What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section. It's me, your girl, Christina. I'm fucking stoked to be here today presenting to you probably my favorite episode of this podcast of all time. I'm sorry that, until now, it's been on our Patreon bonus episode feed. I just had to share it with everyone because it is so fucking delightful (brag). Please get ready for . . . My Immortal! The legendary Harry Potter fanfiction by . . . someone. If you've never heard of this before, don't worry, because Haley does a great job of explaining it all. Just sit back, buckle up, and get ready for a fucking wild ride.
 
But before we do, huge shoutout to all of our Patreon supporters. They're the reason we're able to do—well, anything, first of all—but they're also the reason we do these really fun bonus episodes that cover a lot of the extra material in the Harry Potter universe. So huge shoutout to our Patreon supporters. Thank you so much for everything you do. Love you!
 
And last thing before we get started: just a content warning for pretty much everything (as user Alkeno says at that link: “everything, usually depression, suicide, self harm, drug use, depression, homophobia, transphobia, abuse of clothes from hot topic”). These subjects are discussed in a way that’s juvenile and it’s often quite funny, all framed in this very ridiculous context. You know us: we don't really get into it. But it's sort of hard to avoid all of the touchy subject matter. If you have any questions about the content before listening or reading, please feel free to reach out.
 
And now I present my favorite episode of anything ever: the Restricted Section’s take on what is widely regarded as the worst fanfic of all time, My Immortal.
 
Christina Kann  02:41
Welcome to a very special Restricted Section bonus episode--
 
Haley Simpkiss  02:54
AHEM! I'm Haley. And look at me. Look at me. Look at me. I am the host now. We're talking about My Immortal.
 
Christina Kann  03:06
God save us. There's some pretty ambient thunderstorms going on in the background, the doom and gloom. I think—oh my god, what is her name?
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:15
Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way? It's very goffick outside.
 
Christina Kann  03:22
Yes, it's gothic. I think Ebony would like it.
 
Brooke Matherly  03:25
It's Ebony, but it's not spelled correctly.
 
Christina Kann  03:28
Hey, wait, wait, stop. We have to introduce ourselves. That's Haley. She stole the show. Brooke, there you are. I'm glad you're here.
 
Brooke Matherly  03:38
I guess.
 
Christina Kann  03:41
Is this a punishment? Is this a blessing? We are also delighted to be joined today by Zach, one of the cohosts of My Cabbages! Hello, Zach.
 
Zach of Cabbs  03:50
How's it going? Let's get drunk and talk about goth wizards.
 
Christina Kann  03:55
Before we get started, I do have a lined piece of paper laying on my desk in my official podcasting notebook, which is a thing that I have. And at the top, it just says "My Immortal Drinking Game," but the list is completely empty. So as things progress, we'll add to this drinking game.
 
Brooke Matherly  04:16
How bad do we want that drinking game to put people in terms of like, "Wow, this is fun and we're drunk!" to "You died two chapters in"?
 
Zach of Cabbs  04:26
The gradient we're going for is: by the end of this show, any passage read should cause everyone to continue drinking.
 
Haley Simpkiss  04:33
Don't worry too much about us, Brooke, because there's a lot to unpack here. Anytime you talk about My Immortal—widely regarded as the worst fanfiction ever written—there are three things you have to discuss. You obviously have to discuss the fic itself, which is a nightmare. But there's also a lot of lore, about 15 years' worth.
 
Zach of Cabbs  04:58
The anime is better.
 
Haley Simpkiss  05:02
Anything would be better than this, presumably. My Immortal came out in 2006-2007. There's a longstanding mystery bordering on full-blown conspiracy theory surrounding the authorship of this fanfiction. And then, of course, you have to discuss the ultimate question: Was this funny on purpose, or is it just bad? I'm just going to start with initial impressions. Do we think this is a troll? Yes or no?
 
Christina Kann  05:39
No.
 
Zach of Cabbs  05:40
God, it's so hard. I feel like it's Tommy Wiseau’s career. It began in earnest, and once the person realized that writing bad was getting them attention, it became a troll as it went along. It's just so hard. I mean, I've never been a teen girl before, so maybe you all can shed some light on this.
 
Brooke Matherly  06:03
Harder than Draco's hypothetical cock.
 
Zach of Cabbs  06:08
His “boy thing.” Excuse you.
 
Brooke Matherly  06:10
Ugh. Haley, I have a question for you. You've read this multiple times, correct?
 
Haley Simpkiss  06:16
I will make a confession. I have trouble getting past Chapter 15 or 16 for reasons we'll discuss. At a certain point, it becomes physically difficult to read. I was made aware of My Immortal when it was still being updated back in the day, so I’ve been following this whole mystery surrounding it for this entire time. This fanfiction is my Lindbergh baby, and my soul will not rest until I know the truth.
 
Brooke Matherly  06:53
But in a perverted way, you would say you enjoy this? This fanfic?
 
Christina Kann  06:59
We do this all the time on Movie Night Crew. It's so bad that we had a good time. We were talking about Nicolas Cage before this started.
 
Brooke Matherly  07:05
No. No, no, no. The reason I'm asking Haley these questions is because you made me read this, and I don't want to ever fucking hear another word about Cats (2019) ever again in my goddamn life.
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:17
You consented, Brooke! You consented to do this bonus episode. I warned you.
 
Christina Kann  07:23
At some point, we have to stop talking about Cats (2019).
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:28
Again, I have never managed to read My Immortal all the way through. I just like that it exists. You guys didn't have to read it all the way through.
 
Christina Kann  07:37
I did read it all the way through.
 
Brooke Matherly  07:39
We will watch and listen to the first 10 songs of Cats (2019) on a semi-regular basis until you start enjoying it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:44
I'm just going to go ahead and read the first paragraph for you guys.
 
Christina Kann  07:48
Wait, I want to defend my impulsive “No.” This is not a troll. Two things. One: I've seen writing like this. I've seen actual people who wanted to become actual authors who write exactly like this, with this amount of care and attention.
 
Zach of Cabbs  08:02
Noooo!
 
Christina Kann  08:03
Absolutely. And two: I have been a teenage girl before, and while I don't fully understand the lengths to which these characters act, I could see something of myself in some of these choices. My 15-year-younger self.
 
Brooke Matherly  08:23
I don't think their writing style is too dissimilar for the age gap to the original 50 Shades of Grey when it was being posted online. Accounting for the supposed age of what I'm assuming is a late-middle-school girl versus a fully grown adult woman writing a Twilight fanfic, I think the writing style choices and gratuitous use of sex is completely the same between these two franchises.
 
Haley Simpkiss  08:54
Yep. So for the uninitiated, My Immortal is ostensibly a Harry Potter fanfiction.
 
Zach of Cabbs  09:03
There's a big quotation mark fingers around "Harry Potter fanfic."
 
Christina Kann  09:09
Wait, can I go ahead and make a rule? Let's drink every time we say “Harry Potter,” because I don't think it's gonna be a lot.
 
Haley Simpkiss  09:16
Well, his name is Vampire in this.
 
Christina Kann  09:18
Exactly. I think we should drink every time we say “Harry Potter.”
 
Zach of Cabbs  09:22
Thanks to Christina, I just had to take three drinks in a row.
 
Brooke Matherly  09:26
This felt like reading a teen version of Harriet Porber by Chuck Tingle for as much as it related to the actual Harry Potter series.
 
Christina Kann  09:33
Yeah, but that book was so well done.
 
Zach of Cabbs  09:35
There were so many times that I was reading a passage and felt like, if I was trying to write a purposefully bad thing for comedy, I would misspell this word this way, because I would find it funny. "Triumelephantly"? I mean, come on.
 
Christina Kann  09:50
Wait, Zack, that is so funny. I read literally all of this fanfic today, and every single error, I thought, "Someone could make this error," until I got to literally exactly the error you just read, and I was like "This is too good to be true."
 
Zach of Cabbs  10:05
“Triumelephantly.” There's no fucking possible way that it was was written in earnest
 
Christina Kann  10:09
Unless it was a very elaborate autocorrect failure, and the word "elephant" got in there somehow.
 
Zach of Cabbs  10:17
Are you saying Tara's spelling is just so awful that she's literally broken her spellchecker? Her spellchecker has been traumatized.
 
Brooke Matherly  10:25
I can also see it being somewhat intentional given the cutesy substitutions she makes in other aspects, where she'll say things like "fangs" instead of "thanks."
 
Haley Simpkiss  10:35
A lot of that is like leetspeak from back in the day.
 
Christina Kann  10:39
That kind of shit, like "fangs" instead of "thanks," is exactly something I would have done when I was younger. When I was in middle school, every time I wanted to say the word "and," I would drop two ampersands instead of saying "and." && it had to be two. That was my thing.
 
Brooke Matherly  10:51
I exclusively spelled "love" L-U-V for a very long time and contended it that was different from L-O-V-E, because L-O-V-E was romantic but L-U-V was for my friends and family.
 
Christina Kann  11:03
That's adorable.
 
Zach of Cabbs  11:05
For a few years of my life, every time I said "anybody," I would say "anypony." I don't want to talk about it; let's just move on.
 
Haley Simpkiss  11:14
Oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
 
Zach of Cabbs  11:20
Let that float down the River Styx where it belongs.
 
Haley Simpkiss  11:24
Let's discuss the plot of My Immortal insofar as there is any kind of a plot in My Immortal. The main character is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.
 
Zach of Cabbs  11:36
She's Klingon. That's my headcanon. That's why there's an apostrophe.
 
Haley Simpkiss  11:40
Oh no, she's a vampire, a Slytherin, and a goth, and she goes to Hogwarts, kind of. But everyone at Hogwarts is also a goth and/or a vampire, but some of them are also posers. Voldemort tells her to kill Vampire Potter—Harry has changed his name.
 
Christina Kann  12:03
We have to drink. You said "Harry" and "Potter."
 
Zach of Cabbs  12:05
In the same sentence, that counts.
 
Haley Simpkiss  12:07
Harry Potter has changed his name to Vampire Potter, and his scar is now a pentagram.
 
Christina Kann  12:13
I think we should drink every time we say "pentagram."
 
Zach of Cabbs  12:15
You're trying to kill us this early?
 
Brooke Matherly  12:18
I mean, if we're really trying to die, just how about every time we say the word "black"?
 
Zach of Cabbs  12:24
Or "lace."
 
Brooke Matherly  12:25
Oh, for sure at least a sip for every time someone's outfit is described.
 
Haley Simpkiss  12:32
Those are the most coherent parts!
 
Christina Kann  12:37
They were so lucid writing those outfit descriptions.
 
Brooke Matherly  12:39
It's a complete tonal change.
 
Haley Simpkiss  12:41
It’s true. The whole thing is completely impenetrable. There's time travel. Marty McFly turns up at one point. Nothing makes sense. All of the adults are pedophiles for some reason. But anytime she's describing her outfit, it is in lovingly crafted detail. If you have not read this somehow, I just want to give you guys a taste of what the style is. I'm just going to read the first paragraph.
 
Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
 
Haley Simpkiss  14:29
The whole thing is like that.
 
Christina Kann  14:31
When you said it was raining and there was no sun, thunder clapped outside.
 
Zach of Cabbs  14:38
Oh my god. There's definitely thunder rolling in my part of town right now.
 
Haley Simpkiss  14:47
We are obviously going to discuss the fic itself. We're gonna get into it, but it's going to get very chaotic very fast.
 
Christina Kann  15:06
Haley, you're so hot when you present a subject you're obsessed with. You're at your best right now.
 
Haley Simpkiss  15:14
Allow me to info dump. *pulls out many index cards*
 
Zach of Cabbs  15:15
*gasp* Those are note cards.
 
Haley Simpkiss  15:17
Yes, they are.
 
Zach of Cabbs  15:18
Folks, Haley has prepared a presentation that we are all about to be graced with.
 
Christina Kann  15:25
She's fanning her index cards.
 
Zach of Cabbs  15:27
I feel like Spongebob in the episode where he's eating his own arms when Squidward's describing the Hash-Slinging Slasher.
 
Haley Simpkiss  15:38
Let's just start with the facts. My Immortal was uploaded to fanfiction.net in 2006-2007. It was published by an author called xxxbloodyrists666xxx, aka Tara Gillespie. It is 22,700 words, insofar as we can call any of these words.
 
Zach of Cabbs  16:05
What do you count as a word?
 
Haley Simpkiss  16:08
Philosophical question. There are 44 chapters, but Chapter 39 was apparently written by a hacker. The fanfiction was deleted in 2008, and the account was likely hacked not long after in 2009. An attempt was made to "recover" the account, which may also have been a hacker. There is a supposed sequel called My Immortal 2: Wake Me Up Inside, which is another Evanescence reference.
 
Christina Kann  16:38
They're all Evanescence references.
 
Haley Simpkiss  16:39
This has since been proven to have been written by a troll who was assuming the original author’s identity.
 
Zach of Cabbs  16:46
But honestly, if you don't know who Amy Lee is, like, get the fuck out of here.
 
Haley Simpkiss  16:50
Get da hell out of here.
 
Brooke Matherly  16:51
I once did a rendition of "My Immortal" at a Girl Scout talent show.
 
Zach of Cabbs  16:59
Oh my god.
 
Brooke Matherly  17:00
Here's the problem. We're not talking about a presentation for friends and family. We're talking about Alex, the other 12 people in our Girl Scout troop, and me just soulfully belting out a bad rendition of "My Immortal," after which my troop leader took me to the side and asked me if I was okay.
 
Haley Simpkiss  17:23
That song was a big one for me after the divorce, I gotta say.
 
Christina Kann  17:27
Okay, we all have trauma memories from Girl Scout camp.
 
Zach of Cabbs  17:32
Yeah, that one time I accidentally went to Girl Scout camp was really traumatic for me too. I was like, "I'm not supposed to be here!"
 
Christina Kann  17:38
I personally fell off the zipline at Girl Scout camp and realized I was fat, and I also got my first period at Girl Scout camp!
 
Brooke Matherly  17:48
This was a weekend sleepover in a clubhouse next to a pool.
 
Zach of Cabbs  17:53
My Immortal would totally make a great campfire sketch, though.
 
Christina Kann  17:59
Did any of y'all listen to Evanescence earnestly when they were cool?
 
all  18:06
Yep.
 
Christina Kann  18:06
Yeah, my whole family was into Evanescence. My parents thought it was very dope.
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:10
It was very good for AMVs, I will say.
 
Zach of Cabbs  18:12
Peak aughts entertainment right there, Evanescence AMVs. Classic.
 
Christina Kann  18:17
What are you saying? AMVs?
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:18
Anime music videos. People would take animes and make music videos.
 
Zach of Cabbs  18:23
I used to do it on Windows Movie Maker. I remember those days.
 
Brooke Matherly  18:28
I thought I had a nerdy childhood, but every now and then I'm having a conversation with Haley, and I'm like, "Oh, no. There was a divide there."
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:43
Yeah there was! There was, Brooke!
 
Brooke Matherly  18:46
There's a degree of severity there.
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:49
You and me, we're not the same! We've matured, it's fine. Let's briefly discuss Tara Gillespie.
 
Zach of Cabbs  18:57
What we know so far.
 
Christina Kann  19:00
The accused author.
 
Zach of Cabbs  19:03
Order in the court!
 
Haley Simpkiss  19:05
First of all, this person had accounts and was active on them across multiple platforms at the time of writing. She had a Deviantart; I think she was on Gaia and shit. So this wasn't an isolated thing. If this was a troll, this was somebody who had really dedicated themselves to crafting this online identity.
 
Christina Kann  19:23
Honestly, drink every time we say "troll."
 
Zach of Cabbs  19:26
Are you adding all these things to the list as you're going?
 
Christina Kann  19:28
Yeah, right now we have to drink every time we say "Harry Potter," "pentagram," or "troll," or when there’s an outfit description.
 
Haley Simpkiss  19:38
She refers to Tom Riddle a couple times as Tom Bombadil.
 
Christina Kann  19:45
That was my favorite part, actually.
 
Zach of Cabbs  19:49
Is he hot?
 
Haley Simpkiss  19:53
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Apparently when they go back in time he is. His name is Tom Satan Bombadil. But also, this doesn't seem like a kid who would be aware of Tom Bombadil's existence, what with him only being in the Lord of the Rings books. So the plot thickens.
 
Brooke Matherly  20:11
There was crossover nerd culture in that time period between Lord of the Rings and everything else that was going on.
 
Haley Simpkiss  20:25
But it was mostly the films, especially for the shallow teenage girl audience.
 
Brooke Matherly  20:30
Right, but for the angsty goth kids it was knowing the books over the films, so I do think that's where a specific reference that was not in the films would tie in with this, quite frankly.
 
Zach of Cabbs  20:44
How much of the misinterpretation of the characters are completely rewritten versus just the person being ignorant of it? A lot of the Slytherin changes were obvious, but Hagrid being a student was weird.
 
Haley Simpkiss  21:02
There are author's notes through the whole thing. This was a big thing on fanfictions at this time.
 
Christina Kann  21:12
Reading those was like watching Secret Window, where the writer finds out that it was himself all along or whatever. Spoiler alerts for Secret Window!
 
Haley Simpkiss  21:18
The author's notes are the fucking B plot, because that's what gave us the lore! That's where all of the clues we have come from!
 
Christina Kann  21:26
What's going on with Raven???
 
Haley Simpkiss  21:27
Yeah, what is going on with Raven???
 
Zach of Cabbs  21:30
It’s like the annotations in Lord of the Rings. People are like, "You didn't read the annotations? You didn't read the books!"
 
Haley Simpkiss  21:35
In the author's notes a couple times, she's like, "I didn't read da book! Stop telling me Hagrid's not a student!" She's just decided he is now.
 
Brooke Matherly  21:44
She makes a specific reference to finding the way that he interacts with them creepy, and she says she's making Hagrid a student to showcase how weird his interactions with these students are, which quite frankly, Tara, I stand behind.
 
Zach of Cabbs  22:00
All right, Tara. Tara, surprising little pocket of wokeness there.
 
Haley Simpkiss  22:06
And Dumbledore only called them "motherfukers" because he had a headache. I'm going to bring that up every time his character appears. She mentions being from somewhere called Dubya in the very last chapter. Theories as to what this might be include Dubai, Dublin, or just a state or town starting with the letter W.
 
Zach of Cabbs  22:31
She's from Western Texas or something.
 
Haley Simpkiss  22:34
I want to say Wisconsin; I feel in my soul that it's gotta be Wisconsin.
 
Brooke Matherly  22:39
Maybe it's just our general proximity, but I saw Dubya and thought Washington DC.
 
Haley Simpkiss  22:47
She claimed to have gone on vacation to Transylvania and seen the castle where Dracula was filmed. The castle where Dracula was filmed is in California, I believe. There's a castle in Transylvania that supposedly inspired Bram Stoker, but also, did she actually go to Transylvania? Who's to say?
 
Zach of Cabbs  23:05
Putting Transylvania in your author's note was the 2008 equivalent of photoshopping a vacation photo on Instagram.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:13
One of the biggest mysteries is her co-author/beta reader, nicknamed Raven aka bloodytearz666. She is the character Willow in the series. She peaced out around Chapter 15 after Tara and Raven had a falling out over a sweater. The character of Willow was subsequently expelled and murdered, and her corpse was violated by "Loopin"—again, all of the characters are pedophiles, and apparently in this case, also necrophiliacs—and was later brought back with zero explanation. So I’m not sure what happened there. But that's around the point where the text becomes 100% unreadable, which is why I have trouble getting past Chapter 16. There's nothing even resembling a sense of coherency after there.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:43
So that's what we know. I'm going to try real fast to get through the people who, over the years, have either been theorized to be Tara or have claimed to be Tara. The first are the Acid Bath Sisters. In 2009, a YouTube channel featuring two teenage mall goths called Tara and Raven blew up because it featured two cringey teenage girls singing along to MCR and talking about how much they hated preps.
 
Christina Kann  24:49
This is what I told you I was watching. I told Haley I was in too deep, and she literally was like, "Honestly bitch, you have no idea what ‘in too deep’ is."
 
Zach of Cabbs  24:57
There is an iceberg here. There's a My Immortal iceberg here.
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:03
Oh, we're diving deep, guys.
 
Zach of Cabbs  25:06
Here we go.
 
Christina Kann  25:07
These videos were, yes, very, very, can confirm, very cringey singalongs. A good time.
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:16
For years, people just assumed. "Well, it's gotta be them! It's Tara and Raven! They talk about preps all the time. They're goths! I still can't tell if it's a joke, but there's no way it's not them." But they never mentioned the fic. They never really talked about Harry Potter at all. That seemed kind of weird to people. Around 2014, Tara resurfaced on the internet. People recognize her, and subsequently she is interviewed and reveals that Raven in those videos was her sister. Their real names were Sarah and Rachel. They had been cringey mall goths in middle school. At the point where they were making the videos, they'd stopped being that way. So the videos were them making fun of their younger selves.
 
Brooke Matherly  26:09
Yeah, there are no middle-aged to elderly mall goths. That's a thing everybody grows out of. You're not allowed to grow old as a mall goth.
 
Christina Kann  26:20
I feel like you have to move from the mall to Costco or something, and it's not as good anymore.
 
Brooke Matherly  26:24
You have to find a place that still has a mall, and that mall has to have a Hot Topic. It's a high bar to clear.
 
Zach of Cabbs  26:31
Hi, folks, from the future. Malls don't really exist anymore. That's something that was never expected in 2005, huh?
 
Haley Simpkiss  26:40
It was 2009 when they were making these videos, so they would have still been in high school. In 2014, people recognized her and said, "Holy shit. It's that girl. Were you the My Immortal bitch?" And she was like, "No, we honestly didn't even know that My Immortal existed when we made those videos." So that was debunked.
 
Haley Simpkiss  26:59
This is the big one, the Rose Christo debacle. Rose Christo "confessed" to authorship quietly on Tumblr in early 2017, but she didn't have that much of a following. It didn't really gain any traction; no one noticed.
 
A couple months later, a book called The Handbook for Mortals, a self-published YA novel, somehow hits the New York Times bestseller list—which is weird, because no one seems to have read it. So this becomes a huge mystery. A couple people actually buy it to see what's going on, and the book is so flagrantly terrible that readers started speculating that maybe this was the author of My Immortal. The author of this book, Lani Sarem, might be Tara.
 
Brooke Matherly  27:43
Publisher nerd note: Who published that book?
 
Haley Simpkiss  27:46
She self-published it, and it made it onto the New York Times bestseller list. As it turned out, she was calling around to bookstores who report their sales to the Times and buying huge bulk orders of her own book from them. That's a thing you can do. It's gaming the system.
 
Christina Kann  28:05
Oh, that's brilliant!
 
Zach of Cabbs  28:08
You all are in books; I'm in games. A few years ago, Steam opened up its restrictions. You no longer have to get your game greenlit by the community; anybody can just publish on Steam. You just put in the paperwork and pay the money, and boom, you're on Steam. So there are hundreds, if not thousands, of garbage games released on the platform literally every day, and it's impossible to find anything decent. Is it like that at all in the book industry?
 
Haley Simpkiss  28:35
Well, self-publishing. Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  28:38
There are a lot of bad books, but I don't think it's ever hard to find the good ones.
 
Brooke Matherly  28:43
I think that's only true if you're just casting randomly through Amazon. If you type "books" into the Amazon search bar, you may end up in that scenario.
 
Zach of Cabbs  28:53
Don't sort books by New > All? Is that what you're saying?
 
Christina Kann  28:56
I'm going to take this opportunity to plug Storygraph again. I find out what books are good by turning to my peers and seeing what they have said.
 
Zach of Cabbs  29:10
Oh, dope.
 
*Zach’s power cuts off*
 
Christina Kann  29:11
Oh my god.
 
Zach of Cabbs  29:12
I lost power.
 
Haley Simpkiss  29:13
Oh, God.
 
Christina Kann  29:16
That's very dramatic.
 
Zach of Cabbs  29:18
It's not coming back!
 
Christina Kann  29:19
We might lose you. That would be very goffick.
 
*Zach’s power comes back*
 
Zach of Cabbs  29:22
Okay, it's back. It's back for now. It should be okay.
 
Christina Kann  29:28
So dramatic!
 
Brooke Matherly  29:30
Narrow miss.
 
Zach of Cabbs  29:31
I was about to light a candle and say, "Play me off like I'm on the Titanic!" But please continue. I'm riveted.
 
Haley Simpkiss  29:39
People start thinking Lani Sarem might be Tara Gillespie.
 
Christina Kann  29:43
Wait, who?
 
Haley Simpkiss  29:44
Lani Sarem is the person who wrote Handbook for Mortals, which made it onto the New York Times Bestseller list. It was so bad that people thought maybe this is Tara Gillespie.
 
At this point, Rose Christo, who is also a self-published YA author, comes forward and says, "No, it's not her. It's me!" Also, she announces in this refutation that her tell-all memoir is being published by Macmillan. She has provided evidence to them; she has a flash drive with the first 11 unedited chapters.
 
Brooke Matherly  30:20
Wait, wait, wait, that was a bombshell. There was editing done to this?
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:24
Yeah, that's what Raven was doing!
 
Zach of Cabbs  30:28
That's why the first 15 chapters are at all legible.
 
Christina Kann  30:31
That's the thing! There wasn't just one of these people. There were two of them making this happen.
 
Zach of Cabbs  30:38
This is like My Favorite Murder but for fanfiction.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:42
That's what it feels like! The reason Rose Christo is writing this memoir about writing My Immortal is because she claims that she is a Native American Cree childhood sexual abuse survivor, who wrote My Immortal as part of an effort to find the younger brother who she’d lost in the foster care system. How, you might ask?
 
Christina Kann  31:09
How???
 
Brooke Matherly  31:10
Wait wait wait. She wrote My Immortal to find the brother, or she wrote her memoir to find him?
 
Haley Simpkiss  31:16
She wrote My Immortal looking for her brother.
 
Zach of Cabbs  31:19
There's that one part in Chapter 5 where she goes, "Hey, I have a brother. His name is Andrew. I really want to find him. Please dial this number if you've seen him!" I remember it like it was yesterday. It was only part of the book that made any sense.
 
Haley Simpkiss  31:31
You guys didn't catch that one line?
 
Zach of Cabbs  31:35
You gotta read between the lines. Subtext.
 
Haley Simpkiss  31:38
A couple of weeks later, someone contacts a Kiwi Farms forum that is dedicated to debunking stuff—admittedly, it's a pretty shady forum—claiming to be said brother. He apparently provided proof to the mods sufficient for them to believe that he was the brother. He claimed that not only had he and his sister never been in the foster care system, but they were white as hell.
 
Christina Kann  32:03
That's not surprising.
 
Haley Simpkiss  32:05
Yeah, because everything about that story sounded like it was specially crafted to gain as much unquestioning support from the user base of Tumblr in 2017 as humanly possible. She loses the book deal, obviously. Here's the thing, though: The brother did say that, as a teenager, she liked making fun of bad fanfiction, and she also liked to go by Tara. So she might have honestly been the author.
 
Zach of Cabbs  32:38
Booooo!
 
Brooke Matherly  32:38
But in that scenario, we would be assuming that she was doing this as a joke.
 
Haley Simpkiss  32:43
Yes.
 
Brooke Matherly  32:44
This would be a troll scenario. I said "troll"; you all drink.
 
Christina Kann  32:48
Oh, Brooke, no.
 
Brooke Matherly  32:51
I don't drink alcohol, for the listeners at home. So...
 
Christina Kann  32:54
I told her to have water ready.
 
Haley Simpkiss  32:56
Chaos!
 
Christina Kann  32:56
You're gonna be so hydrated, bitch.
 
Zach of Cabbs  32:58
You're gonna be like, "Tina I need a break! I need to pee!"
 
Haley Simpkiss  33:00
I am going to need a new drink soon. While the court documents she provided to Macmillan to prove the whole foster care story were proven indeed to be photoshopped, nothing could really be proven one way or the other about the flash drive. It was clearly a flash drive from 2006, but was the file on there legitimate? Who's to say? I actually looked on Rose Christo's Amazon page as part of the deep dive I did on this, and her bio has been updated, basically saying, "Hey, so a lot of people over the last few years have been asking me ‘What happened?’ And ‘Are you okay?’ And I'm just popping in here to say a couple years ago, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, which probably comes as no surprise to the people in my life, but now that I'm medicated, yeah, that makes sense. So I'm sorry about everything. And I am going to be keeping out of the public eye from now on." Here's the thing though: she doesn't confirm one way or the other whether she wrote it!!!
 
Brooke Matherly  34:05
Wait, wait, wait, hold on. If she was faking this, and she had 11 unedited chapters on a thumb drive, we are to assume that in pursuit of an elaborate ruse, she took the first 11 chapters of My Immortal, went in, and made it intentionally shittier?
 
Zach of Cabbs  34:27
Added passages about her clothing choices into the novel. "In addition to this, I was also wearing..."
 
Brooke Matherly  34:38
That was an outfit description, and you guys have to drink.
 
Zach of Cabbs  34:40
Oh, shit. Yeah, you're right, fuck!
 
Christina Kann  34:41
Thank you so much, Brooke. Love you, babe. I really appreciate it.
 
Brooke Matherly  34:44
I'm here for you.
 
Zach of Cabbs  34:46
I think you're onto something there, because that feels like an Occam's razor situation. It has to be the simpler thing. It doesn't even feel like she was a Harry Potter fan. She just watched Harry Potter and thought Daniel Radcliffe and Malfoy were hot, and she was like, "I'm gonna write a fanfic where I get to date both of them!"
 
Brooke Matherly  35:10
Here's how I know she was young: at no point was she like, "The obvious answer to this scenario is a threesome." She's like, "I guess I have to do both of them at the same time?"
 
Zach of Cabbs  35:21
"Well, they have to fight over me!"
 
Haley Simpkiss  35:23
Also everyone except her is bi, but also she's super homophobic. I am going to get another drink because the last one is an honorable mention, but it is weird.
 
Zach of Cabbs  35:34
The character says she's bi, anyway, at multiple points.
 
Brooke Matherly  35:40
I kept going, thinking, "Surely this ends in a threesome." They got so close with the sex tape scenario, and then it just didn't happen. You can take two dicks at once. It's nice. I highly recommend it.
 
Zach of Cabbs  35:55
It feels like the culmination of all of this would be that. You write the first 30 chapters so you can write the double dickin' scene, and that never happens. It's anticlimactic.
 
Christina Kann  36:08
Haley, what are you drinking?
 
Haley Simpkiss  36:09
What do you think?
 
Christina Kann  36:11
Wicked Grove!
 
Zach of Cabbs  36:14
I'm just drinking margarita mix and a lot of tequila.
 
Christina Kann  36:18
That's called a margarita, my man.
 
Zach of Cabbs  36:19
It is called a margarita, but it's in a very unsexy non-margarita mug.
 
Christina Kann  36:24
I'm drinking Winking Owl brand chardonnay. That's $2.74, I think, per bottle.
 
Zach of Cabbs  36:32
The size of the mug that this is in makes it look like I have a problem.
 
Brooke Matherly  36:37
You look like an alcoholic teacher right now.
 
Zach of Cabbs  36:41
Shut up! I got these papers to grade! I ain't got time for this shit.
 
Brooke Matherly  36:45
You look like you showed up to your class, kicked your feet up on the desk, and were like, "Look, kids, American history is bullshit."
 
Zach of Cabbs  36:52
I was like Jack Black in School of Rock, just like, "Oh god, who's got food?"
 
Haley Simpkiss  37:01
All right, last one.
 
Christina Kann  37:03
Where are we?
 
Haley Simpkiss  37:03
We are on our honorable mention.
 
Zach of Cabbs  37:07
The season three finale of the anime! Pay attention.
 
Haley Simpkiss  37:12
One of the resources I looked to during this was a YouTuber called Sarah Z, who a little over a year ago made a video talking about the whole Rose Christo thing and also the Acid Bath Sisters and the whole mystery.
 
Zach of Cabbs  37:26
Big shout out to Sarah Z. She has several videos on Homestuck that are incredibly cool.
 
Haley Simpkiss  37:35
I have never gotten into Homestuck, and I am scared.
 
Zach of Cabbs  37:44
Neither have I, but the people who tried to make the Homestuck game threatened her with legal action because of the journalism she did on the game. It's a crazy story. Anyway, check out Sarah Z. She's great.
 
Haley Simpkiss  37:52
Apparently this happens to her a lot, because not long after she posted that video, someone contacted her claiming to be the author and calling himself Todd Gillespie. He had some answers to some of her questions, but he consistently ducked a lot of timeline and account access questions. Sarah Z started looking deeper and got involved with another YouTuber, Red Bard. They got together and did some In True Blood shit. I won't get into the full details, but you guys can watch here if you have two free hours. Their digging revealed a whole mess involving Bible fanfiction—which is a thing—as well as over 20 sock puppet identities Todd had used to troll himself over the last couple of decades, plus a recurring character named Gareth Vandersweld.
 
Zach of Cabbs  37:56
Anybody who spends that much time fucking with people on the internet is trolling themselves. Let's be honest.
 
Haley Simpkiss  39:07
Every fandom community that he's in is like 90% just him.
 
Brooke Matherly  39:13
The thing that keeps coming up with all of these supposed authors is that mental illness has always existed, and one of the dark things about the internet is that it's become a form of entertainment, where we follow these people who are obviously not doing well, and they can garner attention and some sort of satisfaction by giving in completely to whatever it is that is ailing them instead of taking active steps to better their lives.
 
Christina Kann  39:47
Well said.
 
Haley Simpkiss  39:48
Yeah, you're absolutely right. That's kind of how that video ends, after she found out this was all the same dude. It's Todd all the way down.
 
Zach of Cabbs  39:59
Well, that's it for the podcast, everybody. We'll see you next time.
 
Brooke Matherly  40:03
Thank you for joining us for this very special episode.
 
Haley Simpkiss  40:06
He is definitely not the author, but he is probably the person who hacked the account in 2008 after it was deleted, and he might have even been the person to delete it. They found him; they did not give his information away, but they did find him. In real life, he is apparently a 28-year-old musician from New Zealand. A lot of people have claimed to be the author over the years; he's at least two of them.
 
Brooke Matherly  40:33
Whoa, wait, who was the second one?
 
Zach of Cabbs  40:36
Too late. We're moving on!
 
Haley Simpkiss  40:37
He claimed it in 2008 around the time of the account hacking, and I think he did it again in 2011, but nobody paid attention. Now people have started talking about My Immortal again, particularly Sarah Z and her video. It sounds like he's trying to hop on that bandwagon. So yeah, that's Todd.
 
Christina Kann  40:55
I see. That's so much lore, honestly.
 
Haley Simpkiss  40:59
Yeah, there's a lot!
 
Zach of Cabbs  41:00
Yeah, it's a dump. Like Haley was saying, the Sarah Z videos, which I highly recommend, are extremely informative. Even if you've never heard of this fanfic, by the end, you will be sitting there riveted, saying, "I need to know!"
 
Haley Simpkiss  41:14
Yep. That's an overview of the lore as short and sweet as I could possibly make it.
 
Christina Kann  41:21
And well done.
 
Haley Simpkiss  41:21
Thank you. I'm really sorry, guys. But now you know.
 
Christina Kann  41:24
Thank you for taking us on this ride.
 
Haley Simpkiss  41:27
You're very welcome. So let's talk the story. Insofar as there's a story.
 
Zach of Cabbs  41:33
There's a story? I'm sorry. You said a story?
 
Haley Simpkiss  41:36
Let's talk the string of events.
 
Zach of Cabbs  41:40
I want to start by saying that I have gotten a lot of unironic enjoyment out of this fanfic over the years. In college, I would gather a crowd of 8 to 10 people in the common room of my Hogwarts house, as it were, the common areas of the campus, just gathering a crowd doing a dramatic reading of My Immortal off my laptop. Very fun memories that I have from this truly awful, awful, awful fanfiction.
 
Christina Kann  42:08
Haley, you first presented this to me with a similar little story about reading it with Willow and Emma, right?
 
Haley Simpkiss  42:16
Yes, I think it was Willow who told me about it because she used to lovingly make fun of me for reading fanfiction.
 
Christina Kann  42:25
But this one has a character named Willow, so she had to check it out.
 
Brooke Matherly  42:28
Important distinction for the listeners: We're talking about Haley's sister, not the infamous character who gets written off unceremoniously.
 
Zach of Cabbs  42:37
I'm here to announce my new secret sleeper podcast, The Rejected Section, where we read one chapter of My Immortal each week until it is over.
 
Brooke Matherly  42:49
And then you start again, because it's fucking immortal.
 
Zach of Cabbs  42:53
That should be the title of the episode, The Rejected Section.
 
Brooke Matherly  42:58
No, seriously, what if you did that? You just kept doing it over and every time you got to the end, you just started back at the beginning and kept doing it until you went insane.
 
Haley Simpkiss  43:06
Brooke, that sounds exactly as pathological as Todd!
 
Zach of Cabbs  43:13
There's a podcast called The Worst Idea of All Time where they watched Grown Ups 2 over and over again every week for a year, and they slowly descend into madness because it's such a nothing movie.
 
Haley Simpkiss  43:32
To what end?
 
Brooke Matherly  43:33
Haley, Haley, Haley, Haley, excuse you. You just read roughly 45 minutes of My Immortal lore off notecards. You don't get to make that concerned face at the fact that someone made a decent podcast.
 
Christina Kann  43:45
Here's how I took notes for this episode: I put the text into a Google Doc and just started highlighting stuff. So I'm just gonna start scrolling on through. I highlighted some stuff that we've mentioned already. We've mentioned a lot of things.
 
Zach of Cabbs  43:58
The way I took notes was I had the fic open in a separate window, and I was listening to the Internet Historian do a dramatic reading of it.
 
Brooke Matherly  44:06
I did the same thing!
 
Zach of Cabbs  44:08
Every time he made me laugh, I would pause it and go to that section and copy and paste it into a notepad.
 
Brooke Matherly  44:14
I listened to the Internet Historian's dramatic reading of this "work" as well. It's worth a watch. I would say it's the preferred way to experience this. I couldn't make it far reading it. My brain wouldn't relax enough to just take the words in. When you're reading, you're not reading every word. You look at words, and your brain's like, "We got it." Although I have heard that’s not the way everybody reads. Sorry. That's like a fun psychology thing.
 
Christina Kann  44:56
We have been known to be a little elitist about reading here.
 
Brooke Matherly  45:01
No, there are two ways people process the concept of reading. Some people actually take in every single word, and then some people can visually scan a sentence and their brain just kind of downloads the information. I've read a couple of psychological studies about this. The way you read determines a lot about the way you speak and the way you take in information. It's not even an elitist thing. My husband, for example, is also a very avid reader, but he reads every single word when he's reading.
 
Zach of Cabbs  45:38
But y'all are in publication. So this is almost like Icarus flying too close to the sun for you. It's like, "I can't look directly at it, or I will hurt my eyes."
 
Brooke Matherly  45:50
I tried reading it, and my brain just couldn't get to the point where I stopped seeing every individual word. And when I was looking at every individual word, it made even less sense. It wasn't even coming together at all. I was just like, "Da—cuz—fangs. What is—fucking—black. Black, black, black, black."
 
Haley Simpkiss  46:13
The idea of a codified language where every word is spelled the same every single time you write it is kind of a new concept. If you read old medieval manuscripts, people just wrote shit out phonetically. Most people didn't read in their heads; most people read out loud, if they were going to read, or at least moved their lips. So you were following along anyway like this.
 
Brooke Matherly  46:41
But this is not phonetic. This does follow a codified language that existed on the internet in certain communities in the early 2000s.
 
Zach of Cabbs  46:50
Are you saying Tara was raised by wolves or something?
 
Brooke Matherly  46:55
I think Tara was born in the storeroom of a Hot Topic and then crawled out fully formed in a corset.
 
Haley Simpkiss  47:03
I think that Tara, whoever she was, was born into a relatively Christian, normie-ass household and really resented it. She wanted to be a cool, sexy goth and rebel against everything her family was doing, but she had no resources for it. So she was just like, "I'm just going to put everything that I think is cool in here. This is what goths do."
 
Brooke Matherly  47:31
The thing that really hits me about this entire thing is the outfit descriptions, which we've already touched on. I really want to break this down for a second. Haley, could you just do a brief reading of just an outfit? I know we kind of did at the beginning. But does anyone have one bookmarked?
 
Christina Kann  47:39
Drink.
 
Zach of Cabbs  47:51
After the fifth or sixth one, the Internet Historian just fast forwards through them. It's really funny.
 
Haley Simpkiss  47:55
I've got one from chapter two.
 
I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.
 
Brooke Matherly  48:18
When I was first writing as a child, I was not into goth culture, but this is exactly what my descriptions of characters read like 100% of the time. The most important thing the reader needs to know is exactly what this dress looks like.
 
Zach of Cabbs  48:36
If they don't know, how will they picture my character? They'll have no clothes on! That's awkward.
 
Haley Simpkiss  48:40
That is something that's important to examine about My Immortal. Why is this considered the worst fanfiction ever? Obviously, that's hyperbole, but I've read a lot of pretty bad fanfiction, and the thing that makes this one stand out is that it's textbook. Every single thing that could ever make a fanfiction bad is in this.
 
Zach of Cabbs  49:03
Literally all the awful tropes are here.
 
Haley Simpkiss  49:05
For example, the fact that it has basically nothing to do with the original story and none of the characters have any resemblance to their actual characters.
 
Zach of Cabbs  49:15
I think deeper than that, it shows a profound disrespect for the source material. It simply does not care about the source material. It doesn't value it; it doesn't find any enjoyment in it. It needs to rearrange all of it to make it palatable to the author. That's the bad taste it puts in everyone's mouth.
 
Brooke Matherly  49:35
There’s also the outfit descriptions, especially the fact that every single person is wearing a band t-shirt almost always.
 
Christina Kann  49:43
It's one of my favorite things about this.
 
Zach of Cabbs  49:44
I love going to those Hogsmeade MCR concerts, hell yeah!
 
Brooke Matherly  49:48
This immediately flashed me back to when my very first girlfriend wanted a Cradle of Filth t-shirt for her birthday. This was my first significant other, and I was very, very hell-bent on getting this right. I got to Hot Topic—because of course—and there were three Cradle of Filth t-shirts. I had literally never listened to Cradle of Filth in my life. I didn't know metal music at all. This Hot Topic employee was asking me questions about my girlfriend, and I was trying to explain what was going on so I could select the correct one. In the end, I got the wrong album cover, and she let me know that. She still wore the t-shirt; she still thought it was really cool to have; whatever, she was still excited.
 
Zach of Cabbs  50:45
I 100% would have just gotten the one I thought looked the coolest.
 
Brooke Matherly  50:49
They all looked like garbage to me. They all looked like a baby puke with red lettering.
 
Zach of Cabbs  50:54
Oh, I can picture it. My mind went right to what you're talking about.
 
Haley Simpkiss  50:58
But also, Hot Topic employees do be that way. They will try to help you.
 
Brooke Matherly  51:04
They'll absolutely try to help you. The person who was talking to me was literally just like, "Okay, what albums does she have in the car? What do the covers look like? Does any of this imagery look familiar to you?" And I was looking at the Hot Topic wall of band t-shirts, and I was just like, "Everything's blank. Everything's blank."
 
Haley Simpkiss  51:23
"All of them look like barbed wire fences. I don't know!"
 
Zach of Cabbs  51:26
Every time I walked into a Hot Topic as a kid, I was like, "Am I gonna buy a t-shirt or are we gonna play laser tag? This is such a weird atmosphere. I don't understand it."
 
Haley Simpkiss  51:35
I miss old-school Hot Topic.
 
Brooke Matherly  51:37
I went in for—and this is another thing that got brought up in this fanfic—hair spray paint. You could temporarily change the color of your hair, and purple hair spray paint featured prominently in my young adult life. Now I'm old enough that I go pay $300 to get someone to permanently dye my hair purple, and that's the kind of character progression I've been on.
 
Zach of Cabbs  51:57
That's what they call an arc.
 
Christina Kann  52:04
I'm looking through my highlighted selections. I highlighted the first time the text casually mentioned, "And then I went and slit my wrists." I was like, "Woo, red alert!" but then you quickly get desensitized.
 
Brooke Matherly  52:16
There's a point where the author says, "I went to slit my wrist and party with Draco and Vampire in the common room." I thought, "Oh, wow, those things are not connected."
 
Christina Kann  52:31
Well, it's like the most goffick thing that you're a vampire, so you slit your wrists, and it doesn't even really do anything.
 
Brooke Matherly  52:41
There's a point where she does it and then she takes a straw and drinks from her own wrist.
 
Zach of Cabbs  52:46
Get it? Because vampires drink blood? That should be the way canonically a vampire turns into a zombie, by drinking their own blood.
 
Brooke Matherly  52:56
I like that and also I'm mad that this didn't feature at all in The Twilight Saga.
 
Haley Simpkiss  53:01
Apparently Tara, toward the end, was getting into Twilight.
 
Brooke Matherly  53:05
You can tell!
 
Haley Simpkiss  53:07
There's a similarly bad Twilight fanfiction out there that people think she might also have written.
 
Christina Kann  53:17
I seent it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  53:18
The three lines that my sisters and I still quote at each other to this day are:

• "What da hell are you doing you motherfukers?" spoken by Dumbledore
• "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!” spoken by Vampire, and
• "I hath telekinesis,” spoken by Tom Bombadil.

 
Christina Kann  53:45
I can't stop laughing.
 
Zach of Cabbs  53:47
I would love to read three short paragraphs that I think encapsulate why so many people hate this fanfic so much. I think it is the perfect passage.
 
Haley Simpkiss  53:59
Go for it.
 
Zach of Cabbs  54:00
“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B’loody Mary, because she’s not ugly or anything.”
 
“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Draco.
 
“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.
 
Christina Kann  54:54
Oh, dear.
 
Brooke Matherly  54:55
To me, that's an early Twilight bleed, quite frankly.
 
Christina Kann  54:59
Yes. You did highlight one thing I noted consistently throughout this. The dialogue tags are really, really, really hilarious.
 
Brooke Matherly  55:11
They read like someone who speaks English as a second language.
 
Christina Kann  55:15
And who has been told that stylistically you shouldn't use the word "said." Here's my next comment. They make a lot of fun of Hilary Duff in this. First of all, the book I'm reading right now was written by Hilary Duff, or at least conceptualized by Hilary Duff. Also, when I was 12 or 13 years old, my dad bought me Hilary Duff concert tickets for my birthday. It was right when I was just a little too edgy for that, Dad. But he got them for me, and he was really proud. So I took my friend Laney, who was even more goffick than me—I'm not even being funny, she really was. At the concert, Hilary Duff was wearing the same fishnet gloves that Laney was wearing, and Laney was like, "Fuck this!" and threw them down on the floor and stomped away.
 
Brooke Matherly  56:08
Guys, being a teenager is awful.
 
Haley Simpkiss  56:10
It really is. Zach read that whole thing, and that's the kind of line where you could very well hear that and think, "Okay, this is someone being ridiculous on purpose." But then you remember what being 13 was like, especially if you have the experience of being a 13-year-old girl. And it's not unbelievable.
 
Brooke Matherly  56:34
Especially being a 13-year-old girl during this phase in the culture. I dabbled on the edges of this entire aesthetic. I never went full in.
 
Zach of Cabbs  56:46
I was deep in the paint.
 
Brooke Matherly  56:49
Hold on. Did you do the just-back-of-the-head spiky? You know what I mean? Like the halo spike?
 
Haley Simpkiss  56:55
The Sasuke hair?
 
Christina Kann  56:56
That would look good on you, Zach!
 
Zach of Cabbs  56:57
Who, me? No. No, I was deep in the paint of nerdom, not gothicism.
 
Brooke Matherly  57:04
I was on the edge, the raw corners, of the mall goth aesthetic. I went to a lot of punk rock shows. I did a lot of mosh pits in my day. I went to Warped Tour.
 
Christina Kann  57:26
That is so cool.
 
Zach of Cabbs  57:28
I definitely was a post-hardcore brat, but I never really adopted the aesthetic myself. I was always a t-shirt and jeans guy.
 
Haley Simpkiss  57:37
I was always meant to be a t-shirt and jeans kind of person, but I did have a little bit of an emo phase in middle school/high school. My friends were all cooler and better at it and had parents who actually would buy them clothes from Hot Topic. It wasn't that my parents said, "Absolutely not. No, never." It was just expensive, and they didn't like going to the mall.
 
Brooke Matherly  58:04
I blame Hot Topic and this general time period for two things: Adult Twilight fans. The people who were adults at the time Twilight came out and were getting full back tattoos of Edward's eyes. Hot Topic went super hard on Twilight stuff when it first came out. And the other thing I blame it for is adult women who are way too into the Nightmare Before Christmas.
 
Christina Kann  58:30
Yeah. I'm with you on that one.
 
Brooke Matherly  58:33
There are a few things in this world that I consider to be true warning flag tattoos outside of your basic confederate flag bullshit. A full sleeve of Nightmare Before Christmas tells me exactly who you have been, who you are now, and where you are going.
 
Christina Kann  58:51
I feel like that's not even the first time you've brought this up on the show.
 
Brooke Matherly  58:54
It might not be. It's a deeply held belief of mine.
 
Haley Simpkiss  58:57
It is one of Enoby's favorite movies, right up there with Corpse Bride.
 
Brooke Matherly  59:03
Of course! Like, of course. Regarding the question of is it parody or is it real? Every last bit of this is stuff that makes you think, "Of course it's there. It makes sense that it's there. It makes sense that her favorite movie is Corpse Bride." That was 100% right for the time period. The My Chemical Romance t-shirts; even the fact that you would go and specifically get a really big one to sleep in. It was 100% a thing. All of this stuff is so perfectly fitted together with the actual way that it was that it either has to be a masterful troll--drink—or it has to be someone who was honestly doing this. I fall back every time on someone who was honestly doing this because I knew people who would have done this.
 
Zach of Cabbs  59:58
This is either someone who was briefly into this for a few years and did it in earnest, or an elaborate troll who has spent literally every day of the past decade fooling everyone into thinking that My Immortal is real.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:00:12
And I don't think it's worth that. You know what I mean? It would be different if there was any money involved, if there was any actual fame involved. If there was any way to spin it, I think someone would have spun it by now. Because if you can do this, there's a writing job on television for you somewhere. But I don't think that's what happened. I think this is genuine, and it was a very short-lived period in someone's life.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:38
I want to talk briefly about the way that sex is described in this.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:00:43
Please do.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:45
I have a selection highlighted.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:00:46
Please read it.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:46
Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
 
And I think that's her losing her virginity.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:00:47
Yeah. That's right before WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!
 
Christina Kann  1:00:54
Yeah, two lines in front of it. But that part, to me, makes it feel more authentic. I think that it was someone who was simply too young to be writing about sex but still was glorifying sex
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:01:13
A little bonus is that she forgot the second F so it sounds almost biblical.
 
He took of my clothes, and I took of my bra.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:01:26
Zach, since we were watching the same rendition of this, did you happen to highlight the part in the Internet Historian video of this where it's maybe the third time they have sex, when they're in Draco's car, and they're talking about his tool, and the Internet Historian does probably one of the funniest things that he does in this entire video. He has a drill going into a toolbox, and it just starts vibrating aggressively as the drill turns on.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:01:56
I was listening to it while I was working, so I don't think I caught a lot of the visuals.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:02:00
Same. The imagery that the text is using is something around like tools and then like spinning around. That was a particularly strong sex image to me that sounded like someone who had been told by—back to Haley's point—incredibly conservative Christian parents what sex is, so that that base is covered, and you can tell them never to do it. You know what I mean? "He's gonna take his 'tool' and you have a 'toolbox.'"
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:02:42
"Listen, dicks??? They spin at 60 RPMs and they will tear you up! Don't do it!"
 
Brooke Matherly  1:02:50
The language of "his thing in my you-know-what" is like exactly like an awkward Christian mom trying to explain just enough about sex so that you know what it is enough to not do it.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:03:02
"He put his hoo-ha and my heehee."
 
Christina Kann  1:03:05
Yes, the sex talk seemed very immature to me.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:03:08
Wait, one more note: my grandma the entire time we were growing up referred to them as "woozies" and "doozies."
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:03:14
Which was the woozy and which was the doozy?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:03:16
You know which one was the woozy and which one was the doozy. Think about it for a second.
 
Christina Kann  1:03:19
"Woo" for woman.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:03:19
And "doozy" for "dick"!
 
Christina Kann  1:03:25
I can't emphasize this enough: teach children what body parts are called.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:03:29
So important.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:03:30
BDE: big doozy energy.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:03:36
That's gonna be a t-shirt. We need to make that a t-shirt.
 
Christina Kann  1:03:40
Another thing I noticed throughout was the very funny disses that get thrown around.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:03:47
They're also good.
 
Christina Kann  1:03:48
Right in front of me I have highlighted "you ludicrous fools" and "you mediocre dunces!"
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:03:53
I love "you mediocre dunces."
 
Brooke Matherly  1:03:55
Dunderhead? Dunderhead comes up a lot.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:03:59
I'm surprised there wasn't some religion born out of "Let's decipher this fanfic and find out what the secret message is being told here."
 
Christina Kann  1:04:06
Is that not what we're doing right now?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:04:08
What if Tara was a prophet and this is the latest iteration of the Bible?
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:04:12
Oh god.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:15
Oh man. "We started frenching passively." I think it means passionately.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:04:22
I like the passively.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:04:25
Between this and the other author whose works are discussed on this podcast, this author is still the less hateable one.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:36
An interesting and earnest backstory. I also like this one: "We started to make out keenly." I feel like more makeouts should be super keen, you know?
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:04:44
Oh, super keen. I was keen on that makeout, okay?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:04:48
Also, on an intimate level, I connect to the idea of just having sex passively on occasion. Just like, "Hey, look like we're gonna make out. It's gonna be real passive."
 
Christina Kann  1:04:59
We've all been there.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:05:01
We're both on our phones.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:05:07
We've both realized that it's been too long and we're gonna do this, but we're aware that this is putting in some maintenance. This is an oil change in the relationship.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:05:18
He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko.
 
Christina Kann  1:05:29
Oh my god. I highlighted that because I think it was her first glaringly homophobic statement. I was like "Red alert!"
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:05:35
Can we discuss the dialogue tags on the following exchange?
 
“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.
“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.
“My name’s Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.
“Why?” I exclaimed.
“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.
“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.
“Really?” he whimpered.
“Yeah.” I roared.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:05
"Whimpered" and "roared." Those are both such strong words that seem wildly inappropriate for the situation, both equally in different directions.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:06:15
Can we talk about the fact that Harry's pentagram isn't a real pentagram? He at one point admits to having just makeup'd over it, and then the scar comes shining back through.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:06:30
Who changed the star for him?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:06:32
Whatever Ron's analogous character is. It's a real left-field word. I forget what it is.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:41
I LOLed when it came time to describe Lord Voldemort.
 
He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:06:58
Not the book, because books are lame, and I didn't read them.
 
Christina Kann  1:07:01
It was…… Voldemort!
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:07:04
It'd be like if I was doing my mythology retelling—which is so popular these days; everybody's gotta have a myth retelling—and I did Hercules and I was like, "He had a swirly leather skirt thing and a tank top, you know, like the Disney version of Hercules. It was Hercules!"
 
Christina Kann  1:07:29
That's a good parallel analogy example.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:07:35
Good job. These drinks are strong.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:07:38
She frequently uses "shot" or "shooted" as a dialogue tag.
 
Christina Kann  1:07:44
Yes, I love that. It's adorable.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:07:46
Also, people just keep shooting each other in this. Blade shows up at one point.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:07:50
Also there are a lot of guns.
 
Christina Kann  1:07:52
It gets very confusing.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:07:56
This was a very dramatic and extremely good moment from the internet historian version:
 
“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…"
 
And that's when Hagrid shows up, and he's like, "I'm a student!" Being shot a gazillion times on their wands while they try to take pervy pictures of Ebony is just like--
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:08:39
Oh, while Lupin is outside the window masticating, you mean?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:08:47
And then she addresses it. She clearly got some feedback or comments, and the next time she says in her author's note, "See? I spelled it right this time."
 
Christina Kann  1:08:58
She didn't spell it right, though.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:09:00
Every time she gets snarky with the reader about a spelling error she made, she misspells the word again. It's almost never actually corrected.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:09
Some people just like really don't give a shit about spelling whatsoever. We have to acknowledge that they exist. You know what I mean?
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:09:20
They are so indignant about the fact. They're like, "Why would you care that I'm spelling this word wrong five different ways? Fuck you and your elitist need to spell things right."
 
Brooke Matherly  1:09:33
Haley, this is a thing I need your expertise on. She keeps referencing in her author's notes for people to stop "flaming."
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:09:45
Yep.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:45
I had to google it.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:09:47
What are we talking about here?
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:09:49
This is a fanfiction.net OG terminology here.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:09:53
Fanfiction still kind of has its own set of terms, but back in the aughts, "flaming" just meant reviews. Porn was "lemons." It was all shit like that.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:10:10
It was more than just criticism. It was like, you're angry. "I'm angry that I sat there and read this whole thing."
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:10:19
Yeah. There were people who made entire hobbies out of just going around and sending flames to people.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:10:28
You read this as it was coming out. Is that accurate? Were people engaging with this heavily?
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:10:36
Yes.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:10:37
I remember the OG posting of this. I didn't follow it as it was coming out, but I definitely remember going to the OG link on fanfiction.net to read it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:10:46
Yep, I definitely read this on fanfic.net.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:10:49
Okay, so what kind of crowd reaction was this getting? Can you walk us through that?
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:10:55
Just similarly poorly spelled. Some people were telling her in good faith, "Hey, this isn't really how Harry Potter works." Drink. There was one dude who had a form flame he used for everybody that was just like, "Your parents must be inbred clowns." Shit like that. It was stupid. It was stupid then, and it's stupid now. But it was a whole cultural thing on fanfiction.net in the bad old days.
 
Christina Kann  1:11:36
When you say "flamers," I think of in Avatar: the Last Airbender when he says "Flameo, hotman!"
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:11:42
I think that might honestly be part of the reason we stopped using that term. It's too easy.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:11:49
She also notes that she will continue writing if she gets a certain number of reviews.
 
Christina Kann  1:11:55
So yeah, hold them hostage. Make them hold themselves hostage.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:11:59
I will only release the next chapter if I get 15 good reviows.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:12:05
I'm just imagining a Game of Thrones situation, where in order to get more of the story, you have to vow yourself to fight to the death in the rink against the flamers for this. For the honor of this fanfic.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:12:18
I want to cut together excerpts of this that fit into haikus. Haikus of My Immortal, copyright Zachary Urtes. That's my idea. That's mine.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:12:26
You need to establish a Twitter account now, before this episode comes out.
 
Christina Kann  1:12:30
Get it quickly.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:12:33
That's part of the tragedy of this fanfic being taken down: no one's quite sure if it was taken down by the mods or if it was by a hacker. In 2008 there was this thing called, I think, Critics United. It was just a bunch of conservative Christians who would go around reporting any story they didn't like for any reason—"This has gay stuff." "This kind of talked about sex." "This character was wearing a revealing outfit!"—and report them to the mods.
 
Christina Kann  1:13:00
Wow, this checks all the boxes.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:13:02
I mean, you joke, but also it mentions Satan. Almost every chapter talks about how much all the characters love Satan. So a Christian person would be rightly perturbed.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:13:14
Yeah, it could very well have been something like that. But that's why people don't really use fanfiction.net anymore, because that happened, and then all of the porn got kicked off. Tale as old as time; song as old as rhyme.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:13:28
The dying ashes of both Tumblr and OnlyFans would like to speak to you right now.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:13:37
OnlyFans was saved, as far as I know.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:13:39
OnlyFans backpedaled, but no one's gonna fucking trust them as a platform now. There's 15 other platforms that popped up in the past week that everyone's fleeing to right now. OnlyFans is dead. Anyway, I'm mad—not because I watched a lot of porn, but because I care about sex workers.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:13:56
Oh, see, I was actually assuming it was because your OnlyFans was getting shut down.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:13:59
That's right! My feet pics are not getting any more traction. It's terrible.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:14:03
I was mad about the porn getting taken down.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:14:07
Amateur porn is better than produced porn every single day.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:14:09
You're right. That's the thing: There's some really good fanfiction out there. A lot of it is erotic. I can't read published erotic fiction because I know how much better stuff is out there for free.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:14:23
I want my porn to be produced and profited off of by the person that's doing the fuckin. That person doing the fuckin? They should be the one controlling their content.
 
Christina Kann  1:14:34
I want to talk about the music choices in this just a little bit. They talk about Good Charlotte a lot. They mention Simple Plan and Evanescence, obviously. But My Chemical Romance, I think, is The One. The song they mention by far the most is "Helena" by My Chemical Romance. I think they mention that a good 10 times. I personally fucking love that song. It's one of my favorite songs of all time. It's so good and sexy, and in fact, I've been known to say that if I had a daughter I'd name her Helena. Was it partially because the song made it sound cute? Maybe.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:15:34
Also, the music video was pretty good. I'm not really that into music genres; I don't know a lot about music. But Tara—Ebony—Enoby—goes on and on and on about how much of a goth she is. But "goth" is a genre of music, and almost none of the bands she's referencing are technically goth. They're mostly punk rock or emo.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:16:04
What Haley just did there was a little bit of gatekeeping for the music choices in My Immortal.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:16:16
It's no Cats (2019), but come on.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:16:19
This is just something that I read. Again, I know nothing about that stuff, but it's just another layer of this being incorrect.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:16:26
So you did correct yourself just there, and I do think we need to talk about this: Is this character's name actually Ebony or is it Enoby?
 
Christina Kann  1:16:35
I think it's Enoby?
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:16:39
If you ran a word search for Ebony versus Enoby, I think Enoby would outnumber it. On the official My Immortal wiki, it's used interchangeably.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:16:51
God, is this like a Berenstain Bears situation? Our universes are split between Ebony and Enoby?
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:16:58
No, no, no, no, because the Berenstain/Berenstein thing is a memory situation, whereas with this, you can see the disparity between chapters.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:17:12
What if the writer has been traveling between these two dimensions and is getting confused?
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:17:20
She's just a walking thin spot between dimensions?
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:17:24
Yes, she's constantly shifting between the planes. That's my new headcanon.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:17:31
That's where she is. That's why we can't find her. She's in the other reality. She's in the Enoby universe.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:17:36
In the other universe, perfect grammar sounds like a cringy horrible teen that doesn't know anything about how to write proper sentences.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:17:45
And over there, it's Berenstein Bears and Nelson Mandela's alive. Or dead. Where are we? Which reality are we in?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:17:54
We're in the worst one. We're in the worst reality.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:17:57
We're in the darkest timeline.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:17:58
We're 19 months into a pandemic. Afghanistan just imploded as a country.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:18:03
I made you all paper goatees to put on. We're all on the evilest, darkest timeline.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:18:08
We have rampant inflation. For some reason, it's not fixing anything. Our world is--
 
Christina Kann  1:18:14
Brooke, the patrons pay for these episodes. They have to be fun.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:18:18
Literally the whole world is on fire. Okay, let's move on. We're back in Hogwarts with the gothic people.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:18:22
Our patrons know the world is chaos.
 
Christina Kann  1:18:25
I just came across a particular dialogue tag that I highlighted. "Gadgeted"? "He gadgeted uncomfortably"? So that's a fun one.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:18:37
What was that? supposed? to be?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:18:44
I actually think that was a moment where one of the characters turned into one of the cars from Cars (2006). Because it was a car from the Cars universe, they had to be gadgeted back into reality. You know, sometimes you fiddle with the radio, you’re gadgeting it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:18:59
Wait, did this character turn into the DeLorean? Because that did turn up at one point.
 
Christina Kann  1:19:03
That literally turned up!
 
Brooke Matherly  1:19:05
It's either that or Tow Mater. So...
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:19:08
When I was a young tweenage boy, I wanted to be a writer. And I wrote several manuscripts. I thought, "Hey, look, Christopher Paolini did it with Eragon, so I can be a kid writer too! I'm gonna start writing a book." And I thought, "Well, what's going to make my writing interesting? Whatever I'm interested in right the fuck now, obviously! So I'm just gonna take everything I'm interested in on this particular day and jam it into this chapter. And it's not gonna have anything to do with anything else. But it's interesting to me. So it must be interesting to the people who are going to read it." And I see that all over the place in My Immortal with how things just come and go and interests pass and fade. You almost get a sense for who this teenage girl is as she's writing this fanfiction.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:20:07
In all fairness, Moby Dick is also exactly like that. Also, side note, if you're someone who, at any point, particularly at your old age, starts thinking, "Maybe I'm gonna write a children's book"—there's more to it than watching a nature documentary about an interesting animal and coming up with a story where it lives in your hometown for no reason. That's just a thing that I feel like everyone should be aware of.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:20:35
Does it change your opinion if I can find an alliterative title?
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:20:39
No.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:20:39
What if it's Toby the Turtle or Doreen the Dolphin?
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:20:44
Nope.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:20:44
No one wants to read my story about Lucy the Elephant Blogger?
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:20:50
No, and no one wants to edit it either.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:20:53
It would actually be Eleanor the Elephant Blogger. Those are the rules of children's books with animals. I can't explain it.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:21:02
It's triumphelephant, that book.
 
Christina Kann  1:21:04
Oh, my God, way to bring it full circle. I don't know why I was thinking about this question, but does this text—and perhaps even the lore around it—pass the Bechdel Test?
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:21:18
Very good question.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:21:19
No.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:21:20
At some point, Tara and Raven have to talk about what they're wearing. Right?
 
Christina Kann  1:21:23
I think it does pass.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:21:26
What? When?
 
Christina Kann  1:21:29
Raven and Tara are part of the canon.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:21:33
Raven and Ebony have to talk about what they're wearing at some point.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:21:39
They don't, though. The only interactions Ebony has with another ostensibly female character is B'loody Mary. Okay, this is a technicality thing. They do talk about how hot they are to each other. Do we consider that passing the Bechdel Test, as it is technically not about men? Or is it not passing the Bechdel Test because it is clearly done within the context of the male gaze?
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:22:08
That's the most depressing feminist question I've ever heard in my entire life.
 
Christina Kann  1:22:12
You're right about that. I just feel like the Raven-and-author back-and-forth is also part of the canon of this narrative. And to me, that is what passes the Bechdel Test, because they're talking about craft and art.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:22:26
And the sweater! They argue about the sweater.
 
Christina Kann  1:22:29
Men don't come up except that they're in this story that they're writing together. But like, men pop up everywhere, you know? They have to be in the story. To me, that's how this passes the Bechdel Test.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:22:41
The feud over the sweater.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:22:42
Tara is clearly not a Harry Potter fan at all, and I see some choices when she went, "You know what? Fuck it. I want them all to be from Slytherin because Slytherin is the only cool one," or whatever. But we see little things that have to just be, "I watched this movie absentmindedly once, and I don't actually know." Mr. Norris and Fletch or whatever? Fletch is the name of the cat, and Mr. Norris is the name of the janitor who goes through the halls.
 
Christina Kann  1:23:15
Isn't it Filth?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:23:17
It's Filth, which I like better. Mr. Norris and Filth is the correct choice.
 
Christina Kann  1:23:27
How about the drug use in this? I highlighted this one sentence: "We did pot, coke and crack," with no Oxford comma.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:23:38
"Everything that my mom said would make me go to hell, I'm just gonna put it in here!"
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:23:44
"And then I masticated and my hands got hairy. Oh no!"
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:23:47
"And I went blind!"
 
Christina Kann  1:23:50
The next thing I highlighted was, "We had you-know-what to a Linkin Park Song."
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:23:55
Oh yeah, there are a couple of times where she's mad at Draco and then he just  drops to his knees and starts singing Good Charlotte at her until she forgives him.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:24:05
Here's the thing: if that had happened to me while I was in middle school in the middle of the hallway in between classes, I would have been like, "Yep, this is perfect. Life has peaked."
 
Christina Kann  1:24:16
I feel like I've been slowly laughing to the point of weeping this whole episode. I've been giggling so steadily.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:24:25
Are you guys aware of the "Again, weird, but not technically a sin" meme? Someone will talk about something very weird they did that's not morally wrong but definitely strange, and then someone will respond as a priest that this is being confessed to, "That's weird, but once again, that is not a sin." That was how I felt watching the Sarah Z videos about this just for two hours straight alone.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:25:06
There's this part here where Snake, who is referred to--
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:25:10
Or Snoop, or Snap?
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:25:14
Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1
 
Brooke Matherly  1:25:23
Once again, this should have been a threesome.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:25:26
That scene got me to a half-mast. I'm not gonna lie. It was described so sexily that I couldn't help but become aroused.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:25:34
Why are Snape and Lupin always hanging out in this? It's like they're besties.
 
Christina Kann  1:25:38
I know! Here's the next thing I highlighted: "if ur a homophone den fuk of!" Okay, all homophones get out!
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:25:50
What is a homophone?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:25:51
It's two words that sound like each other.
 
Christina Kann  1:25:54
Like "sofa king" and "so fucking."
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:25:56
Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Interesting. So fucking fuck off.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:26:03
At some point, we must cut ourselves off.
 
Christina Kann  1:26:07
Yeah, it's time to wrap it up.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:26:10
You mean we're not gonna keep going for five more hours? I have more notes.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:26:14
This could be a separate level of Patreon content, where we just go through line by line. We would have two years' worth of content.
 
Christina Kann  1:26:23
There's so many layers here.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:26:24
No! Do not give the listeners ideas, Brooke. Don't give them ideas! They'll ask us to do it!
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:26:30
In college, I would read this fic until I’d have to go, "Okay, stop." And then I would rant about some particular thing. And then I would get back to reading, and then I would say, "Stop," and I would rant. And by two hours in, I would only be on chapter five.
 
Christina Kann  1:26:45
Okay, we're gonna wrap this up. But before we go, I want everyone to read one line that they like. Can we do that?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:26:53
I don't have the text in front of me.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:26:55
Hold on. I'm looking. I'm scanning through my favorites.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:27:02
There was a point where she was describing a dress with red lace all over it. And the problem was that I read that and thought, "Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about" immediately. I was like, "I know that goth dress."
 
Christina Kann  1:27:15
Yeah, that's the thing that I would give the award to in this: costume description. Really excellent; I could envision all of them very well.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:27:25
I am shocked that no one has done a Drunk-History-style, live action retelling of this. I have a passage to read.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:27:36
This passage comes from . . . Are you gonna give us our chapter and verse?
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:27:39
“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.
 
Christina Kann  1:27:56
Well done.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:27:57
I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:28:39
So good. I feel inspired. I'm gonna go write. I'm gonna go work on my manuscript.
 
Christina Kann  1:28:46
Wait, I have to compose myself so I can read mine.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:28:50
Don't laugh or you lose. If Christina laughs, we all drink.
 
Christina Kann  1:28:54
*cackling and weeping constantly*
 
“Oh my fucking god, where’s Draco!!!!111 How did Snap get back here!!! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan.” I asked sadly.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:29:25
Christina. Christina. Focus. What was the last thing I said in our last chapter of Prisoner of Azkaban?
 
Brooke Matherly (flashback clip)  1:29:34
I just want to say that I've been waiting this whole book to try to see if there's a way I could naturally make a "Prisoner of Azerbaijan" reference, and it never came up, so I'm just gonna leave it here.
 
Christina Kann  1:29:45
We got there!
 
Brooke Matherly  1:29:47
That is meant to be Azkaban, I guarantee it. That is spell correct being like, "Azerbaijan???"
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:29:55
"I don't fucking know."
 
Brooke Matherly  1:29:59
I understood you, Tara.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:30:04
So are we still of the opinion that this is a completely earnest effort?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:30:09
Yes.
 
Christina Kann  1:30:10
I think it was! That's the craziest part of this whole thing: I think it was earnest.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:30:15
It's gotta be.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:30:16
I think it began in earnest, and at some point late into the making of it, maybe it became a little more self-aware. But for the most part, I think it was earnest, yeah. It began in earnest.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:30:26
I still don't know. I still simply do not know.
 
Christina Kann  1:30:33
Haley, thank you so much for taking us on this journey.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:30:36
Thank you for coming with me. I'm glad that we all got to share this bonding experience. I'd say I'm sorry, but you guys tricked me into watching Cats (2019). Zach, I'm sorry, but you'd already read it. You guys tricked me into watching Cats (2019), so this is just vengeance.
 
Christina Kann  1:30:48
We're square!
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:30:50
We're square now.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:30:52
I'm gonna go read My Immortal again for fun even though we're done recording.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:30:56
Are you okay?
 
Christina Kann  1:30:58
It was great fun.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:31:00
Really quick, I want to plug a another terrible fanfic you can find a very famous video of on YouTube called Half-Life Full-Life Consequences. Worth a watch.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:31:10
Oh, you just unlocked a very deep memory.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:31:14
Very, very good Half-Life fanfic from someone who is not only a child, but clearly not a native English speaker. It's rough but very funny.
 
Christina Kann  1:31:24
Haley, thank you so much for leading us. Brooke, thank you for being here. As always, this is your burden. Zach, you're a special guest. Thank you for what I assume was a pleasure to you. I don't know.
 
Zach of Cabbs  1:31:42
I had a great time.
 
Christina Kann  1:31:43
And that's My Immortal.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:31:44
Yep.
 
all  1:31:45
Bye!
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:31:47
Preps!
 
And finally, please enjoy this owl mail from our best good buddy, Mats:
 
Hello there!
After relistening to y'all's bonus episode on the absolute magnum opus of literature that is My Immortal, I have a theory.
[Sounds of people gasping in shock]
Tara Gilesbie is actually Tara Reid, renowned actress known from critically acclaimed movies such as the Sharknado franchise.
That's my thesis statement.
My theory is that Tara Reid loved writing fanfiction when she was younger (usually under the pseudonym "Tara Gilesbie"), and after many failed attempts, she had finally something worthy of being remembered for. After finishing it, she turned the story she wrote into a horcrux by placing a fragment of her soul—a memory of Tara Gilesbie—inside of it, to preserve the story as well as her secret identity. It will now be remembered until the end of time. Kind of adds another layer to the title, doesn't it?
And that is who wrote this masterpiece of a fanfiction, and how it's been able to live in our brains for so long.
Anyway, I hope you all have a lovely day! Love you all!
I have the honor to be your obedient servant,
M dot Fur
PS. I'm sorry you had to read this piece of utter nonsense. Hopefully it didn't break your brain.
PPS. Do you think that ~80 years from now, they will release a My Immortal 100-year anniversary leatherbound edition? Because if so, I'm totally buying it.

PLEASE tell us what you think of this fanfic, its lore, and/or this episode in the comments.

Christina Kann  00:23
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where we love our trans friends!
 
Charlie Mack  00:31
I feel so loved.
 
Christina Kann  00:34
I am very excited to be joined today by my beloved friend, Grace. Say hello to the listeners, Grace.
 
Grace Ball  00:39
Hello, listeners.
 
Christina Kann  00:41
How have you been, Grace?
 
Grace Ball  00:42
Oh guys, not great. I am a little bit under the weather today, but being here with you is making it all better. So thank you so much for having me today.
 
Christina Kann  00:54
Yeah, I just wanted to give you the opportunity to to explain why your voice is like this. Better to just get out of the way at the beginning so people aren't wondering if Grace is okay.
 
Grace Ball  01:05
For the record, I am okay.
 
Christina Kann  01:08
And, of course, we are so excited to be joined today by our friend, Charlie! Say hello to the listeners, Charlie.
 
Charlie Mack  01:14
Hello to the listeners, Charlie.
 
Christina Kann  01:17
Recently, on our Patreon bonus feed, I said I was going to stop introducing you, but I think that you deserve an introduction right now because you are one of the co-hosts of Of the Eldest Gods! You want to tell everyone what changes are happening over there right now?
 
Charlie Mack  01:34
Oh, yeah! Well, one: we're starting a new book finally. Season three! And I got a new co-host for the podcast finally.
 
Christina Kann  01:46
Tell us about them.
 
Charlie Mack  01:48
Raye is wonderful. I met them through stalking their Barbie podcast, Barbie Movies Slap. It's a fun time. Very good shit. And we just we just became friends through other Barbie podcasts.
 
Christina Kann  02:05
Yes! Internet friends are the best!
 
Charlie Mack  02:11
They actually approached me. That's the fun thing about this. I posted, "Oh, yeah, I'm still looking for a new co-host for the pod!" and then they were like, "I might possibly be interested in that. Let me let me figure out some schedule things, but yeah, I'd probably be down."
 
Christina Kann  02:35
Yeah, and we love Raye so much, so I'm very excited to hear the start of the new season.
 
Grace Ball  02:40
Welcome to the family, Raye!
 
Christina Kann  02:42
Yeah, and we miss Taylor, but not really because I still talk to her every day.
 
Charlie Mack  02:48
Taylor is wonderful. She's still around.
 
Christina Kann  02:52
Her her main role in the network now is pod mom. "What do you need, honey?"
 
Charlie Mack  02:56
She's the SecreTaylor.
 
Christina Kann  03:02
I think we call them Administrative-Assist-Taylors now.
 
Charlie Mack  03:07
No, that's her nickname the discord. Raye, Taylor, and I literally coined that in the episode we all did together.
 
Christina Kann  03:18
And I love that y'all had an episode where Taylor got the opportunity to pass the torch along to Raye. That's very cute and symbolic. You know I love some symbolism.
 
Charlie Mack  03:26
It was very good and fun.
 
Christina Kann  03:29
And I'm sure you'll hear Taylor's dulcet tones all over this network for the rest of time.
 
Charlie Mack  03:39
We already saved an episode for her for Titan's Curse.
 
Christina Kann  03:48
I did a bad job of doing this in our last episode, but Happy Pride everyone! Very exciting. A personality trait about myself is that I'm a bragger, and when I do anything, I love to tell everyone I know about it. So I bought my first bi pride shirt this year, and I'm very excited about that.
 
Grace Ball  04:13
Yay!
 
Charlie Mack  04:14
I love that for you.
 
Christina Kann  04:15
Thank you so much.
 
Grace Ball  04:17
I can't wait to see it!
 
Charlie Mack  04:18
Someday you'll catch up to the amount of pride things I have.
 
Christina Kann  04:21
I actually feel like one is enough.
 
Christina Kann  04:25
I have my inclusive pride flag in my home, and then I made myself a bi pride necklace, like a friendship bracelet situation, and I bought this t-shirts, so I actually have three things now.
 
Charlie Mack  04:25
WOW.
 
Charlie Mack  05:03
I think I have like 100 things.
 
Christina Kann  05:09
Well, I bought the flag because I had parties at my house and stuff, so new people coming to my house kind of frequently, and I just want everyone to know, "You're in a safe place." I don't want that to be up for debate. We posted that on the wall.
 
Christina Kann  06:51
So I we're here today to talk about "Sorted: Growing Up, Coming Out, and Finding My Place," a transgender memoir by Jackson Bird. And I first heard about this book from from Charlie, weird. Charlie, can you tell us a little bit about Sorted and how you found out about it and why you recommended it to me?
 
Charlie Mack  07:19
Well, you know, it's about this very special boy named Jackson Bird
 
Christina Kann  07:26
*scatching* Jackson Bird was a very special boy!
 
Charlie Mack  07:33
Well, it's a trans memoir. You know, it's his story of how he figured out -- throughout his entire life -- just all the little things that were like "This kind of gave me little inklings that I was different.' And like, as it goes on, he's like, "Yeah, I realized I was trans." And then it takes you through his transition a little bit until a certain point. I like it. It's very fun.
 
Christina Kann  08:04
So why is it called Sorted?
 
Charlie Mack  08:06
Well, that's the reason why I told you we should cover this on The Restricted Section. Because yes, I mean, for some reason, my brain was like, "Oh, yeah, there's like a lot of Harry Potter in it." There is, but there isn't.
 
Christina Kann  08:22
For much of the book, he works and/or volunteers for what was formerly the Harry Potter Alliance. So there's a lot of Harry Potter discourse in the background of this book.
 
Charlie Mack  08:34
Yeah, sometimes there's a picture in the book where it's like, I'm cosplaying Sirius Black here.
 
Christina Kann  08:40
Oh my god. There's some great pictures in this book.
 
Charlie Mack  08:43
There are. I love the pictures. It's always talking about, "Oh, yeah, I was this nerd who just really liked Harry Potter." It's Sorted because -- God, the front cover is like the best part of this book. Grace, have you seen the front cover?
 
Grace Ball  09:02
I have. I did listen to the audiobook, but I was able to see the front cover.
 
Charlie Mack  09:07
I love the front cover because it's has the check marks for male, female, and if you've got it, you just want to brush off the little eraser marks on the "female."
 
Christina Kann  09:20
I definitely tried to brush them off more than once.
 
Charlie Mack  09:24
It's so funny to me, because I always want to do it too. "You know, we sort too soon," as one might say.
 
Christina Kann  09:34
It says it on the back cover.
 
Charlie Mack  09:36
It does, in fact.
 
Grace Ball  09:39
As the back cover might say...
 
Charlie Mack  09:42
As Albus Dumbledore himself might say...
 
Christina Kann  09:45
How did you learn about this book, Charlie?
 
Charlie Mack  09:48
Because I follow Jackson Bird.
 
Christina Kann  09:52
Oh, nice.
 
Grace Ball  09:53
That's cool. Did you watch a lot of Jackson's YouTube videos and stuff?
 
Charlie Mack  09:58
Yeah. So not before-transition things. If you don't know -- Hi, I'm trans masc and nonbinary.
 
Christina Kann  10:10
Oh my god, I can't believe it.
 
Charlie Mack  10:12
Yeah. So I kind of fell into a lot of trans guy stuff on YouTube. It started being recommended to me, and I started watching stuff. So I follow people like Jackson and there's also like Jamie Dodger, who does cool stuff. Just a lot of trans stuff, so I could get tips and tricks on binders and other sorts of things.
 
Grace Ball  10:43
That's an awesome resource.
 
Christina Kann  10:45
Did you follow Alex Bertie by any chance?
 
Charlie Mack  10:49
No.
 
Christina Kann  10:50
He's another trans YouTuber whomst's memoir I read. It's called Trans Mission.
 
Charlie Mack  11:02
That's a podcast that Jackson had.
 
Christina Kann  11:08
And now I'm wondering if Alex Bertie talked about Jackson Bird and maybe that wordplay in his memoir, but I didn't know who Jackson was at the time.
 
Charlie Mack  11:18
I did, in fact, meet Jackson, at LeakyCon a couple years back, and I got him to sign my book because I'm a huge-ass nerd. And I was dressed up as young Harry in the oversized plaid shirt.
 
Grace Ball  11:37
That's a good one.
 
Christina Kann  11:39
You're like, "Joke's on you. I'm actually in my pajamas."
 
Charlie Mack  11:42
It's a fun outfit, because I just get to wear oversized clothing.
 
Christina Kann  11:52
So Grace, you listen to this on audiobook?
 
Grace Ball  11:54
I did.
 
Christina Kann  11:55
But Charlie, you read the print, right?
 
Charlie Mack  11:57
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  11:59
I read the print as well. Did Jackson narrate the audiobook?
 
Grace Ball  12:03
Jackson did narrate the audiobook, which I thought was very awesome.
 
Christina Kann  12:07
I think that's really the only way to go with memoirs.
 
Grace Ball  12:10
100%.
 
Christina Kann  12:10
How do you not do that?
 
Charlie Mack  12:13
Who would you have narrate your memoir?
 
Grace Ball  12:15
Right? You can't hire an actor to narrate.
 
Charlie Mack  12:20
I just can't like ask Morgan Freeman to narrate my memoir. That's not how it works.
 
Christina Kann  12:26
Wait, Charlie, I think you're on to something.
 
Grace Ball  12:29
Yeah, actually I take back everything I just said.
 
Christina Kann  12:31
Write that down for later.
 
Charlie Mack  12:33
I definitely heard Jackson's voice in my head just because I know it well enough.
 
Christina Kann  12:42
So Grace, did you listen to this at work while you were taking? I did. Yeah, I don't know if I've told you that recently, I got a new job at a brewery maybe like a mile from my house, and I walked to work, and every day I get to walk past Grace's work, and I see her little ponytail and her little icing hands, and I never say hi, because I'm like, "Oh, that looks like she's dealing with something. My little girl," and I keep walking.
 
Grace Ball  13:11
You should always just do a little tap.
 
Christina Kann  13:14
I check every time. I'm like, "She's really concentrating on whatever that is."
 
Grace Ball  13:20
Well, I feel your presence.
 
Christina Kann  13:24
Next time I tap, don't come outside. Just wave. We'll just wave.
 
Grace Ball  13:27
Okay, we'll just do a wave. It doesn't have to be an ordeal.
 
Christina Kann  13:31
So how was the narration? Do you feel like it added to the memoir, the fact that was being read to you by the author?
 
Grace Ball  13:39
Yeah, I definitely do. I think that Jackson did an awesome job narrating the audiobook. I mean, obviously, he has a lot of speaking experience, which I'm sure it came in handy. But yeah, it was delivered very well, and it made me feel like an already personal story was made even more personal. So I definitely recommend recommend the audiobook if you haven't listened to it.
 
Christina Kann  14:07
It's like you're just buddying up with a pal and you're like, "Tell me about your life."
 
Charlie Mack  14:13
I don't listen to audiobooks, but I feel like I definitely would for something like this.
 
Christina Kann  14:19
Some books I've come across in my life are much better as audiobooks, especially memoirs.
 
Christina Kann  14:25
I am sad, though, because it sounds like the book has a lot of images and stuff like that.
 
Christina Kann  14:28
Grace, when I see you next, we can just flip through it.
 
Grace Ball  14:42
Yeah, I definitely want to.
 
Christina Kann  14:43
I mean, in the beginning of the book, a lot of the pictures are like, "See, look at me. I was a girl, and it was fucking weird," basically. But once it gets into the middle, when he's in college and he's doing fun stuff, some of the pictures are pretty funny like that. All of the cosplay's very fun. He always contextualizes the photos, too, which is helpful. He's like, "Oh, I actually felt pretty cute on this day," or he's like, "This was a nightmare photo." Oh my god or that one photo of his dad's wedding when there was like a wildfire. "Metaphor like my life that summer?" And then I wonder, Grace -- in the print book, there are some sections that are set out, excerpts from Jackson's journal, in this handwriting font and sometimes they were on little separate piece of paper, you know, like little separate sections. Did he just read them? Was he like, "This is a note now."
 
Grace Ball  15:47
I don't remember if that was just like part of the regular text.
 
Christina Kann  15:52
That means they did it good, if she doesn't even remember how they did it.
 
Grace Ball  15:54
Exactly. Seamless. Really good. I think it was sort of just read as part of the text. Maybe there was like a short line that was like, "From my journal" or "from this time" or something like that. But yeah, it wasn't weird or anything. It wasn't weird.
 
Charlie Mack  16:13
And then there are those blocks of the gray text that explain stuff.
 
Christina Kann  16:19
Memoirs are written kind of like novels. They're narrative. Occasionally there's dialogue, and all of the dialogue is assumed to be paraphrasing. And then Sorted had, as I mentioned, set aside little journal excerpts from Jackson, sometimes with photos sometimes by themselves. And then yeah, like Charlie said, there were also textbooky, but in like a cute way, sections set aside to delve into a trans concept that you might not be familiar with. And that was so cool.
 
Grace Ball  16:55
Yeah. And did y'all start out with definitions?
 
Charlie Mack  16:59
Yes. It's like the first thing in there, isn't it?
 
Christina Kann  17:06
Yeah, it's very cool. It also comes with a disclaimer. Jackson is like, "A lot of this language means different things to different people. Here are some general definitions, but also don't assume anything. "There's a lot of complexity and variance to each term and to the relationship between it and each individual it may apply to. The more research you do, and the more willing you are to listen to new information, the better." That's the thesis statement of life, I guess.
 
Christina Kann  17:43
I've read a couple books like this. They're almost like beginners level transgender memoirs, where the intended audience is kids who are looking for resources as they're questioning their gender, and adults who are dealing with their trans children to learn and get a firsthand experience and try to understand better. It's almost like"So you want to learn about trans stuff." You know what I'm saying? I think it's so cool that these books exist. And I've read a couple. I read Alex Birdy's Trans Mission and a couple others before that. It is very cool the way it's like, "A lot of this can be confusing. So let me just like explain the whole thing to you."
 
Grace Ball  18:38
Yeah, I thought the educational element was very cool. I think it read is very endearing and welcoming. It felt very non-judgmental. No matter who is reading this book, no matter what your understanding is, it sort of met you where you were. I found that to be just so nice the whole time.
 
Christina Kann  19:16
He goes through a lot of shit when he is questioning his gender and trying to figure it out, but in the back of your head, you're like, "Well, he figures it out. You know he's gonna be okay."
 
Grace Ball  19:42
It's gonna be all right.
 
Charlie Mack  19:43
It gets better!
 
Christina Kann  19:44
I have a lot of queer friends and I work in language as a living, so a lot of the terminology -- "here's your little introduction of what this word means" -- a lot of it I knew already, but I think it's cool to also get the added context for every subject that he brought up. He's like, "Here's my take on it. Here's like my understanding of the community's take on it. Here's the technical definition." It does kind of give you all the information you need.
 
Charlie Mack  20:13
On this reread, I will say, I definitely skipped most of the gray things just because I was like, "Yeah, at this point, I know what's going on."
 
Christina Kann  20:21
Charlie's like "Let me read this definition of nonbinary. According to Webster's Dictionary..."
 
Grace Ball  20:27
Yeah. It's there if you need it, and if you don't need it, just move right along.
 
Christina Kann  20:34
The first half of this book is Jackson's childhood, and the second half of it is college and just the very beginning of after college.
 
Charlie Mack  20:48
Yeah, 25 is when he comes out, it says here.
 
Christina Kann  20:54
So a lot of the first half was about his childhood not feeling quite right and things coming up that were like, "Why is this an issue?" Like the dresses thing. "This is a fucking issue for me." And the mom just being like, "Why? Why are you like this?"
 
Charlie Mack  21:16
Some kids just are, man.
 
Christina Kann  21:18
That's the thing! Some kids are like this, and some kids are questioning their gender. And that's why it's good to have open communication and resources like this.
 
Grace Ball  21:30
There were some cool moments where his mom had, you know, sewn him a dress, and very clearly he was not cool with that.
 
Christina Kann  21:42
I think it was an Easter dress, right? The worst kind of dress.
 
Christina Kann  21:47
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  21:47
For someone who doesn't like dresses, it's the worst.
 
Grace Ball  21:51
Just the frilliest kind. But then after that, his mom started sewing little waistcoats.
 
Charlie Mack  21:56
I'm jealous. I'm like legit jealous. The fact that he got to swap two waistcoats instead of dresses.
 
Christina Kann  22:09
I think we should shout out Jackson's mom, whose name I don't remember, because she really tries her best in this memorial. She keeps a listening ear. She like does her best not to judge. I think she says a couple things in passing when he's really young that she probably wasn't thinking too hard about. But generally, when it comes to it, she's like, "I support your choices. I will make you waistcoats. I will listen to you try to come out to me as trans for like three hours," which is such a cute scene.
 
Grace Ball  22:42
Yeah!
 
Christina Kann  22:46
The dad's not as much in the picture. I think after Jackson moves away to college, his parents got divorced.
 
Grace Ball  22:54
Yes, and then the mom moved to New Mexico.
 
Christina Kann  22:58
Oh, yeah. Go visit your mom in the mountains of New Mexico. Whenever my friends are trying to move away, I'm like, "I will miss you so much. But you should go, and I will come there. I will visit you." I even tried to get to convince Sean to take a road trip up through Boston to Canada this summer, but he said we're doing Nashville instead. So that's fine.
 
Charlie Mack  23:23
*from the Boston area* Well, ah, Sean, how fucking dare you?
 
Christina Kann  23:28
Sean's ex-girlfriend is from Canada, and her name was also Christina. She was my same height, and she broke up with him for being too short, so you could say I'm a good person.
 
Charlie Mack  23:40
Oh, fuck her for that.
 
Grace Ball  23:43
Wow.
 
Christina Kann  23:44
So I think Sean's like, "I can't take this Christina to Canada. That doesn't add up."
 
Christina Kann  23:52
So one thing I thought was really cool: In the beginning, Jackson talks about how he used acting as a way of exploring not only gender, but also personality expression at large. And I thought that was so cool.
 
Charlie Mack  24:10
I also was an actor at some points in my childhood.
 
Christina Kann  24:17
That's fun!
 
Charlie Mack  24:17
It didn't last for very long. When I was like 13, I think, my mom and I really hated the fact that my teacher basically gave me hooker makeup for my last play. So we're just like, "We're gonna stop doing that program." And then I never got into it at school because I hated auditions.
 
Christina Kann  24:45
I just thought of that Dolly Parton quote where she's like, "It costs a lot of money to look this cheap."
 
Grace Ball  24:52
I love Dolly. Oh my gosh.
 
Christina Kann  24:58
So you did acting too! Grace, do you have any like theater experience?
 
Grace Ball  25:01
Absolutely not. That is my worst nightmare. Being on a stage in front of people? I cannot think of anything worse.
 
Charlie Mack  25:14
Some of my plays at this program were filmed -- we still have those -- my mom distinctly remembers how I used to basically memorize the entire script, and when I wasn't the one speaking, I would mouth what everybody else had to say, while they were saying it. And we have photographic evidence.
 
Christina Kann  25:40
That reminds me that I watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail with Andrew the other day, and it was his birthday, so I told him that he was allowed to quote every single line, and he did!
 
Grace Ball  25:50
What a gift.
 
Christina Kann  25:52
Him and Haley were reciting the whole thing.
 
Charlie Mack  25:57
I wouldn't study the script until way later. I'm a procrastinator. You know this about me. But then I would finally learn it, and then I would know all of it.
 
Christina Kann  26:17
I did theater in high school. I like took it as a credited course, and I did after-school theater.
 
Charlie Mack  26:26
I didn't take theater in college, but I did take playwriting courses.
 
Christina Kann  26:34
Do you like playwriting?
 
Charlie Mack  26:36
Playwriting is actually pretty good. I prefer prose, but I liked playwriting because I love dialogue.
 
Christina Kann  26:46
I like that playwriting forces you to have good dialogue. There's nothing else. Man, we should make our authors do that as an exercise, Grace.
 
Grace Ball  26:57
That is so true. Like a little playwriting prompt.
 
Charlie Mack  27:02
I prefer dialogue.
 
Christina Kann  27:03
I was not a very good actor. I did a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff. And I think that I was not a very good actor because personally, I have a problem where I am a super transparent person. I'm always the exact same person. It's very hard for me to be professional for work. It's very hard for me to not swear in front of babies. I'm not very good at becoming a different person. I would be like Nicolas Cage if I were an actor. You can have Nicolas Cage in your movie if you want this person, who is Nicolas Cage, to be the character in your movie. There's not a lot of wiggle room.
 
Grace Ball  27:42
You're just so unabashedly authentically yourself, and I respect the hell out it.
 
Christina Kann  27:47
Me and Nic, baby. So I'm really bad at acting, because I'm always just kind of like laughing and screaming at people.
 
Grace Ball  27:54
Did you win an award for like set design or something?
 
Christina Kann  27:58
Oh, my God, Grace. Thank you so much for bringing it up. I would love to brag about the one award I ever won in my life. Yes, when I was in 11th grade, I did win a Cappy's Award, which is the DC metro high school theater competition for the set decoration of The Musical Comedy Murders of 1940, which is a great play that involved hidden bookcases and trapdoors and stuff. It was a very cool set that I loved a lot. It's the best thing I've ever done.
 
Grace Ball  28:38
You should brag about that!
 
Christina Kann  28:38
How did we get here?
 
Grace Ball  28:40
I don't know.
 
Christina Kann  28:42
I can't really relate to the concept of using acting as a way to exploring being another person. I think that's so cool -- first of all, that people can act, and that Jackson found an outlet through it as a kid.
 
Grace Ball  28:56
Yeah, I mean, it makes a lot of sense.
 
Charlie Mack  28:58
Yeah. If I could compare my journey to that, I definitely use cosplay a bit more for that kind of stuff. Like, yes, acting was a thing, but I was not really at that level. I wasn't mentally thinking about gender in terms of acting. I was just like, "I'm just a character."
 
Christina Kann  29:22
People are people.
 
Charlie Mack  29:23
Mentally, I wasn't super into that part of it. But when I started like trying to cosplay, you know, I wanted to be a lot of guys because they have comfortable outfits more than girls.
 
Christina Kann  29:38
Oh, yeah, it's true.
 
Grace Ball  29:40
So true.
 
Christina Kann  29:41
My little wish list for Halloween costumes -- you know, I'm like, "What am I going to be for Halloween in like four months?" -- I do have a couple guys on there because the billowy shirt game is strong. I guess they're both pirates or something.
 
Charlie Mack  29:56
Pirates are great, though. Pirates are awesome. Pirates are also queer. Regardless of Our Flag Means Death.
 
Christina Kann  30:07
Charlie, you probably also really upgraded your pocket space when you started wearing masc clothes for cosplay purposes.
 
Charlie Mack  30:13
Yeah, because I also just started wearing men's jeans in general.
 
Christina Kann  30:20
They're just built different.
 
Charlie Mack  30:22
My mom is just like, "Why don't you wear this old pair of my jeans?" and I'm like, "Your jeans don't have pockets. I can't put my phone in there." And she's like, "I have back pockets." I don't want to put my phone in my back pocket!
 
Christina Kann  30:35
Oh, I do. I sit on it a LOT, but I have a really squishy butt.
 
Charlie Mack  30:38
I'll sit on my wallet. Not my phone. I don't know.
 
Christina Kann  30:42
That is a very masc energy. I would never sit on my wallet. My wallet's a fatty right now. I think that's maybe my problem, that I tote things.
 
Grace Ball  30:54
You tote things?
 
Christina Kann  30:55
Yeah, I stay totin. So no pocket will ever suffice.
 
Grace Ball  30:59
Yeah, you need a whole bag.
 
Christina Kann  31:01
I wrote down Chapter Six was called The Transmasculine Invisibility Cloak. That's like a great example of how Harry Potter is built into the worlds of this memoir.
 
Charlie Mack  31:15
I also just, I was reading I don't so much.
 
Grace Ball  31:18
Yeah, the chapter titles are very fun. I don't know if this is exactly right, so if y'all know, please correct me. But I think  they came up with the title kind of late. I think the book was pretty close to being published before they actually named it. Man, I wish I still had a pulled up. Jackson and a group of people had gone through a number of kind of funny titles. A lot of them were like bird puns, which I thought was funny. And then, and then someone had mentioned Sorted, and he kind of brushed it off as cheesy or corny or whatever, and then like later revisited it. I think he had been hesitant because there originally wasn't as much Harry Potter content in the book. I think he was sort of resistant to admitting exactly how much Harry Potter had impacted his whole journey. They must have gone back and sort of baked in some of this Harry Potter stuff that we see now -- at least more of it. I thought that was really interesting. It totally read like the title was the first thing that they started with.
 
Charlie Mack  32:59
I do see in the acknowledgments it says, "Thank you Katie Riley for originally come out with the title this book, but mostly for feeding me while I wrote it."
 
Grace Ball  33:09
There you go.
 
Charlie Mack  33:11
I want to say that's probably his roommate maybe.
 
Christina Kann  33:16
Even in like a pre-JK-Rowling-is-a-TERF phase of the fandom, it still is a really strong personality choice to be like "Harry Potter is the whole story. Harry Potter means this much to me." I totally understand Jackson getting a real book deal and being like, "Okay, I have to take this seriously. I can't just be gushing about Harry Potter the whole time."
 
Grace Ball  33:45
Yeah, tone it down.
 
Charlie Mack  33:46
Imagine if my trans memoir was "Claimed" for Percy Jackson.
 
Christina Kann  33:52
Oh, my God.
 
Grace Ball  33:59
When Jackson was thinking about different possible names, his mom had said, "Oh, well, I was originally going to name you, if you're a boy, Harrison." Which, of course, shortened to Harry, and Jackson was like, "I could never! People are gonna think I am losing it!"
 
Christina Kann  34:21
That's very funny. I'm in a Facebook group called Your Children Are Not Billboards for Your Fandoms, and it's a name shaming group. People are like, "My friend straight-up named her baby Khaleesi, can you believe it?" So many children are named Khaleesi. That's not even her name!
 
Grace Ball  34:41
Oh no. Yikes.
 
Charlie Mack  34:45
I have personal things about the whole naming situation. I don't want to like make this all about my trans experience because we're talking about Jackson.
 
Christina Kann  35:05
Do it!
 
Grace Ball  35:05
Please.
 
Christina Kann  35:06
Grace and I don't have trans experience.
 
Charlie Mack  35:08
I know you don't. I just relate to some of this stuff in here, where he's like, "Oh yeah, I came up with the whole Jack name because of this Mary Sue character that I made up," and I'm just like, "Bro, bro, why are you stealing my experience?" That's kind of where Charlie came from.
 
Christina Kann  35:33
I love that.
 
Charlie Mack  35:35
I had a Mary Sue self insert character that I made of myself, and at some point I was like, "Yeah, I guess this character could change gender, I guess that'd be a cool thing I could do." This is before I realized -- this is before I knew nonbinary was a thing, actually. And then I was like, "I guess the masculine version would be Charlie, I guess? I'll go with that." And then that just like, became my name.
 
Christina Kann  36:05
I think Charlie and Jackson are both excellent names in that they're so mild, you know? They're so classic. They're very pleasant names, both of them.
 
Charlie Mack  36:17
At least it's not the trope of nonbinary people being named after objects, which I love. But at least, you know, it's just Jackson Bird.
 
Grace Ball  36:30
It's a very nice, strong name.
 
Christina Kann  36:36
And that whole naming worry is is like one of those things that I just am so grateful that he wrote this so frankly. I really appreciate the gift of getting to look a little bit into that experience. Because names are so important, and how stressful to have to do it for yourself!
 
Grace Ball  37:02
I know. One thing I thought was very cool about Jackson's approach to the naming thing is how involved he wanted his mom to be. I thought that was so nice.
 
Christina Kann  37:19
"This is a lot of parents' jobs, and so I want you to be on the board."
 
Charlie Mack  37:27
Yeah, I didn't necessarily ask my mom for anything. My middle name is Ryan, and that's what I would have been named if I had been born a boy. I liked that, but I didn't want it to be my first name. I was like, "It's gender neutral enough. Let's go with that for my middle name."
 
Christina Kann  37:54
My mom asked me for the first time in my life like two days ago if I like my name.
 
Christina Kann  37:58
Interesting.
 
Christina Kann  37:59
I was like, "Mom, the word 'Christ' is more than half of my name. I don't like love it but it's definitely my name."
 
Charlie Mack  38:10
Jesus-tina.
 
Grace Ball  38:11
Was that just out of nowhere?
 
Christina Kann  38:14
I feel like it was only medium out of nowhere, not completely out of nowhere. I'm trying to remember. We were sitting in her apartments' leasing office and for some reason it just came up.
 
Charlie Mack  38:25
Do you want us to call you Christ-tina now?
 
Christina Kann  38:29
Hard no. But that's probably why I've been introducing myself more and more as Tina lately.
 
Grace Ball  38:34
Just ditch the rest. Fair enough.
 
Christina Kann  38:37
Grace, do you like your name? You also have a weirdly Christian name.
 
Grace Ball  38:40
Yeah, um, I don't know. It's fine.
 
Christina Kann  38:45
I'm actually gonna talk about your name right now. The funny thing about having a friend named Grace is... My grandma lives in a Catholic retirement home, so I see a lot of like language about grace, prayers for grace or like, whatever they do there. And we've also encountered a lot of grace books, like religious books.
 
Grace Ball  39:12
No.
 
Christina Kann  39:13
I swear to god I've encountered a book -- correct me if I'm wrong, but I swear to god this happened -- called Thirsting for Grace.
 
Grace Ball  39:19
Absolutely not.
 
Christina Kann  39:23
Is it Jesus or is it smut?
 
Grace Ball  39:28
I can't tell!
 
Charlie Mack  39:33
I love that. That's just great.
 
Grace Ball  39:35
Yeah, that's real. That's a little too real. Yeah, so my name is pretty versatile, you could say.
 
Charlie Mack  39:48
I've probably told you all about this, but my mom nicknamed me Chuckie Cheese now; that's what she calls me.
 
Grace Ball  39:57
Is that because you're cheesin' all the time?
 
Charlie Mack  40:00
Because I like Cheez-its like a lot, okay?
 
Christina Kann  40:06
They're delicious.
 
Grace Ball  40:07
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  40:09
I only took three notes for this. So I'm gonna read that. In Chapter Six, The Transmasculine Invisibility Cloak, Jackson talks a lot about how god awful the queer and especially trans representation was in childhood in Texas -- in middle of nowhere, Texas, I assume; everywhere in Texas is the middle of nowhere. It's just something I suspect about Texas. He talks about how most of his queer exposure as a kid were really larger than life people. He specifically mentions David Bowie, Dr. Frank-N-further, and Eddie Izzard, who are three of the most theatrical people. So over the top.
 
Charlie Mack  40:56
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  40:57
And this is also he talks briefly about TERFdom in this chapter, which we're not gonna talk about on this chapter, but it does get mentioned. It's a subject appropriate concept to introduce. This is my last note, and then I'll just start scrolling through our reading guide questions. But I also wrote down that he was taught that bisexuality was a myth as a kid and that bi people simply had to choose one, and I take so much offense to that.
 
Grace Ball  41:24
Yeah, in his AP bio class or something, right?
 
Christina Kann  41:30
Oh, my God, you're right about that. Yes.
 
Grace Ball  41:33
Insane. And then also that like, bi people are more susceptible to the flu?
 
Charlie Mack  41:40
I have questions.
 
Christina Kann  41:41
It's because they're making out with twice as many people.
 
Grace Ball  41:45
Oh my god.
 
Charlie Mack  41:50
A lot of things, when I learned them, I just have no memory of them. I blame the ADHD for why I just don't remember when I learned what bisexuality was or what transgender was, but I remember in high school having a similar experience to Jackson there. "Oh, yeah, I like guys, so I can't be gay. So I guess I'm straight." And that was it for like, a couple years. And then I was like, "Oh, I guess -- bisexual -- I can like both? Okay, sure." I don't remember how I happened upon the term or that I could like both, but eventually, I figured that out. And then all my friends were also like, "Yeah, I'm also bi."
 
Christina Kann  42:41
It's pretty easy to be bi. Let me tell ya.
 
Charlie Mack  42:44
I went to Catholic school, too. At a fucking Catholic school, all the queers hung out. We all hung out by the chapel waiting for our rides at the end of the day.
 
Grace Ball  42:54
You found each other.
 
Christina Kann  42:55
Yeah, and let me tell you: if bisexual people could choose one, I think a lot of the time it would just be women, right?
 
Grace Ball  43:05
I mean, that would make sense.
 
Charlie Mack  43:08
I think that's the correct choice? I could be wrong.
 
Grace Ball  43:10
I'm pretty sure.
 
Christina Kann  43:14
I told my mom I was bisexual when I was 15 because I was mad at her and I was trying to upset her and it was a straight up lie. When I said it, it was just a straight-up lie. I was like, "How can I make her as upset as possible right now?" And joke's on me! Oh my God, it was true.
 
Charlie Mack  43:29
Joke's on you.
 
Christina Kann  43:36
The book comes with reading guide questions in the back of it, and it's definitely geared toward a classroom, and it's adorable. "Before the beginning of the book, lead a general discussion about gender." I love it. I really hope that there are a lot of teachers out there teaching this book.
 
Grace Ball  43:54
Me too. I was wondering about that.
 
Christina Kann  43:56
I think it'd be appropriate in a high school English class, you know?
 
Grace Ball  44:00
Yeah, I even think in a college gender study class, this book has a place.
 
Christina Kann  44:08
Yeah, for sure. Okay, so we have actually had a lot of conversations about gender because I'm close friends with Grace and Charlie. So I'm just gonna scroll to the next question.
 
Charlie Mack  44:15
Gender is fake.
 
Christina Kann  44:16
This one's good because it talks about sorting. "In the introduction to Sorted, the author writes 'Growing up as someone who felt different but didn't have the words to describe or understand that difference, I was drawn to labels that could define me in other ways.' What does it mean to be given or to take on a label? How is labeling a form of sorting? Are these labels helpful or important, or as the author writes, 'oppressive and limiting'?"
 
Christina Kann  44:17
I mean, I feel like they can be both.
 
Christina Kann  44:25
Yeah, why not both?
 
Christina Kann  44:26
Why not both?
 
Charlie Mack  44:28
It's like the whole trope of like, you know, like, middle grade young adult books where it's like, you got the divergents, the Hogwarts, the Percy Jackson. You got the whole "This is your thing," "You're this kind of person."
 
Christina Kann  45:14
This is our house, where we are nice and dumb!
 
Charlie Mack  45:17
You have this personality trait, and that's your thing.
 
Christina Kann  45:22
That's literally the plot of Divergent, and she's like, "What if I could have three personality traits?" She's so cool because of that.
 
Charlie Mack  45:31
Guess what? Everyone's fucking divergent!
 
Grace Ball  45:35
Newsflash!
 
Christina Kann  45:38
That premise of dystopian fiction is dumb, and that's why that trend ended. It trended and then it ended.
 
Charlie Mack  45:49
Labels are helpful in certain contexts. In certain contexts, they are oppressive and limiting. But if you're just trying to say in 10 words or less who you are as a person, labels can be helpful.
 
Christina Kann  46:07
Like my Instagram bio is like "Hufflepuff, hiker, she/her/hers."
 
Charlie Mack  46:12
If you're trying to write a bio, labels are like actually helpful.
 
Christina Kann  46:18
Yeah, you're right about that. That's an interesting perspective. Kind of a lot of my friends are turning 30 and being like, "Well, it's probably about time I get that ADHD diagnosis." And I think labels like that can be helpful because it's like, "Okay, let's try like treatment. And then maybe try some meds." You can only do that with this label.
 
Charlie Mack  46:39
Bro, I got diagnosed at, like, age six.
 
Christina Kann  46:44
Good for you! I'm really happy for you.
 
Grace Ball  46:45
Yeah, that's really good.
 
Christina Kann  46:47
Yeah. And then sometimes I'm like, "Do I have an anxiety disorder or just regular anxiety?" And in the end, does that matter? Because it's not gonna change anything.
 
Grace Ball  46:57
Yeah, I still feel the way I feel.
 
Christina Kann  47:01
I went to like, five therapy sessions to be like, "I think I have anxiety disorder." And she was like, "No, just regular. That's just regular life anxiety." And I was like, "Cool. Okay, glad to know we're all like this."
 
Grace Ball  47:13
Oh, my gosh. Wow.
 
Christina Kann  47:18
Obviously, this is a Harry Potter podcast, so this doesn't happen a lot. But every once in a while, I ask a guest, "What is your Hogwarts house?" And they say, "I don't fucking know," or, "I don't care." And that's really valid. I think most recently it was Zac from Belated Binge, where he was like, "I'm a Ravenclaw," let's say, and I was like, "Oh, do you feel like a Ravenclaw?" And he was like, "I don't fucking care." Wow, that's really a valid answer to that. Back in fucking 2020 we had a guest named Claire Haley, who I asked what Hogwarts house they were, and they like invented a new one. It was called Grumblepaw or something.
 
Grace Ball  48:01
I know naps were involved.
 
Christina Kann  48:03
Yeah, naps were involved for sure.
 
Charlie Mack  48:07
Have I ever told y'all that at one point I identified as a Slytherdor because I really wanted to be edgy?
 
Grace Ball  48:15
Wow. The edgiest combo.
 
Charlie Mack  48:21
Am I at all a Slytherin?
 
Christina Kann  48:24
Does it matter? Ugh, labels, am I right? I recently posted -- maybe like two years ago recently -- on my Facebook. I was like, "Wait, guys, am I a Gryffindor?" A lot of people -- not a lot, but definitely some people -- were like, "Oh, it's just whatever you feel in your heart." And definitely my one friend was like, "Who cares? It doesn't matter."
 
Charlie Mack  48:46
You present yourself as a Gryffindor, but you're not.
 
Christina Kann  48:49
I'm a Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor rising.
 
Charlie Mack  48:52
Exactly.
 
Grace Ball  48:53
Yeah. I thought  Jackson's point about labels was a good one. I think he said something like, Labels are meant to help our language be more representative and more... What was the actual word? Accurate. They're not intended to make things more confusing.
 
Christina Kann  49:16
Yeah.
 
Grace Ball  49:18
I feel like if people can find comfort in a label that they identify with, I think that's great.
 
Christina Kann  49:26
Yeah, and that's what it comes down to: the self-sorting aspect of labels. With a couple exclusions, you shouldn't have anyone impose a label on you. Maybe okay, like "felon," that's one that somebody else imposes on you.
 
Grace Ball  49:58
We'll allow that one.
 
Christina Kann  49:59
But with identity questions, it doesn't matter what you think at all. Just ask people what they are and believe them when they tell you.
 
Grace Ball  50:09
Yeah, like, it just does not have to be more complicated than that.
 
Charlie Mack  50:14
My mom and I have the conversation about labels quite often. When I'm like, "Oh, yeah, this person identifies this way," she's like, "Why are there so many labels? Can't y'all just exist?" And I'm like, "Bro, it's how you can explain yourself to people." Once you know what all the words mean, it's a lot easier.
 
Christina Kann  50:38
Exactly, exactly. You have to like rewire your brain to incorporate this as part of the many million things that you know how to do.
 
Charlie Mack  50:46
It's just adding a new word to your dictionary. That's all it is. Just add that word. And you're like, "Cool, I got it."
 
Christina Kann  50:53
And I think a lot of people probably are afraid of failing, afraid of like getting it wrong. You just have to always be trying, you know, and then messing up doesn't matter as much.
 
Charlie Mack  51:10
I can understand that. When you're in the middle of questioning yourself, you're just like, "I don't want to identify in one way or the other, because what if I'm incorrect and then I changed my mind?"
 
Christina Kann  51:21
There's a lot of that in this book.
 
Charlie Mack  51:24
People do that! It happens all the time. It's scary to change your label. Hey, guess what? I changed my name. That was fucking terrifying. So yeah. Imagine if I had been wrong and been like, "Nah, I'm gonna change it again." There are people who do that.
 
Christina Kann  51:45
Okay, here's a good discussion question. Thanks for letting me just read the questions at the back of this book. You know, it's my summer vacation. I'm not doing a ton of extra work. I read a book for this.
 
Charlie Mack  51:58
This is your summer reading.
 
Christina Kann  52:03
Oh, and it's not too late to get this book and read it for Pride Month or just for any whole month. I'll link to it in the show notes.
 
Grace Ball  52:11
Yeah!
 
Christina Kann  52:12
Okay. So I'll paraphrase: When Jackson talks about his decision to "give being a proper girl a shot," how did family and societal pressures and shame and the desire to be perceived as normal contribute to the author's prepubescent phase of presenting as a girl? So I think, more broadly, where does this gender pressure come from? Like, what are we doing to our children?
 
Charlie Mack  52:42
Like -- God...
 
Christina Kann  52:45
Part of it is probably God's fault. You're right about that.
 
Charlie Mack  52:47
I mean, there was a lot about church. "Oh, you got to wear this stuff to church." I don't know if I necessarily said those same things, but I can so relate to what Jackson said as a small child.
 
Christina Kann  53:04
This book made Charlie feel seen.
 
Charlie Mack  53:05
It does, it really does. And I'm not even a trans guy, but I very much understand it. I think it's just being an AFAB person. I get it. I get it so hard.
 
Christina Kann  53:18
Like we mentioned, almost all of this book is Jackson, pre-transition, you know? Pre coming out. So it's mostly just like the feeling that the female assignment is like, not working out, you know what I mean?
 
Charlie Mack  53:35
I definitely want to hear somebody who's trans femme reading this and seeing how they felt about it, or if they got anything at all out of it. Because I would assume similar things, but also way different, because it's a different set of societal norms they're going with, but it's also still the same. Like, "I feel weird about things. I don't know what I am." You know?
 
Grace Ball  54:12
And I think Jackson talked kind of a lot about the fact that he did have a lot of internalized transphobia just as a product of where he grew up.
 
Christina Kann  54:27
I can't imagine this kind of culture. You know, we live in the south, but it's not like that here. I wonder if things would have been different for him just growing up in or near a city.
 
Charlie Mack  54:45
I definitely didn't feel it as strongly as he did with some of those things going on. I was still definitely allowed to like wear pants or a blazer or something to an event.
 
Christina Kann  55:01
Blazers are so sharp on everyone.
 
Charlie Mack  55:04
There were times when I had feminine suits kind of going on. Have I told you all how at my middle school graduation, I showed up wearing a dress with Converse? That was like my thing. I did that.
 
Christina Kann  55:26
That's what fucking Bella Swan wears to prom at the end of Twilight.
 
Charlie Mack  55:31
Yeah, it is. It was. It was also right near the Twilight phase too. I don't think it was inspired by her. I think it was more inspired by the Demi Lovato song. "I can still wear converse with my dress." That's a line in that song.
 
Christina Kann  55:54
Sometimes I'm just like, "Oh, yeah, I'm a couple years older than them, and like, I can feel it." You know?
 
Grace Ball  55:59
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  56:00
Demi Lovato is just a little behind my time.
 
Charlie Mack  56:03
I'm gonna cry a little, it's fine.
 
Christina Kann  56:05
I feel like that's what Jackson wore to all of these terrible dances that he kept going to. That was the motif of this story, that he like kept coming back to this one dance. Does anyone remember what it was called? It was named after somebody.
 
Charlie Mack  56:21
Were you talking about the Harry Potter LeakyCon dance? I went to that, in fact, because I went to LeakyCon. That's the dance in LeakyCon. I met a couple Harry Potter nerds at it.
 
Christina Kann  56:38
Surprise, surprise.
 
Charlie Mack  56:39
--Who were younger than me, making friends. Some people dress up, some people don't. I just wore like jeans and a sweatshirt because I was a dumbass. And I was like dying.
 
Christina Kann  56:55
I respect that phrasing.
 
Charlie Mack  56:57
I wore like a binder, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt, and I was dying.
 
Grace Ball  57:02
Wow. Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  57:04
You needed a blazer in that moment.
 
Charlie Mack  57:07
I don't think I had anything that was dressy, per se, for the occasion. I didn't feel the same pressure that he did for certain events to dress up in dresses. I feel like that ended pretty early on for me, like maybe around middle school. I stopped caring about dresses. It was like, "I'm just gonna wear nice pants and a blouse." I hated the flats. The shoes? The shoes? God, I hate dress shoes. I don't know how y'all feel about things.
 
Christina Kann  57:48
Grace? This bitch can rock a heel.
 
Grace Ball  57:52
I love to rock a heel, I gotta say.
 
Christina Kann  57:53
Grace can wear heels like it's no big deal for so long. It's incredibly impressive.
 
Grace Ball  58:00
I'm dying inside.
 
Charlie Mack  58:02
The only heels I've worn are boots.
 
Christina Kann  58:05
Boot heels is the secret.
 
Grace Ball  58:07
I do like those.
 
Christina Kann  58:09
That's when they're not that bad. I'm a tall person, and I weigh a lot. So I've learned to wear a chunky heel. Gotta keep my truck, the base of the trunk of my tree, sturdy. Big old chunky heel.
 
Christina Kann  58:26
I just flipped open to the page where Jackson was doing an exchange or whatever, and he's questioning his gender, and he asked his roommate, "'Hey, have you heard of--' I squinted back down at the webpage I was reading from. 'GLBT?' She stared at me, probably trying to decide how to patiently respond to my utter lack of knowledge. 'Yes, but I usually call it LGBT.'" And I love that so much. I love that she was like, "Are you fucking kidding me?" And then was like, "Respond respectfully."
 
Charlie Mack  59:04
Have you not heard of Gay Lettuce Bacon Tomato?
 
Christina Kann  59:13
Man, question five asks about bras.
 
Charlie Mack  59:18
Yeah, those are a thing.
 
Christina Kann  59:22
Wow, we should maybe have like a proper bra wearer on this, because I wear training bras.
 
Grace Ball  59:30
I certainly don't need anything very serious.
 
Christina Kann  59:34
There are some people in our friend group who, let's just say, need a bra for like health purposes.
 
Charlie Mack  59:43
Yeah, bras are a thing that exists.
 
Christina Kann  59:47
"How did wearing a bra make Jackson feel marked as one of the girls?" There's that bit where they're hanging with a bunch of friends and one of the dudes is like, looking at him, you know, like checking him out?
 
Charlie Mack  1:00:06
The tank top.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:10
Fuck that feeling, for starters. "Great, we were friends, and now I'm just a sexual object to you."
 
Charlie Mack  1:00:18
I don't know if I just don't notice these things, but I just don't notice when people check me out. Maybe that's just like me not wanting to notice, or me just being oblivious.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:28
I just make a lot of noise, so people are always looking at me, and I'm like, "Look at all these people checking me out!"
 
Charlie Mack  1:00:38
At some point in my life, I was like, "Yeah, I want to have okay boobs." And now I'm just like, "Nope."
 
Christina Kann  1:00:59
I have heard that they're a lot to deal with. "On page 50, Jackson says, 'I want to believe that kids are born without judgment and that gender variance seems natural to them, but I suppose the prejudice of the world can seep in at a very early age.' What are examples of prejudices and attitudes that seep into children as they develop?" I feel like I actually already asked this question, but it's worded differently here.
 
Charlie Mack  1:01:26
Oh, just because this question is reminding me of a situation. I used to work at the movie theater, and I got a couple of different kids who asked me, "Are you a boy or girl?" And I just responded, "Does it matter?"
 
Christina Kann  1:01:44
Both? Both. Why not both?
 
Charlie Mack  1:01:47
I don't know if they heard me or if their parents heard me, but they left.
 
Christina Kann  1:01:54
Damn!
 
Charlie Mack  1:01:57
Just was ignored. My answer was ignored.
 
Christina Kann  1:02:01
It doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't. And that's the truth of it. Grace and I run into this sometimes when we're editing books: a lot of the times authors are like, "In this car there's a driver, and then in the next car, it's a female driver." All the time.
 
Christina Kann  1:02:20
It happens literally all the time. It's never like, "And behind that one, a male driver." No, especially if you're doing something masc coded. "There was two fishermans and then a lady fisher." Obviously, that's not working for anyone. They'll always tell you if they're in books! "Five guards ran in; two of them were women." You know what you call a female guard?
 
Grace Ball  1:02:20
That's happened.
 
Christina Kann  1:02:53
You call her a guard.
 
Christina Kann  1:02:54
You call them a guard! The fact that she's female in this moment where the king is being held at swordpoint does not matter.
 
Grace Ball  1:03:02
Could not matter less.
 
Christina Kann  1:03:06
If you just use the right pronouns, like them, like fine, you're fine.
 
Grace Ball  1:03:10
It doesn't have to be explicitly pointed out. I don't understand. It does happen so consistently. What is that about? Why is that the instinct?
 
Charlie Mack  1:03:24
Gender, man. Why?
 
Christina Kann  1:03:29
This is why it can be harmful to only assign classic books to kids, because of the way they use language. If you talk about more contemporary books with your students or your kids or whatever, then you're exposing them to our more up-to-date and inclusive and understanding way of using language as a whole, you know? Back in like Agatha Christie books, you better believe if one of the guards is female, we need to talk about that.
 
Grace Ball  1:04:03
Yeah, that's true.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:05
Let's talk about how Jackson came out like so slowly over the second half of the book.
 
Grace Ball  1:04:13
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:14
I feel like so much of it is him, first of all, trying to figure it out himself, trying to come out to himself. I was thinking about how we talk about how Ron Weasley is always the last one to know what he's going through. And I kind of felt that same energy with Jackson, at least from this perspective, where we know he's trans all along. So much of it, I was like, "Just try it! Like, just try it out. I think you'd really like it."
 
Charlie Mack  1:04:44
Try it. You'll like it.
 
Grace Ball  1:04:49
Yeah, I thought that Jackson's situation was obviously unique in that he had this YouTube platform. I think that made the coming out process a little more complicated, because it's not like he had a choice. He already had this following, and it's not like he could just transition without any explanation.
 
Christina Kann  1:05:29
He had to collaborate with a social media planner to make it right.
 
Grace Ball  1:05:36
Which is, like, really interesting. But I also think that it was very cool, because I think that, that probably helped a lot of people, the fact that they were able to watch his video, and see that. So I think it was good. But I can't imagine how difficult that was, though.
 
Christina Kann  1:05:59
Yeah. He made a spreadsheet with who he was coming out to when.
 
Grace Ball  1:06:07
And didn't he also have like a packet that he distributed?
 
Christina Kann  1:06:12
Wait, I respect it.
 
Grace Ball  1:06:13
I respect that too. I'm sure you're answering so many of the same baseline questions with every person you talk to,
 
Christina Kann  1:06:23
Grace, that's why I'm writing this book about publishing right now, so we can just stop repeating ourselves. I'm gonna write it down one time really good, and you guys are gonna stop asking me!
 
Grace Ball  1:06:32
It's gonna I save us so much time.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:36
So I respect the hell out of a packet. This is your intake paperwork.
 
Charlie Mack  1:06:41
I wish I'd had stuff like that. I'm jealous of the spreadsheet, especially. "I gotta tell these people before I put it on social media and shit."
 
Grace Ball  1:06:56
I'm an overthinker, too, and Jackson is admittedly an overthinker.
 
Christina Kann  1:07:00
Wow. Evidently.
 
Grace Ball  1:07:04
He really thought a lot about the ripple effect of coming out and how it was gonna affect the people that he went to high school with, and the people that he interacted with: family members, friends, whatever, whatever. And so, the fact that he went about it so methodically, that is that is the strategy that I can relate to so much to get through something like that, to have like a system. I thought that was like so relatable.
 
Christina Kann  1:07:39
Honestly, this is just a great example of a creator taking their platform really responsibly too. He really thought about, like you mentioned, how it affects everyone, his big network and his following online. He was like, "Here's some resources," and it's just nice. I love seeing responsible use of platform.
 
Grace Ball  1:08:02
Me too. I love to see it.
 
Charlie Mack  1:08:06
Just like the way that he thought about all these little things, how it would affect his family and all of these little dynamics -- I thought about that a little bit, and then I was just like, "Yeah, I don't really care enough. Honestly, I just want to exist as me at this point." I just like stopped caring about that.
 
Grace Ball  1:08:30
I think that's good, though. Because you simply cannot go around caring that much all the time.
 
Charlie Mack  1:08:39
I cared when I was telling I think my parents and a little bit with my grandparents, and then I just like slowly cared less less about what people thought.
 
Christina Kann  1:08:55
Everything that you care about, you will eventually slowly care less.
 
Charlie Mack  1:09:01
This doesn't aeffect shit, but also the fact that y'all are just gonna keep deadnaming slashed dead-- I was about to say "deadpronouning." That's not a thing.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:14
Wait, I feel like it should be.
 
Charlie Mack  1:09:15
It should be.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:17
Oh, it's misgendering.
 
Charlie Mack  1:09:23
I failed at being transgender this one time.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:25
I think it's funny that Jackson talked about how his one coming out fuckup was just sending a very casual email to his brother. And his brother was like, "I'm flying down there." But even that was still pleasant, because it was like, "Yeah, we bonded. I explained it, and he felt better."
 
Grace Ball  1:09:45
Didn't his brother like, wildly misinterpret?
 
Charlie Mack  1:09:49
It was weird how his brother misinterpreted it.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:53
I think he was just like, "Whoa, you need to explain yourself."
 
Charlie Mack  1:09:58
Because he was like, "Why can't you just express yourself like these other people? Why do you have to go all out and change everything?"
 
Grace Ball  1:10:06
Yeah, he just kind of misunderstood the whole thing. Yeah, but it sounded like that ended up being a really good experience in the end.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:17
I feel like Jackson was just like, "Trust me when I say that =I've really thought about this, and I'm very sure about this, and I just need your support."
 
Charlie Mack  1:10:29
I like that his family was all good about things. I liked that.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:35
Pretty much. And how about those friends who helped him get his first short haircut?
 
Grace Ball  1:10:42
I think that was my favorite part of the book. We haven't talked about our favorite parts, but I love that. Laurie and Matt, or Lauren and Matt or something? They were so nice.
 
Charlie Mack  1:10:52
Lauren is also a Harry Potter creator who I saw at LeakyCon. Lauren Fairweather. She does YouTube videos.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:53
I'm going to be linking a bunch of stuff in the blog post that I'm gonna put in the show notes for this episode, including that creator and anything we've talked about today, any of the resources we've used. And I also want to include a couple of resources. We were talking about the packet that Jackson came out with and stuff like that, and I know there's resources like that online, so I'll link some of those.
 
Charlie Mack  1:11:33
There are also several links in his book, where he's just like, "Hey, if you want more information on this, here's where I got stuff. Look up this." The fact that he cites sources in the fucking book.
 
Christina Kann  1:11:43
I respect it.
 
Charlie Mack  1:11:44
Love it.
 
Christina Kann  1:11:46
He must be Ravenclaw, right?
 
Charlie Mack  1:11:47
He's a Gryffindor.
 
Grace Ball  1:11:51
Proudly Gryffindor.
 
Charlie Mack  1:11:52
He was like, "Oh, I'm a Ravenclaw" when he was a kid, and then he was like, "Nah, apparently, I'm a Gryffindor."
 
Christina Kann  1:11:58
Everyone thinks they're a Ravenclaw, I feel like, at the beginning.
 
Charlie Mack  1:12:00
I've never, never thought I was a Ravenclaw.
 
Christina Kann  1:12:04
Well, that's because you don't have enough self confidence. When I was in high school, I was like, "I'm the smartest person here and I'm definitely a Ravenclaw," and even had a shirt. But I'm not a Ravenclaw.
 
Grace Ball  1:12:18
There's some Ravenclaw there.
 
Charlie Mack  1:12:20
See, I'm the person who will "um actually" you, but I also don't have the self confidence to be like, "I know better." What were we talking about before?
 
Christina Kann  1:12:35
I found the name of it! It's the Esther Earl Charity Ball.
 
Charlie Mack  1:12:39
Oh.
 
Christina Kann  1:12:42
That's what we were talking about probably 20 minutes ago.
 
Charlie Mack  1:12:44
Yeah. Oh, about the hair cut. I love that. I also went through a hair journey. I'm just gonna keep bringing up my stuff.
 
Grace Ball  1:12:56
Do it do it do it.
 
Christina Kann  1:12:56
Bring up all your stuff.
 
Charlie Mack  1:12:58
This is this is actually the Charlie's Trans Experience episode, if you didn't realize.
 
Christina Kann  1:13:02
Sorted: Charlie's Trans Experience.
 
Charlie Mack  1:13:06
So I used to have my hair all the way down to like my butt crack.
 
Grace Ball  1:13:10
Whoa!
 
Charlie Mack  1:13:10
It was like, long shit. You see how short it is now?
 
Christina Kann  1:13:18
I could have done such a good braid on it.
 
Charlie Mack  1:13:20
I've never known how to braid. My mom didn't know how to braid. I don't know how to braid. It was not well taken care of. I didn't know what to do with it.
 
Grace Ball  1:13:30
When did you chop it?
 
Charlie Mack  1:13:31
In  middle school I started doing Locks of Love, where I would cut it down to my shoulders, and then it would make some wigs, and then I would grow it back out again. And I did that a couple times over. And then in college, I started experimenting with different haircuts because I was like, "I want to try something out different." I got a little bit shorter, a little bit more layered. And then it slowly just kept getting shorter and shorter as I started to figure out gender things. I did not think I would ever get to be this short. When I first got this haircut, it was almost down to the skin.
 
Christina Kann  1:14:15
It's a high and tight. Is that what they're called? Did I make that up? Is that real?
 
Charlie Mack  1:14:24
I don't know. It's a fade. That's what I got. It's a fade.
 
Christina Kann  1:14:28
It looks great. I love it a lot. It has a lot of character.
 
Charlie Mack  1:14:31
So do I.
 
Grace Ball  1:14:34
I did think it was interesting, Jackson's experience getting the haircut. Obviously he traveled to go to someone who would actually do what he wanted because all these hairdressers are like, "You don't really want that."
 
Charlie Mack  1:14:51
I agree.
 
Christina Kann  1:14:51
I love that so much.
 
Christina Kann  1:14:51
I love that he says, "If you have the choice between cunty Karen soccer mom or little boy, go for little boy."
 
Charlie Mack  1:14:55
That's just like really a thing with hairdressers. Y'all know how bad I am at talking to people. I'm a podcaster and I'm bad at talking to people. When I go to get my hair cut, I'm bad at being like, "No, I want it shorter."
 
Grace Ball  1:15:29
Right.
 
Christina Kann  1:15:31
God, even I'm bad at that. I'm bad at that. It's hard.
 
Grace Ball  1:15:34
It's one of the hardest ones.
 
Christina Kann  1:15:37
There's a Bob's Burgers bit about that, obviously.
 
Charlie Mack  1:15:41
My old coworker, who used to deliver pizzas with me, she's now a hairdresser, an actual official hairdresser. So I just say, "Hey, can you cut my hair?" And then I went over to her house at nine o'clock at night and she cut my hair.
 
Grace Ball  1:15:59
Awesome. That's really awesome.
 
Charlie Mack  1:16:01
Yeah. And then I can actually talk to someone about what I want.
 
Christina Kann  1:16:06
It's very important. I just cut my own bangs, so we figure it out together.
 
Grace Ball  1:16:11
You and your bangs?
 
Christina Kann  1:16:13
Yeah. So it's about time to wrap it on up. Before we go, I was wondering who was your favorite person in this book? Your favorite non-Jackson person?
 
Grace Ball  1:16:24
Oh, great question.
 
Charlie Mack  1:16:26
I need like a list of characters.
 
Grace Ball  1:16:29
Really good question. I'm gonna keep complimenting the question.
 
Christina Kann  1:16:34
There weren't a bunch of named extra characters. You get to know his family a little bit. The book ends with him going to his high school reunion, and being scared, and then being like, "I'm not going to be scared anymore." And he talks about how he had like a little support group of friends, and they all went together.
 
Charlie Mack  1:16:58
So which one of those friends is your favorite?
 
Christina Kann  1:17:01
No, they're all my favorite!
 
Charlie Mack  1:17:02
That doesn't count, Christina!
 
Christina Kann  1:17:04
He left his glasses in the car, and they walked back with him. They were like, "We're not leaving your side. We got you on this." And I just love all of them.
 
Charlie Mack  1:17:12
That's cheating your own question.
 
Christina Kann  1:17:14
The real answer to this question was the friends we made along the way?
 
Grace Ball  1:17:18
Aww.
 
Charlie Mack  1:17:19
Maybe his roommate. I liked that she was supportive about things. She's just like, "No, I'm not gonna kick you out. I understand that you're like trans and all that. Like, it's cool. I'm gonna like help you figure some things out."
 
Christina Kann  1:17:34
How scary for Jackson that he even worried about that.
 
Grace Ball  1:17:38
I know. Yeah. I'll go with mom just because she was there from day one, and I felt like she had some missteps, but overall, I liked her.
 
Christina Kann  1:17:54
Yeah, she had a journey. The waistcoat thing does really tickle me.
 
Grace Ball  1:17:59
It does.
 
Christina Kann  1:18:00
I love the Jackson like came out to his mom -- they were Prosecco drunk together on the couch, and he kept trying to say it. I love it so much. It felt very like Gilmore Girls.
 
Grace Ball  1:18:15
Yeah, I see that.
 
Christina Kann  1:18:17
That's kind of the end of it. Do either of you have anything that you want to drive home or  any any final thoughts about Sorted by Jackson Bird?
 
Grace Ball  1:18:26
I mean, I'm just gonna reiterate to listen to the audiobook. I think that it's really cool and special when authors narrate their own books. And I think this is a particularly good one to listen to. So if you haven't read it yet, or if you want to read it again in an audio form, do it!
 
Christina Kann  1:18:46
Hell yeah. Are we ready to move on to plugs?
 
Grace Ball  1:18:51
Sure.
 
Christina Kann  1:18:53
I'm gonna make you do Pride Month plugs, so it's got to be some queer! Charlie, where can people listen to your dulcet tones?
 
Charlie Mack  1:19:02
Oh, well, thank you. As mentioned earlier, I have my podcast Of the Eldest Gods, which is Percy Jackson related shit. We're gonna be on Titan's Curse by the time this comes out. And then I also have my other podcast with my mom, Fandoms Gone Wrong, where we talk about media and things that we like. It's good shit. I'm @greenpixie12 most places, except for Twitter where I'm @greenpixie123. I have my drawing Instagram at @greenpixiedraws. And I have my YouTube as @charliemack.
 
Christina Kann  1:19:55
What's your Pride Month plug, baby?
 
Charlie Mack  1:19:59
I am technically not caught up yet, but I hopefully will be by the time this comes out. The Owl House had the season two finale recently. I might have looked up spoilers already. That's really good and that's pretty queer. It's got a fucking nonbinary character in it. And also the main character is bi, and her girlfriend is a lesbian. We got some good shit in there. You like magic shit? Wou like magical school shit, that also kind of blatantly makes fun of Harry Potter? Watch The Owl House. They have a sorting system, and they have a game that they play that's like Quidditch, but they make fun of the snitch. It's great.
 
Christina Kann  1:20:59
Thank you so much for that recommendation. Grace, where can people find you and/or maybe Wildling?
 
Grace Ball  1:21:07
Yes, whenever I plug anything, it's gonna be Wildling Press. Yeah, so follow Wildling Press @wildlingpress, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. LinkedIn?
 
Christina Kann  1:21:24
Yeah, sure.
 
Grace Ball  1:21:27
Okay, sure. Anyway, connect with us. Come check us out. And I just want to note, if we ever have a book, like Sorted come across our desks, that will be the day. I would be so so happy.
 
Christina Kann  1:21:43
We would love to publish something like this.
 
Charlie Mack  1:21:45
I'll come out with my memoir next.
 
Grace Ball  1:21:51
Yeah! So if you're listening to this episode, obviously, you're interested in transgender memoirs. I have another one that I have read that I would like to recommend to you. It's by Janet Mock, and it's called Redefining Realness. It's been some time since I read it, but it was really informative for me, and I think it's a really good representation of a person of color's experience as a transgender woman. 'I definitely recommend it. So check it out.
 
Christina Kann  1:22:38
Awesome. Thank you. I'm your host, Christina. And you know where to find me; just click on my LinkTree thing. It's always in the show notes. I'm just gonna throw out some names of some of my favorite queer books I've read, I don't know, until I say too many books. Okay, I recently read The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Clune, which is very fun. That's like magic children in a little magic orphanage. And it's gay. The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid was very pleasant, very surprising. Scroll, scroll scroll. Iron Widow by Xiran Jay Zhao is a very cool sci-fi. I think a lot of people have plugged it on this podcast before. It's got some poly stuff. It's like a sci-fi Power Rangers Mulan situation. Right now I'm rereading Fun Home by Alison Bechdel, "a family tragiccomic." That one's a classic graphic novel; I pretty much recommend it to everyone. There's Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuinston, which is a very spicy little rom com. And then finally, I'm going to recommend Nimona by ND Stevenson. It's a another graphic novel. It's a cute little fantasy situation. It's hard to explain. Anyway, read all of those books and reach out if you want more queer lit recommendations for Pride Month because I got them.
 
Charlie Mack  1:24:11
We like that queer shit over here.
 
Christina Kann  1:24:14
I like that queer shit. I just read a lot, and I pretty much am not interested in books that don't have queer representation anymore.
 
Grace Ball  1:24:20
I think that's good.
 
Charlie Mack  1:24:21
Very valid. Love that.
 
Christina Kann  1:24:24
Yeah! Read new books, read new books by cool new authors. And that's the way the news goes. I don't know how to end episodes. Oh, wait! I forgot to say Charlie, thank you for coming on this episode. I appreciate you so much.
 
Charlie Mack  1:24:40
Thank you for letting me make you read a book.
 
Grace Ball  1:24:43
Yeah, thank you, Charlie, for bringing this book to us.
 
Christina Kann  1:24:47
Now you have to read Nimona, because that's the book I gave you.
 
Charlie Mack  1:24:50
I know. I know. We're gonna do a book club. You and me.
 
Christina Kann  1:24:54
And Grace, thank you for also reading a book for us.
 
Grace Ball  1:25:01
Man, I had so much fun.
 
Christina Kann  1:25:03
We always ask people to read books, but it's usually very slowly, one book over a whole year. So asking someone to read a book just for one day feels like a lot, so I appreciate you.
 
Grace Ball  1:25:12
Of course, any old time.
 
Christina Kann  1:25:13
And that's the way the news goes.

Please enjoy.

SPEAKERS
Michael Boothby, Grace Ball, Christina Kann
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  00:02
"They trudged up the misty field between long rows of tents. Most looked almost ordinary. Their owners had clearly tried to make them as Muggle-like as possible but had slipped up by adding chimneys or bell poles or weather vanes. However, here and there was a tent so obviously magical that Harry could hardly be surprised that Mr. Roberts was getting suspicious. Halfway up the field stood an extravagant confection of striped silk like a miniature palace with several live peacocks tethered at the entrance; a little farther on, they passed a tent that had three floors and several turrets; and a short way beyond that was a tent that had a front garden attached, complete with birdbath sundial and fountain."
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  01:03
What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section. It's a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss how the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thank you for being here today. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today.
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  01:23
Chapter Seven: Bagman and Crouch. In this chapter, the Weasleys, Harry and Hermione settle into their campsite. We get to see more of the greater wizarding community in this one chapter than in literally all of the previous books combined. We also get to meet Ludo Bagman, Head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports, and Barty Crouch, Head of the Department of International Magical Cooperation. The day wears on until finally it's time! It's time to go to the Quidditch World Cup. Tune in next week for the game.
 
Christina Kann  02:00
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where old men wear flowing, flowery night gowns to get a healthy breeze around their privates sometimes! I'm joined today by my friend Grace! Say hello to the listeners, Grace.
 
Grace Ball  02:13
Hello, listeners. I am pleased as punch to be here.
 
Christina Kann  02:17
Yes. And our special guest today is none other than Michael Boothby from the Movie Night Crew! Say hello to the listeners, Michael.
 
Michael Boothby  02:26
Hello, listeners. Thank you for listening to me on this other podcasts on the network.
 
Christina Kann  02:33
Thank you for joining us. Can you tell us a little bit about your very Harry history? When did you get into the books? When did you get in the movies? Who helped you along the way?
 
Michael Boothby  02:44
Reading Harry Potter was like one of my favorite experiences as a kid. Growing up, I always loved reading. I read Lord of the Rings when I was probably in like third grade or so, you know. And so I'd always loved reading, and Harry Potter was like, obviously one of my favorites. I still remember when the books were coming out. I remember when Goblet of Fire came out, and we went to the store and got the book and you'd be up all night just like reading it, tearing through the pages -- which, like, people probably don't do at all anymore, right? Like what's a book anymore? Right?
 
Christina Kann  03:21
We're the wrong people for that.
 
Michael Boothby  03:24
Well, yeah, I don't know Zoomers. I don't know. Everything's on the screen now. And we didn't grow up with screens; we grew up with books and Nintendo 64.
 
Christina Kann  03:33
It's true, and it's also true that definitely I don't think any books are nearly as anticipated and savored as these books were in their day.
 
Michael Boothby  03:42
Oh, it was nuts. I mean, I think the only thing I can really kind of compare it to now is when Game of Thrones was on TV. Even though I'd already kind of read the books until it got to the point where they would surpass the books, which never happened with Harry Potter, thank God. But it's that same kind of energy, right? When the books came out, it was such a big deal. I was awful, actually. I was really awful because when Order of the Phoenix came out -- I remember I spent like the next few days reading the books -- and I end up spoiling that Sirius Black dies to my sister. And she still does not forgive me for that. And I get it.
 
Grace Ball  04:27
That's a deep wound.
 
Christina Kann  04:27
Yeah, that's pretty rough.
 
Michael Boothby  04:29
I was being a stupid little boy.
 
Christina Kann  04:33
We all have Harry Potter drama and trauma. Yeah. So Michael, what Hogwarts house are you, if you had to pick one or a couple?
 
Michael Boothby  04:43
Oh, I think a few months ago you sent me the the link to the quiz. I'd never done it before. I think I was a Hufflepuff.
 
Christina Kann  04:55
Yay! I lovingly accept you into House Hufflepuff.
 
Michael Boothby  04:59
Awesome, thanks.
 
Christina Kann  05:00
That tracks. You're very like friendship driven, very easy to get along with.
 
Grace Ball  05:06
Yeah, a very welcoming person
 
Michael Boothby  05:08
Yeah, I think so. The other one that might have been me is Ravenclaw. That's more kind of like intelligent, really brainy, and cunning, right?
 
Christina Kann  05:23
That would have been, I think, my second guess for you is Ravenclaw because of your interest in the arts and stuff. I'll allow it. We love a Ravenpuff on this show. Our guest last week was Ravenpuff also, our friend Anna. It's a bit of like a Luna Lovegood vibe, and honestly, Michael, I see that for you.
 
Michael Boothby  05:42
Yeah, definitely. When I think of Luna Lovegood, I'm like, "That's the person who I want to be friends with." Like, she's so weird, like really out there, but so just like kind hearted, means well, loves her friends, you know?
 
Christina Kann  05:59
Yeah, something that you and Luna Lovegood have in common is that I really do feel like I could kind of say pretty much anything to you, and you'd be like, "Cool! Yeah, that's an interesting perspective. I'd love to talk about that."
 
Michael Boothby  06:10
Definitely.
 
Grace Ball  06:11
Just zero judgment.
 
Christina Kann  06:12
Yeah. Yeah, zero judgment zone
 
Michael Boothby  06:14
Definitely. I'm definitely that kind of guy who -- I mean, I pride myself on encouraging other people to be comfortable expressing themselves. I mean, you know, my background is in performing and teaching improv, and that's what it is. I'm always just trying to yes-and my friends and life in general, you know? It's more fun that way.
 
Christina Kann  06:36
Yeah. Oh my gosh, absolutely. And actually just a little bit of podcast lore for the listeners, we know Michael because he met Brooke while they were both traveling in New Zealand, which I think is so cool.
 
Michael Boothby  06:49
Oh yeah.
 
Christina Kann  06:50
And then you guys both ended up back here in Richmond.
 
Michael Boothby  06:53
Yeah, yeah, we did. I mean, she was from here, you know? It was funny cuz my sisters moved here probably like six years ago now. And I would come and visit them for like holidays and stuff, and I would go and meet up with Brooke and get coffee and stuff, and we'd talk about life in Chicago and all of that. So it was so cool when I finally ended up here. I'm like, "Hey dude, I'm moving to Richmond." She was like, "Okay, cool. Come meet my friends." You know?
 
Christina Kann  07:20
Did you talk about life in Chicago just because it interested you? Or did you live in Chicago?
 
Michael Boothby  07:25
I lived in Chicago. Yeah. When I came back from New Zealand, I was like living back with my parents in Florida for like, probably only a month. And then it was like, "I'm going to Chicago" because I wanted to perform. I mean, I wanted to like be on SNL and all that. Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  07:42
And living with parents in Florida is a vibe.
 
Michael Boothby  07:46
It is a vibe. I actually did an activity earlier that made me feel like I still live with my parents, which was watching the local news at six and then watching NBC Nightly News at 6:30. I did that tonight, and I'm like, "Whoa, are my parents here? What's going on?" Because I would never do that. I don't ever watch the news. And I did tonight. It was obviously so many horrible things. You know, there's nothing good on the news.
 
Christina Kann  08:14
Yes, right. It's not great for self-care to watch the news.
 
Michael Boothby  08:18
No, you know, and they're not telling you anything that you don't already know. It's like, oh, like a school shooting. And even the newscasters at this point are like, "I can't believe this keeps happening. But it happened again." God, dang it. Really?
 
Grace Ball  08:34
Yeah. Definitely doom and gloom.
 
Michael Boothby  08:36
Yeah America being America, which is why we read books about wizards.
 
Christina Kann  08:42
Right! Yes, absolutely. Let's enter that fantasy land. But we're gonna start with an email! That's not very fantastical. Okay. It has been a while, I think, since we've read an email from our beloved friend Mats. But Mats has sent us an email. He actually sent this a couple of weeks ago and I was like, "I'm going to save it for this chapter." This is a little bit of a spoiler alert for what happens later in this chapter, even though we're all spoilers all the time. Here's this email from Mats. Mats says, "Did you know that Ludo Bagman canonically owns half an eel farm? In Goblet of Fire chapter seven Bagman and Crouch--" which is the chapter we're covering today-- "Ludo bagman reveals that, 'little Agatha Tim's has put up half shares in her eel farm on a week long match'--" Betting that the World Cup will take a week to play out. "Which we know did not happen, as a certain Bulgarian seeker decided that he was going to catch the Snitch early despite his team being down by a very manageable amount of points. And no professional athlete in the world could ever make that decision, especially not in the World Cup final. Okay, I'm done. (I'm totally not still mad at this about this. Why are you asking?) Anyway, Krum catching the Snitch early made sure that Ludo Bagman won his bet and gained half an eel farm. Not 100% sure if I call that a win necessarily, but that could just be me. I will never not find it funny that Ludo Bagman owns half an eel farm." Mats keeps saying the phrase "half an eel farm" because it is extremely ridiculous.
 
Christina Kann  08:55
I think that's important. It is only half.
 
Christina Kann  09:59
"What does he do? Did he just retire from his ministry job to become an eel farmer full time? I like to picture bagman walking up to those goblins with whom he was betting trying to bribe them with a bag of eels."
 
Michael Boothby  10:34
Oh my gosh.
 
Grace Ball  10:35
Oh my god. Wow, love that.
 
Christina Kann  10:41
They mention that bet in this chapter.
 
Michael Boothby  10:43
I'm trying to find it because I remember when I was rereading it, I was like, "This is kind of wild."
 
Christina Kann  10:49
It is wild!
 
Michael Boothby  10:49
This is something that as a kid like I didn't really get it, but now that I've actually like traded stocks -- I've done a little bit of gambling -- I'm like, "Whoa, what's going on here?"
 
Grace Ball  11:01
I'd take that bet.
 
Michael Boothby  11:04
I think honestly my favorite part of this chapter was when the guy's like, "Who wants to get some bets?" and some people are like, "Meh," and then Fred is just like, "Yo, here's all the money we have." They're like, "Oh, Ireland will win but Krum's gonna catch the Snitch," and then he's like, "Oh, like that would ever happen. I'll give you a good odds." I forget if that's what does happen. I feel like maybe it does. I don't know.
 
Grace Ball  11:29
It does.
 
Michael Boothby  11:29
Okay, is this how Fred and George got the money to start their shop? In this crazy bet?
 
Christina Kann  11:35
*singing to Hamilton tune* Just you wait, just you wait. Better read along! *end singing* Anyway, thank you so much, Mats, for that email. Thank you for really highlighting this thing that I think we all have passed over in reading several times before, and we might have you been passed over in today's conversation but it is super ridiculous and it deserves to be underlined.
 
Grace Ball  11:53
I agree completely.
 
Michael Boothby  11:54
I love that.
 
Grace Ball  11:55
And doesn't Bagman like kind of go away because he owes all of these people money and stuff?
 
Christina Kann  12:03
He goes away to the farm.
 
Grace Ball  12:03
He goes he goes on the eel instead of on the lam. That was a terrible joke I take it all back.
 
Christina Kann  12:14
Yeah, I was gonna say that they sent him to a farm upstate.
 
Michael Boothby  12:19
Is that what happens?
 
Christina Kann  12:21
Isn't that a euphemism for putting down your dog?
 
Grace Ball  12:23
Yes. But what does an eel farmer do? I mean, I guess you can sell eel on the market.
 
Christina Kann  12:35
Eels live in the water. Just as a reminder to everyone, they're aquatic creatures.
 
Grace Ball  12:39
Yes.
 
Christina Kann  12:40
And one time I visited my friend who lives in Alaska. She is a psychiatrist, I think, in Alaska, in Sitka, which is an island on the southern coast. And her boyfriend at the time worked for a salmon hatchery, basically a salmon farm. They would like raise -- they would like, egg up -- like, grow -- grow eel -- no! salmon -- I'm getting really turned around now. They would grow salmon eggs and then like release the salmon into the ocean, and then the salmon would come back to mate, because they go back to mate where they were born, and they would harvest all the salmon and it was incredibly metal -- and by "metal" I mean there were metal baseball bats that they would use to club these salmons over the head. It was extreme. So that's what I picture, this eel farm, but even more metal because they are electrical.
 
Michael Boothby  13:37
Do they club them with like magical spell clubs?
 
Christina Kann  13:42
Like anti electric clubs.
 
Michael Boothby  13:44
Yeah.
 
Grace Ball  13:45
I cannot picture Ludo bagman doing that, I'm sorry.
 
Christina Kann  13:48
Wasn't he a beater? Just saying.
 
Grace Ball  13:50
Oh my god, wait. You're right. 100%.
 
Michael Boothby  13:51
He definitely could! Oh he's definitely clubbing those eels.
 
Grace Ball  13:53
I just felt like in that moment he was too silly to be doing that, but you're right, he does have a history of clubbing.
 
Michael Boothby  13:59
Maybe this was always just like a passion of his, you know? Even like back when he was a beater he was just by the ocean one day and it just kind of became his side hustle. And then he slowly was working his way to getting a whole eel farm and just he never made it.
 
Christina Kann  14:20
After Ludo Bagman runs away in shame after he can't pay his debts, I imagine like a "Where is he now??" and it's just "You can find me in da club," and it's him like on the rocky coast with like an eel bashing club slash beater bat.
 
Michael Boothby  14:37
This sounds like a very specific like Robot Chicken sketch, What Happened to Ludo Bagman?
 
Christina Kann  14:46
Robot Chicken freaks me out, but that is a weirdly flattering compliment on a joke. I'm like, "Okay, so it's uncomfortable, but like pretty funny."
 
Michael Boothby  14:54
I think so.
 
Christina Kann  14:57
So this chapter starts with they just took the portkey two chapters ago, so like not the last chapter and not the last chapter. The chapter before that. Brooke was on, and I was complaining about how we have all these buildup chapters in the beginning. Brooke made a very funny joke about how, much like a flan, we are now perfectly set. It was really good. But I just want to point out that it is now like several chapters later, and we are still setting. The flan has over set.
 
Grace Ball  15:27
Over proved!
 
Christina Kann  15:30
I'm gonna isolate that sound clip. I'm gonna make it my alarm.
 
Grace Ball  15:36
You're running late, Christina, you're overproved!
 
Christina Kann  15:41
So they've all arrived on a stretch of misty moor. I can just picture Liz Bennett declining marriage proposal on this misty moor.
 
Grace Ball  15:52
Absolutely.
 
Michael Boothby  15:53
I think I've been camping in this place, you know? Not that place, but I think I've definitely pitched a tent in some misty field for some festival.
 
Christina Kann  16:02
The festival vibes in this are so good. I really was like relating to this chapter a lot because Sean and I have been to a lot of music festivals, and it's the exact same energy. It sounds so fun. Okay, but we'll get there.
 
Michael Boothby  16:17
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  16:19
There are two wizards standing there to welcome them. They're dressed very poorly in muggle incognito. They should have just worn wizard outfits because it's like, "Oh, that person is wearing a strange outfit, but at least they literally know what an outfit is."
 
Grace Ball  16:36
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  16:36
You know what I mean? Yeah, so they direct the Weasleys in the Diggorys to their respective campsites. And they go to the campsite and the campsite manager, Mr. Roberts--
 
Grace Ball  16:48
This guy.
 
Christina Kann  16:49
My man. I respect the hell out of him. This man's a Ravenclaw. He's like, "Something's not right here. I swear to god."
 
Michael Boothby  16:57
Yeah, yeah, he's a very suspicious Muggle.
 
Grace Ball  17:02
As he should be. People are not subtle here.
 
Michael Boothby  17:05
Yeah, he was like, "I've done a lot of festivals in my day, but is the magic seems too real at this one."
 
Grace Ball  17:13
Mr. Roberts is like, "I am super high right now but still really weird."
 
Christina Kann  17:19
So he asks for them to pay and Harry's helping Arthur count out muggle money.
 
Michael Boothby  17:25
I love this part. I love that part so much. I love Mr. Weasley just like being like, "How do muggle? What do I do?"
 
Christina Kann  17:36
But you know how to, like, count, right? Like these have numbers on them.
 
Michael Boothby  17:39
Yeah! That's what I was saying. Even Harry was like, "There's a five on there."
 
Christina Kann  17:45
Harry probably has never held muggle money either, real money. Maybe like learning about it in school.
 
Michael Boothby  17:52
You don't think you don't think that he just -- I don't know. You think the dursleys gave him an allowance? Probably not.
 
Christina Kann  18:01
Hard no.
 
Michael Boothby  18:02
Some pennies.
 
Christina Kann  18:03
He's been saving rogue coins from over the years and now he has like 10 muggle dollars.
 
Michael Boothby  18:07
Ones that he's found in the vacuum over the years.
 
Christina Kann  18:12
Mr. Roberts is like, "All these people are really weird. They seem to know each other." It really is like someone's having a rave and the property owner doesn't know, you know? It's like, "I've seen so many asses today. This is not a family reunion." A wizard Apparates into the scene, and he obliviates Mr. Roberts, clearing his memory, and he complains that he needs 10 obliviations -- he needs his memory wiped 10 times a day to be happy. First of all, I would argue he's not happy, and second of all, that's like hourly.
 
Grace Ball  18:46
Yeah, and I feel like at some point that must cause some kind of damage, right?
 
Michael Boothby  18:51
Do people like get addicted to this? Is this like wizard drugs? Just obliviating each other, you know?
 
Christina Kann  18:57
Ooh! That's fun.
 
Michael Boothby  19:03
Wasn't it the muggle that was getting obliviated, right? Because everyone kept doing magic stuff, and he's like, "Wait a minute," and he forgets, and he's like, "Wait a minute," and it keeps coming back. It was so funny that my sister was watching Men in Black last night; that's what this reminded me of. They just keep like flashing him with the memory eraser, but it's a spell, but I was like, "This poor guy."
 
Christina Kann  19:25
Have either of y'all watched Doctor Who?
 
Grace Ball  19:28
No I haven't. I'm so sorry.
 
Christina Kann  19:29
Okay, well, I'm gonna tell this story anyway, for the listeners. It's brief. I think I've even mentioned this before because it's kind of stuck with me. I think the scariest creatures that they come across in Doctor Who, they're called the Silence. And they're these creatures that -- I don't remember -- they're bad for some reason. Murdery, they're gonna murder you, it's bad. I don't really remember. But when you're looking at them, cool. There they are. But as soon as you turn away, you completely forget that they exist. And so they're always trying all these things to desperately remember that they've seen one of these creatures. So they start by like, every time they see one they do a tally mark on themselves. And so they'll walk into this room and be like, "Oh, cool, okay, clear." And then they'll like, look down and there's 15 tally marks on their hand and they're like, "Oh my Jesus Christ. They're somewhere around me."
 
Grace Ball  20:25
That's even scarier though! You have the evidence of it.
 
Christina Kann  20:28
Yes. And then they're like, "Oh, shit, it's right there. I'm gonna go tell--" And then they turn and they're like, "Oh, nothing, nothing's wrong." And it like becomes such an issue that they like upgrade and they put little -- I don't know -- alien future magic -- they put little voice recorders in their hands. So every time they see one, they record while they're watching it, so it gets scarier. They'll like see that the light in their hand is beeping and they'll play back a message of themselves that they don't remember. It's just like, "They're everywhere. They're all around us!"
 
Grace Ball  20:59
Just like heavy breathing.
 
Christina Kann  21:00
"There's no way out." And they're like, "What the fuck?" Oh my gosh, so anyway, that's the kind of day Mr. Roberts is having.
 
Grace Ball  21:07
He is not okay.
 
Michael Boothby  21:09
No.
 
Christina Kann  21:10
He needs a notebook to write things down.
 
Michael Boothby  21:14
Then it becomes like a Christopher Nolan film. After that weekend, he's like, "What does it mean? I knew this meant something." Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  21:24
They go into the camp site, and it really is like, festival season! You see all your friends and no one has to wear work clothes and asses out, dicks out, tits out, beers out. I haven't been to a festival since before COVID, and I miss it obviously. So most of the campers have tried to emulate muggle tents and campsites, and some of them have failed. Some haven't even tried: "an extravagant confection of striped silk like a miniature palace with several live peacocks tethered at the entrance." Literally is that the Malfoys?
 
Grace Ball  22:08
I mean, I think it must be.
 
Christina Kann  22:11
Who else would have peacocks?
 
Grace Ball  22:12
Exactly.
 
Michael Boothby  22:13
Live peacocks.
 
Christina Kann  22:16
Better than dead peacocks.
 
Michael Boothby  22:18
Yeah, you're right.
 
Christina Kann  22:22
I guess the alternative would be like a stone peacock, like the lion columns that flank the New York library.
 
Michael Boothby  22:28
Oh my god. Do those exist? Now I want that: a stone peacock? That's so cool.
 
Grace Ball  22:34
It's definitely a power move.
 
Christina Kann  22:35
Yes.
 
Michael Boothby  22:36
In my in the middle of my condo, I'm gettinga stone peacock.
 
Christina Kann  22:40
The trick is to like have stone peacocks on the outside and then live peacocks on the inside, so they've already seen the stone ones. They're not expecting like more peacocks inside, and it escalates.
 
Michael Boothby  22:52
Guys, you know live peacocks are pretty scary. Have you guys ever  been around live peacocks?
 
Christina Kann  22:57
Um, wait. Yes. And who -- Why? Why was I talking about this like yesterday?
 
Michael Boothby  23:03
I don't know.
 
Christina Kann  23:04
I was talking to somebody about peacocks because whoever was was like "All zoos do that." Because if the zoo has a peacock, the peacock just go wild. Yeah, they're terrifying.
 
Michael Boothby  23:13
I've seen peacocks before, but not at a zoo. I went camping once with my best friend and his dad when I was a kid living in Florida, and we just went to this campsite and you woke up and there was just a bunch of peacocks.
 
Christina Kann  23:26
No!
 
Grace Ball  23:27
Mikey, I'm not unconvinced that you've actually been to the Quidditch World Cup. I think you were there. Are you Mr. Roberts?
 
Christina Kann  23:42
Oh, wait, what are you writing down in my notebook there? Your momento notebook?
 
Michael Boothby  23:48
Yeah right. When you guys hit me with the spell after the podcast.
 
Christina Kann  23:56
Okay, so they reach their camp spot. Magic is technically not allowed on the muggle campsite. I mean, you can do magic subtly, I think, and make your life a lot easier, but Arthur is very excited to put up the tents manually.
 
Michael Boothby  24:12
That was in my notes. I literally put that in my notes. I have three notes, and they're all very short, and that was one of them. Page 78: Mr. Weasley being overexcited using a mallet. I just love that. It's so funny.
 
Christina Kann  24:25
I love him.
 
Michael Boothby  24:26
He's so adorable. He's got such a big heart, but he's so stupid sometimes.
 
Christina Kann  24:34
He's a man of simple pleasures.
 
Michael Boothby  24:35
Yeah, for sure.
 
Christina Kann  24:36
He's easily entertained.
 
Grace Ball  24:38
He's so earnest and so endearing. I'm just like, "Hw could you ever be mad at this dude?"
 
Christina Kann  24:44
For sure. Well, Molly Weasley makes it happen.
 
Grace Ball  24:46
Weasley is an exception.
 
Christina Kann  24:48
Being married to someone so incredibly mild does have its drawbacks, especially, I'm sure, when you're trying to raise seven children. Add that to the list of reasons Sean and I can't have kids. He's too mild. I can't do all of the disciplining.
 
Michael Boothby  25:03
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  25:04
I just think it's funny because if you're going to start -- Arthur Weasley has never done anything without magic in his life, and you don't start with assembling tents. That is like starting a video game on expert level. Why don't you just try it out first? Do something a little easier. Maybe make yourself a pot of coffee, you know what I mean?
 
Grace Ball  25:23
Yes, maybe try to boil some water.
 
Christina Kann  25:26
Yeah, I think coffee is a medium level, intermediate. There's a lot of components.
 
Grace Ball  25:32
Yeah, definitely not building a whole tent -- well, two tents, right?
 
Michael Boothby  25:36
Two tents, yeah, there's two tents.
 
Christina Kann  25:40
I'm a muggle. I've assembled a lot of tents in my life, and every single one is a fucking pain in the ass.
 
Michael Boothby  25:45
I don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy it. My last memory of going to a festival -- we got there late, and it was already dark, and we had to put the tents up in the dark. Not fun. Not great.
 
Christina Kann  25:58
Sean and I have a pop up tent now for that reason. We take our eight-person pop-up tend to every festival. But the first time we had that tent, we didn't really know how it was. It was also my first festival ever, and we went there right after work, and we got there when it was pitch black, and I super super super don't have night vision. I know that humans generally don't have night vision, but me in particular. It had rained so much that the whole thing was just like a muddy swamp. We were trying to find a spot to pitch our tent in the darkness, and I could barely even walk in the mud, and my Uggs were slipping and sliding everywhere, and I was having an actual meltdown. I was sobbing hysterically. Sean just found the first patch of grass, and was like, "We're camping here! Okay? We're camping here." And the people next to us was like three dudes camping in a tent, and they had been there for hours; they were incredibly shit faced. And when they saw me crying, they all ran over, and they were like, "Oh my god, are you okay? Come here!" and they walked me over to their fire, and they sat me down their chair, and they handed me like a hot dog and a beer. They were like, "We got this!" None of them had shirts on. They were all like screaming. But they were like, "We got this!" and they just put our tent together for us.
 
Michael Boothby  27:05
Wow!
 
Grace Ball  27:06
That is beautiful.
 
Michael Boothby  27:06
See, that's what I miss about festivals is just that neighborly, just people helping people. You just don't see that often in just like society, you know? When there's sidewalks and houses -- I don't know. This whole thing, you know? When you get away from that and it's just like people expressing themselves and being cool.
 
Christina Kann  27:32
It's literally so nice.
 
Michael Boothby  27:33
It's so great, yeah.
 
Christina Kann  27:35
It's a place where you can just trust everyone, kind of.
 
Michael Boothby  27:38
Now I want to go to a festival. I'm sad, there was some yoga festival that my friends went to here. I want to go to a yoga festival and teach a comedy class. Now you're like the funny guy at this yoga festival with just yoga teachers and breathwork and stuff. I love it.
 
Christina Kann  27:57
That's juxtaposition.
 
Michael Boothby  27:58
Hey, and that's comedy, baby!
 
Christina Kann  28:01
It's true. It's true. Arthur looks to Harry and Hermione for guidance with this tent, but Harry has never been camping before. Hermione probably just logics that shit, you know? She might have been camping before, actually. Her parents could be outdoors people. I never went camping as a kid, but some people's parents go camping, I'm sure.
 
Michael Boothby  28:25
I was a boy scout, but you know, I was the worst one. I didn't want to learn anything or like tie knots. I just wanted to like, build the swords out of the tree bark or whatever, and you know, have a fight in the woods and go exploring.
 
Christina Kann  28:40
What else is there to do in the woods?
 
Michael Boothby  28:43
I guess like just surviving, but like that wasn't my goal. Like, I don't care. I'm not gonna survive in the woods by myself. That sounds awful.
 
Christina Kann  28:51
Well, I was in Girl Scouts, and the tone was just like a little different. I remember one time there was a thunderstorm warning, and they woke us all up in a panic in the middle of the night to like race us home to escape the thunderstorm. My friend Anna was so upset that she barfed in the car.
 
Michael Boothby  29:07
Oh my god. She was so upset that she threw up?
 
Christina Kann  29:11
They really were panicking about the thunderstorm. They were like, "Leave everything! Abandon everything!" It was surely not that big of a deal, but they were super alarmed.
 
29:22
Yeah, that's extreme. Who gets that worked up about just rain?
 
Grace Ball  29:29
So you guys were presumably outside?
 
Christina Kann  29:31
Yes.
 
Grace Ball  29:32
And so they were freaking out.
 
Christina Kann  29:34
We were outside and they were freaking out.
 
Grace Ball  29:37
That's crazy.
 
Michael Boothby  29:37
See, I remember going on a long backpacking hike. It was probably my first backpacking hike as a child. And we were in Orlando, and we went really out there. We made the tents, and at night these raging thunderstorms came in. I remember being in the tent with my friend and his dad, and the wind was blowing. I was using my sleeping bag to absorb the water at the bottom of the tent, and it was so scary, but at the same time, as a kid, I thought it was so exciting. I was like, "This is so cool! His dad's actually concerned for safety and is going outside and doing dad things to keep us safe. Good thing he's here, man. I would have no idea what to do. I don't know what to do right now. I'm gonna stay in the tent."
 
Christina Kann  30:32
I'm pretty sure my dad has never done dad things to keep me safe. That's not really his vibe, you know?
 
Michael Boothby  30:38
Yeah, yeah, no, it was a rare thing for me to witness, but I'm glad it happened. It was a really cool experience.
 
Christina Kann  30:47
When I was 16, I took my boyfriend at the time camping at this park near our house for his birthday so that we could have sex without anyone's parents being mad.
 
Grace Ball  30:56
Nice.
 
Christina Kann  30:57
But it started thunderstorming at like 10 o'clock at night. The tent was flooded, everything was flooded. It was so wet, but we were not leaving. This was like the only $25 I'd ever had to rent this campsite. We were never gonna get a chance to be alone ever again.
 
Grace Ball  31:17
This is it!
 
Christina Kann  31:19
This is the same guy for whom I went into the woods and got chiggers all down my backside because we had sex in the woods.
 
Grace Ball  31:25
Okay, I wasn't sure if this was the same story or a different one.
 
Christina Kann  31:29
Different story.
 
Grace Ball  31:30
Two separate rendezvous.
 
Michael Boothby  31:33
Man, you guys are you guys are having sex at 16? That's so cool, man. All I wanted to do when I was 16 was have sex, and I didn't lose my virginity till I was 19, till I had graduated high school.
 
Christina Kann  31:48
That's just not that bad.
 
Michael Boothby  31:50
Even now, 30 year old me, I wish 16 year old me could have the sex that I have now -- because I don't care anymore! I'm 30! I don't care anymore.
 
Christina Kann  32:02
I see, you wanted to have more chance to appreciate it before you got jaded. I do understand that.
 
Michael Boothby  32:07
It was so exciting then, too. It was the only thing I wanted and it was not happening. It was not gonna happen. I had no chance.
 
Christina Kann  32:15
I read all these YA novels where people are so excited to just like touch each other. Wow, I remember that but I don't think there's any going back.
 
Michael Boothby  32:27
Yeah, oh my god.
 
Christina Kann  32:30
Oh dear. How did we get here? You know how we got here it they "finish erecting the tent" are my exact notes.
 
Grace Ball  32:39
How dare you say "erect" at this time?
 
Michael Boothby  32:42
Nice. Very nice transition.
 
Christina Kann  32:46
And they finish the tents and they go inside, and it's bigger on the inside. That's another Doctor Who joke for you.
 
Michael Boothby  32:54
I'd love that, though. It's one of my favorite things of the Harry Potter universe -- and also Hermione's infinite bag of stuff. I just love that there's this thing that looks small on the outside, and you walk in and it's like, "It's a three bedroom." I'm pretty sure Mr. Weasley says, "Well, it's not the biggest one, you know, but we'll make do." And Harry's just like, "What the fuck? This is insane."
 
Christina Kann  33:23
That's the thing: with Harry, it doesn't matter if it's big or small. It's just the novelty of this kind of magic is is all he needs to be stoked about this. Honestly, they could probably sleep in the open grass and he'd be stoked just to be here. He hasn't done a lot of fun stuff in his life. So they need water for the kettle. It is probably, what, like, 7 am right now? It's really early.
 
Michael Boothby  33:47
It's pretty early because yeah, people are like waking up. When they first get there, I feel like no one's even up yet.
 
Christina Kann  33:54
Usually when I go camping, it's a wake up with the sun thing. It's usually like 6:30 or 7 just organically.
 
Grace Ball  34:01
Yeah, like an eel farmer or something.
 
Christina Kann  34:06
So Ron and Harry and Hermione set out to find like the spigot that is marked on their campsite map, so they get to stroll through. At the festivals I go to, I call this a preliminary walkabout, just to see where stuff is. See if you see any familiar faces. Don't even worry about setting up camp. Yeah, like just go. We'll do this later. We have all day. Yeah, people are starting to wake up. Harry's never seen wizard children before. And the book doesn't say this, but I feel like he's probably a little like sadly nostalgic. What's the opposite of nostalgic? Like, "I wish I had had that," you know?
 
Michael Boothby  34:44
Jealous? I mean, it's not jealous but it kind of is.
 
Grace Ball  34:48
A little envious, maybe.
 
Michael Boothby  34:49
Envious! I think that's the word. He easily could have had that with his parents. Yeah, they would have brought him to the Quidditch Festival and let him get a little too crazy on a mini broom while the other wizards are like, "Tame your kids!" I love that. They're like, "These are bad parents!" like they're all like judging each other or whatever.
 
Christina Kann  35:13
Oh my god, this just like flashed me back to when I was a kid and all the adult couples in my family were not divorced yet. They're all divorced now. But you know, I would go to the Outer Banks with my whole family, and somehow we would fit eight children and six aunts and uncles and Grandma, we'd all fit in the same house. And every night -- I know this now, and at the time I just didn't even clock it -- but every night, all the grownups would get shit-faced drunk, and we would just like run wild on the beach. And I just picture that for James and Lily and the Marauders, just like getting drunk as shit. And they're like, "Fuck, we have a baby. We're 22." Yeah, going buckwild on a toy broom. It's a lovely little image.
 
Grace Ball  36:02
I love that.
 
Michael Boothby  36:02
Oh, poor Harry.
 
Christina Kann  36:04
But it never was!
 
Michael Boothby  36:05
It was never meant to be.
 
Christina Kann  36:07
There's a baby who's prodding the slug with a wand.
 
Grace Ball  36:14
Kevin!
 
Christina Kann  36:14
Is his name Kevin?
 
Grace Ball  36:16
Yeah, his name's Kevin.
 
Christina Kann  36:17
Oh my god, that makes me so happy, for some reason, that his name is Kevin.
 
Michael Boothby  36:21
The little baby -- he has a name?
 
Grace Ball  36:24
Yeah, his name is Kevin.
 
Christina Kann  36:25
I don't know why I didn't retain that either.
 
Grace Ball  36:28
I just thought it was so random and funny.
 
Michael Boothby  36:30
I have to look this up. I have to see it with my own eyes. Little Kevin?
 
Grace Ball  36:37
Yep. This is just a reminder to me -- and I know we've talked about it before with the Weasleys having seven kids -- but just like how much of a nightmare it would be to be a parent of wizards. They're just crazy. They're just like stealing your wand and like doing a bunch of shenanigans.
 
Christina Kann  36:57
It's true. And honestly, not to always make everything about my kittens, but it's similar, I think. With the kittens it's like, "How did you jump so far? Like how are you this? How do you have this much energy? This is bananas. This is unfathomable to me." And I feel like it'd be the same thing with a kid. "Whoa, you're defying gravity, the laws of physics. Get it together. This is really wild right now."
 
Michael Boothby  37:22
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
 
Christina Kann  37:25
 Slugs. "You bust slug!"
 
Michael Boothby  37:28
I just read read a part that like I think I didn't register when I was reading it earlier. All the wizards are waking up, but I love that "while a group of middle aged American witches set gossiping happily beneath a spangled banner stretched between their tents that read 'the Salem Witches Institute.'" I love that. I love that so much. And they're like, "Harry caught snatches of conversation in strange languages from the inside of tents they passed." It's so funny. It's such a festival! There's just so many people and he's so excited. That's one thing I came back to, the moment Harry has this moment where he's like, "I never thought that there were wizards outside of Hogwarts," and it really dawns on him. I love the international aspect of the Goblet of Fire, right? Who doesn't want the wizard Olympics, right?
 
Christina Kann  38:22
Totally. There's probably a lot to look at, even more so than that like muggle music festival.
 
Michael Boothby  38:30
Right! And there's already so much there.
 
Christina Kann  38:35
They get to the Ireland camping section, which is all decked out in green. They next find the Bulgaria section, where Victor Krum's poster is everywhere. They run into Seamus and Dean, obviously in the Ireland section. His name's Seamus. He's in the Ireland section.
 
Michael Boothby  38:53
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  38:54
I always like read the chapter and listen to it also. I just listen to random videos on YouTube of people reading it. And I discovered one today, a reader who was just like a regular person -- they didn't appear to be an actor on a stage -- but they did different voices for every single character in this chapter, including different accents, and they were very well done accents. So I'm gonna link that in the show notes because it was honestly an incredible performance. It was this person and supposedly their partner, and the partner was just sitting there for 50 minutes of reading, just listening pleasantly, while their partner really committed to this elaborate -- they were doing so many voices! Anyway, it's linked in the show notes. It's really incredible.
 
Grace Ball  39:46
Yeah, that's like a one man show. That's awesome.
 
Christina Kann  39:48
Yeah, it was serious. They finally get to the water tap. They're waiting in line. Cue Archie and his nightgown. I love that man.
 
Grace Ball  39:58
Yep.
 
Christina Kann  39:59
Honestly, more power to him because he's refusing to put on -- the point of wearing muggle clothes is to not be suspicious. But the nightgown is a little conspicuous for any person to be wearing like during the day in public.
 
Grace Ball  40:21
It sounds cute though.
 
Christina Kann  40:24
It does sound cute and probably really comfy.
 
Grace Ball  40:26
Yeah!
 
Christina Kann  40:27
And airy, I guess.
 
Grace Ball  40:30
Mhm, in all the right places.
 
Christina Kann  40:34
That's why I want to buy Sean a kilt, I think, which is just a skirt. I think it would probably be so liberating for people who just wear pants every day to just throw on a skirt and see what happens. See what happens.
 
Grace Ball  40:48
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  40:50
See, this is the kind of stuff that we lose in the movies. Hermione dissolves into a fit of giggles -- specifically Hermione.
 
Michael Boothby  40:55
I love that.
 
Christina Kann  40:56
Ron and Harry are okay, but Hermione loses her shit. I don't know why.
 
Grace Ball  41:01
She's probably like, "I have that nightgown."
 
Michael Boothby  41:08
It's some inside joke she has with herself that no one else would get.
 
Christina Kann  41:15
Only children things: inside joke with myself.
 
Michael Boothby  41:18
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  41:21
They get the water, they walk back to camp. After all this, Harry finally -- I think it's been like an hour and a half -- Harry finally is like, "You know, wow. There's other schools out there."
 
Grace Ball  41:35
Way to go, Harry.
 
Michael Boothby  41:36
He has that kind of introspective moment.
 
Christina Kann  41:41
He's not a Ravenclaw.
 
Grace Ball  41:42
How has he not had that yet? But whatever.
 
Michael Boothby  41:45
I get it though. If it's your first time going to a festival, there's so much happening externally that it's not until you walk back to your tent for the first time and are sitting there and lying back. You're like, "Huh, how do I feel?" You know? I don't know.
 
Christina Kann  42:03
The reflection.
 
Michael Boothby  42:04
Right, yeah. You can't really reflect when you're meeting all these crazy people and doing tasks. You're so focused on just what's happening.
 
Christina Kann  42:13
It's true. The one festival that Sean and I have been to the most, we camp half a mile away from the event site? And it's like straight up a mountain the entire half mile. It is a good little reflection time because you're just going straight up. I feel so powerful after like three days of just walking up a mountain.
 
Michael Boothby  42:38
My gosh, if I went to that festival and camped where you guys camped, after day one, I'd be like, "I guess I'm going, bye! It's enough exercise for me."
 
Christina Kann  42:49
They do have like a bus, which is fun, but I prefer to walk.
 
Michael Boothby  42:53
Okay.
 
Christina Kann  42:53
Hey, good to see everybody.
 
Grace Ball  42:55
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  42:55
Everybody's all lit. But it's like in the dark. So it's like A Midsummer Night's Dream. Just like all these fairies in the dark.
 
Grace Ball  43:02
You can't do your walkabout from a bus.
 
Christina Kann  43:05
Exactly. So back at the campsite, they got off the bus. Arthur has been really enthusiastically failing to light his fire with matches.
 
Grace Ball  43:27
And then the one he lights, he's surprised that he lit it, and it goes out or whatever.
 
Christina Kann  43:32
Don't tell me you've never done that.
 
Grace Ball  43:34
I have certainly done that. Definitely.
 
Christina Kann  43:38
Sometimes it's scary.
 
Grace Ball  43:39
That's why I love that part! I'm like, "Wow, that's relatable."
 
Christina Kann  43:42
That's the most muggle shit! Finally Hermione's like, "Let me show you how to do a match." And then while the fire gets hot, they just kind of sit and watch people go past. I also relate to this, honestly; this is a festival vibe -- or even kind of going anywhere vibe, the people-watching. Arthur's keeping a running commentary of the ministry and other important people who pass them by. They start cooking breakfast. Charlie, Bill, and Percy arrive. I want to know -- what were they talking about this whole time before they got here? They had to walk from somewhere -- what what did the three of them talk about?
 
Michael Boothby  44:24
Yeah. That's a very good question.
 
Grace Ball  44:26
I seriously don't know.
 
Michael Boothby  44:27
That's so interesting. If this was a Game of Thrones book, we would just cut back to this long conversation about nothing.
 
Grace Ball  44:35
I feel like Bill and Charlie probably talked a lot, and then Percy had weird, awkward interjections.
 
Christina Kann  44:45
I mean, Bill and Charlie are really nice. They're both really nice. And so I feel like they're probably trying to ask him questions.
 
Michael Boothby  44:51
Yeah, right.
 
Grace Ball  44:52
That's true. They were probably trying to engage him.
 
Michael Boothby  44:58
What's, um -- what's Percy's deal? Is he just like really anxious or he have like a social like disorder or something? I don't know.
 
Christina Kann  45:08
I think that he really is just like kind of a classic Ravenclaw, like an Amy Santiago from Brooklyn 99. We did that bonus episode recently. A Hermione whose fatal flaw is that they're too Hermione. You know what I mean? You're so like perfectionistic and studious that it's the worst thing about you.
 
Michael Boothby  45:32
He's insufferable, which is why I love when he gets roasted by Barty Crouch.
 
Christina Kann  45:42
He really has no business being a Gryffindor. That is a fucking Ravenclaw.
 
Michael Boothby  45:47
Yeah.
 
Michael Boothby  45:48
Yeah, you're right. He's just an overthinker. I don't know. He's not even that brave, really. I mean, he's just kind of doing his job.
 
Christina Kann  46:01
He does brave thing ever, and it's saying sorry for a mistake and coming back, you know?
 
Grace Ball  46:07
Yeah, right.
 
Michael Boothby  46:08
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  46:10
I mean it's brave, but you had to fuck up a lot to get there.
 
Michael Boothby  46:13
Yeah. 100%.
 
Christina Kann  46:16
So Ludo Bagman shows up. He's wearing his old Quidditch robes, which look like a bee. He is boyishly handsome. I've always had a hard time envisioning this character in my head, maybe because they took him out of the movies. I don't have that to fall back on.
 
Michael Boothby  46:41
That's a shame. Maybe that's what happened. Maybe the casting director looked at that and was like, "Fuck this. Who? What does this mean? What does this person look like?"
 
Christina Kann  46:51
I mean, I understand his existence actually doesn't matter to the plotline. He serves as a red herring, pretty much, and there's just not really time for that in the films. But I wonder who y'all would cast in the movie to play Ludo Bagman?
 
Michael Boothby  47:09
I don't even know.
 
Grace Ball  47:12
Oh, no.
 
Michael Boothby  47:13
He's like older but boyish? Like I don't know what that means.
 
Christina Kann  47:16
What about the dad from Modern Family? What's that guy's name?
 
Grace Ball  47:20
His name in Modern Family is Phil.
 
Christina Kann  47:22
Right.
 
Michael Boothby  47:24
Yeah, I could see that. Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  47:26
A little full of himself but like not even remotely threatening.
 
Michael Boothby  47:31
I could see that, no, I could see that.
 
Grace Ball  47:33
I definitely can't think of a better one.
 
Christina Kann  47:37
Who's really un-disarming? He's just like so genial.
 
Grace Ball  47:45
Just like not a care in the world.
 
Christina Kann  47:47
Yeah, doesn't have to be a British person.
 
Michael Boothby  47:50
Actually, he would have been way too old at the time, but honestly Gene Wilder as like a cameo.
 
Christina Kann  47:57
Oh, that's fun!
 
Michael Boothby  47:58
He'd just be really eccentric. I don't know.
 
Christina Kann  48:02
Um, Reddit says -- and I think this is a great point -- Reddit says that if Kenneth Branagh had not already portrayed Lockhart, he probably would have made a good Ludo Bagman. I think that what they're saying is that he's really good at putting on airs and blowing hot air. Airs and air.
 
Grace Ball  48:20
Yeah, I like that.
 
Christina Kann  48:22
Owen Wilson.
 
Grace Ball  48:24
Wow. I mean, I didn't mean to say "wow" like that.
 
Christina Kann  48:31
We also got Paul Rudd.
 
Michael Boothby  48:37
Yeah, I mean, he is 50 and does look very young, in fairness.
 
Christina Kann  48:43
Yeah. Also, Jeff Bridges is the last recommendation on this Reddit thread.
 
Michael Boothby  48:47
I could see that.
 
Grace Ball  48:48
Interesting.
 
Michael Boothby  48:49
I can see that.
 
Grace Ball  48:50
Yeah, I think those are good options. I like Owen Wilson for the part myself.
 
Christina Kann  48:54
I do too. Tell us who you would cast as Ludo Bagman. Shoot us an email at restrictedsectionpod@gmail.com or hit us up on our socials, because we would love to know. I'm sure we will talk about this in our Discord server. As a reminder, you can join our Discord server for supporting us on Patreon for $1 a month. Ludo Bagman is "plainly in a state of wild excitement." Wow, hard same. I can like feel that.
 
Grace Ball  49:32
It really resonates with you, doesn't it?
 
Christina Kann  49:36
Grace, tell me if I'm wrong, if you don't feel this way, but as I was reading this, and all of the ministry employees who are complaining to each other, they're all running at 100 miles per hour, and they're all really stressed. This reminds me the RVA Booklovers' Festival that we throw together.
 
Michael Boothby  50:06
You guys throw a book festival?
 
Christina Kann  50:09
We do, Michael. That was before your time. We do host an annual book festival through our RVA Booklovers.
 
Michael Boothby  50:17
I want to come. Who comes to that?
 
Grace Ball  50:20
Just like all the booklovers.
 
Michael Boothby  50:23
I'm gonna come show my book at it. Can I sponsor it? Can I get a booth?
 
Christina Kann  50:33
You can get a Boothby booth.
 
Grace Ball  50:38
Yeah, but it is similar vibes to that, Christina. Just like complete chaos but we're all so excited.
 
Christina Kann  50:46
Yeah, they're like servers who are super weeded at the dinner hour, but there's that one person who is always crushing, it always gets great tips, never drops anything, never forgets anything, and they're having a great time, and everyone else is like "Hey, fuck you. They just sat me three six stops in a row."
 
Michael Boothby  51:07
Mmm.
 
Grace Ball  51:07
Ugh, flashbacks.
 
Christina Kann  51:08
Yeah, I write these notes ahead of time and then I make myself laugh later. I wrote, "I go limitless when I'm hosting too." Have you guys seen limitless?
 
Grace Ball  51:22
No. Wow. Failing you left and right.
 
Christina Kann  51:25
It's Bradley Cooper--
 
Michael Boothby  51:27
No, I have seen that.
 
Christina Kann  51:28
Yeah, it's basically about cocaine. It's a made-up drug but--
 
Michael Boothby  51:32
I thought it was about Adderall.
 
Christina Kann  51:34
No, it's a made-up drug, but it is just straight up cocaine because you take it and you're like, "Oh, I'm perfect now. I can do everything. I got everything." You see things in slow motion and in four dimensions. So I get it. That's how I go when I'm hosting too. I'm like, "My anxiety is so high that my brain is so crisp and clear right now." Ludo Bagman asks Arthur to bet on the game, and he bets a galleon.
 
Michael Boothby  52:02
How much is a galleon? Is that like, what is that?
 
Michael Boothby  52:05
10 or 20 bucks?
 
Grace Ball  52:08
In season one, Andrew had a whole conversion chart or something?
 
Christina Kann  52:14
Oh my god. I think it is at least $10.
 
Michael Boothby  52:27
Okay. 10, 20 bucks. Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  52:28
Yeah. Okay, the twins offer to bet 37 galleons and some change. And a fake wand.
 
Michael Boothby  52:37
The fake wand!
 
Christina Kann  52:38
The prank wand.
 
Michael Boothby  52:39
I love the prank wand so much.
 
Grace Ball  52:42
That's everything that they have.
 
Christina Kann  52:44
Yeah, it is.
 
Michael Boothby  52:46
They did a true YOLO on this rare outcome of this game. I love this whole part that turns into sports betting. It literally just turns into an ad for like DraftKings.
 
Christina Kann  53:00
They're trying ostensibly to get startup money for their business.
 
Michael Boothby  53:06
Yeah, I respect the hell out of it, man.
 
Christina Kann  53:09
I do too. It's risky, but they probably don't have any other options, especially with their mother acting the way she's been acting, which I don't approve of.
 
Grace Ball  53:17
Yeah, they're like, "We're all in." But not a great dude to go all in with.
 
Christina Kann  53:22
Right. Yeah, I think they just trust him because he's a ministry official. And Arthur Weasley has brought a lot of trustworthy ministry officials into their life before, you know? But Ludo's just not that way.
 
Grace Ball  53:35
And technically, Ludo did come through with the tickets to the World Cup.
 
Michael Boothby  53:41
Right, and they're box tickets too. These aren't in the crowd. This is up in the box, right? He's announcing the whole event, right? He's VIP.
 
Christina Kann  53:54
Andrew hypothesized last episode that Cornelius Fudge made sure -- or even Bagman, just the ministry -- ensured that Arthur Weasley invited Harry to this game as a brag because the other country's ministry officials are also sitting in the box. So it's like a brag you know? We got Harry Potter.
 
Grace Ball  54:14
Yeah.
 
Michael Boothby  54:15
 Right. It's good PR for the ministry.
 
Christina Kann  54:18
Yeah, yeah. So the twins bet that Ireland will win the game but Krum will get the Snitch. Just like pretend you don't know what happens next. Why would anyone make this bet?
 
Michael Boothby  54:30
Because the odds -- that's why, as soon as they made that, Bagman was like, "Oh, those are crazy odds." So they would probably, if they won, would get like 1000 to one odds or something. So just like crazy money.
 
Christina Kann  54:44
That's true.
 
Grace Ball  54:45
There's a lot of betting going on, and I feel like this is a pretty unique bet. You know?
 
Michael Boothby  54:52
It is. Yeah, there's not many people taking that bet. This is the scene that I want to see, is the scene of Fred and George twinning out one night doing their investment research. They're like, "Well, here's the stats on the players, and Krum this and that, here's the score." I feel like they did their homework, you know? They stayed up pretty late, probably. They're comedians, they're jokers. They're pretty smart guys.
 
Christina Kann  55:14
One of them's the math guy and one of them's the ideas guy.
 
Michael Boothby  55:17
Right, so yeah, the idea guy was like, "What if this?" and the math guy's like, "Let me crunch the numbers," and they're like, "Let's do it."
 
Christina Kann  55:23
Fred is the ideas guy and George is the numbers guy. I believe that because typically, if you look closely, Fred is usually a slightly more of a loose cannon and George is usually slightly more level-headed and like... modest... is a weird word to say for the twins. But you know what I mean?
 
Michael Boothby  55:43
I resonate with the twins, being a twin myself, you know?
 
Christina Kann  55:46
Oh yeah! Oh, my God! Grace is a twin too!
 
Michael Boothby  55:50
Yeah, I think we've had a conversation--
 
Grace Ball  55:52
I think we have talked about this before. That's pretty cool.
 
Michael Boothby  55:54
I hope we keep forgetting and every time, we go, "Really?"
 
Grace Ball  55:57
Yes. It's fun every time.
 
Michael Boothby  55:59
So good.
 
Christina Kann  56:00
Grace, you have like a dude twin and you have a gal twin?
 
Michael Boothby  56:05
Yeah, yeah. Opposite sides of fraternal twinship.
 
Christina Kann  56:10
Yeah, it's easy for people to forget that you guys have twins because there's not another person in the world who looks exactly like you.
 
Grace Ball  56:16
That's true.
 
Christina Kann  56:18
Although you look a lot like your sister, Tabitha.
 
Grace Ball  56:21
Yeah. Whenever people hear that there are twins in the family, they assume that I'm twins with my older sister, but joke's on you.
 
Christina Kann  56:29
Poor William.
 
Michael Boothby  56:32
My friends get really upset when they find out my twin sister also doesn't have a mustache. They're like, "We thought you guys were twins. What's this? What's this going on?" I've had to have that conversation so many times over the years, like we're fraternal. People don't know what that means.
 
Grace Ball  56:52
I still remember one of my sixth grade teachers asked if we were identical, and she knew that we were male and female or whatever. So I was like, "Huh, you're an educator. Feels like you should not be asking me that question right now."
 
Michael Boothby  57:08
You should know this. You should know this question.
 
Grace Ball  57:10
Yeah.
 
Michael Boothby  57:11
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  57:12
And you can't say to your teacher, "Yikes, you're an educator. You should know this."
 
Grace Ball  57:15
Yeah. And you know, and I did anyway. No, I'm kidding.
 
Michael Boothby  57:18
I wish! That'd be so badass.
 
Christina Kann  57:20
A Ravenclaw would never. I corrected a teacher once. I was in college, and he was straight-up wrong in my area of expertise. And I really trusted him. I had a big ole brain crush on this professor, you know? When it's like, "You're not that cute, but you're so smart and your interests delight me." And he took it so nicely. He was like, "Thank you so much for correcting me. Oh my god. I would love to read more."
 
Grace Ball  57:43
Oh my God. That's the perfect reaction.
 
Christina Kann  57:46
I know.
 
Michael Boothby  57:46
I love the supportive teacher.
 
Christina Kann  57:50
Um, so the opposite of support is: Arthur Weasley asks Ludo Bagman if he's heard about Bertha Jorkins, who is missing. Ludo Bagman says he has heard "not a dicky bird."
 
Michael Boothby  58:05
Weird phrase, honestly, pretty weird phrase.
 
Christina Kann  58:08
It's British dad talk. Grandpa said this, and it's weird now
 
Michael Boothby  58:13
As an American, hate it.
 
Grace Ball  58:16
Yeah, not a fan.
 
Christina Kann  58:20
Ludo Bagman firmly believes that Bertha Jorkins is stupid and got lost of her own stupidity and will find her way home safe and confused eventually, and that it's not really his problem.
 
Michael Boothby  58:33
Who is this again? Who is this lady?
 
Christina Kann  58:35
Bertha Jorkins is a character who never has any screen time, so to speak, in the books.
 
Michael Boothby  58:41
That's a great name.
 
Christina Kann  58:43
Bertha Jorkins. Yeah, she's my bitch. She gets kidnapped. She goes on vacation and gets kidnapped by Voldemort. And she is the source of information that leads him to develop his entire plan to come back to power. Yeah. They should have looked for her sooner because then maybe they would have been able to get ahead of this in some way. But they don't.
 
Michael Boothby  59:05
I love how the Ministry of Magic, like any government agency, at the end of the day is just so incompetent.
 
Grace Ball  59:13
Yep!
 
Michael Boothby  59:14
It's like so much bureaucracy that nothing gets done.
 
Christina Kann  59:19
Yes. And I think you can see that really exemplified in this chapter, particularly with the difference between Barty Crouch and Ludo Bagman. Obviously these two men are gonna have a hard time working together. Barty Crouch Sr. shows up. He's stiff, upright, uptight dressing--
 
Michael Boothby  59:39
He speaks 250 languages!
 
Christina Kann  59:42
That is-- I just-- Two is really hard. Two languages is really hard.
 
Michael Boothby  59:47
This guy's like brilliant.
 
Christina Kann  59:50
Our American is showing. But also, I don't think that most people speak 250 languages. I think maybe like three is a good number to aspire to.
 
Michael Boothby  59:58
I know someone who speaks seven.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:01
That's pretty strong.
 
Michael Boothby  1:00:02
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:05
Percy offers Barty Crouch a cup of tea. Crouch calls him Weatherby, which is an ongoing joke, and also, I think, a crucial plot point later.
 
Michael Boothby  1:00:15
I love it. "Thanks, Weatherby," and then yeah Fred and George are just like "Time to troll."
 
Grace Ball  1:00:23
It's heartbreaking and satisfying at the same time.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:26
Right. Yes, exactly. There is some discourse about flying carpets.
 
Michael Boothby  1:00:34
That was in my notes. That was my last note I put.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:38
Your last of three notes?
 
Michael Boothby  1:00:40
My last of my three notes was ban on flying carpets.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:44
Right, yes.
 
Michael Boothby  1:00:45
Because even Harry was like, "Wait a minute. What?" Yeah.
 
Grace Ball  1:00:55
Arthur says something about how they're muggle artifacts, carpets are muggle artifacts. But like, what the fuck is a broom, my man?
 
Christina Kann  1:01:12
Maybe with the magical community invented brooms back in the day.
 
Grace Ball  1:01:18
Okay, I see. So it started with them.
 
Christina Kann  1:01:21
That would be ridiculous, if it was invented for magical purposes before house cleaning purposes.
 
Grace Ball  1:01:26
And then muggles were like, "Wait a second!"
 
Christina Kann  1:01:29
Why did I ever think of tying some kind of sex on a bear stack?
 
Michael Boothby  1:01:35
Did they talk about why they banned the carpets? I forget why they were justifying it.
 
Grace Ball  1:01:45
I think it's racism.
 
Michael Boothby  1:01:45
Is it? Or did it become too cliche? People were like, "No, guys, no more carpets. It's too obvious."
 
Grace Ball  1:01:54
Carpets have saturated the market.
 
Christina Kann  1:01:57
I think there's a couple of reasons that you would ban magic carpets. First of all: safety. Is there seatbelts on these are your babies just rolling off the sides?
 
Grace Ball  1:02:08
I guess, but I'm trying to figure out: how is it different than a broom? Like how is it any less safe?
 
Michael Boothby  1:02:13
I have to find the dialogue.
 
Christina Kann  1:02:15
Good point, but I guess maybe like one person rides a broom kind of like a motorcycle?
 
Grace Ball  1:02:20
Right. Where you could put like a family on a carpet.
 
Christina Kann  1:02:23
Yeah, and the baby just rolls off. It could be a misuse of muggle artifacts argument.
 
Michael Boothby  1:02:32
I do love the dialog here. I do love this. "'I've been wanting a word with you too, Arthur,' said Mr. Crouch, his sharp eyes falling upon Mr. Weasley. 'Ali Bashir is on the warpath. He wants a word with you about your embargo on flying carpets.' Mr. Weasley heaved a deep sigh," like "This fucking thing again." I love this so much: "I sent him an owl about that last week." He's like "I sent the email!" "'If I told him once, I was told him 100 times: carpets are defined as a muggle artifact by the Registry of Prescribed Charmable Objects. But will he listen?' 'I doubt it,' said Mr. Crouch, accepting a cup from Percy. 'He's desperate to export here.'" He's like, "This guy's trying to make some money selling these carpets to the good wizards of Great Britain."
 
Christina Kann  1:03:32
It's funny that Ludo Bagman and Barty Crouch are such foils. They're in such juxtaposition to each other. But obviously Arthur Weasley is the happy medium between the two. He gets his job done, he takes it seriously, he's worried about it. But he also is very genial and mild and doesn't want to bother anybody. Ludo Bagman refers to some big secret thing at Hogwarts. We've heard this before. What's the big secret thing? I don't know.
 
Michael Boothby  1:04:02
Is it the Goblet of Fire?
 
Christina Kann  1:04:12
Barty Crouch insists that they need to go speak with the Bulgarians, and he makes Bagman leave with him. The afternoon wears on, people are getting excited for the headliner -- I mean the --
 
Michael Boothby  1:04:26
The main event!
 
Christina Kann  1:04:27
The main event. Salespeople are popping up all around to sell merch. I just love it so much.
 
Michael Boothby  1:04:35
The merch tents pop up, yeah.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:36
Yes! Harry buys some cool fancy omnioculars.
 
Michael Boothby  1:04:42
It's like glasses that just give you a smartphone app overview of the game. It lets you know who the players are. It's like watching the broadcast TV version of the game.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:55
Oh, cool.
 
Grace Ball  1:04:56
Yeah, they are very cool.
 
Michael Boothby  1:05:00
And they were expensive, right? Weren't they like 10 galleons or something? And Harry's like, "Guys, I'm balling." He's like, "My parents are dead, guys. It's on me. You're my friends. I did nothing for this money." Ron's like, "Oh I couldn't," but then Harry's like, "Don't worry, I'm just not buying you a Christmas gift for the next eight years," and Ron's like, "Lol, okay bro." They're so cool about it.
 
Christina Kann  1:05:26
It's wild that Harry's in a position to drop, just on a whim, the same amount of money that Fred and George just bet, which must be their life savings combined.
 
Michael Boothby  1:05:38
Money is not an issue for Harry. Harry's got a trust fund.
 
Christina Kann  1:05:42
This chapter uses the phrase "small fortune." Ron has always been mad that Harry inherited a small fortune and he was stupid rich. But, you know, that's Ron. That's Ron's problem.
 
Michael Boothby  1:05:51
Right. Yeah, it's Ron being insecure, right? Which is fair, but Harry's not showy with his money at all. He really uses it to help himself and help his friends. You know?
 
Christina Kann  1:06:02
Yeah, it's true.
 
Michael Boothby  1:06:04
Like he's a good friend here, right? You're going to the festival and there's like some cool shirt, and your friend's like, "I'm gonna buy you that $50 shirt. Why? Cuz I know you love that band."
 
Grace Ball  1:06:13
Yeah, it's not like he's doing it to brag. He's doing it because he wants them to have this.
 
Michael Boothby  1:06:18
He just wants to enjoy the game with his friends and all the have the app experience.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:24
It's like when you're like, "Let's go out for drinks," and your friend is like, "Oh, I'm trying not to spend money right now." It's like, "Dude, I will buy you a drink. I want to just go get a drink with you. That's so much more valuable than your $6 beer or whatever."
 
Michael Boothby  1:06:36
100%.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:38
Get you best friends who drink $2 beers. Shoutout to Emily. We went out for Emily's birthday dinner, and I was like, "Don't worry, babe. We'll treat," and Sean was like, "We're gonna treat??" and I was like, "Her meal is like $10. That's five beers and one appetizer."
 
Michael Boothby  1:06:54
I can see Sean saying that.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:58
So then a gong sounds off in the woods, and it's time to go!
 
Grace Ball  1:07:03
Yeah!
 
Christina Kann  1:07:05
It's exciting.
 
Michael Boothby  1:07:06
I wanted to play like a sample of a gong sound right there.
 
clip  1:07:10
*gong sound*
 
Christina Kann  1:07:12
So that's that! We're going to the World Cup. The next chapter is going to be exciting in a different way. This chapter had some really good world building in it that I really enjoyed, and even though plot-wise, it's dull, nothing's happening, it is still really a nice tone to set before we go into the World Cup. It's kind of getting our guard down so that when shit hits the fan that night with all the Death Eaters, it catches the reader off guard too.
 
Michael Boothby  1:07:44
It's a really good misdirection. This chapter is like comedic, it's like family sitcom vibes. You know?
 
Christina Kann  1:07:51
And like bureaucratic also.
 
Michael Boothby  1:07:53
Right! It's like also like the Office. There's these bureaucrats finally letting loose at the festival.
 
Grace Ball  1:08:03
Also, you see so much more of the wizarding community at large.
 
Michael Boothby  1:08:09
This is the fourth book. Isn't this the first one where they did like things outside of Hogwarts, before Hogwarts?
 
Christina Kann  1:08:15
Yes.
 
Michael Boothby  1:08:16
So it's also that too. As a reader, it's the first time you're like, "Oh whoa, we're out in the world. What does that look like?"
 
Christina Kann  1:08:23
In Book Three, Harry spends two weeks living in Diagon Alley, so it's like baby steps into the world-building.
 
Michael Boothby  1:08:29
Before the book?
 
Christina Kann  1:08:31
Yeah.
 
Michael Boothby  1:08:31
Really? I don't remember that.
 
Christina Kann  1:08:35
He blows up his aunt and takes the Knight Bus.
 
Michael Boothby  1:08:40
Oh yeah! Right, he does have that.
 
Christina Kann  1:08:42
So we get two weeks of him eating ice cream and studying and shopping, which sounds great.
 
Michael Boothby  1:08:49
Being rich and renting AirBnBs and going out for nice meals and studying. He's living the dream.
 
Grace Ball  1:08:56
Treat yo self.
 
clip  1:08:57
Clothes? Treat yourself. Fragrances? Treat yourself. Massages? Treat yourself. Mimosas? Treat yourself.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:04
Well, any last words about this chapter? Anything we didn't bring up? Mike, did we read all three of your notes?
 
Michael Boothby  1:09:09
No, no, there's one more and we definitely have to go back to it because this is my middle note. I just wrote "page 86: the accidental magic reversal squad." I love that. I was watching Men in Black last night, and it's like the scene where they go to the morgue, and there's the alien bodies and the little alien speaks to the lady. and they flash her, and then there's a whole team coming in to wipe the whole place down. This is the wizarding version of that. I would be on that. If I was a wizard, I'd love that job. You're like, "Where are we going today? What happened? No shit. They did what? All right fuck yeah. Okay." You know, that'd be a pretty fun job. I love the names of all the departments that like go into this chapter. They're almost like these little punch lines, right? And they're all really clever.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:05
The word "accidental" is funny because in our legal system and our government, doing things by accident doesn't really absolve you of anything.
 
Michael Boothby  1:10:16
That's how you get sued, right? I like that there's no lawyers in the wizarding world. Apparently.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:23
We always say that there's only three careers in Hogwarts. It's teacher, government or entrepreneur. And I'm gonna be the wizarding world's first lawyer. That's my job. That's my path.
 
Michael Boothby  1:10:37
No, don't do it. No!
 
Christina Kann  1:10:40
I'd be a great lawyer.
 
Grace Ball  1:10:41
I think if anyone could do it, it would be you.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:43
I'd be a great magical lawyer.
 
Michael Boothby  1:10:45
Imagine the magic small claims court. That'd be another funny Robot Chicken sketch, right?
 
Christina Kann  1:10:54
Or even a show like the Office.
 
Michael Boothby  1:10:57
Right! Hey, hey, Warner Brothers. You want you want a hot comedy based in the Harry Potter universe that no one's expecting? Hire me, Michael Boothby.
 
Christina Kann  1:11:09
That would be amazing.
 
Michael Boothby  1:11:11
I would write the shit out of that.
 
Christina Kann  1:11:15
Grace, any last words about the chapter?
 
Grace Ball  1:11:17
Wow. Um, no, I think we did a great job. Good job, everybody.
 
Christina Kann  1:11:21
Yeah, I think so too. This was a very fun episode, and it's time to move on to our plugs. I would love to start by plugging our Patreon! This month's bonus episode will sort Brooklyn 99 characters into Hogwarts houses. That's a lot of fun. That's our $5 a month tier. But honestly, for as little as $1 a month, you can join us on our Discord server, where me, Grace, and Michael hang out with the rest of our really awesome community. So it's a great place to be. Come join us! Linked in the show notes. Um, Grace?
 
Grace Ball  1:11:58
Yes.
 
Christina Kann  1:11:58
Do you want people to find you on the internet?
 
Grace Ball  1:12:00
No. It's mostly because I'm boring. I don't do anything.
 
Christina Kann  1:12:06
Find her on the Discord.
 
Grace Ball  1:12:07
Yeah, I'm on the Discord! Head over there, folks.
 
Christina Kann  1:12:11
What do you have that you've been reading, watching, playing, listening to, etc. lately that you have to recommend?
 
Grace Ball  1:12:18
I have kind of been watching a show sporadically, and I just finished it last night. It's called Maniac. I don't know if you guys have seen it. It's been out for a couple years.
 
Christina Kann  1:12:28
Yeah! With Jonah, uh--
 
Grace Ball  1:12:31
Jonah Hill and Emma Stone.
 
Christina Kann  1:12:33
Yes, I did watch that.
 
Grace Ball  1:12:36
You did watch it?
 
Christina Kann  1:12:37
Yeah.
 
Grace Ball  1:12:38
Oh, cool. Okay, nice. But basically, for anyone who hasn't seen it, the story jumps between Emma's and Jonah's characters while they're participating in a pharmaceutical trial, and basically, the intention of the trial is to find a way to replace talk therapy. During a lot of it, the two characters are put into a dream state to get to, you know, their deeper issues or whatever. So they keep popping up in each other's dreams, which is really interesting. But because a lot of the show is made up of their dreams, there's a lot of genre hopping happening, which is cool! Yeah, it's definitely got some weird parts, some stuff that's really far out there, but overall, I finished it, I thought it was really well done, and I recommend giving it a watch.
 
Christina Kann  1:13:30
Yeah, I support this plug. Michael, where can people find you on the internet?
 
Michael Boothby  1:13:36
Sweet! Yeah, guys, I'm on Facebook, unfortunately, still. You could find me there. You can find me on Instagram @itsmichaelboothby -- or is it? Send me a follow request and you'll find out. Beyond that, I have a SoundCloud as well. I've got some music online. Unfortunately I had to stop recording because I got a noise violation here in my sister's apartment, but I'm moving to a condo soon, and we'll be producing and recording more music. So if you want to check that out, check that out. I'm also on the Discord as well, so definitely join that amazing community. You know, I pop in there a few times a day and just see see what's going on. Sometimes I just read it but sometimes I like to chime in as well. I like to lurk. I'm a big big lurker.
 
Christina Kann  1:14:29
So what have you been reading, watching, listening to, playing, etc. lately that you think that the listeners of our podcast would enjoy?
 
Michael Boothby  1:14:40
I don't think this series even needs any more endorsement than it's already getting. But I've been watching the Squid Game on Netflix. It's amazing. I mean, I was watching the nightly news earlier today for the first time in forever, and even at the very end, they did a whole thing interviewing Netflix. They were like, "This might be the biggest show we've ever had. It's been like tremendously successful." I've had a blast watching it too. At the very first episode, I didn't know that it was dubbed, so the whole time, I was like, "It's not matching up. Why is it not matching up? What's going on here?" And then I realized after, oh it's dubbed. That's become  a big thing of contention online. People have been like, "Oh, the dubs are so bad. Watching with subtitles is bad too!" Just fucking watch it. Whichever one. Honestly, the dubs are not bad. I watched it with the dubs. I started that way. Six episodes in, I'm like, "Maybe I should be a purist and watch it in Korean with subtitles," and then I did it for five minutes and was like, "No, I want to go back to the voices. I want the experience of watching it."
 
Christina Kann  1:15:46
My problem is that I can't just like sit and be still and watch TV. I have to be able to look away from the TV for a couple seconds.
 
Michael Boothby  1:15:56
That's how I felt too, because I like to move around during -- especially if I'm bingeing, you know, I like to work out a little bit or my body some. If I'm watching four one-hour episodes, you know, gotta move. Gotta move. So, yeah, Squid Game's been dope. Games. If any you guys played video games, I highly recommend The Forest on PlayStation 4 or 5? I mean, I think it's probably another shit too. But it's a fun survival game. You crash in the forest, there's some cannibals. I played it with my best childhood friend who still lives in Orlando, and we've been catching up through video games recently. We've been playing that game. I had this moment where I'm just like chopping wood in the game. Just cutting down trees. I'm doing like all the things that I couldn't do, like building a tent, in this virtual world, but like, it's very zen. While just talking to my best friend about like, whatever. But also role playing a little bit. You know? It's fun.
 
Christina Kann  1:17:01
Oh, I love that.
 
Michael Boothby  1:17:02
Check it out. Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  1:17:03
Hell yeah. Well, thank you for that. I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on twitter @christina_kann and you can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. Recently, I've been watching Only Murders in the Building, which has been plugged on this podcast before. It's really excellent. I've also been listening to 5-4 Podcast, which is about the Supreme Court, which Andrew plugged on this podcast, and that's really excellent also. What I would love to plug today is The Nature of Witches by Rachel Griffin. It's a really lovely YA romance about nature magic. It's really nice. It's got some thoughtful commentary about climate change, and a pretty good love story. And it's about like, witchy shit. So it's good to read for the Halloween season. So that's The Nature of Witches by Rachel Griffin. Well, Michael, thank you so much for joining us.
 
Michael Boothby  1:18:07
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I would love to do this again. Honestly, reading that chapter earlier was such a joy. It was so amazing. And it's cool to be able to talk to people about Harry Potter, right? Because it's kind of an old thing. But it still has such a special place in my heart. But I'd love to come back.
 
Christina Kann  1:18:29
Absolutely. Yeah, we'd love to have you back. And you can also hear Michael every Sunday on the Movie Night Crew! All right, gang. I gotta go finish reading The International Language of Gambling before this book tries to collect its debts. Bye!
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  1:18:52
The Restricted Section is a member of the Movie Night Crew Network, which features other amazing podcasts such as its namesake, the Movie Night Crew, which is an extra chaotic podcast featuring the gang just shooting the shit about whatever movie they just watched.
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  1:20:02
The Restricted Section was created by me, Christina Kann, based on the book series by JK Rowling. All music by Ryan Kann. Logo by Michael Hardison. Support us on patreon.com/therestrictedsection. For as little as $1 a month, you can gain access to our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be. And there are other rewards as well, such as bonus episodes and Zoom happy hour hangouts. Be sure to follow us on Instagram @restrictedsectionpod, on Twitter @restrictedpod, and on Facebook @restrictedsectionpod. Also feel free to shoot us an email at restrictedsectionpod@gmail.com to share your thoughts, feelings, complaints, conspiracy theories, or even lavish praise.
 
Christina Kann  1:20:48
There are certain people who can be trusted with the notes, and certain people who can't, and Grace is the kind of person who can be trusted.

Christina Kann (voiceover)  00:02
"With difficulty owing to their bulky backpacks, the nine of them crowded around the old boot held out by Amos Diggory. They all stood there in a tight circle as a chill breeze swept over the hilltop. Nobody spoke. It suddenly occurred to Harry how odd this would look if a Muggle were to walk up here now -- nine people, two of them grown men, clutching this manky old boot in the semi-darkness, waiting."
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  00:47
What's up Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, the show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way that the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thank you for being here. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today.
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  01:07
Chapter Six: The Portkey. Honestly, this whole chapter is summed up by the title. They find, use, and discard the portkey in this one, gang. We're really just learning: what is a portkey? Maybe that will come up again in a moment of crisis. I'm not sure. We get to meet Amos and Cedric Diggory along the way! "Extremely handsome Cedric," that's a direct quote. And now we're all at the Quidditch World Cup.
 
Christina Kann  01:40
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where old and moldy boots are very valuable. I am delighted to be joined by my dear friend today, Andrew! Say hello to the listeners, Andrew.
 
Andrew  01:54
Hello, listeners. I'm a little concerned that I'm your friend today. I thought I was your friend most days.
 
Christina Kann  02:01
Wow, that's a good point. Clarity of language.
 
Andrew  02:05
It hurts, okay?
 
Christina Kann  02:06
You got to put commas in places to make it clear what words are grouped together. And I am so excited that our special guest today is friend of the pod Anna! Say hello to the listeners, Anna.
 
Anna  02:18
Hello!
 
Christina Kann  02:19
Hey, every time I say hello to the listeners, I hear Leila in the back of my head because she one time she sang, "Hello to the listeners, Lelia." But she sings that a lot better than me. But anyway, that's what my head does when I say "Say hello to the listeners." Anna, we're so glad you're here. Why don't you start by telling us a little bit about your Harry Potter history. When, how did you get into it?
 
Anna  02:44
The first memory I have is listening to the audiobook in third grade of Prisoner of Azkaban.
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  02:51
Oh, would you look at the time? What time is it? It's correction o'clock. All right, Anna didn't even listen to this audio book in third grade, it was fifth grade. Okay, don't get it twisted. Don't go telling people Anna listened to this in third grade, because it's not true, snd you're gonna look like a damn fool.
 
Anna  03:09
I'm sure I read the first two before that. But that's the first memory I have of it. And I wasn't cool enough to go to any midnight book releases. So I didn't actually finish the series until probably 10 years ago. I picked it back up and read the whole thing. I'd seen the movies. And yeah, so I started back up about 10 years ago. And then I read it every year, at least once, if not twice, usually in fall/winter.
 
Christina Kann  03:45
Yes. I tend to read this series -- obviously not anymore because we're reading it very slowly over the course of like 10 years -- but I usually read Harry Potter once every two to three years, and I always start reading it around like October/November, right as I'm starting to spiral into that winter depression. It's like, "Quickly, quickly, something!"
 
Anna  04:05
Bring the joy, bring the joy!
 
Christina Kann  04:07
Yes. Awesome. Well, what Hogwarts house are you?
 
Anna  04:12
I like to call myself a Ravenpuff.
 
Christina Kann  04:16
I love Raymond.
 
Anna  04:18
Me too. Every time I take the test, depending on the day or month or whatever, I get either one. It's about 50/50. So I like to claim both.
 
Christina Kann  04:31
Wow, I love that. Yeah, we're here today to talk about Goblet of Fire chapter six, the Portkey. That's what happens in this chapter.
 
Andrew  04:42
It is a very descriptive title.
 
Christina Kann  04:45
Yeah, and we're done! That's it. Thanks for joining me today, gang.
 
Anna  04:52
Kay bye!
 
Christina Kann  04:52
Okay, so we wake up. It's the World Cup. Let's go. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Why does Ron get to bring two friends to the World Cup and no one else gets to bring anybody?
 
Anna  05:05
Yeah, that's the question. I'm sure it's because their tickets are free, and Harry basically lives there, and it seems like Hermione basically lives there every summer to so works out.
 
Andrew  05:16
I always thought that it was not by accident that they ended up there. I always figured that Fudge wanted Potter in that box. He wanted him in the press box to show him off. Like, "That's right. We got Harry Potter on top of everything else here." You know, he's like the trophy.
 
Christina Kann  05:36
That tracks. Here's my question. Why bring Hermione? Who doesn't give even one single shit?
 
Andrew  05:46
If you're going to try and fandangle your way to get Harry to show up, you don't want him to be suspicious, right?
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  05:53
Did you know it's actually against the law for any podcast editor to permit one of their episodes to say "don't be suspicious" without including the following audio clip?
 
clip  06:06
*Don't be suspicious clip*
 
Andrew  06:10
You don't want it to be obvious that you're just bringing Harry Potter to bring Harry Potter so you're like, "Yeah, bring your whole family! By the way, doesn't your son like the two people? like he has two friends? Not just one, two friends? Why doesn't he bring both of those friends?"
 
Anna  06:24
Bring the spare.
 
Christina Kann  06:26
One of them's muggle born, how good for like muggle relations!
 
Andrew  06:30
Right? It's a perfect picture.
 
Christina Kann  06:34
Here's who I would have brought. I think obviously Harry gets to come. He's an orphan. He's never had a single joy in his life. Bring Harry. Bring Lee Jordan, because then two of your kids get to have their best friend there -- like two additional kids. And Lee Jordan loves Quidditch.
 
Andrew  06:52
Maybe the Weasleys know their children very well. And they also know what's going to go on in the future. Ron was actually -- his friend was Hermione. He doesn't know, but his friend was Hermione, and Ginny's friend was Harry, okay? Molly knows her kids, okay? This woman knows her children. Dhe knew already how the world was going to work out. Your plan actually did happen, Christina. What I'm telling you is, that did happen. It just doesn't look as obvious.
 
Christina Kann  07:20
You know that the second Ron Weasley brought her Miami Granger into the Weasley household, Molly and Arthur were like, "We have to make this happen. This is his only hope."
 
Andrew  07:33
This is the only chance he has! Please God let her find him endearing.
 
Christina Kann  07:40
Get ready for the longest slow burn of your life, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. Okay, so everyone wakes up at the ass-crack of dawn except for Percy, Charlie, and Bill. They get to Apparate later, and we get a nice little rundown like, what is Apparation? We've never really addressed it before but I get the feeling that's gonna come up in this book.
 
Andrew  08:01
My copy -- I have the big illustrated one -- Apparate is capitalized every time.
 
Christina Kann  08:07
It is in every edition.
 
Andrew  08:09
Really? I have never noticed that before.
 
Christina Kann  08:12
I'm pretty sure. What about you Anna?
 
Anna  08:13
I think so. I'm looking -- Yep, Apparating is capitalized.
 
Christina Kann  08:18
That bitch loves to capitalize some words. She will capitalize anything.
 
Anna  08:24
It's true.
 
Christina Kann  08:25
I'm trying to make a "she'll capitalize on blank blank blank" joke but I can't really pull it together.
 
Anna  08:30
Well she's continuing to capitalize on this series, so.
 
Christina Kann  08:34
That's true. I can't emphasize this enough: buy her books secondhand.
 
Andrew  08:39
Or pirate it!
 
Christina Kann  08:40
We don't -- wink -- condone -- wink -- pirating -- wink -- unless -- wink -- you're on -- wink -- a boat! In last week's episode, we were wondering if Bill Weasley was a straight-up pirate because he was like, "Gringotts doesn't care what I do as long as I bring home all the treasure," and he has one earring and dragon leather boots. That's pirate shit.
 
Anna  09:05
For sure.
 
Christina Kann  09:05
And the alternative is that he's just stealing treasure for Britain, which I don't like that.
 
Anna  09:11
I feel like that's kind of what's happening because he he lives in Egypt, he goes in the tombs, he gets the treasure from the dead wizards out of the tombs. I mean, sounds like it.
 
Christina Kann  09:24
He could have, I guess, specialized in wizard banking because he works for Gringotts, but I like to think that he specialized in wizard anthropology and history. So maybe he's helping with the treasure?
 
Anna  09:37
Yeah, and like charms and stuff.
 
Christina Kann  09:40
Oh, yeah, he's a charm breaker too. Oh, he's just so -- "there's no other word for it -- cool." So we're talking about Apparation. Harry starts asking questions, so we have to learn what splinching is. Thanks, Harry.
 
Andrew  09:55
Everyone else, when you first read this as a child, thought of it as something comical, right?
 
Christina Kann  10:01
Well he says in the paragraph, he's like "A leg in an eyeball sitting on the ground."
 
Andrew  10:06
Right, but it's not a gory leg and eyeball. I thought of like a cartoonish, like a well-rounded leg that has no gore.
 
Christina Kann  10:15
Like a prop.
 
Andrew  10:16
Yeah, it doesn't even look like it was ever attached to anyone. It's just a perfectly rounded hip into leg.
 
Christina Kann  10:23
A Barbie like pulled out of its socket.
 
Andrew  10:25
Yes. Exactly.
 
Christina Kann  10:28
I mean, first they have to like do this to you. They have to give it to you in a comical way because it's the first time you're even hearing of it. And then it escalates. Oh, it escalates. That's one of like the hardest things for me to read in this whole series, when Ron gets splinched in the last book.
 
Andrew  10:47
Wait, what?
 
Anna  10:50
All spoilers all the time!
 
Christina Kann  10:52
He gets splinched, and like, it's bad. The amount of splinched that he gets in the movies is less.
 
Andrew  11:00
On the scale of one to splinch, he is a solid splinch.
 
Christina Kann  11:08
Mr. Weasley is just so happy to explain anything. He's probably like, "Harry, this is super boring, but I would love to ask you about plugs. The electrical kind."
 
Andrew  11:19
You know, my favorites.
 
Christina Kann  11:22
Mrs. Weasley interrupts in the middle of a sentence because she catches a glimpse of something in George's pocket. I guess I got yelled at as a kid or something because I had a visceral response to this. When George gets snapped at, I was like, "Oh shit, it was me. Oh my god, I'm in trouble. She found it." It's like that split second of like, "Do I lie? Is there any way out?"
 
Andrew  11:49
Is there any way I could possibly lie? Let's be honest. If you're a certain age, like a certain level of teenager, at least in my case, it wasn't "Will I lie?" It's "Is there any way I could feasibly get away with a lie?" Like is there any possibility whatsoever that a lie could work? And if there is, I'm probably going to try and lie.
 
Christina Kann  12:10
Also if there's no chance, I probably was still gonna lie. I lied a LOT as a kid. I was a master liar. I lied constantly.
 
Andrew  12:18
And now I only lie to myself about how happy I am.
 
Christina Kann  12:24
Now I have gone way too far in the other direction. I should try being a little less honest sometimes. Yeah, so they have their little candies, their Weasleys -- pause -- Wizarding -- pause -- Wheezes. Wait, shit. Is there an -ing on that word? Wait. I thought it was "Wizard Wheezes" but my notes say "wizarding," so now I have to check everything. Okay, my book says "Weasleys Wizard Wheezes," so good for me.
 
Anna  13:03
Killin' it.
 
Christina Kann  13:05
I just took the picture of the chapter title where I spelled out "Weasleys Wizard Wheezes" for the Instagram today cuz whoa, spoiler alert: we recorded this exactly one week ago. And I was worried that I had spelled it wrong, but I didn't. Everything's fine. Hey, don't even worry about it. Everything's fine.
 
Andrew  13:23
We're all good. Everything's okay. Why are we all panicking? You're the only one panicking. No!
 
Christina Kann  13:29
Well, Mrs. Weasley and the twins, I think, are panicking also, at each other. Molly is accio-ing all of the treats out of the hiding spots on their clothes, like some pretty elaborate hiding spots.
 
Andrew  13:43
Yeah.
 
Anna  13:44
Yeah, they had to like sewed into their jackets.
 
Andrew  13:47
Here's the thing that does disappoint me -- and I don't know whether I'm disappointed or if this is just proof of how awesome Molly Weasley is. But if anyone is going to fully evade getting their entire stash caught, it's the Weasley twins, right?
 
Christina Kann  14:03
Mm hmm.
 
Andrew  14:05
I'll be honest, I might be showing the fact that I haven't read this book in quite a while, but I don't remember them having any when they get to the World Cup.
 
Christina Kann  14:13
Presumably, with all the information we have, no, they don't get any of their candies there.
 
Andrew  14:20
I'm honestly surprised. Is that just how good Molly Weasley is? Or did the did the twins misstep here?
 
Christina Kann  14:28
I think Molly is that good. And I think probably her accio spell is incredibly good. "Give me that! How did you get that? Hand that to me right now! Stop fighting over this toy. Give it to me." You know, slash, "Wow, that the garden is really far away and I really only need like one basil leaf. So I'm just gonna go ahead and accio that!"
 
Andrew  14:51
I would be the laziest wizard ever. Ever.
 
Christina Kann  14:54
I know.
 
Andrew  14:56
I would use technology and then use magic to bridge the gap of laziness that technology still requires you to overcome. Walking the fridge, if your phone is across the room, no, I'm not standing up. What? No! I'm a wizard, and I was muggle born. I am sitting down the rest of my life, thank you very much. I have earned that. I have studied the two worlds. I know the way to combine them. This is my future. I embrace it. I am Wall-E.
 
Christina Kann  15:31
I was exactly about to say that. Well, good for you, Andrew.
 
Andrew  15:36
That would be my goal: to float around on my throne and enjoy life to the fullest.
 
Christina Kann  15:43
I hope you get to achieve that someday. I hope you win the lottery.
 
Andrew  15:48
Tonight. Yay.
 
Christina Kann  15:50
Yeah, well, this time next week, we'll know. Wow, Andrew, what if you're rich by the time this comes out?
 
Andrew  15:55
Oh, you wouldn't know. I'd be the only one to know for a while.
 
Christina Kann  15:58
Please pay off my house. You can hang out here anytime you want to. So Molly Weasley, mad as hell, throws away all of their candy. I do think that is very rude. And I hope she goes back into the trashcan afterwards and puts them in like a little jar for them later. I don't think it is okay at all to completely destroy your child's creative products. You know?
 
Andrew  16:26
I think those are kind of a health and safety hazard. I think the bigger problem is don't just throw them away; if you're going to dispose of them, incinerate them. If something accidentally eats one of those things, it's dead.
 
Christina Kann  16:40
What I would probably do is take them and try to figure out exactly what they were and see if I could help make them safer at all. I think just telling your kids, "Fuck you. You don't get to do this thing that's your dream, you're pursuing. We're not talking about it. Just straight-up, fuck you." I think that is a bad parenting move. You know?
 
Andrew  17:05
I've gotten to the point where I try not to judge parents. I just don't know. I don't know, and on top of that, I'm to the point now that I'm pretty much decided I don't think I'm ever gonna have kids, so like--
 
Christina Kann  17:17
I'm kind of like the opposite of you, where this is how I would act and maybe that makes me a bad parent. So thank God I'm not gonna have kids. I think I would be -- I was gonna say "a hardass" but I guess not as much of a hard ass as Malia easily.
 
Anna  17:34
Molly is super excited about grades; that's her thing. She wants them to have good grades so they can get a good job, but I don't think she's quite computing that all they really want to do is own a shop and do their own stuff. And so I think that's hard for her to come to terms with.
 
Christina Kann  17:52
Yeah, and Bill and Percy set a really high bar. We've don't really know about Charlie's grades. Any thoughts about what kind of grades Charlie probably got in school?
 
Anna  18:06
He probably did. Well, I mean, at least in Care of Magical Creatures, for sure.
 
Christina Kann  18:10
True.
 
Andrew  18:11
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  18:12
He actually got a good care of magical creatures education with what's-their-face -- the last teacher who was there before.
 
Andrew  18:21
Grubby-Plank?
 
Christina Kann  18:23
I think it's Grubbly-Plank. Yeah, I feel like he probably got like, not excellent grades but nothing for a parent to fuss at, you know?
 
Andrew  18:32
He probably was able to get away with it too, because Percy would have been killing it from a young age in the grades department. So he just got that middle child syndrome, where he just--
 
Christina Kann  18:40
Yeah, they're like, "Two out of our three kids are doing pretty well. Let's not worry about the middle one. Don't worry."
 
Andrew  18:45
Wasn't he the Quidditch captain though? So he still had his own accomplishments.
 
Christina Kann  18:50
Was Charlie captain?
 
Andrew  18:51
I believe so.
 
Anna  18:53
Yeah, I think so.
 
Christina Kann  18:55
I believe you! Yeah, you're right. I believed you but I still -- I don't want to give the listeners false information. This is my job, okay?
 
Andrew  19:05
You do realize you just cursed us, and at some point in this episode, we are going to give false information. It might have already happened!
 
Christina Kann  19:12
Oh god! I told you, I got over the lying thing! So they all set out into the dark early morning. I can like almost feel this scene, walking through the white grass before the sun comes out.
 
Andrew  19:30
It's quite possibly one of my favorite times of year, when you still get the fog in the morning and the dew, but it's still cold and crisp. It hasn't frozen over the fog or the dew yet, but it's still like right on that edge. Gosh.
 
Christina Kann  19:49
It kind of gives me like traumatic flashbacks also to going to high school at like six o'clock in the morning or whatever. It's either super exciting or like "aw, fuck, school."
 
Andrew  20:02
So I didn't realize how much of Harry Potter was trauma linked to you.
 
Christina Kann  20:06
Wow hmm interesting. Well, I guess if you spend like 25% of your life indulging in one specific media series, then probably a lot of trauma gets linked to it. And a lot of joy. That fun trauma. Man, this whole chapter is like kind of an info dump. Harry's like, "How does everyone even get to the World Cup?" So Arthur's just cheerfully explaining portkeys and he's like, "It's a logistical nightmare."
 
Andrew  20:39
Are you telling me that the international Quidditch community can't get together and just create a permanent place for the Quidditch World Cup? Like I understand it's supposed to be analogous to the regular World Cup, but the difference is that you don't have to hide the regular World Cup from everyone. You don't have to hide the Olympics. In fact, you do quite the opposite. So if you're going to do that, it only makes sense to have -- off in the middle of like the sea, an artificial island that only--
 
Christina Kann  21:13
Like Azkaban but for Quidditch!
 
Andrew  21:15
Exactly! Quidditch-kaban!
 
Christina Kann  21:18
That would be so cool. It's in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle. Oh my god.
 
Anna  21:23
That's perfect. No one goes there.
 
Andrew  21:26
That's why it's the Bermuda Triangle.
 
Christina Kann  21:29
Andrew, the last time you're on an episode, we also talked about the Bermuda Triangle. We talked about Bermuda specifically, actually, not the triangle. So they're climbing this big ass hill. It's called Stoatshead Hill. STOAT. Okay, this is the first time in my life that I've read this series knowing what a stoat is. As a reminder, it's like a weasel, basically, and Hagrid eats them. So they all spread out looking for this portkey, but they don't even know what it is because a portkey's always a piece of garbage or something nobody wants to touch.
 
Anna  22:26
Yeah, here's my question. They say they do that so that muggles won't pick it up. But what about people that pick up litter? I pick up litter when I see it in the park?
 
Christina Kann  22:36
Yeah, I do too.
 
Anna  22:36
What if I'm accidentally portkeyed?
 
Christina Kann  22:39
This is from a shittier time and shittier place, I think. It's like the country of Britain. And it was the mid to late 90s.
 
Andrew  22:53
The British countryside in '94. '95?
 
Christina Kann  22:56
I'm trying to remember if Mike in the last episode said exactly what year it is because he tends to know for his elaborate pop culture references, you know? But I don't know. Yeah, I mean, I think I would actually get swept away by a portkey. Slash I think I would also desperately not be able to find a portkey I was looking for.
 
Andrew  23:16
Well, and that's the real sad truth is that in this day and age like portkeys could not work this way because people would be just picking up everything. Just walking along, there's nothing but trash. What could it be? Is it the cigarette carton? Is it the empty Monster Energy drink that is just like sitting --? What could it be? It's literally impossible to tell.
 
Christina Kann  23:39
Yeah, I think that it's like not unreasonable that Arthur should have been able to find out what this portkey looks like ahead of time. The ministry put it here, right?
 
Andrew  23:51
If you're going to the effort to put 200 across Great Britain, couldn't you also like keep track of what each one is? Or is a third column on the spreadsheet just too much?
 
Christina Kann  24:04
Or a map. Just imagine a little map of Britain with little stamps of the little items. That would be adorable and user friendly, easy to read.
 
Anna  24:15
And what if you miss your portkey? Do you take the Knight Bus? What do you do? And why is the Knight Bus not a possible option?
 
Christina Kann  24:22
Ooh, it probably is. But honestly, the Weasleys probably don't fuck with the Knight Bus. That seems like a bit of more of a desperate situation. I would probably end up taking the Knight Bus. "You know, there's a bus for only $20 from here to the Quidditch World Cup?"
 
Anna  24:38
Yeah, why would you take muggle transportation if you can take the Knight Bus?
 
Andrew  24:42
Why would you touch an old boot if you could just take the Knight Bus?
 
Anna  24:47
It probably smells.
 
Christina Kann  24:49
Well, so does the bus.
 
Anna  24:53
Touche.
 
Christina Kann  24:56
I just think there's just a lot of alternatives that could have happened here. I think Arthur, if they had missed the portkey, I think he probably would have just called somebody to come make a new one -- or he might even be able to make one himself. It's a simple spell that Dumbledore does eventually.
 
Andrew  25:15
It's literally "portus." Wow, clever.
 
Anna  25:23
Then Mad-Eye Moody says something about it's not worth their life creating one unauthorized, so I feel there's a big plot hole where Dumbledore can do it willy nilly, but somebody else goes to try and do it, and there's a notification in the ministry.
 
Christina Kann  25:39
Dumbledore, though. He can apparate all willy nilly. He can do a lot of things all willy nilly. He needs to put his willy away, honestly.
 
Anna  25:50
No one needs to see that.
 
Christina Kann  25:53
No one needs to see that. They don't find the portkey. There's a shout, though, from someone who has found it. It's Amos Diggory!
 
Andrew  26:04
How big is this hilltop?
 
Christina Kann  26:07
Dude, it's like a British moor. It could be like a really big hill.
 
Andrew  26:11
It's more like a plateau. Cuz it says that they don't see them, and Amos calls from across the hill. I don't know.
 
Christina Kann  26:20
Maybe there's a lot of trees, but then that would be like an extra hard for the portkey situation.
 
Andrew  26:25
Yeah! "By the way, good luck looking through the woods, nerd. Go get your moldy boot out of the woods." Everything about this is starting to sound insulting. "We're gonna make you get up real early. You gotta climb a fucking hill."
 
Christina Kann  26:49
Well, the Lovegoods have been there for two weeks already or whatever because they had the shitty tickets.
 
Anna  26:54
Yeah.
 
Andrew  26:56
I know anything about Luna Lovegood, she digs camping. I don't know why, but that just screams Luna Lovegood to me.
 
Christina Kann  27:04
Yeah that's the thing with chapters like this. Upon reading this, there's kind of nothing going on. But there's always something going on. There's always shit to pick apart. This portkey business makes absolutely no sense.
 
Andrew  27:18
Once again, it's one of the things that the illustrious author of this series chose to do many times. It's like they had an idea of how many things they wanted to put in the book, like how many references, and then they just dumped in as much as possible. We'll get these chapters where it's like books worth of future shit that's all just jammed into one chapter.
 
Christina Kann  27:39
It's poor writing. I know we say this all the time, but when I read this book, I usually barrel through it, so I don't clock these short, inconsequential chapters because they all blur together in this nice little montage of recap and worldbuilding and Molly Weasley's cooking. But reading it chapter by chapter, this is just buildup. This is just walking up a hill.
 
Andrew  28:09
It's kind of funny because I've had the same effect with reading them slowly and like over the course of years as opposed to days.
 
Christina Kann  28:18
It's been years!
 
Andrew  28:20
It really does kind of point out is how good the first few movies were especially, because the first few movies have this episodic feel of these times, right? And when you read the books, especially this one, it's like summer, fall, winter, resolution, right? That's the way that a lot of these books in the series go is that you have the summer shit, then you have the fall is where the problem is introduced, then you have the winter, where everything goes mad and they have a little time by themselves, and then you get to the resolution at the end in the spring.
 
Christina Kann  28:56
Yeah, actually this setup kind of fucked me up. I expect the same from other series. Like I recently read the Percy Jackson series, and I was like, "Okay well a lot of this takes place at Camp Half-blood, so I guess every book starts in the summertime, at Camp Half-blood and then goes through the school year, and then we start the next book at the next summer at Camp Half-blood." Not at all. This book takes three weeks; this book takes six months; and then in the next book, you're four years older. That's dramatic, but it's more whiplash going around to these different books than I've come to expect from reading Harry Potter.
 
Andrew  29:36
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  29:37
So Amos Diggory has a moldy old boot on each foot, and then he's also holding one. Also there'd Cedric, "extremely handsome," which as a reminder, the narrator definitely is like, pretty much Harry. So...
 
Anna  29:57
Harry's like, "Hey, he's hot. Way hotter than Malfoy."
 
Christina Kann  30:01
I think that makes sense, because the way that he's like, "Dude, honestly there's no other way to describe Bill. He's cool. He's a cool dude. I'm 14. This guy is cool." I feel like Harry looks to Cedric and he's like, "I got nothing. You're extremely handsome."
 
Andrew  30:18
Cedric is the ultimate good boy, and that's what Harry wants to be is, is an ultimate level. Good boy. He's like, "You look very handsome and look very attractive to everyone. Clearly everyone would be into you."
 
Christina Kann  30:32
Man, I just haven't found my perfect Cedric. Obviously Robert Pattinson no longer does it for me because it's just not right. The Cedric from Puffs was very good. If you haven't seen that, Anna, I definitely recommend it. But he wasn't this suave, extremely handsome -- he's a bit gawky and kind of Puffy. You know? This Cedric in the books is just like stoic, chiseled, you know? Kind of Kocoum. Catch me bringing up Kocoum at every turn because I married him basically. *singing* Steady as the beating drum. *end singing* So Arthur introduces everyone and we get the classic, "Harry? Harry Potter?" And he's like, Yeah, no, it's me.
 
Andrew  31:25
By Merlin's Beard!
 
Christina Kann  31:28
Something that is hard when you're writing a secondary world fantasy or a fantasy like this, where it's a whole subculture that's pretty out of touch with our culture is writing language, writing slang, including profanities and stuff like swearing. And so I really like the way that they do swearing in these books. There's the stuff that the dads say, like "Merlin's beard" is a dad/grandpa thing to say.
 
Andrew  31:57
They like made their own -- and I only learned this word the other day, so I might be using it wrong -- neo-logo-ism.
 
Christina Kann  32:05
I think it's neologism.
 
Andrew  32:17
Neologism. Yeah. Which is a cool word I only learned recently. They did a really good job of creating that, right?
 
Christina Kann  32:26
"A newly coined word or expression."
 
Andrew  32:29
Yeah, so it's anything that's brand new slang that isn't established slang yet to like Coke instead of Coca Cola. Right?
 
Christina Kann  32:40
I see. Yes. By Merlin's beard. I was like, "What the fuck were we talking about? How did we get here?" By Merlin's beard! Amos Diggory is bragging about how Cedric beat Harry at Quidditch the year before. I love Amos Diggory. I love a ride or die. He's obviously a Hufflepuff too, because he's loyal as hell. But yeah, you don't like brag to a bunch of kids about how they lost.
 
Anna  33:06
Especially cuz it wasn't even Harry's fault. He almost died.
 
Andrew  33:12
And the way that he words it too. "If one can hold on to their broom and the other one can't." Okay, that is a vast oversimplification of the situation at hand.
 
Christina Kann  33:23
Yeah.
 
Anna  33:24
it kind of gave me alumni dad vibes where he's like, "Yeah, my kid's on the football team. And this is what you're gonna remember forever, because it's what I remember forever because I peaked in high school."
 
Christina Kann  33:35
Oooh! Got him. You're absolutely right.
 
Anna  33:43
Amos is kind of a douche and I don't feel he's very Puff. I mean, he's very loyal. But he's not very kind.
 
Christina Kann  33:50
Okay, okay. Is he maybe a Gryffindor?
 
Anna  34:00
I don't know, maybe.
 
Christina Kann  34:01
With his bravado.
 
Andrew  34:04
Maybe he's just the other side of Hufflepuff where he is very loyal. And it's not that he's trying to be a dick. It's just that he is so loyal to Cedric, and he's going to push that motive even though it might not come out, right or might not sound right.
 
Anna  34:26
Kinda like Ernie MacMillan.
 
Christina Kann  34:28
Oh my god, Ernie fuckin MacMillan. He's kind of like a frat boy Hufflepuff. Even a Hufflepuff in a frat is still gonna act a certain way, you know?
 
Andrew  34:42
Huffle-bro.
 
Andrew  34:42
Huffle-bro! Gnarly.
 
Andrew  34:46
Or a Puffle-bro.
 
Christina Kann  34:49
So it's time. "Oop, quickly, everyone. It's time right now. We didn't talk about it before. I didn't explain the concept to you. You have no idea what's going on. To me! Quickly. To me!" And everyone touches the portkey.
 
Andrew  35:08
How strongly do you think you must grasp said portkey?
 
Christina Kann  35:13
I think like skin to skin.
 
Andrew  35:15
You think just a fingertip would do?
 
Christina Kann  35:31
The fingertip is enough. He pokes it with the tip of his finger.
 
Anna  35:35
Yeah, I think Mr. Weasley even says, "It'll only take like touching it with your finger."
 
Andrew  35:41
I really should have paid more attention at the end of the chapter.
 
Anna  35:44
You really should have, Andrew.
 
Christina Kann  35:45
It spells it out!
 
Anna  35:46
Yeah, it does say says "You just need to touch the portkey; that's all. A finger will do."
 
Christina Kann  35:51
Thank you so much, Andrew. You're being a stand-in for the listener who doesn't know anything. And so that way we can explain everything.
 
Andrew  35:59
I do feel bad. I legitimately read this chapter twice, but nothing happens. And by the time I got to the end of it, I was just like, "ahhhh."
 
Christina Kann  36:09
Andrew, don't feel bad. One time in college, I was taking a world literature class. And it was like, pretty hard for me. Everything's translated. It's all poetry. I don't really fuck with poetry. And the teacher would do a quiz at the beginning of every class to make sure you had done the reading,pulling stuff from the poems, you had to answer these questions to verify that you had done the reading. And I would read them every time, several times. In fact, it escalated to reading them as many times as I physically could. And I was still failing these quizzes because none of it stuck in my brain at all. Because generally it was a really hard class for me. So I went to the teacher's office hours, and I was like, "Hey, I'm having a really hard time keeping any of this stuff. What do I do?" And she was like, "Honestly, read it more." And I was like, "Okay, well, I'm already reading each of these poems like five or six times," and she was like, "Read it more. I don't know. Remember it better?"
 
Andrew  37:01
Can you assign us better poems? Is that possible? Like, maybe don't give us crap? Just saying.
 
Christina Kann  37:08
There is one poem from that class that stuck with me like hell, and I've actually plugged it on this podcast before, but the name is escaping me right now.
 
Anna  37:16
That was my least favorite class.
 
Christina Kann  37:18
Absolutely. Me too. Well, and I had to take it twice.
 
Anna  37:24
Oh, no!
 
Christina Kann  37:24
I'm pretty sure I failed it twice, snd then I was just like, "I'll do something else. I don't know."
 
Andrew  37:28
I will find another path, god dammit.
 
Christina Kann  37:34
Oh, well, I don't remember the name of that poem. But...
 
Christina Kann (voiceover)  37:36
"If my heart were a wild bird" by 15th-century Turkish love poetry master Fuzuli. "If my heart were a wild bird, it would nest in your twisted curl / wherever I am, oh jinn, my love is by your side / I'm happy with my suffering / take your hand from the medicine that will cure me / Oh Doctor, do not heal me / the poison that destroys me is your cure / Don't be shy and pull your skirts from the hands of those fallen with love / Take care for the hands which holds your hem / if you suddenly emptied may pray evilly to the sky / The fragments of my shattered heart lay pierced on the spearpoints of your lashes / Go to sleep drunk on your own beauty / and mend my heart by the closing of your eyes / separation from you is death, beloved, the end of life itself / I am bewildered by others who live long apart from you / The wick of your spirit is twisted like the hyacinth curl of the beloved / Hey Fuzuli, you can't hope for release / until you burn like a candle with love's flame."
 
Christina Kann  38:39
So we're in the middle of a portkey! How did we get so distracted in the middle of a portkey?
 
Andrew  38:44
Love finds away.
 
Christina Kann  38:48
So Harry feels this pole like in his gut. And I thought that was interesting because, as I recently mentioned, I recently reread the Percy Jackson series for the first time, and that's also where magic grabs Percy, behind the belly button. Isn't that interesting?
 
Anna  39:04
I feel like that happens in a lot of books with magic, that it's in your gut. You have to like reach down into your gut and pull it up.
 
Christina Kann  39:13
That's so interesting.
 
Andrew  39:15
Not to totally take this off track, but when I was young, for whatever reason, when I read the word "naval," I thought it was like . . . behind your boob. So I always imagined like being pulled by your boob anywhere that you went.
 
Christina Kann  39:31
Shut the fuck up!
 
Andrew  39:35
I don't know why, but I misread it. I guess maybe I thought I read "nipple" or something. But for some reason, to this day, I hear "naval" in regards to a portkey, and I still think boob.
 
Anna  39:54
My tenders!
 
Christina Kann  39:57
Gods grant that none of us gets yanked by our boobs anywhere.
 
Anna  40:02
Thank the lord.
 
Andrew  40:04
That sounds like an old Greek punishment in Tartarus, being led by the breast around.
 
Anna  40:10
Is that why some people have three nipples?
 
Christina Kann  40:14
This is my punishment nipple!
 
Anna  40:21
Harry Styles has four!
 
Andrew  40:23
What?
 
Anna  40:24
Harry Styles has four. He must be in extra trouble.
 
Christina Kann  40:27
Does Harry Styles really have four nipples?
 
Anna  40:29
I think so.
 
Andrew  40:33
Same some for the rest of us.
 
Christina Kann  40:37
Obviously, I fact-checked this one, and here is what I learned from the article "Harry Styles Has Four Nipples and Here's the Scientific Reason Why," which was posted in LadBible earlier this year. He does have four nipples, they're tiny. They're cute. It's explained in this article that sometimes when human beings are developing, nipple cells just wander. So it's not uncommon to have extra nipples. It turns out Mark Wahlberg has three nipples. And that's the only other example this article gives. But um, but there you go. Four nipples. Double your pleasure.
 
Christina Kann  41:21
If you do have a third nipple that's exclusively for punishment, surely it's pierced, right?
 
Anna  41:26
Surely.
 
Andrew  41:28
It's not, it will be.
 
Christina Kann  41:33
We always spiral really hard right before the very last thing that happens in the chapter.
 
Andrew  41:40
How do we land this portkey?
 
Christina Kann  41:42
Yeah well, they land. They're here.
 
Andrew  41:44
Oh, we did it!
 
Anna  41:48
I feel like it sounds like maybe Cedric Diggory has taken a portkey before, because him, Mr. Diggory, and Mr. Weasley are still standing, and everybody else is on the ground.
 
Christina Kann  41:59
Oh, I wonder if it's an easy way to travel with kids. I don't know if floo powder costs money, but making a portkey is free. So maybe Amos Diggory got certified in portkey magic, or whatever, since you can't do it unless you're allowed to.
 
Anna  42:17
And he works for the ministry.
 
Christina Kann  42:19
Yeah, exactly. Maybe they have classes on the weekends.
 
Andrew  42:21
Yeah. It could also be the opposite though it could it be that it's a sign of prestige because you have the connections to get the portkey approved. Right?
 
Christina Kann  42:30
Oh, interesting.
 
Anna  42:31
Right.
 
Andrew  42:32
Maybe it's actually the elitist thing to take portkeys. "Amos Diggory grew up taking Cedric everywhere by portkey just because he could. No other reason."
 
Christina Kann  42:43
Just as a reminder, the Diggorys also live in Ottery St. Catchpole. So I don't know if there's a lot of wealth going on in that area. It just feels to me like a bunch of country families. Yeah, the Lovegoods as well. The Lovegoods and the Weasleys, those are both very British countryside, children running around bare feet in the garden. This place can't be real. Actually, what if I'm talking about a real place?
 
Andrew  43:18
Where the children famously run barefoot.
 
Christina Kann  43:21
The fact that Harry Potter came up first doesn't mean this isn't a real place. *gasps* It is! It is real.
 
Andrew  43:29
It's not Israel.
 
Christina Kann  43:32
it's located in Devon, England. Oh my god, wait, I need to look at photos.
 
Andrew  43:37
You know that this place, you could probably watch a graph of its tourism industry just jump right around 2004-2005.
 
Christina Kann  43:50
Wow, prank's on me because obviously all of the images of this place are just from Harry Potter in the Google image search. Okay, I'll do more research about that later. Um, anyway, we're here. We're at the Quidditch World Cup. Any last words about the chapter? Anything we didn't touch on? Anything we should touch a little bit more?
 
Andrew  44:10
That third nipple.
 
Anna  44:14
Always touch the third nipple.
 
Andrew  44:16
Always go for the third nipple. It's just good advice. Solid advice.
 
Christina Kann  44:22
Okay.
 
Andrew  44:22
No, I don't think there's anything.
 
Christina Kann  44:28
Okay, great. Well, let's move on to some plugs. I would like to start by plugging our Patreon. There's a lot of really dope stuff going on over there for patrons. The $5 a month tier gets you access to our monthly bonus episodes, which are -- no offense to the main feed -- but they're more fun and generally better. This month, our bonus episode we'll be sorting Brooklyn 99 characters into Hogwarts houses. So get ready for that. I'm freaking excited. I'm pretty torn about some of these characters.
 
Andrew  45:18
Oh no, I'm going to have to re-binge a bunch of Brooklyn 99 because it's actually been a while since I've watched it.
 
Christina Kann  45:25
I've been re-bingeing for this purpose, and it's a fucking delight. It's better the second time. Um, so anyway, join us on our Patreon, and for as little as $1 a month you can be part of our Discord community server, which is a really happy place to be. Andrew and Anna hang out there. So come join us. Andrew, what do you have to plug this week since you cannot be found on the internet?
 
Andrew  45:54
I've recently discovered the Apple TV show The Morning Show, and it is absolutely fantastic. It's Jennifer Aniston and Steve Carell and bunch of other people. It's absolutely fascinating. Oh, what is her name? I can't remember. Witherspoon. Reese Witherspoon. That's it.
 
Christina Kann  46:20
Crushed it.
 
Andrew  46:21
10 points.
 
Christina Kann  46:23
But you have to split those points equally. 5 to each Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Yeah.
 
Andrew  46:29
Yeah, it's a great show. The first season is really well done. It's a really cool show. I highly recommend it.
 
Christina Kann  46:46
Hell yeah. Thank you so much -- which, I've realized, is what I always say after every single person's plug. Hell yeah. Thank you so much.
 
Andrew  46:54
Hell yeah. Thank you so much.
 
Christina Kann  46:57
Anna, do you want to be found on the internet?
 
Anna  47:01
You can find me in the Discord! I occasionally post there. And I mostly lurk and just like people's posts.
 
Christina Kann  47:11
And that's a really important role.
 
Anna  47:14
Yes, it is. And you can find me on Instagram, but my profile is private. So if I don't recognize who you are, I'm sorry.
 
Christina Kann  47:25
But what you are saying is if I already know, you find me on Instagram.
 
Anna  47:29
Yes.
 
Christina Kann  47:37
So what do you have to recommend that you've been watching, reading, listening to, etc lately that you think our listeners might enjoy?
 
Anna  47:44
I've been watching Only Murders in the Building on Hulu.
 
Christina Kann  47:49
That's next on my list. I haven't seen it yet.
 
Anna  47:51
It's so good. And the episode this week was told from like a deaf person's perspective. And I took sign language in high school and college, so I find that really fascinating and important. The whole episode is basically silent. When he's on the screen, you hear nothing, but if he's not in the scene, then you hear background noises but the characters don't speak. It's such a fun little romp. It's Selena Gomez and Martin Short and Steve Martin. Someone is murdered in their building, and they decided to start a podcast to figure out what happened. So yeah, it's really fun. I highly recommend it. I'm super loving it.
 
Christina Kann  48:40
Awesome. I'm really excited to check that one out. Personally, I've been your host Christina. I'm going to plug something that I've already plugged on this podcast. You should read The Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle.
 
Anna  49:27
We've been talking about it a lot in the Discord, and it makes me want to read it so bad. So it's on my ever towering list of TBR.
 
Christina Kann  49:35
It is written by Stuart Turton. And it is one of the most unique, artful, surprising books I've ever read in my life. And I've read thousands of books. This book caught me off guard. It's pretty hard to do that. I'm not trying to brag; I'm just saying send me book recommendations that you think are gonna catch me off guard, please, for the love of God. And I'm recommending The Seven and a Half Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle by Stuart Turton. I fuckin love it and it's making its rounds because around the friend group because once you read it you can't stop talking about it. Well, Anna, thank you so much for joining us. I'm so happy to finally get you on the pod.
 
Anna  50:15
Thanks, me too. I'm glad to be here.
 
Christina Kann  50:17
And Andrew, my fearless co-pilot. I gotta go finish reading Just Get There! Off the Grid Portkey Creation before this book disappears without me. Bye.
 
Anna  50:39
Bye.