|
SPEAKERS
Michael Boothby, Grace Ball, Christina Kann Christina Kann (voiceover) 00:02 "They trudged up the misty field between long rows of tents. Most looked almost ordinary. Their owners had clearly tried to make them as Muggle-like as possible but had slipped up by adding chimneys or bell poles or weather vanes. However, here and there was a tent so obviously magical that Harry could hardly be surprised that Mr. Roberts was getting suspicious. Halfway up the field stood an extravagant confection of striped silk like a miniature palace with several live peacocks tethered at the entrance; a little farther on, they passed a tent that had three floors and several turrets; and a short way beyond that was a tent that had a front garden attached, complete with birdbath sundial and fountain." Christina Kann (voiceover) 01:03 What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section. It's a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss how the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thank you for being here today. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today. Christina Kann (voiceover) 01:23 Chapter Seven: Bagman and Crouch. In this chapter, the Weasleys, Harry and Hermione settle into their campsite. We get to see more of the greater wizarding community in this one chapter than in literally all of the previous books combined. We also get to meet Ludo Bagman, Head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports, and Barty Crouch, Head of the Department of International Magical Cooperation. The day wears on until finally it's time! It's time to go to the Quidditch World Cup. Tune in next week for the game. Christina Kann 02:00 Welcome to The Restricted Section, where old men wear flowing, flowery night gowns to get a healthy breeze around their privates sometimes! I'm joined today by my friend Grace! Say hello to the listeners, Grace. Grace Ball 02:13 Hello, listeners. I am pleased as punch to be here. Christina Kann 02:17 Yes. And our special guest today is none other than Michael Boothby from the Movie Night Crew! Say hello to the listeners, Michael. Michael Boothby 02:26 Hello, listeners. Thank you for listening to me on this other podcasts on the network. Christina Kann 02:33 Thank you for joining us. Can you tell us a little bit about your very Harry history? When did you get into the books? When did you get in the movies? Who helped you along the way? Michael Boothby 02:44 Reading Harry Potter was like one of my favorite experiences as a kid. Growing up, I always loved reading. I read Lord of the Rings when I was probably in like third grade or so, you know. And so I'd always loved reading, and Harry Potter was like, obviously one of my favorites. I still remember when the books were coming out. I remember when Goblet of Fire came out, and we went to the store and got the book and you'd be up all night just like reading it, tearing through the pages -- which, like, people probably don't do at all anymore, right? Like what's a book anymore? Right? Christina Kann 03:21 We're the wrong people for that. Michael Boothby 03:24 Well, yeah, I don't know Zoomers. I don't know. Everything's on the screen now. And we didn't grow up with screens; we grew up with books and Nintendo 64. Christina Kann 03:33 It's true, and it's also true that definitely I don't think any books are nearly as anticipated and savored as these books were in their day. Michael Boothby 03:42 Oh, it was nuts. I mean, I think the only thing I can really kind of compare it to now is when Game of Thrones was on TV. Even though I'd already kind of read the books until it got to the point where they would surpass the books, which never happened with Harry Potter, thank God. But it's that same kind of energy, right? When the books came out, it was such a big deal. I was awful, actually. I was really awful because when Order of the Phoenix came out -- I remember I spent like the next few days reading the books -- and I end up spoiling that Sirius Black dies to my sister. And she still does not forgive me for that. And I get it. Grace Ball 04:27 That's a deep wound. Christina Kann 04:27 Yeah, that's pretty rough. Michael Boothby 04:29 I was being a stupid little boy. Christina Kann 04:33 We all have Harry Potter drama and trauma. Yeah. So Michael, what Hogwarts house are you, if you had to pick one or a couple? Michael Boothby 04:43 Oh, I think a few months ago you sent me the the link to the quiz. I'd never done it before. I think I was a Hufflepuff. Christina Kann 04:55 Yay! I lovingly accept you into House Hufflepuff. Michael Boothby 04:59 Awesome, thanks. Christina Kann 05:00 That tracks. You're very like friendship driven, very easy to get along with. Grace Ball 05:06 Yeah, a very welcoming person Michael Boothby 05:08 Yeah, I think so. The other one that might have been me is Ravenclaw. That's more kind of like intelligent, really brainy, and cunning, right? Christina Kann 05:23 That would have been, I think, my second guess for you is Ravenclaw because of your interest in the arts and stuff. I'll allow it. We love a Ravenpuff on this show. Our guest last week was Ravenpuff also, our friend Anna. It's a bit of like a Luna Lovegood vibe, and honestly, Michael, I see that for you. Michael Boothby 05:42 Yeah, definitely. When I think of Luna Lovegood, I'm like, "That's the person who I want to be friends with." Like, she's so weird, like really out there, but so just like kind hearted, means well, loves her friends, you know? Christina Kann 05:59 Yeah, something that you and Luna Lovegood have in common is that I really do feel like I could kind of say pretty much anything to you, and you'd be like, "Cool! Yeah, that's an interesting perspective. I'd love to talk about that." Michael Boothby 06:10 Definitely. Grace Ball 06:11 Just zero judgment. Christina Kann 06:12 Yeah. Yeah, zero judgment zone Michael Boothby 06:14 Definitely. I'm definitely that kind of guy who -- I mean, I pride myself on encouraging other people to be comfortable expressing themselves. I mean, you know, my background is in performing and teaching improv, and that's what it is. I'm always just trying to yes-and my friends and life in general, you know? It's more fun that way. Christina Kann 06:36 Yeah. Oh my gosh, absolutely. And actually just a little bit of podcast lore for the listeners, we know Michael because he met Brooke while they were both traveling in New Zealand, which I think is so cool. Michael Boothby 06:49 Oh yeah. Christina Kann 06:50 And then you guys both ended up back here in Richmond. Michael Boothby 06:53 Yeah, yeah, we did. I mean, she was from here, you know? It was funny cuz my sisters moved here probably like six years ago now. And I would come and visit them for like holidays and stuff, and I would go and meet up with Brooke and get coffee and stuff, and we'd talk about life in Chicago and all of that. So it was so cool when I finally ended up here. I'm like, "Hey dude, I'm moving to Richmond." She was like, "Okay, cool. Come meet my friends." You know? Christina Kann 07:20 Did you talk about life in Chicago just because it interested you? Or did you live in Chicago? Michael Boothby 07:25 I lived in Chicago. Yeah. When I came back from New Zealand, I was like living back with my parents in Florida for like, probably only a month. And then it was like, "I'm going to Chicago" because I wanted to perform. I mean, I wanted to like be on SNL and all that. Yeah. Christina Kann 07:42 And living with parents in Florida is a vibe. Michael Boothby 07:46 It is a vibe. I actually did an activity earlier that made me feel like I still live with my parents, which was watching the local news at six and then watching NBC Nightly News at 6:30. I did that tonight, and I'm like, "Whoa, are my parents here? What's going on?" Because I would never do that. I don't ever watch the news. And I did tonight. It was obviously so many horrible things. You know, there's nothing good on the news. Christina Kann 08:14 Yes, right. It's not great for self-care to watch the news. Michael Boothby 08:18 No, you know, and they're not telling you anything that you don't already know. It's like, oh, like a school shooting. And even the newscasters at this point are like, "I can't believe this keeps happening. But it happened again." God, dang it. Really? Grace Ball 08:34 Yeah. Definitely doom and gloom. Michael Boothby 08:36 Yeah America being America, which is why we read books about wizards. Christina Kann 08:42 Right! Yes, absolutely. Let's enter that fantasy land. But we're gonna start with an email! That's not very fantastical. Okay. It has been a while, I think, since we've read an email from our beloved friend Mats. But Mats has sent us an email. He actually sent this a couple of weeks ago and I was like, "I'm going to save it for this chapter." This is a little bit of a spoiler alert for what happens later in this chapter, even though we're all spoilers all the time. Here's this email from Mats. Mats says, "Did you know that Ludo Bagman canonically owns half an eel farm? In Goblet of Fire chapter seven Bagman and Crouch--" which is the chapter we're covering today-- "Ludo bagman reveals that, 'little Agatha Tim's has put up half shares in her eel farm on a week long match'--" Betting that the World Cup will take a week to play out. "Which we know did not happen, as a certain Bulgarian seeker decided that he was going to catch the Snitch early despite his team being down by a very manageable amount of points. And no professional athlete in the world could ever make that decision, especially not in the World Cup final. Okay, I'm done. (I'm totally not still mad at this about this. Why are you asking?) Anyway, Krum catching the Snitch early made sure that Ludo Bagman won his bet and gained half an eel farm. Not 100% sure if I call that a win necessarily, but that could just be me. I will never not find it funny that Ludo Bagman owns half an eel farm." Mats keeps saying the phrase "half an eel farm" because it is extremely ridiculous. Christina Kann 08:55 I think that's important. It is only half. Christina Kann 09:59 "What does he do? Did he just retire from his ministry job to become an eel farmer full time? I like to picture bagman walking up to those goblins with whom he was betting trying to bribe them with a bag of eels." Michael Boothby 10:34 Oh my gosh. Grace Ball 10:35 Oh my god. Wow, love that. Christina Kann 10:41 They mention that bet in this chapter. Michael Boothby 10:43 I'm trying to find it because I remember when I was rereading it, I was like, "This is kind of wild." Christina Kann 10:49 It is wild! Michael Boothby 10:49 This is something that as a kid like I didn't really get it, but now that I've actually like traded stocks -- I've done a little bit of gambling -- I'm like, "Whoa, what's going on here?" Grace Ball 11:01 I'd take that bet. Michael Boothby 11:04 I think honestly my favorite part of this chapter was when the guy's like, "Who wants to get some bets?" and some people are like, "Meh," and then Fred is just like, "Yo, here's all the money we have." They're like, "Oh, Ireland will win but Krum's gonna catch the Snitch," and then he's like, "Oh, like that would ever happen. I'll give you a good odds." I forget if that's what does happen. I feel like maybe it does. I don't know. Grace Ball 11:29 It does. Michael Boothby 11:29 Okay, is this how Fred and George got the money to start their shop? In this crazy bet? Christina Kann 11:35 *singing to Hamilton tune* Just you wait, just you wait. Better read along! *end singing* Anyway, thank you so much, Mats, for that email. Thank you for really highlighting this thing that I think we all have passed over in reading several times before, and we might have you been passed over in today's conversation but it is super ridiculous and it deserves to be underlined. Grace Ball 11:53 I agree completely. Michael Boothby 11:54 I love that. Grace Ball 11:55 And doesn't Bagman like kind of go away because he owes all of these people money and stuff? Christina Kann 12:03 He goes away to the farm. Grace Ball 12:03 He goes he goes on the eel instead of on the lam. That was a terrible joke I take it all back. Christina Kann 12:14 Yeah, I was gonna say that they sent him to a farm upstate. Michael Boothby 12:19 Is that what happens? Christina Kann 12:21 Isn't that a euphemism for putting down your dog? Grace Ball 12:23 Yes. But what does an eel farmer do? I mean, I guess you can sell eel on the market. Christina Kann 12:35 Eels live in the water. Just as a reminder to everyone, they're aquatic creatures. Grace Ball 12:39 Yes. Christina Kann 12:40 And one time I visited my friend who lives in Alaska. She is a psychiatrist, I think, in Alaska, in Sitka, which is an island on the southern coast. And her boyfriend at the time worked for a salmon hatchery, basically a salmon farm. They would like raise -- they would like, egg up -- like, grow -- grow eel -- no! salmon -- I'm getting really turned around now. They would grow salmon eggs and then like release the salmon into the ocean, and then the salmon would come back to mate, because they go back to mate where they were born, and they would harvest all the salmon and it was incredibly metal -- and by "metal" I mean there were metal baseball bats that they would use to club these salmons over the head. It was extreme. So that's what I picture, this eel farm, but even more metal because they are electrical. Michael Boothby 13:37 Do they club them with like magical spell clubs? Christina Kann 13:42 Like anti electric clubs. Michael Boothby 13:44 Yeah. Grace Ball 13:45 I cannot picture Ludo bagman doing that, I'm sorry. Christina Kann 13:48 Wasn't he a beater? Just saying. Grace Ball 13:50 Oh my god, wait. You're right. 100%. Michael Boothby 13:51 He definitely could! Oh he's definitely clubbing those eels. Grace Ball 13:53 I just felt like in that moment he was too silly to be doing that, but you're right, he does have a history of clubbing. Michael Boothby 13:59 Maybe this was always just like a passion of his, you know? Even like back when he was a beater he was just by the ocean one day and it just kind of became his side hustle. And then he slowly was working his way to getting a whole eel farm and just he never made it. Christina Kann 14:20 After Ludo Bagman runs away in shame after he can't pay his debts, I imagine like a "Where is he now??" and it's just "You can find me in da club," and it's him like on the rocky coast with like an eel bashing club slash beater bat. Michael Boothby 14:37 This sounds like a very specific like Robot Chicken sketch, What Happened to Ludo Bagman? Christina Kann 14:46 Robot Chicken freaks me out, but that is a weirdly flattering compliment on a joke. I'm like, "Okay, so it's uncomfortable, but like pretty funny." Michael Boothby 14:54 I think so. Christina Kann 14:57 So this chapter starts with they just took the portkey two chapters ago, so like not the last chapter and not the last chapter. The chapter before that. Brooke was on, and I was complaining about how we have all these buildup chapters in the beginning. Brooke made a very funny joke about how, much like a flan, we are now perfectly set. It was really good. But I just want to point out that it is now like several chapters later, and we are still setting. The flan has over set. Grace Ball 15:27 Over proved! Christina Kann 15:30 I'm gonna isolate that sound clip. I'm gonna make it my alarm. Grace Ball 15:36 You're running late, Christina, you're overproved! Christina Kann 15:41 So they've all arrived on a stretch of misty moor. I can just picture Liz Bennett declining marriage proposal on this misty moor. Grace Ball 15:52 Absolutely. Michael Boothby 15:53 I think I've been camping in this place, you know? Not that place, but I think I've definitely pitched a tent in some misty field for some festival. Christina Kann 16:02 The festival vibes in this are so good. I really was like relating to this chapter a lot because Sean and I have been to a lot of music festivals, and it's the exact same energy. It sounds so fun. Okay, but we'll get there. Michael Boothby 16:17 Yeah. Christina Kann 16:19 There are two wizards standing there to welcome them. They're dressed very poorly in muggle incognito. They should have just worn wizard outfits because it's like, "Oh, that person is wearing a strange outfit, but at least they literally know what an outfit is." Grace Ball 16:36 Yeah. Christina Kann 16:36 You know what I mean? Yeah, so they direct the Weasleys in the Diggorys to their respective campsites. And they go to the campsite and the campsite manager, Mr. Roberts-- Grace Ball 16:48 This guy. Christina Kann 16:49 My man. I respect the hell out of him. This man's a Ravenclaw. He's like, "Something's not right here. I swear to god." Michael Boothby 16:57 Yeah, yeah, he's a very suspicious Muggle. Grace Ball 17:02 As he should be. People are not subtle here. Michael Boothby 17:05 Yeah, he was like, "I've done a lot of festivals in my day, but is the magic seems too real at this one." Grace Ball 17:13 Mr. Roberts is like, "I am super high right now but still really weird." Christina Kann 17:19 So he asks for them to pay and Harry's helping Arthur count out muggle money. Michael Boothby 17:25 I love this part. I love that part so much. I love Mr. Weasley just like being like, "How do muggle? What do I do?" Christina Kann 17:36 But you know how to, like, count, right? Like these have numbers on them. Michael Boothby 17:39 Yeah! That's what I was saying. Even Harry was like, "There's a five on there." Christina Kann 17:45 Harry probably has never held muggle money either, real money. Maybe like learning about it in school. Michael Boothby 17:52 You don't think you don't think that he just -- I don't know. You think the dursleys gave him an allowance? Probably not. Christina Kann 18:01 Hard no. Michael Boothby 18:02 Some pennies. Christina Kann 18:03 He's been saving rogue coins from over the years and now he has like 10 muggle dollars. Michael Boothby 18:07 Ones that he's found in the vacuum over the years. Christina Kann 18:12 Mr. Roberts is like, "All these people are really weird. They seem to know each other." It really is like someone's having a rave and the property owner doesn't know, you know? It's like, "I've seen so many asses today. This is not a family reunion." A wizard Apparates into the scene, and he obliviates Mr. Roberts, clearing his memory, and he complains that he needs 10 obliviations -- he needs his memory wiped 10 times a day to be happy. First of all, I would argue he's not happy, and second of all, that's like hourly. Grace Ball 18:46 Yeah, and I feel like at some point that must cause some kind of damage, right? Michael Boothby 18:51 Do people like get addicted to this? Is this like wizard drugs? Just obliviating each other, you know? Christina Kann 18:57 Ooh! That's fun. Michael Boothby 19:03 Wasn't it the muggle that was getting obliviated, right? Because everyone kept doing magic stuff, and he's like, "Wait a minute," and he forgets, and he's like, "Wait a minute," and it keeps coming back. It was so funny that my sister was watching Men in Black last night; that's what this reminded me of. They just keep like flashing him with the memory eraser, but it's a spell, but I was like, "This poor guy." Christina Kann 19:25 Have either of y'all watched Doctor Who? Grace Ball 19:28 No I haven't. I'm so sorry. Christina Kann 19:29 Okay, well, I'm gonna tell this story anyway, for the listeners. It's brief. I think I've even mentioned this before because it's kind of stuck with me. I think the scariest creatures that they come across in Doctor Who, they're called the Silence. And they're these creatures that -- I don't remember -- they're bad for some reason. Murdery, they're gonna murder you, it's bad. I don't really remember. But when you're looking at them, cool. There they are. But as soon as you turn away, you completely forget that they exist. And so they're always trying all these things to desperately remember that they've seen one of these creatures. So they start by like, every time they see one they do a tally mark on themselves. And so they'll walk into this room and be like, "Oh, cool, okay, clear." And then they'll like, look down and there's 15 tally marks on their hand and they're like, "Oh my Jesus Christ. They're somewhere around me." Grace Ball 20:25 That's even scarier though! You have the evidence of it. Christina Kann 20:28 Yes. And then they're like, "Oh, shit, it's right there. I'm gonna go tell--" And then they turn and they're like, "Oh, nothing, nothing's wrong." And it like becomes such an issue that they like upgrade and they put little -- I don't know -- alien future magic -- they put little voice recorders in their hands. So every time they see one, they record while they're watching it, so it gets scarier. They'll like see that the light in their hand is beeping and they'll play back a message of themselves that they don't remember. It's just like, "They're everywhere. They're all around us!" Grace Ball 20:59 Just like heavy breathing. Christina Kann 21:00 "There's no way out." And they're like, "What the fuck?" Oh my gosh, so anyway, that's the kind of day Mr. Roberts is having. Grace Ball 21:07 He is not okay. Michael Boothby 21:09 No. Christina Kann 21:10 He needs a notebook to write things down. Michael Boothby 21:14 Then it becomes like a Christopher Nolan film. After that weekend, he's like, "What does it mean? I knew this meant something." Yeah. Christina Kann 21:24 They go into the camp site, and it really is like, festival season! You see all your friends and no one has to wear work clothes and asses out, dicks out, tits out, beers out. I haven't been to a festival since before COVID, and I miss it obviously. So most of the campers have tried to emulate muggle tents and campsites, and some of them have failed. Some haven't even tried: "an extravagant confection of striped silk like a miniature palace with several live peacocks tethered at the entrance." Literally is that the Malfoys? Grace Ball 22:08 I mean, I think it must be. Christina Kann 22:11 Who else would have peacocks? Grace Ball 22:12 Exactly. Michael Boothby 22:13 Live peacocks. Christina Kann 22:16 Better than dead peacocks. Michael Boothby 22:18 Yeah, you're right. Christina Kann 22:22 I guess the alternative would be like a stone peacock, like the lion columns that flank the New York library. Michael Boothby 22:28 Oh my god. Do those exist? Now I want that: a stone peacock? That's so cool. Grace Ball 22:34 It's definitely a power move. Christina Kann 22:35 Yes. Michael Boothby 22:36 In my in the middle of my condo, I'm gettinga stone peacock. Christina Kann 22:40 The trick is to like have stone peacocks on the outside and then live peacocks on the inside, so they've already seen the stone ones. They're not expecting like more peacocks inside, and it escalates. Michael Boothby 22:52 Guys, you know live peacocks are pretty scary. Have you guys ever been around live peacocks? Christina Kann 22:57 Um, wait. Yes. And who -- Why? Why was I talking about this like yesterday? Michael Boothby 23:03 I don't know. Christina Kann 23:04 I was talking to somebody about peacocks because whoever was was like "All zoos do that." Because if the zoo has a peacock, the peacock just go wild. Yeah, they're terrifying. Michael Boothby 23:13 I've seen peacocks before, but not at a zoo. I went camping once with my best friend and his dad when I was a kid living in Florida, and we just went to this campsite and you woke up and there was just a bunch of peacocks. Christina Kann 23:26 No! Grace Ball 23:27 Mikey, I'm not unconvinced that you've actually been to the Quidditch World Cup. I think you were there. Are you Mr. Roberts? Christina Kann 23:42 Oh, wait, what are you writing down in my notebook there? Your momento notebook? Michael Boothby 23:48 Yeah right. When you guys hit me with the spell after the podcast. Christina Kann 23:56 Okay, so they reach their camp spot. Magic is technically not allowed on the muggle campsite. I mean, you can do magic subtly, I think, and make your life a lot easier, but Arthur is very excited to put up the tents manually. Michael Boothby 24:12 That was in my notes. I literally put that in my notes. I have three notes, and they're all very short, and that was one of them. Page 78: Mr. Weasley being overexcited using a mallet. I just love that. It's so funny. Christina Kann 24:25 I love him. Michael Boothby 24:26 He's so adorable. He's got such a big heart, but he's so stupid sometimes. Christina Kann 24:34 He's a man of simple pleasures. Michael Boothby 24:35 Yeah, for sure. Christina Kann 24:36 He's easily entertained. Grace Ball 24:38 He's so earnest and so endearing. I'm just like, "Hw could you ever be mad at this dude?" Christina Kann 24:44 For sure. Well, Molly Weasley makes it happen. Grace Ball 24:46 Weasley is an exception. Christina Kann 24:48 Being married to someone so incredibly mild does have its drawbacks, especially, I'm sure, when you're trying to raise seven children. Add that to the list of reasons Sean and I can't have kids. He's too mild. I can't do all of the disciplining. Michael Boothby 25:03 Yeah. Christina Kann 25:04 I just think it's funny because if you're going to start -- Arthur Weasley has never done anything without magic in his life, and you don't start with assembling tents. That is like starting a video game on expert level. Why don't you just try it out first? Do something a little easier. Maybe make yourself a pot of coffee, you know what I mean? Grace Ball 25:23 Yes, maybe try to boil some water. Christina Kann 25:26 Yeah, I think coffee is a medium level, intermediate. There's a lot of components. Grace Ball 25:32 Yeah, definitely not building a whole tent -- well, two tents, right? Michael Boothby 25:36 Two tents, yeah, there's two tents. Christina Kann 25:40 I'm a muggle. I've assembled a lot of tents in my life, and every single one is a fucking pain in the ass. Michael Boothby 25:45 I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. My last memory of going to a festival -- we got there late, and it was already dark, and we had to put the tents up in the dark. Not fun. Not great. Christina Kann 25:58 Sean and I have a pop up tent now for that reason. We take our eight-person pop-up tend to every festival. But the first time we had that tent, we didn't really know how it was. It was also my first festival ever, and we went there right after work, and we got there when it was pitch black, and I super super super don't have night vision. I know that humans generally don't have night vision, but me in particular. It had rained so much that the whole thing was just like a muddy swamp. We were trying to find a spot to pitch our tent in the darkness, and I could barely even walk in the mud, and my Uggs were slipping and sliding everywhere, and I was having an actual meltdown. I was sobbing hysterically. Sean just found the first patch of grass, and was like, "We're camping here! Okay? We're camping here." And the people next to us was like three dudes camping in a tent, and they had been there for hours; they were incredibly shit faced. And when they saw me crying, they all ran over, and they were like, "Oh my god, are you okay? Come here!" and they walked me over to their fire, and they sat me down their chair, and they handed me like a hot dog and a beer. They were like, "We got this!" None of them had shirts on. They were all like screaming. But they were like, "We got this!" and they just put our tent together for us. Michael Boothby 27:05 Wow! Grace Ball 27:06 That is beautiful. Michael Boothby 27:06 See, that's what I miss about festivals is just that neighborly, just people helping people. You just don't see that often in just like society, you know? When there's sidewalks and houses -- I don't know. This whole thing, you know? When you get away from that and it's just like people expressing themselves and being cool. Christina Kann 27:32 It's literally so nice. Michael Boothby 27:33 It's so great, yeah. Christina Kann 27:35 It's a place where you can just trust everyone, kind of. Michael Boothby 27:38 Now I want to go to a festival. I'm sad, there was some yoga festival that my friends went to here. I want to go to a yoga festival and teach a comedy class. Now you're like the funny guy at this yoga festival with just yoga teachers and breathwork and stuff. I love it. Christina Kann 27:57 That's juxtaposition. Michael Boothby 27:58 Hey, and that's comedy, baby! Christina Kann 28:01 It's true. It's true. Arthur looks to Harry and Hermione for guidance with this tent, but Harry has never been camping before. Hermione probably just logics that shit, you know? She might have been camping before, actually. Her parents could be outdoors people. I never went camping as a kid, but some people's parents go camping, I'm sure. Michael Boothby 28:25 I was a boy scout, but you know, I was the worst one. I didn't want to learn anything or like tie knots. I just wanted to like, build the swords out of the tree bark or whatever, and you know, have a fight in the woods and go exploring. Christina Kann 28:40 What else is there to do in the woods? Michael Boothby 28:43 I guess like just surviving, but like that wasn't my goal. Like, I don't care. I'm not gonna survive in the woods by myself. That sounds awful. Christina Kann 28:51 Well, I was in Girl Scouts, and the tone was just like a little different. I remember one time there was a thunderstorm warning, and they woke us all up in a panic in the middle of the night to like race us home to escape the thunderstorm. My friend Anna was so upset that she barfed in the car. Michael Boothby 29:07 Oh my god. She was so upset that she threw up? Christina Kann 29:11 They really were panicking about the thunderstorm. They were like, "Leave everything! Abandon everything!" It was surely not that big of a deal, but they were super alarmed. 29:22 Yeah, that's extreme. Who gets that worked up about just rain? Grace Ball 29:29 So you guys were presumably outside? Christina Kann 29:31 Yes. Grace Ball 29:32 And so they were freaking out. Christina Kann 29:34 We were outside and they were freaking out. Grace Ball 29:37 That's crazy. Michael Boothby 29:37 See, I remember going on a long backpacking hike. It was probably my first backpacking hike as a child. And we were in Orlando, and we went really out there. We made the tents, and at night these raging thunderstorms came in. I remember being in the tent with my friend and his dad, and the wind was blowing. I was using my sleeping bag to absorb the water at the bottom of the tent, and it was so scary, but at the same time, as a kid, I thought it was so exciting. I was like, "This is so cool! His dad's actually concerned for safety and is going outside and doing dad things to keep us safe. Good thing he's here, man. I would have no idea what to do. I don't know what to do right now. I'm gonna stay in the tent." Christina Kann 30:32 I'm pretty sure my dad has never done dad things to keep me safe. That's not really his vibe, you know? Michael Boothby 30:38 Yeah, yeah, no, it was a rare thing for me to witness, but I'm glad it happened. It was a really cool experience. Christina Kann 30:47 When I was 16, I took my boyfriend at the time camping at this park near our house for his birthday so that we could have sex without anyone's parents being mad. Grace Ball 30:56 Nice. Christina Kann 30:57 But it started thunderstorming at like 10 o'clock at night. The tent was flooded, everything was flooded. It was so wet, but we were not leaving. This was like the only $25 I'd ever had to rent this campsite. We were never gonna get a chance to be alone ever again. Grace Ball 31:17 This is it! Christina Kann 31:19 This is the same guy for whom I went into the woods and got chiggers all down my backside because we had sex in the woods. Grace Ball 31:25 Okay, I wasn't sure if this was the same story or a different one. Christina Kann 31:29 Different story. Grace Ball 31:30 Two separate rendezvous. Michael Boothby 31:33 Man, you guys are you guys are having sex at 16? That's so cool, man. All I wanted to do when I was 16 was have sex, and I didn't lose my virginity till I was 19, till I had graduated high school. Christina Kann 31:48 That's just not that bad. Michael Boothby 31:50 Even now, 30 year old me, I wish 16 year old me could have the sex that I have now -- because I don't care anymore! I'm 30! I don't care anymore. Christina Kann 32:02 I see, you wanted to have more chance to appreciate it before you got jaded. I do understand that. Michael Boothby 32:07 It was so exciting then, too. It was the only thing I wanted and it was not happening. It was not gonna happen. I had no chance. Christina Kann 32:15 I read all these YA novels where people are so excited to just like touch each other. Wow, I remember that but I don't think there's any going back. Michael Boothby 32:27 Yeah, oh my god. Christina Kann 32:30 Oh dear. How did we get here? You know how we got here it they "finish erecting the tent" are my exact notes. Grace Ball 32:39 How dare you say "erect" at this time? Michael Boothby 32:42 Nice. Very nice transition. Christina Kann 32:46 And they finish the tents and they go inside, and it's bigger on the inside. That's another Doctor Who joke for you. Michael Boothby 32:54 I'd love that, though. It's one of my favorite things of the Harry Potter universe -- and also Hermione's infinite bag of stuff. I just love that there's this thing that looks small on the outside, and you walk in and it's like, "It's a three bedroom." I'm pretty sure Mr. Weasley says, "Well, it's not the biggest one, you know, but we'll make do." And Harry's just like, "What the fuck? This is insane." Christina Kann 33:23 That's the thing: with Harry, it doesn't matter if it's big or small. It's just the novelty of this kind of magic is is all he needs to be stoked about this. Honestly, they could probably sleep in the open grass and he'd be stoked just to be here. He hasn't done a lot of fun stuff in his life. So they need water for the kettle. It is probably, what, like, 7 am right now? It's really early. Michael Boothby 33:47 It's pretty early because yeah, people are like waking up. When they first get there, I feel like no one's even up yet. Christina Kann 33:54 Usually when I go camping, it's a wake up with the sun thing. It's usually like 6:30 or 7 just organically. Grace Ball 34:01 Yeah, like an eel farmer or something. Christina Kann 34:06 So Ron and Harry and Hermione set out to find like the spigot that is marked on their campsite map, so they get to stroll through. At the festivals I go to, I call this a preliminary walkabout, just to see where stuff is. See if you see any familiar faces. Don't even worry about setting up camp. Yeah, like just go. We'll do this later. We have all day. Yeah, people are starting to wake up. Harry's never seen wizard children before. And the book doesn't say this, but I feel like he's probably a little like sadly nostalgic. What's the opposite of nostalgic? Like, "I wish I had had that," you know? Michael Boothby 34:44 Jealous? I mean, it's not jealous but it kind of is. Grace Ball 34:48 A little envious, maybe. Michael Boothby 34:49 Envious! I think that's the word. He easily could have had that with his parents. Yeah, they would have brought him to the Quidditch Festival and let him get a little too crazy on a mini broom while the other wizards are like, "Tame your kids!" I love that. They're like, "These are bad parents!" like they're all like judging each other or whatever. Christina Kann 35:13 Oh my god, this just like flashed me back to when I was a kid and all the adult couples in my family were not divorced yet. They're all divorced now. But you know, I would go to the Outer Banks with my whole family, and somehow we would fit eight children and six aunts and uncles and Grandma, we'd all fit in the same house. And every night -- I know this now, and at the time I just didn't even clock it -- but every night, all the grownups would get shit-faced drunk, and we would just like run wild on the beach. And I just picture that for James and Lily and the Marauders, just like getting drunk as shit. And they're like, "Fuck, we have a baby. We're 22." Yeah, going buckwild on a toy broom. It's a lovely little image. Grace Ball 36:02 I love that. Michael Boothby 36:02 Oh, poor Harry. Christina Kann 36:04 But it never was! Michael Boothby 36:05 It was never meant to be. Christina Kann 36:07 There's a baby who's prodding the slug with a wand. Grace Ball 36:14 Kevin! Christina Kann 36:14 Is his name Kevin? Grace Ball 36:16 Yeah, his name's Kevin. Christina Kann 36:17 Oh my god, that makes me so happy, for some reason, that his name is Kevin. Michael Boothby 36:21 The little baby -- he has a name? Grace Ball 36:24 Yeah, his name is Kevin. Christina Kann 36:25 I don't know why I didn't retain that either. Grace Ball 36:28 I just thought it was so random and funny. Michael Boothby 36:30 I have to look this up. I have to see it with my own eyes. Little Kevin? Grace Ball 36:37 Yep. This is just a reminder to me -- and I know we've talked about it before with the Weasleys having seven kids -- but just like how much of a nightmare it would be to be a parent of wizards. They're just crazy. They're just like stealing your wand and like doing a bunch of shenanigans. Christina Kann 36:57 It's true. And honestly, not to always make everything about my kittens, but it's similar, I think. With the kittens it's like, "How did you jump so far? Like how are you this? How do you have this much energy? This is bananas. This is unfathomable to me." And I feel like it'd be the same thing with a kid. "Whoa, you're defying gravity, the laws of physics. Get it together. This is really wild right now." Michael Boothby 37:22 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Christina Kann 37:25 Slugs. "You bust slug!" Michael Boothby 37:28 I just read read a part that like I think I didn't register when I was reading it earlier. All the wizards are waking up, but I love that "while a group of middle aged American witches set gossiping happily beneath a spangled banner stretched between their tents that read 'the Salem Witches Institute.'" I love that. I love that so much. And they're like, "Harry caught snatches of conversation in strange languages from the inside of tents they passed." It's so funny. It's such a festival! There's just so many people and he's so excited. That's one thing I came back to, the moment Harry has this moment where he's like, "I never thought that there were wizards outside of Hogwarts," and it really dawns on him. I love the international aspect of the Goblet of Fire, right? Who doesn't want the wizard Olympics, right? Christina Kann 38:22 Totally. There's probably a lot to look at, even more so than that like muggle music festival. Michael Boothby 38:30 Right! And there's already so much there. Christina Kann 38:35 They get to the Ireland camping section, which is all decked out in green. They next find the Bulgaria section, where Victor Krum's poster is everywhere. They run into Seamus and Dean, obviously in the Ireland section. His name's Seamus. He's in the Ireland section. Michael Boothby 38:53 Yeah. Christina Kann 38:54 I always like read the chapter and listen to it also. I just listen to random videos on YouTube of people reading it. And I discovered one today, a reader who was just like a regular person -- they didn't appear to be an actor on a stage -- but they did different voices for every single character in this chapter, including different accents, and they were very well done accents. So I'm gonna link that in the show notes because it was honestly an incredible performance. It was this person and supposedly their partner, and the partner was just sitting there for 50 minutes of reading, just listening pleasantly, while their partner really committed to this elaborate -- they were doing so many voices! Anyway, it's linked in the show notes. It's really incredible. Grace Ball 39:46 Yeah, that's like a one man show. That's awesome. Christina Kann 39:48 Yeah, it was serious. They finally get to the water tap. They're waiting in line. Cue Archie and his nightgown. I love that man. Grace Ball 39:58 Yep. Christina Kann 39:59 Honestly, more power to him because he's refusing to put on -- the point of wearing muggle clothes is to not be suspicious. But the nightgown is a little conspicuous for any person to be wearing like during the day in public. Grace Ball 40:21 It sounds cute though. Christina Kann 40:24 It does sound cute and probably really comfy. Grace Ball 40:26 Yeah! Christina Kann 40:27 And airy, I guess. Grace Ball 40:30 Mhm, in all the right places. Christina Kann 40:34 That's why I want to buy Sean a kilt, I think, which is just a skirt. I think it would probably be so liberating for people who just wear pants every day to just throw on a skirt and see what happens. See what happens. Grace Ball 40:48 Yeah. Christina Kann 40:50 See, this is the kind of stuff that we lose in the movies. Hermione dissolves into a fit of giggles -- specifically Hermione. Michael Boothby 40:55 I love that. Christina Kann 40:56 Ron and Harry are okay, but Hermione loses her shit. I don't know why. Grace Ball 41:01 She's probably like, "I have that nightgown." Michael Boothby 41:08 It's some inside joke she has with herself that no one else would get. Christina Kann 41:15 Only children things: inside joke with myself. Michael Boothby 41:18 Yeah. Christina Kann 41:21 They get the water, they walk back to camp. After all this, Harry finally -- I think it's been like an hour and a half -- Harry finally is like, "You know, wow. There's other schools out there." Grace Ball 41:35 Way to go, Harry. Michael Boothby 41:36 He has that kind of introspective moment. Christina Kann 41:41 He's not a Ravenclaw. Grace Ball 41:42 How has he not had that yet? But whatever. Michael Boothby 41:45 I get it though. If it's your first time going to a festival, there's so much happening externally that it's not until you walk back to your tent for the first time and are sitting there and lying back. You're like, "Huh, how do I feel?" You know? I don't know. Christina Kann 42:03 The reflection. Michael Boothby 42:04 Right, yeah. You can't really reflect when you're meeting all these crazy people and doing tasks. You're so focused on just what's happening. Christina Kann 42:13 It's true. The one festival that Sean and I have been to the most, we camp half a mile away from the event site? And it's like straight up a mountain the entire half mile. It is a good little reflection time because you're just going straight up. I feel so powerful after like three days of just walking up a mountain. Michael Boothby 42:38 My gosh, if I went to that festival and camped where you guys camped, after day one, I'd be like, "I guess I'm going, bye! It's enough exercise for me." Christina Kann 42:49 They do have like a bus, which is fun, but I prefer to walk. Michael Boothby 42:53 Okay. Christina Kann 42:53 Hey, good to see everybody. Grace Ball 42:55 Yeah. Christina Kann 42:55 Everybody's all lit. But it's like in the dark. So it's like A Midsummer Night's Dream. Just like all these fairies in the dark. Grace Ball 43:02 You can't do your walkabout from a bus. Christina Kann 43:05 Exactly. So back at the campsite, they got off the bus. Arthur has been really enthusiastically failing to light his fire with matches. Grace Ball 43:27 And then the one he lights, he's surprised that he lit it, and it goes out or whatever. Christina Kann 43:32 Don't tell me you've never done that. Grace Ball 43:34 I have certainly done that. Definitely. Christina Kann 43:38 Sometimes it's scary. Grace Ball 43:39 That's why I love that part! I'm like, "Wow, that's relatable." Christina Kann 43:42 That's the most muggle shit! Finally Hermione's like, "Let me show you how to do a match." And then while the fire gets hot, they just kind of sit and watch people go past. I also relate to this, honestly; this is a festival vibe -- or even kind of going anywhere vibe, the people-watching. Arthur's keeping a running commentary of the ministry and other important people who pass them by. They start cooking breakfast. Charlie, Bill, and Percy arrive. I want to know -- what were they talking about this whole time before they got here? They had to walk from somewhere -- what what did the three of them talk about? Michael Boothby 44:24 Yeah. That's a very good question. Grace Ball 44:26 I seriously don't know. Michael Boothby 44:27 That's so interesting. If this was a Game of Thrones book, we would just cut back to this long conversation about nothing. Grace Ball 44:35 I feel like Bill and Charlie probably talked a lot, and then Percy had weird, awkward interjections. Christina Kann 44:45 I mean, Bill and Charlie are really nice. They're both really nice. And so I feel like they're probably trying to ask him questions. Michael Boothby 44:51 Yeah, right. Grace Ball 44:52 That's true. They were probably trying to engage him. Michael Boothby 44:58 What's, um -- what's Percy's deal? Is he just like really anxious or he have like a social like disorder or something? I don't know. Christina Kann 45:08 I think that he really is just like kind of a classic Ravenclaw, like an Amy Santiago from Brooklyn 99. We did that bonus episode recently. A Hermione whose fatal flaw is that they're too Hermione. You know what I mean? You're so like perfectionistic and studious that it's the worst thing about you. Michael Boothby 45:32 He's insufferable, which is why I love when he gets roasted by Barty Crouch. Christina Kann 45:42 He really has no business being a Gryffindor. That is a fucking Ravenclaw. Michael Boothby 45:47 Yeah. Michael Boothby 45:48 Yeah, you're right. He's just an overthinker. I don't know. He's not even that brave, really. I mean, he's just kind of doing his job. Christina Kann 46:01 He does brave thing ever, and it's saying sorry for a mistake and coming back, you know? Grace Ball 46:07 Yeah, right. Michael Boothby 46:08 Yeah. Christina Kann 46:10 I mean it's brave, but you had to fuck up a lot to get there. Michael Boothby 46:13 Yeah. 100%. Christina Kann 46:16 So Ludo Bagman shows up. He's wearing his old Quidditch robes, which look like a bee. He is boyishly handsome. I've always had a hard time envisioning this character in my head, maybe because they took him out of the movies. I don't have that to fall back on. Michael Boothby 46:41 That's a shame. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe the casting director looked at that and was like, "Fuck this. Who? What does this mean? What does this person look like?" Christina Kann 46:51 I mean, I understand his existence actually doesn't matter to the plotline. He serves as a red herring, pretty much, and there's just not really time for that in the films. But I wonder who y'all would cast in the movie to play Ludo Bagman? Michael Boothby 47:09 I don't even know. Grace Ball 47:12 Oh, no. Michael Boothby 47:13 He's like older but boyish? Like I don't know what that means. Christina Kann 47:16 What about the dad from Modern Family? What's that guy's name? Grace Ball 47:20 His name in Modern Family is Phil. Christina Kann 47:22 Right. Michael Boothby 47:24 Yeah, I could see that. Yeah. Christina Kann 47:26 A little full of himself but like not even remotely threatening. Michael Boothby 47:31 I could see that, no, I could see that. Grace Ball 47:33 I definitely can't think of a better one. Christina Kann 47:37 Who's really un-disarming? He's just like so genial. Grace Ball 47:45 Just like not a care in the world. Christina Kann 47:47 Yeah, doesn't have to be a British person. Michael Boothby 47:50 Actually, he would have been way too old at the time, but honestly Gene Wilder as like a cameo. Christina Kann 47:57 Oh, that's fun! Michael Boothby 47:58 He'd just be really eccentric. I don't know. Christina Kann 48:02 Um, Reddit says -- and I think this is a great point -- Reddit says that if Kenneth Branagh had not already portrayed Lockhart, he probably would have made a good Ludo Bagman. I think that what they're saying is that he's really good at putting on airs and blowing hot air. Airs and air. Grace Ball 48:20 Yeah, I like that. Christina Kann 48:22 Owen Wilson. Grace Ball 48:24 Wow. I mean, I didn't mean to say "wow" like that. Christina Kann 48:31 We also got Paul Rudd. Michael Boothby 48:37 Yeah, I mean, he is 50 and does look very young, in fairness. Christina Kann 48:43 Yeah. Also, Jeff Bridges is the last recommendation on this Reddit thread. Michael Boothby 48:47 I could see that. Grace Ball 48:48 Interesting. Michael Boothby 48:49 I can see that. Grace Ball 48:50 Yeah, I think those are good options. I like Owen Wilson for the part myself. Christina Kann 48:54 I do too. Tell us who you would cast as Ludo Bagman. Shoot us an email at restrictedsectionpod@gmail.com or hit us up on our socials, because we would love to know. I'm sure we will talk about this in our Discord server. As a reminder, you can join our Discord server for supporting us on Patreon for $1 a month. Ludo Bagman is "plainly in a state of wild excitement." Wow, hard same. I can like feel that. Grace Ball 49:32 It really resonates with you, doesn't it? Christina Kann 49:36 Grace, tell me if I'm wrong, if you don't feel this way, but as I was reading this, and all of the ministry employees who are complaining to each other, they're all running at 100 miles per hour, and they're all really stressed. This reminds me the RVA Booklovers' Festival that we throw together. Michael Boothby 50:06 You guys throw a book festival? Christina Kann 50:09 We do, Michael. That was before your time. We do host an annual book festival through our RVA Booklovers. Michael Boothby 50:17 I want to come. Who comes to that? Grace Ball 50:20 Just like all the booklovers. Michael Boothby 50:23 I'm gonna come show my book at it. Can I sponsor it? Can I get a booth? Christina Kann 50:33 You can get a Boothby booth. Grace Ball 50:38 Yeah, but it is similar vibes to that, Christina. Just like complete chaos but we're all so excited. Christina Kann 50:46 Yeah, they're like servers who are super weeded at the dinner hour, but there's that one person who is always crushing, it always gets great tips, never drops anything, never forgets anything, and they're having a great time, and everyone else is like "Hey, fuck you. They just sat me three six stops in a row." Michael Boothby 51:07 Mmm. Grace Ball 51:07 Ugh, flashbacks. Christina Kann 51:08 Yeah, I write these notes ahead of time and then I make myself laugh later. I wrote, "I go limitless when I'm hosting too." Have you guys seen limitless? Grace Ball 51:22 No. Wow. Failing you left and right. Christina Kann 51:25 It's Bradley Cooper-- Michael Boothby 51:27 No, I have seen that. Christina Kann 51:28 Yeah, it's basically about cocaine. It's a made-up drug but-- Michael Boothby 51:32 I thought it was about Adderall. Christina Kann 51:34 No, it's a made-up drug, but it is just straight up cocaine because you take it and you're like, "Oh, I'm perfect now. I can do everything. I got everything." You see things in slow motion and in four dimensions. So I get it. That's how I go when I'm hosting too. I'm like, "My anxiety is so high that my brain is so crisp and clear right now." Ludo Bagman asks Arthur to bet on the game, and he bets a galleon. Michael Boothby 52:02 How much is a galleon? Is that like, what is that? Michael Boothby 52:05 10 or 20 bucks? Grace Ball 52:08 In season one, Andrew had a whole conversion chart or something? Christina Kann 52:14 Oh my god. I think it is at least $10. Michael Boothby 52:27 Okay. 10, 20 bucks. Yeah. Christina Kann 52:28 Yeah. Okay, the twins offer to bet 37 galleons and some change. And a fake wand. Michael Boothby 52:37 The fake wand! Christina Kann 52:38 The prank wand. Michael Boothby 52:39 I love the prank wand so much. Grace Ball 52:42 That's everything that they have. Christina Kann 52:44 Yeah, it is. Michael Boothby 52:46 They did a true YOLO on this rare outcome of this game. I love this whole part that turns into sports betting. It literally just turns into an ad for like DraftKings. Christina Kann 53:00 They're trying ostensibly to get startup money for their business. Michael Boothby 53:06 Yeah, I respect the hell out of it, man. Christina Kann 53:09 I do too. It's risky, but they probably don't have any other options, especially with their mother acting the way she's been acting, which I don't approve of. Grace Ball 53:17 Yeah, they're like, "We're all in." But not a great dude to go all in with. Christina Kann 53:22 Right. Yeah, I think they just trust him because he's a ministry official. And Arthur Weasley has brought a lot of trustworthy ministry officials into their life before, you know? But Ludo's just not that way. Grace Ball 53:35 And technically, Ludo did come through with the tickets to the World Cup. Michael Boothby 53:41 Right, and they're box tickets too. These aren't in the crowd. This is up in the box, right? He's announcing the whole event, right? He's VIP. Christina Kann 53:54 Andrew hypothesized last episode that Cornelius Fudge made sure -- or even Bagman, just the ministry -- ensured that Arthur Weasley invited Harry to this game as a brag because the other country's ministry officials are also sitting in the box. So it's like a brag you know? We got Harry Potter. Grace Ball 54:14 Yeah. Michael Boothby 54:15 Right. It's good PR for the ministry. Christina Kann 54:18 Yeah, yeah. So the twins bet that Ireland will win the game but Krum will get the Snitch. Just like pretend you don't know what happens next. Why would anyone make this bet? Michael Boothby 54:30 Because the odds -- that's why, as soon as they made that, Bagman was like, "Oh, those are crazy odds." So they would probably, if they won, would get like 1000 to one odds or something. So just like crazy money. Christina Kann 54:44 That's true. Grace Ball 54:45 There's a lot of betting going on, and I feel like this is a pretty unique bet. You know? Michael Boothby 54:52 It is. Yeah, there's not many people taking that bet. This is the scene that I want to see, is the scene of Fred and George twinning out one night doing their investment research. They're like, "Well, here's the stats on the players, and Krum this and that, here's the score." I feel like they did their homework, you know? They stayed up pretty late, probably. They're comedians, they're jokers. They're pretty smart guys. Christina Kann 55:14 One of them's the math guy and one of them's the ideas guy. Michael Boothby 55:17 Right, so yeah, the idea guy was like, "What if this?" and the math guy's like, "Let me crunch the numbers," and they're like, "Let's do it." Christina Kann 55:23 Fred is the ideas guy and George is the numbers guy. I believe that because typically, if you look closely, Fred is usually a slightly more of a loose cannon and George is usually slightly more level-headed and like... modest... is a weird word to say for the twins. But you know what I mean? Michael Boothby 55:43 I resonate with the twins, being a twin myself, you know? Christina Kann 55:46 Oh yeah! Oh, my God! Grace is a twin too! Michael Boothby 55:50 Yeah, I think we've had a conversation-- Grace Ball 55:52 I think we have talked about this before. That's pretty cool. Michael Boothby 55:54 I hope we keep forgetting and every time, we go, "Really?" Grace Ball 55:57 Yes. It's fun every time. Michael Boothby 55:59 So good. Christina Kann 56:00 Grace, you have like a dude twin and you have a gal twin? Michael Boothby 56:05 Yeah, yeah. Opposite sides of fraternal twinship. Christina Kann 56:10 Yeah, it's easy for people to forget that you guys have twins because there's not another person in the world who looks exactly like you. Grace Ball 56:16 That's true. Christina Kann 56:18 Although you look a lot like your sister, Tabitha. Grace Ball 56:21 Yeah. Whenever people hear that there are twins in the family, they assume that I'm twins with my older sister, but joke's on you. Christina Kann 56:29 Poor William. Michael Boothby 56:32 My friends get really upset when they find out my twin sister also doesn't have a mustache. They're like, "We thought you guys were twins. What's this? What's this going on?" I've had to have that conversation so many times over the years, like we're fraternal. People don't know what that means. Grace Ball 56:52 I still remember one of my sixth grade teachers asked if we were identical, and she knew that we were male and female or whatever. So I was like, "Huh, you're an educator. Feels like you should not be asking me that question right now." Michael Boothby 57:08 You should know this. You should know this question. Grace Ball 57:10 Yeah. Michael Boothby 57:11 Yeah. Christina Kann 57:12 And you can't say to your teacher, "Yikes, you're an educator. You should know this." Grace Ball 57:15 Yeah. And you know, and I did anyway. No, I'm kidding. Michael Boothby 57:18 I wish! That'd be so badass. Christina Kann 57:20 A Ravenclaw would never. I corrected a teacher once. I was in college, and he was straight-up wrong in my area of expertise. And I really trusted him. I had a big ole brain crush on this professor, you know? When it's like, "You're not that cute, but you're so smart and your interests delight me." And he took it so nicely. He was like, "Thank you so much for correcting me. Oh my god. I would love to read more." Grace Ball 57:43 Oh my God. That's the perfect reaction. Christina Kann 57:46 I know. Michael Boothby 57:46 I love the supportive teacher. Christina Kann 57:50 Um, so the opposite of support is: Arthur Weasley asks Ludo Bagman if he's heard about Bertha Jorkins, who is missing. Ludo Bagman says he has heard "not a dicky bird." Michael Boothby 58:05 Weird phrase, honestly, pretty weird phrase. Christina Kann 58:08 It's British dad talk. Grandpa said this, and it's weird now Michael Boothby 58:13 As an American, hate it. Grace Ball 58:16 Yeah, not a fan. Christina Kann 58:20 Ludo Bagman firmly believes that Bertha Jorkins is stupid and got lost of her own stupidity and will find her way home safe and confused eventually, and that it's not really his problem. Michael Boothby 58:33 Who is this again? Who is this lady? Christina Kann 58:35 Bertha Jorkins is a character who never has any screen time, so to speak, in the books. Michael Boothby 58:41 That's a great name. Christina Kann 58:43 Bertha Jorkins. Yeah, she's my bitch. She gets kidnapped. She goes on vacation and gets kidnapped by Voldemort. And she is the source of information that leads him to develop his entire plan to come back to power. Yeah. They should have looked for her sooner because then maybe they would have been able to get ahead of this in some way. But they don't. Michael Boothby 59:05 I love how the Ministry of Magic, like any government agency, at the end of the day is just so incompetent. Grace Ball 59:13 Yep! Michael Boothby 59:14 It's like so much bureaucracy that nothing gets done. Christina Kann 59:19 Yes. And I think you can see that really exemplified in this chapter, particularly with the difference between Barty Crouch and Ludo Bagman. Obviously these two men are gonna have a hard time working together. Barty Crouch Sr. shows up. He's stiff, upright, uptight dressing-- Michael Boothby 59:39 He speaks 250 languages! Christina Kann 59:42 That is-- I just-- Two is really hard. Two languages is really hard. Michael Boothby 59:47 This guy's like brilliant. Christina Kann 59:50 Our American is showing. But also, I don't think that most people speak 250 languages. I think maybe like three is a good number to aspire to. Michael Boothby 59:58 I know someone who speaks seven. Christina Kann 1:00:01 That's pretty strong. Michael Boothby 1:00:02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Christina Kann 1:00:05 Percy offers Barty Crouch a cup of tea. Crouch calls him Weatherby, which is an ongoing joke, and also, I think, a crucial plot point later. Michael Boothby 1:00:15 I love it. "Thanks, Weatherby," and then yeah Fred and George are just like "Time to troll." Grace Ball 1:00:23 It's heartbreaking and satisfying at the same time. Christina Kann 1:00:26 Right. Yes, exactly. There is some discourse about flying carpets. Michael Boothby 1:00:34 That was in my notes. That was my last note I put. Christina Kann 1:00:38 Your last of three notes? Michael Boothby 1:00:40 My last of my three notes was ban on flying carpets. Christina Kann 1:00:44 Right, yes. Michael Boothby 1:00:45 Because even Harry was like, "Wait a minute. What?" Yeah. Grace Ball 1:00:55 Arthur says something about how they're muggle artifacts, carpets are muggle artifacts. But like, what the fuck is a broom, my man? Christina Kann 1:01:12 Maybe with the magical community invented brooms back in the day. Grace Ball 1:01:18 Okay, I see. So it started with them. Christina Kann 1:01:21 That would be ridiculous, if it was invented for magical purposes before house cleaning purposes. Grace Ball 1:01:26 And then muggles were like, "Wait a second!" Christina Kann 1:01:29 Why did I ever think of tying some kind of sex on a bear stack? Michael Boothby 1:01:35 Did they talk about why they banned the carpets? I forget why they were justifying it. Grace Ball 1:01:45 I think it's racism. Michael Boothby 1:01:45 Is it? Or did it become too cliche? People were like, "No, guys, no more carpets. It's too obvious." Grace Ball 1:01:54 Carpets have saturated the market. Christina Kann 1:01:57 I think there's a couple of reasons that you would ban magic carpets. First of all: safety. Is there seatbelts on these are your babies just rolling off the sides? Grace Ball 1:02:08 I guess, but I'm trying to figure out: how is it different than a broom? Like how is it any less safe? Michael Boothby 1:02:13 I have to find the dialogue. Christina Kann 1:02:15 Good point, but I guess maybe like one person rides a broom kind of like a motorcycle? Grace Ball 1:02:20 Right. Where you could put like a family on a carpet. Christina Kann 1:02:23 Yeah, and the baby just rolls off. It could be a misuse of muggle artifacts argument. Michael Boothby 1:02:32 I do love the dialog here. I do love this. "'I've been wanting a word with you too, Arthur,' said Mr. Crouch, his sharp eyes falling upon Mr. Weasley. 'Ali Bashir is on the warpath. He wants a word with you about your embargo on flying carpets.' Mr. Weasley heaved a deep sigh," like "This fucking thing again." I love this so much: "I sent him an owl about that last week." He's like "I sent the email!" "'If I told him once, I was told him 100 times: carpets are defined as a muggle artifact by the Registry of Prescribed Charmable Objects. But will he listen?' 'I doubt it,' said Mr. Crouch, accepting a cup from Percy. 'He's desperate to export here.'" He's like, "This guy's trying to make some money selling these carpets to the good wizards of Great Britain." Christina Kann 1:03:32 It's funny that Ludo Bagman and Barty Crouch are such foils. They're in such juxtaposition to each other. But obviously Arthur Weasley is the happy medium between the two. He gets his job done, he takes it seriously, he's worried about it. But he also is very genial and mild and doesn't want to bother anybody. Ludo Bagman refers to some big secret thing at Hogwarts. We've heard this before. What's the big secret thing? I don't know. Michael Boothby 1:04:02 Is it the Goblet of Fire? Christina Kann 1:04:12 Barty Crouch insists that they need to go speak with the Bulgarians, and he makes Bagman leave with him. The afternoon wears on, people are getting excited for the headliner -- I mean the -- Michael Boothby 1:04:26 The main event! Christina Kann 1:04:27 The main event. Salespeople are popping up all around to sell merch. I just love it so much. Michael Boothby 1:04:35 The merch tents pop up, yeah. Christina Kann 1:04:36 Yes! Harry buys some cool fancy omnioculars. Michael Boothby 1:04:42 It's like glasses that just give you a smartphone app overview of the game. It lets you know who the players are. It's like watching the broadcast TV version of the game. Christina Kann 1:04:55 Oh, cool. Grace Ball 1:04:56 Yeah, they are very cool. Michael Boothby 1:05:00 And they were expensive, right? Weren't they like 10 galleons or something? And Harry's like, "Guys, I'm balling." He's like, "My parents are dead, guys. It's on me. You're my friends. I did nothing for this money." Ron's like, "Oh I couldn't," but then Harry's like, "Don't worry, I'm just not buying you a Christmas gift for the next eight years," and Ron's like, "Lol, okay bro." They're so cool about it. Christina Kann 1:05:26 It's wild that Harry's in a position to drop, just on a whim, the same amount of money that Fred and George just bet, which must be their life savings combined. Michael Boothby 1:05:38 Money is not an issue for Harry. Harry's got a trust fund. Christina Kann 1:05:42 This chapter uses the phrase "small fortune." Ron has always been mad that Harry inherited a small fortune and he was stupid rich. But, you know, that's Ron. That's Ron's problem. Michael Boothby 1:05:51 Right. Yeah, it's Ron being insecure, right? Which is fair, but Harry's not showy with his money at all. He really uses it to help himself and help his friends. You know? Christina Kann 1:06:02 Yeah, it's true. Michael Boothby 1:06:04 Like he's a good friend here, right? You're going to the festival and there's like some cool shirt, and your friend's like, "I'm gonna buy you that $50 shirt. Why? Cuz I know you love that band." Grace Ball 1:06:13 Yeah, it's not like he's doing it to brag. He's doing it because he wants them to have this. Michael Boothby 1:06:18 He just wants to enjoy the game with his friends and all the have the app experience. Christina Kann 1:06:24 It's like when you're like, "Let's go out for drinks," and your friend is like, "Oh, I'm trying not to spend money right now." It's like, "Dude, I will buy you a drink. I want to just go get a drink with you. That's so much more valuable than your $6 beer or whatever." Michael Boothby 1:06:36 100%. Christina Kann 1:06:38 Get you best friends who drink $2 beers. Shoutout to Emily. We went out for Emily's birthday dinner, and I was like, "Don't worry, babe. We'll treat," and Sean was like, "We're gonna treat??" and I was like, "Her meal is like $10. That's five beers and one appetizer." Michael Boothby 1:06:54 I can see Sean saying that. Christina Kann 1:06:58 So then a gong sounds off in the woods, and it's time to go! Grace Ball 1:07:03 Yeah! Christina Kann 1:07:05 It's exciting. Michael Boothby 1:07:06 I wanted to play like a sample of a gong sound right there. clip 1:07:10 *gong sound* Christina Kann 1:07:12 So that's that! We're going to the World Cup. The next chapter is going to be exciting in a different way. This chapter had some really good world building in it that I really enjoyed, and even though plot-wise, it's dull, nothing's happening, it is still really a nice tone to set before we go into the World Cup. It's kind of getting our guard down so that when shit hits the fan that night with all the Death Eaters, it catches the reader off guard too. Michael Boothby 1:07:44 It's a really good misdirection. This chapter is like comedic, it's like family sitcom vibes. You know? Christina Kann 1:07:51 And like bureaucratic also. Michael Boothby 1:07:53 Right! It's like also like the Office. There's these bureaucrats finally letting loose at the festival. Grace Ball 1:08:03 Also, you see so much more of the wizarding community at large. Michael Boothby 1:08:09 This is the fourth book. Isn't this the first one where they did like things outside of Hogwarts, before Hogwarts? Christina Kann 1:08:15 Yes. Michael Boothby 1:08:16 So it's also that too. As a reader, it's the first time you're like, "Oh whoa, we're out in the world. What does that look like?" Christina Kann 1:08:23 In Book Three, Harry spends two weeks living in Diagon Alley, so it's like baby steps into the world-building. Michael Boothby 1:08:29 Before the book? Christina Kann 1:08:31 Yeah. Michael Boothby 1:08:31 Really? I don't remember that. Christina Kann 1:08:35 He blows up his aunt and takes the Knight Bus. Michael Boothby 1:08:40 Oh yeah! Right, he does have that. Christina Kann 1:08:42 So we get two weeks of him eating ice cream and studying and shopping, which sounds great. Michael Boothby 1:08:49 Being rich and renting AirBnBs and going out for nice meals and studying. He's living the dream. Grace Ball 1:08:56 Treat yo self. clip 1:08:57 Clothes? Treat yourself. Fragrances? Treat yourself. Massages? Treat yourself. Mimosas? Treat yourself. Christina Kann 1:09:04 Well, any last words about this chapter? Anything we didn't bring up? Mike, did we read all three of your notes? Michael Boothby 1:09:09 No, no, there's one more and we definitely have to go back to it because this is my middle note. I just wrote "page 86: the accidental magic reversal squad." I love that. I was watching Men in Black last night, and it's like the scene where they go to the morgue, and there's the alien bodies and the little alien speaks to the lady. and they flash her, and then there's a whole team coming in to wipe the whole place down. This is the wizarding version of that. I would be on that. If I was a wizard, I'd love that job. You're like, "Where are we going today? What happened? No shit. They did what? All right fuck yeah. Okay." You know, that'd be a pretty fun job. I love the names of all the departments that like go into this chapter. They're almost like these little punch lines, right? And they're all really clever. Christina Kann 1:10:05 The word "accidental" is funny because in our legal system and our government, doing things by accident doesn't really absolve you of anything. Michael Boothby 1:10:16 That's how you get sued, right? I like that there's no lawyers in the wizarding world. Apparently. Christina Kann 1:10:23 We always say that there's only three careers in Hogwarts. It's teacher, government or entrepreneur. And I'm gonna be the wizarding world's first lawyer. That's my job. That's my path. Michael Boothby 1:10:37 No, don't do it. No! Christina Kann 1:10:40 I'd be a great lawyer. Grace Ball 1:10:41 I think if anyone could do it, it would be you. Christina Kann 1:10:43 I'd be a great magical lawyer. Michael Boothby 1:10:45 Imagine the magic small claims court. That'd be another funny Robot Chicken sketch, right? Christina Kann 1:10:54 Or even a show like the Office. Michael Boothby 1:10:57 Right! Hey, hey, Warner Brothers. You want you want a hot comedy based in the Harry Potter universe that no one's expecting? Hire me, Michael Boothby. Christina Kann 1:11:09 That would be amazing. Michael Boothby 1:11:11 I would write the shit out of that. Christina Kann 1:11:15 Grace, any last words about the chapter? Grace Ball 1:11:17 Wow. Um, no, I think we did a great job. Good job, everybody. Christina Kann 1:11:21 Yeah, I think so too. This was a very fun episode, and it's time to move on to our plugs. I would love to start by plugging our Patreon! This month's bonus episode will sort Brooklyn 99 characters into Hogwarts houses. That's a lot of fun. That's our $5 a month tier. But honestly, for as little as $1 a month, you can join us on our Discord server, where me, Grace, and Michael hang out with the rest of our really awesome community. So it's a great place to be. Come join us! Linked in the show notes. Um, Grace? Grace Ball 1:11:58 Yes. Christina Kann 1:11:58 Do you want people to find you on the internet? Grace Ball 1:12:00 No. It's mostly because I'm boring. I don't do anything. Christina Kann 1:12:06 Find her on the Discord. Grace Ball 1:12:07 Yeah, I'm on the Discord! Head over there, folks. Christina Kann 1:12:11 What do you have that you've been reading, watching, playing, listening to, etc. lately that you have to recommend? Grace Ball 1:12:18 I have kind of been watching a show sporadically, and I just finished it last night. It's called Maniac. I don't know if you guys have seen it. It's been out for a couple years. Christina Kann 1:12:28 Yeah! With Jonah, uh-- Grace Ball 1:12:31 Jonah Hill and Emma Stone. Christina Kann 1:12:33 Yes, I did watch that. Grace Ball 1:12:36 You did watch it? Christina Kann 1:12:37 Yeah. Grace Ball 1:12:38 Oh, cool. Okay, nice. But basically, for anyone who hasn't seen it, the story jumps between Emma's and Jonah's characters while they're participating in a pharmaceutical trial, and basically, the intention of the trial is to find a way to replace talk therapy. During a lot of it, the two characters are put into a dream state to get to, you know, their deeper issues or whatever. So they keep popping up in each other's dreams, which is really interesting. But because a lot of the show is made up of their dreams, there's a lot of genre hopping happening, which is cool! Yeah, it's definitely got some weird parts, some stuff that's really far out there, but overall, I finished it, I thought it was really well done, and I recommend giving it a watch. Christina Kann 1:13:30 Yeah, I support this plug. Michael, where can people find you on the internet? Michael Boothby 1:13:36 Sweet! Yeah, guys, I'm on Facebook, unfortunately, still. You could find me there. You can find me on Instagram @itsmichaelboothby -- or is it? Send me a follow request and you'll find out. Beyond that, I have a SoundCloud as well. I've got some music online. Unfortunately I had to stop recording because I got a noise violation here in my sister's apartment, but I'm moving to a condo soon, and we'll be producing and recording more music. So if you want to check that out, check that out. I'm also on the Discord as well, so definitely join that amazing community. You know, I pop in there a few times a day and just see see what's going on. Sometimes I just read it but sometimes I like to chime in as well. I like to lurk. I'm a big big lurker. Christina Kann 1:14:29 So what have you been reading, watching, listening to, playing, etc. lately that you think that the listeners of our podcast would enjoy? Michael Boothby 1:14:40 I don't think this series even needs any more endorsement than it's already getting. But I've been watching the Squid Game on Netflix. It's amazing. I mean, I was watching the nightly news earlier today for the first time in forever, and even at the very end, they did a whole thing interviewing Netflix. They were like, "This might be the biggest show we've ever had. It's been like tremendously successful." I've had a blast watching it too. At the very first episode, I didn't know that it was dubbed, so the whole time, I was like, "It's not matching up. Why is it not matching up? What's going on here?" And then I realized after, oh it's dubbed. That's become a big thing of contention online. People have been like, "Oh, the dubs are so bad. Watching with subtitles is bad too!" Just fucking watch it. Whichever one. Honestly, the dubs are not bad. I watched it with the dubs. I started that way. Six episodes in, I'm like, "Maybe I should be a purist and watch it in Korean with subtitles," and then I did it for five minutes and was like, "No, I want to go back to the voices. I want the experience of watching it." Christina Kann 1:15:46 My problem is that I can't just like sit and be still and watch TV. I have to be able to look away from the TV for a couple seconds. Michael Boothby 1:15:56 That's how I felt too, because I like to move around during -- especially if I'm bingeing, you know, I like to work out a little bit or my body some. If I'm watching four one-hour episodes, you know, gotta move. Gotta move. So, yeah, Squid Game's been dope. Games. If any you guys played video games, I highly recommend The Forest on PlayStation 4 or 5? I mean, I think it's probably another shit too. But it's a fun survival game. You crash in the forest, there's some cannibals. I played it with my best childhood friend who still lives in Orlando, and we've been catching up through video games recently. We've been playing that game. I had this moment where I'm just like chopping wood in the game. Just cutting down trees. I'm doing like all the things that I couldn't do, like building a tent, in this virtual world, but like, it's very zen. While just talking to my best friend about like, whatever. But also role playing a little bit. You know? It's fun. Christina Kann 1:17:01 Oh, I love that. Michael Boothby 1:17:02 Check it out. Yeah. Christina Kann 1:17:03 Hell yeah. Well, thank you for that. I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on twitter @christina_kann and you can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. Recently, I've been watching Only Murders in the Building, which has been plugged on this podcast before. It's really excellent. I've also been listening to 5-4 Podcast, which is about the Supreme Court, which Andrew plugged on this podcast, and that's really excellent also. What I would love to plug today is The Nature of Witches by Rachel Griffin. It's a really lovely YA romance about nature magic. It's really nice. It's got some thoughtful commentary about climate change, and a pretty good love story. And it's about like, witchy shit. So it's good to read for the Halloween season. So that's The Nature of Witches by Rachel Griffin. Well, Michael, thank you so much for joining us. Michael Boothby 1:18:07 Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I would love to do this again. Honestly, reading that chapter earlier was such a joy. It was so amazing. And it's cool to be able to talk to people about Harry Potter, right? Because it's kind of an old thing. But it still has such a special place in my heart. But I'd love to come back. Christina Kann 1:18:29 Absolutely. Yeah, we'd love to have you back. And you can also hear Michael every Sunday on the Movie Night Crew! All right, gang. I gotta go finish reading The International Language of Gambling before this book tries to collect its debts. Bye! Christina Kann (voiceover) 1:18:52 The Restricted Section is a member of the Movie Night Crew Network, which features other amazing podcasts such as its namesake, the Movie Night Crew, which is an extra chaotic podcast featuring the gang just shooting the shit about whatever movie they just watched. Christina Kann (voiceover) 1:20:02 The Restricted Section was created by me, Christina Kann, based on the book series by JK Rowling. All music by Ryan Kann. Logo by Michael Hardison. Support us on patreon.com/therestrictedsection. For as little as $1 a month, you can gain access to our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be. And there are other rewards as well, such as bonus episodes and Zoom happy hour hangouts. Be sure to follow us on Instagram @restrictedsectionpod, on Twitter @restrictedpod, and on Facebook @restrictedsectionpod. Also feel free to shoot us an email at restrictedsectionpod@gmail.com to share your thoughts, feelings, complaints, conspiracy theories, or even lavish praise. Christina Kann 1:20:48 There are certain people who can be trusted with the notes, and certain people who can't, and Grace is the kind of person who can be trusted.
0 Comments
SPEAKERS
Mike, Brooke Matherly, all, Christina Kann Christina Kann 00:02 "This had to be Charlie, who worked with dragons in Romania. Charlie was built like the twins: shorter and stockier than Percy and Ron, who were both long and lanky. He had a broad, good-natured face, which was weather-beaten and so freckly that he almost looked tanned. His arms were muscular, and one of them had a large, shiny burn on it. Bill got to his feet, smiling, and also took Harry's hand. Bill came as something of a surprise. Harry knew that he had worked for the wizarding bank, Gringotts, and that Bill had been Head Boy at Hogwarts. Harry had always imagined Bill to be an older version of Percy: fussy about rule-breaking and fond of bossing everyone around. However, Bill was -- there was no other word for it -- cool. He was tall, with long hair that he had tied back in a ponytail. He was wearing an earring with what looked like a fang dangling from it. Bill's clothes would not have looked out of place at a rock concert, except that Harry recognized his boots to be made, not of leather, but of dragonhide." It's hot. They're both so hot. Christina Kann 01:32 What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to the Restricted Section, the show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouth we read the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way that the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thank you for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about this week. Christina Kann 01:51 Chapter Five: Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. Harry makes it safely to the Weasleys' house, but the twins are anything but safe when Molly learns that they fed a Ton-Tongue Toffee to Dudley Dursley. She's mad all day until finally the family sits down for a nice dinner before going to bed early because they all have to get up early for the Quidditch World Cup tomorrow. Did I mention that we get to meet Bill and Charlie? Because we do. Christina Kann 02:22 Welcome to the Restricted Section, where we firmly condemn entrepreneurship of any kind! If you don't work for the government, we're not proud of you! I am delighted to be joined by my amazing friend -- I didn't pre-choose adjectives -- Brooke! Say hello to the listeners, Brooke. Brooke Matherly 02:39 Hello. I am in fact a government employee, so it all works out! Christina Kann 02:45 And we are delighted to be joined as well by Mike today! Say hello to the listeners, Mike. Mike 02:49 Hello! I am a proud unemployed American. Christina Kann 02:53 That deadbeat husband of yours. Brooke Matherly 02:57 That's alright. I like being a sugar mama. It's a power dynamic that works well for me. Mike 03:02 It's pretty kinky. Christina Kann 03:03 Mike, it's been a hot minute since you've been on the podcast. How have you been? Mike 03:07 I've been great. You know, just living in this semi-post-apopcalyptic world that we call America in 2021. You know, just waiting for the zombies to show up. Right? Brooke Matherly 03:18 I don't mean to fully call you you out, but it's good that there's a point to it. You accidentally misspoke and said "apopcalyptic," and that would be such a great album name for like a pop album. Mike 03:33 So here's another thing. I've been married to an English major. So that in its own right is trauma. Christina Kann 03:41 I though you were gonna make an "apoplectic" joke. Mike 03:45 ...And anyways, she's friends with other English majors. Christina Kann 03:50 It means like so mad that you like can barely talk, right? Brooke Matherly 03:54 I don't know. You've out-vocabed me on that one. Christina Kann 03:57 What? Apoplectic. I'm googling it. And it means "overcome with anger or extremely indignant," and you often see it like "I'm apoplectic with rage." Brooke Matherly 04:09 Folks, she nailed it. Mike 04:10 Damn, things I thought I would be doing with my Wednesday night. Christina Kann 04:16 So we are here today to talk about the Goblet of Fire, Chapter Five: Weasleys' (pause) Wizard (pause) Wheezes. Crushed it. Brooke Matherly 04:27 There is simply no way to say this any faster than you just said it right there. Christina Kann 04:31 Just say www! ... dot weasleys wizarding wheezes dot com Brooke Matherly 04:38 I have like a Reese's Piecies / Reese's Pieces moment with this, where I always think that it's Weasleys' Wizard Wheezies instead of wheezes. Christina Kann 04:49 What does this name even mean? Brooke Matherly 04:51 I think -- wheezes being like you're wheezing with laughter. Christina Kann 04:56 Okay. Brooke Matherly 04:57 So they're like wizarding jokes that will make you wheeze with laughter, and they're made by the aforementioned Weasleys. Christina Kann 05:05 Right. I probably would have just called my company like Weasleys and left it at that because it's kind of cute by itself. Brooke Matherly 05:12 But aren't they like an old magic family? Like, that's the thing, right? Like people would know. Christina Kann 05:19 They could be a bank, or like a law firm. Weasley, Weasley, Weasley, and Weasley, Brooke Matherly 05:24 Or a grocery store. Grocery stores be named everything. Christina Kann 05:27 Oh, yeah, that's true. Brooke Matherly 05:29 Like a Kroger is not inherently food-based. Mike 05:33 Yeah, also, if you met somebody named Kroger, you want to just automatically be like, "Oh, of the Krogers." Brooke Matherly 05:39 A grocery man, I see. Christina Kann 05:42 A grocer indeed. Mike 05:44 A fine American family, the Krogers. Christina Kann 05:48 So the chapter starts with Harry flooing really hard into the Weasleys' kitchen. He's escaping the last chapter. He left Dudley with his tongue growing, Uncle Vernon throwing china, Aunt Petunia screaming in fear, and Arthur just trying to figure it out. Brooke Matherly 06:09 I just love that as soon as he's out the fireplace, Fred's just like "DID HE EAT IT???" It's just like the most like boy prank moment of "Did it work?" Christina Kann 06:23 Yeah, it definitely was premeditated, for sure, evidently. Fred explains that he and George invented these candies, and they've been looking for someone, anyone, to test them on. Brooke Matherly 06:39 I'm surprised they didn't get any takers from within their family, to have your tongue grow up to a ton in weight out of your mouth. Christina Kann 06:48 Yeah, maybe if I was like a parent, I would be like, "Okay, I can probably fix anything you might do to me," but like, maybe not though. Brooke Matherly 06:57 But his parents are not supportive of this nonsense, right? It's not like when your daughter's like, "I want to be a hairdresser!" and you're like "Alright, you get to cut this section of hair." You know what I mean? Like, so that you can try it out or like you know, you let your three-year-old put makeup on you. Christina Kann 07:17 That's temporary. Brooke Matherly 07:18 Yeah, if this goes wrong, we're dealing with new magic. Christina Kann 07:25 Well, it's true it's true, but also they've been trying it on themselves, so I feel like that would help persuade me. If you've done it on yourself like six times, and it's worked fine every time, I might try it. Brooke Matherly 07:34 Maybe probably. I like to think that -- okay, they've been obviously making these all summer, and they've been looking for someone to try it out on. Does that mean that the twins have just been like up in the kitchen? Like just baking up a storm of toffees? Christina Kann 07:52 Interesting. That's a good question. Brooke Matherly 07:54 You can't magic food, right? That's one of the rules. Christina Kann 07:59 If you have the ingredients, you could -- they could like be magic thing it in their -- Oh, I don't think they're allowed to do magic. But actually, they might be able to. I don't remember Brooke Matherly 08:10 They can. Christina Kann 08:11 They're not old enough, but I think we've talked before about how maybe kids who have magical parents can do magic at home because how can they tell it's not the parents? Brooke Matherly 08:20 Right. Christina Kann 08:20 But they could be using like a cauldron or something in their bedroom. Brooke Matherly 08:25 I mean, we do here later in the chapter that people have been hearing bangs coming from their room for quite some time. Christina Kann 08:32 Yeah, indeed. I guess that's when the potion doesn't quite work. Brooke Matherly 08:40 My headcanon: The reason that Molly is so upset by this is because she has been working with the twins all summer to perfect a toffee recipe that she thought she was passing down to them as an important family recipe, only to find that they've been enchanting it to cause nonsense. Christina Kann 08:54 Oh my god that's like if my grandma gave me her beloved family brownie recipe and I was like "Alright, I'm gonna put some weed in it, though!" She'd be like, "That is not what this recipe was intended for." Brooke Matherly 09:06 100% Christina Kann 09:09 My grandma used to give me $20 bills in college and say "Don't spend this on weed!" and I would feel like, "Well it's the only 20 I have on me, so I'm gonna spend it on weed for sure." Brooke Matherly 09:18 You gave me cash! If you don't want it spent on weed, write a check! Mike 09:23 Also, way to date yourself, cuz man, that's a simpler time. $20? Wow. Christina Kann 09:32 I used to need a lot less weed to go on. Because of the post-apocalyptic America that we live in, as you mentioned previously. Mike 09:41 Of course. Christina Kann 09:41 So let's talk about how Fred and George given this candy to Dudley is bullying. This kid hasn't done anything malicious in like three books, honestly. Brooke Matherly 09:51 I mean yes, but also no. He's got a lasting legacy of shittiness. Mike 09:58 Yeah, I gotta I gotta stop that because I think the fact is we've all been reading this book very slowly, chapter by chapter -- what are we going on? Over a year now? Whereas a lot of us, when we first consumed these books, chugged through like 2, 3, 4, some of us like five books, all literally in one magical go. So in a lot of ways across the whole psyche of many readers, you get this aspect of "No, fuck him. I still remember him for the first book. He's a piece of shit." Whereas if you were to read it very slowly, yeah, you would be kind of like, "Why are they--? Come on! It's been a couple years now, guys. Let it go." Christina Kann 10:38 Yeah, especially Fred and George, because they've never even met the kid. They don't know how skewed Harry's storytelling might be. They're older and they're magical. Brooke Matherly 10:48 But they're also just like down to clown at a moment's notice. That is their entire character type. Fred and George are 100% of the people that you can call at three am because you're in prison in Alabama. And they're just like, "All right, we're coming." Christina Kann 11:03 For the record, I would come for you in prison in Alabama if you needed me to. Brooke Matherly 11:07 Thank you so much. I intend to never get imprisoned in Alabama. Christina Kann 11:10 Well, not in Alabama! Mike 11:12 For the record, I would not one because -- yeah, there's a lot of reasons. Going back to the Weasley brothers, I think this chapter is probably a really actually important chapter. And I know it might get overlooked because it's so short, and it's kind of like, you know, a little bit of fluff. But I think one of the reasons why this chapter is so important is because, in a lot of ways, Goblet of Fire is the first real deal adult, serious Harry Potter book. And I think for a lot of fans, it is that key, pivotal moment, where it's like, "Okay, we went from fun little adventures on the side, to now a coherent plot that will follow through for the rest of the series. And I think JK Rowling uses the Weasley brothers in a lot of ways like Shakespeare -- me and Brooke just saw Henry the Fifth. And I was thinking back-- Christina Kann 12:02 Ooh, my second-favorite Henry! Mike 12:04 Yeah. And I keep thinking back -- there's this reoccurring theme with the soldiers that are just goofing off. And when you watch it, you're kind of like, "What's the point of this?" But they add a lighthearted moment, and they add a fun little distraction. Because in this book, we're dealing, finally, with the serious ramifications of magic, magic law, magical powers, magic can kill now. Here we see people enjoying magic as a child would enjoy magic: for fun, for laughter, for jokes. And they constantly remind us of that, and I think that's why it's on full display here. Yeah, they're doing all these things, but it's harmless. Like, look what they did to the Dursleys. But it's like "Ah, it's okay." Whereas everything else in this book, we see magic being used, and it's permanent. It can be like, you get hurt. But with the Weasley brothers, you're kind of like, "Hey, that was a fun little ride. Don't do it again." Christina Kann 13:07 Later in the book, they turn Neville into a canary suddenly. Mike 13:10 Also, that's why I would have a threesome with them. Christina Kann 13:12 Oh. Mike 13:13 Dude, you just feel like it'd be a good time. You feel like there'd be some jokin and even if there's something awkward that happened during it all, you know you could just laugh about it afterwards. Brooke Matherly 13:22 I feel like friend George would play really upbeat music in the background and like dance when they're not directly involved, you know? Christina Kann 13:28 Oh, yeah! Mike 13:29 Yeah, I think having a threesome with those two would be pretty fantastic. Christina Kann 13:36 The twins definitely like house music, I think, for what it's worth. Mike 13:40 Oh, yeah. Brooke Matherly 13:44 My number-one threesome pairing of the Weasley family gets introduced in this chapter. Christina Kann 13:50 I was gonna say! Is this the best segue ever? Go ahead. Brooke Matherly 13:54 Bill and Charlie are literally in the house! Christina Kann 13:58 Yeah, they're in the house. Harry's never met them. Charlie is muscular and burned and hot, and Bill is tall and rock and roll and cool and hot. Brooke Matherly 14:09 So here's the thing. The initial characterization that we get when we meet Charlie is probably some of my favorite character introduction that we get in this series. These are the two best introductions in the entire series. Christina Kann 14:21 Yes! It paints such a picture for these characters that ultimately are pretty inconsequential. Christina Kann 14:26 Yeah. Brooke Matherly 14:26 The first time that Harry meets Charlie, he literally -- it's he holds out his hand to shake it, and it says that "Harry shook, feeling calluses and blisters under his fingers." To have that be the first thing you learn about a character, I'm just like, "Yes!" You get it immediately. This is a man that does hard shit. You know? Brooke Matherly 14:28 You know, he's a little bit stockier. We get like the fact that, yeah, he's got recent burns on his hands. I do only just want to contest the fact that Bill -- to say that Bill is unmistakably cool is a very '90s conception of cool, because he is introduced as wearing a fang earing, his hair in a ponytail, and wearing dragonskin leather boots. I don't know how much rock and roll that is, as much as it is just like, Aerosmith, you know what I mean? Mike 15:29 I always imagined him being Billy Idol except with red hair. You know? If you've ever seen press photos of Billy Idol, like '80s Billy Idol, you just expect him to be like, "With a Rebel Yell!" Brooke Matherly 15:48 A single fang earring just reads as very Crocodile Dundee to me. Christina Kann 15:52 I think he would rock it. I imagine him wearing almost like a -- Oh my God, I don't know the kind of jacket it is -- almost like a Victorian-era -- like a knee length dragon leather jacket or something very hip to tie the whole outfit together. Brooke Matherly 16:10 See, I thought you were talking about a My Chemical Romance Black Parade jacket. Christina Kann 16:14 Oh, yeah, like that! Just like that. Yeah. Um, so my notes that I wrote a long time ago encourage me to now initiate a detailed conversation about who you would fuck, and it reminds me to refer to our Twitter poll from July 28 and 29th of this year. So I went back in time on the Twitter. I asked on our Twitter: Who would you fuck? Bill or Charlie? And we got a whopping 23 votes. I think this is pretty much the hottest debate of this series, except for that it's so overwhelmingly skewed every time. Brooke Matherly 16:52 Is it all Charlie? Christina Kann 16:53 35% said Bill and 65% said Charlie. Brooke Matherly 16:58 Here's the thing: Charlie is introduced as sexy, strong manly man, and Bill is introduced as a banker with an earring. Christina Kann 17:11 That reminds me of my friend's stepdad has an earring that he got really recently, you know? Brooke Matherly 17:16 Right. That's what I'm saying. You get a couple of teases about what it is he does, but it's like, "As long as I find treasure, it's fine." But you work for a bank. I grew up with a parent who worked for the bank and like, singular earrings and male ponytails are not the vibe of a bank. Christina Kann 17:37 Yeah, I mean, I definitely would super consensually fuck Bill enthusiastically. But, as Haley said in a Twitter comment on our poll from July of 2021, which is this year, Haley said, "I mean, no hate to Bill. He's objectively hot. I just have a type and it's butch himbo nature boy." There's just something very like chaotic wilderness energy, you know? Brooke Matherly 18:04 Yes. Christina Kann 18:05 Almost like a puckish figure. He dances with dragons! Brooke Matherly 18:08 I see that. Mike 18:09 Nah, dude. Do the twins. Christina Kann 18:12 I'm not gonna do both the twins! Mike 18:14 Well, that's just because you're not adventurous. Do the twins. Christina Kann 18:19 The twins are gigantic though. Not their penises. They're just tall. Those actors are like 6'3" at least. They're very tall. Mike 18:27 Like I said, you know, take a fun ride, enjoy it. I'm not saying date them. Hell, I'm not even saying go on a date with them. I'm just saying text them late at night, "Hey, you up?" and just you know, go over there and just have some fun. Brooke Matherly 18:41 I'm so afraid that I would reach out in the dark to grab a penis and it would turn into a mouse to startle me. Mike 18:46 And that's the fun of it. That's kind of the fun of it. You don't know if they're laughing at you or laughing with you. Brooke Matherly 18:56 But I do know that they're laughing inside me. Christina Kann 19:02 Oh, I how do I transition from this into like, disciplining your children? Brooke Matherly 19:08 That's the thing: Mr. Weasley comes in so hot, like, "I am going to be a disciplinarian in this moment." Christina Kann 19:14 It's so funny to me -- Here's the thing. If Sean and I had seven children, we would be these people. And sometimes, we're interacting with the cats, and I'm like, "This is why we can't have kids." And it's things like this, where Arthur obviously wasn't going to tell Mrs. Weasley, who's been on this mission all summer of trying to set her kids on track. He's like one of the kids who's like, "Now we all know your mother is a hardass. So I'm not gonna tell her." I think part of the problem is that the kids think it's hilarious and they're roaring with laughter, and Arthur is like, "I just had to deal with so many, so many things before I left that house." Brooke Matherly 19:56 I mean, he brings up the fact that he's mostly upset because of the mistreatment of Muggles issue. Christina Kann 20:01 Right. Brooke Matherly 20:02 This speaks to his like only hobby as a wizard. He's like, "I had a moment finally in a Muggle household to just be there with their Muggle things. I was looking at outlets. I was having the grandest of times, even though we had to do all this crazy shit to get Harry out. This was a moment for me, and you decided to unprovoked attack a Muggle in my goddamned presence." Christina Kann 20:29 They insist that they gave this candy to him, not because he's a Muggle, but because he's "a great bullying git," which is not completely untrue, nut he just wasn't doing anything this summer. He was very scared already. Anyway, Arthur's like, "You wait till I tell your mother," and then Molly immediately enters the room. Brooke Matherly 20:48 Like "Tell me what?" And Arthur's immediately like, "I was not intending to tell you anything." Mike 20:56 "Yeah, this was a hollow threat at best." Christina Kann 20:58 "I don't know where to go from here." Brooke Matherly 21:03 "Tell you what, I'll tell you what. Harry and the twins are having a real lark, and you just can't -- you can't dance like that in the middle of a floo powder session." Mike 21:14 "I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I'll tell you what. The twins definitely weren't railin' some chick, that's for sure." Christina Kann 21:21 See, Arthur is a bad liar. We have no evidence for this. But he definitely is. Brooke Matherly 21:29 He has the demeanor of a bad liar. Christina Kann 21:32 Yeah, he's just too good. Sean's the same way. Sean is a terrible liar. He just can't fake it. I just want to make a note of this and then we'll move swiftly on. A lot of the last two chapters we spent harping on how grotesquely obese and like waddling Dudley Dursley was, and Molly Weasly is also fat, and she gets described as "plump" because she's a good person. Brooke Matherly 22:02 She gets the Santa Claus treatment. Christina Kann 22:04 She gets the Santa Clause treatment! She's like joyfully plum. Brooke Matherly 22:11 Plump and jolly. Mike 22:12 Look, she definitely doesn't suffer from diabetes. She's just living her best life. Brooke Matherly 22:19 They're ostensibly superduper poor, but if they're super duper poor, she sews her own clothes, she's overweight and harried. She's got seven kids to keep track of and two of them are barely graduating from school. But you know what, like, she's a really nice person. She's so happy though. Christina Kann 22:38 Right. It's immediately clear that Mr. Weasley was not actually going to tell Molly, as we mentioned. Enter Hermione and Ginny. They're just standing there; everyone's just standing there, and then the Molly-Arthur-twins thing really escalates very quickly. Brooke Matherly 23:02 Movie Hermione would never pick up on the social cues inherent to this conversation and be like, "Hey, Ron, Harry, welcome. We should go check out where Harry is going to be staying so he can put his bags down." And Ron's like, "Huh?" and she's like, "We should go now." Movie Hermione would just be like, "I don't understand human interaction is this book?" You know what I mean? Christina Kann 23:27 It's even more subtle. She's like, "We can all go," Hermione said pointedly. There is a lot more subtlety of dialogue here, I think, because just writing that someone does something pointedly is a lot easier than getting a 14-year-old actress to say something very pointedly. Mike 23:44 Yeah, I think the big key point is you have a dialogue that's written by an adult versus a dialogue that has to be acted out by a child. And at the end of the day, there's always going to be limitations to that. Christina Kann 23:57 Yeah, totally. So Harry Ron, Hermione, and Ginny leave. They're walking up -- There's like a whole, like West Wing like, montage -- not montage, but like -- what am I trying to say? The one shots of them walking down the hall-- Brooke Matherly 24:15 A walk and talk? Christina Kann 24:15 A walk and talk! But it's just up the stairs, up those seven flights of stairs or whatever. Ron's explaining to Harry what is Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes. We learned that Molly found some order forms in the twins' room. They are obviously going to want to start selling these at Hogwarts next year. They have loads of trick wizard shit. But obviously it is kind of dangerous. So Molly put her foot down and burned their order forms. Brooke Matherly 24:49 The most ridiculous part of this is the fact that Molly's so against it. Dude, your kids have an entrepreneurial spirit. They've actually created products that are well above what they should be able to do at this point in their lives. And they have successfully already taken orders -- they've sold them already. They're doing it. They've got a frickin Etsy shop. Mike 25:12 Imagine if Bill Gates, who started his company -- was it Bill Gates or Steve Jobs? One of them started their company in the garage. Imagine if their parents had come in and be like, "Get your shit out of my garage! I need to park our car." Brooke Matherly 25:23 "That's a lot of electric wires. That looks dangerous." Christina Kann 25:29 Yeah. Molly was already mad because the twins didn't get as many OWLs as she expected. How did the fuck do OWLs work? How do you get one? What does that mean? Brooke Matherly 25:40 I think if you pass it, you get it. Christina Kann 25:43 That's such a weird way to phrase it. Brooke Matherly 25:45 I think they're all done on a pass-fail system. Christina Kann 25:48 What? Mike 25:49 I don't know, I think it's supposed to harken to a lot of standardized testing. Don't forget, in England, their school system is much more stricter. So I forgot what we had in school -- I think it was called like the Topeka or something like that. Christina Kann 26:07 Topeka, Kansas? Mike 26:08 Yeah, it was like a standardized test, and they gave it some dumb name. But I think it's supposed to be like that. It's like, "Oh, you're supposed to get your standardized mark." So like, the concept was there's a standardized test, and if you don't do well on them, that's bad. Brooke Matherly 26:24 They are individual examinations in a variety of things. I think to get an OWL means that you passed that particular examination, because they take a lot of them. They take like seven. Christina Kann 26:33 But what does that mean? For their school career? Can they not continue taking classes in a subject if they don't get an OWL in it the previous year? Brooke Matherly 26:45 I think so. I think that it like tests you into upper levels of things. If you took a French language proficiency test, and they were like, "You don't get to go to Advanced French, because you cannot write a whole essay in French, and that's a required skill for the upper level." 27:00 I think that's a very, like I said, a very European mindset. You know, Europeans, their education is very structured. And then as you go further up, it becomes much more narrow, whereas American education is very broad, very much a liberal arts kind of get your tastes in everything. And I think maybe it's kind of a concept that as an adult, if you didn't get OWLs in that, they're like, "Well, you can't open up this store. You can't practice this kind of magic, because you didn't do good in transfiguration. Therefore, you cannot practice transfiguration." Brooke Matherly 27:32 Well, I don't know that it's that you can't ever do it, but I think it just disqualifies you. With the UK university system, there undergraduate degrees are only three years long, because you do your first year of your undergraduate degree in high school, like our version of high school, because you've already tested into a university track or a non-university track. Christina Kann 27:55 Oh, interesting. Brooke Matherly 27:56 And then you've already picked a specialization by that point. So you already know. So I think this is meant to kind of roughly approximate that system. I think you take OWLs in a large number of subjects and you take fewer NEWTs later on. Christina Kann 28:13 Yeah, I think that in book five before his OWLs, Harry does career guidance with McGonagall. And that's pretty much what that is. Mike 28:24 When she wrote this book, I don't think she ever really imagined a worldwide audience. I think she was just hopeful like, "Maybe this will take off in England and some other Commonwealth countries." So I think there are things that are intentionally added -- maybe not even by her maybe later by our editors -- where they were like, "Kids will relate to this better if we have these generic concepts that are similar, but not too similar, to what most kids go through in school." Christina Kann 28:53 Yeah, that makes sense. The Weasley twins told Molly that all they want to do after school is open a joke shop. Molly wants them to go into the government. It's just so funny because like, obviously not with this much chaos. They're not going into the government! She's in denial, I think. Brooke Matherly 29:11 Well, we've also talked about the fact that there are ostensibly three career tracks in the entirety of the wizarding world. Christina Kann 29:16 And they're not going to be teachers! Brooke Matherly 29:18 Yeah, it's teachers government or entrepreneurship. They are too chaotic for teacher or government. This is the only option left to them. What are they supposed to do otherwise, Molly? Christina Kann 29:26 Yeah, exactly. So they are still walking up the stairs. They meet Percy on the landing. He comes out of his room in a huff and asks them to shut up from "thundering up and down the stairs." Brooke Matherly 29:42 Okay, so he has this weird conversation with them about standardizing cauldron bottoms, because he's saying foreign imports have been a little bit on the thin side and it's causing extra leakage. Is this an intentional "made in China" joke? Is that what we're to take here? The classic thing of "Made in China isn't exactly a mark of quality there!" You know what I mean? Is that what this is alluding to? Mike 30:15 If you think about it from a geopolitical standpoint -- once again going back to the brilliance of JK Rowling -- she foresaw a lot of the trade issues that would become issues-- Christina Kann 30:25 Mike has a knife in his hand. I just want everyone to know. Mike 30:27 --and America and the current destabilization of the supply chain. Really, I think she foresaw that, and I think what she's trying to really hint at and warn her readers is that, you know, Tesla stock and Bitcoin is definitely going to roll in, and if you're not doging on the Robin Hood -- so I think that's really what she was trying to get at. all 30:54 *stunned pause* Christina Kann 30:55 Yeah, we can look for some more throughout the rest of the chapter. Percy's just bragging about work. Brooke Matherly 31:04 Okay, did Percy graduate? Is that what happened? Christina Kann 31:06 Yeah, last year. Brooke Matherly 31:07 This is his like job job. Christina Kann 31:09 Yes. His job job. Cuz he was Head Boy last year. Brooke Matherly 31:12 I'm kind of shocked that he didn't try harder to move out. Mike 31:18 Dude, what? 18 year old --? I'm sorry, man. I was a 19-year-old like waiting tables at Olive Garden. What 18-year-old is just sitting there being like *pretentious noises* like, come on, man. Brooke Matherly 31:29 I could see Percy being like, "From a logical perspective, I save a lot of money by staying at home with my parents." But clearly he's not happy here. He's like, "There's so much chaos all around me." Yeah, there's always gonna be, dude. Christina Kann 31:40 Yeah, maybe he's waiting to see how it is when the kids go to school for the year, though. Brooke Matherly 31:45 Maybe. Mike 31:45 Also maybe the wizarding housing market is pretty stifled. Christina Kann 31:50 Yeah, where is he gonna move to like live near other--? I guess London because that's where the Ministry is. Mike 31:56 Once again going back to like English culture and European culture in general, that's very very common. Christina Kann 32:02 What, wizards moving out of the house? Brooke Matherly 32:06 No actually, wizards staying home. Christina Kann 32:08 I see I see. Mike 32:09 In Europe, it's very common, if you're 20, 21, 22, to be living at home. In fact, it's kind of expected. So I think it's not odd really to be like, "I have a job. I'm stable. I have what many Americans would view as the impetus to move out, but I'm not going to because housing is hard to get and commuting is very difficult, I'm gonna save money, so I live at home with my parents." Brooke Matherly 32:40 it's similar to the northeast of the US. A lot of my friends that I know that live in New Jersey and Long Island and New York, they live with their parents for longer because their parents are just like, "This makes more sense. You can't really actually afford to live on your own. Just live here for a little bit longer until you can save up enough money that you can get an apartment on your own." I don't know. It just struck me as particularly weird for Percy because he clearly hates being in this environment so much. Christina Kann 33:10 Yeah. And also they live in fuckin Ottery St. Catchpole, which is not the place to live to be thriving as a young adult and moving your career ahead in the world. Brooke Matherly 33:22 I think he would want to be around other like other wizards-- Christina Kann 33:27 Other Percys. Brooke Matherly 33:27 --in a more thriving environment so that he could network and rub elbows with people, you know what I mean? Christina Kann 33:32 Yeah, it's true. So Ron and Percy fight, and Percy slams the door and Ron stomps up the stairs. And finally they make it all the way up to Ron's room at the top of the house. There's actually a really, really adorable illustration of it in my Jim Kay illustrated edition that I'm going to post on Instagram today, of Ron's little room. I love it so much. It's very orange, but the illustration makes it look kind of lovely, you know? And "Ron's old rat, Scabbers, was here no more." Okay, sure. We don't have time to go into that backstory. Brooke Matherly 34:07 I have a real question, because there's a big debate in this moment. And I want to know from our listeners, and we'll put a poll up on the Twitter. Pigwidgeon as an owl name: cute or catastrophic? Christina Kann 34:21 But also Pig! Brooke Matherly 34:23 I like Pig as a nickname. I'm actually with Ron on this. I think Pig is a cuter nickname than Pigwidgeon is as a full name. Mike 34:30 It also just sounds cool. "Here piggy, piggy, piggy, piggy, souieeeeee!" Brooke Matherly 34:35 I don't think they sooie at their pigs there, do they? Mike 34:39 You know, that's a great question. Christina Kann 34:41 Definitely not at their Pigwidgeons. Mike 34:43 If we have any English farmers listening, please comment. Brooke Matherly 34:47 Stop threatening me with that knife. Mike 34:49 I don't know what you're talking about. It's my magical wand. It's my it's my pointy death wand. Brooke Matherly 34:53 Michael calls it his magical wand because when you're waving a knife at someone, they tend to do what you want them to. Mike 34:59 It's pretty BA. But anyway, sooie. Brooke Matherly 35:06 But Pigwidgeon. As a whole name, I think it's catastrophic. I think that's terrible. Christina Kann 35:11 Okay. Well you can vote in the Twitter poll. Brooke Matherly 35:14 Okay. Christina Kann 35:16 There's usually two beds in this room for no reason because Ron sleeps in it by himself -- but right now there's four beds because Charlie and Bill are sleeping in the twins' room so the twins are sleeping in with Harry and Ron, which is ... the injustice. So Charlie lives in Romania; where does Bill live? Brooke Matherly 35:33 I think Bill has a cool bachelor pad. Christina Kann 35:37 In like London or something. Brooke Matherly 35:38 I'm gonna put this out strong: I think Bill has found a bachelor pad loft with an observatory. Christina Kann 35:44 Whoa! Brooke Matherly 35:45 I feel like that's his vibe. Christina Kann 35:46 So specific. I like that. I'd fuck there! Anyway, so they just like sit around and chat a bit. Ron's talking about how Percy is so obsessed with his job and his boss, Mr. Crouch. Hmm? That'll never come up again. Brooke Matherly 36:05 I don't know when this chapter takes place, but I'm shocked that it's not April because this is a little Easter egg hunt. There are little Easter eggs all over this chapter. Mike 36:14 Wow. Okay. Brooke Matherly 36:20 Because we get the Mr. Crouch tease. Christina Kann 36:22 Right. Bagman later. Brooke Matherly 36:24 We're going to get to our girl Bertha Jorkins. Christina Kann 36:28 Yeah, Bertha Jorkins! Brooke Matherly 36:30 We also tease the suspicious secret event coming up later that we're all preparing for which is obviously the triwizard tournament. Christina Kann 36:40 Yeah, definitely. This whole chapter is just setup, and it also feels like the whole last chapter was just setup, and last chapter we were talking about how the chapter before that was all setup. Should have been some condensing of chapters round this part of this book. Brooke Matherly 36:53 Like a good flan, we are at this point fully set. Christina Kann 36:59 And the next chapter is also kind of setup. And the chapter after THAT is when stuff starts to really happen, I think! Brooke Matherly 37:05 It takes a while for everything to cure. Christina Kann 37:08 It takes 130 pages to get to Hogwarts. Brooke Matherly 37:13 We haven't had that kind of a wait since the first book. Christina Kann 37:16 You're right. The first book there was a lot of buildup in the beginning. Mike 37:20 Yeah, but because there was so much buildup in the first book, and because it was so frustrating, it's literally left the vibe that still sticks and to all subsequent books, where Harry's afraid of being stuck with the Dursleys. And even now we hate Dudley. So that buildup still pays dividends even now. Wait, so wait, I can't remember. Goblet of Fire -- by this point, this is the longest of all the novels, right? Christina Kann 37:48 Yeah. Oh, for sure. Mike 37:49 Yeah. Actually, I remember when this one came out, and I was like, "Holy thickness!" Brooke Matherly 37:56 That's also what he says to me every night. Christina Kann 38:00 I do like 'em thicc. Yeah, so once the yelling in the kitchens appears to subside from basically the attic where they are, they go back downstairs to help with dinner. Molly is angry cooking, which -- I've been there, girl. Brooke Matherly 38:16 Dude, same. Angry cooking is second only to angry dish cleaning. Mike 38:22 My mom used to angry cook, and she would make amazing dishes. So as kids, we would intentionally piss her off, just do outlandish things to make her cook. So I knew that if I got in trouble at school, and I came home, I was like, "Man, I'm gonna get my ass whooped. But we might have crab legs tonight!" Brooke Matherly 38:45 Michael is an amalgamation of Fred and George. Christina Kann 38:49 That is so funny. So because she's mad, she's being careless -- also been there -- so everything's going wrong -- also been there. The potatoes are shooting around the kitchen and everything's exploding and she's slamming stuff. It's a shit show. She's just in her own little world right now. She's having a livid, vivid monologue that just absolutely no one needs to -- she wants no one to engage with her. She's just on a roll. Brooke Matherly 39:24 Clearly this is coming from a good place. She's just very, very worried about her kids. This is another big difference: Molly in the books isn't just like a vapid, overly supportive, quirky Mom, you know? In the movies, she comes off as "not like the other moms," basically. Christina Kann 39:48 Right. Brooke Matherly 39:48 Where she's just like there for them all the time. Like, "Whatever you want to do. Follow your dreams. I'm here to support you." And in the book, she's just like a real mom, where she's like, "I want you to do well. I don't want you guys to end up unemployed and sad. I would like to see you do something with your lives." Mike 40:06 "I don't want you to be overweight, unemployed, and sad--" Brooke Matherly 40:11 "--looking after seven kids alone in the countryside, and you never really did anything with your life." Mike 40:15 And she just pops like seven Zolofts offs. Christina Kann 40:21 Here's a question: she has rage. We see her rage at different times. And I think we can all agree that her family and her husband are a little afraid of her emotional reactions to things. Is she maybe like a little emotionally abusive, or manipulative? Brooke Matherly 40:44 I don't think she's emotionally abusive or manipulative. I think she's just the glue that holds the family together, and everyone is aware of that. So if she needs to be catered to, then she needs to be catered to. Christina Kann 40:59 Interesting. Brooke Matherly 41:00 Because if Molly gets too frustrated and walks out, no one makes dinner, no one makes clothes, no one gets school supplies. The house doesn't get clean, everything falls the fuck apart. Christina Kann 41:11 That's true. Mike 41:12 As a man who lives in constant fear of his spouse, I can sympathize a lot with their captiveness and how they're being held hostage by their mom, who is a violent, emotionally manipulative human being-- Christina Kann 41:28 I see your perspective. Mike 41:29 --who has monopolized basic chores within the house and use it as punishment to withhold. Brooke Matherly 41:38 Yeah, I'm punishing you by withholding your abilitiy to do chores. Mike 41:40 Whoa! No, nobody was comparing this to our relationship. Why would you make that correlation jump? But now that we're here, let's talk about that. Christina Kann 41:48 Mike, put the knife down. Brooke Matherly 41:49 Yeah, you still got a knife in your hands! Mike 41:51 Yes, and you have one at my heart. Christina Kann 41:59 The boys run outside for safety, and Charlie and Bill are having a table fight. That's the cutest thing about them both, is that they're like "This is a fun idea." Brooke Matherly 42:14 It's actual chaos. They don't stop until one of the tables breaks, and then they just magically glue it back together. I don't understand how Molly's so caught up with, what? A toffee that made someone's tongue grow real big? And then she does in the kitchen grab a fake one that turns into a mouse. Christina Kann 42:33 Yes, that was probably very infuriating, bad timing. Brooke Matherly 42:36 Yep, but meanwhile, her other two sons are fighting with her furniture outside. She's just like, "Oh, but that's Bill and Charlie." Christina Kann 42:46 Once you've proven yourself and left the house, you get to just be whoever you want to be. Brooke Matherly 42:51 You get free reign. Christina Kann 42:56 Percy, however, screams at Charlie and Bill out of the window to keep it down. Brooke Matherly 43:01 I love that he screams at them, and Bill, without skipping a beat, is like, "How's the cauldron bottoms coming on, buddy?" I love watching the Weasley kids interact with each other because they are just the most siblingy siblings to ever sibling. Christina Kann 43:20 Yeah, and we've wondered aloud on this podcast a lot about the dynamic of the Bill-Charlie-Percy relationship before other children were born, you know? Because Percy does seem to not really fit in anywhere, but for a while it was just the three of them. Brooke Matherly 43:39 There does seem to be a real divide in the family. Christina Kann 43:43 The twins are like a hard wall. Brooke Matherly 43:45 Yeah, because the twins are just so much. Christina Kann 43:50 Yeah, it's amazing they have kids after the twins. Brooke Matherly 43:54 Well, the twins are how much older than Ron? Like three years older than Ron? Christina Kann 43:58 They're two years older. Brooke Matherly 44:00 Gosh, that's late. I mean, I guess not. They would have been like one-ish when Molly got pregnant again. And like I could see, "Alright, they're one. They haven't really started developing outlandishly." They're not particularly mobile at that point. And then like by the time you have Ron, you're like, "Oh, no, what have I done?" Christina Kann 44:23 And then you're like, "Please, please just give me a daughter. I'll do anything!" and you have that one last Hail Mary baby, and you get Ginny! Which in the movies is a burden, but in the books it's a great bounty. Mike 44:35 Also, I'm just gonna say this: wizarding condoms aren't all they're made up to be. They still use goatskin. Brooke Matherly 44:41 We've talked about this before on the podcast. What is wizarding birth control? Surely they have very effective forms. I refuse to believe anything otherwise. Christina Kann 44:51 Potions! Just an easy potion. It tastes like Lacroix. Mike 44:56 Yeah, they have seven flights of stairs in their house. That's what they have. I don't really think they're mixing the potions on Planned Parenthood in the wizarding world. Brooke Matherly 45:15 Michael, Michael. Put the knife down. Christina Kann 45:22 All right, I'm taking the reigns. Let's all sit down for a nice family dinner and be polite. Please take off your hat. Brooke Matherly 45:29 This meal sounds delicious. Christina Kann 45:31 Yeah, for sure. Brooke Matherly 45:34 We get chicken and ham pie -- which, yum -- and then boiled potatoes -- which I'm assuming are seasoned to some point -- and then a nice salad. This is an ideal meal to me. Christina Kann 45:46 And then dessert is... "They had their pudding, homemade strawberry ice cream." I know that that's your kryptonite, strawberries. Brooke Matherly 45:55 I don't like strawberries. Christina Kann 45:57 It still sounds delightful. Imagine it was a different kind of berry. Brooke Matherly 45:59 Homemade raspberry ice cream, I could fux with. Blackberry for sure. I don't like strawberries. I find their flavor to be offputting. But I'm alone in that. Christina Kann 46:09 It's your only character flaw. Brooke Matherly 46:11 I am as alone and not liking strawberries as Haley is alone in not liking cheese. I accept that I'm the only person in the world. Mike 46:18 One of the things I did like about this scene was the subtlety of having Paul Hollywood show up and give a handshake to Mrs. Weasley. Christina Kann 46:29 Is the new season out yet, or have you guys only just been seeing all of the ads on social media like I have? Brooke Matherly 46:35 I've just been seeing all the all of the ads. Christina Kann 46:38 They posted on Instagram today themselves doing a parody of Achey Breaky Heart -- like, I can't. I can't with with that at all. Brooke Matherly 46:50 Oh, dear lord. Christina Kann 46:52 But that actually is exactly the vibe that's happening right now, Great British Bake Off. Definitely Fleur and Bill's wedding in the Weasley backyard in the last book with the big tent, you know? Brooke Matherly 47:04 I really like the exchange about work that happens here between Percy and Mr. Weasley, because this is exactly how my father and I talk to each other about our jobs. My father and I are in different but related industries. Mike 47:17 It's super exciting visiting her inlaws. Brooke Matherly 47:21 My dad and I are in different but related industries, adjacent industries. And when we talk, we talk exactly like this, where I'm always really fiery, because I've just been in it less time. My dad very patiently is like, "You know, there's wisdom in a lot of people you'll meet, even if you don't like working with them." You can tell Mr. Weasley is proud of his boy, but he's also trying to impart a little bit of like-- Christina Kann 47:52 He's like, "Hey, chill out." Brooke Matherly 47:54 Well, and it's also government, and anything in government is also politics. You can't just be like burning half the people in the Ministry and still expect to do well. Christina Kann 48:06 That's a good point. Yeah, they talk about Ludo Bagman because Mr. Crouch doesn't like Bagman, but Mr. Weasley says mildly that he likes the dude. It just is so funny to me. Ludo Bagman got the Weasleys their tickets to the Quidditch World Cup, which is an excellent favor, if you ask me, because that sporting event is dope, and I don't even like sports. Brooke Matherly 48:30 For the low low price of Mr. Weasley not investigating his brother, who definitely tampered with a Muggle object. Mike 48:40 Have we talked about government bribery? Brooke Matherly 48:42 That's literally what happened. Mr. Weasley straight up took a bribe to not pursue legal action against this dude's brother. That's how they're going to the Cup right now. Christina Kann 48:58 That's so funny. I didn't even clock that. Yeah, that's pretty par for the course, I think. Mike 49:06 What if Voldemort, in a different world, was kind of bad because his methods aren't good. But like he's also like, "Hey, I have a political like foundation, and I believe that the current government's corrupt, and I'm gonna end it." And you're kind of like, "Oh, okay, well I don't agree with how you're doing it, but he is kind of right." Hmm. Brooke Matherly 49:28 Another thing that's like very government to me that gets mentioned in this, is they mentioned that Bertha is not good at any job. But instead of firing her, they've just been moving her department to department for years. It's just very government to be like, "Yeah, we can't fire them. Maybe they'll do better over here." Christina Kann 49:48 I love her so much. I love just a dumb bitch who's so happy and trying her best. That's my favorite kind of person. Yeah, they're talking about Bertha. She's missing. Percy's like, "Mr. Crouch would never do this," and then he's like, "There's this big event coming up. You know the one, Father." Brooke Matherly 50:12 The top secret big event thing that we're working on that no one knows about. But actual question: is the Triwizard Tournament a surprise? Doesn't it occur on a schedule? Christina Kann 50:25 I think they had to take a break because people got hurt -- or died. I think in the last one people died. So they took like, a 100 year break or something. Mike 50:37 Sorry, that's just the most wizarding thing to be like, "These kids died. Should we maybe import safety measures? No, let's just take a hundred-year break and forget about this." Christina Kann 50:50 Well, maybe it was like a 15 year break. I don't know. Mike 50:53 They're like, "We'll just forget about it and repeat the past. Sounds pretty good to me!" Christina Kann 50:59 We've figured out a way for people to probably not die this time. Brooke Matherly 51:02 They just wanted to hit a point where people are like, "Remember that fun tournament we used to do when we were in school? I can't remember where they stopped doing that." Christina Kann 51:13 My question is why they would -- logistically, from a governmental, administrative standpoint -- why would you choose to do to host the Quidditch World Cup and host the Triwizard Tournament in the same year within a couple months of each other? Mike 51:30 This is actually terribly interesting, and it was actually answered in some fanfiction. There is this contest that's held every year in Europe called the Eurovision, and you see, the wizarding English team won that year. I believe it's on Netflix. Brooke Matherly 51:49 You mean Iceland? Don't disrespect Fire Saga. I love that movie. That movie got me through some dark times. Mike 51:58 What if the wizarding world had their own version of Eurovision? And they're like, "Whoever wins Eurovision this year gets to host that tournament where the kids die?" Like fuck yeah. Brooke Matherly 52:13 I mean, maybe that's the thing. Do they just like randomly select other schools every time? Mike 52:18 It's only three schools, man. Christina Kann 52:19 It is three schools. Brooke Matherly 52:22 They go on to talk about the World Cup. And they're mentioning all of the teams that played in the, I suppose, runoffs or playoffs? And it's like, fully global. We get Ireland obvi, Bulgaria obvi, but we also get Peru, Luxenborg, Wales, Scotland, and Uganda. Christina Kann 52:45 I thought we were talking about the Triwizard Tournament. Brooke Matherly 52:49 Well, that's what I'm saying. Maybe the Triwizard Tournament just like bounces around the world with different sets of combinations of schools going on, Is it always the same three? Christina Kann 52:57 I think so. Mike 52:59 Yeah. I think it's supposed to be like kind of like-- Christina Kann 53:01 The European magical schools. Mike 53:03 Yeah, well, like Harvard versus Yale kind of thing. These three schools have this ongoing rivalry and it's kind of known. Brooke Matherly 53:11 And we let them kill each other recreationally? Christina Kann 53:13 No, but that's the point is we think we figured out how they can probably not maybe kill each other. Mike 53:18 Probably not. Brooke Matherly 53:19 Probably no one will die. Mike 53:20 We don't really know because we haven't held this tournament at 100 years, so we're not really sure, but fuck it. Let's do it. Brooke Matherly 53:26 The Hogwarts promise: probably no one will die. Mike 53:30 You're sending your kid, and along with the first letter you get is another owl with a whole book of just forms you have to sign. Christina Kann 53:38 Waivers. Mike 53:39 Just waivers upon waiver. The kid just gets this nice little letter, but the parents are running around with stacks of paper. And one of them, because it's wizard, they're like, "Hey, you've got to sign this with your blood. It's got to be under a full moon." You're like, "What? Why?" and they're like, "Your kid might die!" Christina Kann 53:57 Bold of you to assume that anyone in the wizarding world would value actual paperwork. It's cute -- during this part of the chapter, we're just getting little snippets of conversation. It's a little bit tedious. We could be doing other things right now. But we get Mrs. Weasley arguing with Bill about his earring. "No one at the bank gives a damn how I dress as long as I bring home plenty of treasure," is his answer. I have a couple of questions. Is Bill a pirate? Is Bill bringing home treasure ethically? Is it possible for anyone who is a resident of Britain to bring home treasure ethically? Brooke Matherly 54:33 I think there's probably a 0% chance that this is fully ethical. But if we were to take a potentially ethical spin to it, I think there is a case to be made that maybe he tracks down stolen items. You know what I mean? Christina Kann 54:49 Like a spy. Brooke Matherly 54:51 Yeah, basically. If Gringotts was making a cash transfer done in ye olden day style, where they put it in a suitcase that gets chained to someone's wrist right. And they're like, "They killed our messenger and they stole 2000 gold. Go find it." I could see that. Christina Kann 55:09 Galleons, please. Brooke Matherly 55:10 Galleons. There can be gold galleons. I could see it being like that kind of scenario where he tracks down-- Christina Kann 55:22 Let's say that that's what he's doing. Brooke Matherly 55:25 Misappropriated, stolen, or otherwise -- I think people can report -- because they don't have a credit card, so if someone steals your shit, you can't just like turn it off and get the money credited back to you. I think Bill's the back end of that. Christina Kann 55:38 Okay, all right. I like that interpretation. Also, he might be a pirate. Brooke Matherly 55:43 Maybe pirate. I do like that this is the most mom conversation in the world. I -- and Tina, I know you've done the same on multiple occasions -- dyeing your hair funny colors gives you the exact same response from your parents. Where they're like, "Your hair is rainbow. How can anyone respect you? Did they stop paying you a salary the minute that you did this?" Christina Kann 56:03 Right. Brooke Matherly 56:04 And you're like, "Nope, believe it or not, I talked to the CEO like this, and he doesn't care." Christina Kann 56:08 Right. I am in fact the same person I was before. Brooke Matherly 56:11 Yep, shockingly, not a single person I've ever been on a job with has been like, "Dear God, you have a tattoo. Leave and never return." Christina Kann 56:20 Right! Leave and never return. Mike 56:23 Also, this is like the '90s, so it's kind of like wickedly Gen X. Brooke Matherly 56:27 What? Mike 56:28 To be like, "I have a dragon earring." Brooke Matherly 56:32 To be fair, he has a fang hearing. We don't know what the fang is from. Mike 56:36 I always assumed it was a dragon. Brooke Matherly 56:37 But it is -- Easter eggy chapter -- and what does Bill get bit by later? Christina Kann 56:45 A werewolf? Brooke Matherly 56:47 Maybe it's a werewolf fang. Christina Kann 56:48 Interesting. Brooke Matherly 56:50 From the moment he enters this series, he's tagged as a beast inside. Christina Kann 56:54 Oh, wow. They left their mark on him! Interesting. Okay. Brooke Matherly 57:00 Um, I have one last question. Christina Kann 57:02 Go ahead. Brooke Matherly 57:03 About their Quidditch conversation. How did they know? Are they reading about these in the paper? They don't have TVs; they don't have radios. Are they reading about these matches in the paper? Or are they attending them? They're all over the world. Christina Kann 57:17 Do you remember how in Hello from the Magic Tavern, they have all the different ways that you can tune in to watch Mittens? Including -- isn't there one that's like slaughtering a cow and like watching in its blood? Brooke Matherly 57:29 Slaughter a horse and watching in its blood, yep. Christina Kann 57:34 In this case, I have no idea. Brooke Matherly 57:36 I'm assuming it's just the paper but like-- Christina Kann 57:39 That's not very exciting. Brooke Matherly 57:41 It's not. They're enthusiastically talking about like, "Oh, they edged them out in the last minute," or "Well, Krum's a decent player, but Ireland's got seven." How do you know? How many games have you seen of Bulgarian Quidditch? How are you to know any of this? How does Ron even keep up with the Chudley Cannons? Christina Kann 58:04 Yeah, I don't know if he like -- I mean, it just seems so distant from how we receive news like this, that a kid would go to his mom or dad and be like, "Hey, did the Cannons win last night?" and then have the answer be enough. But like, these are country, old-fashioned kids. Brooke Matherly 58:24 It's baffling to me because I just don't understand how you could be a devoted fan of a sport that you cannot see ever. Mike 58:32 This is literally the most millennial conversation I've ever heard. Christina Kann 58:38 Maybe maybe Arthur can get other free tickets to local games from work, but this is the World Cup so they bring Harry. Mike 58:50 Yeah, he doesn't go to many games. That's what makes us special. But he follows the team, reads it in the newspaper, sees it, and talks to people, and they tell him. It's a very millennial mindset to be like, "If you can't see it, it doesn't exist. How doI know you went to Belize? It's not on your Instagram!" Brooke Matherly 59:12 Even in the '20s, they listened to baseball games on the fucking radio. They don't even have that! Christina Kann 59:16 How do you get emotionally engaged in something you can't actually experience? Brooke Matherly 59:20 Correct. Mike 59:21 So that's why you go to the game. Brooke Matherly 59:25 But these games are happening in Uganda and Peru. Right? Mike 59:28 Okay. Okay. Hold on. We are reading a book about people who literally just transported through a fucking fireplace and you literally just asked, "How do they get to these places?" Brooke Matherly 59:39 Does Floo powder work internationally? Christina Kann 59:42 I think it would have to. Mike 59:43 "How do the people on the broomies with the magical powers--?" Brooke Matherly 59:47 It just seems like it would be too much. Mike 59:50 "How did the school from -- Oh, they took their magical boat under the water and it just appeared?" Christina Kann 59:55 Both perspectives are valid. Brooke Matherly 59:57 Would have to dump a whole satchet of Floo powder to get all the way to Peru? Mike 1:00:03 "How did that one school with the magical flying cart -- Oh that's right! They just flew there!" Brooke Matherly 1:00:08 I am never going to be satisfied, even in this series, for an answer being "because magic." Christina Kann 1:00:14 Okay, I'm with you. I'm with you. Ron asks Harry if he's heard from Sirius Black, and the answer is yes. And that's it. It's a very brief conversation. Brooke Matherly 1:00:25 Thumbs up. Christina Kann 1:00:27 Gotcha. Brooke Matherly 1:00:27 They're like, "About anything in particular?" and Harry's like, "Hmm, what have I learned in the past 3 books about telling people what's going on? Nothing? No, everything's fine." Mike 1:00:37 Wouldn't it be crazy if it's like a movie and they asked that line in the movie and Harry says it, and then you just see his eyes stare off and you see like sounds in the background? And you're like, "Wait a second, there's a whole side quest here? and they're like, "Oh yeah, whole side quest. Whole adventure." Brooke Matherly 1:00:53 Just horror imagery of nightmares of people being killed. Mike 1:00:56 Yeah, like we murdered some people for a weekend. Brooke Matherly 1:01:02 Harry's like, "I am not sure entirely how complicit I have been in a couple of murders at this point." Which is a lot for a 14 year old. Christina Kann 1:01:11 Yeah. Mike 1:01:12 That's why he's just like, "Yeah, yeah, Ron, I have." Christina Kann 1:01:19 Mrs. Weasley finally sends everyone to bed and because they have to be up at the crack of dawn to get to the World Cup. She's going to spend the day getting their school supplies from Diagon Alley. She's honestly probably like really, really stoked to be able to just go shopping by herself. I would be if I were her. Brooke Matherly 1:01:37 I'm also hoping that Harry, like, wizard Venmoed her enough money for this, because she surely does not have the cash to be also getting his school supplies, and Harry is very rich. Christina Kann 1:01:49 Yeah, you're right about that. Brooke Matherly 1:01:50 He should be paying them rent. He is wealthy enough to be paying them rent. Christina Kann 1:01:54 Yeah. That's it gang. That's the end of the chapter. Is there anything that we failed to address that you just simply must discuss? Brooke Matherly 1:02:03 If anything, we just failed to undress? And that was really a disappointment to me. Christina Kann 1:02:08 Aw. Mike 1:02:11 Wizards invented international travel. They're also recklessly murdering children for their own bloodsport, and you know, don't ever pass up on a chance to have sex with two twins. Brooke Matherly 1:02:26 Mike's lessons at knifepoint. Mike 1:02:30 Which is another podcast you should tune into, or else! Christina Kann 1:02:34 Well, that seems like a good segue as any directly into our plug portion of today's episode. I would love to start by plugging our Patreon! September's bonus episode for our patrons covered My Immortal, the very mysterious and goffick and legendary Harry Potter fanfiction and all of its lore. Special shoutout to Haley for running that one for us. Link is in the show notes. Please support us on Patreon to get more bonus episodes of that nature. Brooke, where can people find you on the internet? Brooke Matherly 1:03:08 You can find me on Instagram @passion_for_parks. You can find me on Twitter @grumpybrooke. And this week, I would love to plug a book that I have been demanding everybody in my entire social circle read. It's called "Malice." Christina Kann 1:03:24 Oh yeah! You're bringing it to me. Brooke Matherly 1:03:25 I am. It's called "Malice" by Heather Walter. Part of the reason I'm so excited is because it's so rare that I just walk into a bookstore and I picked up a book based entirely on cover art. And I flipped open the inner jacket, and I read a couple sentences, and I was like, "Yeah, fuck it, I'll get it." And then what I proceeded to read was one of the most original, well thought out, delightful, sapphic fantasy novels. It is a retelling of Sleeping Beauty. It is fucking amazing. It's one of two, but the second book is already written and good to go and coming out in May of next year. So this is not a thing where we have to worry about reading it or getting invested in it. And it's just so good. It is a great book. Everyone should read it. I make no hesitation there: everyone should read it. It is very, very good, and I loved every minute of it, and you should too. "Malice" by Heather Walter. Christina Kann 1:04:22 Oh my god, I'm so freakin excited. Mike 1:04:25 Read it. Christina Kann 1:04:27 Mike, where can people find you on the internet? Mike 1:04:29 They can find me on the Internet at 208-672-2222-- Christina Kann 1:04:38 I thought maybe you'd plug your Instagram or something. Mike 1:04:40 Oh, I thought you needed my local IP address! My bad. You asked me where I was on the internet! You can find me on Instagram @weirdcarsrva. You can also find me on TikTok @magicmikedancedancedance. Brooke Matherly 1:04:47 You cannot find him @magicmikedancedancedance. Christina Kann 1:04:59 I wish. Mike 1:05:02 But yeah, sadly I am not as well versed as by amazing, intelligent, beautiful wife, so I do not have any books to recommend. Brooke Matherly 1:05:09 Plug that poem that you've been digging. Mike 1:05:11 Oh, there was a really good Leonard Cohen poem called "Kanye West Is Not Picasso." It's freakin amazing. It's a really short poem. So if you got two minutes, just literally type on Google "Kanye West Is Not Picasso." Christina Kann 1:05:32 Hell yeah. I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann, you can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann, and you can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. This week I have to recommend to you -- What is it? What did I decide? I forgot already. Oh! Bob's Burgers! I'm plugging it because the new season started last week, last Sunday, actually. And I fucking love that show. Y'all know I love that show. I have plugged it before. I just wanted to let anyone who doesn't know that there's a new season know that there's a new season. I don't know anything. I haven't watched it yet. Podcasts get recorded ahead of time. Well, that's that. Brooke, Mike, thank you so much for joining me on this fine, fine evening. Brooke Matherly 1:06:14 Absolutely. We're always happy to get to hang out with each other in someone else's presence. We're the masterful couple of making other people third wheel for us. Christina Kann 1:06:25 I love that. Brooke Matherly 1:06:26 You're actually probably one of the few people that has enough of a sense of self and strong personality that you can't be made a third wheel. Mike 1:06:34 You are. You're the unicycle. Brooke Matherly 1:06:37 And we're just like clinging to the back of it. Mike 1:06:40 I don't know what the fuck we are. I don't know what else goes on a unicycle. Brooke Matherly 1:06:43 We're on a trick bike. You're actually driving it. I'm sitting on the handlebars, and Mike's on the pegs on the back. Mike 1:06:50 And we're totes about to go play N64 at Eric's house right now and I think he has some weed from his older brother. Christina Kann 1:06:58 Guys, how am I supposed to naturally wrap it up from here? Brooke Matherly 1:07:03 Just go for it. Plunge straight in. Christina Kann 1:07:03 I gotta go finish reading "Tricky Candy for Tricky Boys" before this book starts disciplining me. Bye! Brooke Matherly 1:07:11 Bye. Christina Kann 1:07:11 Mike, say bye. Mike 1:07:14 Byeeee! Christina Kann 1:07:18 The Restricted Section is thrilled to be a member of the Movie Night Crew Podcast Network, which features amazing other podcasts, such as My Cabbages: an Avatar Podcast. My cabbages is an avatar the last airbender podcast that was started by two lovable nerds during a global pandemic to stave off their inevitable existential crisis. Christina Kann 1:08:55 The Restricted Section was created by me, Christina Kann, based on the book series by JK Rowling. All music by Ryan Kann. Logo by Michael Hardison. Support us on patreon.com/restrictedsection. For as little as $1 a month, you can gain access to our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be, and there are other rewards as well, such as bonus episodes and Zoom happy hour hangouts. Be sure to follow us on Instagram @restrictedsectionpod, on Twitter @restrictedpod, and on Facebook @restrictedsectionpod. Also feel free to shoot us an email at restrictedsectionpod@gmail.com to share your thoughts, feelings, complaints, conspiracy theories, or even lavish praise. Brooke Matherly 1:09:43 Did you just get a knife to scratch your back with? Mike 1:09:46 Yes. Brooke Matherly 1:09:47 You got to show her that night. It's a large knife.
SPEAKERS
Mary Clay Watt, Christina Kann, actual ghost probably, Jason Hilton Christina Kann 00:02 "Harry wheeled around. Dudley was no longer standing behind his parents. He was kneeling beside the coffee table, and he was gagging and sputtering on a foot-long, purple, slimy thing that was protruding from his mouth. One bewildered second later, Harry realized that the footlong thing was Dudley's tongue, and that a brightly colored toffee wrapper lay on the floor before him." Okay, I'll read more. "Aunt Petunia hurled herself onto the ground beside Dudley, seized the end of his swollen tongue, and attempted to wrench it out of his mouth. Unsurprisingly, Dudley yelled and sputtered worse than ever, trying to fight her off. Uncle Vernon was bellowing and waving his arms around, and Mr. Weasley had to shout to make himself heard." So that's what we're doing in this chapter. Christina Kann 01:10 What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way that this story and its themes have stayed with the generation into adulthood. Thank you so much for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about this week: Christina Kann 01:30 Chapter Four: Back to the Burrow. Harry spends a very tense day waiting for the Weasleys to come pick him up at the Dursleys'. Uncle Vernon is wearing his best suit for the occasion in a show of power. But unfortunately, the Weasleys arrive via fireplace, and also very unfortunately, the Dursleys' fireplace is boarded up in favor of an electric fire. So the visit starts poorly with Arthur Weasley blasting the Dursleys' fireplace apart, and it does actually in fact get worse from there. On their way out, Fred drops a bunch of candy. Whoopsie! Oh wow, what a silly accident. Well, of course, dieting Dudley eats one candy that was accidentally left behind, and it causes his tongue to grow uncontrollably. So Uncle Vernon starts chucking china pieces at Arthur, and Arthur makes Harry leave via Floo Powder while he fixes everything. Not all heroes wear capes; some wear "long robes in varying states of shabbiness." Christina Kann 02:40 Welcome to The Restricted Section, where we WILL explode your living room! I am delighted to be joined today by my boisterous friend, Mary Clay! Say hello to the listeners, Mary Clay. Mary Clay Watt 02:51 Hello, listeners. Christina Kann 02:53 I'm so glad you're back after summer vacation. Mary Clay Watt 02:56 I know! I was just I was texting you earlier this week, and I was telling Jason when you were running around your house resetting your Wi Fi, that it feels like it's been a while. I couldn't remember what I was last on for. Obviously it was Prisoner of Azkaban, which comes right before this book, Goblet of Fire. Christina Kann 03:15 Yeah. Mary Clay Watt 03:16 So it's good to be back talking about good old HP. Christina Kann 03:22 The last episode you were on was the movie episode with Ethan and Haley, and that does feel like it was truly so long ago. Mary Clay Watt 03:31 Well, honestly, when we recorded that episode, it very well could have been when I was still at my old job. I know I was at my old house. It was probably before we traveled -- we did all this traveling for my brother's wedding. I lived with my parents for two weeks when I was in between leases. And then moving in was a whole process because we had an issue with our gas stove leaking gas. And so it's truly like a lifetime has passed in terms of what I've experienced since I was last on. Christina Kann 04:13 You've come so far and tried so hard. And in the end, it definitely mattered. And our special guest today -- you might have heard of him -- is Jason Hilton, editor of the Movie Night Crew! Say hello to the listeners, Jason. Jason Hilton 04:32 Hello to the listeners, Jason. Mary Clay Watt 04:34 I almost did that joke, but I couldn't remember what Christina said exactly. Christina Kann 04:44 You may remember Jason from his past episodes. He was on for Chamber of Secrets, Chapter 17: The Heir of Slytherin, and Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter Seven: The Boggart in the Wardrobe, so pretty good chapters, if I do say myself. Mary Clay Watt 05:00 Quality stuff. Jason Hilton 05:01 Well, my first chapter was the very first chapter of Chamber of Secrets. So... Christina Kann 05:07 Oh really? Jason Hilton 05:08 Yeah. Christina Kann 05:09 Dang, I didn't even look. I scrolled back and I'm sure I was like, "Oh, there's this Chamber of Secrets one and that's all that he did." I didn't remember you did two. Jason Hilton 05:19 I am hurt. That was a special recording. Christina Kann 05:23 You're right. I do remember, though, cuz that was incredibly boring and terrible. *scathingly* Harry Potter was a very special boy. Jason Hilton 05:31 Yeah, and I was way more nervous. Christina Kann 05:34 Well, I hope you're comfortable. In fact, let's all get comfortable in the Dursleys' living room. Jason Hilton 05:42 While we can. Christina Kann 05:44 While we can. Today, we're talking about Chapter Four of Goblet of Fire, Back to the Burrow. But like, wow, misnomer, cuz we don't see the Burrow in this chapter. Mary Clay Watt 05:54 I know, I was very disappointed. Jason Hilton 05:56 Me too. Like, exactly. I was actually pretty let down. Christina Kann 06:00 Okay, but it's still a pretty fun chapter, at least compared to the past two chapters. Mary Clay Watt 06:05 It is very fun, but I just don't understand why she wouldn't have combined either the previous chapter and this chapter, or this chapter and the next chapter, you know? Jason Hilton 06:16 Yeah, you like blink in this chapter is over, so it seems weird to even separate them. Mary Clay Watt 06:21 It is still very fun. But I said before we officially started the episode that I kept reading on to the next chapter because it was so funny. I had a vague memory. I was like, "Don't Bill and Charlie, like, smash tables together like with their wands?" And I was like, "Did that actually happen?" But we're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about Harry just sitting in the hallway. Jason Hilton 06:52 Freshly packed. Christina Kann 06:53 Okay, be grateful for what you get. Yes, he packs. Yeah, to go to the Weasleys'. The Dursleys are pretty tense about the wizards that are coming to their house. Frankly, I'm impressed that they're even bearing this anxiety compared to how they usually act about "your kind." Mary Clay Watt 07:14 I can't believe they didn't just be like, "Harry, you have to go meet them somewhere else at a drop off point. We're not allowing them into our house." Christina Kann 07:23 Yeah. Jason Hilton 07:25 They didn't even know how they were going to show up. So that probably wouldn't even have worked Mary Clay Watt 07:28 True. Christina Kann 07:29 Yeah, that's true. I mean, unless there's a public location with a fireplace, which does exist, but it would have to be like a bougie winery or something. Maybe not in the UK. There's actually probably a lot more fireplaces in the UK. Uncle Vernon says that they better dress normally. Vernon, for his part, is wearing his very best suit, which is so ridiculous. Even if Mr. Weasley was a Muggle, it's still a ridiculous outfit to wear to sit in your living room. Mary Clay Watt 08:02 I loved the note that it wasn't because he wanted to look, you know, put together for his guests; it was that he wanted to show off how much money he has or how nice his clothes are or something. Jason Hilton 08:16 Yeah. Which is a pretty big sting for the Weasleys. Mary Clay Watt 08:21 They don't wear Muggle clothes, so Vernon wearing an impressive, nice, fancy suit isn't something that's going to impress them. They're just gonna be like, "Yeah, it's muggle clothes. I guess it looks nice. Like, congratulations." It's like me when people tell me basically anything about what their car is. I'm like, "Cool!" Christina Kann 08:43 Harry doubts that they're gonna dress in a way that Uncle Vernon likes because the Weasleys parents, they often wear long robes. I feel like wearing long robes every day would be extremely obnoxious. What do you guys think? Jason Hilton 08:58 Well, it drags on the ground all the time. You even notice that in the movies, where they have like soot always on the bottom of their wizarding robes. It would seem kind of inconvenient for me. I don't go around wearing like a trench coat all the time. Well, for multiple reasons. Mary Clay Watt 09:16 I would love the feeling of just always having a cape on. I know our dear friend admin Edna mode says "No capes!" I would just love the feeling of like anywhere I walk. It's like whoosh! Jason Hilton 09:27 Friend of the podcast Edna Mode. Mary Clay Watt 09:29 Yes, she listens. Jason Hilton 09:31 I like to imagine Arthur Weasley coming in with the most stereotypical wizarding outfit possible, just by chance, so he's got the big, pointy Merlin hat and a purple cloak with yellow stars and moons all over it. Like, "Hello!" And he's just trying to be nice, but greatly offending. Christina Kann 09:50 Oh my God, we have that exact outfit. We bought our Dumbledore outfit; you just described it like exactly. I think that I would be okay wearing long robes every day at Hogwarts, where everything's cold and made out of stone, you know? Christina Kann 10:08 It's not very dirty. It's not muddy, you know? It's just these big stone corridors with nothing to catch you. If I had a robe, I would get it caught on everything, and also I'm realizing now that the kittens would just love that thing. Mary Clay Watt 10:08 Yeah. Mary Clay Watt 10:24 Yo, you know when you're going about your day and then, absolute day-ruiner, you're wearing a cardigan and the pocket gets caught in a doorknob? Is this only a me experience? Christina Kann 10:36 No. Jason Hilton 10:39 No, that's happened to me with belt loops. Mary Clay Watt 10:41 Okay, or a similar thing: you have you have a jacket on, you have a purse, you have anything on your body, and you walk past a door, and it catches on the doorknob. Christina Kann 10:51 It's usually my purse. Mary Clay Watt 10:52 You just imagine how often that would happen with your robe? Jason Hilton 10:55 I'm just concerned with how much fire is in Hogwarts. Christina Kann 10:59 Oh, that's true. Jason Hilton 11:02 Oh yeah, Snape gets his robes on fire, right? Mary Clay Watt 11:06 Yeah, but that's because a student did that to him. Christina Kann 11:10 Yeah, someone set him on fire. That's different from just catching on fire. Mary Clay Watt 11:16 I would have to have a summer robe. Jason Hilton 11:18 It's really easy for children to set your clothes on fire. That's my only thing. That's why I wouldn't want to wear one. Christina Kann 11:25 Yeah, Mary Clay, I suppose a summer robe would consist of like -- oh my god! At the Renaissance Fair, Lelia bought this capelet. It's like Little Red Riding Hood and it only covers her shoulders and it's adorable. Mary Clay Watt 11:41 I'm imagining a sheer robe that's mostly just an overlay. You know? Christina Kann 11:52 Mmm! Yes. Mary Clay Watt 11:53 That maybe some floral designs on it or something for the summer. That would have to be my summer robe, since it's, you know, always 90 degrees where we live. Christina Kann 12:06 It's true. Jason Hilton 12:07 Not in jolly old England. Christina Kann 12:10 Okay, and then so Dudley is acting generally afraid because the last time that he met a wizard, he got a pig tail out of it. Well, the text calls him a full-grown wizard, I think, but it was Hagrid. I would argue that he's not a full-grown wizard. He doesn't have wizard training. Mary Clay Watt 12:31 I think it means he is a wizard who is full grown. Like he's an adult. Jason Hilton 12:37 Yeah. Mary Clay Watt 12:39 Rather than like a fully trained wizard. Jason Hilton 12:41 He may be a child on the inside, but he is an adult on the outside. Christina Kann 12:45 And I suppose Dudley wouldn't know the difference. He was probably very threatened by that man at the time. Mary Clay Watt 12:51 Yeah, but of course, it has to refer to that as a distant event, because if you say, "The last time Dudley was with a wizard, Hagrid gave him a tail," and then JK Rowling would have to be like, "Hagrid is the gatekeeper at Hogwarts." How she'll pepper in those details. "Yes, we know. It's book four. We know." Jason Hilton 13:17 I kind of appreciated those sometimes because there was such a big gap between when the books came out. What was it, like every couple of years? I don't remember. Mary Clay Watt 13:26 Yeah. Christina Kann 13:26 Yeah, it was definitely a couple of years between them. Jason Hilton 13:30 Oh, yeah. Christina Kann 13:30 Not many though, honestly. Pretty impressive writing pace, and George RR Martin could stand to take a leaf out of HER?? book. Reading these books this time around, I feel so bad for Dudley, honestly. He never stood a chance as a human being or a character. The text just absolutely despises him in a way that children should not be despised. Jason Hilton 13:57 Although him constantly holding his butt this entire chapter was pretty funny. That was a funny detail that she kept bringing up. Christina Kann 14:04 I think it's sad. He's like, absolutely terrified. Mary Clay Watt 14:07 Yeah. Also it mentioned that they had to take him to a private hospital for the tail to be removed. Christina Kann 14:14 Yes. Mary Clay Watt 14:15 So that required surgery. He was in physical pain, probably, because of what happened. Jason Hilton 14:22 Probably couldn't sit down for a while Christina Kann 14:24 Yes, that's what I was about to say! It's his favorite thing to do! Oh my gosh. We talked about this a lot in the last chapter, so we won't harp on it here, but the really rude fat shaming of Dudley continues through this chapter. He can't just walk out of a room, he has to waddle, you know? Yeah. And so the pig thing is just, I think it's just -- they're laying it on too heavy. In this book, he hasn't done a damn thing. Jason Hilton 14:53 That adjective "porky" makes a return. For sure. Christina Kann 14:57 God damn, remember that one pilot from Star Wars named Porkins? Jason Hilton 15:03 Oh yeah, for sure. He's my favorite character. Christina Kann 15:08 He's my favorite, too. It's a totally different situation. But-- Jason Hilton 15:11 I heard a funny story about that, where the actor was mildly offended at that because he was overweight. And he's like, "Are you calling me Porkins because I'm fat?" But apparently George Lucas was like, "Oh, no, you've got this whole backstory. And this is why Porkins is your name," or something like tha, just to make him feel better. Christina Kann 15:28 That's funny. Jason Hilton 15:28 Yeah. Christina Kann 15:29 Putting in the legwork. "Check out this worldbuilding. I'ma explain why the fat guy's named Porkins." So, lunch is very tense and silent. Mary Clay Watt 15:42 *SLAP* Christina Kann 15:42 Mary Clay, did you get the bug? Mary Clay Watt 15:44 Can you see it flying around? Christina Kann 15:47 No, I can't. Mary Clay Watt 15:48 There is a fly. First of all, there's a gnat and a fly in my room. And the fly, I think, has been in our apartment. Like I think it needs to pay rent at this point. Anyway, continue. Jason Hilton 16:05 No, I want to hear more about the bugs! Christina Kann 16:07 I spend a lot of time watching other creatures catch bugs because my cats love catching bugs, and there's so many in our house. Mary Clay Watt 16:15 Send them here! *SLAP* Oh my god. Oh, no. No, I slowed it down, though. Christina Kann 16:19 Dude, you can have a kitten if you want. Mary Clay Watt 16:22 I'm slowing down, I'm slowing it down. Okay, Jason Hilton 16:24 Gus will do that. He'll just grab a fly and coldly eat it. And I'm like, "Ah, God, this is nature in my house." Mary Clay Watt 16:33 My favorite videos from the summer have been pet owners being like, "Spit it out, spit it out now!" and they have a giant cicada in their mouth. And it's just a dog and their mouth is closed and then you just hear like the chirping but it sounds muffled. Christina Kann 16:53 So lunch is very tense and silent. I think it's silent, completely silent, except for that Vernon asks if the Weasleys will be driving. And Harry realizes -- sweet, stupid little Harry realizes -- that he has absolutely no fucking idea how they're getting there. Mary Clay Watt 17:08 Also, I love how as the books go on, and like I said earlier, at this point, she doesn't have the time to go in and every time they mention something crazy, explain exactly what happened. So she'll just pass by it really quickly. And so it mentions that their Ford Anglia is currently driving around the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts. So it's very funny as the books go on, and like you have these opening chapters reintroducing you to the world and people and characters and objects and stuff. All of these very crazy, out-of-context things that are just adding to the list. Jason Hilton 17:54 Do they even like attempt recap chapters once book seven comes around? I haven't read it in a long time. Mary Clay Watt 18:00 I can't remember. I don't know. We'll find out in three years. Christina Kann 18:03 I think they kind of stop in Order of the Phoenix. But Mary Clay, there is now suddenly a fly zooming around my office. And I think you summoned it -- or sent it. Mary Clay Watt 18:18 I think I did kill the fly because I can see it lying on my floor. So maybe his spirit, his ghost, is over there. Christina Kann 18:27 My God. I don't know how to segue from ghost fly into Harry sitting around. Mary Clay Watt 18:34 Just go immediately into whatever you we're going to talk about and just cut all of this out and put it into Patreon content. Christina Kann 18:41 A Patreon episode of just Mary Clay talking about the fly! Well, we need we need to do something while we're just waiting around for the Weasleys to show up. Harry's just sitting around. He's not even reading. They're just sitting. Mary Clay Watt 19:01 They're twiddling their thumbs, yeah. Jason Hilton 19:04 Their very, very bulbous thumbs. Mary Clay Watt 19:06 Oh, also want to point out that their lunch is cottage cheese and shredded celery. Christina Kann 19:13 God damn, that sounds so terrible. Jason Hilton 19:16 That's such a '90s diet. Christina Kann 19:18 It is a very '90s diet. I bet my mom had that for lunch more than a couple times. Jason Hilton 19:23 Yeah, I'm sure that was like a miracle recipe back then. It's like, "Oh, if you just get into cottage cheese, you're good. You'll never have to eat cheese again." And then of course, it was a dirty, dirty lie. Just like with kale. It's like "You'll never want spinach or lettuce again!" And like you know, I do. Mary Clay Watt 19:36 I don't want spinach or lettuce to begin with. Christina Kann 19:39 Aw. I love lettuce. Um, that's not relevant, so... Okay, so it's five o'clock. What time are the Weasleys supposed to get here? Mary Clay Watt 19:50 Five o'clock. It's very similar to how Jason and I rolled up to this recording. Christina Kann 20:01 Whoa! Mary Clay Watt 20:03 That was a self-roast. Christina Kann 20:04 So they're just waiting in utter agony. They're all just so tense. But Harry never doubts for a second that the Weasleys are coming to get him. Jason Hilton 20:15 Yeah, that's nice, but I don't understand -- when you have teleportation, how is being a late even an issue ever? Mary Clay Watt 20:23 Well, they still have to get to the fireplace, you know? When you have a family of -- and Bill and Charlie are there, too, at this point. Spoiler alert for the next chapter. I didn't read ahead, what? Even though I admitted it at the beginning of this episode, I think. I'm sure the Burrow's crazy, you know. Fred and George are probably running around their room being like, "Oh, you know, it would be really funny? Get some of the toffees. Let's test them out on Dudley," and they're planning that out. Ron's upstairs maybe straightening his room, and Arthur's downstairs, like, "Come on, boys. We have to go!" and then Molly's like, "Well, while you're standing here waiting for them, you might as well help me cook dinner." So I can see how the Weasleys being a very large, rambunctious family, it takes a while to get them all, you know, in one place. Even if that place is in front of their own fireplace. Jason Hilton 21:20 That is something I like to think about: if teleportation was like possible, I mean, I feel like people would still be late because you would still be procrastinating. You would be procrastinating to the very last second or something. Christina Kann 21:35 Yeah, my beloved husband Sean has ADHD, and he would be, for sure, that person who cannot get there on time with teleportation. Jason Hilton 21:45 I love the tone of your voice when you say "beloved husband." Christina Kann 21:50 I love him, but he literally sometimes just literally cannot make himself get it together and get out the door wall. It's always when we're going on vacation and the pressure's on and I'm like, "People are waiting on us." And he's like, "Wait, I'm resetting the router." Mary Clay Watt 22:08 Oh, I thought you meant you were going to right now to reset the router. Christina Kann 22:11 No, that's always why he takes so long. Mary Clay Watt 22:16 Also, consider, for people who have done remote work at all in the last year: Are you sitting at your computer exactly at 10am as the Zoom meeting rolls around? Or are you still on the toilet, scrolling TikTok being like, "Oh, shoot the meeting!" Jason Hilton 22:39 In general, that's why I can't get into TikTok. I'm refusing myself TikTok because I know I'll get sucked into that world. Mary Clay Watt 22:47 Oh, yeah. Jason Hilton 22:47 I feel like it'll ruin my life. Mary Clay Watt 22:49 I have a problem. Christina Kann 22:50 I've told your wife several times before that I think the two of you could have a very lucrative TikTok, and I'm happy to talk about that more at a later time. Jason Hilton 22:59 Oh no. That's I'm fine. Christina Kann 23:01 Your funny little songs. Jason Hilton 23:03 Oh, true. Yeah. Christina Kann 23:05 Finally, there's a scream. Uncle Vernon screams. There's a noise coming from inside the board-up fireplace. Mary Clay Watt 23:13 The call is coming from inside the house. Jason Hilton 23:15 Inside the fireplace. Christina Kann 23:18 Dudley immediately peaces the fuck out. He's like, "I'm just already done." Why is he even here? Go to your room. Mary Clay Watt 23:24 I know. I mean, that's always what I did as a kid and as an adult, is just go up to my room whenever people I don't know who I don't want to interact with come over. You just go to your room and close the door. Jason Hilton 23:36 It's that suburbanite thing where like, everyone has to be there to greet them. Or maybe it's just classic English politeness. Christina Kann 23:44 Dude, it's like the Von Trapp family. Line up. Parade out. Let me show all my friends what? I've made children. Jason Hilton 23:51 Can you imagine if there were seven Dursley kids? Christina Kann 23:54 No. They wouldn't be the same at all. Because part of that is that Dudley is like, inherently this way because he's the only, most precious child. Mary Clay Watt 24:05 Yeah, if they had seven children, they would for sure pick a favorite. And then the favorite would know that they're the favorite, you know? Jason Hilton 24:13 Yeah. I mean, it's always the first kid. Christina Kann 24:15 Um, it is not always the first kid. Let me tell you, me and my little brother go back and forth. Jason Hilton 24:21 Your parents go back and forth over which one they like more? Christina Kann 24:24 But we always know which one it is. Mary Clay Watt 24:26 I tell you what, as the third child in my family: The favorite is never -- it's been the first child a lot. It's been the second child a lot. It's never really been the third child. Jason Hilton 24:37 I know, there's there's so few pictures of me as a baby because I was the third kid. Christina Kann 24:42 Okay, in my family, the third child was beloved, but that's because he's an actual genius. Mary Clay Watt 24:47 I think there are two spectrums for third child in families. There is one end where the third child -- or the youngest or whatever -- is -- I say "spoiled" in the sense that like they're given almost everything that they want. The rules are relaxed for them. Things are easier for them because there's always attentionon them. Or they're just pushed to the side and forgotten because there's all this other stuff happening already. When you come into the world, it's like, "That's great. But I also have the six year old and this three year old and now I have a baby. You, at least, can't move. So I'm going to put you in the swing," which my mom referred to as the Neglect-o-matic. Christina Kann 25:38 Work smart, not hard, Mom! Mary Clay Watt 25:40 In order, you know, to wrangle the other children. So I was on the other end of the third child spectrum where it's like, brother's off at band camp, sister's off at swim team, and you have your Gameboy to sit in the bleachers and watch. Jason Hilton 25:55 And you can be quiet. Mary Clay Watt 25:58 And you can sit there and enjoy your book or your Gameboy or whatever it is. Christina Kann 26:02 My youngest brother, Ryan, wrote the theme song for this podcast, and if that isn't just the pinnacle of success, I don't know what is. Fred, George, and Mr. Weasley roll up into the blocked-off fireplace. Basically, they're coming in hot literally because there's a fire. But I guess the fire is not flammable. I assume it's blocked off with cardboard, right? No, yeah. No, not cardboard, wood. Plywood! Mary Clay Watt 26:31 What I think would have been more fun, is if the reason the fireplace was blocked up was because Vernon blocked it up when -- actually, I don't know if that's a movie detail or if they did that in the book as well. In the first book, with the letters coming, if he boarded the fireplace up when the letters came and then was just too lazy to take them down at some point, you know. Jason Hilton 26:57 I'll just get an electric one. Mary Clay Watt 27:00 I would have appreciated that detail of like, "but the fireplace was boarded up because Vernon tried to stop Harry's school letters from arriving." Jason Hilton 27:09 That's a Marvel-level continuity thing, so I could see that. Christina Kann 27:11 Yeah. Before I remembered the letters thing, what I was thinking is that maybe when Lily died, someone took the Floo Network to their house to tell them that that had happened, and surprised them. And they boarded it up so no more wizards could get through. Mary Clay Watt 27:29 I like that, I like that. I think the real answer, though, is just that like in -- quote unquote -- in the modern times of 1994, they have this electric fireplace that's a lot less effort for maintaining that they use instead. And I think that's just like, "Oh, this is this new gadget. It shows our wealth, it shows that we are with the times. It's something that we don't have to fuss about. And we can just turn it on and be warm and turn it off again." Christina Kann 28:07 I'm grumpy because Sean and I have an ongoing fight about what kind of firepit we should have in the backyard. And in the end, he bought me my regular wood burning fire pit, but he always complains that it's not gas powered. I like the smell of fire. Jason Hilton 28:24 Not when it's like blowing directly on me. Mary Clay Watt 28:26 That's nice until -- you know what, Christina? I was with you until I thought about the actual situation of sitting around a fire and then there's always that one person the smoke is always blowing in, you know? Christina Kann 28:42 Pkay, but I have a couch back there now. Can I interest you in a couch? Last time you were here, there wasn't a couch. Jason Hilton 28:47 Can I interest you in a smokeless couch? Mary Clay Watt 28:51 If I'm sitting on the couch, the smoke is still gonna blow at me when I'm on the couch. Christina Kann 28:55 I'll protect you. So Harry goes to speak to Mr. Weasley-- Mary Clay Watt 29:00 The fly! The fly was not dead. It got back up. Jason Hilton 29:04 It was pretending! Mary Clay Watt 29:05 It got back up and flew away. Oh my god. It was literally lying on the floor. And I saw it go by I was like, "Are you kidding me? There's another goddamn fly." Jason Hilton 29:12 I would recognize that fly anywhere. Mary Clay Watt 29:14 The thrilling saga continues. Christina Kann 29:17 That happens a lot in my house because the kittens don't like to eat the flies. They just like to take them down. So they'll bring down a fly and carry it around, and I think it gets all wet with spit, and then like three hours later it dries off and can fly away. They don't kill these flies. Cats are insane. So Harry's like, "Mr. Weasley, it's boarded up," and Mr. Weasley's like, "What the fuck?" But he's excited that there's an "eclectic" fireplace. And then Ron shows up. Have you ever seen a fireplace that all of these people could fit in at the same time? Jason Hilton 30:02 No -- Mary Clay Watt 30:03 I guess they're up in the chimney. Jason Hilton 30:04 Yeah. Mary Clay Watt 30:04 That's what I have imagined is that like they're stacked on top of each other. Jason Hilton 30:09 The logistics of everything was confusing me. I was like "That's the only way." Christina Kann 30:13 *dying laughing* STACKED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER UP THE CHIMNEY! Mary Clay Watt 30:19 Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess that's the only thing I can think of. Jason Hilton 30:24 Wait, why did so many people need to come? Mary Clay Watt 30:26 Yeah, that's what I don't get. Maybe, I would say Ron could come because it's his friend, but if you want to make the matter simpler, just have Arthur Apparate in, and then Harry can just hold on to his arm and then Apparate out, but maybe JK Rowling hadn't invented that concept yet. I love this moment when Ron pops in and says, "What are we doing here? Has something gone wrong?" "Oh no, Ron," said Fred's voice very sarcastically. "No, this is exactly where we wanted to end up." "Yeah, we're having the time of our lives here," said George. Christina Kann 31:05 I love them so much. So Mr. Weasley finally just straight-up blasts the fireplace open. And the Weasleys all fall out. Mary Clay Watt 31:16 Imagine like a slide, I guess, because they're all stacked on top of each other. Christina Kann 31:22 And then Mr. Weasley tries to go politely introduce himself. Jason Hilton 31:26 Yeah, I love his very bold attempts to try to win him over with kindness or politeness. It's like, "Hello. I just destroyed your living room. How's it going?" Mary Clay Watt 31:39 Oh, it would be so pissed. Jason Hilton 31:40 I know. I'm kind of with the Dursleys on this one. 100% Mary Clay Watt 31:43 Filthy. Christina Kann 31:44 Okay, but -- but to Mr. Weasley, this is something that can be fixed with magic in like 10 seconds, you know? Mary Clay Watt 31:51 Yeah. Jason Hilton 31:52 Yeah, he better. Christina Kann 31:53 He has no idea. He's trying so hard. Jason Hilton 31:54 How can you still not pronounce "electric" right? He's been working at the Ministry for years! Christina Kann 32:00 No one will talk to him about "ekel-tricity." Mary Clay Watt 32:03 And we find out that he collects plugs. So he should know that it's pronounced "electric." Jason Hilton 32:13 Yeah. I always wondered what goes on at a Muggle research because I'm like, "Can't you just go to a library?" Like a Muggle library? And find out like everything about them? We are really good at recording like literally everything about ourselves. Christina Kann 32:30 Yeah, that is true. We love to do that. Jason Hilton 32:33 But it's less fun that way. Christina Kann 32:34 So the Dursleys back away from Mr. Weasley in fear and horror. He tries to explain the Floo network to them, kind of -- well, he tries to explain -- "Well, this happened because we hooked you up to the Floo network." And he's just talking. He's like, "I can fix everything. Don't even worry about it." But they are actually in fact worried about it. I don't think they say almost a thing for like the rest of this chapter. Mary Clay Watt 33:04 Yeah, they're just standing there in shock. Yeah. Jason Hilton 33:07 Yeah. And there's very, very graphic depictions of what Uncle Vernon's face is doing right now. And Aunt Petunia "chewing her tongue," which sounds really painful. She doesn't even say a word in this chapter. Christina Kann 33:25 I think I know what that means. I have this like thing that I do that where I like, kind of chew the inside of my mouth a little bit. Jason Hilton 33:33 Oh, I do that, but your tongue? I don't --ow! That's a British thing. Christina Kann 33:38 I think it's like the same kind of thing, though. You know what I mean? Mary Clay Watt 33:53 Listeners, try at home. Christina Kann 33:56 Hit us up if you're a tongue chewer, let us know. Jason Hilton 34:00 Like and subscribe. Christina Kann 34:02 Like and subscribe, all tongue chewers. Fred and George are like "Lol, we'll go get your trunk, Harry." Jason Hilton 34:11 They really want to see what Dudley looks like. Probably. Christina Kann 34:14 Yeah, they've never met him and they lay eyes on him and then they decide to ruin his fucking life. Jason Hilton 34:22 Essentially poison him. Christina Kann 34:24 Yes! Mary Clay Watt 34:26 It is a funny note -- again, not that this is the chapter that we're discussing -- but in the next chapter, you know, Arthur tries to chastise them for what they do. And they're like, "In our defense, we didn't do it because he's a Muggle. We did it because he's terrible. I mean, he's actually the worst." Christina Kann 34:44 It's true. Jason Hilton 34:44 He got the pigtail already. Mary Clay Watt 34:47 I think we're good now. Jason Hilton 34:48 Well, he's continually horrible to him. He didn't really learn his lesson the first time. Christina Kann 34:52 I maintain that he hasn't done anything this book that we've seen. Jason Hilton 34:55 Yes. Christina Kann 34:56 So Mr. Weasley is trying to make small talk but he also just can't contain his excitement about like the Muggle shit around him. It's very adorable. Jason Hilton 35:08 It's like when I'm someone you barely know, like a friend of a friend or an in-law or something, who like, doesn't really know that much about you, but knows that you own batteries. So that's like the only thing he -- that's like the first thing he brings up. He's like, "I have a collection of batteries. My wife thinks I'm mad." Mary Clay Watt 35:30 There's a note from narrator Harry, that's like, "The Dursleys probably did think him mad." Christina Kann 35:36 Yeah, so Dudley returns to the room because Fred and George scared him. Jason Hilton 35:42 He smells candy. Christina Kann 35:43 And he smells candy. Mr. Weasley also tries and fails to make small talk with him. I think Mr. Weasley has it right. He looks at Dudley and he's like "That is a poor, stupid boy who doesn't stand a chance." And he uses his extra nice voice on him. Jason Hilton 36:00 Yeah, I appreciate that. He's like, trying his best. He knows these people are awful to him, and he really could just be as cold as possible to them, but he's really trying his best to come off like a respectable, nice person. Mary Clay Watt 36:15 Also, it's such a dad thing for him to be -- he says "Having a nice holiday?" Like, "How's your summer vacation going?" Jason Hilton 36:22 Oh, yeah. "How's school going?" Mary Clay Watt 36:24 "How's your break from school?" You know, that's such an appropriate dad question to ask. Jason Hilton 36:29 "What's your major again?" Christina Kann 36:31 I asked you how your summer break when at the beginning of this episode. They call me Pod Daddy. So Fred and George return with Harry's trunk, and Mr. Weasley magically lights a fire in the hearth, and he pulls out some Floo Powder. And he's like, "Fred, you go" and but on his way out Fred "spills" a massive bag of candy. Jason Hilton 36:59 Quote, unquote, "accidentally spilled." Mary Clay Watt 37:02 Oh, no, these candies fell out of my pocket. Jason Hilton 37:05 Stop, no, come back. Mary Clay Watt 37:06 Darn! Christina Kann 37:07 Oh, sorry! Are you on a diet? I'll get these away from you. Jason Hilton 37:12 Go ahead. They're low fat. Christina Kann 37:16 But like don't even worry about it because he gathers them up and then he leaves. He's gone. It's done. Never to worry. And then George goes next with Harry's trunk. And then Ron goes, and then it's Harry's turn. So Harry says goodbye. Obviously they don't answer him. And then Harry tries to leave, but Mr. Weasley stops him and asks the Dursleys if they heard Harry say bye. Arthur's like "Okay, well, you guys aren't even being like human decency levels with like this kid, hold the phone." Jason Hilton 37:52 He's got a lot on his mind currently at the moment though. It's like, "What am I gonna do about this hole in my wall?" And he's coated with soot. No one wants soot. Christina Kann 38:06 Arthur just really knows how to take things in stride and he's trying to encourage other people to do the same. Jason Hilton 38:11 Yeah, I think that was captured pretty well by they actor. He always felt like such a sweetheart, you know? Christina Kann 38:18 Absolutely. Jason Hilton 38:19 Just wants the best for everyone. Christina Kann 38:21 He makes Uncle Vernon say goodbye. Like the shittiest goodbye. Jason Hilton 38:25 Even though Harry really doesn't care. Christina Kann 38:28 Yeah, he doesn't care at all. But it's important to Mr. Weasley. Mr. Weasley's like, "I'm uncomfortable leaving this conversation without this social norm. You got to tell him bye, dude." Alright, so then Harry like goes to walk into the fireplace but -- dun dun DUN -- there's a gagging sound, and Dursley's on the floor-- Mary Clay Watt 38:53 Dudley. Christina Kann 38:54 Oh, yeah. What did I say? Mary Clay Watt 38:56 Dursley. NOOOO WHERE'D IT GO??? Every now and then in this recording you'll just hear-- Jason Hilton 39:05 No, it's the most exciting thing about this chapter, so. Mary Clay Watt 39:09 The fly! Jason Hilton 39:10 Tune in next time for the fly! Christina Kann 39:15 Yeah, so Dudley is on the floor. He's basically choking on his own giant tongue. You look like you're getting sworn in. Jason Hilton 39:25 She's just like waiting. Mary Clay Watt 39:26 Oh. OH! What now? Jason Hilton 39:30 Doubletap! Doubletap! Mary Clay Watt 39:31 Oh, I got it. I got it. I'm gonna send you guys a picture Christina Kann 39:36 Murder! Mary Clay Watt 39:38 Murder she wrote! Murder she did. Okay anyway. Jason Hilton 39:44 Murder she do. Mary Clay Watt 39:48 Here, I'll send it in Discord, and then people will have context for this a week later. Jason Hilton 39:53 Just send it now. No caption whatsoever. Just a dead fly. Everyone's going to be like, "Is Mary Clay okay?" Christina Kann 40:12 Just say "no context spoilers for next week." Mary Clay Watt 40:16 Okay, there we go. Jason Hilton 40:18 Okay. All right back to Dudley's tongue. Mary Clay Watt 40:22 Bitch. What now? Christina Kann 40:26 Um, yeah, so Dudley is choking on his own giant tongue. He must be so scared. I'm so sad for him in this chapter. Mary Clay Watt 40:36 This isn't something that is really a practical joke. Later -- I think in the next book -- they evolve this trick to have the cure attached to it. So it's not something that you're going to be stuck with forever. So I think that's fine and funny to trick your friends into eating some candy and then it's like, "Oh, your tongue's massive. Haha. Alright, here's the antidote." Christina Kann 41:04 Later in the book, Neville just turns -- there's a line something like "Neville caused a minor disruption by suddenly turning into a large canary" because he ate a canary creamer or whatever. That's hilarious. This is bullying. Mary Clay Watt 41:21 It's just a funny line. Jason Hilton 41:25 No, he has to go to the hospital for this. Mary Clay Watt 41:28 It's also the fact that they left the candy, and then, Arthur was one minute 30 seconds away from leaving. I think it could have been different if they were going to be with Dudley for the next, you know, day, where like, a wizard could come in and fix this immediately. But they gave him the candy, not knowing -- we find out later this is a test -- not knowing what it would do to him, they left this candy for him. That's just mean. Jason Hilton 42:05 Yeah, but it's always with like that kind of cynicism that that JK Rowling does where-- Mary Clay Watt 42:12 Ooh, it's twitching. Jason Hilton 42:13 Oh, God. Mary Clay Watt 42:17 The cynicism that JK Rowling does, continue. Jason Hilton 42:19 Yeah, where like, it's always like, these people are mean so it's okay to laugh at them. And it's okay to be mean to them. The pig tail was one thing. Him almost choking on his own tongue is a different thing. They wouldn't even know if he ate them while they were still there. So what if he ate them like two hours later and there was no wizards around? Mary Clay Watt 42:42 Yeah, exactly. Jason Hilton 42:43 And be like, "What the hell is happening?" This sounds horrifying, and it's probably for the best that they didn't put this in the movie because I don't think any kid would be okay with seeing a giant purple python coming out of a kid's mouth. Mary Clay Watt 42:57 Oh, that's right. The movie just opens with like, Harry like having a bad dream? Jason Hilton 43:04 Yeah. He's just at the Burrow. I think they were wise in saying, "We don't you don't need to know how he got to the Burrow. We just need him to be at the Burrow." Christina Kann 43:14 Yeah. For sure. Jason Hilton 43:15 Because I was looking ahead and I was like, "Oh God, the Quidditch World Cup doesn't even start for another 50 pages." Christina Kann 43:23 Tell me about it. They don't even get to Hogwarts until, I think, page 130. Mary Clay Watt 43:31 Yeah, it's crazy. Jason Hilton 43:32 Wow. Christina Kann 43:32 It's bananas. Mary Clay Watt 43:33 They don't even leave the Shire till page 150. Same kind of energy. Jason Hilton 43:41 When I was younger, this was probably the longest book I've ever read. I think it possibly still is. Is Deathly Hallows longer? Mary Clay Watt 43:49 Order of the Phoenix is. Christina Kann 43:50 Is it really? I thought this was the longest one. Mary Clay Watt 43:53 No, Order the Phoenix is the longest. Jason Hilton 43:54 Oh, so that's the longest book I've ever read, I guess. Because I don't think I've ever read anything over 800 pages. Christina Kann 43:59 I've mentioned before that this is the book that made me believe as a kid that I could read big books, because I could just destroy this. Jason Hilton 44:09 It is pretty magical -- no pun intended -- how we kind of grew up to be their ages as the books were coming out. So it was like, "Ooh, we're 14 now, we can handle this kind of book." You know? Christina Kann 44:23 Yeah. Yeah. I think the longest book I've ever read was one of the Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones Five, whatever the fuck that book is. Jason Hilton 44:31 I mean, if you want to count Lord of the Rings as one book. Mary Clay Watt 44:33 I was gonna say, yeah. Christina Kann 44:34 No, I don't. Mary Clay Watt 44:36 A thousand pages. Jason Hilton 44:39 I've always wondered about getting that edition of Lord of the Rings. It's like all three books combined into one. Mary Clay Watt 44:44 When I was a kid, I would go to the library and specifically pick out large books for the sole purpose -- This is something that like I'm really just realizing now -- for the sole purpose of being like, "Look at my giant book that I'm reading. Aren't I better than you and your fucking Frog and Toad?" What is it? Mr. Toad and Frog? Christina Kann 45:07 There's the Slytherin in her. We're seeing the Slytherin side. It is Frog and Toad. They're friends, they love each other. Mary Clay Watt 45:16 I was reading one of their stories to a kid last week was babysitting, snd it's just so delightful. I think Frog and Toad could easily be hobbits, you know? The whole plot of this story is that Toad made a list and it's like, "Wake up, get out of bed, get dressed," and it would be like, "And then he got dressed, and he crossed it off the list." And then it was like, "Go see Frog," and he would go and see Frog and then it was like, "And then he crossed it off the list." And it was just so simplistic, but I was like, "This is wonderful." The plot twist in the story is that he lost his list and was like, "But what do I do next? I don't have my list!" Christina Kann 46:09 Relatable. Jason Hilton 46:10 Frog talk and fly talk. This is great. Christina Kann 46:13 I feel like my life is just an elaborate series of lists. Okay, so we're on the floor. Jason Hilton 46:22 We're on the ground. Christina Kann 46:23 With Dudley! He's having a bad day! Jason Hilton 46:27 Is there anything like a detail or something you could talk about? actual ghost probably 46:32 How bout now? Mary Clay Watt 46:33 What was that? Christina Kann 46:34 What was that? Mary Clay Watt 46:35 Do you not hear that? Jason Hilton 46:36 Sorry. Let me turn that off. Mary Clay Watt 46:39 What the hell? actual ghost probably 46:40 Can you hear me now? Jason Hilton 46:43 A weird thing-- Mary Clay Watt 46:44 It's still going! I heard it. I heard something just say "Can you hear me now?" Jason Hilton 46:48 Okay, my house is like kind of haunted, but it's not really. So what happens-- Mary Clay Watt 46:53 I can hear it. Jason Hilton 46:54 You can still hear it? Mary Clay Watt 46:55 It's still talking. Jason Hilton 46:56 Oh my god. actual ghost probably 46:58 *mumbles* Mary Clay Watt 46:58 Hang on, be quiet for a second. Jason Hilton 47:00 I can't hear it. Mary Clay Watt 47:03 Shh. This is so freaky. Jason Hilton 47:07 Wait, wait does it sound like a hillbilly voice? Mary Clay Watt 47:11 Yeah! Jason Hilton 47:12 Yeah, yeah, it's weird because I can't hear right now, but you can. It must be coming through my microphone or something. But okay, so what happens specifically in my house -- and I don't know why it happens-- actual ghost probably 47:24 *mumbles* Jason Hilton 47:25 I pick up radio signals. Mary Clay Watt 47:26 It's still go ing! Jason Hilton 47:27 Yep. I hope like -- oh god, I hope my audio isn't recording it. Oh, darn it. actual ghost probably 47:34 *mumbles about microphones* Mary Clay Watt 47:35 I really hope that picks up on the recording. actual ghost probably 47:38 I know that. Mary Clay Watt 47:40 He said "I know that." Sir, can you hear us? Jason Hilton 47:46 Probably not. Christina Kann 47:48 Guys, I can't with this. I'm easily spooked. Mary Clay Watt 47:52 It's like those urban legends you hear about a family's baby monitor, like a dude was listening in on their baby monitor or something, you know? Christina Kann 48:02 Shut up! Jason Hilton 48:03 Yeah, so what really happens is we pick up radio signals for some reason. I've looked into it several times. Christina Kann 48:10 Have you ever talked to Sean about your audio haunting? Mary Clay Watt 48:13 It's insane! Jason Hilton 48:15 It is really weird because I do hear these conversations between people -- Sometimes, if I leave like my stereo on or my receiver on, I can hear it. My guitar amp picks it up. Christina Kann 48:26 That's hauntening! That's a hauntening. Jason Hilton 48:28 It's not haunting! It's really fucking annoying. Mary Clay Watt 48:31 It's a haunting. Your house is haunted by a ghost who was like a radio DJ, I think. Jason Hilton 48:40 It happened to me before. I pick up these guys who still communicate via like walkie talkie or ham radio or something. Mary Clay Watt 48:47 Yo we were just talking about -- that's how we started the episode! We were talking about that we needed to end over sentences with "over>' Jason Hilton 48:53 And these guys came to help us! How nice of them. Mary Clay Watt 48:58 Okay, we were talking about Dudley's tongue and it's terrible. He's on the floor. He's choking. Christina Kann 49:04 I'm choking because I've been laughing too hard. Let me take a sip of water. Mary Clay Watt 49:08 That's so freaky. Jason Hilton 49:09 Welcome to my life. Christina Kann 49:12 All right. Where are we? Mary Clay Watt 49:14 I can't wait. Christina, please tell me when you are editing this if it picks it up. Jason Hilton 49:21 I hope it doesn't. Christina Kann 49:21 I'm gonna have to make Sean sit in the room with me while I listen to it because I'm not brave enough. Mary Clay Watt 49:26 It was around one hour, the one-hour audio. actual ghost probably 49:30 I'm talking on the mic that came with the radio. Can you hear me? Mary Clay Watt 49:34 Did you just hear--? Christina Kann 49:36 He's talking on the mic that came with the radio! Mary Clay Watt 49:39 "Can you hear me?" is what he said. I wish this was juicier. Jason Hilton 49:45 I wish I could hear it. Mary Clay Watt 49:51 Okay. Let's keep going through the chapter. Christina Kann 49:54 I'm trying to hold it together. Jason Hilton 49:55 They never talk about anything interesting. I can't even understand them sometimes. Oh, actually, sometimes I think they do know that it happens because I just randomly hear like *incredibly strange sound* like someone making these really weird noises on purpose. I feel like he knows that people can hear him. I don't know. I wish I could find this man. Christina Kann 50:23 Oh my god, that is too scary. Mary Clay Watt 50:25 It's so freaky! Jason Hilton 50:26 I've lived in the house for three years and I wish I could meet this man and just punch him because he's interrupted so many things. It happened on my fucking soundbar for my TV! This fucking guy's voice would come in through it. Christina Kann 50:40 Have you talked to your neighbors? Mary Clay Watt 50:42 Have you talked to the FBI? Christina Kann 50:44 And or the FBI? Jason Hilton 50:46 No. I've looked into it. I've even got like these clips all over my microphones that are supposed to suppress any signals coming in. And it still doesn't -- it works. It happens less. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. But that's the only thing I've been able to do so far. I think it has something to do with the wiring in my house. It's really old. Mary Clay Watt 51:07 Oh my god. Jason Hilton 51:09 I don't know. But it happened to me a few times in my last apartment. Christina Kann 51:13 Okay, we're haunted. We're haunted and I'm moving on. Jason Hilton 51:15 It's Halloween. We're spooky. Mary Clay Watt 51:17 Forge onward; forge onward. Christina Kann 51:19 Forge onward. So next here's what happens: all hell breaks loose. And Petunia tries to pull Dudley's tongue out of his mouth. Question mark. Why? Jason Hilton 51:29 Incorrect first aid procedure. If someone has a swollen tongue, don't rip it out. Christina Kann 51:35 Yeah, that's just like so the wrong move. Mary Clay Watt 51:37 You need to get it out of -- maybe not try to rip it out, but pull it out. Jason Hilton 51:40 I don't think she was even aware it was tongue, though. out. Mary Clay Watt 51:43 Yeah, I think that's what it is. Because they're just like, "He's choking on something. Get it out of his mouth." Christina Kann 51:49 Ugh. Okay, so Uncle Vernon and Arthur Weasley start like screaming at each other. Jason Hilton 51:57 It's mostly Vernon screaming. Christina Kann 51:59 Yeah. Mary Clay Watt 52:00 And Arthur's like, "I can fix it if you just let me." Jason Hilton 52:05 But realistically, how can you be calm in this situation at all amd be listening to this dumb ass who blew up in your fireplace and poisoned your son? Mary Clay Watt 52:14 Yeah, I wouldn't necessarily trust him at this point either. Christina Kann 52:18 But the thing is that like magic is the only way that this could just be fixed. You know? I would be like, "Yes, fix this and then you can fuck right off." Jason Hilton 52:27 Yeah. Christina Kann 52:28 But instead, Uncle Vernon starts throwing pieces of china at Mr. Weasley, and Mr. Weasley starts like zapping them out of the air. Jason Hilton 52:38 That my favorite fat-shamey line in this entire chapter is "bellowing like a wounded hippo." "Uncle Vernon snatched up another ornament, bellowing like a wounded hippo." That's a new one. Mary Clay Watt 52:49 Poor hippos. Jason Hilton 52:51 He usually gets called a walrus, so she's diversifying a little bit. These were the magic beasts before they were fantastic. Christina Kann 52:58 So Mr. Weasley yells at Harry to like, just go. So Harry's like, "Yes, I will. I will go." Jason Hilton 53:06 Fair enough. Mary Clay Watt 53:07 Well, he's debating whatever, and then something goes flying right past his head and like smashes. And he's like, "Okay, bye! See you next summer!" Christina Kann 53:19 Yeah, literally. And um, that's that. He deuces. Mary Clay Watt 53:25 That's the end of the chapter. That's it. Should have been combined, I think, with the previous chapter. Christina Kann 53:31 I completely agree. Mary Clay Watt 53:33 Especially cuz this is the book where the chapters really start getting long. I don't know if that's just like her formula of they get longer as the book goes on, and so she doesn't like having long chapters towards the beginning of the book. Christina Kann 53:49 Yeah. We've also talked about different reasons. Maybe some people were starting with this books, since the series was just really starting to get famous when it came out. Or because the other books were so short, they're like, "Okay, don't worry, this is still easy to read," and it's a very slow couple of chapters in the beginning, before gaining momentum really quickly. I totally think that chapters two, three and four should all have been combined into one more concise chapter. Jason Hilton 54:16 Yeah, like a little slightly condensed chapter. Even though, I mean, some of the details are kind of funny, I suppose. But yeah, just want to get to the tournament. Christina Kann 54:27 Let's get to the point! Jason Hilton 54:28 Let's get to the magic Nazis. Mary Clay Watt 54:32 I was even happy to just get to the Burrow, you know? I'll settle for the Burrow. Christina Kann 54:39 It's so bananas that this is called Back to the Burrow and we don't -- Jason Hilton 54:45 It's like Back to the Future. They don't go back to the future until the very, very end. Mary Clay Watt 54:48 The very end, yeah. It's like Desolation of Smaug. Smaug doesn't show up until one hour and 52 minutes. Jason Hilton 54:53 And he doesn't even get desolated until the next movie. Mary Clay Watt 54:56 Oh, don't get me started stupid. I have a full probably combined one hours' worth of content just on that, Jason Hilton 55:09 It really didn't need to be three movies. Mary Clay Watt 55:11 Don't. I literally have an entire thing is so fucking series of episodes dedicated to this issue. Jason Hilton 55:16 No I believe you. Christina Kann 55:20 Hey guys? Hey guys? Christina Kann 55:21 Harry Potter. Christina Kann 55:22 This is actually -- this is the wrong podcast. I don't have anything better to say, though. Does anyone have any final thoughts about this chapter? Jason Hilton 55:31 It was a slightly horrifying, but . . . meh? Christina Kann 55:35 It was definitely stressful. Jason Hilton 55:36 It had the Weasleys, so that's a plus. actual ghost probably 55:38 *mumble mumble* right down the street. Jason Hilton 55:41 Oh are they coming back? Dammit. Christina Kann 55:43 I just like can't get it together. Jason Hilton 55:45 I don't blame you. Christina Kann 55:46 Like, I can't endure the ghost voice. Mary Clay Watt 55:49 This is Jason's blast appearance on the podcast. Jason Hilton 55:55 Sir, can you please get off this line? We're hosting a Harry Potter podcast, we're trying to be serious. Mary Clay Watt 56:02 It's a very serious podcast. Jason Hilton 56:03 It's very professional. Mary Clay Watt 56:05 A third of this episode was definitely not about me killing a fly. Christina Kann 56:12 Alright, any final thoughts about this chapter? Mary Clay Watt 56:15 No. Jason Hilton 56:15 No. Ghost man was more interesting than this chapter. Mary Clay Watt 56:18 I just want to add in for next week that one of my favorite favorite parts is when they walk out into the yard, and Bill and Charlie have the tables floating in the air and they're just banging them against each other, just because. Christina Kann 56:33 Yeah. Jason Hilton 56:33 I was wondering what that picture was about. I was like, "What happens in the next chapter?" I don't read very often. I don't know how to. Mary Clay Watt 56:41 That's the end of the episode. Christina Kann 56:46 No, no, no. Jason Hilton 56:47 All right. Christina Kann 56:48 Let's move on to plugs. I would love to start by plugging our Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can join our Discord community and support the podcast. Mary Clay Watt 57:00 See that picture of the fly! Christina Kann 57:02 Yeah, exactly. And for the $5 month tier, you get bonus episodes. And this month, we covered My Immortal, the fanfic and its lore. So that was incredibly fun. That was like the most fun I've had -- I love our bonus episodes. So I definitely recommend signing up for our Patreon. Link is in the show notes. Jason, thank you so much for joining us. Where can people find you on the internet? Jason Hilton 57:30 You can find me on Instagram @picturesofjay and Twitter @picturesofjay90. And you can find all of us at the Movie Night Crew Podcast, where every Sunday we review a different movie. So if you want to hear Tina and Haley and Brooke talk about anything that's not Harry Potter, then you can come, and we talk about a lot of different types of movies. We all just bring in our collective tastes and suggestions and force our friends to watch what we like. And sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, snd sometimes it's really funny. Not to burst my own bubble, but -- wait, that's not the right phrase. Not to toot -- Christina Kann 58:20 Toot your own horn. Jason Hilton 58:21 Not to toot my own horn, but some episodes have been pretty good so far. I don't know how to advertise myself, by the way. Christina Kann 58:29 You're doing great. Mary Clay Watt 58:30 You did a great job. Jason Hilton 58:30 But something to plug that's not my podcast. If you have HBO Max, I would recommend watching a show called At Home with Amy Sedaris. Do you guys -- are you familiar with that particular comedian? Mary Clay Watt 58:43 No. Jason Hilton 58:44 It's like a fake cooking show, but it's like an old-fashioned cooking show from like the 1960s where they teach you how to do everything, but it's like, lame crafts and stuff. It's kind of a sketch show, but Amy Sedaris is really funny. She's a really funny comedian. If you watch Bojack Horseman, she plays the cat manager, that voice. Christina Kann 59:09 Princess Carolyn! Jason Hilton 59:11 Yeah, so that's her. She just pretends to be this person whose basically entire life is to do this, this cooking show or this home network show, and it's so old-fashioned. She's got a funny accent. She does multiple characters. It's really bizarre sometimes. If you like, kind of like Adult Swim humor sometimes, it's pretty funny. So if you can get HBO Max, there's three seasons of it. And it's a it's a funny sketch show. So that's my plug: At Home with Amy Sedaris. Christina Kann 59:40 Hell yeah. Thank you so much. That's linked in the show notes. Mary Clay, there you are. Where can people find you on the internet? Mary Clay Watt 59:47 Yeah, you can listen to That's What I'm Tolkien About wherever you get podcasts. Right now, I'm covering the Hobbit movies. You can follow me on Instagram @mc -- what? What is Instagram handle? Follow me on Instagram @meturndownforwhat and you can follow me on Twitter @mcwattsup. And it's funny you mentioned Bojack because that's what I was gonna plug. I watched Bojack for the first time this summer. I watched the first couple episodes years ago, and I was like, "I am not into this. I'm not feeling this." And then this summer, I was like, "I need to stop watching this same three shows over and over again. I'm going to force myself to watch a new show," and it was Bojack. I finished it and was like, "That was a damn good show. That was really, really excellent. That was amazing." So if you have not watched Bojack, definitely give the first season a try. Power through; it kind of takes a couple episodes to get into the world, get into the characters, and get some of the quippy humor, and also get familiar with the the depressing feelings that you'll get in touch with throughout the season. Jason Hilton 1:01:13 That is a good post-2020 show. Christina Kann 1:01:17 I've been your host Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann. You can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. I would like to recommend that everyone watch The Way of the House Husband on Netflix. Haley plugged it several months ago, and it's a very silly little anime about this gangster-turned-house-husband who handles all of his housekeeping duties with the same intensity that he handled like, gang activities, like mob activities. And it's very hilarious. They're short little episodes that have like -- they're like bite size; they're not very much substance. But like, fun to watch, you know? Dope! Well Jason, thank you so much for joining us for this most silliest of episodes. Jason Hilton 1:02:11 Thanks for having me on again. Christina Kann 1:02:12 Yes. And Mary Clay, there you are. I'm so glad to have you back. Mary Clay Watt 1:02:17 Hi, I'm here with the remains of the fly sitting next to me still. Christina Kann 1:02:23 Alright gang, I gotta go finish reading "The Floo and You: Hooking Your Home to the Floo Network" before this book starts throwing china at me. Bye! Mary Clay Watt 1:02:36 Bye! Jason Hilton 1:02:36 That was great. Christina Kann 1:02:39 The Restricted Section is a member of the Movie Night Crew Network, which features other amazing podcasts such as its namesake, Movie Night Crew, which is an extra chaotic podcast featuring the gang just shooting the shit about whatever movie they just watched. trailer 1:02:52 All righty. It's movie night. Grab your popcorn, grab your coffee. Grab your friend. Grab a cat. And let's go! Who directed this? What year did it come out? Is that that girl from that show? Who wrote this? Was the cat? Who would you rather bang? Does this pass the Bechdel test? What about the Steve Buscemi test? Does a woman literally speak in this movie? Oh my god a dog. This reminds me of in Harry Potter. When Are we recording? What are the critics say? It's a guilty pleasure. What's your rating? Can you be quiet? Oh my god. Movie Night Crew. It's just like watching movies with your friends and then arguing about it after. Every Sunday wherever you get podcasts. Christina Kann 1:03:49 The Restricted Section was created by me, Christina Kann, based on the book series by JK Rowling. All music by Ryan Kann. Logo by Michael Hardison. Support us on patreon.com/restrictedsection. For as little as $1 a month, you can gain access to our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be, and there are other rewards as well, such as bonus episodes and Zoom happy hour hangouts. Be sure to follow us on Instagram @restrictedsectionpod, on Twitter @restrictedpod, and on Facebook @restrictedsectionpod. Also feel free to shoot us an email at restrictedsectionpod@gmail.com to share your thoughts, feelings, complaints, conspiracy theories, or even lavish praise. Christina Kann 1:04:36 Alright, cool, well 1-2-3 byeee. all 1:04:51 Bye!!!
​SPEAKERS
Cari, Lelia Hilton, trailer, Christina Kann Christina Kann 00:02 "He held up the envelope in which Mrs. Weasley's letter had come, and Harry had to fight down a laugh. Every bit of it was covered in stamps, except for a square inch on the front, into which Mrs. Weasley had squeezed the Dursleys' address in minute handwriting." Christina Kann 00:37 What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way that the story in its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thank you so much for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry. We did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today. Christina Kann 00:57 Chapter Three: The Invitation. During breakfast one day, the text's extremely heavy-handed and deplorable fat-shaming is interrupted when Uncle Vernon gets some unusual mail. He brings Harry into the living room to share that Mrs. Weasley has sent a letter asking if Harry can join the Weasleys at the Quidditch World Cup. She has also included approximately 1 million stamps on the envelope because she doesn't know how Muggle mail works, okay? So Harry and Vernon go back and forth a little bit, and finally Harry uses his only leverage to get his way by threatening to write to Sirius Black who the Dursleys think is just an actual escaped guilty convicted murderer who is related to Harry. So yeah, so go Harry well done. Christina Kann 01:43 Welcome to The Restricted Section, where using too many stamps is literally as bad as murder, you stinking witch! I am tickled pink to be joined today by my most euphonious friend Leila. Say hello to the listeners, Lelia. Lelia Hilton 02:02 *singing* Hello to the listeners, Lelia. Christina Kann 02:05 Oh my god, she knows what euphonious means. Lelia Hilton 02:07 Of course! Christina Kann 02:09 I literally googled "word that means good at singing." Lelia Hilton 02:13 I could have not known what it meant but I just sing everything -- but yeah, I knew what it meant. Christina Kann 02:17 Well, it's also like euphoric plus like phonetic? Mmm -- moving on. And I am so delighted that our special guest this week is Cari, co-host of Curly Critics over on WBNE. Say hello to the listeners, Cari. Cari 02:33 Hi. I'm so excited to be here. I also did not know what that word meant that you said. Christina Kann 02:38 Euphonious? Cari 02:40 Yeah, I had no idea. Christina Kann 02:41 Me neither. I had to Google a word good enough to describe Lelia. Lelia Hilton 02:47 Please, do go on. Christina Kann 02:50 So Cari, can you please tell the listeners what your podcast is all about? Cari 02:56 Yeah, me and my best friend, Jade, have a podcast where we review things: books, movies, TV shows. Right now, we're going through the Harry Potter books. Christina Kann 03:05 I was gonna say, they do cover some topics that you might be interested in, dear listener. Cari 03:10 We're on book six right now, but our lives got really busy. So we're having to slow down. But that's the goal. Christina Kann 03:16 Pacing yourself through the Harry Potter books is such a challenge. Cari 03:21 Yeah. Christina Kann 03:22 I mean, y'all like Harry Potter. That's why you're here. I definitely recommend following them on Twitter because they're tweeting some pretty choice Harry Potter takes right now. Cari 03:32 I'm just full of them all the time. Christina Kann 03:34 So what is your Harry Potter history? When did you start reading the books? When did you watch the movie? Like what's going on? Cari 03:42 Yeah, so I wasn't allowed to read them growing up, but all of my friends were. So finally I convinced my mom to let me read them when I was like 12. And I read all seven of them in seven days. Christina Kann 03:56 Oh my god. That's like how the world was created. Cari 04:02 I watched the first movie after the first book. Like I finished the first book and then immediately watched the first movie. And then I was like, "I cannot do this again." I just spent the whole movie being like, these are the things that are different. So after I read all of them, I watched all the movies. Christina Kann 04:14 Right. It's good to have closure on the book series so you can enjoy the films as a totally separate thing. Yeah, getting too into the film discourse is rough because in the end, no matter what your complaints are, I'm gonna watch them. Cari 04:32 It's true. Christina Kann 04:32 I really enjoy them. But if we're gonna start taking notes, yes, I do have a pretty comprehensive list. Lelia Hilton 04:40 I feel like, Tina, when the books came out, we were around the same age as the main characters. I don't know, Cari, I'm not sure how old you are. We don't have to talk about it. It's fine. Cari 04:52 Much younger than you. Christina Kann 04:55 I read the original trilogy when they first came out, and I was eight years old. Lelia Hilton 05:00 Yeah. And I feel like when the movies came out, I was not thinking logically like, "I must finish every book." No, I was just like, I love thing. Thing comes out that I like. Let's watch thing related to thing. Christina Kann 05:13 Yeah. Lelia Hilton 05:14 I remember loving it. I was like, "They captured every detail." Christina Kann 05:18 I do remember having great anxiety before every movie and coming out always generally relieved, you know? Generally like, "Okay, all right. No, that feels good. I feel good about that." Lelia Hilton 05:29 Yeah, I think the only one I didn't feel that way about was the Order the Phoenix, obviously, but I didn't like the book that much either. Definitely Hallows Part -- Which one of the parts was better than the other? Christina Kann 05:44 Okay, well, I'm gonna need some clarification on that. Lelia Hilton 05:47 You cannot have it. Christina Kann 05:50 So Cari, if you had to sort yourself, what Hogwarts house are you? Cari 05:55 Ravenclaw. Christina Kann 05:57 Okay, we tend to get a lot of Ravenclaws on the show. Don't know why. I guess they like talking about books. What part of the whole Ravenclaw persona do you relate with? Cari 06:07 I really love knowledge, love learning. I'm getting my master's right now, so I'm just like, all the school. I just love learning. And I don't like less is really like learning for the application use of it, which is more of a Slytherin thing, getting knowledge and then using it. I'm just like, I want to know things, which is why I think I'm more Ravenclaw than Slytherin. Christina Kann 06:32 Yes, it's the pursuit of knowledge for knowledge's sake. Cari 06:36 Yes. Christina Kann 06:37 That's beautiful. I love it. We could do with a little bit more of that perhaos in this book series. So this chapter, what are we doing? It is chapter three of Goblet of Fire, The Invitation. I know I've said this in last week's episode, but it really is so bananas how stupid these first couple of chapters are, considering some of the chapters that happen later in this book that are just so dense. Lelia Hilton 07:05 So dense. Yeah, I just finished rereading this actually on Sunday. It took me a long time to get through, which was surprising to me, because I feel like as a kid I ripped right through it. Christina Kann 07:17 It is 735 pages. Lelia Hilton 07:19 Yeah, but but Cari read it in a day. Cari 07:22 No, I cannot do that now. It took me like two weeks to read Goblet of Fire and Order the Phoenix when I did them recently. And I was just like, "How did I do this as a child?" Lelia Hilton 07:33 How did we? Because I just ripped right through it as well. Christina Kann 07:36 I am totally with you. I used to read them in like a day. I think part of it is just like a genuine -- not just not having responsibilities as a child, but even furthermore, knowing that there's no weight of the world on you. There's no "I could be doing dishes." It's like, "I am eight years old. And I just all I have to do is read right now." Lelia Hilton 08:02 Yeah, there's nothing else. You have no other responsibilities. Christina Kann 08:06 Because honestly, I have been able to read a lot better recently than ever before. And it's because I have the kind of job where you just kind of hang out. And so it takes me kind of back to the good old days where I'm like, "Wow, there's actually kind of nothing else I could be doing right now. Like I'm not home. I can't be doing dishes. I'll just read 400 pages of Harry Potter." Cari 08:28 Wow, I want that job. Christina Kann 08:32 I mean, a Ravenclaw wouldn't be happy in this job for sure. It is not intellectually stimulating. But I have a good time. So it is morning time at the Dursleys' house. We get some pretty strong fat-shaming about Dudley like right away. It's not subtle. I think it's pretty uncomfortable. What do you guys think? Cari 08:59 Oh, I don't like it. Lelia Hilton 09:00 Yeah, it's never been something that I appreciated. I think I thought maybe thought it was funny as a kid the first time she made a fat joke, like maybe the first time. Christina Kann 09:11 Yeah. Lelia Hilton 09:11 But then she doesn't -- like she just can't -- Honestly, try to find one sentence about them that doesn't have some kind of fat or hog-shaped or whatever. Christina Kann 09:22 Yeah Lelia Hilton 09:22 There's not one there are other qualities and people even if they're despicable, you know? Cari 09:27 Yeah. In this, it goes on for like two, three pages of just talking about how fat Dudley is. Lelia Hilton 09:32 How fat is he? Christina Kann 09:34 Yeah, on a narrative level, almost every time she mentions Dudley, she mentions how fat he is. But then also, the plot right now, this chapter, starts with us talking about how he's on a diet. Lelia Hilton 09:48 A diet, yeah. Christina Kann 09:49 Because his school nurse has raised concerns, which is super valid, but it's a health concern. Like, I can't imagine a writer making jokes to this extent about hypertension, or diabetes, or some other chronic health concern. Cari 10:06 Just the diet itself makes me uncomfortable. This kid is so used to eating so much food and you're giving him like a quarter of a grapefruit. That's not enough food to sustain somebody. Christina Kann 10:17 It's definitely not enough food. And then also, from what I understand from nutritional science, totally depriving yourself of stuff just make stronger cravings cuz it's like, "Wow, I get nothing now." Lelia Hilton 10:31 I don't think that's how diets work. I think we can all -- we all have kind of -- at least I've definitely been up and down the road with diets. Christina Kann 10:38 Wow. Same. That's exactly how I would describe it. Lelia Hilton 10:40 What is it -- What did Golden Girls? -- *singing* Goin' down the road and back again. */singing* With diets. Christina Kann 10:48 So euphonius. Lelia Hilton 10:49 Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank "eu." E U. Christina Kann 10:55 Thank you, phony. Lelia Hilton 10:56 Thank you, phony. Us! Okay. Oh, God. Okay, I did diets before, but one thing that you never do, you always think like, "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna wake up tomorrow, and I'm gonna make myself for breakfast a smoothie." And you're like, "That goes really good." You're like, "I like smoothies. This is yummy." Lunch. "I'm gonna have a kale salad with chicken on it. Okay, like I meal prepped this, I can handle it." And then dinner comes, and you're like, "I'll have chicken and brown rice." And you're like, "I just absolutely will not do that." Or if you do that, you end up -- I would end up eating like a full two sleeves of Oreos. Christina Kann 11:40 Like, it's fine, because I had this healthy dinner. Yeah, for sure. It's really just the way that this woman correlates the fatness with -- it's like so obviously supposed to be painting him as a bad person. Lelia Hilton 11:58 Yeah, it's like fat is bad. Christina Kann 12:00 Yeah. And it's like, he can be a really shitty person and fat in a way that is like, not related. Lelia Hilton 12:08 Yeah. And I don't know if it's just HER?? I listened to last week's episode. Or if it's like a thing in England, like if body conscious stuff and maybe like curve culture and stuff like that was never . . . I don't know. I just feel like it's really a lot. It's just so much to correlate, like "This is an evil family and look how fucking fat they are." That's like, kind of the tone I get from her. I don't know. I guess we're supposed to hate them. Christina Kann 12:46 Yeah, it kind of feels just so old-school to me, the way that old-timey like superstitions are like "Oh, well God's cursing them with fatness for being evil." Lelia Hilton 12:59 Yeah. Oh, man. Christina Kann 13:04 For some reason in my notes I wrote several specific quotes that I simply will not read, but they all end with WTF in all capitals. So everyone in the family has to be on the same diet as Dudley. So everyone gets -- this is so ridiculous -- a grapefruit quarter per person. Like at least let everyone have their own grapefruit. Come on. Lelia Hilton 13:30 Yeah, it's a fruit. It's not even sweet fruit. Christina Kann 13:33 It's like not even good fruit. It's like the punishment fruit. Do you guys like grapefruit? Lelia Hilton 13:39 No. Cari 13:39 No. Lelia Hilton 13:40 I like grapefruit flavored things. Christina Kann 13:42 Yeah, me too! Oh my god. The pamplemousse La Croix is my favorite. Lelia Hilton 13:46 I do love me some pample. Christina Kann 13:48 Or like a pomona. Lelia Hilton 13:49 Ooh, what's that? I've had that before. Christina Kann 13:51 It's a margarita but with grapefruit juice. Lelia Hilton 13:54 Yeah, I love those. Christina Kann 13:56 Oh, yeah. Wow, I forgot to confess that I broke the cardinal sin of The Restricted Section and I drank margaritas before recording. We've run into trouble with that before, but I think I'm holding it together pretty well. Lelia Hilton 14:10 Where did you go? Did you go to that awesome little restaurant that's near you? Christina Kann 14:15 Yes. Panchos. Lelia Hilton 14:18 Oh, that's a different one. Like Pancho Villa? Christina Kann 14:20 Are you talking about a little Mexico? Lelia Hilton 14:23 No, Christina Kann 14:24 There's a lot of Mexican restaurants. Are you talking about the Annex? Lelia Hilton 14:27 No. Christina Kann 14:30 Then I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Lelia Hilton 14:31 It's like one that you that makes good margs and you and Haley go all the time. Christina Kann 14:35 Um, Little Mexico? Lelia Hilton 14:36 Okay, yeah. Christina Kann 14:37 This is not great content. Our listeners mostly don't live here. Cari definitely doesn't live here. That'd be surprising. Cari 14:44 Nope. Lelia Hilton 14:44 Sorry, Cari. Christina Kann 14:46 Um, yeah. Wow. So Harry is a skinny kid. So his privilege as a skinny kid is that he has a whole stash of sweets upstairs that he got his friends to send him, and he just gets to eat it all. Because he's skinny, and he's the good guy. Lelia Hilton 15:02 Yeah. Cari 15:03 Wow. Lelia Hilton 15:04 And he's a most unusual boy! Christina Kann 15:13 I just feel like it's all an extension of the setup from the last episode. But finally we're about to get to the action because the doorbell rings. Cari 15:24 Yay. Christina Kann 15:26 Yay indeed. Uncle Vernon answers it, and it's the mailman being like, "Dude, look at this funny letter. Remember, three years ago, when those letters were like attacking you? And like there was owls sending them through your chimney and they were rolled up in the egg cartons or whatever?" Just kidding. The mailman probably didn't know about that. But I do feel like Vernon has mail trauma. Lelia Hilton 15:52 Oh, for sure. Cari 15:53 I feel like the Dursleys are so like, "We have to make sure that we look properly and we don't say the wrong thing." But I feel like none of their neighbors care. Christina Kann 16:01 Wow. Cari 16:03 Like, the craziest things could happen. And then the Dursleys would just be like, "Oh, no, people are gonna find out!" And their neighbors are just like, "Oh. Okay. Owls." Christina Kann 16:12 It has literally never occurred to me before that the neighbors might not care. Lelia Hilton 16:17 Me neither. I'm like "They must because the Dursleys are so concerned." Christina Kann 16:21 Yeah, yes, exactly. Like, wow, that's my new headcanon, that they're just surrounded by like college students and like, no one gives a shit. Lelia Hilton 16:30 They're just whatever, man. Christina Kann 16:33 Wow, that would be very funny. Um, okay, so Uncle Vernon is grumpy now, because of the mail, and he takes Harry into the living room. He reads this letter to Harry. And it's Mrs. Weasley writing to Uncle Vernon very politely to ask if Harry can come visit them and go to the Quidditch World Cup. A couple of things: I probably would have written earlier in the summer. Because it's just like a week away. Right? Or no, it's like, a day away. Cari 17:12 Yeah, day away. Christina Kann 17:13 She has no idea how long Muggle mail takes. Um, so yeah, I probably would have started at the beginning of the summer asking permission, believing that it would have taken some convincing, you know? Cari 17:27 Yes. Lelia Hilton 17:28 Yeah. Cari 17:29 I mean, they're gonna come anyway. So. Lelia Hilton 17:31 Yeah, well, I don't think there's anything that they could have done to make the Dursleys be like, "You know what? He does deserve this. She said it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Like, heck, let's get little Harry go." Like, that's just not happening. Christina Kann 17:50 It's very cute. Um, the letter is absolutely covered in stamps. She had to go to the Muggle post office to mail this anyway. Why not just go into the postmaster of Ottery St. Catchpole and ask how to put a stamp on a letter? Christina Kann 17:54 At the end of the letter, she says "I do hope we've put enough stamps on," and like, she did. Lelia Hilton 18:00 It's pretty cute. Cari 18:19 She spends so much money on stamps. Stamps aren't cheap! Christina Kann 18:24 Wow, I wonder how many stamps like that would be. probably like 30 stamps... times.... How much do stamps costs? Wait, I'm gonna refer to my stamps. Um, my stamps, just say "forever." Okay, that's useless, dammit. If only there was a math person here. Oh, well, moving on. Lelia Hilton 18:46 It's funny because they did it to like, be -- they're like, "We must be inconspicuous!" You know? Like, "If I went in there and ask the postmaster, what's his face, how does one apply a stamp?" She was like, "They're going to know! They're gonna know something's off with us. They're gonna find my family." She has a lot at stake. So she's like, "Let's just like -- we know stamps are involved somehow. Let's just cover the sucker. Then the no one will think anything's out of the out of the ordinary." Cari 19:18 If anything, she just made a lot of people's days because everybody who held that letter was like, "Wow, this is funny." Lelia Hilton 19:26 It's true. Christina Kann 19:28 I have mailed things to our friends like Mats in Norway, and I feel like Molly Weasley when I'm stamping up those envelopes. I'm like, "Okay, this needs like $5 of stamps to get to Norway." That is very valid that Molly, I'm sure, wants to stay on the DL. But for what it's worth, Molly, my boss asked me literally last week how to prepare an envelope to be mailed. He genuinely had no idea; it was very endearing and ridiculous. Okay, so there's like considerable back and forth between Harry and Vernon. Harry is full sass. Cari 20:14 I love that for him. Lelia Hilton 20:16 Yes, me too. Christina Kann 20:20 Honestly, Daniel Radcliffe made Harry too... uh... Lelia Hilton 20:26 Passive? Christina Kann 20:28 I was gonna say "placid," right? What does mean? Lelia Hilton 20:31 Flacid? Christina Kann 20:32 No! Not flacid! Define placid -- with a p! It means "not easily upset or excited." Yes, it's the word I was looking for. He's just very milquetoast in the films. But little Harry's so sassy in these books. Lelia Hilton 20:54 He is. Christina Kann 20:55 And finally he uses Sirius Black as a threat. So Vernon gives him permission, because he's like, "You have a convict godfather. And that is alarming to me." Lelia Hilton 21:10 I mean, at least he has something he can use to get basic necessities or not be killed. Cari 21:20 I feel like nothing makes Sirius happier than knowing that he's being used as blackmail against Harry's aunt and uncle. Molly's letter talks about like, "I'm sure Harry's told you about this." Does she just not know that Harry has a horrible home life with the Dursleys? Like I feel like she should know that. Lelia Hilton 21:41 Does he ever get into it with them? I can tell by her behavior -- well, no, that's because of what happens later in this chapter. No. I mean, I feel like Harry hasn't said anything. Cari 21:51 But in Chamber of Secrets, they literally came and rescued him. So Ron at least knows what's going on. Christina Kann 21:57 I think Ron knows what's going on. I think he probably doesn't realize this is textbook abuse and other adults should be intervening, because Ron is a little dense. So I feel like Molly has only gathered some of it, but also, she's not in a good position to do anything other than wait for something bad to happen. You know what I mean? Lelia Hilton 22:22 Yeah. Christina Kann 22:23 It's a bad position to be in. And honestly, if I were in Molly Weasley's position, I would probably misbehave more about it. If a child that I loved was getting abused, I'd go murder somebody. Cari 22:36 Or at least break him out every summer. Lelia Hilton 22:39 Yeah, be like "We know you hate him. We invite Harry to stay with us every summer." Christina Kann 22:45 Here's the thing: Dumbledore insists that for the love magic, okay to like, carry on-- Cari 22:53 I hate it. Christina Kann 22:54 Yeah. Harry has to go home every summer. He has to go be with blood every summer. Cari 23:02 Yeah but for how long? Christina Kann 23:04 Exactly! "Can I just shake her hand and be on my way?" like, Why does he have to be there all summer? Cari 23:12 But then he doesn't. Later on, he's there for like two weeks and then he leaves. Christina Kann 23:17 Yes! Why isn't there some alternative? But it's like, "Oh, we just have to trust Dumbledore because he said this is how it has to go." Cari 23:29 Never trust Dumbledore. Christina Kann 23:32 Absolutely not. I was out of town at a wedding this last weekend, so I was staying at a hotel, and I got cable for the first time in like five years. Obviously, they were doing a Harry Potter marathon, because that's what cable does. Lelia Hilton 23:49 Yes. Christina Kann 23:50 And I was getting ready for this wedding, so I was watching it so half-assedly. And it was books six and seven. And it was so dramatic, so intense. Sean -- bless his heart -- my husband, Sean, was asking me these questions. And I was like, "I certainly don't have the time to get into this right now." He was being like, "Wait, but Snape is really a bad guy. Right? And they they didn't know all along?" And I'm like, "I can't even begin to engage in this philosophical discussion with you. I'm curling my hair." Cari 24:29 It depends on how you define a "bad guy." Christina Kann 24:31 Exactly. That's exactly why I don't casually watch movies six through eight. I either have to watch them the way that I watch Hamilton, with like, my entire soul. Or not at all. I can't just be casually watching the later movies. Lelia Hilton 24:54 Well, yeah, they're so heavy. I remember I was at the beach with my family. I was at the Outer Banks with my family one year when Deathly Hallows Part One came out. I went to go see that with my cousin who's five years younger than me, and she was like "You guys are so into this Harry Potter! Maybe I'll start!" And she started with Deathly Hallows Part 1. For whatever reason I was like, "Hell yeah! You'll love it!" and on the way there I'm like, "So this is what happens until then." Christina Kann 25:29 Oh my god! That is simply not the recommended path. Lelia Hilton 25:32 No. She was like, "Are you crying?" I was like "Yes!" Christina Kann 25:38 You reminded me -- this is not entirely related -- but you reminded me that I have this traumatic memory of also watching a movie with family at the Outer Banks. I have a pretty lame uncle, and he was like pretty drunk at the Outer Banks while we were watching Catching Fire. It might have been the first time I had ever seen it, or maybe it was my first time since it had been in theaters, but I was very engaged and watching it so intensely, and the whole room was just quiet and watching Catching Fire. Except for my drunk-ass uncle kept being like, "Wait, wait, wait, is that Jennifer Lawrence?" He asked it like 15 times out the movie. "Wait, wait, wait, who? Wait, what is she doing?" Through the whole movie! "Can you just yeah, go drink your Red Stripes somewhere else?" Christina Kann 26:31 Okay. Wow, where even Where are we? Harry is like skipping happily up to his room. Hedwig is back. She wasn't there in the last chapter. The last chapter had absolutely nothing going on in it, including Hedwig wasn't even there. Pig--Pigwidgeon -- Ooh, I've never said that one a lot before. Pidwidgeon? Cari 26:58 That sounds right. Lelia Hilton 26:59 Yeah. Because they call him Pig, right? Christina Kann 27:01 Yeah, Pig. That's a really cute name for like a tiny little owl. Lelia Hilton 27:05 It is! Christina Kann 27:07 A cat named Pig would be really cute. Lelia Hilton 27:11 But it would have to be a skinny cat because if it was fat then that you would just be like HER?? Cari 27:17 It would be an evil cat. Christina Kann 27:23 My adorable chubby cat Penny, I think, would be an adorable Pig. Lelia Hilton 27:27 She would. She's not like chonk. Christina Kann 27:30 She's not morbidly obese, but she's definitely a lump if I've ever seen one. Christina Kann 27:36 Yeah, a little potate. Christina Kann 27:37 Yeah, a potate. A tater tot. So Pigwidgeon is there with a follow up letter from Ron. I really think they waited a week for a response and they didn't hear one because they hadn't even gotten the letter yet because Muggle mail is slow. So I think he was like, "Well, it's been a while. I might as well send a follow up letter." Cari 28:00 But the letter also makes it seem like he wrote that as soon as they got the tickets. Christina Kann 28:04 Oh, yeah, no, you're right. Cari 28:05 I read it and I was like, "How fast is the Muggle mail?" Or maybe it's just how slow Pig is. Christina Kann 28:13 He tries so hard. I love him. He's one of my favorite characters, I think. I just love people who try so hard. But they're in the country. I feel like Muggle mail couldn't go that fast. Lelia Hilton 28:28 Yeah, no, absolutely not. That was a little bit of a bloop. A little bit of a blooper. Bloop her. Christina Kann 28:39 That one was rough, but I laughed heartily at it, so I guess it was good. Lelia Hilton 28:44 Thank you. Christina Kann 28:45 So Ron makes it clear that they're planning to come get Harry on Sunday no matter what. Cari 28:52 Excellent. Christina Kann 28:56 There's not a lot going on in this chapter. I'm trying to stretch it out. Well, so this is kidnapped. This is like a planned kidnap. Cari 29:07 Is it kidnapping if Harry goes willingly? Christina Kann 29:10 I think technically yes if his guardians say no. Cari 29:15 Well, they said yes. So it's fine. Christina Kann 29:16 Yes, indeed. It's silly that they don't even mention how they're going to come get him. And also Harry doesn't wonder how they're going to come get them. Lelia Hilton 29:29 Oh, sorry. I accidentally started reading it again. Cari 29:34 Is this the one where they come through the fireplace in the next chapter? That would have been important to know. You probably should have mentioned that. Christina Kann 29:42 I guess they just like can't fathom a home without an actual ongoing fire in the hearth at all times in case Amos Diggory needs to drop by to talk about Mad-Eye Moody or whatever. Lelia Hilton 29:55 Right. Cari 29:56 The Floo Network feels like such a invasion of privacy all the time. Lelia Hilton 30:00 Yeah, that's fucked up. Cari 30:02 It's not like somebody's knocking at your door. They just show up. Christina Kann 30:06 Yeah, I wonder if there's any security in the Floo Network, if there's anything to be done if you don't wish for visitors. Or can you like block someone? Lelia Hilton 30:19 I think you would just have to block everyone or have it open for everyone. I think those are your only two options. Cari 30:26 So don't make any enemies. Lelia Hilton 30:28 Yeah, not even one. Cari 30:32 Or just don't have friends, if you have an enemy. Christina Kann 30:35 It just would be such a nightmare in the Weasley household, for example, because they would need to have it on because he has a ministry job. And they have a lot of things going on. They would need to always let people come in. But there's so much going on that someone could just straight come into your home and it might be that no one notices, you know? Lelia Hilton 30:54 Yeah. Cari 30:57 That's the real reason Harry has to stay at the Dursleys', because they don't have working Floo Network, so Voldemort just can't come in and kill Harry in his home. Christina Kann 31:06 Oh my god. Wait a goddamn second. I mean, like what, in later books, prevents Voldemort from just stepping into the Floo Network and stepping out in your living room and murdering you? And then stepping back into the fireplace? I'm so confused! Lelia Hilton 31:24 That's a pretty big -- that's a pretty big hole there. Christina Kann 31:28 Wow. Wow, what do I even do with this information? Voldemort, I got a plan for you. Okay, great. So Ron's like "Yeah, we're coming to get you. Don't even worry about it. Hermione is coming and I invited her first, it's no big deal. Don't read into that." Hermione spends a lot of time at the Weasleys' considering that she is an only child who got like swept away into this world of like magic. I feel like my parents never would have permitted that. Cari 32:09 No, not for that amount of time. You don't see her for the entire year, and then she comes home for like two weeks in the summer, and then is like, "I have to go again." And she's lying to them because there's no way she's actually telling them what's happening. Lelia Hilton 32:21 Yeah. How does that work with Hermione's parents? Do they know she's a wizard? A witch? Sorry. Christina Kann 32:29 Yes, they do. They I mean, I think you need parental consent -- god, I hope so. But also, we saw her parents in Diagon Alley in Prisoner of Azkaban. Lelia Hilton 32:41 Oh, yeah. Christina Kann 32:41 So they definitely know. I think that Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, possibly wined and dined Mr. and Mrs. Granger, and were like, "Hey, our kids are friends. I know this must be hard for you. We're here to answer any questions." I like to think that there's a friendship there that we just don't get to see. Cari 33:02 That would be nicer than Hermione doesn't tell them anything that happens at school and just comes up with excuses every summer to leave. Christina Kann 33:08 Yes. Cari 33:10 Although, there's no way she's telling the truth, because then she'd have to come home and be like, "Oh, yeah, my friend Harry almost died because Voldemort was growing on the back of this guy's head." Christina Kann 33:19 Oh, THAT truth. Surely she doesn't tell them all that. "Wow, all of my teachers are trying to kill everybody. There was a werewolf." Cari 33:29 "I spent like two months petrified." Lelia Hilton 33:33 Oh, my God. Yeah. Christina Kann 33:35 Wow, I actually completely forgot about that. And we talked about that a lot at the time, when we covered it on the pod, like, the parents aren't being informed. What if someone else has mandrake potion? Just ready? and we don't even have to wait for the mandrakes to grow? Lelia Hilton 33:57 Like someone in the ministry. Christina Kann 33:58 Yeah. Like literally anyone. Maybe they grow in the wild. Whatever. Okay, we can't do this. Lelia Hilton 34:05 We're past that book. Christina Kann 34:06 We're reading Ron's letter. Basically, the only other thing Ron says is that Percy has started a job with the Ministry of Magic. And Ron is like, "Please literally don't even mention it because I cannot stand to hear him speak of it." Lelia Hilton 34:21 Yeah, they're so mean to Percy. Christina Kann 34:24 Percy is a gigantic prick. Lelia Hilton 34:27 Yeah, I know. Cari 34:28 But they don't help the situation. It was almost inevitable with how they treat him. Lelia Hilton 34:33 Exactly. How is he not supposed to act like what they project him to be? Cari 34:38 He's also the only sibling to not have a partner. Lelia Hilton 34:41 Yeah, it's so sad. Cari 34:43 So he's just like on his own. Lelia Hilton 34:45 Well, Ginny. Well, she's a girl, so she doesn't count. Cari 34:49 But Ginny and Ron are close enough in age that they can hang out together. Lelia Hilton 34:53 Yeah, yeah, you're right. Christina Kann 34:56 Yeah. Aw, that is a little tragic. But also, be a better friend and maybe you'll have better friends. Whatever happened to Penelope Clearwater? Percy and Penelope Clearwater is like a thing in Chamber of Secrets right because Ginny saw the making out or whatever. Cari 35:17 *suggestively* Or whatever. Christina Kann 35:21 And then in Prisoner of Azkaban, we were wondering on the pod, did he dump Penelope Clearwater so he can focus on being Head Boy and getting all his NEWTs or whatever? But she popped up again. But I think in this book, finally, he has fully ditched her to pursue his career because we don't hear about her again. Cari 35:44 Poor Penelope. Maybe she ditched him. Christina Kann 35:49 Wow, I wonder if Harry Potter dot wiki dot whatever has a career listed for her? Oh my god, I read this wrong. Oh my god. I'm skimming through Penelope Clearwaters' page, and I read it wrong. It says, "Sadly, she did not end up marrying her Hogwarts boyfriend, as Percy eventually married a woman named Audrey and had two children with her." But I read it as "Penelope did not end up marrying Percy because she eventually married a woman named Audrey and had two children with her," and I was like WHAT? RIP, that did not happen. It doesn't have a career listed for her. Oh, well. She surely ditched him. Lelia Hilton 35:50 I feel like that's more likely. Cari 36:34 She's very successful. Lelia Hilton 36:40 Yeah. Christina Kann 36:42 Like many a high school relationship ends, she probably was like, "You should grow up a little bit. Call me later when that happens." I think that some of these characters are so serviced by the films. Obviously we've talked at length about how Snape is like -- Alan Rickman does so much for that character. But some characters, the films -- kind of like we were talking about with Harry -- it takes some layers away. And I think Percy was one of those people that the films turned into just like a straight-up caricature. He has next to no lines. He pretty much only matters in the first movie because he's like "First years, this way!" or whatever. And he has such an arc in the books. I wish we could see more of Percy. You know what I want? I want to see Percy hanging out with Bill and Charlie and no one else. Like what is going on there? Because when they go to the Quidditch World Cup, the kids and Arthur go ahead, and Percy, Bill, and Charlie can Apparate so they come later. And what are they talking about while they're hanging out the three of them? Cari 38:01 I feel like Percy would be really quiet around them. Because Bill and Charlie are big personality, really cool guys, and then there's Percy. Christina Kann 38:09 I feel like they're nice to him but maybe a lot for him. Lelia Hilton 38:15 Or he is a lot for them. Christina Kann 38:22 I totally agree. I don't think he would act the same way when these two people, I think, more than anyone, see you exactly for what you are. I don't think there's nearly as much bragging and grandiose -- Percy the Prefect. So anyway, he works at the Ministry. Don't mention it. Harry sends his little RSVP back to Ron. And he adds a little addendum to his letter to Sirius Black. He's like, "If you want to contact me, I'll be at Ron's house." Not that -- I mean, these magical birds can find Sirius just like vaguely south, so I'm sure they can find Harry at Ron's house. Cari 39:09 I've always wondered about that. How the birds know where to go. Christina Kann 39:13 I don't know. Lelia Hilton 39:13 Yeah, I know. Well, even in real life, like how the fuck do carrier pigeons work? What kind of sorcery is that? How big can their brains even be? Christina Kann 39:25 I don't know. Maybe it's like their number one imperative, you know? Lelia Hilton 39:29 Yeah, it is crazy -- you already talked about in the last chapter -- that Sirius sent Harry's letter with a tropical bird. Which to me implies that he just like found a nearby bird and was like, "Go! Fly this to my godson!" And the bird is like a *squawk* and like did it. Christina Kann 39:56 Let's say he's in Brazil. Does he go to a Brazilian wizarding village and seek out a post office? A magical post office? Or does he just like go into the woods and try to convince this toucan-- Cari 40:17 Do all birds have the ability to carry these letters? Or is it just like magical birds? Christina Kann 40:23 Or birds of a certain size and intelligence. Not a parakeet, but like, a flamingo? Sure. Lelia Hilton 40:31 The flamingo -- they did to kind of describe it like a flamingo, right? Christina Kann 40:35 Yes. Lelia Hilton 40:35 That's crazy to me. That is not what I would have thought by "tropical bird." Christina Kann 40:39 They're not like a good flyer, are they? Cari 40:42 I didn't even realize flamingos could fly. Lelia Hilton 40:45 How funny would it be if they were flightless birds? Cari 40:47 I think -- Wait, okay. This is the third time we've had to Google something. Are flamingoes flightless? No. The answer is no, they can fly. I watched a lot of nature documentaries and I've never seen a flamingo fly in those. I've only seen them walk back and forth in the little swamp like idiots. So I'll believe flamingos can fly when I see it. Lelia Hilton 41:20 Yeah. Cari 41:23 So Hedwig is like, "Bye, I know exactly where Sirius Black is. I got this. Don't even worry about it." Didn't she just get there? Hedwig like just rolled up after like days of being missing I think. And then he's like, "Okay, bitch, go." Lelia Hilton 41:48 To a long journey. Christina Kann 41:50 Yeah, let her chill overnight or whatever. Lelia Hilton 41:53 There's no time. Christina Kann 41:54 There's no time. So then Harry eat some cake. And is like, "I'm a luck, luck, lucky boy." And that's how the chapter ends. Lelia, what was your favorite part of this chapter? Lelia Hilton 42:10 I thought Mrs. Weasley's letter was very sweet and cute. I loved the bit with the stamps all over it. I thought that was quite delightful. I was like, "Aw, more magic versus Muggle mishaps." We love to see it. Yeah, that's really what stood out to me. What about you, Cari? Cari 42:31 I liked when Harry gets the permission to go, and he like walks up to Dudley and he's like, "That was an excellent breakfast, wasn't it?" I love it when Harry sasses Dudley. Lelia Hilton 42:43 Yeah, spicy. Cari 42:44 Because Dudley has no brain cells, so he can't even come up with a comeback. Christina Kann 42:48 Yes. There's that legendary moment -- Oh, man. I forgot the joke though -- I always get myself into these situation. When he's like, something about practicing swirlies on Harry, and then Harry's like, "I'm not sure the toilet has ever had anything as gross as your head in it," or whatever. That's the thing, Harry can be sassy to Dudley and we can come to hate him through that lens rather than you're describing him as a disgusting person. Lelia Hilton 43:18 Yeah, we can hate him because he's cruel and mean and dumb, versus he's all of those things because he's fat. Almost it kind of seems like that. Christina Kann 43:31 Yeah. Cari 43:32 It just seems like she ran out of descriptors for the Dursleys. And it's just like, "I'll just keep using this whale analogy." And the fact that Vernon Dursley's least face is purple over and over again. Lelia Hilton 43:43 His "piggy eyes." What the fuck are "piggy eyes"? Christina Kann 43:46 Luckily, that's something that gets kind of lost in translation in the films because they cast -- I mean, no child -- I've never seen a child in my life that is wider than he is tall, which is how they describe him. Lelia Hilton 44:00 That's a cartoon character. Christina Kann 44:01 Yeah, so they had to get a regular, normal-sized boy to play him and I'm glad for that. He's shitty just because he shitty in the movies. Lelia Hilton 44:11 Yeah, I feel like I've seen that actor in other things recently, and I'm like, "Dudley, what you doing?" Christina Kann 44:16 He's making a comeback. He's been in some cool shit. He was in The Old Guard. That was such a good movie. Lelia Hilton 44:21 Oh, yeah. Christina Kann 44:22 Well, and also The Queen's Gambit. Lelia Hilton 44:27 That's what I saw him in. Right, right. Christina Kann 44:29 I mean, he's great. He's great now that he's -- you know, every child actor has to kind of like break free of that role. That one defining role. Lelia Hilton 44:40 Yeah, some are unable to or you know, may grow up and find that they're not talented. *coughing* EMMA *coughing* But, um, you know, that's just one man's opinion. Christina Kann 44:52 My favorite part of this chapter was probably reading Ron's letter because I really love Ron. Every time I read the series, I'm like, "Oh, yeah, Ron is great!" And I get really defensive of him because the films do him so dirty. Just imagine Ron. Imagine the kinds of things he's interested in. Imagine him trying to sit down and do homework. But then, imagine him sitting down and lovingly writing a letter to Harry. It makes me so happy. And he's such a little cutie, and his little letter is so cute. Lelia Hilton 45:29 Yeah, their friendship is developed so nicely, all three of them. Well, not Hermione really. But Harry and Ron are developed so nicely in the books. And they do just kind of make him seem like the joke, I feel like -- like the punch line, a little bit in the movies. Christina Kann 45:45 Brooke recently shared in our Discord server a really excellent video that broke down -- I mean, I think we all can agree that Ron was done dirty in the movies. But it's such a big issue that it's hard to get into it further than that. They just failed him at every turn. So this video took the time to really break down all the different ways in which the writers insisted on serving the narrative rather than his character. I'll put a link to that in the show notes because it was great. I never watch videos. I hate being shown videos. Don't send them to me. And this was a 35-minute-long YouTube video, but I just watched it, and I was there for every moment of it. #justiceforRon. Okay, cool. Any last thoughts about this chapter before we wrap it on up? Christina Kann 46:18 I thought the description of Harry's clothes, that were Dudley's clothes -- I had never realized before how big they were on him. Lelia Hilton 46:50 It had to be folded up five times. Cari 46:52 A sweatshirt went all the way down past his knees. Christina Kann 46:56 That is like so ridiculous to even imagine. Cari 47:02 Can't you shrink those with magic? Harry can't because he is underage, but when he goes to the Burrow, can't he be like, "Hey, can you make these fit?" Christina Kann 47:12 Wow. Yes. And probably Molly Weasley is the kind of person who would just do it for him without -- "Sweetie, come over here. We're gonna fix your clothes. Okay?" Yeah, these little details are cute, but then they never get brought up again. And it's like, "Wait, this doesn't actually track in the greater narrative. Cari 47:30 Did you realize that you made a magical system where you can do anything with magic? Christina Kann 47:36 Exactly. That's why, in our last episode, we were wondering whether or not Sirius Black had a wand at this point. If he has a wand when he's in hiding. Later in the books, he comes back from south from Brazil, and it's not clear if he has a wand. But he is super hungry and desperate and raggedy looking. And he definitely, I think, could have done better with a wand. Lelia Hilton 48:07 Like, why are you starving on the streets, bro? Cari 48:10 Well, even if you had a wand, you can't like transfigure your food. So he would have to steal it. Christina Kann 48:17 You can like -- what's the word? -- like multiply it? They do it in Deathly Hallows a little bit. Cari 48:23 Oh, yeah. Christina Kann 48:24 So he could like multiply one family's meal, and it's like fine. They get less nutrition in their meal or whatever, for this meal alone. But I get to eat, you know? I think he could have been more creative and done more things if he had a wand. Cari 48:39 You're right. Christina Kann 48:40 But maybe the only way to get a toucan to deliver -- I mean a flamingo. Flamingo, right, is what we decided? Lelia Hilton 48:48 Yeah. Christina Kann 48:49 Is to have a wand and like magic them. Cari 48:54 Also, how did he get to wherever he was? Brazil or whatever. Lelia Hilton 48:59 Yeah, I was thinking that too. Cari 49:00 Did he swim? Christina Kann 49:01 No, he took Buckbeak! Over the ocean! Lelia Hilton 49:05 That's kind of nuts. Christina Kann 49:07 I mean, surely, surely, he must have gone up through Greenland and down the coast. There's no way he just sailed straight over the Atlantic. Is there? Cari 49:19 I don't think so. Christina Kann 49:21 We don't know how fast hippogriff can go, I guess. Lelia Hilton 49:25 Yeah, but that's insane. Like over an ocean? Your bird cannot stop to eat or drink or stop flying. Christina Kann 49:36 You just gotta like piss off the side of the hippogriff into the ocean. Lelia Hilton 49:40 It would hit you in the face. Christina Kann 49:45 Okay, all right, I'm wrapping it up. Let's move on to some plugs. I would love to start our little plug session by plugging our Patreon. This month's bonus episode just dropped this past Saturday, and it covered My Immortal, the legendary Harry Potter fan fiction. That episode was extremely good. I recommend it with my whole heart. So please check out our Patreon, which is linked in the show notes. Cari, where can people find you on the internet? Cari 50:19 You can find me on Instagram and Twitter @carissazwerg. You can find me on TikTok @carizwerg. You can check out my podcast, Curly Critics Pod, on all the socials. Christina Kann 50:37 Hell yeah, I love their show so much. Obviously, I love all of our WBNE -- I call you guys cousins, you know? Like we're doing the same thing, just next to each other. Yeah, Curly Critics is covering Harry Potter right now, and it's such a good time. So I highly recommend it. Do you have something you've been watching, reading, listening to, whatever lately that you think that listeners of our podcast would enjoy? Cari 51:03 Yeah, I want to plug the show Lucifer on Netflix. It's a crime show where the devil comes to LA and befriends a detective and they solve crimes together, and then heavenly shenanigans ensue. Christina Kann 51:21 Heavenly shenanigans! Lelia Hilton 51:23 That's like, um, what's the David Tenant show? Christina Kann 51:25 Good Omens. Lelia Hilton 51:26 Yeah, Good Omens. Christina Kann 51:29 Heavenly shenanigans. Put that on my tombstone. Cari 51:33 The last season is coming out September 10. Christina Kann 51:37 So it came out this past weekend from when this show airs. Cari 51:41 Yes. Christina Kann 51:43 A little look behind the curtain, guys. We record this in the past. Awesome. Thank you so much. Leila, where can people find you on the internet? Lelia Hilton 51:54 Hello, I'm Lelia. You can find me on Instagram and Twitter @leelz4realz. You can find me on Sunday nights with some of my friends doing another podcast, which is what I'm going to plug this week! Yay. I am plugging the Movie Night Crew, our network's namesake. It is just me and Tina and a handful of our friends watching films. There's no rhyme or reason. We literally spin a wheel many times, and what it lands on, we watch. And then afterwards, we have a conversation about them. Sometimes we end up roasting the film the entire time, many times we do. It is bawdy and dirty and fun. And it's a great time. Lovingly produced by my husband, whose name is Jason. Christina Kann 52:55 And he will actually be on next week's episode. Lelia Hilton 52:58 Oh, yeah. Well dang. Yeah. He puts a lot of care into taking out all of our "like, what, um," and all of our awkward silences. Christina Kann 53:09 It's just crazy how many times I tell people they can't eat while we're recording. It just happens anyway. Lelia Hilton 53:16 Like, "You know what I should do right now? Chow down on a sandwich." Anyway, yeah, check us out, if you like this podcast, especially, you may recognize some of your Potter friends and get to hear him in a different type of environment, but also very similar. Christina Kann 53:34 If you listen to this podcast, and you're like, "Wow, I like it, but it could be a little more chaotic." Lelia Hilton 53:42 Have we got a show for you! Christina Kann 53:46 Well, thank you so much for your lovely plug. Not that I'm biased. I've been your host Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on Twitter at @christina_kann. You can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. And this week, I would like to recommend Cadence of Hyrule, which is a game for the Nintendo Switch -- maybe other platforms, I don't know -- but definitely the Nintendo Switch. It is a Legend of Zelda universe game that incorporates literally EDM. It's like two of my favorite things. As you're moving around this map, you have to move to the beat. It's extremely fun. My husband, Sean, is a DJ, and we're both Legend of Zelda enthusiasts. It was an extremely fun, not really that hard game. It's not nearly as involved or plot-oriented as other Legend of Zelda games. It's a total Nintendo vibe. I really recommend that. So wow, Lelia, thank you so much for coming on and chatting with us today. Lelia Hilton 54:52 Anytime babe! Christina Kann 54:54 And Cari, we are so grateful for you being our special guest today. It was an absolute pleasure to finally meet you and to get to talk about Harry Potter, which we've both been talking about separately a lot lately. Cari 55:05 Yeah, it was so much fun to be here. Christina Kann 55:07 Hell yeah, and I hope we can get you back on for another chapter of Order of the Phoenix. Cari 55:13 Yeah, another really long book. Christina Kann 55:16 Really long and really depressing, so we'll take all the friendship we can get to get through it. Awesome. All right, gang. I gotta go finish reading "Muggle Mail for Beginners" before this book folds itself into a paper airplane and flies away. Bye! Christina Kann 55:37 The Restricted Section is a member of the Movie Night Crew Network, which features other amazing podcasts such as its namesake, the Movie Night Crew, which is an extra chaotic podcast featuring the gang just shooting the shit about whatever movie they just watched. trailer 55:50 All righty. It's Movie Night. Grab your popcorn, grab your coffee. Grab your friend. Grab a cat. And let's go. Who directed this? What year did it come out? Is that that girl from that show? Who wrote this? Where's the cat? Who would you rather bang? Does this pass the Bechdel test? What about the Steve Buscemi test? Does a woman literally speak in this movie? Oh my god, a dog. This reminds me of in Harry Potter, when-- Are we recording? What do the critics say? It's a guilty pleasure. What's your rating? Can you be quiet? Oh my god. Movie Night Crew. It's just like watching movies with your friends and then arguing about it after. Every Sunday wherever you get podcasts. Christina Kann 56:46 The Restricted Section was created by me, Christina Kann, based on the book series by JK Rowling. All music by Ryan Kann. Logo by Michael Hardison. Support us on patreon.com/therestrictedsection. For as little as $1 a month you can gain access to our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be, and there are other rewards as well, such as bonus episodes and Zoom happy hour Hangouts. Be sure to follow us on Instagram @restrictedsectionpod, on Twitter @restrictedpod, and on Facebook @restrictedsectionpod. Also, feel free to shoot us an email at restrictedsectionpod@gmail.com to share your thoughts, feelings, complaints, conspiracy theories, or even lavish praise. Lelia Hilton 57:30 *singing* Hello to the listeners, Lelia.
SPEAKERS
Sam O'Brien, Andrew Whatshisface, Christina Kann Christina Kann 00:02 "I'm okay, mainly because the Dursleys are terrified you might turn up and turn them all into bats if I asked you to. A weird thing happened this morning, though. My scar hurt again. Last time that happened it was because Voldemort was at Hogwarts. But I don't reckon he can be anyone near me now, can he? Do you know if curse scars sometimes hurt years afterward? I'll send this with Hedwig when she gets back. She's off hunting at the moment. Say hello to Buckbeak for me. -Harry" Christina Kann 00:56 What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, the show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way the story and its themes have a state of the generation into adulthood. Thanks for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today. Chapter Two, the scar. Oh, Harry Potter is a most unusual boy who has a very strange scar. And he goes to a very unusual school. And if you look around his room, you'll see the most unusual things. Anyway, he sent Sirius a letter saying his scar hurted. Christina Kann 01:44 Welcome to The Restricted Section, where nightmares are real! Get used to it! I'm delighted to be joined today by my enthusiastic friend, Andrew! Say hello to the listeners, Andrew. Andrew 01:55 Hello. Christina Kann 01:56 Hey, and I'm so stoked that our special guest today is Sam O'Brien, host of our pod sib, Content and Capable! Say hello to the listeners, Sam. Sam O'Brien 02:05 Why hello there. Christina Kann 02:07 We are so glad that you're here! In case there's any chance in hell that a listener of The Restricted Section has no idea what Content and Capable is -- which, I don't think that's possible. I've made a lot of announcements about it. Tell us a little bit about your podcast and what you do over there. Sam O'Brien 02:20 Content and Capable is a podcast -- kind of like, you know, your typical adulting podcast that you see everywhere. But instead of trying to give practical solutions, I sit down and chat to people who've got interesting stories or hobbies or stuff and talk about how they're living an adult life, but also enjoying life as well and feeling content with their hobbies or their jobs and things like that. So it's a really great time, and we chat about a whole bunch of things. Christina Kann 02:55 Yeah, if you haven't listened before, might I recommend starting with maybe the episode that I guested on about book publishing and podcasting? I'll link that in the show notes for everyone. We're so glad you're here, Sam. Especially because we really need some help getting through this chapter. Andrew 03:13 Tina, whatever could you mean? Christina Kann 03:16 Okay, well, Andrew, why don't you just go ahead and give us your first impression reaction of this chapter? As you were reading it, what were you feeling? What were you thinking? What was running through your mind? Andrew 03:25 I mean, I guess the only the only real answer to that is nostalgia. Because not only have I been in this chapter before, but this chapter has existed in every Harry Potter book ever made. So I've been in this chapter many times. Now it has different flavors, it has different little side characters that will come up. This one has an interesting bird. But you know, it's the first Harry Potter chapter of the Harry Potter book, where we learn about his unusualness and his boyishness. Christina Kann 03:56 And Sam, I realized that I forgot to ask you to tell us a little bit about your Harry Potter history. Sam O'Brien 04:01 Well, my older cousins read a lot of Harry Potter. In fact, when they came and babysat me, they would always have a Harry Potter book on hand. And I was always intrigued but never really got into it. And my mother has this rule still, that you could only read the book at what age Harry was. Because she kind of understands that they get darker towards the end. So you needed to be a little bit older to fully grapple with that, at least in her opinion. Christina Kann 04:26 Interesting. Sam O'Brien 04:27 And so I did so I read it once a year, when I was 11 through to about 16. I got to the sixth book and never read the Deathly Hallows. Andrew 04:42 Oh my god. Sam O'Brien 04:43 I'm so sorry. Andrew 04:45 Well, it's been a great episode, y'all. So we're just gonna go ahead and... Sam O'Brien 04:51 I actually struggled because I read so much as a child, my mother had to ban us from reading through the school term. And so by the time gotten around to picking up the next Harry Potter book, the school term ha already started. So I just never got around to like reading it. So I struggled through book five and six -- was just real hard to get through. And then I got to book seven, and I was 17, it was my final year of high school. And I just didn't have the time. I did try to listen to the audiobook. But at that point, I was listening to so many podcasts that I just couldn't handle another audio based thing. I have watched the movies, though, and I had this very interesting discussion with my mother this morning about how crap the Deathly Hallows movies are as compared to the books. Christina Kann 05:43 It's crazy. They like made it into two movies, but it's still lost so many shades of meaning. I don't know. I can relate to -- my parents too had to restrict my reading sometimes to get me tp focus on other stuff. So that's very funny. What Hogwarts house are you? Sam O'Brien 06:00 I am a Ravenclaw. Although sometimes I like to have main character vibes and will sometimes just go "Yeah, I'll be a Gryffindor for today." Christina Kann 06:10 Oh my god, I love that answer. And I feel like I relate to that too. Sometimes you gotta buck up and be a Gryffindor. You know what I mean? Dope. Well, um, so what are your gut reactions to this chapter? I can't even like say it with a straight face. Andrew 06:24 You have two minutes to respond. You must use all two minutes. That is a minimum not a maximum. Christina Kann 06:32 We're not doing that. Sam O'Brien 06:33 This is the weird thing about this whole chapter: We started off, you know, the last chapter with is really great, almost like a murder mystery plot. And we get back to this. And it's like, Why the fuck is this chapter here? We started with a really great start. And we just go on, "Yeah, now we're just going to spend the next 50 pages explaining who Harry Potter is." My first note, actually, is "Book Three Harry has entered the chat," because it reads so much like the first three books, but nothing really like the later half of the fourth book, where things get a little bit more complicated. And there's a lot of about, you know, bullshit that's happening. This is like almost a repeat of Book Three. Obviously, there's some interesting stuff that happened that we'll discuss later. But it's nothing really notable. Christina Kann 07:27 Yeah, the beginning of this book is pretty bullshit heavy. We come out strong with the first chapter, and then the next two chapters are kind of nothing. And then we get to go to the Quidditch World Cup. And then there's like two more chapters of nothing. There's like, Let's sit around the Burrow, let's get on the train. I think it's that they wanted to give us the magic of every little detail of the first couple books, but it's like, honestly, we don't need the train, right? Let's get there, we got stuff to do. Andrew 07:54 I might be wrong here, but this is the first one that I really remember being like a big, big deal. When the fourth book came out was the first time that I remember there being a midnight release. So I think what it might have been, too, is that might have been a publishing decision where they were like, "There might be a bunch of kids that are reading this and that've never read one, two and three, but they hear about number four, and they want to get it." Because that's the only explanation. Because I'll be honest, it feels like she's phoning it in here. It really feels like she had a list of things that she wanted to accomplish. And she just lazy went like bom, bom, bom, bom. There's points where it almost feels like like a fanfiction or something. It feels like it's not written by a real author. It just feels poor, clunky, and blergh. Maybe it's just being critical. I think what happened is she probably wrote the beginning chapter the way that we know it, right? The second and third chapter were just one chapter that was much shorter and was much more of just "Yeah, life sucks. But hey, this cool thing is gonna happen," and then going straight to the World Cup. At least that's the only thing that makes sense to me is that that was the case. And then a publisher was like, "We need more!" Christina Kann 09:07 Yeah, ugh. Andrew 09:08 "Put extra words on the page!" Christina Kann 09:11 I would never do that. Sam O'Brien 09:12 It annoys me because that book is so thick, and as a child in year six, when a friend of mine decided that she was going to read -- I think it was this book -- for reading challenge. I don't know whether you guys have it in America, Accelerated Reader? Christina Kann 09:33 Andrew's bragged about it before Sam O'Brien 09:34 It's the biggest bullshit ever. My brother does it. He's like on four million words this year. So he's very excited about it. Like it counts the words, and so we would get awards for the amount of words and so our class was a little bit low or behind. So she decided she was going to pick up -- I think it was this either that or the Prisoner of Azkaban -- and read it. I'm like, "That is way too thick." And it reads real fast, and it's a real short chapter and I think that that's perfectly fine. But it shouldn't be a chapter by itself. Christina Kann 10:06 Yeah, it's bad writing. If I were this editor, I'd be like, "You should intersperse all of this backstory into your next couple chapters as we need it." Like, you got to cut something. That's my favorite thing to do as an editor, is just cut the bullshit. I'm vicious. Cut it! Andrew, were you at my house on Independence Day, when we watched Independence Day? Andrew 10:29 Absolutely. Christina Kann 10:30 Okay, remember, we were playing a variety of drinking games. And one of one of the rules was that every time the president's daughter came on stage, we all had to go "HER?!??!?!" And I think that in this podcast, we should start doing that whenever JK Rowling's mentioned. HER!?!?!???!! Andrew 10:47 Yeah, I still don't really feel comfortable saying "that bitch." I don't know, for some reason I just don't like that. Christina Kann 10:54 I think Rowldemost is a very appropriate alternative. Andrew 10:57 I just don't even want to -- I just want to give her pronouns. That's all she gets. Christina Kann 11:01 Yeah, HER!??!?!?!?! Andrew 11:03 HER??!? Sam O'Brien 11:06 I feel like we should have a new name for HER?? every season. Andrew 11:13 Oh, we could really piss her off and call her "they." Christina Kann 11:20 Whoa, you figured it out. Well, the funny thing is that at the very beginning of this podcast, all of us had this colloquial thing where we would say "they" the way that you say "they" about, like filmmakers and stuff. And we had to train ourselves to say the author's name -- until she betrayed us. And then we had to train ourselves to not say it anymore. We've been on this journey. And now we're just back to where we started. Andrew 11:43 We should save "they" for book seven. So book four will be HER?? You can just adapt from there. Christina Kann 11:49 All right, everyone, make a note. Andrew 11:52 Also send in your recommendations for book five and six. Sam O'Brien 11:56 Submissions are open. Only the best shall. Andrew 12:00 Top two will win, so Mats, go ahead and give us the two that we will end up using. Christina Kann 12:09 Okay, I guess let's get to my notes. I don't know. Harry wakes up from the dream of the previous chapter. Andrew 12:18 Yeah, and I already started off with an issue because he wakes up and he struggles to remember who Voldemort was trying to kill. Harry, it's always you, bud. The answer is always Harry Potter. The entirety of your life, the answer to "Who is Voldemort trying to kill?" has been Harry Potter. Other people have gotten in the way and had to be taken care of. But no, you are the target, my friend. And you woke up and you thought, "Who was it?" I don't know. Maybe the guy that's tried to kill you twice in three years. Just a thought. He literally had a previous version of himself who didn't even know who you were that tried to kill you because he figured out who you were. Like, DUH. I'm OVER IT! Christina Kann 13:03 He's not a Ravenclaw! So his his widdle scar hurts him. It hot. It's shaped like lightning. We're like learning all these things. Sam O'Brien 13:09 So formative. Christina Kann 13:25 He really just like meditates for a full page and a half, dude. Sam O'Brien 13:31 So there's a couple of things. First of all, this is where I feel like HER?? finally gets into trusting the readers to understand a couple of things. Yes, you know, she doesn't understand that people read the previous book, but she understands that people have read the previous chapter. So she doesn't have to spell everything out the fact that Harry had a dream. And then, this morning I'm sitting, eating breakfast, while listening to the chapter one more time, and the whole hand movements of Harry Potter having one hand over his face and grabbing the glasses in the pre-dawn. And I'm like, "What is happening here? How does that work?" Christina Kann 14:20 Wow, there are some moments in the series where Harry desperately reaches for his glasses and it always gives me this moment of panic, because I too have before desperately reached for my glasses in a minute of need. So yeah, he doesn't remember everything but like something... Andrew 14:39 This is actually, all kidding aside, a glorious and important moment for us as a podcast, going back through these books, because I contend this is the birth of edgelord/emo Harry. This is when we first started to meet the Harry that we will all come to love and hate and mainly hate and kind of love but really hate. This is where he starts. It starts with the way that he describes, in his own head, Quidditch: "in his opinion, the greatest sport in the world." That is such a 14-year-old edgelord boy thing to say. The next one is the way that it's written: "And yet . . . dot dot dot . . . and YET . . ." Christina Kann 15:36 The angst. Andrew 15:37 The angst is so real. And then later, he talks about -- Christina Kann 15:45 Hold on! before we go later -- Wait, what are you about to say? Andrew 15:51 "Harry was no stranger to pain." Christina Kann 15:53 That's what I was going to say! Andrew 15:57 Like oh my god, Harry! Really? These are the first signs of him losing that, like -- what would Haley would call his "good boy status." He's losing being a good little boy. Because like, this is just so bad. And this is what I'm talking about too. It's either the greatest writing in the world because it's incredibly boring and yet perfectly written from the voice of a 14 year old, or it's just really bad writing that sounds like it was written by a 14 year old. And I honestly can't figure out which one it is. Sam O'Brien 16:37 The the thing immediately after, when he start talking about Lockhart and I go, "It's good to see that Lockhart is still mentally scarring Harry here." Christina Kann 16:45 Someone's remembering Lockhart. Andrew 16:47 You're no stranger to pain, Harry, but you will never get over your mental pain. Because this is the wizarding world, and they do not have good mental health services. No one in the wizarding world is mentally sound. I think that can be just agreed upon by everyone. Christina Kann 17:04 No one, I feel like, in the real world this mentally sound either. I mean, the muggle world, sorry. Andrew 17:09 That's pretty true as well. Sam O'Brien 17:12 Yeah. Christina Kann 17:12 Um, so we look around Harry's room and there's lots of unusual things. That's so weird. That's so weird. Sam O'Brien 17:21 I have a logistics question. How the fuck do you fit a cauldron in a trunk? Christina Kann 17:28 I know. I don't know if it's maybe not that big of a cauldron. They say the diameters of them at some point. Andrew 17:35 It's like 12 inches, isn't it? Sam O'Brien 17:37 I swear it was like 26 inches. Christina Kann 17:40 Wait, I'm sure the internet knows the answer. Andrew 17:42 Hey, Professor Internet. Sam O'Brien 17:43 It's a heavy thing. Christina Kann 17:44 No, I wouldn't want to carry this trunk. I think about that when like the twins go get the trunk, which happens like three times, I feel like, within this series. Or whenever anyone's carrying any of the trunks, it sounds nightmarish. Pack differently. Why is it like this? Why is everything made of wood? That's so impractical. Andrew 18:00 Because they still live in the 1850s. You know, the year that technology hit the perfect amount. Christina Kann 18:06 I googled "Harry Potter cauldron size" and you know how sometimes Google's like "Here's your answer, don't look further." It says standard size two. Obviously. Andrew 18:17 Ah, of course! Christina Kann 18:19 Which is what they call them in the Harry Potter universe. Standards size 2, obviously. Andrew 18:25 Translation: HER?? sat there and thought, "How big would a fucking cauldron...? I don't know. Would it be big? They couldn't use a big one. They have to carry -- Standard Size 2." Christina Kann 18:38 This one website says five inches by five inches. That's so small. That can't be right. That's like adorable. Sam O'Brien 18:44 That's like a cup. Christina Kann 18:45 You can make like very jazzy cocktails in something like that. Andrew 18:48 I was gonna say, I would expect that at a decent happy hour. It would be like 12 bucks but it would be like four shots of liquor, so you're kind of okay with it. Christina Kann 18:58 Um, so Harry's like "Oh, the last time my scar hurt me it's because Voldemort was near me. Is he here in --" What is it called? Little Whinging? Andrew 19:12 One other thing really quick that I did notice. "As far as Harry could see through the darkness, there wasn't a living creature in sight, not even a cat." I think I know what this means. McGonagall comes and spies on Harry. Not in a creepy way, just showing up, "You good, bro?" Christina Kann 19:30 Cuz he's used to seeing a cat, huh? Sam O'Brien 19:33 Like a whole mention of like a respectable street. I'm like, what makes and unrespectable street? Andrew 19:38 Oh, Sam, you are so innocent. Christina Kann 19:40 Garbage is a good start. There's a lot of garbage on my street. Andrew 19:45 My mind went way dark. Sam O'Brien 19:46 Then I started thinking about like the unrespectable street in my city, which is right across from the train station where I go to work at the radio station. And half the street is sex shops and sex bars. The other half of the street is bars, like normal bars that will then charge you $10 for entry and then each drink is over 10 bucks each. Andrew 20:11 Oh. Just tostep back a second. Did you say sex bars? Sam O'Brien 20:16 Yeah. Andrew 20:17 So what is that? Exactly? Like, I want a drink and a blowjob. Sam O'Brien 20:24 Yeah. Andrew 20:25 Oh! Sam O'Brien 20:26 Yeah. Christina Kann 20:27 That sounds fun! Andrew 20:28 Wait, is sex work legal in Australia? Sam O'Brien 20:31 I believe it is. Uh, yeah. I think it's a state thing. But yeah, I definitely think it is. Yeah. Andrew 20:38 Party at Sam's place. All right. Nice. Christina Kann 20:44 Wow, yeah. That's refreshing. That's fun. Sam O'Brien 20:46 Yeah, it was interesting. I went out the other weekend. I was like, "Oh, I forgot that all these places exist." Christina Kann 20:54 Wow, how to go from sex bar back to the Dursley's house? I don't know. Andrew 20:58 Well, I know the way that we'll get there. Because we'll get there through one of my favorite recurring bits in all of this book. And this is so ramrodded. This has nothing to do with sex bars. But one of my favorite reccurring bits is St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys. Like, can we go harder in the paint to make you sound like an asshole if you go to this school? Like, we want you to feel bad. Sam O'Brien 21:25 Is this like a '90s thing, where they were all phased out by the early 2000s, but somehow these school still existed? It just confuses me as to why we had to make it so obvious that the Dursleys hated him, as if their actions didn't speak any louder. Andrew 21:44 Do we think this is a real school, or supposed to be a real school, though? Christina Kann 21:49 I don't know, because this was kind of before the era of fact checking in that way. Andrew 21:53 Yeah, this was back in the days where like, if the oldest daughter got pregnant, you sent her off to live with her aunt for a year, you know? So like, who knows? I've always wondered, like, Is that a real place? And people are like, Oh, God, he goes there? Christina Kann 22:07 I'll Google it. Andrew 22:08 But it couldn't be, because they don't think he's tough. You know? Sam O'Brien 22:11 Yeah. But then at the same time, I could think of people just not questioning it. Like it's the '90s; no one cares. It sounds like a respectable school, you know, and everyone trusts the Dursleys, because, you know, they're all stupid. And so it could be just, "Oh, yeah. Okay, that makes sense. It must be a school I've never heard of, and they must have done their research proper." Andrew 22:35 Aren't you brave to keep a child that goes to such a place? Christina Kann 22:41 harrypotter.fandom.com says that Vernon Dursley likely made up the school as a cover. Andrew 22:47 Hmm. Christina Kann 22:48 It does sound like the kind of blustery, exaggerated name he would come up with. Andrew 22:54 Yeah, it just rambles on a little bit too long. Christina Kann 22:56 Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Very full of itself. Okay, oh, like we get a little refresher like, who are the Dursleys? Why's Harry an orphan? Like? What? Who are his friends? Who are they? Sam O'Brien 23:13 We get back to angsty Harry here, and I go, "Is Harry fangirling over Voldy here?" going, you know, "He's done this and this and this. He's so powerful. And yet I defeated him." Andrew 23:28 He really does, dude. And once again, it's that 14 year old type thing. *scathingly mockingly* "If it hadn't been for Voldemort, Harry would not have the lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. If it hadn't been for Voldemort, Harry would still have had parents." Christina Kann 23:46 I want you to read this whole back to me in this voice, Andrew. It's like so perfect. Andrew 23:53 Little did Harry know! Yeah. Seriously, it's like the most in his own head -- I will never be able to understand what it's like to be in his shoes at that age. I admit that. But my God, I think it's because it's so out of nowhere, it's way more abrupt than I thought it would be, the start of angsty Harry. Christina Kann 24:20 He's got things to think about now. Sam O'Brien 24:23 I'm just imagining myself as a 14 year old. I'm sorry for whoever met me at 14 years old. I was an asshole. And I really wish no one had ever met me at 14. Andrew 24:41 There's a good amount of logic and I think solid argumentation that between the ages of 12 and 15, all children should be sent away to boarding school, because they're just going to be awful. Christina Kann 25:00 I've always said I was my funniest when I was in middle school, so I feel strongly that way. Andrew 25:06 I don't like interacting with children that age. They're judgy-- Christina Kann 25:12 They're hilarious! Are you joking me? They're so fucking funny and smart, dude, and they have nothing to lose. They're 13. What's going to happen? They're just so upfront with you it's hilarious. Andrew 25:22 That's the problem, though. They just don't give a fuck. Christina Kann 25:28 I respect it. Sam O'Brien 25:30 I'm staying in my parents place right now. I have a 15-year-old, a 14-year-old, and a 12-year-old sibling. Yeah, I'm not enjoying it. I have to go to bed a little bit later. We were up -- it was midnight and my siblings were still awake. I'm like, "Go to bed so I can fucking go to bed!" They stay up talking loudly as well. They've got no respect for like what's happening around them. Christina Kann 26:04 #adulting, am I right Sam? Sam O'Brien 26:06 You're not wrong. Christina Kann 26:09 The reintroduction to Harry's friends Ron and Hermione is done through this very flimsy lens of imagining how they would react to him confiding about his dream and his scar hurting. Andrew 26:24 I genuinely love these. I genuinely love them. I have always loved them. And I am not ashamed of it. I fucking love when Harry imagines his friends' reactions. It's so goddamn funny. It's one of my favorite things in the Harry Potter universe. It happens a few times, where he like imagines what Ron Hurmati would say. Christina Kann 26:45 Is it funny because it's so spot on? Andrew 26:48 Yeah, obviously, it's spot on, because it's the same person that writes all the characters. I just adore it because Harry gets it perfectly in that way where you always kind of exaggerate the little details about your friends that you like the most. Sam O'Brien 27:05 Ahem, "shrilly." Andrew 27:06 Or at least the endearing parts about them. Like, if you have a funny friend, you'll be like, "Oh my God, they're so funny." And then you introduce them to someone, and you're like, "Aren't they funny?" And they're like, "I mean, yeah, they're funny. They're not like the funniest person the world but yeah, they're, they're funny." But that's like your thing, right, that you think of? Christina Kann 27:24 He does call Hermione shrill and panicky. Sam O'Brien 27:27 Which is just his angsty teen, really? Christina Kann 27:33 So finally, in the end, he's like, "Well, I'll write a letter to my new dad that I just got, Sirius Black." Sam O'Brien 27:41 Okay, this is where I have conniptions, watching Harry try to write a letter to someone, even him trying to draft a letter to Dumbledore in his head. I'm sitting here going, "Have you never written a letter in your life?" One of the big issues I have is if you go into writing something without a plan. And so, when we get to the end of the chapter, when he's finally written the letter, it's like, "Heaps of other bits of parchment." And I'm sitting here going, "Why didn't you just write a plan and then write it, and take two pieces of parchment instead of however many you used before?" Christina Kann 28:26 I agree that I perhaps would have taken your path as well. Andrew 28:31 Do y'all know? Are you are you cool enough kids to know? Christina Kann 28:35 What?! Andrew 28:36 That this is one of the biggest fuck ups that HER?? makes in the entire series? Christina Kann 28:44 What? Andrew 28:45 Are you aware of this? Am I about to blow your mind? Christina Kann 28:48 Tell me! Andrew 28:49 In his letter to Sirius, Harry mentions that Dudley threw his PlayStation out of the window. Fun fact: PlayStation wasn't released in the UK until September 29, 1995. Christina Kann 29:03 Oh dear. Andrew 29:03 And this is August of 1994. Christina Kann 29:07 Oh my god. Andrew 29:08 So my it literally would have been impossible for Dudley to have a PlayStation. Christina Kann 29:14 Unless Vernon had some high-up connections at Nintendo. No, PlayStation. I said "Nintendo" automatically. Man, I really do fuck up almost every line I try to deliver. Trying to make a joke about PlayStation, but I literally said "Nintendo" just because I play Nintendo and I'm dreaming about how I'm gonna play my Nintendo later. Okay, we write the letter. Okay, and then Sirius, he must be hiding somewhere tropical because he sends Harry these letters via this large, flashy tropical bird rather than an owl. Andrew 29:51 I always imagined this is like a toucan, Christina Kann 29:55 Yeah, me too. Andrew 29:56 In the book, it's way more of a flamingo thing. It's cool. It looks like it's a cool looking bird. But it's not at all what I imagined my head. Sam O'Brien 30:06 Where would you guys posit that Sirius would be? Christina Kann 30:09 If I were him, I'd probably be in maybe like South America. Andrew 30:14 I'd be in Tahiti, just somewhere like tropical paradise, where you know no bureaucrat from London is going to think of. Bora Bora, maybe. One of those small islands where you have to take a plane to then take a Cessna to then take a boat to get to. That's where my ass would be. In the sand with a big ole strong drink and a lovely view of the ocean. It would look like a Corona commercial basically. Christina Kann 30:42 That's cute. I like that vibe. Sam O'Brien 30:44 Because he says "south." Okay, well, it could be like the south of Europe. But then, that's not even that nice. What about like the north of Africa? No, it's not even that nice. Maybe all the way down in South Africa. Imagine taking a hippogriff all the way down to the other end of the world. Christina Kann 31:05 Whoa, that actually be like a magical experience and probably a terrible one too. Andrew 31:09 Besides the chafing, yeah, it would be magical. Christina Kann 31:12 But like the views, the views! Ugh, I'm weeping thinking about it. Sam O'Brien 31:17 This is the other thing though. It's 1994. This is the height of unrestricted air travel before we hit 9/11 and stuff. So how do you ride a hippogriff through the air for such a long time without being picked up by someone and go "What the fuck is this thing doing flying through here?" Christina Kann 31:35 Yeah, especially because -- I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure he just straight up doesn't have a wand. Andrew 31:41 Doesn't he have ...? Christina Kann 31:43 Why would he have a wand? Where did he get a wand? Andrew 31:46 Pettigrew? Either Pettigrew or Ron. No... Sam O'Brien 31:49 I thought Pettigrew still had his. Andrew 31:51 Pettigrew stole Ron's. I don't know. It's been a while. See, we decided to take this break, so I don't remember. Just kidding! Sam O'Brien 32:04 We've got no nerds on here. It's just us three, who can just speak out our asses for an hour and a half. Christina Kann 32:10 I'm telling you that I don't think he has a wand. Sam O'Brien 32:13 Yeah, I surprised if he didn't. Andrew 32:16 Yeah. Christina Kann 32:16 He's desperate for food and stuff. He's on the lam. Andrew 32:21 But he's able to find these wizarding birds that are able to fly these messages super long distances. Christina Kann 32:28 You don't need a wand for that. Andrew 32:30 I'm just saying, I think he has some level of contact with the wizarding world if he's getting those birds. Christina Kann 32:37 You just gotta find the right bird. Andrew 32:39 If he goes to, like, the largest Indian wandmaker, there's no way that shit's being patrolled. There's no way you're going to tell me a Gringott's goblin would not exchange your money outside of the state that you're wanted in. Yeah, if you're wanted in Britain, Gringott's don't give a shit. They'll give you your money in India. Sam O'Brien 32:59 He must have a wand towards the end, though. Because just before he dies, they're in the battle. Christina Kann 33:06 I'm sure they get him a wand eventually. Andrew 33:08 Yeah, but for right now, yeah, you're right. He probably does not have one or he has only just recently acquired one. Christina Kann 33:15 Wow. Okay. Well, we'll check back on that. So Harry, like reads us this letter that he wrote. He omits the whole dream thing because he doesn't want to sound too worried. But like, I mean, that's pretty worrying. Whatever. They said they were gonna murder you. Sam O'Brien 33:28 Such dumb jock vibes. "I don't want to seem too weak." Christina Kann 33:34 Yeah. Andrew 33:35 At one point, Harry says something about like, "He didn't think of Sirius because he'd only known that he was his godfather for two months." But is that right? I thought he knew before the whole escape on the hippogriff that he was his godfather. Christina Kann 33:53 That was like, two months ago. Andrew 33:55 But like, I thought it was before that whole series -- I thought he knew that before he knew that he was actually a good guy. Sam O'Brien 34:01 Maybe? I'm not sure. I feel like that was in the Leaky Cauldron. Christina Kann 34:05 I think it's more of an implied -- That's how long he's had a godfather who is a good godfather that he likes and maybe could send mail to. Andrew 34:13 Gotcha. Okay, that makes more sense. Yeah. Christina Kann 34:15 Yeah, cuz you're right that it was before that. Andrew 34:18 Yeah. Christina Kann 34:19 Well, it doesn't even matter because he doesn't even tell Sirius the whole story, but whatever. And then he literally gets up and gets ready for breakfast. So that's like the end of the chapter. Sam O'Brien 34:29 There was an interesting thing about Wormtail. And I only was thinking about it now. Wormtail's following whoever has the most power, right? Made me think -- I'm a journalist, so I often think about Daddy Murdoch, who owns all the newspapers in my state. I was thinking about him, and there's comments that other journalists have made, so they're not mine, about how Rupert Murdoch always goes to whoever is the most popular or whoever is going to give him the most money. He's a businessman, you know, that's what he wants. And so Wormtail has very much got similar parallels. We're equally frustrated with both of them, and we're not quite sure how they got there. Andrew 35:14 The only thing that Wormtail is missing is that he didn't decide to put topless models in his newspapers. That's literally the only big difference between the two. Sam O'Brien 35:26 Our largest Australian export is a media mogul. Christina Kann 35:31 Ew. Sam O'Brien 35:31 Yeah. Christina Kann 35:31 Interesting. Andrew 35:32 And he now owns Fox News. Christina Kann 35:34 Huh. Andrew 35:36 Oh, Tina. Yeah, that that's Rupert Murdoch he's talking about, the owner of Fox News. Christina Kann 35:42 Indeed. Sam O'Brien 35:42 And lots of other fun publications. I could probably spend 10 minutes listing newspapers here that he owns. It's kind of sad. Anyway-- Andrew 35:52 We'd all just be depressed if you did that. Christina Kann 35:55 Guys, I'm looking for a segue out of this depressing conversation, but I can't because there's fucking nothing going on in this chapter. There's nothing to segue into. Andrew 36:03 And there's nothing going on next chapter. Sam O'Brien 36:05 I have one more question though. Harry mentions Dumbledore on holiday and tries to imagine Dumbledore on holiday. Where do we think Dumbledore would go on holiday? Christina Kann 36:15 I don't know if y'all have seen that Disney's movie "The Sword in the Stone"? Andrew 36:19 Long time ago. Sam O'Brien 36:21 Yeah. Christina Kann 36:22 In it, Merlin goes on a trip to Bermuda, and he's like, all dressed up in a Merlin version of like a Bermuda outfit, you know, like a tropical outfit. And that's kind of what I picture, he's in Bermuda. Andrew 36:36 Have y'all heard that Bermuda is like literally on a direct parallel with Virginia? Christina Kann 36:42 Oh, yeah. Andrew 36:43 Like it's directly to our east. My parents apparently had friends back in like the '80s that went to this really shady travel agent, because that was back when you basically had to have a travel agent. And they were looking at these tropical places, and they were trying to save a bunch of money. And they go, "Well, we do have one tropical place you can go to. It'd be really cheap." They were like, "Where?" They go, "You can go to Bermuda." My parents' friends were like, "Oh my gosh, yeah. It's cheaper to go to Bermuda?" and they go, "Yeah, we're gonna send you there in October. It'll be real cheap." And it is. Because it's just like Virginia weather in October. So you're like, bundled up in sweatshirts and shit sitting on the beach. Christina Kann 37:27 Wow. Been there. I'll sit on the beach in any weather. Andrew 37:30 Yeah. Sam O'Brien 37:31 Wow. Christina Kann 37:31 All right, team. That's it. Does anyone have any final thoughts about this chapter? Andrew 37:37 We did our best. Sam O'Brien 37:39 No, I'm glad we did some of the admin work we need to do for the next few chapters. Andrew 37:46 We established some things. We got our new tradition for this season. Christina Kann 37:52 Yup. Andrew 37:52 All in all, a pretty successful stretch for time. We're not gonna lie. We know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. Christina Kann 38:01 If you're new to the podcast, future episodes won't be under an hour, I promise. That's a threat and a warning. Sam O'Brien 38:11 It's so hard to put 20 minutes of content into an hour and a half of podcast content. What the heck are you supposed to talk about? Christina Kann 38:21 Some chapters in this book have literally so much going on. Just like a little redistribution of content is called for here. Andrew 38:31 Just do it better! Christina Kann 38:33 Next week, we're talking about The Invitation. So at least we get a glimpse, a little glimpse of the wizarding world. Andrew 38:40 Yeah. Sam O'Brien 38:41 I think this is where we get proper Dursley abuse. I was thinking the Dursleys seem less mean this time. I was like, "Oh, wait a second. We haven't even met them in person yet." Christina Kann 38:55 Yeah. Andrew 38:56 We've just had the threat of them. Christina Kann 39:01 Alright, well, let's move on to plugs. I would love to start by plugging our Patreon. Andrew 39:08 Yay! Christina Kann 39:10 This season, we're introducing transcripts for every episode to make our podcast more accessible to more people. So please support our efforts to be as inclusive as possible by becoming a Patron. At the $5 tier, you can get bonus episodes. This month, September, we're covering My Immortal, the Harry Potter fan fiction. You don't want to miss it. I can't emphasize that enough. Sam O'Brien 39:37 It's gonna be so fun. I can't wait. Andrew 39:41 So I have been waiting to plug something that I found in the last few weeks that I absolutely love. It's a podcast called Five to Four. It's 5-4. And I think the tagline is "Why the Supreme Court sucks." It is a podcast that literally goes -- and it's not going to be for everyone -- but they take specific cases and break down the case and basically explain how the Supreme Court could fuck up something when it's supposed to be all these grand, scholarly experts and you know, known wizened old people that are in charge of interpreting the sacred document. No, it's all bullshit. it's always been politicized. It's always been exactly what you imagine it is. And it's three lawyers that basically break down, from a very leftist point of view, exactly how they fucked up and how they came to fuck up. And yeah, it's very informative. If you've ever been interested in legal theory, or the way that laws are interpreted, it's a very, very, very user friendly intro into that type of stuff. So like I said, if you're interested in US law at all, and you want to hear some pretty funny people talk about the Supreme Court, it's definitely worth checking out. Christina Kann 41:02 Thank you so much. Sam, where can people find you on the internet? Sam O'Brien 41:07 I'm Sam. If you didn't hear at the start of the episode, I host a podcast called Content and Capable. You can find that pretty much anywhere on the internet that The Restricted Section is, because I basically copy Christina and everything because she's just awesome. You can also find me personally @sam.the.journalist on Instagram and TikTok. I'm planning, once I get my WiFi set up, to upload a lot more to TikTok. And then on twitter @samobjournalist as well. And I am going to plug a TikTok creator -- he's also created stuff on Instagram and YouTube -- called @chanwills0. She is a Harry Potter TikToker. She does some of the best stuff. Her McGonagall impressions are awesome. Christina Kann 42:08 Awesome, thank you so much. I've been your host Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann. You follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. This week, I'm going to plug my best friend Adrienne! She does woodburning and she is launching a woodburning business called Mayfields on Fire. And you can check her out on Instagram. It's linked in the show notes. It's very cute. It's earrings and custom woodburned wall stuff. So, Sam, thank you so much for joining us for this super exciting like absolutely riveting chapter. Sam O'Brien 42:45 Thank you so much for having me. Christina Kann 42:48 Definitely more fun than I thought this ever could be. So thank you so much. I laughed. I cried. We had a good time. Andrew 42:54 My jokes aren't THAT bad. You're not physically crying. You just feel like crying on the inside. That's what I go for. If the actual tears come out, I feel bad. Don't make me feel bad. You feel bad on your own. And I get to feel good. Christina Kann 43:11 Well, on that note, Andrew, thank you so much for being here. Christina Kann 43:16 It's always a pleasure. Christina Kann 43:16 You've been a joy. I'm excited to get even further into Goblet of Fire, and maybe we'll find the plot soon. Alright, gang, I gotta go finish reading "101 Clever Ways to Hide Snacks in Your Room" before this book develops a caloric intake. Bye!!! Christina Kann 43:49 I'm excited for this episode. Just because it's basically just like a free form. Andrew 45:34 It's about five minutes of material. We are putting on a master class here, people. This is going to take three professionals.
SPEAKERS
Haley Simpkiss, Mats Furuli, Christina Kann Christina Kann 00:02 "Out in the corridor, Frank suddenly became aware that the hand gripping his walking stick was slippery with sweat. The man with the cold voice had killed a woman. He was talking about it without any kind of remorse; with amusement. He was dangerous a madman, and he was planning more murders. This boy -- Harry Potter, whoever he was -- was in danger. Frank knew what he must do. Now if ever was the time to go to the police. He would creep out of the house and head straight for the telephone box in the village. But the cold voice was speaking again, and Frank remained where he was, frozen to the spot listening with all his might." What's up Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and examine the ways that the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thanks for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry. We did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today: Chapter One, The Riddle House. The Goblet of Fire starts not with Harry but with Frank Bryce, gardener of the Riddle House in Little Hangleton. 50 years ago, the rich and snobby Riddle family was found dead in their home and everyone figured that Frank had done it. After all, he was an introvert with PTSD and a limp. What a villain! But when the autopsies came back, his name was cleared. The three family members were evidently not even murdered. In fact, there was nothing wrong with them at all when they died except for expressions of supreme terror on their faces. Fast forward 50 years, and Frank is super old now. No one has ever really forgiven him for being an introvert with PTSD who was geographically near a mass murder. So he's used to kids fucking up his garden and even breaking into the Riddle House. One night his stiff leg wakes him up and he sees a flickering light on in an upstairs window of the manor. Real horror story shit, yeah? So he goes in, and he goes upstairs, listening in on the two men who are chatting inside. What are they chatting about? you ask. Murder! Murders they committed, murders they aspire to commit. Frank's just getting ready to go to the police when a giant snake slides past him and into the room. The snake presumably tattles on Frank for eavesdropping, so the men invite him into the room. What Frank sees inside that room absolutely shocks him, but it doesn't matter. There's a flash of green light, and our dear Frank is dead. Across the country, Harry Potter wakes with a start from a very alarming dream. Welcome to The Restricted Section, where we will break into your house and start a fire! I am joined today by my most esteemed colleague, coworker, and dare I say co-conspirator, Haley. Haley Simpkiss 03:06 Hey, how's it going? Christina Kann 03:08 Good. Say hello to the listeners, Haley. Haley Simpkiss 03:10 Hello, listeners. I'm Haley. Christina Kann 03:12 Have you missed them? Haley Simpkiss 03:13 I have missed them. Have you missed me, listener? Mats Furuli 03:16 Yes, I have. Haley Simpkiss 03:20 They're here! Oh God! Christina Kann 03:24 As you can hear, I'm sure our special guest today his friend of the pod Mats! Say hello to the listeners much. Mats Furuli 03:31 Hello to the listeners, Mats! Christina Kann 03:34 You can catch Mats if you haven't already, or revisit. He was on our other episodes of the pod, The Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 9, Part Two: Grim Defeat. And you also, Mats, came on to talk about Puffs, which was our special summer bonus episode this past summer. Mats Furuli 03:51 I did. Haley Simpkiss 03:51 That episode was so much fun. Christina Kann 03:53 I listen to it by far more than any other episode. Haley Simpkiss 03:58 It's so wholesome. Christina Kann 03:59 It's very wholesome. I do recommend it. Mats Furuli 04:02 I listened to it for the first time the other day because I hate my voice and listening to myself talk is a nightmare. Haley Simpkiss 04:10 Welcome to podcasting. We all feel that way. Christina Kann 04:14 All the listeners are gonna be like, "What? I came here specifically to listen to you." Mats Furuli 04:21 Well, I never do that. Christina Kann 04:24 That is one of those weird human things where it's just like, that can't be me. That's not right at all. Mats Furuli 04:30 Every time I listen to a podcast and one of the hosts talks about loving hearing themselves talk, I'm like, "Fucking hell, I wish I could relate to that." Christina Kann 04:42 I love to hear myself talk when I'm not being obnoxious. So like, not a lot. Mats Furuli 04:49 I always love hearing you guys talk. I just finished re listening to the podcast last night and I promptly stopped relistening. So one of the last things that entered my earholes before this recording was Andrew singing the entire Sorting Hat Song. Andrew 05:10 *flashback clip* Oh, you may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see. Christina Kann 05:18 Oh my god. That is one of my most like beloved memories on this podcast. Haley Simpkiss 05:23 Oh god. That was like right before COVID wasn't it? Christina Kann 05:25 Yeah, it was the last episode. Haley Simpkiss 05:27 Yeah. Oh man. He is never happier than when he is either singing or telling you about his elaborate plans for hypothetical future situations. Mats Furuli 05:38 I could not relate more. Christina Kann 05:41 So gang we're here at the beginning of Goblet of Fire. We're standing on the precipice. I know! Are you even ready? Because this book is a lot. Haley Simpkiss 05:51 I know. Mats Furuli 05:52 I'm extremely ready. Haley Simpkiss 05:54 We're gonna get through it together as friends Christina Kann 05:56 We're gonna get through it together. Oh god. Oh dear. It's fine. It's fine. Probably no one will die. Haley Simpkiss 06:04 One person might die. Christina Kann 06:05 Up to one person Well, up to two people. #DontForget -- wait, #NeverForgetBerthaJorkins. Haley Simpkiss 06:15 Oh, wait three Frank. Sorry. Spoilers for this chapter. Christina Kann 06:23 How can I forget that Frank dies at the end of this very chapter? Okay, so three. Um, before we get started, I would love to just get a little bit from y'all about your experience with this book specifically. Mats, if I remember correctly, you read the book series originally really out of order. Mats Furuli 06:42 I did. Christina Kann 06:44 So when did you read Goblet of Fire in that order? Mats Furuli 06:47 I have no idea when I first listened to it, but I believe it was the third book that I read. Christina Kann 06:55 Okay. Mats Furuli 06:56 Order the Phoenix. Deathly Hallows. Christina Kann 06:58 Right. Okay. Mats Furuli 06:59 Goblet of Fire. Half-Blood Prince. And then 3, 2, 1. Haley Simpkiss 07:04 Okay. All right. Mats Furuli 07:06 In short, the order of longest books is shortest. Haley Simpkiss 07:10 I guess that's one way to do it. Mats Furuli 07:13 You know, the way you're supposed to read books. Christina Kann 07:18 Awesome. Haley, do you remember reading this for the first time? Haley Simpkiss 07:21 Not specifically, I don't think. I think that, you know, when my mom started reading the books to me -- because that was how I experienced the Harry Potter books for the first time was my mom read them out loud to me. And then it became like a tradition every time a new book would come out, we would sit on the couch and have popcorn and she would read through the whole thing, and I would usually rub her feet. And it was just a really beautiful experience. But when we first started it, I think the first three books were already out. Christina Kann 07:49 Right. Haley Simpkiss 07:49 I think three had just come out. Christina Kann 07:51 I really think that they were, for a while there, promoting them as a trilogy. And I think that's when literally our entire friend group pretty much picked them up, when that trilogy was being promoted. Haley Simpkiss 08:02 Right. So the fourth one is the one that I kind of remember going to buy for the first time. I remember a lot of specifics from number four -- just specific scenes. I remember my mom and I finally figuring out that her mind his name was not Hermy-own. Christina Kann 08:20 Yes. JK Voldemort had to write a scene explaining how to pronounce one of the main characters names. Mats Furuli 08:28 It's so good. Haley Simpkiss 08:30 You know, we didn't have the internet. The internet didn't work like that yet. We didn't know. Okay. Christina Kann 08:37 Also, I mean, Viktor Krum really likes Hermione, and he can't pronounce her name either. So like, I guess it doesn't really matter. She's pretty good natured about it. Haley Simpkiss 08:47 True. What about you, Christina? What was your first experience? Christina Kann 08:51 I have like flashes of reading this for the first time. I've definitely mentioned this on the podcast before, that I learned a lot of words from reading this book. And this is like the first one, I think, that was using vocabulary that was slightly beyond me. I certainly had never read a book this long before. I think this was actually a really helpful step up for me in terms of my reading level. It helped me feel like I could read bigger books with words that maybe I didn't know in it. Haley Simpkiss 09:22 I would agree with that. Christina Kann 09:24 Yeah, I love it. I do love this book. It's like so layered and beautiful. And every time I revisit it, I'm like, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!" I forgot because the movie had to leave out so much of this in a way that it didn't have to the first three. Haley Simpkiss 09:39 Yeah. Christina Kann 09:40 So here we are at the beginning. I'm almost afraid to get started. Haley Simpkiss 09:46 Do you have a point that you want to start with? Or, like, do you want like, do you want me to facilitate? Christina Kann 09:51 The first bullet point of my notes says, "Oh my god, it's the beginning." So that's where we are. Mats Furuli 09:58 That's a way better point than my first point, which is the lack of Oxford commas in this chapter fucking pisses me off. Christina Kann 10:04 Yeah, I did clock that as well. So this chapter starts in the Riddle House in Little Hangleton. It used to be like a nice manor, but it's dilapidated now. And Harry Potter is nowhere to be seen in this chapter until the very end. This is like a different book right now. And they give us the old legend that 50 years ago, the Riddle family's maid found the whole family mysteriously dead in the drawing room. Mats Furuli 10:35 Gasp! Christina Kann 10:36 What is the drawing room? Why is it called that? Is it for drawing?, Haley Simpkiss 10:41 Just gonna pop out my encyclopedia bullshit here. Mats Furuli 10:45 Ravenclaw! Haley Simpkiss 10:47 "Drawing" comes from "withdrawing." If you lived in a manor house, you had your parlor for formal after-dinner, like sitting down having your brandy and coffee. And then you had the withdrawing room, which was like, there's couches and the fire and you write letters there and you might have books. It's like the casual living room versus the formal living room. So that's what the drawing room is. Christina Kann 11:12 Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, thank you so much, Haley. I'm not surprised you know that. This Riddle family was very snobby and everyone hates them. But it's the mystery of this murder is why everyone is so obsessed with it. They were rich and shitty, and then they died mysteriously. So on the night when they died, the whole village is hanging out in the Hanged Man bar/pub. Haley Simpkiss 11:42 Yeah? Christina Kann 11:43 I don't like that! Any other name kinda. Mats Furuli 11:48 I mean, we are currently in a world in which the main school is called Hogwarts, which, you know, is kind of just the grossest fucking thing ever. Christina Kann 12:04 But it sounds funny. Mats Furuli 12:07 Nobody really knows what it is. Haley Simpkiss 12:10 Have you ever been to the UK? Like, every other pub is called like, the Crown and Rose or like the Rose or the Lion or something. So like, you got to you got to differentiate yourself somehow, man. Sometimes it's with a hanged guy. I don't know. "What do we have? We're England. What do we even have? Ummm hangings!" Christina Kann 12:31 The only thing that's ever happened in this town. So everyone's hanging out at the Hanged Man talking about like, what even happened? And the Riddle family's cook comes in to say that Frank Bryce, the gardener, has been arrested. They are debating about him. Is he nice? Is he rude? He really definitely is just an introvert with PTSD. Haley Simpkiss 12:59 Something I noticed reading this chapter that I would like to get your opinions on: I get Hobbit vibes from this chapter. Like the style of the writing, the way it's written. Christina Kann 13:09 Ooh, yeah. Haley Simpkiss 13:10 Or like the first chapter of Lord of the Rings where they're talking about, like the plans for Bilbo's birthday party and it's all ramping up. This is kind of that same tone of like, you're in an outside perspective, looking in on a sliver of this bigger adventure, but like from the perspectives of the neighbors, just like the boring, nosy neighbors. Mats Furuli 13:36 I didn't think about that. But yeah. Christina Kann 13:37 The cook has big Lobelia energy. Haley Simpkiss 13:40 Yeah, she does. She does have big Lobelia energy. Like if they called this pub the Green Dragon, I would be like, "Are we in the Shire?" These people sound like hobbits; they talk like hobbits. Christina Kann 13:52 What a better name for a pub. So the facts are thus: Frank is the only person who had a key to the house and there was no sign of forced entry. So in the end, the villagers -- the gossipers -- they create this narrative that he acts weird, so he's probably guilty. Because that's how small villages be. Haley Simpkiss 14:16 Small towns do be that way. Mats Furuli 14:18 Yep. Christina Kann 14:19 Yeah. So at this time, while this is going on, Frank is at the police station defending himself. He claimed that he saw a kid wandering around the property that night, but no one believes him. And like, frankly, it's not a very convincing fact. You know, it's like "What? Just a kid?" He just saw a kid. Haley Simpkiss 14:37 Yeah, but I live in a small town and it was a weird kid I've never seen before. So that's what I've got for ya. Christina Kann 14:43 Yeah. Mats Furuli 14:45 Can you like at least please look into it please, please, before you sentence sentence an innocent man to jail or death? Christina Kann 14:52 Right, the Hanged Man. Mats Furuli 14:55 The Hanged Man probably serves as a bar as well as an execution place. Christina Kann 15:01 Oh my god. Haley Simpkiss 15:02 I wouldn't be surprised. But if the guy in question is like weird and quiet, he's clearly guilty. Obviously. Mats Furuli 15:11 I'd be so fucked in 1920s Britain. Haley Simpkiss 15:14 Same. Christina Kann 15:16 So the only thing that really saves Frank in the end is the fact that like the autopsy comes back with nothing. It's like "You're completely fine, but you are dead, for sure. But like besides that, you're fine." Haley Simpkiss 15:29 I do love this line: They appear to be completely healthy despite being dead. "The doctors did note (as though determined to find something wrong with the bodies) that each of the Riddles had a look of terror upon his or her face." Weird. Christina Kann 15:48 I do like that parenthetical. Haley Simpkiss 15:51 Yeah. Christina Kann 15:52 So that's kind of that. So Frank, get -- he gets let go -- they let him go. Stupid sentence. He's free. He goes free. He didn't -- he -- there's no evidence that he did anything, including any evidence of literal murder other than dead bodies. So Frank just like stays there, and the house gets passed from owner to owner. But like no one wanted to live there, which I get. It seems scary. It became all dilapidated. And Frank just keeps living there. Haley Simpkiss 16:23 I had like a thought, just like a missed opportunity thought, when they're talking about like the people who lived there. "Neither family stayed long. Perhaps it was partly because of Frank that each new owner said there was a nasty feeling about the place." And like, were any of the Horcruxes hidden in the old rental house? Because-- Christina Kann 16:45 No! That's good though. Haley Simpkiss 16:48 It would have worked really well. That would have been a really good easter egg. Christina Kann 16:52 Oh, yeah. Maybe every time you walk into a building and get a weird feeling, it's because they're so Horcrux hidden there. Mats Furuli 16:58 Yeah. Haley Simpkiss 16:59 Or asbestos. One of the two. Mats Furuli 17:03 I kind of love the idea that the weird, creepy, horrible feeling comes from the fact that there is a Horcrux there. Christina Kann 17:13 Yeah. would have been good. I mean, and he had a lot to hide. Haley Simpkiss 17:16 Yeah. But, one of the ones that Dumbledore found -- like the maybe the ring was -- I don't remember. I don't remember. Christina Kann 17:25 The ring was in the Gaunts' house. Mats Furuli 17:26 Yeah, right. Haley Simpkiss 17:28 This would have been better. Christina Kann 17:29 This would have been better. Haley Simpkiss 17:30 Never mind. It's fine. It's fine. Christina Kann 17:31 And honestly, if he hid it in this house, it has a built in guard dog because Frank still is around protecting the place. Haley Simpkiss 17:40 Yeah. Christina Kann 17:41 That'd be funny. So then it cuts to present day, and Frank is old. It says he's very deaf, but then he eavesdrops the whole conversation, so he's not very deaf. Mats Furuli 17:52 Yeah. No. Christina Kann 17:54 He can be like, slightly hard of hearing, but he's definitely not very deaf. Unless he has -- oh my god. You know how in the Hobbit, one of the hobbits has like a listening horn, an ear trumpet! That's what they're called. Haley Simpkiss 18:07 It's just never mentioned, but he is carrying it through this whole thing. Mats Furuli 18:13 Doesn't one of the headmaster portraits in Dumbledore's office have one of those? Christina Kann 18:19 Oh, my God. That is such a small detail. I cannot believe that you remember that? But of course, Haley remembers. Haley Simpkiss 18:27 Which movie is that? I remember what you're talking about. But like, which movie is that? Mats Furuli 18:30 I don't even know if it's a movie. Haley Simpkiss 18:32 Well, I remember it visually. It might also be in the book, but I feel like I remember seeing it. Christina Kann 18:40 That's the kind of tiny cute thing that someone would pull for the movie. You know, since we're animating a bunch of old dudes anyway, throw an ear horn in there. It's magical. That's where they got the technology to start developing the Extendable Ears in the next book. Haley Simpkiss 18:54 There you go. Christina Kann 18:55 Frank just lives on the property kind of gardening? Probably just mostly grumping around with his cane. Haley Simpkiss 19:01 Honestly, goals. Christina Kann 19:03 Yeah. This would be your life. Haley Simpkiss 19:06 Yes, it would I want this job. Mats Furuli 19:08 Just like stumbling around in your bog. Haley Simpkiss 19:12 If I can't get a bog I want to be a reclusive gardener. Either's fine. There's mention of -- there's a wealthy new owner who continues to pay Frank to do the gardening. And as far as anyone knows, he keeps the property for tax reasons. Do we think that's Dumbledore? Do we think Dumbledore bought Tom Riddle's dad's house? Christina Kann 19:35 That would have been really amazing if there was a Horcrux hidden inside. Haley Simpkiss 19:44 A wealthy, mysterious owner who keeps it for quote-unquote tax reasons. Doesn't that sound like the kind of bullshit lie that wizards would come up with? "We're not even really trying but you're not gonna question it." Christina Kann 19:53 Yeah, like "I don't really know a lot about muggles, but I know they for sure do taxes. Those sound terrble." Haley Simpkiss 20:00 At the end of this book, Dumbledore does have a paper from Little Hangleton. He pays attention to what was going on in the area. I think Dumbledore owns the house. Christina Kann 20:11 Interesting. I like that interpretation. I just thought it was someone who was trying to like claim residency in like a certain -- What are they called? What are what is Britain ... like divided into? Is it territories? Is it counties? Counties seems like a British thing. Haley Simpkiss 20:29 I know that counties are a thing in Ireland Christina Kann 20:31 Principalities? 20:33 No, it's not principalities. Principalities are ruled by princes. No, I think it might be counties. Christina Kann 20:42 Okay. I forget what the whole rest of the sentence was until I got confused about the word "counties." Let's move on. The village is shitty about the house. They harass Frank and they fuck up his gardening and they break into the house and they light things on fire. And so when he wakes up in the middle of the night one night and he sees that there's lights on in the Riddle House, he just assumes that it's more asshole muggle kids playing pranks. He's a worthy opponent for a bunch of teenagers playing pranks. Haley Simpkiss 21:20 Yeah. damn kids. If only. If only it actually was the damn kids. Mats Furuli 21:25 Yeah, fucking Voldemort. Spoiler! All spoilers all the time! It's Voldemort. Christina Kann 21:31 It is. It is fucking Voldemort. Mats Furuli 21:32 It do be Voldemort. Haley Simpkiss 21:35 It do be Voldemort. Mats Furuli 21:38 When Harry's just like, "I think my scar is hurting. I think something's going on," most of the time it do indeed be Voldemort. Haley Simpkiss 21:47 I feel like that's most of like books four and five particularly. "What's going on?" It do be Voldemort. Christina Kann 21:54 It do be Voldemort. Because at the end of book five, it becomes public knowledge that he's out there. So he has to become like more subtle. Haley Simpkiss 22:03 The Daily Prophet headline the next day after they finally admit it: "IT DO BE VOLDEMORT." Christina Kann 22:16 They fired Rita Skeeter and had to get the interns stuff and they were like, "This is the best headline I could come up with." Mats Furuli 22:23 Oh my god. Haley Simpkiss 22:24 It gets the point across. So yeah, yeah. He thinks it's teenagers lighting fires, like they do. And it's not. Christina Kann 22:32 It's not. It is not. Frank says "fuck the police" since he's still mad that they interrogated him one time 50 years ago... for a crime that it did kind of look like he might have committed. Yeah, so he's like, "I'm not gonna call the police. I'm gonna like go kick these kids out myself." He lets himself into the house and then he sneaks up the stairs. Baby. Please stop. Go back, please. Haley Simpkiss 23:02 There is a line-- You know how sometimes you'll read something and a line from it will just like stick with you? Just like get in your head? Where he's going up the stairs and it says he's he's "blessing the dust" that's muffling his footsteps. I don't know why that line has always stuck with me. But I I don't know. It's just been in my head since I was like nine. Mats Furuli 23:25 It's been in my head since like, yesterday when I started reading this chapter to prepare. But yes, that is something that I clocked as well, but only on this reading. Haley Simpkiss 23:34 It's just an it's just an interesting line. Mats Furuli 23:37 Yeah. Christina Kann 23:38 Yeah, it is interesting. Haley Simpkiss 23:39 Weird way to phrase it. Christina Kann 23:42 But I do, a lot of the time, reading through Harry Potter, come across lines where it's just like "I recognize you specifically." You know what I mean? Like "This sentence for sure. I know this one." Haley Simpkiss 23:52 Yep. Christina Kann 23:54 I've been here before. It's the opposite of the Gandalf meme. Haley Simpkiss 23:58 I have a memory of this place. Christina Kann 24:00 I have a memory of this place. I have up to 15 memories of this place. So in the room, two men are speaking. One of them has a normal voice and then the other one has a scary, evil-maybe-sounding voice. "A cold, high-pitched voice," which I have a really hard time envisioning until I saw Puffs. Because the Voldemort in Puffs has a voice like Him from Powerpuff Girls. The Voldemort in the movies, I think because they need you to take them seriously, doesn't really have that kind of voice. Haley Simpkiss 24:36 Because the guy in Puffs was doing a honestly better impression of what Ray -- Ray Fiennes? I think Ray Fiennes did a good job. But the dude in Puffs, even though he was hamming it up, that's kind of what I was envisioning. Because it's not so much high pitched as it's just really thin and breathy. Mats Furuli 25:00 Yeah. Christina Kann 25:00 Yeah, like like Marilyn Monroe Haley Simpkiss 25:02 Like he's fucked up his vocal cords in hearing it like weird, magical experiments on himself or something. Christina Kann 25:10 In the right context, it's funny to hear like that kind of voice. But if you were in genuine danger, and you heard that voice it would be incredibly chilling. Haley Simpkiss 25:19 Yeah. Mats Furuli 25:19 Voldemort is like the most dramatic wizard, so yeah. Haley Simpkiss 25:23 Yeah, in a society that is, as we've established many a time, all about the drama. Mats Furuli 25:27 Hell yeah! I was so badly hoping we'd get to do that. Haley Simpkiss 25:31 Oh Mats, I would never let you down. Of course, I was gonna do it. Mats Furuli 25:35 Oh, hell yeah. Christina Kann 25:37 Voldemort is like way more dramatic than even Dumbledore. When we get to the end of this book, he is like, "Excuse me while I monologue for four straight chapters." Haley Simpkiss 25:50 Yeah. Christina Kann 25:51 And then he does it. Haley Simpkiss 25:52 Yeah! He has a captive audience! He has a literal captive audience! It's a 14-year-old boy, but you know. Mats Furuli 26:00 You sly dog, you caught me monologuing. Christina Kann 26:05 Okay, these two people, these two dudes, are talking about some things that Frank doesn't really understand. He is like, "My ears must be full of ear wax because what the fuck is Quidditch?" So he's listening to this stuff without any context. They're planning something. They're gonna wait until after the Quidditch Cup. They need to do something that requires this dude, Harry Potter, whoever the fuck that guy is. Um, lots of murder talk. There's lots of murder talk for sure. Like undeniable murder talk. Haley Simpkiss 26:39 Just casual murder talk, you know, like to do with your bro. Christina Kann 26:42 In front of the fireplace. Mats Furuli 26:44 I mean, sometimes we do talk a lot of murder but that's usually specifically when we're playing Fuck, Marry, Kill. Haley Simpkiss 26:53 Oh, true. Yeah. Yeah. Christina Kann 26:56 Or like a video game, just like murder murder. Haley Simpkiss 27:00 Now I'm just picturing for the Death Eaters playing Fuck, Marry, Kill. Oh, that would be a very dark version of that game. Extremely fucked up and dark version of that game. Christina Kann 27:12 I'm trying to even remember -- like, none of the Death Eaters are even remotely sexy except for Bellatrix Lestrange and Daddy Malfoy. My honey. In this moment, Frank is like "I'm sorry that I said fuck the police. I think I actually would like some police at this time. Cuz there's a lot of murder talk." Haley Simpkiss 27:35 *snottily* Um, why doesn't he just call them with his cell phone? Christina Kann 27:41 Frank would never. Haley Simpkiss 27:43 He doesn't-- they don't exist yet. It is the 90s Christina Kann 27:47 True. But also Frank would never. Haley Simpkiss 27:48 Also Frank would never, also he doesn't own a phone. Christina Kann 27:51 Like don't call me. Mats Furuli 27:52 Yeah, it was specified in this chapter that he does not in fact, own a phone. Christina Kann 27:56 Yeah, that's true. Haley Simpkiss 27:56 He doesn't even have a landline, which I respect. Christina Kann 28:00 No, you have to be able to call for help. Haley Simpkiss 28:02 No, no, he's a strong, independent, elderly man and he don't need no assistance from anybody ever for any reasons. Mats Furuli 28:10 Except the fact that he's apparently very deaf. Christina Kann 28:13 Honestly, you know what Frank needs? Does he have a cat? Does it mention that? Frank needs a pet; he needs an emotional support pet. But one that doesn't need him very much. But like a fat little cat would love plomping around the garden with him and then just like chilling out at night. Like "I don't really need to snuggle you but like I'm here if you need to talk." Haley Simpkiss 28:32 Yeah, but then the cat would be alone after this. Christina Kann 28:35 Cats figure it out. They would have gotten out and just like lived in the garden eating bugs forever. What a joyful life or a little fat rompy garden cat. Haley Simpkiss 28:44 You're very emotionally attached to this hypothetical cat. Christina Kann 28:48 Imagine the adorable way in which Frank Bryce would love a cat that respected boundaries. Haley Simpkiss 28:54 You know what cat Frank Bryce should have and would love? Penny. Your cat Penny. Christina Kann 28:59 Yeah, exactly. Just eat this little bug. Roll around in this little plant. Mats Furuli 29:04 I thought you were about to say Bustopher Jones from Cats (2019). Christina Kann 29:13 Okay, where the fuck were we? Haley Simpkiss 29:16 We're talking murder. Everyone's talking murder. Something about Frank having a cat. Oh, Frank doesn't have a phone. But he should have a cat. And yes, we're talking murder. Christina Kann 29:27 Thank you so much, Haley. Haley Simpkiss 29:28 You're very welcome. Christina Kann 29:29 So Frank's like, "I'm gonna go to the police." But then Nagini, the giant snake, is like "Wait, I'm a giant snake and I would like to slither past you." Haley Simpkiss 29:36 *I'm a snake impression* Mats Furuli 29:38 *better I'm a snake impression* Haley Simpkiss 29:41 Oh, you're too good at that. Christina Kann 29:45 Man, I listened to a YouTube recording of someone reading this book today, this chapter, and it was like really, really, really bad. Like the reading was bad. And I won't say who it was obviously, but there's a lot of really excellent ones on YouTube. But this person reading pronounced it in "nah-genie." Mats Furuli 30:04 I hate that. Christina Kann 30:05 It was like they were just like reading a foreign language. They were like "I definitely know the sounds to make, but I'm not sure the meaning that exists in these words." It was very funny to me. Nah-genie really stuck with me. Haley Simpkiss 30:17 All I can think is it sounds like nagina. I don't know what that is. I don't know what a nagina would be. Christina Kann 30:25 I was waiting for you to explain to me what that was. Mats Furuli 30:29 It sounds like snake genitals. Haley Simpkiss 30:33 It would be a cloaca. Mats Furuli 30:34 A magical cloaco is what nagina is. It always comes back to cloacas. Haley Simpkiss 30:42 It's cloacas all the way down, God dammit. Mats Furuli 30:46 "Cloacas All the Way Down" written by John Green. Haley Simpkiss 30:50 He would. Mats Furuli 30:50 I was contemplating putting in my notes "Does Peter Pettigrew have a cloaca?" just to be able to bring cloacas up. Haley Simpkiss 31:06 He doesn't but we got there in the end on our own just fine. Christina Kann 31:09 We got there organically. Cloacas do come up organically a lot. This isn't even the first time I've talked about cloacas today because Sean and I in the car earlier were talking about-- well, we were talking about duck penises. Mats Furuli 31:24 Wonderful. Haley Simpkiss 31:27 Those are also very upsetting. So Nagina and her nagina slither into the room. Christina Kann 31:33 Yeah, so Frank is like, "This snake's gonna kill me." But Nagini's like "Don't even worry about it" and just goes right past. But then Nagini ostensibly tattletales on Frank for being in the hallways. Haley Simpkiss 31:46 Snitches get stitches. Christina Kann 31:47 Yeah. Snitches get hisses. Haley Simpkiss 31:52 Boo. Christina Kann 31:53 Thank you. So Wormtail opens the door and it's like, "Come on inside." And then Frank has some words for the armchair. My notes are really stupid for this section. And then Frank is like, "Face me like a man!" And then Lord Voldemort turns around. Mats Furuli 32:15 He pulls off his helmet, reveals that is in fact, Eowyn. *singing* It was Eowyn all along. Christina Kann 32:28 It do be Voldemort. Frank doesn't like what he sees, to say the least. Mats Furuli 32:37 Shocker. Christina Kann 32:38 And then there's a flash of green light. And then our boy Frank dies. Haley Simpkiss 32:43 Oof. Mats Furuli 32:44 RIP. Christina Kann 32:44 Yeah, RIP. Haley Simpkiss 32:45 Yep. Christina Kann 32:46 "Two hundred miles away, the boy called Harry Potter awoke with a start." Mats Furuli 32:50 And that's the end of the episode. Hopefully not... Christina Kann 32:55 Honestly, at the end of that chapter, I'm like, "Oh, God, this was a really cool story. Do we have to go back to that Harry already?" Haley Simpkiss 33:01 I know. Because you know the next chapter is gonna be "He was a very unusual boy. And for more than one reason!" Christina Kann 33:11 Tune in next week for our thrilling coverage of that chapter. Oh, actually Sam O'Brien, host of Content and Capable, is going to be on that episode. So it'll probably be super fun anyway. Haley Simpkiss 33:26 He'll make it fun. Mats Furuli 33:27 I'm very much looking forward to that. Christina Kann 33:29 Yeah. Dang. I'm actually kind of surprised that we got through this chapter so quickly. Haley Simpkiss 33:34 I mean, we could talk a little bit about like, more and more in detail of what Wormtail and Voldemort were talking about, with like Bertha Jorkins and everything. Christina Kann 33:42 Yeah, I did skim over most of that. Because really, it's just like, "Get ready for the rest of this book. Here's the events that are to come." Haley Simpkiss 33:51 Yeah. First of all, after being a rat for 13 straight years, how does Peter Pettigrew pick up a lady? Because I feel like he didn't have game to begin with? Mats Furuli 34:03 Yeah, that's in my notes as well. I don't think he has a wand at this point. So... Haley Simpkiss 34:10 Yeah, so so no, he must have charmed her. Mats Furuli 34:14 Yeah. Haley Simpkiss 34:15 But like how? Christina Kann 34:19 He literally was just like, "Yo, Bertha, it's me Peter Pettigrew. You thought I was dead. But like, we went to school together. Isn't it crazy that we're both in this place? Let's talk a little bit." And she's just a friendly idiot, which like, relatable. So I would be like, "Yeah! I knew you when we were kids. Let's go have dinner or whatever." Haley Simpkiss 34:38 She might have even forgotten that he was supposed to be dead because her memory is all fucked up from getting her memory modified so badly. Christina Kann 34:46 Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, rough. It's so rough. Haley Simpkiss 34:49 Yeah, it's a bad time. Mats Furuli 34:50 I forgot about the timeline. But yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, seriously, having your brain messed up by memory charm is like the only way that I can think of that Peter Pettigrew might possibly be able to seduce someone. Haley Simpkiss 35:07 Yeah, how? How? That's all I'm asking. How? Christina Kann 35:11 Wait, are we assuming that he seduced her? Or are we reading between the lines that he seduced her? Haley Simpkiss 35:17 He got a woman to leave a bar with him while she was on vacation. Christina Kann 35:23 I'm just telling you some people are just trusting. Mats Furuli 35:26 I would still not trust someone who looked like Peter fucking Pettigrew. Christina Kann 35:31 He is, like, really rough in the movies for sure. Mats Furuli 35:33 Yeah, maybe I'm just like, seeing Timothy Spall, but like-- Christina Kann 35:38 I think that's the idea, though. Haley Simpkiss 35:40 I mean, he's described I think in the books as being more milquetoast, just a very normal -- like, if he wasn't a wizard and a turncoat spy thing, he would look like a mailman. Christina Kann 35:54 I was gonna say like the energy vampire from What We Do in the Shadows. Mats Furuli 35:58 Yeah, yeah. Christina Kann 35:59 What's his name? Do we know? Haley Simpkiss 36:00 Do we know? Christina Kann 36:01 Welp, doesn't matter. Haley Simpkiss 36:02 No, he has a name. Christina Kann 36:03 He definitely has a name. I just don't remember what it is. It's probably something like Mark or like Michael or something. clip 36:07 My name is Colin Robinson. And I am what's known as a psychic vampire, or energy vampire. Haley Simpkiss 36:15 Yeah, something as made in a lab to be as forgettable as humanly possible. Sorry to all of the Mikes that we're friends with. All eight thousand of you. Christina Kann 36:28 Okay, anything else we want to touch on before we wrap up this chapter? I do like what you said about it being a hobbity because it is hoppity. Haley Simpkiss 36:36 Yeah, just in tone. I mean, like more dark. Christina Kann 36:40 Yeah, but the beginning for sure was very hobbity. Mats Furuli 36:44 I have a note that I was contemplating just leaving out because it's so long, on the topic of Peter Pettigrew's hitherto unknown abilities. I feel like a lot of people shit on Peter -- a lot of people seem to think that he's a really terrible wizard. Like, he does have some magical prowess. Like he outsmarts and out-magics Sirius Black when he is confronted on the street. He's able to blow up the street, and he cuts off his finger in order to fake his own death, which is extremely cunning. The fact that he's able to blow up the street, killing 12 people, with his wand behind his back, before Sirius is able to react, is kind of impressive. He's also the person, I think -- possibly with help -- but I think mostly Peter Pettigrew was the person who brewed the potion that allowed Voldemort to regain a temporary body, the body that we see in this chapter, as well as the potion that got Voldemort his full body. Haley Simpkiss 38:10 Yeah, I mean, you could say if he's receiving instruction on that, it doesn't count. But also, Harry and his whole class, whenever they are in Snape's class, are receiving instruction the entire time, and they still managed to fuck up pretty frequently. And this is like some Restricted Section -- heyyyyyy Restricted Section! This is one of those Restricted Section fucked-up potions that are really complicated. So I think you're onto something. Mats Furuli 38:13 You could argue that a lot of the reason why people fuck up in Snape's class is the fact that Snape is a really terrifying person. But so is fucking Voldemort. Like Voldemort is more terrifying. So I feel like the risk of fucking up under Voldemort's supervision is way bigger than under Snape's. And also, I could be getting the timeline wrong, but I think Wormtail must have been the person who brewed the Polyjuice Potion for Barty Crouch Jr. because it takes a month to make. I don't think Barty Crouch Jr. would have come back to Voldemort in time to brew that potion. Haley Simpkiss 39:26 I think Barty was making his own on the sly because Snape does accuse Harry of stealing Polyjuice Potion ingredients again, because he's like, "I know it was you. I can't prove it. But I fucking know it was you the first time two years ago and I know it's you now" and Harry's like, "I genuinely do not know what you're talking about." Christina Kann 39:49 ...This time. Haley Simpkiss 39:50 This time. Mats Furuli 39:52 He was transformed into Mad-Eye Moody when he got to Hogwarts, so there must have been at least some amount of Polyjuice Potion. Haley Simpkiss 40:04 Yeah, yeah, you're right. Mats Furuli 40:06 There's also the fact that he was able -- I mean, he was getting help, but like -- he was able to becoming an animagus at fucking 15 years old. We keep hearing from Sirius and Voldemort that he's this complete fucking dumbass. But other than like maybe the fact that he did fuck up the question on his OWLs about werewolf signs despite the fact that he is actively running around with a werewolf every fucking full moon -- other than that, I don't think we really see, at least to me, any convincing evidence that Peter Pettigrew is that big of a dumbass. He seems like he's pretty good at magic in general and also extremely cunning. I fucking hate Peter Pettigrew. He's the absolute worst. Insert Jean-Ralphio "The Worst" clip. clip 41:03 The woooOOOooooOOOoooOoOoOOooorst. Mats Furuli 41:07 People should be getting giving him more credit when it comes to magical prowess. Christina Kann 41:13 I guess when he spends 12 years as a rat, he just becomes so deeply pathetic during that time, like cowardly and pathetic, that it's like whatever skill he has, it's like "You're still just an absolute piece of shit." Haley Simpkiss 41:30 Yeah, I think you're right Mats. I do think that he's a lot more talented than most people assume. But that kind of just makes him very easy to underestimate. Christina Kann 41:46 I was just gonna say that's like, his whole thing is that people were underestimating him the whole time. And also to this very day. Mats Furuli 41:53 He's like a dark-side Neville Longbottom. Haley Simpkiss 41:55 Oh, yeah. Christina Kann 41:58 Yeah. Haley Simpkiss 41:59 It sounds like his main issue was honestly confidence. Mats Furuli 42:03 Other than the fact that he's a shitty person, but you know. Haley Simpkiss 42:05 Well, I mean, also that. His issue internally that leads him to "Well, okay, I just need to find the most powerful friends possible because I suck." Mats Furuli 42:16 Yeah. Haley Simpkiss 42:16 But I don't know. It kind of sounds like it didn't need to fucking go this way, dude, but you made purchases. Have fun living as a rat and then working for this dude. Christina Kann 42:26 Yeah. Mats Furuli 42:27 12 years of it! In Ratskaban. Christina Kann 42:34 Oh my god. Okay, great. Well, let's move on. Let's wrap it on up. Before we get into plugs, I would like to invite all of our beloved listeners to consider signing up for our Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can be part of our Discord community, which is very, very fun, and Haley and Mats and I are all there very consistently, so come chat nerd shit with us. You can also get access to our bonus episodes on our Patreon. This month's bonus episode is going to cover My Immortal, the mysterious and legendary Harry Potter fanfiction. Mats Furuli 43:12 Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm so excited for it. Haley Simpkiss 43:16 I started reading and sort of rereading. It's a bad time. Christina Kann 43:20 Catch Haley on that episode. It's gonna be really fun. Haley Simpkiss 43:24 *clearly in pain* Yep, it will. Christina Kann 43:26 Yeah, so head over to our Patreon to get access to that. The link is in the show notes. Haley, would you like to tell people where they can find you on the internet? Haley Simpkiss 43:35 I would like to tell people where they can find me on the internet. Thank you for not letting me forget this time. I'm Haley. You can hear my dulcet tones on Sundays with the Movie Night Crew just talking shit about movies. Not even talking shit. Sometimes talking shit, and then sometimes just critical analysis, but it's a lot of talking shit. And you can find me on Twitter if you must @thewrit_towit. And my plug for this week -- I'm gotta be super creative and plug Bo Burnham's Inside. It's on Netflix. If you choose to watch it, and you are a person who has ever struggled with mental health, just be careful, hydrate, have tissues on hand, and maybe have someone you can talk to afterwards because at least one line, probably more, is going to rip your actual soul out. But it's very well done. Mats Furuli 44:37 Like a dementor. Christina Kann 44:40 I was gonna say, a finishing move. Mats Furuli 44:44 Finish him! Christina Kann 44:44 Thank you so much for that glowing recommendation, Haley. Haley Simpkiss 44:47 You're welcome. Christina Kann 44:48 Mats, where can people find you on the internet? Mats Furuli 44:50 Yeah, so I'm on Twitter and Instagram. My handle for both is @mdotfur. Christina Kann 44:59 Do you have anything you've watched or read or listened to or done recently that you would like to recommend to our listeners? Mats Furuli 45:07 Yeah, I actually have two plugs, and I'll try to keep these plugs kind of brief. Christina Kann 45:14 Mats did ask permission to bring two plugs before we recorded. Very respectful. Mats Furuli 45:22 Yeah, so weirdly, the thing that I'm always the most nervous about when it comes to recording podcast episodes, is whenever I have to actually plug something. I feel like I'm really bad at talking about the things that I love and why I love them. So that's always kind of nerve-wracking. So, of course, I had to make myself do it twice today. So you know. Haley Simpkiss 45:52 We did establish earlier that you like torturing yourself. Mats Furuli 45:54 That is true. That is very true. Christina Kann 45:57 This is a safe space to just share your plugs and like don't even worry about it. Mats Furuli 46:01 Great. Okay. Yeah. So my first plug is a book series called The Kingkiller Chronicles. It's a hard one to describe and make it sound like it's actually a compelling series. If I were to describe the plot, it would probably sound something along the lines of "Young boy goes to school, tries to get into a library." His biggest goal for the entire first book is to get into a library, but he can't. That's more or less the entire plot of the first book. The first book is called the Name of the Wind, by the way. I think one of the big reasons why I love the book so much, or the series, is the fact that it's set in this Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones-esque magical world, but it's such a tiny and contained story. It's a really small story, so you really get to know the characters in that story. But so much of the world on a geographical basis is unexplored and it allows for so many potential future series, and I'm really excited. I'm so excited for book three to come out. Christina Kann 47:25 Hell yeah, Haley and I have both read -- well, I read the Name of the Wind, but you read both of them, Haley. Haley Simpkiss 47:31 I have a first printing of the second book that I got signed by Patrick Rothfuss. Mats Furuli 47:38 No way. Wow, I'm so fucking jealous. I recently just got a really beautiful cover or like, copy, of the two books. And like I posted pictures of those on Instagram. They're just the prettiest things I've ever seen in my life. Christina Kann 48:04 They were very beautiful. Mats Furuli 48:05 And really expensive! I think getting my hands on both of the books would cost me about $500. So yeah, that is money that I don't currently possess. Christina Kann 48:14 Those are books that you put in a glass case out for people to gaze at as they walk past. Mats Furuli 48:19 Exactly. I would never opened ever in my life. Yeah, so my second plug is a D&D action play series called Dimension 20. Often when people talk about really great D&D series or shows, it's in audio, podcast format. And you can listen to some of it on a podcast. But I will say, by far the best experience is to watch it on -- some of it is on YouTube. But all of it -- and I believe it's completely uncensored -- is on College Humor's streaming service, Dropout. It's really great. Yeah, it costs money, but it's honestly so worth it. But one of the series is called Fantasy High. It's basically if you took every John Hughes eighties rom com, but everything was fantasy, magical, and it's just absolutely wonderful and delightful. Another is called A Crowd of Candy. It's basically Game of Thrones, but everything is made of food. So the like royal family is made of candy and they're like-- Christina Kann 48:21 Oh my god, like Princess Vanellope from Wreck-It Ralph. Mats Furuli 49:51 Exactly. It's delightful. Christina Kann 49:54 Or Princess Bubblegum. Haley Simpkiss 49:56 No, it's it's Vanellope from Wreck-It Ralph, Princess Bubblegum is Adventure Time. Christina Kann 50:02 Yeah. I was saying as an additional example. Okay. Mats Furuli 50:06 And yeah, another is a really short series, but it's called Tiny Heist. It's basically Toy Story meets Ocean's 11, which is like two of my favorite movies ever. Christina Kann 50:19 You said Tiny Heist? Mats Furuli 50:21 Yeah. Haley Simpkiss 50:22 Oh my god. Christina Kann 50:22 I love that so much. Haley Simpkiss 50:24 Those are all really cool premises. Christina Kann 50:26 Yeah, that sounds very creative. Mats Furuli 50:29 One that finished recently is called, I believe, Misfits and Magic. Basically, four American teenagers attend a Hogwarts-esque wizard school as foreign exchange students. And it takes place in a world in which the Harry Potter series exists. And it's just the best people ever. And yeah, I highly recommend it. Christina Kann 50:59 Hell yeah. Thank you so much. So I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on twitter @christinakann. I also have another Twitter called @booksoocontext, where I post lines from books out of context. I started out while I was reading Percy Jackson, because there's a lot of really good ones. You can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. This week, I'd like to recommend a graphic novel that I read over the summer called Bloom, written by Kevin Panetta and illustrated by Savannah Ganucheau. It's a very cute little graphic novel about two boys who fall in love in a bakery. It's just like a really wholesome, YA romance. I love it so much. It's so sweet and mellow. So buy it from your local bookstore, maybe. And our local bookstore here is Fountain Bookstore, and I think you can order through the mail from them if you would like to support our beloved local bookstore. Haley, thank you so much for being here with me today on this very first episode of the Goblet of Fire. Haley Simpkiss 52:21 Happy to be here. Christina Kann 52:22 Yeah. And Mats, thank you for joining us. It is a pleasure as always when you're here. Mats Furuli 52:26 Aw, thank you so much for having me. It's been a great time and I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I will not be able to join you for another chapter for about a book and a half. So... Christina Kann 52:39 Well, you were on like two episodes ago, so I'm sure we'll find a way to make it happen. Mats Furuli 52:44 I can't wait. Christina Kann 52:45 And as a reminder, if you haven't watched Puffs and listen to our summer episode that covered Puffs, you absolutely should. That's my other plug. My followup plug. Haley Simpkiss 52:53 Yeah, I'll second that plug. Christina Kann 52:58 Alright gang, I gotta go finish reading Gardening for Muggles before this book spontaneously combust! Bye.
SPEAKERS
Mary-Peyton Crook, Brooke Matherly, Grace Ball, Siri, Christina Kann Christina Kann 00:24 Hello and welcome to The Restricted Section. We are a raunchy, rowdy, rambling, unabashedly pro trans rights Harry Potter book club podcast hosted by a bunch of millennial nihilistic assholes who are desperately clinging to childhood fantasy as a way to escape the monotony of our nine-to-five work culture and the inevitable extinction of the human race at our own hands. Isn't it wild that this book series was spontaneously created by the gods and has no actual author? Welcome to the show! Mary-Peyton Crook 00:58 Wow. Am I in therapy right now? Brooke Matherly 01:01 Did you write that? Surely you wrote that. Christina Kann 01:04 I wrote that. Grace Ball 01:05 That was beautiful. Brooke Matherly 01:06 You know, that was like really good. You should consider writing more. Have you thought about being a writer at all? Christina Kann 01:11 No. Actually, you're the first person who's ever said that to me. Brooke Matherly 01:14 I think you have a hidden talent here. Christina Kann 01:16 Whoa, okay. Wait, I'll think about that, actually, for a little while. I'll think about it. It is my supreme honor to be joined today by my assiduous friend Grace! Say hello to the listeners, Grace. Grace Ball 01:26 Hello, listeners. Christina Kann 01:28 It is my most delicious privilege to be joined as well by my astute buddy Brooke. Say hello to the listeners, Brooke. Brooke Matherly 01:35 I'm so excited that you came up with new adjectives for this season. Christina Kann 01:38 I wrote them ahead of time and they all mean things that actually describe you. Mary-Peyton Crook 01:44 Delicious. Christina Kann 01:47 And, last but never least, it is my most excellent pleasure to be joined by my sardonic pal, Mary-Peyton! Say hello to the listeners, Mary-Peyton. Mary-Peyton Crook 01:55 You really nailed it. Hello! Christina Kann 01:56 Hey, we're here! We're recording! I've truly missed this podcast so much. I do think breaks are important, but you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And I'm more excited about this podcast than I've ever been in this moment. So thank you guys so much for joining me today. We're doing a little bit of a Goblet of Fire introduction. Not that anyone really needs an introduction. A little bit of like a mail bag, owl mail, Ask Me Anything, just doing a whole lot of hyping up. Brooke Matherly 02:30 We're here to guzzle from the goblet baby. Christina Kann 02:33 Yeah, we're just guzzling over here. I'm like actively burping from my Moscow mule as I'm trying to get that line out. So, before we go any further, some housekeeping stuff from over the summer: We have a couple of new patrons that deserve a shoutout. We're super grateful for our patrons. We love them so much. So this one's for you, Anna and Foster. They're awesome. We met them both on our Discord server after they signed up. And we're just like, so grateful to have them as part of our community. So thank you Anna, thank you Foster, for supporting the podcast. It's because of you that we can do cool things, like this season, we're going to start posting transcriptions of every episode to make them more accessible to people who are hard of hearing. Mary-Peyton Crook 03:16 Awesome. Brooke Matherly 03:18 Wait wait wait, who reported they had a hard time hearing your voice? Christina Kann 03:24 Nobody, I'm doing it preemptively. Our patrons help us be able to do really awesome things like that. Speaking of the Patreon, please join us! Support our efforts to be as inclusive as possible by becoming a patron. You can find that link in the show notes. Alright, that's quite enough. We have some really awesome emails from listeners, we have some questions from some of our patrons, and I also have some discussion topics as well. But before we get started, Grace, Mary-Peyton, I know you've read this book a lot. I have also read it a lot. I just wanted to start with getting Brooke's one-minute summary of the Goblet of Fire. Are you up for that, babe? Brooke Matherly 04:08 Oh, boy. Okay. All right, hold on. Grace Ball 04:11 If anyone can do this, it's Brooke. Christina Kann 04:13 Hey, Siri, set a timer for one minute. Siri 04:16 One minute counting down. Brooke Matherly 04:20 Okay, so this . . . Oh, Lord. This book, I haven't read in ages. So this is gonna be primarily me describing the movie, which I have seen far more often, to you. But it's generally that we all arrive at Hogwarts and Dumbledore's like "Hey, spoiler alert: this year, someone else is gonna die. Hey, just kidding. Um, no, seriously, people could die this year. We're doing a whole-ass tournament." And after like a lot of like male ego posturing, the other schools show up. Apparently in all the magical world, there's like one French school full of chicks and there's like one Bulgarian school full of dudes. I already fucked up because I missed the entire beginning where we take a portkey to the whole-ass broom-flying -- Quidditch, that's the word. Man, I'm rusty. Christina Kann 05:07 Ten seconds. Brooke Matherly 05:08 And Death Eater show up and they like burn that ish to the ground. Okay, so now we're back at school, right? Christina Kann 05:13 Four seconds. Brooke Matherly 05:14 We're like, okay, we're gonna do this whole tournament, we do the tournament. Harry gets stuck in a maze. All of a sudden, he's trying to kiss a girl. No, nevermind. It's Cedric, Cedric's dead, oh, my God, MY BOY!!! Christina Kann 05:24 Well done. Grace Ball 05:25 I think that was pretty good. Christina Kann 05:26 Yeah, that was one minute. Thank you so much. That's really important context for this episode and for our listeners moving forward. Brooke, do you remember reading this book for the first time? Brooke Matherly 05:37 Yes. This was the first book where I was old enough and caught up enough with this series where I had been like actually reading along that I got to go to a midnight book release. This was my first Harry Potter midnight book release. Christina Kann 05:49 And they were like, "Here, child, have some trauma." Grace Ball 05:52 And you said, "Thank you very much. I'll take it." Brooke Matherly 05:55 I said, "I'm going to stay up and not sleep and not eat anything until I've read this book." Grace Ball 05:59 And this is the first long one. So that was a real commitment. Christina Kann 06:03 It is 730 something pages. Brooke Matherly 06:07 I mean, it's honestly a good thing that this book came after the books had already gotten successful. Because could you imagine trying to convince a publisher to publish a 700? page? children's book? Christina Kann 06:19 No, I mean, hard no. At Brandylane, we automatically reject manuscripts of a certain length. Grace Ball 06:27 We'll check the word count, and then if it's too high, we say "Sorry!" Christina Kann 06:30 Sorry, we just can't. Awesome. So Mary-Peyton, do you remember reading this for the first time? How do you feel about this book? Where does it rank for you? Mary-Peyton Crook 06:42 Yeah. Well, whenever someone asks me which is my favorite book, I always say the seventh one, because it wraps everything up. It's so dark. It's so good. But that one I like because it's like the ending one. It makes sense that that is my favorite of the series. This one really is my favorite book on its own. And yeah, I definitely remember reading this for the first time. Of all the books, I think I remember this one the most going to the book release, and the book was huge, like double the size of the one before -- maybe -- wait, how many--? Do we know how many pages--? Christina Kann 07:17 I think it is possibly like almost three times as long as the previous one. It is absolutely double Book Three. Mary-Peyton Crook 07:25 Which was just the most exciting thing for me as a kid who was just obsessed with reading anyways. Christina Kann 07:31 Do y'all remember if we knew ahead of time that it was gonna be so long or if that just really caught everyone off guard? Brooke Matherly 07:39 I remember being at the party, and whether or not the information was publicly available, I remember the first person getting their book because we could see them in line, and they held it up and they were like, "Oh my god, it's so big." Mary-Peyton Crook 07:51 A small like, seven year old child is trying to carry this 20 pound book out. Brooke Matherly 07:56 Notably chunky book. Mary-Peyton Crook 07:59 I remember hearing that it was going to be that long before getting it. I don't know how or if I'm just making that up. But I do remember hearing that. And I remember staying up way too late on a school night finishing this book, because it was so freakin good. Christina Kann 08:18 Yeah. It's amazing how fast you can read this book. Here's a little confession time. Here's a little look behind the curtain. I just finished reading this book today, because I'm trying this new thing where I'm really prepared for the podcast that I run. So if I seem freshly traumatized by the story, it's because I absolutely am. It reads so quickly. I was reading like 300 pages of this book in one sitting. It's just absolutely astounding. Grace, what about you? Where does this book fall on your ranking? Do you remember reading it as a kid? What's going on? Grace Ball 08:55 So I don't know if this was the first time I read it. But I did have it read to me. My step-mom, for some reason, read this book and only this book to us kids. Christina Kann 09:06 That's a lot of words. Grace Ball 09:07 So you know, that was kind of cool. I definitely remember her reading like the whole Yule Ball scene. I don't know why. Christina Kann 09:14 That's really awkward. You were like, "Someone is getting felt up in the bushes right now." Mary-Peyton Crook 09:20 Snogging. Grace Ball 09:21 Uh huh. Yeah, again, but this one is definitely my favorite book. So I'm so excited for the reread. Christina Kann 09:27 Yeah, I mean, it's good. It really is. This is the moment where the author who shall not be named started, I think, really trusting the readers. There is so much that goes on in this book. And also it's the first story that Harry gets caught up in that isn't just because he was meddling. This is happening to him, you know? Grace Ball 09:51 Yeah. Christina Kann 09:51 He really doesn't do like almost anything wrong in this whole book. Whereas before, it's like, "Let me go really involve myself in this." So I think also it's the first book where you can kind of actually really root for Harry in a real way. Grace Ball 10:07 Yeah, I do feel like the whole time you kind of feel bad for Harry. Christina Kann 10:11 God so bad for him. Every fucking word from cover to cover. From from the womb to the tomb -- Harry, are you okay? God -- and just -- okay. So like I said, freshly traumatized, trying to move on. So let's start with an email from Jim. Hey, Jim, thank you so much for your email. Jim says, "Hey, I noticed how you said that muggleborns in Harry Potter don't always think to use magic immediately. And it reminded me how in Avatar, The Legend of Korra: Book Three" -- Spoiler alert! I'm saying it before I say the spoiler. Spoiler alert for Legend of Korra at the end of it! Grace Ball 10:52 Dang it. Brooke Matherly 10:52 Wait, Grace. Have you not seen it? Grace Ball 10:54 No. Christina Kann 10:56 Oh, really? Wait, why did I think you had seen a what? Okay, for real. skip ahead to 13 minutes and three seconds, if you would. Mary-Peyton, wait, do you even watch Avatar? I haven't. Okay, well, that's fine. I don't mind spoiling someone who has never seen it. Grace Ball 11:11 I've never seen Korra, which is a mistake. Brooke Matherly 11:13 Do you need to abscond yourself for this email? Grace Ball 11:15 Let me just remove the headphones. Just give me some hand waving when it's okay. Christina Kann 11:20 Mary-Peyton, do you want to abscond, or are you good? Mary-Peyton Crook 11:22 I kind of want to because I still want to see it. Christina Kann 11:25 Alright, take your headphones off. Mary-Peyton Crook 11:26 We're just gonna stare at you the whole time, though. Christina Kann 11:28 It's not a question. It's just a cute little parallel. Bye. Bye, everyone. Wow, I thought that I had calculated this correctly, and I had not. Okay. Jim says, "I noticed how you said that muggleborns in Harry Potter don't always think to use magic immediately. And it reminded me how in Legend of Korra: Book Three, the new airbenders behave similarly, where they don't always have the immediate instinct to use their newfound abilities and instead opt for more elaborate plans and maneuvers to escape trouble. I thought that was a very interesting parallel. Brooke Matherly 11:58 That is interesting. I mean, do we really see that play out as much in Harry Potter as we do in Legend of Korra? Christina Kann 12:07 The one thing I'm thinking of is when Hermione is like "Light of fire? But there's no wood!" and Ron has to be like "Are you witch or not?" Brooke Matherly 12:16 Yes. Christina Kann 12:17 One really aggressive example. Brooke Matherly 12:19 But that's like a dropping the ball example. I was wondering if there's like an opposite, you know, where it's a thing where it's like, Hey, we're gonna like . . . I don't know. I guess it's always dropping the ball if you're not thinking to use magic first. Christina Kann 12:30 Yeah. And it's also hard with our characters because Ron is such a dunce and Hermione is so sharp, you know? So it's not the perfect example of a wizardborn to muggleborn situation. Brooke Matherly 12:41 I would like to see more Harry moments. If I could have the series rewritten, I'd like to see more Harry moments of Harry really adjusting to life at Hogwarts because quite frankly, he accepts magic very quickly and falls right into it. He doesn't seem to have any muggle instincts. Christina Kann 12:57 He's just really ready for like anything different. Brooke Matherly 12:59 Yes. Christina Kann 13:00 Okay. I'm going to call the girls back. Brooke Matherly 13:01 Yep. Christina Kann 13:04 Okay, great. And so that's how Sokka ends up killing Katara at the end, and it's like really sad. Grace Ball 13:10 Wait, what? Christina Kann 13:11 I'm just kidding! That would never happen. Not my Sokka. Grace Ball 13:27 No way. Christina Kann 13:28 Okay, here's our next email. Okay, are there any spoilers here? Okay. This is from Foster, one of our new patrons and one of our new friends on the Discord. Hi, Foster, thank you for the email. Foster sent us a list of questions that we may want to discuss. Brooke Matherly 13:44 A list of questions is not a thing I'm particularly optimistic about, I'm not gonna lie. Christina Kann 13:50 I did solicit lists of questions from our listeners. Grace Ball 13:54 So they're following instructions. Christina Kann 13:55 Foster was following my explicit directions. In fact, I posted in the Discord I got this email from Foster approximately 15 minutes later. God bless Foster. Grace Ball 14:04 Foster's the MVP. Brooke Matherly 14:05 Foster, I apologize. You did so well. Good job. Christina Kann 14:09 Okay, Foster asks, "What has been your least favorite chapter so far?" Grace Ball 14:16 Of of all of them? Christina Kann 14:17 Yeah. Let's say in the first three books. Grace Ball 14:20 Well, Brooke's is going to be a Quidditch chapter. Brooke Matherly 14:22 Yes, that's exactly where I was going. The first time he plays Quidditch and catches the Snitch in his mouth is truly just the worst chapter to read. Christina Kann 14:33 And let's say least favorite chapter, not least favorite episode, because we have had on some really excellent guests for some really bad chapters because they make up for the bad chapters. Brooke Matherly 14:42 Oh, God. Yes. The only reason we have ever been able to do an interesting Quidditch chapter is because of Adal Rifai. Christina Kann 14:51 God bless Adal. Brooke Matherly 14:53 Respect on his name, God bless him. Christina Kann 14:55 Any other least favorite chapters? Grace Ball 14:56 I think all of the first chapters so far have been pretty weak, and that's why I'm excited about this first chapter, because it is not weak. Christina Kann 15:04 Spoiler alert. The second chapter sucks worse than they usually do. Grace Ball 15:09 Oh no, I don't remember that. Christina Kann 15:12 Well, because it's literally just like okay, let's put this cool chapter first and then it's like, okay, well the next chapter is *scathing* "HARRY POTTER WAS A VERY UNSUAL BOY." Mary-Peyton Crook 15:22 Yeah, this one, the second chapter is what's normally the first chapter where it's reminding us where we are in case you decided to start with book four in a series. Brooke Matherly 15:33 Could you imagine starting with book four, getting super super into this first cool chapter -- cuz this is the one that starts with like Nagini and the dude -- Christina Kann 15:42 Yeah, right. Nagini and the dude is the name of my grunge band, actually. Mary-Peyton Crook 15:47 That's the name of my OnlyFans. Grace Ball 15:51 Spicy! Mary-Peyton Crook 15:53 Yes, Brooke, but I see where you're going. Brooke Matherly 15:55 You know like to be like, hey, actually, I did just decide to pick this up a book four and see how it goes. And you're like, "Oh, this is dope as hell" and then the second chapter is *scathingly* "Harry Potter is a very special boy." Christina Kann 16:06 *scathing* He has some cakes in his floorboards. Brooke Matherly 16:09 *scathing* You may think this is just a normal boy, but I already told you he's special. Do you want to know how he's special? He's *magic* Grace Ball 16:15 There is a real possibility that Mats started with book four and I don't even remember if that's true but he definitely read them all out of order. Christina Kann 16:23 I wrote it down somewhere in the order that he -- I think he started with book five actually. Grace Ball 16:28 I think he did. Christina Kann 16:29 If I remember correctly. Catch Mats on our next week's episode covering Chapter One of Goblet of Fire, me, Haley, and Mats. Um, yeah, I would have to agree that my least favorite chapter so far would be the Chamber of Secrets or Prisoner of Azkaban first chapter, I would have to re-examine them to remember which one is worse because they are so deeply forgettable. Grace Ball 16:50 Yeah. Christina Kann 16:51 Mary-Peyton, what about you? Mary-Peyton Crook 16:53 I mean, probably the the intro chapters would be my -- I mean, that would just make sense. I love the chapters about just like general school, like their classes and stuff. The ones that like harp on the Draco Harry rivalry, when they really harp on it, like a like a teenager would, you know, like or a preteen would, just talking about other classmates over and over. Christina Kann 17:22 Okay, next Foster asks, What is our favorite chapter so far? I know it's that one's harder. I mean, I really love the whole climax several chapters in a row of Prisoner of Azkaban. I really like when they're learning everything, and they're creeping around in like the Halloween dark -- even though it's June, it's very Halloweeny. So I would say one of those; I'm not sure exactly which. Brooke Matherly 17:53 Ugh, is this the right time for me to admit that I don't like Harry Potter? Christina Kann 17:58 Wow, how do I say this? You are fired. Brooke Matherly 18:03 Okay, I was I was I hired at any point? Grace Ball 18:07 Yeah, you were interviewed for this position. What? Brooke Matherly 18:12 My general demeanor is my interview for this position. Christina Kann 18:16 That's true. It's true. Brooke Matherly 18:17 Y'all need someone who is going to button with an "actually" at every given opportunity, and that is the role that I fill. Haley and I trade off that responsibility. Christina Kann 18:31 Yeah, any other notable favorite chapters? Grace Ball 18:33 Probably like all the other ones. Christina Kann 18:35 Okay, the ones besides the first ones. Grace Ball 18:37 Yes. Brooke Matherly 18:37 I really like the chapter as we're exiting the Chamber of Secrets because it's like relief after relief after relief. Christina Kann 18:45 When he finds Ron and Fawkes carries them away. Brooke Matherly 18:49 Yes, and then they see their parents and Fawkes is there and everything. Interspaced throughout all of this is just Gilderoy Lockhart being a damn dumbass in the back, like, "Who am I? Where are we?" Mary-Peyton Crook 19:00 Can I talk about one from the this book? Brooke Matherly 19:04 No, so far. Christina Kann 19:10 Just to clarify, Foster did say so far. Mary-Peyton Crook 19:15 Okay. Well, then I don't know. I guess it's more based on events that happened, but like, so far I really love when Harry is at the lake and he realizes that it's him who casts the Patonus and not his father that pops out. He just does it so quickly, without really any thought, he realizes he's the only one who's here to do this thing. Christina Kann 19:43 Gryffindor reflexes. Mary-Peyton Crook 19:44 Man, I just love that moment. So much. Grace Ball 19:46 I also really love the chapter where Harry's in the Forbidden Forest and he has that interaction with Firenze. Christina Kann 19:54 Oh, yeah, that is a great one. Grace Ball 19:56 I really like that one. Christina Kann 19:57 Yeah, it's one of those that has so many more layers in the book than it does in the movies. Grace Ball 20:05 Yeah. And it all makes so much more sense once you've read the rest of the books, and it's like, wow, the seeds were planted. Christina Kann 20:13 Yeah, yes. Brooke Matherly 20:15 My favorite thing about that chapter is it inspired a conversation that has resulted in me having a half-nude picture of me as a centaur hung up next to my desk in my bedroom. Christina Kann 20:25 That's also my favorite part of that chapter. Weird. Grace Ball 20:29 I just connect so much with that chapter, I don't know why. Brooke Matherly 20:33 My favorite thing -- when I read in public with the bookmark that is me as a centaur, I always feel like I have to flip it over. I've had people see me take it out of the book before and just kind of like doubletake. Christina Kann 20:49 Just imagine having to explain it. Brooke Matherly 20:51 Do you have a centaur pinup picture of yourself on your bookmark? Christina Kann 20:56 Full NSFW? Oh, no, the bookmark -- Brooke Matherly 20:59 The bookmark, I have pasties. Christina Kann 21:01 Technically pasties. Although you would still get some weird looks if you whipped that out at work. Brooke Matherly 21:07 Yes. Christina Kann 21:10 Foster next asks, "If this series had to be written from another character's perspective, who would you choose?" And Foster personally chooses Luna Lovegood. Brooke Matherly 21:22 Aw, that's an awesome choice. I don't know that the story would have enough cohesive elements if it was written through Luna's perspective. Grace Ball 21:29 That'd be okay, though. I feel like that would be fine. Mary-Peyton Crook 21:32 I feel like that would be one of the most different vibes from Harry that you can possibly get. Christina Kann 21:37 Why is this like an abstract purple as hell magical realism book suddenly? Like this is not the same tone at all. Mary-Peyton Crook 21:45 You wouldn't know whether things were really happening or if they were just in her mind. Christina Kann 21:49 Yeah. Mary-Peyton Crook 21:50 That'd be pretty cool, actually. Christina Kann 21:52 Unreliable narrator. Maybe we all choose what you choose, Foster. Brooke Matherly 21:55 I think I would like a Wicked-style rendition where it is either Crabbe or Goyle's perspective of them actually doing all the things that Malfoy gets credited with in the background. Christina Kann 22:07 Oh my gosh, that's funny. I was gonna say Malfoy. I think that would be really interesting to see kind of his whole ... I mean, he's really terrible to Harry, but like, I mean, his life is also terrible. So yeah. Any other ideas? Any other wise ideas? Grace Ball 22:23 I have a wise idea. Christina Kann 22:25 You always do, Little Miss Ravenclaw. Grace Ball 22:27 How about Neville Longbottom? Christina Kann 22:29 That would be a good one. That's almost kind of like Wayne from Puffs. Sorry to keep bringing up puffs. Grace Ball 22:38 No, I love it. Christina Kann 22:39 It's from the Hufflepuff perspective. Neville, I understand is not a Hufflepuff, but like, isn't he? Grace Ball 22:46 Right. Brooke Matherly 22:47 He's got big puff energy. Grace Ball 22:49 Yes. Brooke Matherly 22:50 Yeah. I'm really distracted because Haley's texting the group chat about Cats. I'm gonna turn my phone over. You would think that we had actually harmed her by making her watch that movie. Grace Ball 23:05 Oh, I didn't realize we were talking about that cats, not real cats. Christina Kann 23:07 Yeah, Cats 2019, sorry. Grace Ball 23:09 I got you. Christina Kann 23:11 If you could design a Triwizard Tournament challenge, what would you choose? Giant chess. Grace Ball 23:20 I was gonna say the potions one but -- Brooke Matherly 23:22 Oh, yeah, the potions from the first one is a good option. Christina Kann 23:27 Cedric would be out because he's really nice and brave and cool, but he is not super smart. Brooke Matherly 23:36 I think I would do something -- I mean, this is just me being dumb -- but I would love to have them all come into a room like fully prepped and then it's just a bunch of like Sudoku puzzles. Christina Kann 23:50 Crossword. Mary-Peyton Crook 23:52 Yeah, I would love some sort of muggle task. Christina Kann 23:57 Minesweeper. Mary-Peyton Crook 23:58 Yeah. Oh my god. Christina Kann 24:05 I wish I could take some of my skill points out of Minesweeper and put them into like, hand-eye coordination or like volume control. I am so I'm unreasonably good at Minesweeper. Brooke Matherly 24:18 I would also like to see a wizard version of it like a triathlon or maybe they have to like run and then swim through the lake without getting eaten by anything and then like fly a crazy course around all the turrets of Hogwarts castle. Christina Kann 24:31 I love that. Or how about like a roller derby? Mary-Peyton Crook 24:35 Ooh, yes. Brooke Matherly 24:36 Yeah, I could see that. Mary-Peyton Crook 24:37 What about like a Hunger Games situation? Christina Kann 24:39 Oh, Hunger Games, fight to the death. Grace Ball 24:42 That's what they're doing! Brooke Matherly 24:44 Actually, I just remembered that Lupin did that whole dark arts obstacle course for them at the end of Book 3. I want to just see a dark arts obstacle course. Christina Kann 24:52 Okay, cool. These are some good ideas. Grace Ball 24:54 I was thinking just like debate. You know? What are everybody's political views? You know what I mean? Mary-Peyton Crook 25:01 Typical Ravenclaw right there. Christina Kann 25:03 I mean, the scoring system is just absolutely fucked because two of the five judges for the Triwizard Tournament are running your competing schools. So it's like, sure, let it be super subjective because you could do it perfectly and still get a bad score. Brooke Matherly 25:19 Also, debate feels really unfair considering two of the other three people are going to be doing English as a second language for the debate. That's true. Okay. Never mind. It's a terrible idea. Christina Kann 25:31 First of all, wow, Florida, like core Fleur Delacour would turn on the Veela charm for that, and also Viktor Krum is so awkward. He's so awkward. He probably would just be like "I fold" and walk away. Grace Ball 25:43 It would be entertaining, though, at the very least. Christina Kann 25:45 Just Harry and Fleur kind of getting into it, snd then Cedric really calm, cool, and collected in the middle. Krum has tapped out. Grace Ball 25:54 I just feel like Harry would be so silly in a debate setting. Mary-Peyton Crook 25:59 Yeah, he would handle that pressure well, at all. Christina Kann 26:02 No need to call me sir. Professor. Grace Ball 26:05 He'd be like, "Uh, Hermione?" Mary-Peyton Crook 26:08 Can I get a sub? Christina Kann 26:09 "Can I phone a friend?" They're like, "What's a phone?" Grace Ball 26:12 Oh, yeah. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Who Wants to Be a Triwizard Champion? Christina Kann 26:20 Okay, Foster's next question. Thank you so much for all these excellent questions. Foster. Foster asks, "If you could turn into a magical creature, what would it be?" Brooke Matherly 26:32 Literally a centaur. Christina Kann 26:36 Yeah, I don't know if this is like animagus status, which like, I don't think you can turn into like another sentience creature. Brooke Matherly 26:46 I mean, animals are sentient. Christina Kann 26:49 Um, no. Brooke Matherly 26:52 Yeah. Christina Kann 26:53 Doesn't "sentient" mean that you're aware that you're aware? Brooke Matherly 26:57 Yeah, I feel like dogs clear that bar. Christina Kann 27:01 Well, I'm googling "define sentience," but I think that that's one of those things that's like a philosophical question. Grace Ball 27:07 Wow. Christina Kann 27:07 I'm going to go ahead and see Webster's real quick. Grace Ball 27:09 Okay, perfect. Brooke Matherly 27:11 If I have to turn into an animal, like an animal animal, then actually I would love to be a poisonous spider. I feel like that would be very useful as an animagus. And it's not necessarily a magical creature. But I think the act of turning into it is magical. So... Christina Kann 27:30 First of all, how dare Merriam-Webster's define "sentience" as "a sentient quality or state"? I'm mad and I quit. Grace Ball 27:39 Not helpful. Christina Kann 27:41 I'd probably be a dog. Or like a like a lynx. Like a medium-sized furry pawed, four-pawed -- just like run around, romp around. Mary-Peyton Crook 27:50 Does it have to be a magical creature? Christina Kann 27:52 I don't think so. Grace Ball 27:54 Oh, I thought you said magical. Brooke Matherly 27:55 He did say magical creature. Christina Kann 27:56 OH, they did say magical creature. Okay, I guess when I read this, because I just finished reading Goblet of Fire, I was thinking Animagus, so Brooke I actually will allow the centaur. Brooke Matherly 28:08 Good. Chop my bottom half off; it's not my best half. Replace it with a horse and I am rolling. Christina Kann 28:18 Okay then I would like to be I would like to be the erumpet from Fantastic Beasts. You know, the big lumpy thing? She's so cute. Grace Ball 28:34 Aw, she's a good one. I kind of want to be a dragon. Brooke Matherly 28:40 Do you have a species of dragon? Grace Ball 28:44 Oh... Christina Kann 28:45 You would be a nice Swedish Shortsnout or the Welsh Green. You know? Something kind of mellow. You're not a Norwegian Ridgeback. Mary-Peyton Crook 28:54 What about a Spirited Away type dragon? Like a Falchor-type doggish dragon. Grace Ball 29:03 Yeah, I'll take it. Mary-Peyton Crook 29:04 I was thinking about saying dragon because I would definitely want to be anything that flies. So as long as it flies. And for some reason what's coming to my mind is the -- this isn't a magical creature, but the giant Golden Eagle from The Rescuers Down Under. Do y'all remember that movie? Grace Ball 29:20 Yeah! Mary-Peyton Crook 29:20 I don't know, I think I watched it at a time when I was a kid where I was just like obsessed with it. Christina Kann 29:23 I forgot to think of any magical creatures outside this canon. Mary-Peyton Crook 29:28 That's probably what Foster meant, honestly. But just like some sort of giant bird. Christina Kann 29:34 Yeah. The Eagles. Mary-Peyton Crook 29:37 Yeah, yes, the Eagles. Capital E. Brooke Matherly 29:40 Once again, real animal. Haast Eagle is what you want to be. It's extinct now. Everyone must look them up. I don't know if I've brought it up on this podcast. Christina Kann 29:50 You have, and I think we've linked in the show notes, but I'll link it again. Now they are actually terrifying. They are actually straight-up the Lord of the Rings Eagles, but the ones from Lord of the Rings are magical. So I'll allow it. Okay, last question . . . from Foster. There's a lot more questions. What do you think the wizard drug world is like? That is super interesting. Mary-Peyton Crook 30:15 Oh, hmm. Christina Kann 30:17 I've never read really a fantasy book that was edgy. I've read a lot of science fiction books that were edgy in this way where there's like, lots of cool -- "Let me download some malware to my brain microchip and like, trip out for the afternoon," but I've never really encountered like dope, cool fantasy drugs. Have y'all? Or do you have any ideas? Brooke Matherly 30:39 So here's the thing. I feel like the line of what's a drug is gonna be really hard to establish in Harry Potter. Because when you think about the things that muggles do drugs for -- for example, hallucinogens are a category of drug. Right? Christina Kann 30:56 Right. Brooke Matherly 30:57 What's the difference between a hallucinogen and being able to eat a candy where your head literally turns into a fire hydrant or some shit? You know what I mean? They have a lot of things that have like wild bodily effects that are considered to be playthings and not drugs. Christina Kann 31:14 That's true. I think that the difference would be like those are novelties and I would probably be looking for something that's more of like a feeling than like a physical reaction. Grace Ball 31:26 There is that charm. What's it called? It's not the Cheer-- Mary-Peyton Crook 31:28 The Cheering Charm. Grace Ball 31:29 Oh, I was like the Cheer-up Charm. That's not right. Christina Kann 31:31 Yeah the Cheering Charm. Brooke Matherly 31:32 Pepper-up Potion. Christina Kann 31:34 They're just like straight rolling after they kind of fuck up the Cheering Charms. They're like rolling for straight hours. Grace Ball 31:40 Ron's just laughing for days. Christina Kann 31:41 He's just laughing! He's like, this is super inappropriate right now. Mary-Peyton Crook 31:45 I feel like it would be very similar to the muggle world of drugs, because wizards are still technically humans, so they're still gonna want and be greedy about feeling good, as much as possible. And whether it comes in like a charm form or a pill form, I think it would be the same as here. Brooke Matherly 32:09 But there's just so many things that were already introduced to in the books. Even like Felix Felicis and stuff like that, where it's just like-- Christina Kann 32:16 That should be classified as a drug. Grace Ball 32:18 I think so. Brooke Matherly 32:18 They just don't seem to raise to that level in the wizarding world. Emotional effects of potions and charms and objects is not considered to be an experimental or like weird thing like right. Everybody just kind of like is fine with altering their moods through liquids. Christina Kann 32:38 Give me a wizard psychologist who studies this stuff. Brooke Matherly 32:44 I think maybe it's because they know exactly who made it. I don't know; if you know your meth dealer, you probably feel better about it. Right? How does meth work? Christina Kann 32:54 I have spoken about many a drug on this podcast, but I can guarantee I do not know how meth works. I haven't -- Grace Ball 33:03 I've watched Breaking Bad, okay? Christina Kann 33:04 I was just about to say, I haven't even seen Breaking Bad. Grace Ball 33:08 Okay, well, I got you there girl. Brooke Matherly 33:09 All right, Grace. Tell us: how does meth work? Grace Ball 33:11 What? Well, first of all, you have to be a chemistry teacher. Christina Kann 33:16 Um, one thing I know for sure is that the wizarding world drug world would probably be as sexist as our contemporary muggle drug world. Grace Ball 33:26 True. Christina Kann 33:27 Thank you so much for your questions. Foster. That was a lot of really fun discussion. And we appreciate your patronage and your email as always. Our next email is from Adele. I think Adele sent me this approximately one day after we stopped the last season and I was like, "Okay, well, I'm gonna save this. I'm gonna use this someday." I think this email is what made me be like, "Hey, maybe we should do a mail episode." So thank you, Adele. Adele says "Hi, The Restricted Section crew. I've had so much fun listening to you all cover my favorite book in the series. And watching the movie alongside you all was such a blast. Haley, you and I will have to work out some sort of compromise on who gets to screw the Sphinx in the Goblet of Fire. Speaking of my least favorite Harry Potter book, I thought it would be fun to ask you all: What is your favorite of the three upcoming Triwizard tasks/which one are you most looking forward to covering and why? Looking forward to hearing more Restricted Section shenanigans on the sports book, where she who must not be named started ignoring her editor and added in crazy, unnecessary worldbuilding. I'm such a fan of this podcast and of the people who make it happen. Love Adele." Adele, we are such a huge fan of you. And thank you so much for this email. Which of the three Triwizard tests are you most looking forward to covering? Brooke Matherly 34:49 I mean, you'd have to be in actual sadist to choose the maze, right? Christina Kann 34:54 Yes, cuz it's boring and then terrible. Grace Ball 34:57 Yes, terrible. Brooke Matherly 34:58 So I like the lake. Grace Ball 35:00 Yeah, oh, well, same. Christina Kann 35:02 I like the lake too. Grace Ball 35:04 It's a great choice, Brooke. I really respect it. Brooke Matherly 35:06 You know what, Grace, great choice for you too. I really like what the answer does and says about you as a person, that you're really intelligent and you understand this series at the core. Grace Ball 35:15 And like I'm a water sign, so -- Brooke Matherly 35:17 Oh my god, same. Christina Kann 35:18 Oh my God, same. Oh my god. We did this. We did a bonus episode about houses and horoscopes. All of the women on this podcast are water signs, including Mary Clay, who won't tell us her birthday, and we decided that she's a ... Gemini? Mary-Peyton Crook 35:33 I think so. Brooke Matherly 35:34 Does this sound cool to you? If you're a patron, you can listen to it. Christina Kann 35:39 That's true. Grace Ball 35:40 We really sold that, didn't we? Brooke Matherly 35:42 Was that an ad? Christina Kann 35:44 I actually really do enjoy the maze in the books. It is so stressful, so deeply stressful, knowing what is coming at the end of it, but the chapter itself is a lot more exciting in the books. A lot more stuff happens. When you play D&D, when you're like walking from point A to point B, your dungeon master will roll for encounter to see if you run into like any random fuck and then pick a monster at random -- and that's what the maze feels like. "I don't know, just whatever we got. Throw it it em. Let's see." Some of its like, we never learned about it in the whole series. We're just like, "What the fuck is that thing? I don't know. That was scary!" So I like it. I like the vibe. I like that when they walk into it. It like gets silent and scary. Brooke Matherly 36:32 Does the spinx existing and doing riddles indicate that Oedipus Rex is part of the Harry Potter extended universe? Christina Kann 36:40 Wow. I think it just means that JK Rowling read Tolkien and was like, "How do I get a riddle in here for my stupidest character?" Grace Ball 36:52 That much is clear. She certainly read Tolkien. Brooke Matherly 36:56 I would like to instead assume that this was an early race of magical people in Oedipus Rex, and that Oedipus Rex was similar to Harry/Neville situation, cursed by his prophecy, except that they hadn't invented the Hall of Prophecies yet for keeping these things from people until the correct moments, and so they just spit them out at people and he's just wandering through the world trying to make sense of it. Christina Kann 37:23 Wow. What a nightmare to just have prophecy spat at your face. Brooke Matherly 37:29 Worse or better than fucking your mother and killing your father? Christina Kann 37:36 Mary-Peyton, what about you? Which of the tasks are you most excited to revisit? Mary-Peyton Crook 37:40 I think, because the dragon one is more like a Quidditch chapter kind of, it gets a little annoying, I would have to say the lake too. Christina Kann 37:54 Yeah. Mary-Peyton Crook 37:55 Because whoever wrote it, whoever wrote these books, did a great job of making you really panic and thinking that if Harry doesn't save everyone, they will die. I remember feeling that. And now whenever I reread it or watch the movie, it's so obvious that they wouldn't die down there. They wouldn't let them drown down there. But you feel panicked with him. Christina Kann 38:18 Yeah. Brooke Matherly 38:19 I still don't know that that's true. Mary-Peyton Crook 38:22 Oh, that they wouldn't let him die? Brooke Matherly 38:24 Yeah, no, I think Hogwarts would absolutely wait and -- I don't think they would intentionally let them die. I think they would like wait for everyone to come up and be like, "Did we forget a kid in the lake?" Mary-Peyton Crook 38:34 They forget one of them. Yeah. Christina Kann 38:36 That is super valid, Mary-Peyton. That's an example, I think, of a way that Harry's an unreliable narrator, because he builds this scene in which he has no other choice, but he does, and when they break the surface Ron calls him a stupid prat or something for even considering that this was his responsibility. Mary-Peyton Crook 38:59 it really felt so heroic at that time. And of course, obviously, Dumbledore thought it was heroic too, because he gave him more points. But yeah, you realize how dumb it is at the end, but you're still totally in it with him. Christina Kann 39:12 Yeah, absolutely. So here's some additional questions from Adele that she sent us via the Discord. Adele says "Many people mentioned the fourth book as the moment when the series becomes for young adult readers with more maturity rather than for children. Are you looking forward to the tonal shift in the series? And if so, why do you think Goblet of Fire and future books still have any of that childish whimsy and if not, will you miss it?" Great question, Adele. What do we think? Mary-Peyton Crook 39:41 I am so excited for that tonal shift. I love that part. And what we were talking about earlier, remembering the first time we read this. I remember specifically, it was like three in the morning, and I was in my room that I currently shared with my little sister, and everyone was asleep, obviously. Getting to the part where it shifts to the graveyard. It was scary because it was like so quiet in my house, and it became so dark, and I was wrapped up, I think, in a way that was different than the first three books, even though those were really engaging. It was just something more magical to me. Christina Kann 40:19 Well, and also the climax resolution of the first three books -- I mean, Sorcerer's Stone and Chamber of Secret -- that's like three chapters, maybe? Prisoner of Azkaban, it's maybe four or five? But the resolution of Goblet of Fire is like 10 straight chapters. Mary-Peyton Crook 40:34 Yeah. Christina Kann 40:34 It's bonkers. Mary-Peyton Crook 40:35 Yeah. Grace Ball 40:36 And I think that is an important thing that's missing from the movie. The movie, it just goes from Cedric's death to -- oop, next day, and I guess everyone's sad, but mostly fine. But the book just really spends a lot of time on that. And I think that's really awesome. Christina Kann 40:56 I mean, I read this this morning. The book drags so much in a way that is very well done between when Harry gets back from the graveyard and when it ends. It is agonizing. And something that I really appreciate is they show Dumbledore and Fudge breaking up in the books. And like in the movies, it's just kind of like, "Well, what do you expect? It's a politician and an educator. They don't see eye to eye ever." But there's like a very realistic, actual breakup. And I think that's a really important part of that denouement, as well. And also, don't even get me started on this Sirius situation. I know. No, I know. Dumbledore is like "Madame Pomfrey, this dog's going to accompany Harry to the hospital wing." And I just wish that when I wasn't feeling good, I could just summon a very well behaved dog to snuggle me, you know? Brooke Matherly 41:51 I don't even necessarily see it as a tonal shift. I like the later books so much more than the early books that when I think back on this series, they all have this tone to me. Christina Kann 42:02 Interesting. Brooke Matherly 42:04 I find elements of the tone of the later books in the earlier books more than vice versa. Christina Kann 42:11 That's a very interesting perspective. You know, apart from the darker tone, we also get more nuanced humor throughout this book, which is so enjoyable, and that really only escalates. I think maybe book seven's like a little bit of an exception, everyone's dying, we're on the run. But the humor to me gets so much more fun. I remember also being a kid and I learned a lot of words from Goblet of Fire, where I don't think the previous three books really taught me a lot of vocabulary. But I, for some reason, really specifically, remember a couple words that I learned from this. Grace Ball 42:47 I'm excited for the tonal shift too. And I think that what's really cool about this book is that I just think following this book, it becomes so much more character-driven. And I don't know if that's like to do with the tone necessarily, but I think that it is at least kind of, and that's just something I really, really enjoyed through the rest of the series. Christina Kann 43:10 Yeah, I think hand-in-hand with that as well, I do really enjoy when the romance starts happening, because it's all so bad. Like there's no good, healthy, saccharine, like "Please, that's enough of this, like straight white romance" -- there's like none of that. It's like all so awkward and bad the whole time. Like every romantic encounter is just like so god awful. Grace Ball 43:35 That's the humor you were talking about. Christina Kann 43:36 Yes! I love it so much. Brooke Matherly 43:38 That's also like what this period of your life is. Christina Kann 43:41 Yes. Brooke Matherly 43:43 You know? Christina Kann 43:43 Absolutely. Adele's next question. "Also, what is your favorite side character introduced in Goblet of Fire? Potential candidates include Winky, Ludo Bagman, Krum." I know some of those may not sound familiar to you, Brooke. Adele goes on to say "We know my answer. I've said it before. I'll say it again. #BerthaJorkinsDeservedBetter." I'm gonna second Bertha jerkins because y'all know I love a well-intentioned idiot who fucks up and everyone hates her, she's the underdog now. I am here for that bitch. Mary-Peyton Crook 44:14 She's the one that like disappears, right? Christina Kann 44:17 She disappears -- oh weird -- in the last known hiding spot of Lord Voldemort and let's never look into that. That's probably nothing. Brooke Matherly 44:25 I love to hate Rita Skeeter. I will say as the books progress, we get so many better bad guys. Up until now, Voldemort's just kind of been like looming in the shadows. And there's like one very clear, big bad at the end of everything. And we start to get these really fun, intensely detestable bad guys in the later books, you know, like Umbridge, Rita Skeeter. That is the thing that I really enjoy. Christina Kann 44:56 That's a great point. And now that you brought that up, there are so many bad guys and they're all such different characters. The spectrum from Snape to like -- I'm like, who's even -- like Bellatrix and Fenrir Greyback, and like you said, Umbridge. Even considering Snape's ending, I still consider him to be a nuanced bad guy, you know what I mean? Like, there are some really cool characters that crop up in this. And then there's some characters who are just forever neutral, you know? Kind of like Snape. It's like, are you a good guy? Are you a bad guy? In the end, you're just a guy. And that's part of the story. Or like, fucking Mundungus Fletcher, where it's like, are you a good guy? Technically, but you're kind of a bad guy. Brooke Matherly 45:42 We also get away from the kind of meddling childish bad guys, people like Filch, where it's like, he's just trying to do his damn job. You know what I mean? That's such a hallmark of children's books because adults in positions of annoying authority that keep you from living your dreams are an easy to go to bad guy. But as the books mature, you get actual bad people thrown in there and we kind of move away a little bit from Peeves being the worst thing that happened to you that week. Grace Ball 46:17 Yeah, I think Adele bringing up Winky is good. I am excited to revisit the whole house elves situation. Christina Kann 46:29 Spew. Grace Ball 46:30 This is where that whole thing starts. Yeah, spew starts. Hermione. Oh, Hermione. Oh, girl. Christina Kann 46:37 The book stylizes it. When Hermione is talking, it's in all capitals with punctuation marks like a proper acronym, but when other people are saying it, it's all lowercase. Always in italics every time because everyone's always like *disgusted* "Spew." Grace Ball 46:56 Her intentions are so good. That's just like, wow. Christina Kann 46:59 Yeah, it's also just another example of how JK Rowling, the author -- I'll say her name -- because she hates women, dude. Mike said at once in like chapter two of Sorcerer's Stone, and I just have not stopped thinking about it since. She hates her female character so much. And it's like, "Look at this stupid nagging idiot" the whole book. It's like, "How silly does she look right now?" Grace Ball 47:23 Not great. Christina Kann 47:24 Not great. Mary-Peyton, what about you? Mary-Peyton Crook 47:28 I was gonna say Winky because I love her. The poor thing is so torn and like, almost tortured the whole time. And she's so cute. I don't know. I mean, I think you guys kind of nailed it. There are so many new characters in this one of so many different levels of likeability and good and bad and apathetic. I think it goes with the tonal shift -- the the idea of good and evil kind of shifts to this like more adult version of it. Christina Kann 48:02 It's a gradient rather than a binary. Mary-Peyton Crook 48:06 Yeah, and we start to realize that often the people that cause the most harm are the people who are either avoidant, like Fudge, you know, trying to pretend like everything's fine. People who are apathetic. You know, that those things can do the most damage. Christina Kann 48:27 Thank you so much, Adele, for all of your questions in your email. We love you a lot. Hey, girl. Email from Mats! Mats says, "Hello there. So I've been listening to the podcast lately, and I keep thinking about Tom Riddle's diary. Do you think Lucius Malfoy wrote in it before planting it on Ginny? 'Dear Tom, Lately, I've been contemplating cutting my hair short. Narcissa got mad at me and said that it's just my midlife crisis talking. What do I do? Please help me, Tom. Best wishes, Lucius'." Mats goes on, "I like to imagine part of the reason why he had to get rid of it was that Narcissa got mad at him for spending more time with the diary than with her. Also, what if Gilderoy Lockhart had picked it up in the bathroom instead of Harry? Don't you think he'd write in it? If so, what would he write? The most vain, self-absorbed shit like how we see him for most of the series? Or the darkest secrets he has? Like all the things we know he did? Also also, am I the only one who feels like picturing Voldemort writing in this diary immediately makes him a lot less threatening and intimidating. Anyway, thank you all for being awesome. I love this podcast. It truly is the highlight of my week. I have the honor to be at your obedient servant, M dot Fur." Well Mats, this podcast is going to be the highlight of my weekend because I'm recording a beautiful episode with you. This is a lot of really good, hilarious points about the diary. Guys, any thoughts, feelings? Brooke Matherly 49:54 I think that Lucius would have absolutely written in the diary, but I think it would just be like horrible fanboy questions. Like "Hey Tom" -- because he knew what this was -- being like "Hey Tom. So like, what's your favorite color? Do you have a favorite food? Like do you like spring or fall?" Christina Kann 50:11 "Do you think it makes me less badass of a Death Eater if I go for this pumpkin spice latte?" Grace Ball 50:18 "Do you think my hair looks box died?" Christina Kann 50:22 Yes. Mary-Peyton Crook 50:23 And then later, with like anyone else in the real world, he brings it up all the time. He's like, "Oh my god, Tom was so funny today." Brooke Matherly 50:33 And I once again want to reiterate one of my favorite, darkest fan theories that we came up with on the podcast about Gilderoy Lockhart, is that he is secretly gay. And when he sleeps with men, he tells them all his dark secrets and then he Obliviates them afterward. And that's how he purges it from his system. Mary-Peyton Crook 50:49 I hate that theory. Brooke Matherly 50:50 It's not a good theory in that it's like fun, but it's a great theory in that you can immediately see it. Christina Kann 50:57 Okay, it's not it's not fun, though, from like a storytelling perspective. Okay, here's Mats' next question that he asked in the Discord. If you had to choose one Harry Potter spinoff series that you wanted to be made, what would you choose? And I would choose like a Casanova-type Lockhart series where he's burdened with being the protagonist, so he has to like change slightly and take action, you know? Grace Ball 51:20 Mhm. I like that. My theory for Gilderoy writing in the diary, though, is that he doesn't write anything. He just sketches self portraits. And that's it. Christina Kann 51:35 They all look like Greco Roman statues of himself. Mary-Peyton Crook 51:39 I was gonna say stick figures. Brooke Matherly 51:43 Does that mean that Tom Riddle writes back art critiques? Christina Kann 51:46 "I don't know how to say this... Your nose is a lot bigger than that." Grace Ball 51:51 I went straight for the nose too in my mind. Definitely comment on the nose. Because you know Voldemort's sensitive about the nose. Christina Kann 51:58 Oh my gosh, I was thinking that Greco Roman statues have big strong noses. Grace Ball 52:03 Oh, yeah. Okay, great. Christina Kann 52:06 I do love the idea of my dear, sweet, stupid Lucius sitting down to write in a diary. He's already not even a remotely threatening character to me. In the beginning, like in Chamber of Secrets, he has the most minimal amount of sway on like the Board of Governors for the school or whatever. But he pretty much goes MIA for the next two books and then comes back as Voldemort's number one coffee bitch. You know, like Lucius Malfoy is the intern who never got promoted. Grace Ball 52:37 Yes, he's giving me like Bo Burnham's Unpaid Intern. You know? Christina Kann 52:43 Yeah, so he's already not very threatening to me, but just picturing him writing in the diary does make it better. Grace Ball 52:51 Wait, is it Lucius or is it Voldemort writing in the diary? Mary-Peyton Crook 52:55 Oh, the intimidation, that was Voldemort. Christina Kann 52:58 Oh, well, you know what? I'm just like using these questions like Play Doh to mold my own. Grace Ball 53:02 No, it's good. I like it. I just want to make sure we're answering the questions. You know what I mean? Mary-Peyton Crook 53:10 We were talking about TV spin offs. I would love to see a Big Brother-type show but with all the kids in the dorms, and they'd have a confession camera. Christina Kann 53:20 Ooh, that's good. Grace Ball 53:22 I like that. Mary-Peyton Crook 53:24 I'd like that. Brooke Matherly 53:25 I would like to have a spin off series of like young McGonagall and younger Dumbledore having adventures together. Also because -- I believe this was included in Pottermore material later -- but at some point McGonagall was married and living in Hogsmeade and commuted into Hogwarts. Christina Kann 53:45 Yes. Brooke Matherly 53:46 And so, I want to see all of that. I want to know how she got all this experience. Like, I want to know what she was like when she was young, wild, and free. Christina Kann 53:55 Oh my god. Have you all seen the movie The House with a Clock in Its Walls? Mary-Peyton Crook 53:59 Yes. Christina Kann 54:00 Okay, well, there's a very adorable, deeply platonic adult friendship -- adult wizard friendship -- in that movie that I think is actually probably like straight up a younger McGonagall and Dumbledore were like. Just constantly dissing each other in the most intelligent, mutual, loving way. Mary-Peyton Crook 54:22 Yeah, and they get really snippy with each other and they know each other's flaws. Teah, that would be beautiful. Christina Kann 54:29 Yeah, great team. You love to see it. Grace Ball 54:31 Okay, other end of the spectrum. Hear me out: Love Island. Mary-Peyton Crook 54:40 With like the faculty? Grace Ball 54:43 It would have to be, right? Christina Kann 54:44 Yes. Brooke Matherly 54:46 I would honestly love to see a Love Island concept with the obscure Order adults. You know what I mean? Get like, you know, Bill and Charlie up in that bitch. Yeah, you know I mean, toss Moody in there. See how that goes. Christina Kann 55:02 I'm really excited to hang out with Bill and Charlie in this book. Grace Ball 55:06 Yeah me too. Christina Kann 55:07 At length. Grace Ball 55:08 Oh yeah. Christina Kann 55:09 *sensually* at LENGTH. Mary-Peyton Crook 55:12 Whatever length that may be. Brooke Matherly 55:14 I'm more of a girth girl. Christina Kann 55:17 Brooke, that's not the first time you've said that to me this week. Why were we talking about that already this week? Brooke Matherly 55:21 Because I like a girthy dick. Christina Kann 55:25 A couple other questions. These are ones that I wrote. Just three. Who has been your favorite character so far in the trilogy based on their behavior in the first three books? Grace Ball 55:39 It's gotta be Harry Potter. No. Just kidding. Just kidding. Christina Kann 55:43 For me, I think it's maybe McGonagall. She's strong. I have so many questions. Like, I just love her spirit. Whenever I see her, I'm like, Good, okay, we're safe now. Grace Ball 55:56 Yeah, I mean, it's hard for me to only consider the first three books. So I was gonna say Molly Weasley, but-- Christina Kann 56:04 She's kind of just a nag in the first three books. Grace Ball 56:06 Yeah, that's not great. But I feel like she has some good moments in this book. Christina Kann 56:13 God, there's just so much stuff that happens in this book. Grace Ball 56:15 I know, I'm so excited. Mary-Peyton Crook 56:19 I think I like Ron a lot, if it was just based on the first three books. I mean, I still love Ron a lot, but I feel like he'd probably be my favorite because he's just, he's funny, and he's such a great friend through all of it. Christina Kann 56:32 Yeah. Brooke Matherly 56:34 I would also say Ron, I don't know. He's got like, a whole personality in the books, you know? Grace Ball 56:41 Yeah. It's surprising. Brooke Matherly 56:43 He's funny, and he's charming. And he's like, he's not great at school, but he's not not a smart guy. You know what I mean? Christina Kann 56:50 I'd give him a chance. Brooke Matherly 56:52 I was like, hardcore team Ron, in terms of being a young girl and being like, "If I could date any of these boys -- if I could snog -- it would have been Ron." Grace Ball 57:05 Yeah, me too. Christina Kann 57:06 I really don't remember having crushes on either of them. Which feels so weird to me because I was not not a horny preteen -- like I definitely was -- but I don't know if they were just like unsexy to me and I was into other hotter stuff like Twilight, etcetera. Grace Ball 57:23 Not hot enough! Brooke Matherly 57:26 Imagine getting that note from your publisher. "I don't know if this book is hot enough." Christina Kann 57:34 It's for children? Mary-Peyton Crook 57:36 It's about children? Grace Ball 57:38 No, no, I hear you. But the note stands. Brooke Matherly 57:41 You've already got them making out; I just feel like maybe go further with that. Christina Kann 57:47 I like those answers. I knowmy first choice was the most serious character in the entire first three books. But my second choice is Fred and George because they carry like 90% of the comedic writing in the first three books. Other people get funny. Harry Potter gets much funnier, like the narration. I think that's partially Harry Potter becoming more informed, becoming an adult. But I think it's also partially Rowldemort becoming like a more competent writer who is more stylized and more secure in their voice. So what has been different for you on this read of the first three books that is different from previous reads? Brooke Matherly 58:27 Well, I remember them now. So that's nice. Christina Kann 58:30 Yes. Brooke Matherly 58:31 Because, you know, again, I think I've said it before, this was my first time rereading the books since ever, since I originally read them. Christina Kann 58:39 Yeah. So this is your first time reading them with any kind of critical training, any kind of literary background, and your whole adult brain. Brooke Matherly 58:48 Yeah. And like, surprisingly, my whole adult brain developed okay. And it's been interesting. I was really shocked by the amount of like raw child abuse that goes on in these books. Grace Ball 59:01 Yeah. Christina Kann 59:01 Yeah, that doesn't get better. Brooke Matherly 59:04 As an adult, that's shocking. I think as a kid you just don't think about it. Christina Kann 59:10 As a kid you're like, "What if I was in an abusive household and then I got told I was a wizard and then I got to go to really dangerous school where I had to like do all these grown up fights -- like what if that happened to me and there was no one else who could do it? It was just me?" Brooke Matherly 59:24 But the actual undertone of that is always, What if you're normal? But you're not normal; you're special. And as a kid, you're like, "I am special." And as an adult, you're like, "No one's fucking special. You're not special. Gandhi is not special. The Queen of fucking England isn't special. Go sit the fuck down." Grace Ball 59:40 Yeah, basically. Brooke Matherly 59:41 But also don't hurt people needlessly. Christina Kann 59:43 Right, yes. Grace Ball 59:45 Yeah, I mean, definitely. Wow. never read them so slowly. Christina Kann 59:51 That's for damn sure. Grace Ball 59:53 --as we have on the on the cast. Christina Kann 59:56 It's good for you. It's good to pace yourself. Grace Ball 59:59 No, it is good. Christina Kann 1:00:00 It's like how when I have Goldfish cracker snacks, I eat them with chopsticks so that I can only eat them one at a time. It's like a built in pacing mechanism. Grace Ball 1:00:09 That's how I eat Hot Cheetos. But that's mostly because of the red dye. Christina Kann 1:00:14 Yes. Oh my gosh, my plug for this week is please use chopsticks to eat almost all snacks. Grace Ball 1:00:18 Yeah, it's really good. It's a good call. I endorse that. Christina Kann 1:00:23 Um, okay, great. Grace Ball 1:00:24 I guess that was the end of what I was gonna say. Christina Kann 1:00:26 I guess none of us have ever read it for the purpose of a podcast. That's something we have in common. Grace Ball 1:00:31 I've never thought about it as much as I have. Christina Kann 1:00:34 I've barely even thought about it. I've mentioned this before that the first time I read them, I was eight. And as an adult, all of the 15 times I've read them since then, every single one of those rereads was informed by my first interpretation of them. Grace Ball 1:00:51 Exactly, and I'm like "That's how it is." Christina Kann 1:00:53 Yes. So like rereading them this time has just absolutely blasted my brain open in the Harry Potter universe. And I'm so grateful. Grace Ball 1:01:00 Plus, with everybody else's perspectives on the podcast, I'm just like, "Damn, I got some smart friends, by the way. That's pretty cool." Christina Kann 1:01:07 Yes. And now, I'm like fully convinced that Snape was in love with James, you know? Everything is different now. Mary-Peyton, what about you? Mary-Peyton Crook 1:01:19 Probably analyzing the rules of the world outside of the storyline. You know, reading, like, I'm sure I analyzed it a lot the million times that I read it before this podcast, and I know I did. But analyzing at that level was just like, "Why does that work here? Like, how does that work again?" But with the podcast, we just go on these tangents of talking about: Okay, what does that mean for the rest of the wizarding world? Like we were talking about the drugs of the wizarding world. You know, I don't think I've ever thought about that before. Brooke Matherly 1:01:56 I will say that this podcast has caused Harry Potter to infect my entire life in terms of moving through the world. I think about Harry Potter more than I've ever thought about Harry Potter in my life, I relate it to just about everything. It's really good in a business setting; you're really helping me with my job. Christina Kann 1:02:19 I do relate to that deeply. I'm the Harry Potter friend. Everyone mentions it to me always. When there's a really good TikTok, I get it sent to me like seven or eight times. That being said, if you see something funny, and you want to send it to me, please continue to do so because a lot of my friends send me really hilarious stuff. And I use it for this podcast's social media accounts. So I am grateful. Last question of the session. And I do apologize that we didn't get the opportunity to visit every question. We got a lot of really awesome questions from all of our devoted listeners. And we love you a lot. And we're so grateful that you took the time to kind of engage with us today. So if we didn't read your question, it's because of time. So now it's time for the last question. Who is a character that, just in this past rereading of these first three books, who is a character that you've totally changed opinions on? Brooke Matherly 1:03:14 Honestly, Petunia. Which is maybe a weird thing, but I had never really thought of her in any other way than like, you know, a bitchy, awful woman. And really digging into her psychology, as we have done now three times in our very first chapters of each book, and really thinking about what probably caused this, what brought this on -- and also the realization that she did actually have to raise baby Harry. Babies take a lot of work, and she did that. Christina Kann 1:03:44 Yeah. Brooke Matherly 1:03:45 All of those kind of things compounding together. I don't know that I necessarily have like a different opinion of her in terms of like -- I still think she's a bad person. But like really digging into what we think might be making her tick has completely changed the way I view her actions. I find her to be somewhat more forgivable now. Christina Kann 1:04:12 Hmm. I definitely agree that an adult perspective on Petunia gives you more sympathy for her. Grace Ball 1:04:17 I think for me, it's Hagrid. And Brooke, you may have had some influence on that. Brooke Matherly 1:04:24 I fucking ruined Hagrid for you, didn't I? So sorry. Grace Ball 1:04:28 No, that's okay. You know, when you're a kid, you don't notice all of the things that Hagrid is doing. And you're not asking yourself, why is Hagrid doing that? But I did. I asked myself that this time. And Hagrid did not come out too great. That's okay. Christina Kann 1:04:45 Well, that's the thing. When you become an adult, you have to start asking yourself, Is this an appropriate way for an adult to behave? Because up until you're like 14 maybe, you can kind of act however you want. It's like "Ah, she's just tired, she's just hungry, you know?" Grace Ball 1:05:00 I just need to drink some more water. Christina Kann 1:05:05 Yeah. "Wait, I know this. This is inappropriate adult behavior for sure. You can't trick me." Grace Ball 1:05:09 Yeah, so sorry, man. Christina Kann 1:05:13 I was also gonna say Hagrid, but here's a hot take. Here's my character that I've totally changed opinions on, kind of: Dobby. Grace Ball 1:05:26 Okay. Christina Kann 1:05:27 I don't like him. Mary-Peyton Crook 1:05:29 How fucking dare you. Christina Kann 1:05:30 And I think that I've never liked him and this is the first time I've ever permitted myself to not like him. I find him deeply meddling and obnoxious, and I feel like he's just there for sympathy. That's like all he has, like, look at this poor pathetic creature. He's such a caricature of a character, and I don't like him. I think that his role in the story should have been done well or not at all. And I don't think it was done well Brooke Matherly 1:06:07 He could have been more of a Winky character and it might have worked better. Christina Kann 1:06:14 Winky is rough dude. Brooke Matherly 1:06:15 No, but like... Christina Kann 1:06:17 Let's revisit that after the reread. Brooke Matherly 1:06:18 I get that. I'm not saying like full Winky, but like, you know, he could show any amount of actual stress at what he's endured instead of just being like, "LOL I ironed my knuckles! Anyhow, you can't go to school. Kay bye!" Christina Kann 1:06:35 Yeah Mary-Peyton Crook 1:06:36 Yeah, it's a little nuts. Christina Kann 1:06:39 Yeah. Mary-Peyton Crook 1:06:41 Can I say JK Rowling? Christina Kann 1:06:43 Oh, round of applause. Grace Ball 1:06:46 Yeah, you win. Christina Kann 1:06:48 Okay, you win, and that's a good place to end this podcast frankly. I think we've all judge opinions on that woman. Mary-Peyton Crook 1:06:57 That bitch. Christina Kann 1:06:59 I probably wouldn't start this podcast now. You know? But I'm glad that we have it. And I'm glad that we get to be part of the other narrative. You know, I'm glad that we get to contribute to creating a safe space where people who love Harry Potter but are upset by that. But we're not going to harp on that too long because this is like a pump up episode, this is a pregame. This is the mailbag episode. I've called it a million different things. One thing's for sure. The very first episode that we record after a Goblet of Fire is called Group Therapy. Mary-Peyton Crook 1:07:34 Thank God. Christina Kann 1:07:37 You're gonna need it! Um, in conclusion, before we move on to plugs, I would like to just one more time encourage everyone to sign up for our Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can be part of our online community on the Discord, where we have a lot of really awesome conversations all the time. There's a lot of really excellent people there. For the $5 tier, you can get monthly bonus episodes, and September's bonus episode is going to cover My Immortal, the mysterious and legendary Harry Potter fanfiction. I can't emphasize how much you don't want to miss that, so please check us out. The link is in the show notes. So now it's time to move on to plugs. Brooke, where can people find you on the internet? Brooke Matherly 1:08:19 You can follow me on Instagram @passionforparks. You can find me on Twitter @grumpybrooke. And this week, I am going to plug a book that I read recently and absolutely loved. It is called The Henna Artist. It is by Alka Joshi. It is an awesome female-forward book that's set in post-colonial India. And it's just a really delightful read. It has some twists and turns. It's really just a woman trying to make it on her own in a society that doesn't want her to, and it's it's just amazingly entertaining. I highly recommend it. Christina Kann 1:08:59 Awesome. Thank you so much. Mary-Peyton, what about you? Where can people find you on the internet? Mary-Peyton Crook 1:09:04 You can find me on Instagram @richmondreads or @crookmp, and you can find me on Twitter @crookmp, although I don't do much on there, mostly just retweet on that one. Christina Kann 1:09:14 You show up once a month and like everything I've posted. Mary-Peyton Crook 1:09:17 Yeah, just go down the list just liking. Christina Kann 1:09:21 She's very supportive. Mary-Peyton Crook 1:09:22 Hey, I do it genuinely. I'm not just liking it. I like it, okay. But yeah, you can find me there. And then I'm going to plug something that I've been plugging in my regular life to everyone I've seen, so sorry to you guys, but The Haunting of Bly Manor, the show on Netflix, which is so freakin good. I did not watch The Haunting of Hill House, which everyone said was so good, because I do not like scary stuff. So I just avoided it. And my little sister convinced me to watch The Haunting of Bly Manor, and of course it's scary. It's got the word "haunting" in the title, obviously. Man, it was so freakin beautiful. And I'm someone who thinks way too much about dark stuff. So, you know, middle of the season, I was kind of really feeling it. But it's so well done. It's really more of a love story. I could not recommend it more. Christina Kann 1:10:24 Thank you so much for that. Grace, what about you? What have you been doing lately? What do you have to recommend today? Grace Ball 1:10:29 Um, today I'm going to recommend a podcast called Noble Blood. Christina Kann 1:10:36 Wait wait, did you just start listening to that? Grace Ball 1:10:39 I've been listening to it for a little while. Christina Kann 1:10:41 Oh my god. I just started listening to that podcast in the past couple weeks. Grace Ball 1:10:43 Really? Well, great choice. It's really good. It's hosted by Dana Schwartz. And basically she just kind of goes through stories of some messy royals, man. It's crazy. Christina Kann 1:10:55 It is crazy. Grace Ball 1:10:56 Just like so much murder. Christina Kann 1:10:58 Yeah, when people were like "George RR Martin, why did you write these fucked up books?" and he's like, "Joke's on you. It's based on history." This is the show where you're like, "Oh, my God, he was completely right." Grace Ball 1:11:09 Yeah, it's very good. I definitely recommend just like starting from the top and just binging it, because it's awesome. Christina Kann 1:11:17 Hell yeah. Thank you so much. And obviously I second that plug. So I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann. You can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. And this week I'm going to plug the book Ariadne by Jennifer Saint. It's a retelling of, you know, the Ariadne story from Greek mythology, which involves the Minotaur in the labyrinth and Daedalus and Icarus and Theseus and Dionysus, they all end in sus. Weird. That's pretty sus. It's a very lovely retelling, a more contemporary retelling, of an old Greek myth, and we actually are reading it for our August Movie Night Crew Book Club, which we're doing over on the Discord. It's been really exciting to be able to talk to people as we're reading it. Yeah, I recommend Ariadne by Jennifer Saint. Well, that's the end of it. Thank you so much, ladies for coming on and chatting with me about the Goblet of Fire and about all that we've read so far and fielding some questions from our beloved listeners. Brooke Matherly 1:12:33 Here we go again. Grace Ball 1:12:35 Yay! Christina Kann 1:12:36 Yeah, here we go again. Get ready, because it's um, I mean, this is the grown up ride now. Brooke Matherly 1:12:41 This is that roller coaster that goes forwards and backwards. Christina Kann 1:12:45 Yeah, yeah. I don't want to be on this one. I don't want to. You gotta; I'm sorry. From here on out, all the books end in MURDER. Alright, gang, I gotta go finish reading "Cool Haircuts for Wizard Daddies" before this book tries to shank me. Goodbye. Brooke Matherly 1:15:32 I like can't -- I cannot chill if I cannot see that my Audacity is currently recording. 
written by Matt Cox
​SPEAKERS
Mats Furuli, Lelia Hilton, Christina Kann Christina Kann 00:22 Hi, my name is Christina, and when my cats are mad at me, I snuggle them! all 00:29 Hi! Lelia Hilton 00:29 My name is Leila, and I pooped on the potty like a big girl today! all 00:35 Hi! Mats Furuli 00:36 Hi, I'm Mats, and I'm just happy to be here! all 00:39 Hi! Lelia Hilton 00:43 Not what I was... Improv! Christina Kann 00:47 Hey, gang. Welcome to the Restricted Section. It is me, your host, Christina. And for those who can't tell already, today we're covering the music -- the off-Broadway play, Puffs. I almost said "the musical." There's no music. Lelia Hilton 01:02 I keep thinking it's a musical too, even though I've seen it. Christina Kann 01:06 I am joined today by my beloved Lelia. Lelia Hilton 01:09 Hi. Christina Kann 01:11 Hello, hello. And we also have a returning special guest, Mats. Mats Furuli 01:16 Hi! Christina Kann 01:18 Hi, Mats. We're so happy you're here. Mats Furuli 01:21 I'm so happy to be here. Christina Kann 01:22 The reason that all three of us are here today is because we are all three Puffs. Lelia Hilton 01:29 We're number 4! Christina Kann 01:33 So yes, I wanted to get all of us together to talk about the play Puffs. I was taking notes at first, but I quickly realized that it was kind of a futile endeavor. Like while I was watching it, I was like, there's no way I can type everything that's happening because this movie, this play, is essentially the entire series of events of the entire Harry Potter series from the Hufflepuffs' perspective. But it's like a parody. So the four houses are Braves, Smarts, Snakes, and Puffs. And like, what are the Hufflepuffs doing? There's this guy named Wayne who's the main character, and he's just like so deeply unspecial. They're just having a great time, and fuckin Harry's just floppin around getting plot done. Mats Furuli 02:33 Like completely by accident. Christina Kann 02:40 So much of the reason that this play was even on my radar is because you've mentioned it a lot. And you want to tell everyone a little bit about like, when did you see it? Where did you hear about it from? What's your experience been? Mats Furuli 02:57 I don't know when the first time I ever heard about it was, but the first time I decided that I wanted to watch it was when Mike Schubert, host of Potterless, decided to cover it on his podcast earlier this year or like late 2020. He ran out of books, so he's covering all the extra material. I know he's been doing My Immortal recently. Yeah. Just wonderful. Just horrible. Wonderful. Yeah. And yeah, I watched it. And it was just wonderful. It blew my mind in just the most wonderful, wholesome way possible. And yeah, my life is so much better because of because of this play. Christina Kann 04:02 Me too. So um, Lelia and I both watched it for the first time this week. And Lelia, what are your initial feelings? Lelia Hilton 04:13 I was fortunate enough to watch it with Haley. And Haley is a great person to watch anything with because yeah, she's so smart and funny. And so, you know, she gave me a lot of great insight. I watched it with Haley and Jason, who are both strong Ravenclaws. Yeah. And they were just like both looking at me like knowingly the whole time. Christina Kann 04:43 I felt the same way. I watched it with Sean, who's a Slytherin, and the whole time I just kept like realizing that I was laughing so hard and looking back to make sure he was having fun. Like I feel like such a Puff. Lelia Hilton 05:01 It's such a Puff move. I feel like immediately after that, I did something super Puffy too. I mean, that's just my whole life. You know, we just care a little bit more about, like, just just hanging out and like, friendship and not being a threat. Puff formation 4! all 05:21 We are not a threat! Please be our friend! Christina Kann 05:29 Oh, I just really relate. So, there was one character--I'm just gonna get this out of the way. There was one character in Puffs that I particularly related to, and I had this feeling and then Sean was like, "That girl is you." And then Haley also texted me that that girl was me. And it's Big Stupid, Leanne. Mats Furuli 05:52 I knew it! Christina Kann 05:55 She's she is, um, what is the name of that girl from Wizards of Waverly Place? You know? Lelia Hilton 06:00 Oh, my God. Yes, Harper. Christina Kann 06:02 Harper. Lelia Hilton 06:03 Why do I know that? Christina Kann 06:05 Just like a big adorable idiot. And I'm like, okay. She's like wearing a tutu and dancing around the stage. And I was like, it's kind of annoying that she reminds me of myself until at the end, she gives the speech that moves all the Puffs to stay and fight Voldemort. And then I was like I am Leanne! Lelia Hilton 06:26 You are, and even like, down to the way she was dressed. And even her hairstyle, like everything. Everything about her. Haley for sure would not stop talking about that. She was just like, "I mean, tell me that's not Christina." And that's my best Haley impression, sorry Haley. And then she was like, "Guys, tell me that--" What's the main character's name again? Mats Furuli 06:55 Wayne. Lelia Hilton 06:56 Just like, "Tell me that Wayne doesn't look like kind of a lot like Sean." And I was like, "Oh my god, he does." They're both there! Christina Kann 07:10 Okay, Mats, which character in Puffs do you most relate to? Mats Furuli 07:14 Oh, um, I'm probably going to have to say Wayne for that one. The pop culture stuff. Christina Kann 07:22 Oh yeah, he had like good t-shirts. Ninja Turtles and something else. Lelia Hilton 07:28 They were so cute. I loved that he would always do like some kind of DIY cut-out that made it somehow Puffy. Mats Furuli 07:39 That is one of my notes as well: Wayne's shirts are my absolute favorite. Lelia Hilton 07:45 What are some specific examples, Mats? If you can remember? Mats Furuli 07:48 Oh, yeah, one of them is Wolverine, but it's like, tape like a badger head. Another one, I think, is Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, but it's Wayne, Oliver, and Megan. Lelia Hilton 08:09 So cute! Mats Furuli 08:14 It's great. Christina Kann 08:16 Lelia, who do you relate the most to? Lelia Hilton 08:20 I don't know. I related kind of to all of them as a group. I feel like I'm maybe more of a Megan. I'm not like as edgy or cool as her in any way-- Christina Kann 08:35 Dramatic. Lelia Hilton 08:36 --but I am very dramatic, as we all know. Christina Kann 08:39 She was so dramatic. Megan was like, "We're fighting!" and everyone's like, "Why? We don't have to." Lelia Hilton 08:47 Maybe not, though. She's like, a little scarier than me. Maybe I would also be like a diet version of Leanne. Christina Kann 08:59 Yeah, I did really love like, the pack mentality of the Puffs. It's like, we're in this together. I related to it so big. Like, they don't care about winning, because they're together. I've never related to anything more in my life. Lelia Hilton 09:21 Me too. I grew up in a sports family. Like, they've all played in college or in high school, all throughout their lives. And like multiple sports, so many sport things. And I never did one sport for me, not one. It was all about theater and drama and chorus and things like that. Oh, man. Yeah, ever. I'm like lazy and don't want to exert myself and have no hand-eye coordination. Other than that, the main reason I never was interested is like, I just really don't care for that type of competition. It just doesn't do anything for me. I feel like it can just be a little mean, you know? Christina Kann 10:19 Yeah. I completely agree. It's the yelling. Like being at a sporting event, the yelling is so aggressive. Okay, here's the thing: When people yell because of sports, they make my empathy alarms go off. I'm like, "Oh no, human in distress," but it's about like a very inconsequential thing that is like so far removed from our existence that I'm like, "But wait, my brain says this is stupid." Like the intersection of those two? Lelia Hilton 10:51 Yeah, I get it. I think people focus too much on competition, instead of like the experience. Mats Furuli 11:00 Just having fun. Lelia Hilton 11:05 So it's like we're number three, or even maybe we're number four. Like, either way we don't care. Like, we're, we're, it's fun. We're doing it together like Cedric's here for a little while. Speaking of how did we feel about Cedric, you know, the actor that portrayed him, and then his whole little arc that happened? Christina Kann 11:27 Okay, I there when you said Cedric, I started laughing because the actor who plays Cedric, then later plays Voldemort. And like, he looks so ridiculous in that role that I have a hard time picturing Cedric now because all I can picture is like the bathrobe and the tape on his-- Lelia Hilton 11:44 He just has tape on his nose! Christina Kann 11:46 It's the best they could do. Mats Furuli 11:49 Yeah, it's great. And like, honestly, I love James Foley as Cedric, and whenever I'm reading the books now, like, that's who I'm picturing as Cedric. Christina Kann 12:07 His whole personality screams coolest Hufflepuff. Like, yeah, I guess you're cool. But like... Lelia Hilton 12:17 Well, it's just like they say, what is it? Year Four, or the year where the Puffs mattered? It's so true, but he's much more personable and like a "cool guy" kind of Cedric. Not that we we hate on Robert Pattinson's portrayal at all. Christina Kann 12:41 Different vibes. So okay, we said that I'm similar to Leanne. That's more of like an aesthetic. She's big dumb in a way that I'm not, right? I feel like if I was in the Puffs, I would have more of a Cedric role because I'm a little bit of a leader. I build other people up. I'm like, "Come on, let's go. We're gonna get fourth place." Mats Furuli 13:05 I'm not in any way a leader. Lelia Hilton 13:07 I just thought about the part when Cedric opens up the egg. It's just a guy screaming! Mats Furuli 13:14 Oh, it's so good. Lelia Hilton 13:19 I think I almost wet my pants. For listeners, the part in the books and in the movies when they open up the egg for the triwizard tournament and like, when it's not underwater, it's it's like a very terrifying scream, and in the play it's um, it's literally just like a dude offstage, like probably Wayne or one of them just like going like *screams* Christina Kann 13:53 Honestly, this whole play had me dying laughing from the hilarious references like that to the original text. The plot that the pumps go down is like a totally different path from what Harry Potter and the gang are doing, but the all of the asides... Like in Goblet of Fire, Book 4 in Puffs, where Dumbledore is like, "Harry, did you put your name in this cup?" And he's like, "Nah," and Dumbledore's like, "I'm the definition of calm right now." You can't not mention it. For the Harry Potter fandom, that moment is like Viggo Mortensen breaking his toe. By law, you're required to mention it when it comes up. Mats Furuli 14:45 Oh my god. Christina Kann 14:46 So how do we feel like the tone of the story was different because of its perspective? Was it telling a different kind of story even? Lelia Hilton 14:56 Yeah. Christina Kann 14:56 For example, I always say that the Harry Potter narrative is a Gryffindor narrative. Like, "I am the chosen one and I need to sacrifice myself." Like so Gryffindor. But in contrast, I always say Avatar: The Last Airbender, that's a Hufflepuff series. Because it's about like, how do I do my job and protect the people I love without hurting anybody? You know what I mean? Like, how do I find balance? And that's like big Hufflepuff vibes. If so, like, how did the the context switch when our main characters switched? Lelia Hilton 15:03 Um, I mean, one of the biggest things is just really seeing how much of a minor role like Harry -- it just kind of shows you the perspective of the entire story, and just like how Harry's quest and how Harry's arc really kind of fucked up, everybody else's life. Christina Kann 15:54 The play Puffs kind of framed it as if Harry was going on side quests that were fucking up the main quest, you know, it's like, dude, you gotta stop. Like, we're trying to just go to school here. Mats Furuli 16:09 Yeah, while the Harry Potter books are very much a like "chosen one," Puffs, in contrast, is like, this one guy wanting so badly to be the Chosen One, the hero, and he's having to come to grips with the fact that we're all in this together, like, having to learn that whole mentality. And yeah, I think, like as a Hufflepuff myself, I think it's a really nice mentality to have. Christina Kann 16:58 Yeah, absolutely. Lelia Hilton 16:59 Well, just like in Hamilton, you know, we have no control who lives, who dies, who tells our story. Mats Furuli 17:14 There is literally a quote from Puffs, where the narrator goes, "Who lives, who dies," and every time I'm watching him, like, "Who tells your story?" Lelia Hilton 17:29 *singing* "I tell your story." Christina Kann 17:31 Okay. We can't do this. Because when that part of Hamilton comes up I am sobbing. Like she lives on to tell his story. It was her story the whole time! Okay. Sorry, sorry, Lelia Hilton 17:42 *singing* "Let me tell you what I'm proudest of." Mats Furuli 17:45 *singing* "The orphanage!" Christina Kann 17:45 Okay, shut up. Don't TALK TO ME ABOUT THE ORPHANAGE! So I also really love how this is, this is the opposite of a "chosen one" story. It's like the chosen one in this story is like, an like a non-entity. And it's like, you cannot just sit around waiting for the chosen one. And you also can't thrust yourself into the spotlight and be the chosen one. You have to look around who is standing beside you and make a promise to work together to protect each other. And that's when I started crying at the end, when they all decide when Leanne gives her speech, and it's like, this is what Puffs do, is they just like, they protect what they love. And they do it together. Mats Furuli 18:41 What you said is exactly why I love the portrayal of Harry's character in this play as well, because you can't want to be in the spotlight. And then like on the other hand, Harry's just like stumbling into the spotlight just succeeding without really meaning to. Christina Kann 19:05 Yes, "stumbling" is a perfect word. I feel like the actor who played Harry in this was like a drunk toddler just like walking around, like wandering into danger or wandering out of danger. Also, if you're listening to this, you haven't seen it yet, just stop and go watch it. Because like the things that we're describing are so much funnier seen than described. Mats Furuli 19:30 Yeah I have a really had time in any way shape or form describing or like doing this play justice. Like you're you're going to have to watch it. Christina Kann 19:40 There is no like describing live theatre and I mean, this is a particular one where it's like, you got to experience. Mats Furuli 19:48 A hundred percent. And I just want to add that Madeline Bundy, who plays Harry and Moaning Myrtle -- I just love the fact that the same person plays Harry and Moaning Myrtle -- but also Susie Bones, also was the lead set designer, prop designer, and costume designer for this play. It's wild. Christina Kann 20:18 That is so crazy. So that brings me to a good point is that I mean, at least from a spectators perspective, watching this you can tell that every actor plays like 15 different characters, and it's like so impressive when the whole cast comes out at the end. You're like "Oh, yeah, there's only like 10 of these guys running around the stage like maniacs the whole time," but they each do such a good job. There's that one actor who plays McGonagall, Dumbledore #1, Professor Sprout, Megan's mom, every adult. She's got adult face, I guess. Lelia Hilton 20:58 She's she's got the cheekbones. Christina Kann 21:03 Totally. And she did Hannah Abbott too. But I think she is like the first voice that you hear in the whole play because she's doing a McGonagall voice. And I was like, "Damn, that's a really good accent." Mats Furuli 21:15 That's a really good McGonagall impression holy shit. Lelia Hilton 21:19 Also, the actress who plays Harry does the best Moaning Myrtle impression I think that I've ever heard. Like, we were dying. Christina Kann 21:30 It's very good. Just another special Harry moment. Harry's like your friend who just like always needs a hug, kind of. I feel like this version of Harry's always-- Lelia Hilton 21:41 *kissing sounds* Christina Kann 21:42 Yeah! He kisses Wayne's shoulder. He doesn't just kiss Wayne's shoulder; he kisses Wayne's shoulder four times in rapid succession. That makes it like so much cuter. Like an automatic weapon of kisses. Lelia Hilton 21:58 And Harry in Hermione. How did you like their portrayal? How did you like the actors? Christina Kann 22:03 Yes! That's what I was gonna bring up next. Lelia Hilton 22:06 Ron and Hermione, sorry. Christina Kann 22:07 Oh, yeah. When I started being like, "you have to see this because describing it is stupid," it reminded me that I was trying to get to Ronand Hermione are both played ostensibly by brooms. Lelia Hilton 22:19 Mops? I don't know. Christina Kann 22:20 Yeah, mops. Mats Furuli 22:21 To be fair, I think the personality of Ron's character in this play pretty much exactly fits the character in the movies. Lelia Hilton 22:32 Yeah, you're right. Christina Kann 22:34 Harry has his whole fight and falling out with Ron as an mop. Mats Furuli 22:41 And then Oliver comes in, and he's like, "Okay, I'm sure you guys will be fine." And then, "Hey, look, there's no need for you to be an asshole. Jeez! You really are the worst member of your family." Christina Kann 22:57 Oh, my God. Yeah. Have you all seen The Good Place? Mats Furuli 23:02 Yeah. Lelia Hilton 23:02 Yeah, not all of it. Christina Kann 23:06 Did Oliver in this remind you of Chidi a little bit? Mats Furuli 23:08 Oh my god, yeah! Lelia Hilton 23:09 Oh, yeah! Christina Kann 23:11 Just like a little uptight. Like a little "Come on, bud, loosen up. You've got a great personality, but you're super uptight. You got to chill out." Lelia Hilton 23:19 Oh my god, how much would that suck? Imagine being told you're a literal like mathematician, child genius. And then you're like the best student at your school. And then they're like, "Just kidding. You're going to wizard school. You suck. You're not brave or smart." Christina Kann 23:44 Okay, like obviously not to the same extent, but like that is kind of what happened to Hermione in the book. Like she was a gifted child, right, who had devoted her life to studying, and then surprise, none of this matters to you; you have to go start over.I think that's why she was such a brat in the first book, because she is like trying to prove so hard that like she's got this, you know? Yeah. Little Oliver with his little shorts. Lelia Hilton 24:10 And his mismatched paisley socks. Christina Kann 24:13 Yeah. So something else that I liked about this is -- so the main trio is Wayne, who was like, you know, the stand-in for Harry. He's like the anti-chosen one. And then there's Megan, who sort of denies her Puff identity. She comes from a long family of Puffs, who wish they were Snakes, basically. And so she believes in her heart of hearts that she's an evil snake, so she hates being a Puff. And then there's Oliver, who is like a genius who learned that he's a wizard and has to start over. So one thing I really liked is how different those three characters were from each other because Harry and Ron and Hermione have a lot in common. They're all sort of dry, boring British people but also like, the way that they approach any situation is just like pretty much pure Gryffindor at all times. You know what I mean? Like they're really similar, but I felt like Megan, Wayne, and Oliver are like so different. They made a really strong trio because their skills are so different. The personalities are different. Just love them. Lelia Hilton 25:21 Yeah, I think you're right. I love the contrast. I also think that Megan trying so so so hard to prove that she's not a Puff is just like the most Puff thing that she could have done. Mats Furuli 25:35 Like full-on identity crisis. She goes from being a Snake in year one to "I'm into books now" in year two. And then in three, she's like, "Okay, yeah, I'm going to be with the Braves this year, because everything notable that ever happens in this school, happens to them" and then the first Brave that stumbles into the room is Neville. Christina Kann 26:10 Yeah, and then by the end Megan is like so happy to be a Puff. And like, I relate to that. I feel like when I was younger, I was like, "Being nice is stupid. I'm smarter than everyone, I got this, and fuck you guys." I've said before that I was pretty shitty person when I was younger. And it was part of my journey that I like I'm like, yeah, Puff is the way to be. Yeah, Puff's the way to be. Lelia Hilton 26:35 It's okay to not be the toughest or the bravest or strongest, you know, sometimes it's a little bit more special to be that person that people feel comfortable coming to and feel comfortable gathering with. Christina Kann 26:47 Yeah, yeah, gathering. Lelia, Mats, I swear to God, we're gonna gather one day. Just you wait. all 26:54 *singing* JUST YOU WAIT! Mats Furuli 26:56 Hamilton again. Christina Kann 27:00 Yeah, but definitely, Leila and I show a lot of love by inviting people into our home and making them eat food and get drunk basically. Mats Furuli 27:09 I'm the biggest introvert in the history of introverts. So I cannot relate to that part. But yeah, I think I do enjoy being around people. I'm just really bad at taking initiative. Lelia Hilton 27:23 Well, that's okay. At least for me and Christina, our best friends are pretty much all introverts because what's happened is that we've gone into the world and just kind of like forced them into our friendship. Christina Kann 27:35 Shut up, Lelia, please tell the story of Jason and Haley. Lelia Hilton 27:40 Oh, the vax story? Oh my god. Christina Kann 27:45 Please, tell us a story. Lelia Hilton 27:46 So we all know Haley, sweet Haley, can be a little shy, even though that's hard to believe for her on the podcast, but she's very introverted, as is my husband, Jason. He's as introverted as I am extroverted, basically. And they try, they do the do. And they both were going to get their second shots of their vaccines for COVID. And they both happened to have appointments at the same place and same time in Richmond, didn't know. They're standing in line, or should I say in queue? Christina Kann 28:22 They're like five feet apart. Lelia Hilton 28:23 They're five feet apart from each other in queue, in line. And Haley just starts sending me texts while I'm at work, and she's like, "I think that this--" I feel like I should pull it up. Just like "I think this guy that I'm seeing, he's like tall and blond and looks exactly like Jason. But like, also, it could be not Jason, because he has on his mask. And then like, What would I say? What if it wasn't? What would I do then? And then what if it was Jason, what do we do? We can't talk from there." Then she sends me a picture and she's like, "Ma'am, is this your husband?" Like, yes! Christina Kann 29:06 Just ask him! I had like, I have like a long conversation with Haley after that. I was like, "Hey, babe, next time just be like, yo Jason!" and if he doesn't turn around, you're good. And she's like, "What if he does her? What if he's like, I'm not Jason!" Lelia Hilton 29:20 Like, I don't think anyone would do that. But yeah, and then later, before I got home, I called Jason. I was like, "Hi, why didn't you say hi to Haley?" And he was like, "What the fuck? How did you know about that?" Christina Kann 29:34 Okay, so the whole story is just to demonstrate that we to have friends who need their emotional support extrovert. Lelia Hilton 29:42 And we're here for you. Christina Kann 29:43 Oh, there was a meme going around the internet that -- well by "going around the internet" I mean, I saw it one time a long time ago. It was a Slytherin saying "Ma'am, I need that. That's my emotional support Hufflepuff." That's how I feel was Sean. Lelia Hilton 30:01 It made me feel good about myself a little bit. Not really at first -- I mean not always because they do portray the Puffs like in a very big dumb energy Christina Kann 30:12 Big dumb. Like all himbos. Lelia Hilton 30:14 All himbos. Christina Kann 30:16 Yeah but I agree that it was like the first time that I ever felt pride in being a Hufflepuff that wasn't in an abstract, fandom kind of way. I know this was a fan-produced show, but it was almost like giving me cannon to identify with. Which I guess is sometimes the whole point of fan-fiction, to fill in the gaps where the author has failed. And the Hufflepuffs in the Harry Potter series, with a couple exceptions, are not portrayed very well. Really it's like Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, or like go home because obviously, all Slytherins are evil, we'll get to that in a minute with the Snakes. But also the Puffs are like just kind of like jellyfish. They just suck. Justin Finch-Fletchley is just like a whiny bitch boy; just like, come on, buck up. It's a snake. You got it. And then there's Ernie MacMillan, whomst I hate so much. Lelia Hilton 31:16 Ernie Mac in the play. Christina Kann 31:19 Yeah. And then Justin Finch-Fletchley was J-Finch. He was like -- I don't remember what he said. He was like, "I'm boyish, like cute." Lelia Hilton 31:27 He was always like, "I'm J-Finchin' over here." All I remember is that everybody in the play just started treating him like he was invisible. Christina Kann 31:37 Imaginary. Yeah, because Leanne says it once. She's like, "Blah, blah, blah. And like J-Finch, he's a great wizard, even though he's imaginary." And you could see his face just be like, "Am I fuckin imaginary?" Lelia Hilton 31:52 Very un-Puff of everyone to gang up against him. Christina Kann 31:59 Um, so let's talk about the Snakes. The way that this play, like pokes fun at the Harry Potter series is by like, doubling down on things. So they're like, "All Snakes are evil, and that kid looks like he would throw a glass of white wine in your face," right? Which is the funniest description of anyone I've ever heard in my life. Lelia Hilton 32:24 They all have this expression that looks like they're about to throw a glass of white wine on your face. They're all, you know, 12 but they all still share that expression. Christina Kann 32:35 Honestly, 12-year-old Tom Felton did look like he would throw a glass of white wine in your face. Lelia Hilton 32:45 Totally, completely. Christina Kann 32:47 Yeah. So good casting there. Did we even see any Snakes? Were there any Snake characters? I don't even remember. Mats Furuli 32:59 We did get a little bit of Draco. Christina Kann 33:02 Oh, yeah. If you think Harry was joke, Draco was a goddamn joke. He had like a tiara, right? Or like a crown. Mats Furuli 33:13 Oh and a little bit of goyle during the Sorting. Just the name "Goyle." Christina Kann 33:20 I've thought about that before, about how Crabbe and Goyle's names are Vincent and Gregory, which are so much more attractive names. Like a man named Vincent, he could be attractive. You know what I mean? But not Crabbe. Lelia Hilton 33:45 Also the name Vincent Crabbe just reminds me of like, a really cute animated crab named Vincent. Christina Kann 33:53 *singing* Vincent the crab, just pinchin on shit. Lelia Hilton 33:58 J-pinch. Christina Kann 34:04 Oh my god. Darwin went to the Galapagos to study the J-pinches. Lelia Hilton 34:11 And he was disappointed. Christina Kann 34:15 Let's talk about the teachers in this play. I think the teacher we saw the most was like -- Oh, we got to see Snape considerably. Like Snape was a joke, Snape had nothing to do with the plot. Leila is doing a gag right now. You gotta watch the play to figure out what it is. Yeah, there's a bit where Snape gives a sex ed talk. And if you think Alan Rickman's voice in the Harry Potter movies is like low and dramatic, you have no idea. Lelia Hilton 34:49 He really sits on the quality that Alan Rickman has. I like to call it lovingly "the egg," or the old "egg yolk in the back of the throat" sound. Christina Kann 34:59 I call it the whomping. He was womping so hard that I couldn't understand anything he said. I don't think you were supposed to. Lelia Hilton 35:13 No. Christina Kann 35:14 It sounds if you're watching a movie and a grenade goes off near someone, or like a gunshot, and they have temporary hearing loss, and everything's just like, "Womp womp womp." That's what it was like. Lelia Hilton 35:27 Good description. Christina Kann 35:28 I was like, "What is he saying?" So he was a joke, which I appreciated. It's like, we're not even gonna get into this. Lelia Hilton 35:37 And then, he was still in love with "Lillith" in this one. Which reminds me of Frasier. If anyone likes Frasier. Christina Kann 35:45 Oh, I have not watched Frasier. Lelia Hilton 35:47 I highly recommend; it ages really well. Christina Kann 35:50 I think it's good to know at age as well. Lelia Hilton 36:04 Yeah, it does. They certainly don't all. Christina Kann 36:09 Ain't that the truth? But you know what does age well? Puffs. Lelia Hilton 36:14 Nice. Christina Kann 36:14 Thank you, bringing us back. And then there was that one actor who played McGonagall, Sprout, and Dumbledore #1. They switched actors for Dumbledore when the films did, which was so funny. This one actor just did like everything, like all of her different teachers' voices were so impressive, like vocal control, you know? Lelia Hilton 36:40 Yes. And then what's up with -- what is it? Zach? What's the name of the Quidditch -- Christina Kann 36:45 Zach Smith? Lelia Hilton 36:46 Zack Smith! Mats Furuli 36:48 The fucking Quidditch tryouts. Christina Kann 36:52 Did y'all watch the outtakes at the end? Lelia Hilton 36:55 Yes, I did. Mats Furuli 36:56 Yeah. Christina Kann 36:57 So the actor was like -- they put a little subtitle on the screen, saying that the actor is allowed to come out and say whatever he wants to start the Quidditch tryouts. So this actor went on like a five-minute-long monologue describing the plot of 27 Dresses as if it had happened to him personally. Mats Furuli 37:18 It's probably my favorite scene in the entire show -- or in the entire play -- because, like, improvised -- fucking, yeah. Christina Kann 37:28 Hilarious, like, really the funniest shit. And at the end, during the credits, they showed some outtakes of all the different ideas. Some people are funny, dude. Improv is hard. You just got to keep talking. Lelia Hilton 37:45 I hope it works out. Hope it's funny. Mats Furuli 37:48 I'm really bad at improv. Christina Kann 37:52 That's why I'm just like, so passingly okay at improv, because I can literally keep talking forever. Anyway, where even was I? Backing up... Zach Smith.. backing up. That was that was the actor who played J-Finch. All of the kids played -- I call them kids because they're Hogwarts students. All of the actors played so many different people. There was a lot of very -- Okay, so I did theater in high school. Mats, did you? Have you ever done theater? Mats Furuli 38:29 No. Christina Kann 38:29 Not your vibe; I get it. And I know Lelia's done theater. Some of those quick changes were so quick. And in the beginning, I was really impressed. I mean, the whole thing is very impressive. But you quickly realize that they're all wearing like 17 layers of clothing that they keep just like rearranging. It's smart. But a couple a couple of those quick changes were like, "Oh, shit!" Mats Furuli 38:51 Yeah. Christina Kann 38:51 There was one scene where Leanne like fell off the stage and I was like, "That was kind of dumb." But one split second later, the the actress comes back on as Fleur Delacour. Like, "Oh, okay, I get it now." Like very impressive. It really took me back to high school, where I was part of the team, the Quick Change team, which is super fun if your leading man is very hot. Eric Fisher, Eric Fischer, if you're out there, love you, bud. He used to run off stage, and all the girls would be there stripping his clothes off as fast as we could, like QUICKLY! And then we'd shove him back into his like, waistcoat and cap or whatever, we'd be like, "Get out there, stud." So that was a lot of fun. And yeah, it took me right back. I just love the theater dude. It involves so much more -- obviously movies are great, but like movies have Hollywood, you know what I mean? And plays are -- you need to design every element of them to be seamless and straightforward. You know what I mean? It's like people and things need to be where they're supposed to be, everything has to work right the first time because it's live, you know. And so you can tell how aggressively they've practiced. And, like, I cannot convey enough how much every single person on the cast walked like all over the stage at all times. So there was like four or five doors -- maybe like six doors, I don't remember, four to six doors -- that they were just coming in and out of constantly. That was their set structure was these doors. There was this one moment where two of the doors across the stage from each other both open, and the two actors make eye contact, or maybe they like, shoot a spell at each other. And I was like, that precision is insane. Dude, precision. Lelia Hilton 40:48 Yeah. I mean, I think it's, I find something extremely charming about these types of productions that are clearly done on the budget of like, a ham sandwich, you know? all 40:57 Yeah. Lelia Hilton 40:58 Because the thing is that it doesn't take anything away from it at all. If anything, it just adds more charm. I mean, when you see Wayne with his t-shirts, where he's literally taken like a piece of construction paper and like, drawn a badger's head and taped it to his shirt. Christina Kann 41:19 Yeah, since we're back on this shirt subject again, the one that made me laugh is that Megan was wearing what was clearly a Nirvana shirt, but they taped over it and it just said "90s Grunge Band." I don't know why it made me laugh. I was like, "That's obviously Nirvana." Lelia Hilton 41:41 Hers were really funny. I mean, all of the costumes, all of this sets, pretty much everything. There was nothing spectacular about any of it. It wasn't about the spectacle. It was about these actors that just worked their asses off and gave an amazing performance. The script was great. Clearly there has to have been more than one director. I mean, how...? Christina Kann 42:05 To something like this together? Lelia Hilton 42:07 Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. But you're right. I mean, like, who knows how long it took everybody to practice? Cuz you're right. The thing about theater is like, in Hollywood, it's so glossy. And the actors are pretty much all stars. Christina Kann 42:22 And it's not like that doesn't take work. But it's totally different. Lelia Hilton 42:27 Completely different. And it's a lot more high stakes when you can't just yell "cut" and do another take. Christina Kann 42:34 Yes, yeah, you have to learn how to do right the first time. Lelia Hilton 42:38 And every time. Mats Furuli 42:40 The thought of doing theater terrifies me for that reason. Christina Kann 42:44 It's terrifying. It's terrifying. I really am not the kind of person who is prone to nerves, but it's the Puff in me, the notion of fucking up other people is like, the worst thing I could possibly imagine. It's like a lot. If I fuck up in a way that fucks other people up. I'm done. Mats Furuli 43:04 Yeah. Christina Kann 43:07 And that's why improv stresses me out a lot. When I did improv like a year or two ago now, I had such bad anxiety because it's such a team sport. You have to be giving to your scene partner, like so much. And it's like, if you fail them, then it's like, "I'm sorry. You failed because I failed first." Lelia Hilton 43:30 Yeah, it's a it's a team effort, which is terrifying. But also like, what's more Puff? You know? Christina Kann 43:35 Yeah, you're right. And Puffs aren't afraid of failure. Lelia Hilton 43:39 Yeah. Well, everyone's a little afraid of failure, I think.You were talking about like, fucking up on stage. Let's see. I was in plays all throughout high school, but I went to a center for the arts high school where the actors -- where the kids; they were children; it was high school -- where the children were very serious about theater. Like, that's what they wanted to do. So, in order to get the lead in a play, you had to be like, good. You couldn't just be like the only girl who can sing there. Like, no, you had to be like a triple threat. Christina Kann 44:18 My school was like that, too. Lelia is a little butthurt because Jason got a lot of leading roles at his other school. Lelia Hilton 44:25 Danny in Greece. Are you serious right now? Christina Kann 44:28 If you've met Jason -- I love the man and he's great at a lot of things. But I feel like if you've met him, you're like, "I don't see where Jason and Danny overlap." Like, where's the overlap? Lelia Hilton 44:41 Not really what you'd think of as leading man material, but you know, just one man's opinion. I was in A Midsummer Night's Dream, the play, which was super fun. We did it -- I don't even know -- my sophomore year? Christina Kann 44:56 That is such a fun play to put on. Lelia Hilton 44:59 So fun and very funny, and the kids were so talented that they had the audience dying laughing at a Shakespeare play in high school. So it was wonderful. But you know, I was a nobody, so I was Peaseblossom. Christina Kann 45:16 That's the most fun, though, is just be a fucking fairy running around. Lelia Hilton 45:19 I was a little fairy. And there's much of the play which consists of my least favorite thing to do on stage, which is sit there and be quiet. Christina Kann 45:29 Yeah, they do just be observing for so much of that play. Lelia Hilton 45:33 It's hard, yo. I'm fidgety AF. And it's really hard for me to sit somewhere but still focus on what's going on. So as you can imagine, what happened was most nights when we were performing, I would just be sitting there, and I should have just been listening so that I could be ready for my, you know, like, two lines. And instead, what happened was an awful silence encompassed to the stage. And all of a sudden, I snapped back to reality and I was like, "I'm on stage" and I was like, "And I and and, and you to my Lord," or whatever my line was. Yeah, that's a terrifying feeling, to just be sitting there and then there's just silence. Christina Kann 46:15 It's your silence. Lelia Hilton 46:16 It's my silence. Christina Kann 46:20 Okay, well, now that all of our listeners have a ton of anxiety in their stomachs, um, uh, who who is your favorite character in this? We already asked who did you relate the most to, but who is your favorite character? Lelia Hilton 46:32 Uh, so hard. Mats, do you know? It's hard to pick. They're also great. Christina Kann 46:36 Yeah, I do really like Wayne. Which is kind of weird because well, I don't really typically like the characters that I relate to, I don't think but-- Mats, love yourself. Mats Furuli 46:51 It's hard, okay! Lelia Hilton 46:54 Don't talk about our friend that way, Mats. Christina Kann 46:56 Well, it's cool that the Puffs have given us a main character that is relatable. And it's like, wow, he's having a hard time with some really relatable shit. I can't relate to this prophecy bullshit, Harry, get over yourself. Mats Furuli 47:10 Oh, yeah. Lelia Hilton 47:12 What does he say at the beginning? During the sorting hat time, he's like, "What about if like, sir, for example, like, a kid didn't have maybe like a strong enough personality for any of that?" Mats Furuli 47:25 Yeah, didn't have enough of a personality to be sorted into anything. Christina Kann 47:31 Your only personality trait is that you look like you're about to throw a glass of white wine in someone's face. Lelia Hilton 47:38 Yeah, at least it's not that. Mats Furuli 47:41 I'd rather have a bland personality than talk as though I'm about to throw a glass of wine into someone's face. Lelia Hilton 47:50 Yeah, but just to reiterate, I don't feel that you have a bland personality at all. Mats Furuli 47:56 Oh, certainly not. See, that's the thing. That's the thing.The way that Hufflepuffs are depicted in Harry Potter is a caricature. And once you start putting real life people into Hufflepuff house, it has like a beautiful varied personality. All shades of yellow, you know? It's beautiful. 50 shades of yellow. No. Lelia Hilton 48:17 50 shades of yellow. Oh, that sounds -- Christina Kann 48:20 I love it. I love it. That's like -- I'm not gonna say it. Lelia Hilton 48:24 It's pee. It's piss. It sounds like piss. It sounds like sex and piss. Just say it, Christina. Christina Kann 48:31 No, my brain went grosser. Lelia Hilton 48:33 Oh. Christina Kann 48:33 I don't have to say it on the podcast. Okay. No, no, I have to say it now. To me, it sounds like a diaper explosion. all 48:40 *screams* Lelia Hilton 48:44 Ew!!! Christina Kann 48:45 Moving on. In this Zoom call, we have two shades of yellow because Mats is wearing a Restricted Section shirt, and I'm an idiot and I never think to dress up for anything, but I happen to be wearing a very deep mustard yellow button-up because I had a lot of meetings. So Mats, is that your final answer? Wayne? Mats Furuli 49:05 Yeah, I think so. Christina Kann 49:06 That's a strong choice. Lelia, what about you? Lelia Hilton 49:08 I really enjoyed the actor who played Harry Potter and also Moaning Myrtle and Susie. And that was that was about it, right? Christina Kann 49:22 You can only do so much. Lelia Hilton 49:24 You say that, but some of them be playing like six fucking characters. Mats Furuli 49:29 The same two people played all the teachers. Christina Kann 49:31 Yeah, it did get confusing when like Leanne would walk offstage and then walk back onstage, and like, we're in love with her now. It's like, "Wait -- oh, she's different. She's a different person now. She's wearing different clothes. She's wearing a different hat. I get it." Lelia Hilton 49:44 Suspension of disbelief is extremely important in a play like this, where every actor plays lots of parts. Except I don't think Wayne played anything else, except he might have been like hooded up as a Snake. Christina Kann 49:58 I definitely saw him in a hood and I was like, that's our boy Wayne right there. Lelia Hilton 50:03 That's my boy! Wayne, you're not a real Snake. Christina Kann 50:07 So Lelia, pulled a Puff. I asked what your favorite character was, and you listed two actors and all six characters that they played, or whatever. Lelia Hilton 50:16 Oh, I have to just pick one? Okay. Christina Kann 50:17 Pick one character. Lelia Hilton 50:19 Um, okay. Um, oh gosh, I hate that I'm doing this, but I really liked Harry. Christina Kann 50:25 I did too. Lelia Hilton 50:26 Yeah? Mats Furuli 50:27 He was great. Christina Kann 50:29 Harry is so much funnier in this than he ever is in Harry Potter. Lelia Hilton 50:34 And so endearing. Christina Kann 50:36 He's very endearing. He has, like I said, drunk toddler energy, just like confused and raring to go, you know? Lelia Hilton 50:45 I feel like they could have gone another way with it and make Harry a little bit more like hottie. Christina Kann 50:53 Himbo. Lelia Hilton 50:53 Or Yeah, we're just make him like a little bit more -- because he is does literally like fuck up their entire lives. They could have kind of focused on that more and went a little more negative with him, but they didn't. They were just like, "I guess this is just our lives now." And then at the same time they still made Harry somebody who can kind of fit into the Puffs world. Christina Kann 51:16 Yeah, it's almost like this Harry is the Hufflepuff perspective of book Harry. It's just a silly friend doing his best, you know, just like stumbling around getting into shenanigans. Like, you know what I mean? Cast a yellow light on the whole situation. Lelia Hilton 51:33 Well, it's such a loving perspective. Christina Kann 51:36 Yeah, loving. Lelia Hilton 51:37 I mean, what's the Snakes' perspective of Harry? Just like this -- Christina Kann 51:43 James Potter? Lelia Hilton 51:44 Yeah, this arrogant James Potter idiot douchebag who doesn't deserve anything and is like ruining everything. And it should have been me, me, me. And then versus the Puffs' perspective is just like, "Oh, you know, like, that's our friend Harry. And like, you know, he's always getting into trouble. And he's always kind of like doing kooky things, but it's okay. Like, we're here for him if he needs." Mats Furuli 52:09 I definitely think that Wayne gets kind of annoyed with Harry. Lelia Hilton 52:13 Oh, yeah. Christina Kann 52:13 That's part of his arc. Mats Furuli 52:15 Yep. Christina Kann 52:17 Because in order to become a true Puff, you need your Puffness tested, and you need to overcome it and become a stronger Puff on the other side. Mats Furuli 52:25 100%. Christina Kann 52:26 So I also was going to list Harry as my favorite character. I feel like that's a role where the actor brought everything to that role. You know what I mean? I think that someone with a personality that was a little different would -- like if Leanne, the actor who played Leanne -- had played Harry -- could have done it. Would have looked weird. She's like a tall-ass redhead. But it would have been like a different energy. So I feel like you can really feel the energy of that Harry actor coming through. I'll go ahead and say that my favorite character was -- this is what happens when we get to plugs every week on this fucking podcast. I'm like, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. My favorite character -- um, I -- fuck, it's just Harry. No, no. Okay, wait. I really liked Cedric too. I don't feel like the films conveyed him as big Hufflepuff energy. He just has a "white British boy" personality like every other fucking person in that movie. Nothing about him says Hufflepuff except that he's like, "Hey, guys, maybe don't bully this younger student." You know what I mean? It's like, not quite enough. But this Cedric in Puffs was a leader and he was a sweetie and he was a tender boy and I loved him. Lelia Hilton 53:46 Yeah, he was a wonderful leader. Christina Kann 53:48 Yeah, he really was. He got people excited to lose. You know what I mean? Yeah, I admire him. Mats Furuli 53:57 He's definitely one of my favorites as well. Christina Kann 53:59 Yeah. I love every character that was different from from the original text. McGonagall was the same, a lot of the teachers were like exactly the same. Sprout at one point basically comes off the backstage high, basically, like, "What do you need? Alright, well, is everything okay? All right. Bye." Or like, whatever she said. I don't even remember that exchange. Lelia Hilton 54:23 That's another character that that mom character plays right? She's like, "50 points from Gryffindor for upsetting my plants." From Puff -- from Hufflepuff -- from Puff. Ugh! Christina Kann 54:41 A little Hufflepuff-n-stuff. Um, okay, so I'm gonna ask one closing question, and then we'll wrap it up. So my final question is, what was your favorite joke in Puffs that was a nod to the original text, or the movie. I keep saying "text" but like, you know what I'm saying. Which was your favorite joke that was clearly making fun of Harry Potter? Lelia Hilton 55:03 There's so many. Mats Furuli 55:04 Yeah, there are a lot. I loved every time where there's an event from the books where a character does something, and then we see in Puffs that the action from that character was sparked by Wayne doing something. Like Wayne crashing into Ginny and convincing Ginyto throw the diary into the toilet. Christina Kann 55:34 Yes! Mats Furuli 55:34 And also when he convinces Cedric to ask Cho out to the Yule Ball. Lelia Hilton 55:45 Oh yeah. Mats Furuli 55:46 What's the what's the last one I'm thinking? in year five, when Dumbledore comes in, and he's like, "Hey, so have you seen Harry? I'm thinking about maybe explaining some things about his past and why I've been avoiding him." And Wayne's just like, "Yeah, I haven't seen him." "Okay, I guess we'll just wait until the end of the year." Christina Kann 56:10 Wayne is just like shit-faced and is like, "No, I haven't fucking seen him." Um, I really liked the bit where -- this is such a classic comedy bit. Just the juxtaposition when Voldemort is doing his scary loud voice thing over all of Hogwarts and he's like, "Bring Harry to me." And then he keeps talking and he doesn't realize he's still on loudspeaker. Mats Furuli 56:45 He's like "Did anyone bring any board games? Or snacks?" Christina Kann 56:51 That actor's performance of Voldemort reminded me so much of Him from Powerpuff Girls. Do y'all know who I'm talking about? Lelia Hilton 57:00 No, but Haley said something about that, too. Christina Kann 57:03 Ooh! Haley, this one's for you, babe. Okay, well, I'll put a clip in the show notes. Go check out Him. I it's the voice. It's the voice, it's very like, *lofty voice* "Oh, wow, well well well." I feel like that also sounded like I was trying to do a McGonagall impression. Lelia Hilton 57:23 It's kind of like when any of us try to do any accent as well. *terribly British accent* "Oh, oh, wicked good, biscuits, tea and biscuits. Christina Kann 57:36 Oh my god. Lelia, what was your favorite crossover moment? Lelia Hilton 57:41 I can't get this out of my head. I already talked about; I wish I didn't. But the stupid screaming cup. Goddammit. I mean, I'd like I think I might have peed from laughing so hard. It's that funny. It's just like a clever joke, a really simple joke, it's so simple that like, I wish I had thought of it. Christina Kann 58:03 Yes! And there's a lot of jokes like that in this play, where it's just a split second. And if you miss it, it's fine. But like, you're gonna miss them if you're not paying attention. This was a no-devices viewing. Just me and the TV, eye contact for two straight hours. Lelia Hilton 58:21 I agree. I thought about taking notes and then I was like, "Yeah, no, I need to be here. I gotta be here and present." Christina Kann 58:27 Yeah, well, here I didn't even -- let me pull up my fucking notes, because I did write them, and I pulled them up for this. Here's my notes. Okay. "Year one :Harry Potter is super cute. Emo Puff Megan. Herbology is awesome. Is Ron a broom?" I don't know why I like -- obviously Ron was a mop. I don't know why my brain was like "broom broom broom." Okay, my next note is "Puff formation number four. We are not a threat. Please be our friend." Which, I love that so much. I feel like that's me walking into the bathroom at like a concert. You know, and I'm like, "I'm not a threat. Please be my friend." Lelia Hilton 59:04 Yes. Haley actually said perhaps that should be what we chant when we have new guests on the pod. Christina Kann 59:15 Okay, here's the fun note. This play took time for weird asides, which I feel like is very Puffy. Huffy Puffy. You know what I mean? Like they got off on tangents just to make us giggle. And that feels like a bunch of stoned Hufflepuffs in a room trying to tell a story, you know? Lelia Hilton 59:31 Hundo p. Christina Kann 59:32 Yeah. I'm almost done with my notes, don't worry. Mats Furuli 59:36 I have so many notes. Christina Kann 59:39 Well Mats, you'd seen this before. I should have watched it a couple times and then tried to eventually take notes, but the plot doesn't matter really, because you already are familiar with the plot. It's just the Hufflepuff version. So my next note is Cedric's quote about failing. "Failure is just another form of practice as long as you never stop trying." And I fucking love that big Puff energy. Lelia Hilton 1:00:02 I think I think I did like get a little emotional when he said that. Christina Kann 1:00:06 Yes. Lelia Hilton 1:00:07 I love that. Christina Kann 1:00:09 Absolutely. Okay, so I guess the end of my notes is, is when I was like, "Okay, I'm only gonna write down the really good stuff." Okay, I like how in Puffs of the bar is set so low, that progress is so achievable, which I feel like is really relatable. If we're just aiming for third place, you know what I mean? First place, that's kind of a lot, and we're setting ourselves up for disappointment. But like, third place? Now that -- that we could do. The tempering of expectations. And then my final note from this viewing is, "We all find that part of us: the Puff," and I don't even remember the context, but I wrote it down. And so I guess it moved me. We all find that part of us. The Puff. Lelia Hilton 1:00:57 Yeah. And I think we do. I think everyone has a little bit of Puff in them. And if not, you're a psychopath. Mats Furuli 1:01:03 So true. Christina Kann 1:01:03 I was going to say sociopath. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that a lot of people, at least in my life, are becoming like more Puff as we grow older. Learning how to communicate, learning that your personal relationships are a priority, and you have to nurture them, like a plant so that they grow in the sun. Lelia Hilton 1:01:27 So Sprouty of you. Christina Kann 1:01:30 So is there anything that we haven't covered yet? Anything either one of you would like to touch on before we wrap this up? Mats Furuli 1:01:35 I mean, I have over three pages of notes. So if I were to -- Christina Kann 1:01:39 Okay, lay it on me. Mats Furuli 1:01:41 One of the very opening lines is just very fitting. "If you find yourself in need of using the loo make sure you make a big show of it." All about drama! Lelia Hilton 1:01:53 Yes! Mats Furuli 1:01:56 Also, yeah, freak chocolate frog accident? All caps and three question marks. Christina Kann 1:02:02 Oh, yeah. Who was that? Wayne's his parents died in a freak chocolate frog accident. Oh, that's the Puffest shit. Wait, I didn't even mention that Wayne was raised by his uncle in New Mexico or Arizona. What was it? Mats Furuli 1:02:18 The land of Cattle Poke Springs, New Mexico. Christina Kann 1:02:23 New Mexico. And Wayne gets his letter, and he's like, "Uncle Dave, like, what is this?" and his uncle's like "Oh fuck. I definitely meant to tell you about that." Mats Furuli 1:02:33 "Uncle Dave, there's a bird in the living room." And Uncle Dave's like "What kind of bird?" "Uh, an owl, I think." "Oh, fuck." Christina Kann 1:02:48 I love Uncle Dave. He did his best. Lelia Hilton 1:02:50 Yeah. Mats Furuli 1:02:51 And the next one is Blundering Wimpersnatch. Is that a Benedict Cumberbatch joke? Christina Kann 1:02:57 Oh, oh my god. That's funny. Definitely. Mats Furuli 1:03:01 I love the fact that Mirror of Erisedis just called Rorrim Driew, which is just "weird mirror" spelled backwards. Christina Kann 1:03:10 Okay, these are some details I've never noticed. Lelia Hilton 1:03:12 Yeah. Christina Kann 1:03:14 We'll have to look for these next time, Lelia. Mats Furuli 1:03:15 Some of the spell names are phenomenal, like Rickman-Sempra instead of "rictusempra." "Expelli-dermis," when Mr. Voldy just rips off the fucking band aid or whatever he's got over his nose. And "Olive Gardium leviosa." Christina Kann 1:03:37 Yes, that one's stuck in my memory forever. Lelia Hilton 1:03:40 What's the one where he kept generating doves? Mats Furuli 1:03:43 Oh, uh, fuck. It's like "Aviforus" or something like that? Yeah, Christina Kann 1:03:49 There was a couple magical moments in this that I could not explain scientifically. My eyes didn't move fast enough to figure out how this bird was getting around the stage. And there's one or two other things where I was like, "Damn, how did they do that?" Mats Furuli 1:04:03 Oh my god. Same. Yeah, and the dueling club scene where Harry's like "No snake, please don't attack Justin," but unfortunately that's not what the rest of the school heard. It's like a fucking demon. Christina Kann 1:04:23 He was like evidently speaking in tongues It is evil. Lelia Hilton 1:04:31 He's like "No, snake! Don't hurt Justin!" Mats Furuli 1:04:36 Also "real Mr. Moody costume." Yeah, it's Mad-Eye Moody. But he just tries to convince everyone that he's the real Mr. Moody. So I think his credited character name is "real Mr. Moody." Lelia Hilton 1:04:54 Okay, real Professor Moody. Christina Kann 1:04:57 I like that he literally just had a giant googly eye. Lelia Hilton 1:05:05 But it worked like it. They pulled it off! Christina Kann 1:05:08 It definitely worked. Yeah. And it made me laugh, a lot. Mats Furuli 1:05:11 Same. Yeah. The next note is I really want a copy of Wayne's book on Fantastic Beasts. The fucking Balrog! Christina Kann 1:05:22 The Balrog! Mats Furuli 1:05:24 Mr. Snuffalufagus! Christina Kann 1:05:30 Oh, yeah. Because Wayne in his introduction, what is it? He's like, "Hi, I'm Wayne. I've read The Silmarillion a hundred times!" Mats Furuli 1:05:35 "I've read The Silmarillion twice!" Christina Kann 1:05:38 Twice? Well that is as impressive as 100 times. The Silmarillion is no joke. Mats Furuli 1:05:43 I have not read The Silmarillion yet. Christina Kann 1:05:44 Yeah. Me neither. Because it's no joke. Mats Furuli 1:05:48 And when Cedric turns the book around, it's Paddington, and a Dalek from Dr. Who. Christina Kann 1:05:54 Yes. Paddington! Lelia Hilton 1:06:01 So random. Christina Kann 1:06:02 Also, yeah. Wonder what kinds of dragons are in the book. Blue Eyes White Dragon, probably from Yu-Gi-Oh. Yeah, Wayne's like a straight up like nerd, dude. I fucking love it. Mats Furuli 1:06:16 So good. And also I love that the play brought this up. Why the fuck did Cedric think that transfiguring a rock into a dog was a good idea when fighting the dragon. It's like, there's no fucking way this is going to end well. And the dragon just fucking bites the head off the dog. Christina Kann 1:06:39 I forget who was like "There is now a dead dog on the field. There is a dead dog." Mats Furuli 1:06:44 The Ludo Bagman character, played by the guy who plays Zack Smith. Lelia Hilton 1:06:51 And J-Finch! Mats Furuli 1:06:51 Yeah, the fact that the play's told from the point of view of Cedric's friends made Cedric's death absolutely heartbreaking. Christina Kann 1:07:06 Yeah. I thought about bringing that up. And then I was like, too dark. Because right before the the intermission, too. You know how in the movie, the music is still playing, but like, you know, something is super wrong? It's like trauma, trauma, trauma. The feeling of that music, you can see it in their faces when he comes back. And then it just like fades off. And I'm sure when you're watching the show live, the lights just fade out, and it's like, intermission, have fun bitches. Absolutely. mortifying? Well, because they have no idea that anything is wrong. You know what I mean? Like, they don't have any of the context of the whole rest of the goddamn book. Lelia Hilton 1:07:51 And I mean, they really just introduced Cedric to us in the fourth book, so we never really got time to know him in the books. Yeah, it was extremely sad for Harry when he died because they became friends. But we as the audience really got to know him, like from day one. So it's just like, I'm like, "No, he's gone." But it's okay. Because he comes back as Voldemort. Mats Furuli 1:08:20 Also, I'd do anything for a Puff hug right now. Christina Kann 1:08:25 Oh, yeah! Two of them would hug, and then the other would say "Coming in!" So cute. Mats Furuli 1:08:35 Adorable. And yeah, which kind of Voldemort is the worst? The one that never shows affection or the overly affectionate one? Christina Kann 1:08:43 Oh, yeah! Wait, that's a great -- Okay, wait, I'm changing my favorite joke from the movie to this. Because everyone makes fun of the infamous Voldemort-Draco hug, but in this he's lik -- to some random Death Eater -- he's like, "Let me show that I'm grateful with my physical affection" and starts giving him a hug and a neckrub. Mats Furuli 1:09:05 *laughing so hard he's kindda choking* It goes on for so long. Christina Kann 1:09:10 It's like kind of bit where it's like it's funny, and then it's not funny, and then it starts being funny. Lelia Hilton 1:09:14 Cuz it goes on that long. Christina Kann 1:09:17 It really was very intense physical affection. Lelia Hilton 1:09:21 He kisses his hand at one point. Yeah, he like down and kneels and kisses his hand! Mats Furuli 1:09:26 I thought about bringing that up when we were talking about Harry kissingWayne's shoulder. Christina Kann 1:09:32 Oh, yeah. Mats Furuli 1:09:36 AOL Instant Messenger. Christina Kann 1:09:38 Oh, yeah! Lelia Hilton 1:09:39 That was cute. Christina Kann 1:09:41 Yeah. One summer Wayne gets sick of owls and is like, "We're doing AIM now." Mats Furuli 1:09:45 Yeah, it's it's because of the ministry intercepting mail. Christina Kann 1:09:53 Oh, yeah. Very smart. Mats Furuli 1:09:55 Yeah. Lelia Hilton 1:09:56 They don't know about that internet. Mats Furuli 1:09:59 I do wonder how I'm making content though. Lelia Hilton 1:10:02 Yeah. Christina Kann 1:10:03 Public library. Mats Furuli 1:10:06 Next note is "Yippee kay-aye, mother-puffer." Christina Kann 1:10:11 Loved it. Yes. Mats Furuli 1:10:13 Yeah. I love the fact that the Death Eaters are called Death Buddies. Lelia Hilton 1:10:21 I think I missed that! Mats Furuli 1:10:24 Also, yeah. Mr. Voldy and the Death Buddies would make a great band name. Christina Kann 1:10:28 Yes. Well, I think that the Death Buddies, once again, sounds like a Hufflepuff who didn't hear it right. And it's just like, I don't know, it's just him and his Death Buddies. I don't know. Lelia Hilton 1:10:41 They're all friends, I guess. Like, why else would they all be together? Mats Furuli 1:10:47 It's definitely not a racist cult or anything. Lelia Hilton 1:10:49 For sure. Mats Furuli 1:10:53 Yeah, and the last note is, I can't believe that this play actually made me care about characters like Ernie McMillan and Justin Finch-Fletchley. Christina Kann 1:11:01 Yeah. Yeah. Puffs are, like, endearing. You know, like the puffs are, it's like, you just so want them to be happy and safe more than the stupid Gryffindors! Because it's like, when you walk directly into the fire, it's like yeah, you're gonna fucking get burned, you fucking idiot. Like, Harry, why are you doing this? But with the Puffs, this is just their home and they're just trying to be happy. I really did weep at the end when they all come together because it has such a different energy than the Gryffindors. You know what I mean? Like Harry, Ron, and Hermione are not even with the Gryffindors during the final battle because they're too busy each being dramatic spotlight heroes, you know what I mean? It's like we're not even together. Puffs! Puffs. I freakin love em. Lelia Hilton 1:11:58 Yeah. In that last scene, when the Death Eaters are just Avada Kadavra-ing everyone left and right -- it's a very reverent -- it's a very big shift in tone. Well, it really kind of happens for sure when Cedric dies. And then from there, I mean, we still get tons of hilarious bits and jokes and silly bits. But then the tone has shifted to a much more like reverent space. And it's almost like -- I'm so sorry to keep quoting Hamilton -- Mats Furuli 1:12:32 Never apologize for quoting Hamilton. Lelia Hilton 1:12:36 Thank you. And Hamilton's not nearly as silly as this. I wish it were. But it's like at the end of Hamilton, when like, it's a very sad ending. But at the same time, it's really sweet and heartwarming. And it just goes to show like, you never know, like, everyone's just living life. This isn't really one person's story and everyone's just living in it. Everyone has their own journey and their own perspective on this whole arc that we're all in. Christina Kann 1:13:11 Yeah, absolutely. It's a team effort. Yes. It's like a family. They say, you know, McGonagall or whatever, says, "Your house will be like your family while you're at Hogwarts." And I feel like, for the Puffs, it's way more true. You know what I mean? Lelia Hilton 1:13:28 Yeah, they took those words extremely seriously. Mats Furuli 1:13:31 And the Gryffindors did not. Christina Kann 1:13:34 Yeah. The Gryffindors exist in each other's space, but they don't act like a family, not even the family members. Mats Furuli 1:13:40 I guess Fred and George, kind of. I feel like by like being the loudest, they kind of brought everyone together to just laugh at them. Christina Kann 1:13:52 That's my technique also! Oh my god. There was one Fred and George quote that I tweeted a couple weeks ago that was so relatable. It was like "Fred and George were dealing with the the added stress by being louder and more boisterous than ever," and I was like, they understand me. Lelia Hilton 1:14:09 There you are there! There she is. Christina Kann 1:14:11 I think if Fred and George had not been Weasleys they would be in Hufflepuff. Lelia Hilton 1:14:16 I was just thinking the same thing. I guess they play Quidditch and help fight and stuff, but-- Christina Kann 1:14:24 Hufflepuffs play Quidditch too. Lelia Hilton 1:14:26 Yeah! And they've helped fight too. Christina Kann 1:14:28 Yeah, yeah. Mats Furuli 1:14:31 And, speaking of Quidditch. Hufflepuff out of four games Gryffindor played Hufflepuff, Hufflepuff won three. So ha! Lelia Hilton 1:14:42 Mats' got numbers! We got stats! Christina Kann 1:14:46 Puffs Puffs Puffs! We started this episode by talking about how much we all hate sportsball. Lelia Hilton 1:14:52 It's true. And here we are. Full Circle. A bunch of hypocrites. Christina Kann 1:14:57 You know what? Hufflepuff is good at Quidditch because they're team players. Mats Furuli 1:15:01 Hell yeah. Lelia Hilton 1:15:03 I gotta say, yeah, as somebody who has input into who gets hired in my company that I work for, I would much more go for somebody who is a team player and maybe not a rock star employee. So like, yeah, a Hufflepuff. A Gryffindor is great. They're a rock star, and they're like going to the top, but maybe they're not really paying attention to how their coworkers are drowning. Christina Kann 1:15:25 Interpersonal shit. Absolutely. Lelia Hilton 1:15:27 Yeah. So be more of a Hufflepuff everyone. Mats Furuli 1:15:30 I agree. Christina Kann 1:15:31 I mean, I gotta agree. Yeah, like be more Huff. Be more Puff. I've always said "Huff" but I'm trying to train myself to say "Puff" because it has meaning to me now. Also Puff Puff Pass. Lelia Hilton 1:15:44 Exactly. It's all connected. They didn't do any overt weed jokes. I was a little sad about that. Christina Kann 1:15:52 I was pretty impressed. I don't think I would have been able to avoid the weed jokes. Lelia Hilton 1:15:57 That would have been my first joke I like write down. Like, "I don't know. Puff, puff, pass? Put that in there, I guess." Christina Kann 1:16:07 Are y'all ready to wrap up? Lelia Hilton 1:16:08 Yeah, I think so. Mats Furuli 1:16:09 Yep! Christina Kann 1:16:10 Okay. All right. Lelia, do you want to tell people where they can find you online? Lelia Hilton 1:16:14 Sure thing. If you want to find me online, I'm on Instagram and Twitter as @leelz4realz. Christina Kann 1:16:29 That's linked in the show notes. Lelia Hilton 1:16:30 Linked in the show notes. And you can find me most Sundays talking about movies with my friends in the Movie Night Crew. Christina Kann 1:16:37 Hell yeah. And what's something you've been watching, reading, playing, observing, philosophizing recently that you think our listeners would enjoy? Lelia Hilton 1:16:47 Sure. So this is a little off brand for our listenership. So I don't know who would be interested. But I really enjoy this comedy podcast called This Is Important. Tina, I was talking to you a little bit about it. It's created by the four guys who did Workaholics, so Blake Anderson, Adam Devine, and Kyle Newacheck and Anders Holm. And it's literally those four guys just shooting the shit. They did improv comedy with very esteemed improv groups for a long time and they've been working together and just have been friends forever. So it's just like a really funny, wholesome podcast where dudes just kind of joke on each other. And it has me like laughing so hard, I'm crying. It comes out every single Tuesday and they put one out every week for free on Spotify. So I highly recommend if you are at all a fan of workaholics, or if you're like "I'm not really into that type of humor," you might be surprised. Maybe give it a try. Christina Kann 1:17:53 Yeah, give it a try. Puff energy. Mats, what about you? Do you want people to connect with you on the internet? Mats Furuli 1:17:59 I mean, sure. Yeah. You can find me on Twitter and Instagram @mdotfur. Christina Kann 1:18:10 I do love it. That's how you sign your emails too. And what's something that you would like to recommend to our listeners? Mats Furuli 1:18:18 Well, I've not really been watching anything recently other than Puffs and Hamilton, but-- Christina Kann 1:18:25 You could do an old favorite too. Mats Furuli 1:18:27 Sure. Yeah, I'm gonna plug Hamilton. all 1:18:30 Yeah!!! Mats Furuli 1:18:31 It is wonderful. I watched it this morning for the 34th time. Christina Kann 1:18:38 Oh, my God. I'm impressed that you're still keeping track at this point. Lelia Hilton 1:18:41 Yeah. Wow. Mats Furuli 1:18:42 I think yesterday was my 10th. time watching Puffs. Yeah, I'm getting pretty high up in terms of numbers for that one as well. Christina Kann 1:18:55 I need to catch up. Mats Furuli 1:18:59 I feel like everyone at this point knows about Hamilton, and there's not really a whole lot to say about it. It's a phenomenal musical. Written and starring Lin Manuel Miranda, who wrote music for, for example, Moana, which is one of my absolute favorite movies. Probably my favorite Disney movie. Christina Kann 1:19:27 We were fighting about this in the Discord recently. Mats Furuli 1:19:29 Yeah. I love Frozen, I love Tangled, but Moana-- Christina Kann 1:19:35 That's the trifecta. Mats Furuli 1:19:36 Yeah. Christina Kann 1:19:37 If you want to be part of our Discord conversations, you can join The Restricted Section Patreon! For as little as $1 a month you can hang out with the gang. Lelia Hilton 1:19:46 We're really nice and fun. Christina Kann 1:19:48 Yeah! Puffs! Yeah, I fully second the Hamilton plug. For sure. It's so good. The last time I watched it was with you, Lelia, and we were just weeping and looking at Grace to make sure she was enjoying it as much as we wanted her to. Lelia Hilton 1:20:07 She was. Christina Kann 1:20:08 Yeah, update: she was. Lelia Hilton 1:20:10 Update: she was. Christina Kann 1:20:10 So I've been your host Christina you can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann. Tou can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. And this week I would like to recommend-- Because you just mentioned Lin Manuel Miranda, I'm gonna recommend the His Dark Materials series, which I think is an Amazon Prime original. And Lin Manuel Miranda is in it. He plays a character that's called the Texan, which I find to be very endearing. So he's a little bit of like a gun slinging aeronaut with a basically like a pet rabbit. It's like very endearing, just him in a hot air balloon with his bunny being like, *southern accent* "What the heck is going on?" The whole plot of His Dark Materials is much more complex than that. It involves the space-time continuum and the meaning of death. So it's pretty heavy. And then the book series is great too. I recommend them. Lelia! Mats! Thank you guys so much for coming and Puffing it up with me. Mats Furuli 1:21:17 Thank you so much for having me. Lelia Hilton 1:21:19 Any time! Christina Kann 1:21:19 Mats, I could not have dreamed of doing this without you. So thanks for being our guide to the world of Puffs. I think that me and Lelia are both feeling really seen right now. Lelia Hilton 1:21:29 We are! And not only that -- I don't know about you, Tina, but I had never even heard about this before. And I had no idea that there was a platform where it was recorded where we could just watch it. So thank you so much, Mats. Christina Kann 1:21:41 Oh yeah, I guess I should have said at the top of the episode -- I'll say it now in case anyone made it this fucking far and still is like "Maybe I should go watch it." It's available. I think it was available through Amazon to rent for like $3 or whatever. Lelia Hilton 1:21:55 It's worth it. Mats Furuli 1:21:56 It's also on Broadway HD if you have an account there. If not, it's also fairly cheap and also a hundred percent worth it. Lelia Hilton 1:22:09 And if you only want to see Puffs, they have a free trial period that you can just start and just watch Puffs and stop. But you shouldn't, because Broadway is awesome. Christina Kann 1:22:19 Yeah, true. True. Um, yeah, I'm just so glad that we got to go on this journey together. I feel stronger because we're together and I'm just happy to be here with you. Oh, love you guys! all 1:22:38 Puffs! Puffs! Puffs! Lelia Hilton 1:22:38 We are not a threat!  by Mats Furuli
Rubeus Hagrid is a competent wizard. And Dumbledore trained him. Yes. That is actually my thesis statement. I’m going to start with the obvious here: why the fuck would Dumbledore do that? That is a very valid question. Hagrid would probably not be most people’s first option for someone to take on as a student. Hagrid is, in the words of Stephen Whitty, “stupid as a bag of hammers and twice as loud.” This was technically a statement made about the 2015 movie Hardcore Henry in his review for the New York Daily News, but I think this applies quite well: Rubeus Hagrid would most likely get a negative score on an IQ test, and would be less helpful on a stealth mission than I would. Then why? Well, I can think of at least one reason Dumbledore may have had to privately teach Hagrid magic. Let’s have a look at the physical aspects of Hagrid’s character. According to the Harry Potter Wiki, Hagrid is 11’6” tall and weighs 289 pounds. This would give him a significant size advantage over any regular-sized person. He is also incredibly strong, as we get to witness first-hand in Chamber of Secrets where we see him single-handedly break up the Duel of the Daddies in Flourish and Blotts. He is also strong (and brave) enough to handle a giant three-headed dog, an acromantula, an actual giant, a dragon, and those cursed Blast-Ended Skrewts. We get another example of Hagrid’s incredible physicality in chapter 31 of Order of the Phoenix (“O.W.L.s”), where Hagrid resists at least SIX Stunning spells, no problem: "Hagrid’s door had burst open and by the light flooding out of the cabin they saw him quite clearly, a massive figure roaring and brandishing his fists, surrounded by six people, all of whom, judging by the tiny threads of red lights they were casting in his direction, seemed to be attempting to Stun him." To put this into context: in chapter 19 of Goblet of Fire (“The Hungarian Horntail”), we see that it takes seven or eight Stunning spells to knock out a DRAGON. I swear, if Hagrid were a Dungeons and Dragons character, his armor class probably would have been about 50. Add to this a decent level of magical ability, and you have a pretty formidable foe. On to some actual proof: Despite getting expelled from Hogwarts in his third year, we see Hagrid perform some fairly advanced magic over the course of the seven books. For example: In Half-Blood Prince, as Harry is chasing Snape after he kills Dumbledore, we see that a Death Eater sets Hagrid’s hut on fire. We see Hagrid, with help from Harry, extinguish the flames using Aguamenti. Aguamenti is an N.E.W.T. level spell not taught to students until the sixth year. Would be a rather useful spell to know before your late teens, though, but whatever. In the Sorcerer’s Stone, specifically when he’s picking up Harry from the Dursleys, we see Hagrid perform several feats of magic, most of which are quite advanced for someone supposedly with only around three years worth of spell knowledge: We don’t really know how he got to the island where Harry and the Dursleys stayed, but it is possible that there was some magic involved. Even still, we don’t know if the magic in question was performed by Hagrid himself, or Dumbledore. But, on the way back from the island, Hagrid uses magic to make the boat move faster. He successfully starts a fire when he is in the cabin on the island. The incendio spell is admittedly a first year spell, though. However, what we sure as shit know is not magic taught to first year students, is human transfiguration. This is said to be the most complex and difficult form of transfiguration, and is exclusively taught at N.E.W.T. level. Sure, Hagrid didn’t succeed at turning Dudley into a pig, but he clearly knows how. Moreover, do you know what all this magic Hagrid performs in Sorcerer’s Stone has in common? Three words: NON. VERBAL. MAGIC. Reminder: non-verbal magic isn’t taught until the sixth year at Hogwarts. And with the exception of Hermione, every student really struggled with this until very late in the book, possibly even later than that. And this isn’t just a movie thing, where non-verbal and wandless magic is used quite freely and by pretty much everyone—this is book canon. We also have this moment, the very last line of chapter 5 of the Sorcerer’s Stone (“Diagon Alley”): "Harry wanted to watch Hagrid until he was out of sight; he rose in his seat and pressed his nose against the window, but he blinked and Hagrid had gone." Is it possible that Hagrid Apparated in this scene? Is it possible that he Apparated to the island? There is one problem here, though: Hagrid’s wand. Over the course of the seven books, we encounter two broken wands other than Hagrid’s—Ron’s in Chamber of Secrets, and Harry’s in Deathly Hallows. In Deathly Hallows, Harry attempts two spells with his broken wand. First, he tries to cast Lumos, but is only able to produce some feeble sparks. Then, when he tries to Disarm Hermione, the wand splits into two again. As for Ron, we all know how that went as he has to go an entire school year with a wand that’s only held together by fucking Spellotape. We see the wand attempt to perform magic six times in Chamber of Secrets, all of which fail terribly. Do we really think that Hagrid could possibly perform any of these feats with a broken wand. No way. But how would Hagrid have gotten his hands on a functioning wand? I mean, even if Dumbledore were able to clear Hagrid’s name, there is no way Hagrid could have gotten a new wand. Just look at how, in Chamber of Secrets, Fudge is perfectly okay with sending Hagrid to Azkaban without any actual evidence. And how, in Goblet of Fire, Fudge is very quick to suspect Madame Maxime for the murder of Barty Crouch, Sr. Just because of society’s prejudice against half-giants. Because of this prejudice, the Ministry would never allow for Hagrid to get a new wand. But what about an old one? Hagrid was expelled from Hogwarts in his third year, which would have been in the 1942/43 school year. The Ministry, as with any student who is expelled, snapped his wand in two. Beyond repair. However, in the last chapter of Deathly Hallows (excluding the epilogue), we see Harry as the Master of the Elder Wand repair his own original wand, showing that it is possible. And Dumbledore was the Master of the Elder Wand for decades. He technically didn’t become the Master until he defeated Grindelwald in 1945, but that was still only two to three years after Hagrid’s expulsion. What if Dumbledore repaired Hagrid’s old wand with the Elder Wand and trained him. It would explain Hagrid’s undying and sometimes aggressive loyalty toward him. And we learn already in the very first chapter of the series that Dumbledore trusts Hagrid with his life, and that McGonagall has some doubts when it comes to Hagrid’s trustworthiness, but if Hagrid is actually a fairly capable wizard, it would explain why Dumbledore put so much trust in him. This raises one more question in my mind: it is very strongly hinted at that Hagrid keeps his broken wand in his umbrella. But, do we think that—if Hagrid does have a whole, functioning wand—he keeps it in his umbrella? Or do we think that his wand is his umbrella? Normally, I would say that this goes against the nature and magic of the wands themselves. Just like with how wands can’t be repaired once they’re broken past a certain point, I don’t think they can be transfigured. However, we do know that, in the hands of the right person, the Elder Wand does possess the power to repair wands even if they are completely broken. Would it be possible for Albus Dumbledore, Master of the Elder Wand, to transfigure Hagrid’s wand into an umbrella? BUT HEY! THAT’S JUST A THEORY! A BOOK THEORY! AND… close the book. |
As if we don't speak enoughOh, nothing. Just fan theories, musings, and rants. Archives
September 2021
Categories
All
|
RSS Feed
