SPEAKERS
Sam O'Brien, Andrew Whatshisface, Christina Kann
 
Christina Kann  00:02
"I'm okay, mainly because the Dursleys are terrified you might turn up and turn them all into bats if I asked you to. A weird thing happened this morning, though. My scar hurt again. Last time that happened it was because Voldemort was at Hogwarts. But I don't reckon he can be anyone near me now, can he? Do you know if curse scars sometimes hurt years afterward? I'll send this with Hedwig when she gets back. She's off hunting at the moment. Say hello to Buckbeak for me. -Harry"
 
Christina Kann  00:56
What's up, Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, the show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and discuss the way the story and its themes have a state of the generation into adulthood. Thanks for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry, we did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today. Chapter Two, the scar. Oh, Harry Potter is a most unusual boy who has a very strange scar. And he goes to a very unusual school. And if you look around his room, you'll see the most unusual things. Anyway, he sent Sirius a letter saying his scar hurted.
 
Christina Kann  01:44
Welcome to The Restricted Section, where nightmares are real! Get used to it! I'm delighted to be joined today by my enthusiastic friend, Andrew! Say hello to the listeners, Andrew.
 
Andrew  01:55
Hello.
 
Christina Kann  01:56
Hey, and I'm so stoked that our special guest today is Sam O'Brien, host of our pod sib, Content and Capable! Say hello to the listeners, Sam.
 
Sam O'Brien  02:05
Why hello there.
 
Christina Kann  02:07
We are so glad that you're here! In case there's any chance in hell that a listener of The Restricted Section has no idea what Content and Capable is -- which, I don't think that's possible. I've made a lot of announcements about it. Tell us a little bit about your podcast and what you do over there.
 
Sam O'Brien  02:20
Content and Capable is a podcast -- kind of like, you know, your typical adulting podcast that you see everywhere. But instead of trying to give practical solutions, I sit down and chat to people who've got interesting stories or hobbies or stuff and talk about how they're living an adult life, but also enjoying life as well and feeling content with their hobbies or their jobs and things like that. So it's a really great time, and we chat about a whole bunch of things.
 
Christina Kann  02:55
Yeah, if you haven't listened before, might I recommend starting with maybe the episode that I guested on about book publishing and podcasting? I'll link that in the show notes for everyone. We're so glad you're here, Sam. Especially because we really need some help getting through this chapter.
 
Andrew  03:13
Tina, whatever could you mean?
 
Christina Kann  03:16
Okay, well, Andrew, why don't you just go ahead and give us your first impression reaction of this chapter? As you were reading it, what were you feeling? What were you thinking? What was running through your mind?
 
Andrew  03:25
I mean, I guess the only the only real answer to that is nostalgia. Because not only have I been in this chapter before, but this chapter has existed in every Harry Potter book ever made. So I've been in this chapter many times. Now it has different flavors, it has different little side characters that will come up. This one has an interesting bird. But you know, it's the first Harry Potter chapter of the Harry Potter book, where we learn about his unusualness and his boyishness.
 
Christina Kann  03:56
And Sam, I realized that I forgot to ask you to tell us a little bit about your Harry Potter history.
 
Sam O'Brien  04:01
Well, my older cousins read a lot of Harry Potter. In fact, when they came and babysat me, they would always have a Harry Potter book on hand. And I was always intrigued but never really got into it. And my mother has this rule still, that you could only read the book at what age Harry was. Because she kind of understands that they get darker towards the end. So you needed to be a little bit older to fully grapple with that, at least in her opinion.
 
Christina Kann  04:26
Interesting.
 
Sam O'Brien  04:27
And so I did so I read it once a year, when I was 11 through to about 16. I got to the sixth book and never read the Deathly Hallows.
 
Andrew  04:42
Oh my god.
 
Sam O'Brien  04:43
I'm so sorry.
 
Andrew  04:45
Well, it's been a great episode, y'all. So we're just gonna go ahead and...
 
Sam O'Brien  04:51
I actually struggled because I read so much as a child, my mother had to ban us from reading through the school term. And so by the time gotten around to picking up the next Harry Potter book, the school term ha already started. So I just never got around to like reading it. So I struggled through book five and six -- was just real hard to get through. And then I got to book seven, and I was 17, it was my final year of high school. And I just didn't have the time. I did try to listen to the audiobook. But at that point, I was listening to so many podcasts that I just couldn't handle another audio based thing. I have watched the movies, though, and I had this very interesting discussion with my mother this morning about how crap the Deathly Hallows movies are as compared to the books.
 
Christina Kann  05:43
It's crazy. They like made it into two movies, but it's still lost so many shades of meaning. I don't know. I can relate to -- my parents too had to restrict my reading sometimes to get me tp focus on other stuff. So that's very funny. What Hogwarts house are you?
 
Sam O'Brien  06:00
I am a Ravenclaw. Although sometimes I like to have main character vibes and will sometimes just go "Yeah, I'll be a Gryffindor for today."
 
Christina Kann  06:10
Oh my god, I love that answer. And I feel like I relate to that too. Sometimes you gotta buck up and be a Gryffindor. You know what I mean? Dope. Well, um, so what are your gut reactions to this chapter? I can't even like say it with a straight face.
 
Andrew  06:24
You have two minutes to respond. You must use all two minutes. That is a minimum not a maximum.
 
Christina Kann  06:32
We're not doing that.
 
Sam O'Brien  06:33
This is the weird thing about this whole chapter: We started off, you know, the last chapter with is really great, almost like a murder mystery plot. And we get back to this. And it's like, Why the fuck is this chapter here? We started with a really great start. And we just go on, "Yeah, now we're just going to spend the next 50 pages explaining who Harry Potter is." My first note, actually, is "Book Three Harry has entered the chat," because it reads so much like the first three books, but nothing really like the later half of the fourth book, where things get a little bit more complicated. And there's a lot of about, you know, bullshit that's happening. This is like almost a repeat of Book Three. Obviously, there's some interesting stuff that happened that we'll discuss later. But it's nothing really notable.
 
Christina Kann  07:27
Yeah, the beginning of this book is pretty bullshit heavy. We come out strong with the first chapter, and then the next two chapters are kind of nothing. And then we get to go to the Quidditch World Cup. And then there's like two more chapters of nothing. There's like, Let's sit around the Burrow, let's get on the train. I think it's that they wanted to give us the magic of every little detail of the first couple books, but it's like, honestly, we don't need the train, right? Let's get there, we got stuff to do.
 
Andrew  07:54
I might be wrong here, but this is the first one that I really remember being like a big, big deal. When the fourth book came out was the first time that I remember there being a midnight release. So I think what it might have been, too, is that might have been a publishing decision where they were like, "There might be a bunch of kids that are reading this and that've never read one, two and three, but they hear about number four, and they want to get it." Because that's the only explanation. Because I'll be honest, it feels like she's phoning it in here. It really feels like she had a list of things that she wanted to accomplish. And she just lazy went like bom, bom, bom, bom. There's points where it almost feels like like a fanfiction or something. It feels like it's not written by a real author. It just feels poor, clunky, and blergh. Maybe it's just being critical. I think what happened is she probably wrote the beginning chapter the way that we know it, right? The second and third chapter were just one chapter that was much shorter and was much more of just "Yeah, life sucks. But hey, this cool thing is gonna happen," and then going straight to the World Cup. At least that's the only thing that makes sense to me is that that was the case. And then a publisher was like, "We need more!"
 
Christina Kann  09:07
Yeah, ugh.
 
Andrew  09:08
"Put extra words on the page!"
 
Christina Kann  09:11
I would never do that.
 
Sam O'Brien  09:12
It annoys me because that book is so thick, and as a child in year six, when a friend of mine decided that she was going to read -- I think it was this book -- for reading challenge. I don't know whether you guys have it in America, Accelerated Reader?
 
Christina Kann  09:33
Andrew's bragged about it before
 
Sam O'Brien  09:34
It's the biggest bullshit ever. My brother does it. He's like on four million words this year. So he's very excited about it. Like it counts the words, and so we would get awards for the amount of words and so our class was a little bit low or behind. So she decided she was going to pick up -- I think it was this either that or the Prisoner of Azkaban -- and read it. I'm like, "That is way too thick." And it reads real fast, and it's a real short chapter and I think that that's perfectly fine. But it shouldn't be a chapter by itself.
 
Christina Kann  10:06
Yeah, it's bad writing. If I were this editor, I'd be like, "You should intersperse all of this backstory into your next couple chapters as we need it." Like, you got to cut something. That's my favorite thing to do as an editor, is just cut the bullshit. I'm vicious. Cut it! Andrew, were you at my house on Independence Day, when we watched Independence Day?
 
Andrew  10:29
Absolutely.
 
Christina Kann  10:30
Okay, remember, we were playing a variety of drinking games. And one of one of the rules was that every time the president's daughter came on stage, we all had to go "HER?!??!?!" And I think that in this podcast, we should start doing that whenever JK Rowling's mentioned. HER!?!?!???!!
 
Andrew  10:47
Yeah, I still don't really feel comfortable saying "that bitch." I don't know, for some reason I just don't like that.
 
Christina Kann  10:54
I think Rowldemost is a very appropriate alternative.
 
Andrew  10:57
I just don't even want to -- I just want to give her pronouns. That's all she gets.
 
Christina Kann  11:01
Yeah, HER!??!?!?!?!
 
Andrew  11:03
HER??!?
 
Sam O'Brien  11:06
I feel like we should have a new name for HER?? every season.
 
Andrew  11:13
Oh, we could really piss her off and call her "they."
 
Christina Kann  11:20
Whoa, you figured it out. Well, the funny thing is that at the very beginning of this podcast, all of us had this colloquial thing where we would say "they" the way that you say "they" about, like filmmakers and stuff. And we had to train ourselves to say the author's name -- until she betrayed us. And then we had to train ourselves to not say it anymore. We've been on this journey. And now we're just back to where we started.
 
Andrew  11:43
We should save "they" for book seven. So book four will be HER?? You can just adapt from there.
 
Christina Kann  11:49
All right, everyone, make a note.
 
Andrew  11:52
Also send in your recommendations for book five and six.
 
Sam O'Brien  11:56
Submissions are open. Only the best shall.
 
Andrew  12:00
 Top two will win, so Mats, go ahead and give us the two that we will end up using.
 
Christina Kann  12:09
Okay, I guess let's get to my notes. I don't know. Harry wakes up from the dream of the previous chapter.
 
Andrew  12:18
Yeah, and I already started off with an issue because he wakes up and he struggles to remember who Voldemort was trying to kill. Harry, it's always you, bud. The answer is always Harry Potter. The entirety of your life, the answer to "Who is Voldemort trying to kill?" has been Harry Potter. Other people have gotten in the way and had to be taken care of. But no, you are the target, my friend. And you woke up and you thought, "Who was it?" I don't know. Maybe the guy that's tried to kill you twice in three years. Just a thought. He literally had a previous version of himself who didn't even know who you were that tried to kill you because he figured out who you were. Like, DUH. I'm OVER IT!
 
Christina Kann  13:03
He's not a Ravenclaw! So his his widdle scar hurts him. It hot. It's shaped like lightning. We're like learning all these things.
 
Sam O'Brien  13:09
So formative.
 
Christina Kann  13:25
He really just like meditates for a full page and a half, dude.
 
Sam O'Brien  13:31
So there's a couple of things. First of all, this is where I feel like HER?? finally gets into trusting the readers to understand a couple of things. Yes, you know, she doesn't understand that people read the previous book, but she understands that people have read the previous chapter. So she doesn't have to spell everything out the fact that Harry had a dream. And then, this morning I'm sitting, eating breakfast, while listening to the chapter one more time, and the whole hand movements of Harry Potter having one hand over his face and grabbing the glasses in the pre-dawn. And I'm like, "What is happening here? How does that work?"
 
Christina Kann  14:20
Wow, there are some moments in the series where Harry desperately reaches for his glasses and it always gives me this moment of panic, because I too have before desperately reached for my glasses in a minute of need. So yeah, he doesn't remember everything but like something...
 
Andrew  14:39
This is actually, all kidding aside, a glorious and important moment for us as a podcast, going back through these books, because I contend this is the birth of edgelord/emo Harry. This is when we first started to meet the Harry that we will all come to love and hate and mainly hate and kind of love but really hate. This is where he starts. It starts with the way that he describes, in his own head, Quidditch: "in his opinion, the greatest sport in the world." That is such a 14-year-old edgelord boy thing to say. The next one is the way that it's written: "And yet . . . dot dot dot . . . and YET . . ."
 
Christina Kann  15:36
The angst.
 
Andrew  15:37
The angst is so real. And then later, he talks about --
 
Christina Kann  15:45
Hold on! before we go later -- Wait, what are you about to say?
 
Andrew  15:51
"Harry was no stranger to pain."
 
Christina Kann  15:53
That's what I was going to say!
 
Andrew  15:57
Like oh my god, Harry! Really? These are the first signs of him losing that, like -- what would Haley would call his "good boy status." He's losing being a good little boy. Because like, this is just so bad. And this is what I'm talking about too. It's either the greatest writing in the world because it's incredibly boring and yet perfectly written from the voice of a 14 year old, or it's just really bad writing that sounds like it was written by a 14 year old. And I honestly can't figure out which one it is.
 
Sam O'Brien  16:37
The the thing immediately after, when he start talking about Lockhart and I go, "It's good to see that Lockhart is still mentally scarring Harry here."
 
Christina Kann  16:45
Someone's remembering Lockhart.
 
Andrew  16:47
You're no stranger to pain, Harry, but you will never get over your mental pain. Because this is the wizarding world, and they do not have good mental health services. No one in the wizarding world is mentally sound. I think that can be just agreed upon by everyone.
 
Christina Kann  17:04
No one, I feel like, in the real world this mentally sound either. I mean, the muggle world, sorry.
 
Andrew  17:09
That's pretty true as well.
 
Sam O'Brien  17:12
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  17:12
Um, so we look around Harry's room and there's lots of unusual things. That's so weird. That's so weird.
 
Sam O'Brien  17:21
I have a logistics question. How the fuck do you fit a cauldron in a trunk?
 
Christina Kann  17:28
I know. I don't know if it's maybe not that big of a cauldron. They say the diameters of them at some point.
 
Andrew  17:35
It's like 12 inches, isn't it?
 
Sam O'Brien  17:37
I swear it was like 26 inches.
 
Christina Kann  17:40
Wait, I'm sure the internet knows the answer.
 
Andrew  17:42
Hey, Professor Internet.
 
Sam O'Brien  17:43
It's a  heavy thing.
 
Christina Kann  17:44
No, I wouldn't want to carry this trunk. I think about that when like the twins go get the trunk, which happens like three times, I feel like, within this series. Or whenever anyone's carrying any of the trunks, it sounds nightmarish. Pack differently. Why is it like this? Why is everything made of wood? That's so impractical.
 
Andrew  18:00
Because they still live in the 1850s. You know, the year that technology hit the perfect amount.
 
Christina Kann  18:06
I googled "Harry Potter cauldron size" and you know how sometimes Google's like "Here's your answer, don't look further." It says standard size two. Obviously.
 
Andrew  18:17
Ah, of course!
 
Christina Kann  18:19
Which is what they call them in the Harry Potter universe. Standards size 2, obviously.
 
Andrew  18:25
Translation: HER?? sat there and thought, "How big would a fucking cauldron...? I don't know. Would it be big? They couldn't use a big one. They have to carry -- Standard Size 2."
 
Christina Kann  18:38
This one website says five inches by five inches. That's so small. That can't be right. That's like adorable.
 
Sam O'Brien  18:44
That's like a cup.
 
Christina Kann  18:45
You can make like very jazzy cocktails in something like that.
 
Andrew  18:48
I was gonna say, I would expect that at a decent happy hour. It would be like 12 bucks but it would be like four shots of liquor, so you're kind of okay with it.
 
Christina Kann  18:58
Um, so Harry's like "Oh, the last time my scar hurt me it's because Voldemort was near me. Is he here in --" What is it called? Little Whinging?
 
Andrew  19:12
One other thing really quick that I did notice. "As far as Harry could see through the darkness, there wasn't a living creature in sight, not even a cat." I think I know what this means. McGonagall comes and spies on Harry. Not in a creepy way, just showing up, "You good, bro?"
 
Christina Kann  19:30
Cuz he's used to seeing a cat, huh?
 
Sam O'Brien  19:33
Like a whole mention of like a respectable street. I'm like, what makes and unrespectable street?
 
Andrew  19:38
Oh, Sam, you are so innocent.
 
Christina Kann  19:40
Garbage is a good start. There's a lot of garbage on my street.
 
Andrew  19:45
My mind went way dark.
 
Sam O'Brien  19:46
Then I started thinking about like the unrespectable street in my city, which is right across from the train station where I go to work at the radio station. And half the street is sex shops and sex bars. The other half of the street is bars, like normal bars that will then charge you $10 for entry and then each drink is over 10 bucks each.
 
Andrew  20:11
Oh. Just tostep back a second. Did you say sex bars?
 
Sam O'Brien  20:16
Yeah.
 
Andrew  20:17
So what is that? Exactly? Like, I want a drink and a blowjob.
 
Sam O'Brien  20:24
Yeah.
 
Andrew  20:25
Oh!
 
Sam O'Brien  20:26
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  20:27
That sounds fun!
 
Andrew  20:28
Wait, is sex work legal in Australia?
 
Sam O'Brien  20:31
I believe it is. Uh, yeah. I think it's a state thing. But yeah, I definitely think it is. Yeah.
 
Andrew  20:38
Party at Sam's place. All right. Nice.
 
Christina Kann  20:44
Wow, yeah. That's refreshing. That's fun.
 
Sam O'Brien  20:46
Yeah, it was interesting. I went out the other weekend. I was like, "Oh, I forgot that all these places exist."
 
Christina Kann  20:54
Wow, how to go from sex bar back to the Dursley's house? I don't know.
 
Andrew  20:58
Well, I know the way that we'll get there. Because we'll get there through one of my favorite recurring bits in all of this book. And this is so ramrodded. This has nothing to do with sex bars. But one of my favorite reccurring bits is St. Brutus's Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys. Like, can we go harder in the paint to make you sound like an asshole if you go to this school? Like, we want you to feel bad.
 
Sam O'Brien  21:25
Is this like a '90s thing, where they were all phased out by the early 2000s, but somehow these school still existed? It just confuses me as to why we had to make it so obvious that the Dursleys hated him, as if their actions didn't speak any louder.
 
Andrew  21:44
Do we think this is a real school, or supposed to be a real school, though?
 
Christina Kann  21:49
I don't know, because this was kind of before the era of fact checking in that way.
 
Andrew  21:53
Yeah, this was back in the days where like, if the oldest daughter got pregnant, you sent her off to live with her aunt for a year, you know? So like, who knows? I've always wondered, like, Is that a real place? And people are like, Oh, God, he goes there?
 
Christina Kann  22:07
I'll Google it.
 
Andrew  22:08
But it couldn't be, because they don't think he's tough. You know?
 
Sam O'Brien  22:11
Yeah. But then at the same time, I could think of people just not questioning it. Like it's the '90s; no one cares. It sounds like a respectable school, you know, and everyone trusts the Dursleys, because, you know, they're all stupid. And so it could be just, "Oh, yeah. Okay, that makes sense. It must be a school I've never heard of, and they must have done their research proper."
 
Andrew  22:35
Aren't you brave to keep a child that goes to such a place?
 
Christina Kann  22:41
harrypotter.fandom.com says that Vernon Dursley likely made up the school as a cover.
 
Andrew  22:47
Hmm.
 
Christina Kann  22:48
It does sound like the kind of blustery, exaggerated name he would come up with.
 
Andrew  22:54
Yeah, it just rambles on a little bit too long.
 
Christina Kann  22:56
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Very full of itself. Okay, oh, like we get a little refresher like, who are the Dursleys? Why's Harry an orphan? Like? What? Who are his friends? Who are they?
 
Sam O'Brien  23:13
We get back to angsty Harry here, and I go, "Is Harry fangirling over Voldy here?" going, you know, "He's done this and this and this. He's so powerful. And yet I defeated him."
 
Andrew  23:28
He really does, dude. And once again, it's that 14 year old type thing. *scathingly mockingly* "If it hadn't been for Voldemort, Harry would not have the lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. If it hadn't been for Voldemort, Harry would still have had parents."
 
Christina Kann  23:46
I want you to read this whole back to me in this voice, Andrew. It's like so perfect.
 
Andrew  23:53
Little did Harry know! Yeah. Seriously, it's like the most in his own head -- I will never be able to understand what it's like to be in his shoes at that age. I admit that. But my God, I think it's because it's so out of nowhere, it's way more abrupt than I thought it would be, the start of angsty Harry.
 
Christina Kann  24:20
He's got things to think about now.
 
Sam O'Brien  24:23
I'm just imagining myself as a 14 year old. I'm sorry for whoever met me at 14 years old. I was an asshole. And I really wish no one had ever met me at 14.
 
Andrew  24:41
There's a good amount of logic and I think solid argumentation that between the ages of 12 and 15, all children should be sent away to boarding school, because they're just going to be awful.
 
Christina Kann  25:00
I've always said I was my funniest when I was in middle school, so I feel strongly that way.
 
Andrew  25:06
I don't like interacting with children that age. They're judgy--
 
Christina Kann  25:12
They're hilarious! Are you joking me? They're so fucking funny and smart, dude, and they have nothing to lose. They're 13. What's going to happen? They're just so upfront with you it's hilarious.
 
Andrew  25:22
That's the problem, though. They just don't give a fuck.
 
Christina Kann  25:28
I respect it.
 
Sam O'Brien  25:30
I'm staying in my parents place right now. I have a 15-year-old, a 14-year-old, and a 12-year-old sibling. Yeah, I'm not enjoying it. I have to go to bed a little bit later. We were up -- it was midnight and my siblings were still awake. I'm like, "Go to bed so I can fucking go to bed!" They stay up talking loudly as well. They've got no respect for like what's happening around them.
 
Christina Kann  26:04
#adulting, am I right Sam?
 
Sam O'Brien  26:06
You're not wrong.
 
Christina Kann  26:09
The reintroduction to Harry's friends Ron and Hermione is done through this very flimsy lens of imagining how they would react to him confiding about his dream and his scar hurting.
 
Andrew  26:24
I genuinely love these. I genuinely love them. I have always loved them. And I am not ashamed of it. I fucking love when Harry imagines his friends' reactions. It's so goddamn funny. It's one of my favorite things in the Harry Potter universe. It happens a few times, where he like imagines what Ron Hurmati would say.
 
Christina Kann  26:45
Is it funny because it's so spot on?
 
Andrew  26:48
Yeah, obviously, it's spot on, because it's the same person that writes all the characters. I just adore it because Harry gets it perfectly in that way where you always kind of exaggerate the little details about your friends that you like the most.
 
Sam O'Brien  27:05
Ahem, "shrilly."
 
Andrew  27:06
Or at least the endearing parts about them. Like, if you have a funny friend, you'll be like, "Oh my God, they're so funny." And then you introduce them to someone, and you're like, "Aren't they funny?" And they're like, "I mean, yeah, they're funny. They're not like the funniest person the world but yeah, they're, they're funny." But that's like your thing, right, that you think of?
 
Christina Kann  27:24
He does call Hermione shrill and panicky.
 
Sam O'Brien  27:27
Which is just his angsty teen, really?
 
Christina Kann  27:33
So finally, in the end, he's like, "Well, I'll write a letter to my new dad that I just got, Sirius Black."
 
Sam O'Brien  27:41
Okay, this is where I have conniptions, watching Harry try to write a letter to someone, even him trying to draft a letter to Dumbledore in his head. I'm sitting here going, "Have you never written a letter in your life?" One of the big issues I have is if you go into writing something without a plan. And so, when we get to the end of the chapter, when he's finally written the letter, it's like, "Heaps of other bits of parchment." And I'm sitting here going, "Why didn't you just write a plan and then write it, and take two pieces of parchment instead of however many you used before?"
 
Christina Kann  28:26
I agree that I perhaps would have taken your path as well.
 
Andrew  28:31
Do y'all know? Are you are you cool enough kids to know?
 
Christina Kann  28:35
What?!
 
Andrew  28:36
That this is one of the biggest fuck ups that HER?? makes in the entire series?
 
Christina Kann  28:44
What?
 
Andrew  28:45
Are you aware of this? Am I about to blow your mind?
 
Christina Kann  28:48
Tell me!
 
Andrew  28:49
In his letter to Sirius, Harry mentions that Dudley threw his PlayStation out of the window. Fun fact: PlayStation wasn't released in the UK until September 29, 1995.
 
Christina Kann  29:03
Oh dear.
 
Andrew  29:03
And this is August of 1994.
 
Christina Kann  29:07
Oh my god.
 
Andrew  29:08
So my it literally would have been impossible for Dudley to have a PlayStation.
 
Christina Kann  29:14
Unless Vernon had some high-up connections at Nintendo. No, PlayStation. I said "Nintendo" automatically. Man, I really do fuck up almost every line I try to deliver. Trying to make a joke about PlayStation, but I literally said "Nintendo" just because I play Nintendo and I'm dreaming about how I'm gonna play my Nintendo later. Okay, we write the letter. Okay, and then Sirius, he must be hiding somewhere tropical because he sends Harry these letters via this large, flashy tropical bird rather than an owl.
 
Andrew  29:51
I always imagined this is like a toucan,
 
Christina Kann  29:55
Yeah, me too.
 
Andrew  29:56
In the book, it's way more of a flamingo thing. It's cool. It looks like it's a cool looking bird. But it's not at all what I imagined my head.
 
Sam O'Brien  30:06
Where would you guys posit that Sirius would be?
 
Christina Kann  30:09
If I were him, I'd probably be in maybe like South America.
 
Andrew  30:14
I'd be in Tahiti, just somewhere like tropical paradise, where you know no bureaucrat from London is going to think of. Bora Bora, maybe. One of those small islands where you have to take a plane to then take a Cessna to then take a boat to get to. That's where my ass would be. In the sand with a big ole strong drink and a lovely view of the ocean. It would look like a Corona commercial basically.
 
Christina Kann  30:42
That's cute. I like that vibe.
 
Sam O'Brien  30:44
Because he says "south." Okay, well, it could be like the south of Europe. But then, that's not even that nice. What about like the north of Africa? No, it's not even that nice. Maybe all the way down in South Africa. Imagine taking a hippogriff all the way down to the other end of the world.
 
Christina Kann  31:05
Whoa, that actually be like a magical experience and probably a terrible one too.
 
Andrew  31:09
Besides the chafing, yeah, it would be magical.
 
Christina Kann  31:12
But like the views, the views! Ugh, I'm weeping thinking about it.
 
Sam O'Brien  31:17
This is the other thing though. It's 1994. This is the height of unrestricted air travel before we hit 9/11 and stuff. So how do you ride a hippogriff through the air for such a long time without being picked up by someone and go "What the fuck is this thing doing flying through here?"
 
Christina Kann  31:35
Yeah, especially because -- I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure he just straight up doesn't have a wand.
 
Andrew  31:41
Doesn't he have ...?
 
Christina Kann  31:43
Why would he have a wand? Where did he get a wand?
 
Andrew  31:46
Pettigrew? Either Pettigrew or Ron. No...
 
Sam O'Brien  31:49
I thought Pettigrew still had his.
 
Andrew  31:51
Pettigrew stole Ron's. I don't know. It's been a while. See, we decided to take this break, so I don't remember. Just kidding!
 
Sam O'Brien  32:04
We've got no nerds on here. It's just us three, who can just speak out our asses for an hour and a half.
 
Christina Kann  32:10
I'm telling you that I don't think he has a wand.
 
Sam O'Brien  32:13
Yeah, I surprised if he didn't.
 
Andrew  32:16
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  32:16
He's desperate for food and stuff. He's on the lam.
 
Andrew  32:21
But he's able to find these wizarding birds that are able to fly these messages super long distances.
 
Christina Kann  32:28
You don't need a wand for that.
 
Andrew  32:30
I'm just saying, I think he has some level of contact with the wizarding world if he's getting those birds.
 
Christina Kann  32:37
You just gotta find the right bird.
 
Andrew  32:39
If he goes to, like, the largest Indian wandmaker, there's no way that shit's being patrolled. There's no way you're going to tell me a Gringott's goblin would not exchange your money outside of the state that you're wanted in. Yeah, if you're wanted in Britain, Gringott's don't give a shit. They'll give you your money in India.
 
Sam O'Brien  32:59
He must have a wand towards the end, though. Because just before he dies, they're in the battle.
 
Christina Kann  33:06
I'm sure they get him a wand eventually.
 
Andrew  33:08
Yeah, but for right now, yeah, you're right. He probably does not have one or he has only just recently acquired one.
 
Christina Kann  33:15
Wow. Okay. Well, we'll check back on that. So Harry, like reads us this letter that he wrote. He omits the whole dream thing because he doesn't want to sound too worried. But like, I mean, that's pretty worrying. Whatever. They said they were gonna murder you.
 
Sam O'Brien  33:28
Such dumb jock vibes. "I don't want to seem too weak."
 
Christina Kann  33:34
Yeah.
 
Andrew  33:35
At one point, Harry says something about like, "He didn't think of Sirius because he'd only known that he was his godfather for two months." But is that right? I thought he knew before the whole escape on the hippogriff that he was his godfather.
 
Christina Kann  33:53
That was like, two months ago.
 
Andrew  33:55
But like, I thought it was before that whole series -- I thought he knew that before he knew that he was actually a good guy.
 
Sam O'Brien  34:01
Maybe? I'm not sure. I feel like that was in the Leaky Cauldron.
 
Christina Kann  34:05
I think it's more of an implied -- That's how long he's had a godfather who is a good godfather that he likes and maybe could send mail to.
 
Andrew  34:13
Gotcha. Okay, that makes more sense. Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  34:15
Yeah, cuz you're right that it was before that.
 
Andrew  34:18
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  34:19
Well, it doesn't even matter because he doesn't even tell Sirius the whole story, but whatever. And then he literally gets up and gets ready for breakfast. So that's like the end of the chapter.
 
Sam O'Brien  34:29
There was an interesting thing about Wormtail. And I only was thinking about it now. Wormtail's following whoever has the most power, right? Made me think -- I'm a journalist, so I often think about Daddy Murdoch, who owns all the newspapers in my state. I was thinking about him, and there's comments that other journalists have made, so they're not mine, about how Rupert Murdoch always goes to whoever is the most popular or whoever is going to give him the most money. He's a businessman, you know, that's what he wants. And so Wormtail has very much got similar parallels. We're equally frustrated with both of them, and we're not quite sure how they got there.
 
Andrew  35:14
The only thing that Wormtail is missing is that he didn't decide to put topless models in his newspapers. That's literally the only big difference between the two.
 
Sam O'Brien  35:26
Our largest Australian export is a media mogul.
 
Christina Kann  35:31
Ew.
 
Sam O'Brien  35:31
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  35:31
Interesting.
 
Andrew  35:32
And he now owns Fox News.
 
Christina Kann  35:34
Huh.
 
Andrew  35:36
Oh, Tina. Yeah, that that's Rupert Murdoch he's talking about, the owner of Fox News.
 
Christina Kann  35:42
Indeed.
 
Sam O'Brien  35:42
And lots of other fun publications. I could probably spend 10 minutes listing newspapers here that he owns. It's kind of sad. Anyway--
 
Andrew  35:52
We'd all just be depressed if you did that.
 
Christina Kann  35:55
Guys, I'm looking for a segue out of this depressing conversation, but I can't because there's fucking nothing going on in this chapter. There's nothing to segue into.
 
Andrew  36:03
And there's nothing going on next chapter.
 
Sam O'Brien  36:05
I have one more question though. Harry mentions Dumbledore on holiday and tries to imagine Dumbledore on holiday. Where do we think Dumbledore would go on holiday?
 
Christina Kann  36:15
I don't know if y'all have seen that Disney's movie "The Sword in the Stone"?
 
Andrew  36:19
Long time ago.
 
Sam O'Brien  36:21
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  36:22
In it, Merlin goes on a trip to Bermuda, and he's like, all dressed up in a Merlin version of like a Bermuda outfit, you know, like a tropical outfit. And that's kind of what I picture, he's in Bermuda.
 
Andrew  36:36
Have y'all heard that Bermuda is like literally on a direct parallel with Virginia?
 
Christina Kann  36:42
Oh, yeah.
 
Andrew  36:43
Like it's directly to our east. My parents apparently had friends back in like the '80s that went to this really shady travel agent, because that was back when you basically had to have a travel agent. And they were looking at these tropical places, and they were trying to save a bunch of money. And they go, "Well, we do have one tropical place you can go to. It'd be really cheap." They were like, "Where?" They go, "You can go to Bermuda." My parents' friends were like, "Oh my gosh, yeah. It's cheaper to go to Bermuda?" and they go, "Yeah, we're gonna send you there in October. It'll be real cheap." And it is. Because it's just like Virginia weather in October. So you're like, bundled up in sweatshirts and shit sitting on the beach.
 
Christina Kann  37:27
Wow. Been there. I'll sit on the beach in any weather.
 
Andrew  37:30
Yeah.
 
Sam O'Brien  37:31
Wow.
 
Christina Kann  37:31
All right, team. That's it. Does anyone have any final thoughts about this chapter?
 
Andrew  37:37
We did our best.
 
Sam O'Brien  37:39
No, I'm glad we did some of the admin work we need to do for the next few chapters.
 
Andrew  37:46
We established some things. We got our new tradition for this season.
 
Christina Kann  37:52
Yup.
 
Andrew  37:52
All in all, a pretty successful stretch for time. We're not gonna lie. We know it. You know it. Everyone knows it.
 
Christina Kann  38:01
If you're new to the podcast, future episodes won't be under an hour, I promise. That's a threat and a warning.
 
Sam O'Brien  38:11
It's so hard to put 20 minutes of content into an hour and a half of podcast content. What the heck are you supposed to talk about?
 
Christina Kann  38:21
Some chapters in this book have literally so much going on. Just like a little redistribution of content is called for here.
 
Andrew  38:31
Just do it better!
 
Christina Kann  38:33
Next week, we're talking about The Invitation. So at least we get a glimpse, a little glimpse of the wizarding world.
 
Andrew  38:40
Yeah.
 
Sam O'Brien  38:41
I think this is where we get proper Dursley abuse. I was thinking the Dursleys seem less mean this time. I was like, "Oh, wait a second. We haven't even met them in person yet."
 
Christina Kann  38:55
Yeah.
 
Andrew  38:56
We've just had the threat of them.
 
Christina Kann  39:01
Alright, well, let's move on to plugs. I would love to start by plugging our Patreon.
 
Andrew  39:08
Yay!
 
Christina Kann  39:10
This season, we're introducing transcripts for every episode to make our podcast more accessible to more people. So please support our efforts to be as inclusive as possible by becoming a Patron. At the $5 tier, you can get bonus episodes. This month, September, we're covering My Immortal, the Harry Potter fan fiction. You don't want to miss it. I can't emphasize that enough.
 
Sam O'Brien  39:37
It's gonna be so fun. I can't wait.
 
Andrew  39:41
So I have been waiting to plug something that I found in the last few weeks that I absolutely love. It's a podcast called Five to Four. It's 5-4. And I think the tagline is "Why the Supreme Court sucks." It is a podcast that literally goes -- and it's not going to be for everyone -- but they take specific cases and break down the case and basically explain how the Supreme Court could fuck up something when it's supposed to be all these grand, scholarly experts and you know, known wizened old people that are in charge of interpreting the sacred document. No, it's all bullshit. it's always been politicized. It's always been exactly what you imagine it is. And it's three lawyers that basically break down, from a very leftist point of view, exactly how they fucked up and how they came to fuck up. And yeah, it's very informative. If you've ever been interested in legal theory, or the way that laws are interpreted, it's a very, very, very user friendly intro into that type of stuff. So like I said, if you're interested in US law at all, and you want to hear some pretty funny people talk about the Supreme Court, it's definitely worth checking out.
 
Christina Kann  41:02
Thank you so much. Sam, where can people find you on the internet?
 
Sam O'Brien  41:07
I'm Sam. If you didn't hear at the start of the episode, I host a podcast called Content and Capable. You can find that pretty much anywhere on the internet that The Restricted Section is, because I basically copy Christina and everything because she's just awesome. You can also find me personally @sam.the.journalist on Instagram and TikTok. I'm planning, once I get my WiFi set up, to upload a lot more to TikTok. And then on twitter @samobjournalist as well. And I am going to plug a TikTok creator -- he's also created stuff on Instagram and YouTube -- called @chanwills0. She is a Harry Potter TikToker. She does some of the best stuff. Her McGonagall impressions are awesome.
 
Christina Kann  42:08
Awesome, thank you so much. I've been your host Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann. You follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. This week, I'm going to plug my best friend Adrienne! She does woodburning and she is launching a woodburning business called Mayfields on Fire. And you can check her out on Instagram. It's linked in the show notes. It's very cute. It's earrings and custom woodburned wall stuff. So, Sam, thank you so much for joining us for this super exciting like absolutely riveting chapter.
 
Sam O'Brien  42:45
Thank you so much for having me.
 
Christina Kann  42:48
Definitely more fun than I thought this ever could be. So thank you so much. I laughed. I cried. We had a good time.
 
Andrew  42:54
My jokes aren't THAT bad. You're not physically crying. You just feel like crying on the inside. That's what I go for. If the actual tears come out, I feel bad. Don't make me feel bad. You feel bad on your own. And I get to feel good.
 
Christina Kann  43:11
Well, on that note, Andrew, thank you so much for being here.
 
Christina Kann  43:16
It's always a pleasure.
 
Christina Kann  43:16
You've been a joy. I'm excited to get even further into Goblet of Fire, and maybe we'll find the plot soon. Alright, gang, I gotta go finish reading "101 Clever Ways to Hide Snacks in Your Room" before this book develops a caloric intake. Bye!!!
 
Christina Kann  43:49
I'm excited for this episode. Just because it's basically just like a free form.
 
Andrew  45:34
It's about five minutes of material. We are putting on a master class here, people. This is going to take three professionals.

SPEAKERS
Haley Simpkiss, Mats Furuli, Christina Kann
 
Christina Kann  00:02
"Out in the corridor, Frank suddenly became aware that the hand gripping his walking stick was slippery with sweat. The man with the cold voice had killed a woman. He was talking about it without any kind of remorse; with amusement. He was dangerous a madman, and he was planning more murders. This boy -- Harry Potter, whoever he was -- was in danger. Frank knew what he must do. Now if ever was the time to go to the police. He would creep out of the house and head straight for the telephone box in the village. But the cold voice was speaking again, and Frank remained where he was, frozen to the spot listening with all his might."

What's up Pott-heads? Welcome to The Restricted Section, a show in which a bunch of nerds with potty mouths reread the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time and examine the ways that the story and its themes have stayed with a generation into adulthood. Thanks for listening. If you haven't done the reading, don't worry. We did it for you. Here's what we're talking about today:

Chapter One, The Riddle House. The Goblet of Fire starts not with Harry but with Frank Bryce, gardener of the Riddle House in Little Hangleton. 50 years ago, the rich and snobby Riddle family was found dead in their home and everyone figured that Frank had done it. After all, he was an introvert with PTSD and a limp. What a villain! But when the autopsies came back, his name was cleared. The three family members were evidently not even murdered. In fact, there was nothing wrong with them at all when they died except for expressions of supreme terror on their faces. Fast forward 50 years, and Frank is super old now. No one has ever really forgiven him for being an introvert with PTSD who was geographically near a mass murder. So he's used to kids fucking up his garden and even breaking into the Riddle House. One night his stiff leg wakes him up and he sees a flickering light on in an upstairs window of the manor. Real horror story shit, yeah? So he goes in, and he goes upstairs, listening in on the two men who are chatting inside. What are they chatting about? you ask. Murder! Murders they committed, murders they aspire to commit. Frank's just getting ready to go to the police when a giant snake slides past him and into the room. The snake presumably tattles on Frank for eavesdropping, so the men invite him into the room. What Frank sees inside that room absolutely shocks him, but it doesn't matter. There's a flash of green light, and our dear Frank is dead. Across the country, Harry Potter wakes with a start from a very alarming dream.

Welcome to The Restricted Section, where we will break into your house and start a fire! I am joined today by my most esteemed colleague, coworker, and dare I say co-conspirator, Haley.
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:06
Hey, how's it going?
 
Christina Kann  03:08
Good. Say hello to the listeners, Haley.
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:10
Hello, listeners. I'm Haley.
 
Christina Kann  03:12
Have you missed them?
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:13
I have missed them. Have you missed me, listener?
 
Mats Furuli  03:16
Yes, I have.
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:20
They're here! Oh God!
 
Christina Kann  03:24
As you can hear, I'm sure our special guest today his friend of the pod Mats! Say hello to the listeners much.
 
Mats Furuli  03:31
Hello to the listeners, Mats!
 
Christina Kann  03:34
You can catch Mats if you haven't already, or revisit. He was on our other episodes of the pod, The Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 9, Part Two: Grim Defeat. And you also, Mats, came on to talk about Puffs, which was our special summer bonus episode this past summer.
 
Mats Furuli  03:51
I did.
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:51
That episode was so much fun.
 
Christina Kann  03:53
I listen to it by far more than any other episode.
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:58
It's so wholesome.
 
Christina Kann  03:59
It's very wholesome. I do recommend it.
 
Mats Furuli  04:02
I listened to it for the first time the other day because I hate my voice and listening to myself talk is a nightmare.
 
Haley Simpkiss  04:10
Welcome to podcasting. We all feel that way.
 
Christina Kann  04:14
All the listeners are gonna be like, "What? I came here specifically to listen to you."
 
Mats Furuli  04:21
Well, I never do that.
 
Christina Kann  04:24
That is one of those weird human things where it's just like, that can't be me. That's not right at all.
 
Mats Furuli  04:30
Every time I listen to a podcast and one of the hosts talks about loving hearing themselves talk, I'm like, "Fucking hell, I wish I could relate to that."
 
Christina Kann  04:42
I love to hear myself talk when I'm not being obnoxious. So like, not a lot.
 
Mats Furuli  04:49
I always love hearing you guys talk. I just finished re listening to the podcast last night and I promptly stopped relistening. So one of the last things that entered my earholes before this recording was Andrew singing the entire Sorting Hat Song.
 
Andrew  05:10
*flashback clip* Oh, you may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see.
 
Christina Kann  05:18
Oh my god. That is one of my most like beloved memories on this podcast.
 
Haley Simpkiss  05:23
Oh god. That was like right before COVID wasn't it?
 
Christina Kann  05:25
Yeah, it was the last episode.
 
Haley Simpkiss  05:27
Yeah. Oh man. He is never happier than when he is either singing or telling you about his elaborate plans for hypothetical future situations.
 
Mats Furuli  05:38
I could not relate more.
 
Christina Kann  05:41
So gang we're here at the beginning of Goblet of Fire. We're standing on the precipice. I know! Are you even ready? Because this book is a lot.
 
Haley Simpkiss  05:51
I know.
 
Mats Furuli  05:52
I'm extremely ready.
 
Haley Simpkiss  05:54
We're gonna get through it together as friends
 
Christina Kann  05:56
We're gonna get through it together. Oh god. Oh dear. It's fine. It's fine. Probably no one will die.
 
Haley Simpkiss  06:04
One person might die.
 
Christina Kann  06:05
Up to one person Well, up to two people. #DontForget -- wait, #NeverForgetBerthaJorkins.
 
Haley Simpkiss  06:15
Oh, wait three Frank. Sorry. Spoilers for this chapter.
 
Christina Kann  06:23
How can I forget that Frank dies at the end of this very chapter? Okay, so three. Um, before we get started, I would love to just get a little bit from y'all about your experience with this book specifically. Mats, if I remember correctly, you read the book series originally really out of order.
 
Mats Furuli  06:42
I did.
 
Christina Kann  06:44
So when did you read Goblet of Fire in that order?
 
Mats Furuli  06:47
I have no idea when I first listened to it, but I believe it was the third book that I read.
 
Christina Kann  06:55
Okay.
 
Mats Furuli  06:56
Order the Phoenix. Deathly Hallows.
 
Christina Kann  06:58
Right. Okay.
 
Mats Furuli  06:59
Goblet of Fire. Half-Blood Prince. And then 3, 2, 1.
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:04
Okay. All right.
 
Mats Furuli  07:06
In short, the order of longest books is shortest.
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:10
I guess that's one way to do it.
 
Mats Furuli  07:13
You know, the way you're supposed to read books.
 
Christina Kann  07:18
Awesome. Haley, do you remember reading this for the first time?
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:21
Not specifically, I don't think. I think that, you know, when my mom started reading the books to me -- because that was how I experienced the Harry Potter books for the first time was my mom read them out loud to me. And then it became like a tradition every time a new book would come out, we would sit on the couch and have popcorn and she would read through the whole thing, and I would usually rub her feet. And it was just a really beautiful experience. But when we first started it, I think the first three books were already out.
 
Christina Kann  07:49
Right.
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:49
I think three had just come out.
 
Christina Kann  07:51
I really think that they were, for a while there, promoting them as a trilogy. And I think that's when literally our entire friend group pretty much picked them up, when that trilogy was being promoted.
 
Haley Simpkiss  08:02
Right. So the fourth one is the one that I kind of remember going to buy for the first time. I remember a lot of specifics from number four -- just specific scenes. I remember my mom and I finally figuring out that her mind his name was not Hermy-own.
 
Christina Kann  08:20
Yes. JK Voldemort had to write a scene explaining how to pronounce one of the main characters names.
 
Mats Furuli  08:28
It's so good.
 
Haley Simpkiss  08:30
You know, we didn't have the internet. The internet didn't work like that yet. We didn't know. Okay.
 
Christina Kann  08:37
Also, I mean, Viktor Krum really likes Hermione, and he can't pronounce her name either. So like, I guess it doesn't really matter. She's pretty good natured about it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  08:47
True. What about you, Christina? What was your first experience?
 
Christina Kann  08:51
I have like flashes of reading this for the first time. I've definitely mentioned this on the podcast before, that I learned a lot of words from reading this book. And this is like the first one, I think, that was using vocabulary that was slightly beyond me. I certainly had never read a book this long before. I think this was actually a really helpful step up for me in terms of my reading level. It helped me feel like I could read bigger books with words that maybe I didn't know in it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  09:22
I would agree with that.
 
Christina Kann  09:24
Yeah, I love it. I do love this book. It's like so layered and beautiful. And every time I revisit it, I'm like, "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!" I forgot because the movie had to leave out so much of this in a way that it didn't have to the first three.
 
Haley Simpkiss  09:39
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  09:40
So here we are at the beginning. I'm almost afraid to get started.
 
Haley Simpkiss  09:46
Do you have a point that you want to start with? Or, like, do you want like, do you want me to facilitate?
 
Christina Kann  09:51
The first bullet point of my notes says, "Oh my god, it's the beginning." So that's where we are.
 
Mats Furuli  09:58
That's a way better point than my first point, which is the lack of Oxford commas in this chapter fucking pisses me off.
 
Christina Kann  10:04
Yeah, I did clock that as well. So this chapter starts in the Riddle House in Little Hangleton. It used to be like a nice manor, but it's dilapidated now. And Harry Potter is nowhere to be seen in this chapter until the very end. This is like a different book right now. And they give us the old legend that 50 years ago, the Riddle family's maid found the whole family mysteriously dead in the drawing room.
 
Mats Furuli  10:35
Gasp!
 
Christina Kann  10:36
What is the drawing room? Why is it called that? Is it for drawing?,
 
Haley Simpkiss  10:41
Just gonna pop out my encyclopedia bullshit here.
 
Mats Furuli  10:45
Ravenclaw!
 
Haley Simpkiss  10:47
"Drawing" comes from "withdrawing." If you lived in a manor house, you had your parlor for formal after-dinner, like sitting down having your brandy and coffee. And then you had the withdrawing room, which was like, there's couches and the fire and you write letters there and you might have books. It's like the casual living room versus the formal living room. So that's what the drawing room is.
 
Christina Kann  11:12
Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, thank you so much, Haley. I'm not surprised you know that. This Riddle family was very snobby and everyone hates them. But it's the mystery of this murder is why everyone is so obsessed with it. They were rich and shitty, and then they died mysteriously. So on the night when they died, the whole village is hanging out in the Hanged Man bar/pub.
 
Haley Simpkiss  11:42
Yeah?
 
Christina Kann  11:43
I don't like that! Any other name kinda.
 
Mats Furuli  11:48
I mean, we are currently in a world in which the main school is called Hogwarts, which, you know, is kind of just the grossest fucking thing ever.
 
Christina Kann  12:04
But it sounds funny.
 
Mats Furuli  12:07
Nobody really knows what it is.
 
Haley Simpkiss  12:10
Have you ever been to the UK? Like, every other pub is called like, the Crown and Rose or like the Rose or the Lion or something. So like, you got to you got to differentiate yourself somehow, man. Sometimes it's with a hanged guy. I don't know. "What do we have? We're England. What do we even have? Ummm hangings!"
 
Christina Kann  12:31
The only thing that's ever happened in this town. So everyone's hanging out at the Hanged Man talking about like, what even happened? And the Riddle family's cook comes in to say that Frank Bryce, the gardener, has been arrested. They are debating about him. Is he nice? Is he rude? He really definitely is just an introvert with PTSD.
 
Haley Simpkiss  12:59
Something I noticed reading this chapter that I would like to get your opinions on: I get Hobbit vibes from this chapter. Like the style of the writing, the way it's written.
 
Christina Kann  13:09
Ooh, yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  13:10
Or like the first chapter of Lord of the Rings where they're talking about, like the plans for Bilbo's birthday party and it's all ramping up. This is kind of that same tone of like, you're in an outside perspective, looking in on a sliver of this bigger adventure, but like from the perspectives of the neighbors, just like the boring, nosy neighbors.
 
Mats Furuli  13:36
I didn't think about that. But yeah.
 
Christina Kann  13:37
The cook has big Lobelia energy.
 
Haley Simpkiss  13:40
Yeah, she does. She does have big Lobelia energy. Like if they called this pub the Green Dragon, I would be like, "Are we in the Shire?" These people sound like hobbits; they talk like hobbits.
 
Christina Kann  13:52
What a better name for a pub. So the facts are thus: Frank is the only person who had a key to the house and there was no sign of forced entry. So in the end, the villagers -- the gossipers -- they create this narrative that he acts weird, so he's probably guilty. Because that's how small villages be.
 
Haley Simpkiss  14:16
Small towns do be that way.
 
Mats Furuli  14:18
Yep.
 
Christina Kann  14:19
Yeah. So at this time, while this is going on, Frank is at the police station defending himself. He claimed that he saw a kid wandering around the property that night, but no one believes him. And like, frankly, it's not a very convincing fact. You know, it's like "What? Just a kid?" He just saw a kid.
 
Haley Simpkiss  14:37
Yeah, but I live in a small town and it was a weird kid I've never seen before. So that's what I've got for ya.
 
Christina Kann  14:43
Yeah.
 
Mats Furuli  14:45
Can you like at least please look into it please, please, before you sentence sentence an innocent man to jail or death?
 
Christina Kann  14:52
Right, the Hanged Man.
 
Mats Furuli  14:55
The Hanged Man probably serves as a bar as well as an execution place.
 
Christina Kann  15:01
Oh my god.
 
Haley Simpkiss  15:02
I wouldn't be surprised. But if the guy in question is like weird and quiet, he's clearly guilty. Obviously.
 
Mats Furuli  15:11
I'd be so fucked in 1920s Britain.
 
Haley Simpkiss  15:14
Same.
 
Christina Kann  15:16
So the only thing that really saves Frank in the end is the fact that like the autopsy comes back with nothing. It's like "You're completely fine, but you are dead, for sure. But like besides that, you're fine."
 
Haley Simpkiss  15:29
I do love this line: They appear to be completely healthy despite being dead. "The doctors did note (as though determined to find something wrong with the bodies) that each of the Riddles had a look of terror upon his or her face." Weird.
 
Christina Kann  15:48
I do like that parenthetical.
 
Haley Simpkiss  15:51
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  15:52
So that's kind of that. So Frank, get -- he gets let go -- they let him go. Stupid sentence. He's free. He goes free. He didn't -- he -- there's no evidence that he did anything, including any evidence of literal murder other than dead bodies. So Frank just like stays there, and the house gets passed from owner to owner. But like no one wanted to live there, which I get. It seems scary. It became all dilapidated. And Frank just keeps living there.
 
Haley Simpkiss  16:23
I had like a thought, just like a missed opportunity thought, when they're talking about like the people who lived there. "Neither family stayed long. Perhaps it was partly because of Frank that each new owner said there was a nasty feeling about the place." And like, were any of the Horcruxes hidden in the old rental house? Because--
 
Christina Kann  16:45
No! That's good though.
 
Haley Simpkiss  16:48
It would have worked really well. That would have been a really good easter egg.
 
Christina Kann  16:52
Oh, yeah. Maybe every time you walk into a building and get a weird feeling, it's because they're so Horcrux hidden there.
 
Mats Furuli  16:58
Yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  16:59
Or asbestos. One of the two.
 
Mats Furuli  17:03
I kind of love the idea that the weird, creepy, horrible feeling comes from the fact that there is a Horcrux there.
 
Christina Kann  17:13
Yeah. would have been good. I mean, and he had a lot to hide.
 
Haley Simpkiss  17:16
Yeah. But, one of the ones that Dumbledore found -- like the maybe the ring was -- I don't remember. I don't remember.
 
Christina Kann  17:25
The ring was in the Gaunts' house.
 
Mats Furuli  17:26
Yeah, right.
 
Haley Simpkiss  17:28
This would have been better.
 
Christina Kann  17:29
This would have been better.
 
Haley Simpkiss  17:30
Never mind. It's fine. It's fine.
 
Christina Kann  17:31
And honestly, if he hid it in this house, it has a built in guard dog because Frank still is around protecting the place.
 
Haley Simpkiss  17:40
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  17:41
That'd be funny. So then it cuts to present day, and Frank is old. It says he's very deaf, but then he eavesdrops the whole conversation, so he's not very deaf.
 
Mats Furuli  17:52
Yeah. No.
 
Christina Kann  17:54
He can be like, slightly hard of hearing, but he's definitely not very deaf. Unless he has -- oh my god. You know how in the Hobbit, one of the hobbits has like a listening horn, an ear trumpet! That's what they're called.
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:07
It's just never mentioned, but he is carrying it through this whole thing.
 
Mats Furuli  18:13
Doesn't one of the headmaster portraits in Dumbledore's office have one of those?
 
Christina Kann  18:19
Oh, my God. That is such a small detail. I cannot believe that you remember that? But of course, Haley remembers.
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:27
Which movie is that? I remember what you're talking about. But like, which movie is that?
 
Mats Furuli  18:30
I don't even know if it's a movie.
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:32
Well, I remember it visually. It might also be in the book, but I feel like I remember seeing it.
 
Christina Kann  18:40
That's the kind of tiny cute thing that someone would pull for the movie. You know, since we're animating a bunch of old dudes anyway, throw an ear horn in there. It's magical. That's where they got the technology to start developing the Extendable Ears in the next book.
 
Haley Simpkiss  18:54
There you go.
 
Christina Kann  18:55
Frank just lives on the property kind of gardening? Probably just mostly grumping around with his cane.
 
Haley Simpkiss  19:01
Honestly, goals.
 
Christina Kann  19:03
Yeah. This would be your life.
 
Haley Simpkiss  19:06
Yes, it would I want this job.
 
Mats Furuli  19:08
Just like stumbling around in your bog.
 
Haley Simpkiss  19:12
If I can't get a bog I want to be a reclusive gardener. Either's fine. There's mention of -- there's a wealthy new owner who continues to pay Frank to do the gardening. And as far as anyone knows, he keeps the property for tax reasons. Do we think that's Dumbledore? Do we think Dumbledore bought Tom Riddle's dad's house?
 
Christina Kann  19:35
That would have been really amazing if there was a Horcrux hidden inside.
 
Haley Simpkiss  19:44
A wealthy, mysterious owner who keeps it for quote-unquote tax reasons. Doesn't that sound like the kind of bullshit lie that wizards would come up with? "We're not even really trying but you're not gonna question it."
 
Christina Kann  19:53
Yeah, like "I don't really know a lot about muggles, but I know they for sure do taxes. Those sound terrble."
 
Haley Simpkiss  20:00
At the end of this book, Dumbledore does have a paper from Little Hangleton. He pays attention to what was going on in the area. I think Dumbledore owns the house.
 
Christina Kann  20:11
Interesting. I like that interpretation. I just thought it was someone who was trying to like claim residency in like a certain -- What are they called? What are what is Britain ... like divided into? Is it territories? Is it counties? Counties seems like a British thing.
 
Haley Simpkiss  20:29
I know that counties are a thing in Ireland
 
Christina Kann  20:31
Principalities?
 
20:33
No, it's not principalities. Principalities are ruled by princes. No, I think it might be counties.
 
Christina Kann  20:42
Okay. I forget what the whole rest of the sentence was until I got confused about the word "counties." Let's move on. The village is shitty about the house. They harass Frank and they fuck up his gardening and they break into the house and they light things on fire. And so when he wakes up in the middle of the night one night and he sees that there's lights on in the Riddle House, he just assumes that it's more asshole muggle kids playing pranks. He's a worthy opponent for a bunch of teenagers playing pranks.
 
Haley Simpkiss  21:20
Yeah. damn kids. If only. If only it actually was the damn kids.
 
Mats Furuli  21:25
Yeah, fucking Voldemort. Spoiler! All spoilers all the time! It's Voldemort.
 
Christina Kann  21:31
It is. It is fucking Voldemort.
 
Mats Furuli  21:32
It do be Voldemort.
 
Haley Simpkiss  21:35
It do be Voldemort.
 
Mats Furuli  21:38
When Harry's just like, "I think my scar is hurting. I think something's going on," most of the time it do indeed be Voldemort.
 
Haley Simpkiss  21:47
I feel like that's most of like books four and five particularly. "What's going on?" It do be Voldemort.
 
Christina Kann  21:54
It do be Voldemort. Because at the end of book five, it becomes public knowledge that he's out there. So he has to become like more subtle.
 
Haley Simpkiss  22:03
The Daily Prophet headline the next day after they finally admit it: "IT DO BE VOLDEMORT."
 
Christina Kann  22:16
They fired Rita Skeeter and had to get the interns stuff and they were like, "This is the best headline I could come up with."
 
Mats Furuli  22:23
Oh my god.
 
Haley Simpkiss  22:24
It gets the point across. So yeah, yeah. He thinks it's teenagers lighting fires, like they do. And it's not.
 
Christina Kann  22:32
It's not. It is not. Frank says "fuck the police" since he's still mad that they interrogated him one time 50 years ago... for a crime that it did kind of look like he might have committed. Yeah, so he's like, "I'm not gonna call the police. I'm gonna like go kick these kids out myself." He lets himself into the house and then he sneaks up the stairs. Baby. Please stop. Go back, please.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:02
There is a line-- You know how sometimes you'll read something and a line from it will just like stick with you? Just like get in your head? Where he's going up the stairs and it says he's he's "blessing the dust" that's muffling his footsteps. I don't know why that line has always stuck with me. But I I don't know. It's just been in my head since I was like nine.
 
Mats Furuli  23:25
It's been in my head since like, yesterday when I started reading this chapter to prepare. But yes, that is something that I clocked as well, but only on this reading.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:34
It's just an it's just an interesting line.
 
Mats Furuli  23:37
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  23:38
Yeah, it is interesting.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:39
Weird way to phrase it.
 
Christina Kann  23:42
But I do, a lot of the time, reading through Harry Potter, come across lines where it's just like "I recognize you specifically." You know what I mean? Like "This sentence for sure. I know this one."
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:52
Yep.
 
Christina Kann  23:54
I've been here before. It's the opposite of the Gandalf meme.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:58
I have a memory of this place.
 
Christina Kann  24:00
I have a memory of this place. I have up to 15 memories of this place. So in the room, two men are speaking. One of them has a normal voice and then the other one has a scary, evil-maybe-sounding voice. "A cold, high-pitched voice," which I have a really hard time envisioning until I saw Puffs. Because the Voldemort in Puffs has a voice like Him from Powerpuff Girls. The Voldemort in the movies, I think because they need you to take them seriously, doesn't really have that kind of voice.
 
Haley Simpkiss  24:36
Because the guy in Puffs was doing a honestly better impression of what Ray -- Ray Fiennes? I think Ray Fiennes did a good job. But the dude in Puffs, even though he was hamming it up, that's kind of what I was envisioning. Because it's not so much high pitched as it's just really thin and breathy.
 
Mats Furuli  25:00
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  25:00
Yeah, like like Marilyn Monroe
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:02
Like he's fucked up his vocal cords in hearing it like weird, magical experiments on himself or something.
 
Christina Kann  25:10
In the right context, it's funny to hear like that kind of voice. But if you were in genuine danger, and you heard that voice it would be incredibly chilling.
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:19
Yeah.
 
Mats Furuli  25:19
Voldemort is like the most dramatic wizard, so yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:23
Yeah, in a society that is, as we've established many a time, all about the drama.
 
Mats Furuli  25:27
Hell yeah! I was so badly hoping we'd get to do that.
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:31
Oh Mats, I would never let you down. Of course, I was gonna do it.
 
Mats Furuli  25:35
Oh, hell yeah.
 
Christina Kann  25:37
Voldemort is like way more dramatic than even Dumbledore. When we get to the end of this book, he is like, "Excuse me while I monologue for four straight chapters."
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:50
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  25:51
And then he does it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  25:52
Yeah! He has a captive audience! He has a literal captive audience! It's a 14-year-old boy, but you know.
 
Mats Furuli  26:00
You sly dog, you caught me monologuing.
 
Christina Kann  26:05
Okay, these two people, these two dudes, are talking about some things that Frank doesn't really understand. He is like, "My ears must be full of ear wax because what the fuck is Quidditch?" So he's listening to this stuff without any context. They're planning something. They're gonna wait until after the Quidditch Cup. They need to do something that requires this dude, Harry Potter, whoever the fuck that guy is. Um, lots of murder talk. There's lots of murder talk for sure. Like undeniable murder talk.
 
Haley Simpkiss  26:39
Just casual murder talk, you know, like to do with your bro.
 
Christina Kann  26:42
In front of the fireplace.
 
Mats Furuli  26:44
I mean, sometimes we do talk a lot of murder but that's usually specifically when we're playing Fuck, Marry, Kill.
 
Haley Simpkiss  26:53
Oh, true. Yeah. Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  26:56
Or like a video game, just like murder murder.
 
Haley Simpkiss  27:00
Now I'm just picturing for the Death Eaters playing Fuck, Marry, Kill. Oh, that would be a very dark version of that game. Extremely fucked up and dark version of that game.
 
Christina Kann  27:12
I'm trying to even remember -- like, none of the Death Eaters are even remotely sexy except for Bellatrix Lestrange and Daddy Malfoy. My honey. In this moment, Frank is like "I'm sorry that I said fuck the police. I think I actually would like some police at this time. Cuz there's a lot of murder talk."
 
Haley Simpkiss  27:35
*snottily* Um, why doesn't he just call them with his cell phone?
 
Christina Kann  27:41
Frank would never.
 
Haley Simpkiss  27:43
He doesn't-- they don't exist yet. It is the 90s
 
Christina Kann  27:47
True. But also Frank would never.
 
Haley Simpkiss  27:48
Also Frank would never, also he doesn't own a phone.
 
Christina Kann  27:51
Like don't call me.
 
Mats Furuli  27:52
Yeah, it was specified in this chapter that he does not in fact, own a phone.
 
Christina Kann  27:56
Yeah, that's true.
 
Haley Simpkiss  27:56
He doesn't even have a landline, which I respect.
 
Christina Kann  28:00
No, you have to be able to call for help.
 
Haley Simpkiss  28:02
No, no, he's a strong, independent, elderly man and he don't need no assistance from anybody ever for any reasons.
 
Mats Furuli  28:10
Except the fact that he's apparently very deaf.
 
Christina Kann  28:13
Honestly, you know what Frank needs? Does he have a cat? Does it mention that? Frank needs a pet; he needs an emotional support pet. But one that doesn't need him very much. But like a fat little cat would love plomping around the garden with him and then just like chilling out at night. Like "I don't really need to snuggle you but like I'm here if you need to talk."
 
Haley Simpkiss  28:32
Yeah, but then the cat would be alone after this.
 
Christina Kann  28:35
Cats figure it out. They would have gotten out and just like lived in the garden eating bugs forever. What a joyful life or a little fat rompy garden cat.
 
Haley Simpkiss  28:44
You're very emotionally attached to this hypothetical cat.
 
Christina Kann  28:48
Imagine the adorable way in which Frank Bryce would love a cat that respected boundaries.
 
Haley Simpkiss  28:54
You know what cat Frank Bryce should have and would love? Penny. Your cat Penny.
 
Christina Kann  28:59
Yeah, exactly. Just eat this little bug. Roll around in this little plant.
 
Mats Furuli  29:04
I thought you were about to say Bustopher Jones from Cats (2019).
 
Christina Kann  29:13
Okay, where the fuck were we?
 
Haley Simpkiss  29:16
We're talking murder. Everyone's talking murder. Something about Frank having a cat. Oh, Frank doesn't have a phone. But he should have a cat. And yes, we're talking murder.
 
Christina Kann  29:27
Thank you so much, Haley.
 
Haley Simpkiss  29:28
You're very welcome.
 
Christina Kann  29:29
So Frank's like, "I'm gonna go to the police." But then Nagini, the giant snake, is like "Wait, I'm a giant snake and I would like to slither past you."
 
Haley Simpkiss  29:36
*I'm a snake impression*
 
Mats Furuli  29:38
*better I'm a snake impression*
 
Haley Simpkiss  29:41
Oh, you're too good at that.
 
Christina Kann  29:45
Man, I listened to a YouTube recording of someone reading this book today, this chapter, and it was like really, really, really bad. Like the reading was bad. And I won't say who it was obviously, but there's a lot of really excellent ones on YouTube. But this person reading pronounced it in "nah-genie."
 
Mats Furuli  30:04
I hate that.
 
Christina Kann  30:05
It was like they were just like reading a foreign language. They were like "I definitely know the sounds to make, but I'm not sure the meaning that exists in these words." It was very funny to me. Nah-genie really stuck with me.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:17
All I can think is it sounds like nagina. I don't know what that is. I don't know what a nagina would be.
 
Christina Kann  30:25
I was waiting for you to explain to me what that was.
 
Mats Furuli  30:29
It sounds like snake genitals.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:33
It would be a cloaca.
 
Mats Furuli  30:34
A magical cloaco is what nagina is. It always comes back to cloacas.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:42
It's cloacas all the way down, God dammit.
 
Mats Furuli  30:46
"Cloacas All the Way Down" written by John Green.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:50
He would.
 
Mats Furuli  30:50
I was contemplating putting in my notes "Does Peter Pettigrew have a cloaca?" just to be able to bring cloacas up.
 
Haley Simpkiss  31:06
He doesn't but we got there in the end on our own just fine.
 
Christina Kann  31:09
We got there organically. Cloacas do come up organically a lot. This isn't even the first time I've talked about cloacas today because Sean and I in the car earlier were talking about-- well, we were talking about duck penises.
 
Mats Furuli  31:24
Wonderful.
 
Haley Simpkiss  31:27
Those are also very upsetting. So Nagina and her nagina slither into the room.
 
Christina Kann  31:33
Yeah, so Frank is like, "This snake's gonna kill me." But Nagini's like "Don't even worry about it" and just goes right past. But then Nagini ostensibly tattletales on Frank for being in the hallways.
 
Haley Simpkiss  31:46
Snitches get stitches.
 
Christina Kann  31:47
Yeah. Snitches get hisses.
 
Haley Simpkiss  31:52
Boo.
 
Christina Kann  31:53
Thank you. So Wormtail opens the door and it's like, "Come on inside." And then Frank has some words for the armchair. My notes are really stupid for this section. And then Frank is like, "Face me like a man!" And then Lord Voldemort turns around.
 
Mats Furuli  32:15
He pulls off his helmet, reveals that is in fact, Eowyn. *singing* It was Eowyn all along.
 
Christina Kann  32:28
It do be Voldemort. Frank doesn't like what he sees, to say the least.
 
Mats Furuli  32:37
Shocker.
 
Christina Kann  32:38
And then there's a flash of green light. And then our boy Frank dies.
 
Haley Simpkiss  32:43
Oof.
 
Mats Furuli  32:44
RIP.
 
Christina Kann  32:44
Yeah, RIP.
 
Haley Simpkiss  32:45
Yep.
 
Christina Kann  32:46
"Two hundred miles away, the boy called Harry Potter awoke with a start."
 
Mats Furuli  32:50
And that's the end of the episode. Hopefully not...
 
Christina Kann  32:55
Honestly, at the end of that chapter, I'm like, "Oh, God, this was a really cool story. Do we have to go back to that Harry already?"
 
Haley Simpkiss  33:01
I know. Because you know the next chapter is gonna be "He was a very unusual boy. And for more than one reason!"
 
Christina Kann  33:11
Tune in next week for our thrilling coverage of that chapter. Oh, actually Sam O'Brien, host of Content and Capable, is going to be on that episode. So it'll probably be super fun anyway.
 
Haley Simpkiss  33:26
He'll make it fun.
 
Mats Furuli  33:27
I'm very much looking forward to that.
 
Christina Kann  33:29
Yeah. Dang. I'm actually kind of surprised that we got through this chapter so quickly.
 
Haley Simpkiss  33:34
I mean, we could talk a little bit about like, more and more in detail of what Wormtail and Voldemort were talking about, with like Bertha Jorkins and everything.
 
Christina Kann  33:42
Yeah, I did skim over most of that. Because really, it's just like, "Get ready for the rest of this book. Here's the events that are to come."
 
Haley Simpkiss  33:51
Yeah. First of all, after being a rat for 13 straight years, how does Peter Pettigrew pick up a lady? Because I feel like he didn't have game to begin with?
 
Mats Furuli  34:03
Yeah, that's in my notes as well. I don't think he has a wand at this point. So...
 
Haley Simpkiss  34:10
Yeah, so so no, he must have charmed her.
 
Mats Furuli  34:14
Yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  34:15
But like how?
 
Christina Kann  34:19
He literally was just like, "Yo, Bertha, it's me Peter Pettigrew. You thought I was dead. But like, we went to school together. Isn't it crazy that we're both in this place? Let's talk a little bit." And she's just a friendly idiot, which like, relatable. So I would be like, "Yeah! I knew you when we were kids. Let's go have dinner or whatever."
 
Haley Simpkiss  34:38
She might have even forgotten that he was supposed to be dead because her memory is all fucked up from getting her memory modified so badly.
 
Christina Kann  34:46
Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, rough. It's so rough.
 
Haley Simpkiss  34:49
Yeah, it's a bad time.
 
Mats Furuli  34:50
I forgot about the timeline. But yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, seriously, having your brain messed up by memory charm is like the only way that I can think of that Peter Pettigrew might possibly be able to seduce someone.
 
Haley Simpkiss  35:07
Yeah, how? How? That's all I'm asking. How?
 
Christina Kann  35:11
Wait, are we assuming that he seduced her? Or are we reading between the lines that he seduced her?
 
Haley Simpkiss  35:17
He got a woman to leave a bar with him while she was on vacation.
 
Christina Kann  35:23
I'm just telling you some people are just trusting.
 
Mats Furuli  35:26
I would still not trust someone who looked like Peter fucking Pettigrew.
 
Christina Kann  35:31
He is, like, really rough in the movies for sure.
 
Mats Furuli  35:33
Yeah, maybe I'm just like, seeing Timothy Spall, but like--
 
Christina Kann  35:38
I think that's the idea, though.
 
Haley Simpkiss  35:40
I mean, he's described I think in the books as being more milquetoast, just a very normal -- like, if he wasn't a wizard and a turncoat spy thing, he would look like a mailman.
 
Christina Kann  35:54
I was gonna say like the energy vampire from What We Do in the Shadows.
 
Mats Furuli  35:58
Yeah, yeah.
 
Christina Kann  35:59
What's his name? Do we know?
 
Haley Simpkiss  36:00
Do we know?
 
Christina Kann  36:01
Welp, doesn't matter.
 
Haley Simpkiss  36:02
No, he has a name.
 
Christina Kann  36:03
He definitely has a name. I just don't remember what it is. It's probably something like Mark or like Michael or something.
 
clip  36:07
My name is Colin Robinson. And I am what's known as a psychic vampire, or energy vampire.
 
Haley Simpkiss  36:15
Yeah, something as made in a lab to be as forgettable as humanly possible. Sorry to all of the Mikes that we're friends with. All eight thousand of you.
 
Christina Kann  36:28
Okay, anything else we want to touch on before we wrap up this chapter? I do like what you said about it being a hobbity because it is hoppity.
 
Haley Simpkiss  36:36
Yeah, just in tone. I mean, like more dark.
 
Christina Kann  36:40
Yeah, but the beginning for sure was very hobbity.
 
Mats Furuli  36:44
I have a note that I was contemplating just leaving out because it's so long, on the topic of Peter Pettigrew's hitherto unknown abilities. I feel like a lot of people shit on Peter -- a lot of people seem to think that he's a really terrible wizard. Like, he does have some magical prowess. Like he outsmarts and out-magics Sirius Black when he is confronted on the street. He's able to blow up the street, and he cuts off his finger in order to fake his own death, which is extremely cunning. The fact that he's able to blow up the street, killing 12 people, with his wand behind his back, before Sirius is able to react, is kind of impressive. He's also the person, I think -- possibly with help -- but I think mostly Peter Pettigrew was the person who brewed the potion that allowed Voldemort to regain a temporary body, the body that we see in this chapter, as well as the potion that got Voldemort his full body.
 
Haley Simpkiss  38:10
Yeah, I mean, you could say if he's receiving instruction on that, it doesn't count. But also, Harry and his whole class, whenever they are in Snape's class, are receiving instruction the entire time, and they still managed to fuck up pretty frequently. And this is like some Restricted Section -- heyyyyyy Restricted Section! This is one of those Restricted Section fucked-up potions that are really complicated. So I think you're onto something.
 
Mats Furuli  38:13
You could argue that a lot of the reason why people fuck up in Snape's class is the fact that Snape is a really terrifying person. But so is fucking Voldemort. Like Voldemort is more terrifying. So I feel like the risk of fucking up under Voldemort's supervision is way bigger than under Snape's. And also, I could be getting the timeline wrong, but I think Wormtail must have been the person who brewed the Polyjuice Potion for Barty Crouch Jr. because it takes a month to make. I don't think Barty Crouch Jr. would have come back to Voldemort in time to brew that potion.
 
Haley Simpkiss  39:26
I think Barty was making his own on the sly because Snape does accuse Harry of stealing Polyjuice Potion ingredients again, because he's like, "I know it was you. I can't prove it. But I fucking know it was you the first time two years ago and I know it's you now" and Harry's like, "I genuinely do not know what you're talking about."
 
Christina Kann  39:49
...This time.
 
Haley Simpkiss  39:50
This time.
 
Mats Furuli  39:52
He was transformed into Mad-Eye Moody when he got to Hogwarts, so there must have been at least some amount of Polyjuice Potion.
 
Haley Simpkiss  40:04
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
 
Mats Furuli  40:06
There's also the fact that he was able -- I mean, he was getting help, but like -- he was able to becoming an animagus at fucking 15 years old. We keep hearing from Sirius and Voldemort that he's this complete fucking dumbass. But other than like maybe the fact that he did fuck up the question on his OWLs about werewolf signs despite the fact that he is actively running around with a werewolf every fucking full moon -- other than that, I don't think we really see, at least to me, any convincing evidence that Peter Pettigrew is that big of a dumbass. He seems like he's pretty good at magic in general and also extremely cunning. I fucking hate Peter Pettigrew. He's the absolute worst. Insert Jean-Ralphio "The Worst" clip.
 
clip  41:03
The woooOOOooooOOOoooOoOoOOooorst.
 
Mats Furuli  41:07
People should be getting giving him more credit when it comes to magical prowess.
 
Christina Kann  41:13
I guess when he spends 12 years as a rat, he just becomes so deeply pathetic during that time, like cowardly and pathetic, that it's like whatever skill he has, it's like "You're still just an absolute piece of shit."
 
Haley Simpkiss  41:30
Yeah, I think you're right Mats. I do think that he's a lot more talented than most people assume. But that kind of just makes him very easy to underestimate.
 
Christina Kann  41:46
I was just gonna say that's like, his whole thing is that people were underestimating him the whole time. And also to this very day.
 
Mats Furuli  41:53
He's like a dark-side Neville Longbottom.
 
Haley Simpkiss  41:55
Oh, yeah.
 
Christina Kann  41:58
Yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  41:59
It sounds like his main issue was honestly confidence.
 
Mats Furuli  42:03
Other than the fact that he's a shitty person, but you know.
 
Haley Simpkiss  42:05
Well, I mean, also that. His issue internally that leads him to "Well, okay, I just need to find the most powerful friends possible because I suck."
 
Mats Furuli  42:16
Yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  42:16
But I don't know. It kind of sounds like it didn't need to fucking go this way, dude, but you made purchases. Have fun living as a rat and then working for this dude.
 
Christina Kann  42:26
Yeah.
 
Mats Furuli  42:27
12 years of it! In Ratskaban.
 
Christina Kann  42:34
Oh my god. Okay, great. Well, let's move on. Let's wrap it on up. Before we get into plugs, I would like to invite all of our beloved listeners to consider signing up for our Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can be part of our Discord community, which is very, very fun, and Haley and Mats and I are all there very consistently, so come chat nerd shit with us. You can also get access to our bonus episodes on our Patreon. This month's bonus episode is going to cover My Immortal, the mysterious and legendary Harry Potter fanfiction.
 
Mats Furuli  43:12
Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm so excited for it.
 
Haley Simpkiss  43:16
I started reading and sort of rereading. It's a bad time.
 
Christina Kann  43:20
Catch Haley on that episode. It's gonna be really fun.
 
Haley Simpkiss  43:24
*clearly in pain* Yep, it will.
 
Christina Kann  43:26
Yeah, so head over to our Patreon to get access to that. The link is in the show notes. Haley, would you like to tell people where they can find you on the internet?
 
Haley Simpkiss  43:35
I would like to tell people where they can find me on the internet. Thank you for not letting me forget this time. I'm Haley. You can hear my dulcet tones on Sundays with the Movie Night Crew just talking shit about movies. Not even talking shit. Sometimes talking shit, and then sometimes just critical analysis, but it's a lot of talking shit. And you can find me on Twitter if you must @thewrit_towit. And my plug for this week -- I'm gotta be super creative and plug Bo Burnham's Inside. It's on Netflix. If you choose to watch it, and you are a person who has ever struggled with mental health, just be careful, hydrate, have tissues on hand, and maybe have someone you can talk to afterwards because at least one line, probably more, is going to rip your actual soul out. But it's very well done.
 
Mats Furuli  44:37
Like a dementor.
 
Christina Kann  44:40
I was gonna say, a finishing move.
 
Mats Furuli  44:44
Finish him!
 
Christina Kann  44:44
Thank you so much for that glowing recommendation, Haley.
 
Haley Simpkiss  44:47
You're welcome.
 
Christina Kann  44:48
Mats, where can people find you on the internet?
 
Mats Furuli  44:50
Yeah, so I'm on Twitter and Instagram. My handle for both is @mdotfur.
 
Christina Kann  44:59
Do you have anything you've watched or read or listened to or done recently that you would like to recommend to our listeners?
 
Mats Furuli  45:07
Yeah, I actually have two plugs, and I'll try to keep these plugs kind of brief.
 
Christina Kann  45:14
Mats did ask permission to bring two plugs before we recorded. Very respectful.
 
Mats Furuli  45:22
Yeah, so weirdly, the thing that I'm always the most nervous about when it comes to recording podcast episodes, is whenever I have to actually plug something. I feel like I'm really bad at talking about the things that I love and why I love them. So that's always kind of nerve-wracking. So, of course, I had to make myself do it twice today. So you know.
 
Haley Simpkiss  45:52
We did establish earlier that you like torturing yourself.
 
Mats Furuli  45:54
That is true. That is very true.
 
Christina Kann  45:57
This is a safe space to just share your plugs and like don't even worry about it.
 
Mats Furuli  46:01
Great. Okay. Yeah. So my first plug is a book series called The Kingkiller Chronicles. It's a hard one to describe and make it sound like it's actually a compelling series. If I were to describe the plot, it would probably sound something along the lines of "Young boy goes to school, tries to get into a library." His biggest goal for the entire first book is to get into a library, but he can't. That's more or less the entire plot of the first book. The first book is called the Name of the Wind, by the way. I think one of the big reasons why I love the book so much, or the series, is the fact that it's set in this Lord of the Rings or Game of Thrones-esque magical world, but it's such a tiny and contained story. It's a really small story, so you really get to know the characters in that story. But so much of the world on a geographical basis is unexplored and it allows for so many potential future series, and I'm really excited. I'm so excited for book three to come out.
 
Christina Kann  47:25
Hell yeah, Haley and I have both read -- well, I read the Name of the Wind, but you read both of them, Haley.
 
Haley Simpkiss  47:31
I have a first printing of the second book that I got signed by Patrick Rothfuss.
 
Mats Furuli  47:38
No way. Wow, I'm so fucking jealous. I recently just got a really beautiful cover or like, copy, of the two books. And like I posted pictures of those on Instagram. They're just the prettiest things I've ever seen in my life.
 
Christina Kann  48:04
They were very beautiful.
 
Mats Furuli  48:05
And really expensive! I think getting my hands on both of the books would cost me about $500. So yeah, that is money that I don't currently possess.
 
Christina Kann  48:14
Those are books that you put in a glass case out for people to gaze at as they walk past.
 
Mats Furuli  48:19
Exactly. I would never opened ever in my life. Yeah, so my second plug is a D&D action play series called Dimension 20. Often when people talk about really great D&D series or shows, it's in audio, podcast format. And you can listen to some of it on a podcast. But I will say, by far the best experience is to watch it on -- some of it is on YouTube. But all of it -- and I believe it's completely uncensored -- is on College Humor's streaming service, Dropout. It's really great. Yeah, it costs money, but it's honestly so worth it. But one of the series is called Fantasy High. It's basically if you took every John Hughes eighties rom com, but everything was fantasy, magical, and it's just absolutely wonderful and delightful. Another is called A Crowd of Candy. It's basically Game of Thrones, but everything is made of food. So the like royal family is made of candy and they're like--
 
Christina Kann  48:21
Oh my god, like Princess Vanellope from Wreck-It Ralph.
 
Mats Furuli  49:51
Exactly. It's delightful.
 
Christina Kann  49:54
Or Princess Bubblegum.
 
Haley Simpkiss  49:56
No, it's it's Vanellope from Wreck-It Ralph, Princess Bubblegum is Adventure Time.
 
Christina Kann  50:02
Yeah. I was saying as an additional example. Okay.
 
Mats Furuli  50:06
And yeah, another is a really short series, but it's called Tiny Heist. It's basically Toy Story meets Ocean's 11, which is like two of my favorite movies ever.
 
Christina Kann  50:19
You said Tiny Heist?
 
Mats Furuli  50:21
Yeah.
 
Haley Simpkiss  50:22
Oh my god.
 
Christina Kann  50:22
I love that so much.
 
Haley Simpkiss  50:24
Those are all really cool premises.
 
Christina Kann  50:26
Yeah, that sounds very creative.
 
Mats Furuli  50:29
One that finished recently is called, I believe, Misfits and Magic. Basically, four American teenagers attend a Hogwarts-esque wizard school as foreign exchange students. And it takes place in a world in which the Harry Potter series exists. And it's just the best people ever. And yeah, I highly recommend it.
 
Christina Kann  50:59
Hell yeah. Thank you so much. So I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on twitter @christinakann. I also have another Twitter called @booksoocontext, where I post lines from books out of context. I started out while I was reading Percy Jackson, because there's a lot of really good ones. You can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. This week, I'd like to recommend a graphic novel that I read over the summer called Bloom, written by Kevin Panetta and illustrated by Savannah Ganucheau. It's a very cute little graphic novel about two boys who fall in love in a bakery. It's just like a really wholesome, YA romance. I love it so much. It's so sweet and mellow. So buy it from your local bookstore, maybe. And our local bookstore here is Fountain Bookstore, and I think you can order through the mail from them if you would like to support our beloved local bookstore. Haley, thank you so much for being here with me today on this very first episode of the Goblet of Fire.
 
Haley Simpkiss  52:21
Happy to be here.
 
Christina Kann  52:22
Yeah. And Mats, thank you for joining us. It is a pleasure as always when you're here.
 
Mats Furuli  52:26
Aw, thank you so much for having me. It's been a great time and I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I will not be able to join you for another chapter for about a book and a half. So...
 
Christina Kann  52:39
Well, you were on like two episodes ago, so I'm sure we'll find a way to make it happen.
 
Mats Furuli  52:44
I can't wait.
 
Christina Kann  52:45
And as a reminder, if you haven't watched Puffs and listen to our summer episode that covered Puffs, you absolutely should. That's my other plug. My followup plug.
 
Haley Simpkiss  52:53
Yeah, I'll second that plug.
 
Christina Kann  52:58
Alright gang, I gotta go finish reading Gardening for Muggles before this book spontaneously combust! Bye.

SPEAKERS
Mary-Peyton Crook, Brooke Matherly, Grace Ball, Siri, Christina Kann
 
Christina Kann  00:24
Hello and welcome to The Restricted Section. We are a raunchy, rowdy, rambling, unabashedly pro trans rights Harry Potter book club podcast hosted by a bunch of millennial nihilistic assholes who are desperately clinging to childhood fantasy as a way to escape the monotony of our nine-to-five work culture and the inevitable extinction of the human race at our own hands. Isn't it wild that this book series was spontaneously created by the gods and has no actual author? Welcome to the show!
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  00:58
Wow. Am I in therapy right now?
 
Brooke Matherly  01:01
Did you write that? Surely you wrote that.
 
Christina Kann  01:04
I wrote that.
 
Grace Ball  01:05
That was beautiful.
 
Brooke Matherly  01:06
You know, that was like really good. You should consider writing more. Have you thought about being a writer at all?
 
Christina Kann  01:11
No. Actually, you're the first person who's ever said that to me.
 
Brooke Matherly  01:14
I think you have a hidden talent here.
 
Christina Kann  01:16
Whoa, okay. Wait, I'll think about that, actually, for a little while. I'll think about it. It is my supreme honor to be joined today by my assiduous friend Grace! Say hello to the listeners, Grace.
 
Grace Ball  01:26
Hello, listeners.
 
Christina Kann  01:28
It is my most delicious privilege to be joined as well by my astute buddy Brooke. Say hello to the listeners, Brooke.
 
Brooke Matherly  01:35
I'm so excited that you came up with new adjectives for this season.
 
Christina Kann  01:38
I wrote them ahead of time and they all mean things that actually describe you.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  01:44
Delicious.
 
Christina Kann  01:47
And, last but never least, it is my most excellent pleasure to be joined by my sardonic pal, Mary-Peyton! Say hello to the listeners, Mary-Peyton.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  01:55
You really nailed it. Hello!
 
Christina Kann  01:56
Hey, we're here! We're recording! I've truly missed this podcast so much. I do think breaks are important, but you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And I'm more excited about this podcast than I've ever been in this moment. So thank you guys so much for joining me today. We're doing a little bit of a Goblet of Fire introduction. Not that anyone really needs an introduction. A little bit of like a mail bag, owl mail, Ask Me Anything, just doing a whole lot of hyping up.
 
Brooke Matherly  02:30
We're here to guzzle from the goblet baby.
 
Christina Kann  02:33
Yeah, we're just guzzling over here. I'm like actively burping from my Moscow mule as I'm trying to get that line out. So, before we go any further, some housekeeping stuff from over the summer: We have a couple of new patrons that deserve a shoutout. We're super grateful for our patrons. We love them so much. So this one's for you, Anna and Foster. They're awesome. We met them both on our Discord server after they signed up. And we're just like, so grateful to have them as part of our community. So thank you Anna, thank you Foster, for supporting the podcast. It's because of you that we can do cool things, like this season, we're going to start posting transcriptions of every episode to make them more accessible to people who are hard of hearing.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  03:16
Awesome.
 
Brooke Matherly  03:18
Wait wait wait, who reported they had a hard time hearing your voice?
 
Christina Kann  03:24
Nobody, I'm doing it preemptively. Our patrons help us be able to do really awesome things like that. Speaking of the Patreon, please join us! Support our efforts to be as inclusive as possible by becoming a patron. You can find that link in the show notes. Alright, that's quite enough. We have some really awesome emails from listeners, we have some questions from some of our patrons, and I also have some discussion topics as well. But before we get started, Grace, Mary-Peyton, I know you've read this book a lot. I have also read it a lot. I just wanted to start with getting Brooke's one-minute summary of the Goblet of Fire. Are you up for that, babe?
 
Brooke Matherly  04:08
Oh, boy. Okay. All right, hold on.
 
Grace Ball  04:11
If anyone can do this, it's Brooke.
 
Christina Kann  04:13
Hey, Siri, set a timer for one minute.
 
Siri  04:16
One minute counting down.
 
Brooke Matherly  04:20
Okay, so this . . . Oh, Lord. This book, I haven't read in ages. So this is gonna be primarily me describing the movie, which I have seen far more often, to you. But it's generally that we all arrive at Hogwarts and Dumbledore's like "Hey, spoiler alert: this year, someone else is gonna die. Hey, just kidding. Um, no, seriously, people could die this year. We're doing a whole-ass tournament." And after like a lot of like male ego posturing, the other schools show up. Apparently in all the magical world, there's like one French school full of chicks and there's like one Bulgarian school full of dudes. I already fucked up because I missed the entire beginning where we take a portkey to the whole-ass broom-flying -- Quidditch, that's the word. Man, I'm rusty.
 
Christina Kann  05:07
Ten seconds.
 
Brooke Matherly  05:08
And Death Eater show up and they like burn that ish to the ground. Okay, so now we're back at school, right?
 
Christina Kann  05:13
Four seconds.
 
Brooke Matherly  05:14
We're like, okay, we're gonna do this whole tournament, we do the tournament. Harry gets stuck in a maze. All of a sudden, he's trying to kiss a girl. No, nevermind. It's Cedric, Cedric's dead, oh, my God, MY BOY!!!
 
Christina Kann  05:24
Well done.
 
Grace Ball  05:25
I think that was pretty good.
 
Christina Kann  05:26
Yeah, that was one minute. Thank you so much. That's really important context for this episode and for our listeners moving forward. Brooke, do you remember reading this book for the first time?
 
Brooke Matherly  05:37
Yes. This was the first book where I was old enough and caught up enough with this series where I had been like actually reading along that I got to go to a midnight book release. This was my first Harry Potter midnight book release.
 
Christina Kann  05:49
And they were like, "Here, child, have some trauma."
 
Grace Ball  05:52
And you said, "Thank you very much. I'll take it."
 
Brooke Matherly  05:55
I said, "I'm going to stay up and not sleep and not eat anything until I've read this book."
 
Grace Ball  05:59
And this is the first long one. So that was a real commitment.
 
Christina Kann  06:03
It is 730 something pages.
 
Brooke Matherly  06:07
I mean, it's honestly a good thing that this book came after the books had already gotten successful. Because could you imagine trying to convince a publisher to publish a 700? page? children's book?
 
Christina Kann  06:19
No, I mean, hard no. At Brandylane, we automatically reject manuscripts of a certain length.
 
Grace Ball  06:27
We'll check the word count, and then if it's too high, we say "Sorry!"
 
Christina Kann  06:30
Sorry, we just can't. Awesome. So Mary-Peyton, do you remember reading this for the first time? How do you feel about this book? Where does it rank for you?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  06:42
Yeah. Well, whenever someone asks me which is my favorite book, I always say the seventh one, because it wraps everything up. It's so dark. It's so good. But that one I like because it's like the ending one. It makes sense that that is my favorite of the series. This one really is my favorite book on its own. And yeah, I definitely remember reading this for the first time. Of all the books, I think I remember this one the most going to the book release, and the book was huge, like double the size of the one before -- maybe -- wait, how many--? Do we know how many pages--?
 
Christina Kann  07:17
I think it is possibly like almost three times as long as the previous one. It is absolutely double Book Three.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  07:25
Which was just the most exciting thing for me as a kid who was just obsessed with reading anyways.
 
Christina Kann  07:31
Do y'all remember if we knew ahead of time that it was gonna be so long or if that just really caught everyone off guard?
 
Brooke Matherly  07:39
I remember being at the party, and whether or not the information was publicly available, I remember the first person getting their book because we could see them in line, and they held it up and they were like, "Oh my god, it's so big."
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  07:51
A small like, seven year old child is trying to carry this 20 pound book out.
 
Brooke Matherly  07:56
Notably chunky book.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  07:59
I remember hearing that it was going to be that long before getting it. I don't know how or if I'm just making that up. But I do remember hearing that. And I remember staying up way too late on a school night finishing this book, because it was so freakin good.
 
Christina Kann  08:18
Yeah. It's amazing how fast you can read this book. Here's a little confession time. Here's a little look behind the curtain. I just finished reading this book today, because I'm trying this new thing where I'm really prepared for the podcast that I run. So if I seem freshly traumatized by the story, it's because I absolutely am. It reads so quickly. I was reading like 300 pages of this book in one sitting. It's just absolutely astounding. Grace, what about you? Where does this book fall on your ranking? Do you remember reading it as a kid? What's going on?
 
Grace Ball  08:55
So I don't know if this was the first time I read it. But I did have it read to me. My step-mom, for some reason, read this book and only this book to us kids.
 
Christina Kann  09:06
That's a lot of words.
 
Grace Ball  09:07
So you know, that was kind of cool. I definitely remember her reading like the whole Yule Ball scene. I don't know why.
 
Christina Kann  09:14
That's really awkward. You were like, "Someone is getting felt up in the bushes right now."
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  09:20
Snogging.
 
Grace Ball  09:21
Uh huh. Yeah, again, but this one is definitely my favorite book. So I'm so excited for the reread.
 
Christina Kann  09:27
Yeah, I mean, it's good. It really is. This is the moment where the author who shall not be named started, I think, really trusting the readers. There is so much that goes on in this book. And also it's the first story that Harry gets caught up in that isn't just because he was meddling. This is happening to him, you know?
 
Grace Ball  09:51
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  09:51
He really doesn't do like almost anything wrong in this whole book. Whereas before, it's like, "Let me go really involve myself in this." So I think also it's the first book where you can kind of actually really root for Harry in a real way.
 
Grace Ball  10:07
Yeah, I do feel like the whole time you kind of feel bad for Harry.
 
Christina Kann  10:11
God so bad for him. Every fucking word from cover to cover. From from the womb to the tomb -- Harry, are you okay? God -- and just -- okay. So like I said, freshly traumatized, trying to move on. So let's start with an email from Jim. Hey, Jim, thank you so much for your email. Jim says, "Hey, I noticed how you said that muggleborns in Harry Potter don't always think to use magic immediately. And it reminded me how in Avatar, The Legend of Korra: Book Three" -- Spoiler alert! I'm saying it before I say the spoiler. Spoiler alert for Legend of Korra at the end of it!
 
Grace Ball  10:52
Dang it.
 
Brooke Matherly  10:52
Wait, Grace. Have you not seen it?
 
Grace Ball  10:54
No.
 
Christina Kann  10:56
Oh, really? Wait, why did I think you had seen a what? Okay, for real. skip ahead to 13 minutes and three seconds, if you would. Mary-Peyton, wait, do you even watch Avatar? I haven't. Okay, well, that's fine. I don't mind spoiling someone who has never seen it.
 
Grace Ball  11:11
I've never seen Korra, which is a mistake.
 
Brooke Matherly  11:13
Do you need to abscond yourself for this email?
 
Grace Ball  11:15
Let me just remove the headphones. Just give me some hand waving when it's okay.
 
Christina Kann  11:20
Mary-Peyton, do you want to abscond, or are you good?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  11:22
I kind of want to because I still want to see it.
 
Christina Kann  11:25
Alright, take your headphones off.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  11:26
We're just gonna stare at you the whole time, though.
 
Christina Kann  11:28
It's not a question. It's just a cute little parallel. Bye. Bye, everyone. Wow, I thought that I had calculated this correctly, and I had not. Okay. Jim says, "I noticed how you said that muggleborns in Harry Potter don't always think to use magic immediately. And it reminded me how in Legend of Korra: Book Three, the new airbenders behave similarly, where they don't always have the immediate instinct to use their newfound abilities and instead opt for more elaborate plans and maneuvers to escape trouble. I thought that was a very interesting parallel.
 
Brooke Matherly  11:58
That is interesting. I mean, do we really see that play out as much in Harry Potter as we do in Legend of Korra?
 
Christina Kann  12:07
The one thing I'm thinking of is when Hermione is like "Light of fire? But there's no wood!" and Ron has to be like "Are you witch or not?"
 
Brooke Matherly  12:16
Yes.
 
Christina Kann  12:17
One really aggressive example.
 
Brooke Matherly  12:19
But that's like a dropping the ball example. I was wondering if there's like an opposite, you know, where it's a thing where it's like, Hey, we're gonna like . . . I don't know. I guess it's always dropping the ball if you're not thinking to use magic first.
 
Christina Kann  12:30
Yeah. And it's also hard with our characters because Ron is such a dunce and Hermione is so sharp, you know? So it's not the perfect example of a wizardborn to muggleborn situation.
 
Brooke Matherly  12:41
I would like to see more Harry moments. If I could have the series rewritten, I'd like to see more Harry moments of Harry really adjusting to life at Hogwarts because quite frankly, he accepts magic very quickly and falls right into it. He doesn't seem to have any muggle instincts.
 
Christina Kann  12:57
He's just really ready for like anything different.
 
Brooke Matherly  12:59
Yes.
 
Christina Kann  13:00
Okay. I'm going to call the girls back.
 
Brooke Matherly  13:01
Yep.
 
Christina Kann  13:04
Okay, great. And so that's how Sokka ends up killing Katara at the end, and it's like really sad.
 
Grace Ball  13:10
Wait, what?
 
Christina Kann  13:11
I'm just kidding! That would never happen. Not my Sokka.
 
Grace Ball  13:27
No way.
 
Christina Kann  13:28
Okay, here's our next email. Okay, are there any spoilers here? Okay. This is from Foster, one of our new patrons and one of our new friends on the Discord. Hi, Foster, thank you for the email. Foster sent us a list of questions that we may want to discuss.
 
Brooke Matherly  13:44
A list of questions is not a thing I'm particularly optimistic about, I'm not gonna lie.
 
Christina Kann  13:50
I did solicit lists of questions from our listeners.
 
Grace Ball  13:54
So they're following instructions.
 
Christina Kann  13:55
Foster was following my explicit directions. In fact, I posted in the Discord I got this email from Foster approximately 15 minutes later. God bless Foster.
 
Grace Ball  14:04
Foster's the MVP.
 
Brooke Matherly  14:05
Foster, I apologize. You did so well. Good job.
 
Christina Kann  14:09
Okay, Foster asks, "What has been your least favorite chapter so far?"
 
Grace Ball  14:16
Of of all of them?
 
Christina Kann  14:17
Yeah. Let's say in the first three books.
 
Grace Ball  14:20
Well, Brooke's is going to be a Quidditch chapter.
 
Brooke Matherly  14:22
Yes, that's exactly where I was going. The first time he plays Quidditch and catches the Snitch in his mouth is truly just the worst chapter to read.
 
Christina Kann  14:33
And let's say least favorite chapter, not least favorite episode, because we have had on some really excellent guests for some really bad chapters because they make up for the bad chapters.
 
Brooke Matherly  14:42
Oh, God. Yes. The only reason we have ever been able to do an interesting Quidditch chapter is because of Adal Rifai.
 
Christina Kann  14:51
God bless Adal.
 
Brooke Matherly  14:53
Respect on his name, God bless him.
 
Christina Kann  14:55
Any other least favorite chapters?
 
Grace Ball  14:56
I think all of the first chapters so far have been pretty weak, and that's why I'm excited about this first chapter, because it is not weak.
 
Christina Kann  15:04
Spoiler alert. The second chapter sucks worse than they usually do.
 
Grace Ball  15:09
Oh no, I don't remember that.
 
Christina Kann  15:12
Well, because it's literally just like okay, let's put this cool chapter first and then it's like, okay, well the next chapter is *scathing* "HARRY POTTER WAS A VERY UNSUAL BOY."
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  15:22
Yeah, this one, the second chapter is what's normally the first chapter where it's reminding us where we are in case you decided to start with book four in a series.
 
Brooke Matherly  15:33
Could you imagine starting with book four, getting super super into this first cool chapter -- cuz this is the one that starts with like Nagini and the dude --
 
Christina Kann  15:42
Yeah, right. Nagini and the dude is the name of my grunge band, actually.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  15:47
That's the name of my OnlyFans.
 
Grace Ball  15:51
Spicy!
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  15:53
Yes, Brooke, but I see where you're going.
 
Brooke Matherly  15:55
You know like to be like, hey, actually, I did just decide to pick this up a book four and see how it goes. And you're like, "Oh, this is dope as hell" and then the second chapter is *scathingly* "Harry Potter is a very special boy."
 
Christina Kann  16:06
*scathing* He has some cakes in his floorboards.
 
Brooke Matherly  16:09
*scathing* You may think this is just a normal boy, but I already told you he's special. Do you want to know how he's special? He's *magic*
 
Grace Ball  16:15
There is a real possibility that Mats started with book four and I don't even remember if that's true but he definitely read them all out of order.
 
Christina Kann  16:23
I wrote it down somewhere in the order that he -- I think he started with book five actually.
 
Grace Ball  16:28
I think he did.
 
Christina Kann  16:29
If I remember correctly. Catch Mats on our next week's episode covering Chapter One of Goblet of Fire, me, Haley, and Mats. Um, yeah, I would have to agree that my least favorite chapter so far would be the Chamber of Secrets or Prisoner of Azkaban first chapter, I would have to re-examine them to remember which one is worse because they are so deeply forgettable.
 
Grace Ball  16:50
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  16:51
Mary-Peyton, what about you?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  16:53
I mean, probably the the intro chapters would be my -- I mean, that would just make sense. I love the chapters about just like general school, like their classes and stuff. The ones that like harp on the Draco Harry rivalry, when they really harp on it, like a like a teenager would, you know, like or a preteen would, just talking about other classmates over and over.
 
Christina Kann  17:22
Okay, next Foster asks, What is our favorite chapter so far? I know it's that one's harder. I mean, I really love the whole climax several chapters in a row of Prisoner of Azkaban. I really like when they're learning everything, and they're creeping around in like the Halloween dark -- even though it's June, it's very Halloweeny. So I would say one of those; I'm not sure exactly which.
 
Brooke Matherly  17:53
Ugh, is this the right time for me to admit that I don't like Harry Potter?
 
Christina Kann  17:58
Wow, how do I say this? You are fired.
 
Brooke Matherly  18:03
Okay, I was I was I hired at any point?
 
Grace Ball  18:07
Yeah, you were interviewed for this position. What?
 
Brooke Matherly  18:12
My general demeanor is my interview for this position.
 
Christina Kann  18:16
That's true. It's true.
 
Brooke Matherly  18:17
Y'all need someone who is going to button with an "actually" at every given opportunity, and that is the role that I fill. Haley and I trade off that responsibility.
 
Christina Kann  18:31
Yeah, any other notable favorite chapters?
 
Grace Ball  18:33
Probably like all the other ones.
 
Christina Kann  18:35
Okay, the ones besides the first ones.
 
Grace Ball  18:37
Yes.
 
Brooke Matherly  18:37
I really like the chapter as we're exiting the Chamber of Secrets because it's like relief after relief after relief.
 
Christina Kann  18:45
When he finds Ron and Fawkes carries them away.
 
Brooke Matherly  18:49
Yes, and then they see their parents and Fawkes is there and everything. Interspaced throughout all of this is just Gilderoy Lockhart being a damn dumbass in the back, like, "Who am I? Where are we?"
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  19:00
Can I talk about one from the this book?
 
Brooke Matherly  19:04
No, so far.
 
Christina Kann  19:10
Just to clarify, Foster did say so far.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  19:15
Okay. Well, then I don't know. I guess it's more based on events that happened, but like, so far I really love when Harry is at the lake and he realizes that it's him who casts the Patonus and not his father that pops out. He just does it so quickly, without really any thought, he realizes he's the only one who's here to do this thing.
 
Christina Kann  19:43
Gryffindor reflexes.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  19:44
Man, I just love that moment. So much.
 
Grace Ball  19:46
I also really love the chapter where Harry's in the Forbidden Forest and he has that interaction with Firenze.
 
Christina Kann  19:54
Oh, yeah, that is a great one.
 
Grace Ball  19:56
I really like that one.
 
Christina Kann  19:57
Yeah, it's one of those that has so many more layers in the book than it does in the movies.
 
Grace Ball  20:05
Yeah. And it all makes so much more sense once you've read the rest of the books, and it's like, wow, the seeds were planted.
 
Christina Kann  20:13
Yeah, yes.
 
Brooke Matherly  20:15
My favorite thing about that chapter is it inspired a conversation that has resulted in me having a half-nude picture of me as a centaur hung up next to my desk in my bedroom.
 
Christina Kann  20:25
That's also my favorite part of that chapter. Weird.
 
Grace Ball  20:29
I just connect so much with that chapter, I don't know why.
 
Brooke Matherly  20:33
My favorite thing -- when I read in public with the bookmark that is me as a centaur, I always feel like I have to flip it over. I've had people see me take it out of the book before and just kind of like doubletake.
 
Christina Kann  20:49
Just imagine having to explain it.
 
Brooke Matherly  20:51
Do you have a centaur pinup picture of yourself on your bookmark?
 
Christina Kann  20:56
Full NSFW? Oh, no, the bookmark --
 
Brooke Matherly  20:59
The bookmark, I have pasties.
 
Christina Kann  21:01
Technically pasties. Although you would still get some weird looks if you whipped that out at work.
 
Brooke Matherly  21:07
Yes.
 
Christina Kann  21:10
Foster next asks, "If this series had to be written from another character's perspective, who would you choose?" And Foster personally chooses Luna Lovegood.
 
Brooke Matherly  21:22
Aw, that's an awesome choice. I don't know that the story would have enough cohesive elements if it was written through Luna's perspective.
 
Grace Ball  21:29
That'd be okay, though. I feel like that would be fine.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  21:32
I feel like that would be one of the most different vibes from Harry that you can possibly get.
 
Christina Kann  21:37
Why is this like an abstract purple as hell magical realism book suddenly? Like this is not the same tone at all.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  21:45
You wouldn't know whether things were really happening or if they were just in her mind.
 
Christina Kann  21:49
Yeah.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  21:50
That'd be pretty cool, actually.
 
Christina Kann  21:52
Unreliable narrator. Maybe we all choose what you choose, Foster.
 
Brooke Matherly  21:55
I think I would like a Wicked-style rendition where it is either Crabbe or Goyle's perspective of them actually doing all the things that Malfoy gets credited with in the background.
 
Christina Kann  22:07
Oh my gosh, that's funny. I was gonna say Malfoy. I think that would be really interesting to see kind of his whole ... I mean, he's really terrible to Harry, but like, I mean, his life is also terrible. So yeah. Any other ideas? Any other wise ideas?
 
Grace Ball  22:23
I have a wise idea.
 
Christina Kann  22:25
You always do, Little Miss Ravenclaw.
 
Grace Ball  22:27
How about Neville Longbottom?
 
Christina Kann  22:29
That would be a good one. That's almost kind of like Wayne from Puffs. Sorry to keep bringing up puffs.
 
Grace Ball  22:38
No, I love it.
 
Christina Kann  22:39
It's from the Hufflepuff perspective. Neville, I understand is not a Hufflepuff, but like, isn't he?
 
Grace Ball  22:46
Right.
 
Brooke Matherly  22:47
He's got big puff energy.
 
Grace Ball  22:49
Yes.
 
Brooke Matherly  22:50
Yeah. I'm really distracted because Haley's texting the group chat about Cats. I'm gonna turn my phone over. You would think that we had actually harmed her by making her watch that movie.
 
Grace Ball  23:05
Oh, I didn't realize we were talking about that cats, not real cats.
 
Christina Kann  23:07
Yeah, Cats 2019, sorry.
 
Grace Ball  23:09
I got you.
 
Christina Kann  23:11
If you could design a Triwizard Tournament challenge, what would you choose? Giant chess.
 
Grace Ball  23:20
I was gonna say the potions one but --
 
Brooke Matherly  23:22
Oh, yeah, the potions from the first one is a good option.
 
Christina Kann  23:27
Cedric would be out because he's really nice and brave and cool, but he is not super smart.
 
Brooke Matherly  23:36
I think I would do something -- I mean, this is just me being dumb -- but I would love to have them all come into a room like fully prepped and then it's just a bunch of like Sudoku puzzles.
 
Christina Kann  23:50
Crossword.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  23:52
Yeah, I would love some sort of muggle task.
 
Christina Kann  23:57
Minesweeper.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  23:58
Yeah. Oh my god.
 
Christina Kann  24:05
I wish I could take some of my skill points out of Minesweeper and put them into like, hand-eye coordination or like volume control. I am so I'm unreasonably good at Minesweeper.
 
Brooke Matherly  24:18
I would also like to see a wizard version of it like a triathlon or maybe they have to like run and then swim through the lake without getting eaten by anything and then like fly a crazy course around all the turrets of Hogwarts castle.
 
Christina Kann  24:31
I love that. Or how about like a roller derby?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  24:35
Ooh, yes.
 
Brooke Matherly  24:36
Yeah, I could see that.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  24:37
What about like a Hunger Games situation?
 
Christina Kann  24:39
Oh, Hunger Games, fight to the death.
 
Grace Ball  24:42
That's what they're doing!
 
Brooke Matherly  24:44
Actually, I just remembered that Lupin did that whole dark arts obstacle course for them at the end of Book 3. I want to just see a dark arts obstacle course.
 
Christina Kann  24:52
Okay, cool. These are some good ideas.
 
Grace Ball  24:54
I was thinking just like debate. You know? What are everybody's political views? You know what I mean?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  25:01
Typical Ravenclaw right there.
 
Christina Kann  25:03
I mean, the scoring system is just absolutely fucked because two of the five judges for the Triwizard Tournament are running your competing schools. So it's like, sure, let it be super subjective because you could do it perfectly and still get a bad score.
 
Brooke Matherly  25:19
Also, debate feels really unfair considering two of the other three people are going to be doing English as a second language for the debate. That's true. Okay. Never mind. It's a terrible idea.
 
Christina Kann  25:31
First of all, wow, Florida, like core Fleur Delacour would turn on the Veela charm for that, and also Viktor Krum is so awkward. He's so awkward. He probably would just be like "I fold" and walk away.
 
Grace Ball  25:43
It would be entertaining, though, at the very least.
 
Christina Kann  25:45
Just Harry and Fleur kind of getting into it, snd then Cedric really calm, cool, and collected in the middle. Krum has tapped out.
 
Grace Ball  25:54
I just feel like Harry would be so silly in a debate setting.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  25:59
Yeah, he would handle that pressure well, at all.
 
Christina Kann  26:02
No need to call me sir. Professor.
 
Grace Ball  26:05
He'd be like, "Uh, Hermione?"
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  26:08
Can I get a sub?
 
Christina Kann  26:09
"Can I phone a friend?" They're like, "What's a phone?"
 
Grace Ball  26:12
Oh, yeah. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Who Wants to Be a Triwizard Champion?
 
Christina Kann  26:20
Okay, Foster's next question. Thank you so much for all these excellent questions. Foster. Foster asks, "If you could turn into a magical creature, what would it be?"
 
Brooke Matherly  26:32
Literally a centaur.
 
Christina Kann  26:36
Yeah, I don't know if this is like animagus status, which like, I don't think you can turn into like another sentience creature.
 
Brooke Matherly  26:46
I mean, animals are sentient.
 
Christina Kann  26:49
Um, no.
 
Brooke Matherly  26:52
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  26:53
Doesn't "sentient" mean that you're aware that you're aware?
 
Brooke Matherly  26:57
Yeah, I feel like dogs clear that bar.
 
Christina Kann  27:01
Well, I'm googling "define sentience," but I think that that's one of those things that's like a philosophical question.
 
Grace Ball  27:07
Wow.
 
Christina Kann  27:07
I'm going to go ahead and see Webster's real quick.
 
Grace Ball  27:09
Okay, perfect.
 
Brooke Matherly  27:11
If I have to turn into an animal, like an animal animal, then actually I would love to be a poisonous spider. I feel like that would be very useful as an animagus. And it's not necessarily a magical creature. But I think the act of turning into it is magical. So...
 
Christina Kann  27:30
First of all, how dare Merriam-Webster's define "sentience" as "a sentient quality or state"? I'm mad and I quit.
 
Grace Ball  27:39
Not helpful.
 
Christina Kann  27:41
I'd probably be a dog. Or like a like a lynx. Like a medium-sized furry pawed, four-pawed -- just like run around, romp around.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  27:50
Does it have to be a magical creature?
 
Christina Kann  27:52
I don't think so.
 
Grace Ball  27:54
Oh, I thought you said magical.
 
Brooke Matherly  27:55
He did say magical creature.
 
Christina Kann  27:56
OH, they did say magical creature. Okay, I guess when I read this, because I just finished reading Goblet of Fire, I was thinking Animagus, so Brooke I actually will allow the centaur.
 
Brooke Matherly  28:08
Good. Chop my bottom half off; it's not my best half. Replace it with a horse and I am rolling.
 
Christina Kann  28:18
Okay then I would like to be I would like to be the erumpet from Fantastic Beasts. You know, the big lumpy thing? She's so cute.
 
Grace Ball  28:34
Aw, she's a good one. I kind of want to be a dragon.
 
Brooke Matherly  28:40
Do you have a species of dragon?
 
Grace Ball  28:44
Oh...
 
Christina Kann  28:45
You would be a nice Swedish Shortsnout or the Welsh Green. You know? Something kind of mellow. You're not a Norwegian Ridgeback.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  28:54
What about a Spirited Away type dragon? Like a Falchor-type doggish dragon.
 
Grace Ball  29:03
Yeah, I'll take it.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  29:04
I was thinking about saying dragon because I would definitely want to be anything that flies. So as long as it flies. And for some reason what's coming to my mind is the -- this isn't a magical creature, but the giant Golden Eagle from The Rescuers Down Under. Do y'all remember that movie?
 
Grace Ball  29:20
Yeah!
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  29:20
I don't know, I think I watched it at a time when I was a kid where I was just like obsessed with it.
 
Christina Kann  29:23
I forgot to think of any magical creatures outside this canon.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  29:28
That's probably what Foster meant, honestly. But just like some sort of giant bird.
 
Christina Kann  29:34
Yeah. The Eagles.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  29:37
Yeah, yes, the Eagles. Capital E.
 
Brooke Matherly  29:40
Once again, real animal. Haast Eagle is what you want to be. It's extinct now. Everyone must look them up. I don't know if I've brought it up on this podcast.
 
Christina Kann  29:50
You have, and I think we've linked in the show notes, but I'll link it again. Now they are actually terrifying. They are actually straight-up the Lord of the Rings Eagles, but the ones from Lord of the Rings are magical. So I'll allow it. Okay, last question . . . from Foster. There's a lot more questions. What do you think the wizard drug world is like? That is super interesting.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  30:15
Oh, hmm.
 
Christina Kann  30:17
I've never read really a fantasy book that was edgy. I've read a lot of science fiction books that were edgy in this way where there's like, lots of cool -- "Let me download some malware to my brain microchip and like, trip out for the afternoon," but I've never really encountered like dope, cool fantasy drugs. Have y'all? Or do you have any ideas?
 
Brooke Matherly  30:39
So here's the thing. I feel like the line of what's a drug is gonna be really hard to establish in Harry Potter. Because when you think about the things that muggles do drugs for -- for example, hallucinogens are a category of drug. Right?
 
Christina Kann  30:56
Right.
 
Brooke Matherly  30:57
What's the difference between a hallucinogen and being able to eat a candy where your head literally turns into a fire hydrant or some shit? You know what I mean? They have a lot of things that have like wild bodily effects that are considered to be playthings and not drugs.
 
Christina Kann  31:14
That's true. I think that the difference would be like those are novelties and I would probably be looking for something that's more of like a feeling than like a physical reaction.
 
Grace Ball  31:26
There is that charm. What's it called? It's not the Cheer--
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  31:28
The Cheering Charm.
 
Grace Ball  31:29
Oh, I was like the Cheer-up Charm. That's not right.
 
Christina Kann  31:31
Yeah the Cheering Charm.
 
Brooke Matherly  31:32
Pepper-up Potion.
 
Christina Kann  31:34
They're just like straight rolling after they kind of fuck up the Cheering Charms. They're like rolling for straight hours.
 
Grace Ball  31:40
Ron's just laughing for days.
 
Christina Kann  31:41
He's just laughing! He's like, this is super inappropriate right now.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  31:45
I feel like it would be very similar to the muggle world of drugs, because wizards are still technically humans, so they're still gonna want and be greedy about feeling good, as much as possible. And whether it comes in like a charm form or a pill form, I think it would be the same as here.
 
Brooke Matherly  32:09
But there's just so many things that were already introduced to in the books. Even like Felix Felicis and stuff like that, where it's just like--
 
Christina Kann  32:16
That should be classified as a drug.
 
Grace Ball  32:18
I think so.
 
Brooke Matherly  32:18
They just don't seem to raise to that level in the wizarding world. Emotional effects of potions and charms and objects is not considered to be an experimental or like weird thing like right. Everybody just kind of like is fine with altering their moods through liquids.
 
Christina Kann  32:38
Give me a wizard psychologist who studies this stuff.
 
Brooke Matherly  32:44
I think maybe it's because they know exactly who made it. I don't know; if you know your meth dealer, you probably feel better about it. Right? How does meth work?
 
Christina Kann  32:54
I have spoken about many a drug on this podcast, but I can guarantee I do not know how meth works. I haven't --
 
Grace Ball  33:03
I've watched Breaking Bad, okay?
 
Christina Kann  33:04
I was just about to say, I haven't even seen Breaking Bad.
 
Grace Ball  33:08
Okay, well, I got you there girl.
 
Brooke Matherly  33:09
All right, Grace. Tell us: how does meth work?
 
Grace Ball  33:11
What? Well, first of all, you have to be a chemistry teacher.
 
Christina Kann  33:16
Um, one thing I know for sure is that the wizarding world drug world would probably be as sexist as our contemporary muggle drug world.
 
Grace Ball  33:26
True.
 
Christina Kann  33:27
Thank you so much for your questions. Foster. That was a lot of really fun discussion. And we appreciate your patronage and your email as always. Our next email is from Adele. I think Adele sent me this approximately one day after we stopped the last season and I was like, "Okay, well, I'm gonna save this. I'm gonna use this someday." I think this email is what made me be like, "Hey, maybe we should do a mail episode." So thank you, Adele. Adele says "Hi, The Restricted Section crew. I've had so much fun listening to you all cover my favorite book in the series. And watching the movie alongside you all was such a blast. Haley, you and I will have to work out some sort of compromise on who gets to screw the Sphinx in the Goblet of Fire. Speaking of my least favorite Harry Potter book, I thought it would be fun to ask you all: What is your favorite of the three upcoming Triwizard tasks/which one are you most looking forward to covering and why? Looking forward to hearing more Restricted Section shenanigans on the sports book, where she who must not be named started ignoring her editor and added in crazy, unnecessary worldbuilding. I'm such a fan of this podcast and of the people who make it happen. Love Adele." Adele, we are such a huge fan of you. And thank you so much for this email. Which of the three Triwizard tests are you most looking forward to covering?
 
Brooke Matherly  34:49
I mean, you'd have to be in actual sadist to choose the maze, right?
 
Christina Kann  34:54
Yes, cuz it's boring and then terrible.
 
Grace Ball  34:57
Yes, terrible.
 
Brooke Matherly  34:58
So I like the lake.
 
Grace Ball  35:00
Yeah, oh, well, same.
 
Christina Kann  35:02
I like the lake too.
 
Grace Ball  35:04
It's a great choice, Brooke. I really respect it.
 
Brooke Matherly  35:06
You know what, Grace, great choice for you too. I really like what the answer does and says about you as a person, that you're really intelligent and you understand this series at the core.
 
Grace Ball  35:15
And like I'm a water sign, so --
 
Brooke Matherly  35:17
Oh my god, same.
 
Christina Kann  35:18
Oh my God, same. Oh my god. We did this. We did a bonus episode about houses and horoscopes. All of the women on this podcast are water signs, including Mary Clay, who won't tell us her birthday, and we decided that she's a ... Gemini?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  35:33
I think so.
 
Brooke Matherly  35:34
Does this sound cool to you? If you're a patron, you can listen to it.
 
Christina Kann  35:39
That's true.
 
Grace Ball  35:40
We really sold that, didn't we?
 
Brooke Matherly  35:42
Was that an ad?
 
Christina Kann  35:44
I actually really do enjoy the maze in the books. It is so stressful, so deeply stressful, knowing what is coming at the end of it, but the chapter itself is a lot more exciting in the books. A lot more stuff happens. When you play D&D, when you're like walking from point A to point B, your dungeon master will roll for encounter to see if you run into like any random fuck and then pick a monster at random -- and that's what the maze feels like. "I don't know, just whatever we got. Throw it it em. Let's see." Some of its like, we never learned about it in the whole series. We're just like, "What the fuck is that thing? I don't know. That was scary!" So I like it. I like the vibe. I like that when they walk into it. It like gets silent and scary.
 
Brooke Matherly  36:32
Does the spinx existing and doing riddles indicate that Oedipus Rex is part of the Harry Potter extended universe?
 
Christina Kann  36:40
Wow. I think it just means that JK Rowling read Tolkien and was like, "How do I get a riddle in here for my stupidest character?"
 
Grace Ball  36:52
That much is clear. She certainly read Tolkien.
 
Brooke Matherly  36:56
I would like to instead assume that this was an early race of magical people in Oedipus Rex, and that Oedipus Rex was similar to Harry/Neville situation, cursed by his prophecy, except that they hadn't invented the Hall of Prophecies yet for keeping these things from people until the correct moments, and so they just spit them out at people and he's just wandering through the world trying to make sense of it.
 
Christina Kann  37:23
Wow. What a nightmare to just have prophecy spat at your face.
 
Brooke Matherly  37:29
Worse or better than fucking your mother and killing your father?
 
Christina Kann  37:36
Mary-Peyton, what about you? Which of the tasks are you most excited to revisit?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  37:40
I think, because the dragon one is more like a Quidditch chapter kind of, it gets a little annoying, I would have to say the lake too.
 
Christina Kann  37:54
Yeah.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  37:55
Because whoever wrote it, whoever wrote these books, did a great job of making you really panic and thinking that if Harry doesn't save everyone, they will die. I remember feeling that. And now whenever I reread it or watch the movie, it's so obvious that they wouldn't die down there. They wouldn't let them drown down there. But you feel panicked with him.
 
Christina Kann  38:18
Yeah.
 
Brooke Matherly  38:19
I still don't know that that's true.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  38:22
Oh, that they wouldn't let him die?
 
Brooke Matherly  38:24
Yeah, no, I think Hogwarts would absolutely wait and -- I don't think they would intentionally let them die. I think they would like wait for everyone to come up and be like, "Did we forget a kid in the lake?"
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  38:34
They forget one of them. Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  38:36
That is super valid, Mary-Peyton. That's an example, I think, of a way that Harry's an unreliable narrator, because he builds this scene in which he has no other choice, but he does, and when they break the surface Ron calls him a stupid prat or something for  even considering that this was his responsibility.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  38:59
it really felt so heroic at that time. And of course, obviously, Dumbledore thought it was heroic too, because he gave him more points. But yeah, you realize how dumb it is at the end, but you're still totally in it with him.
 
Christina Kann  39:12
Yeah, absolutely. So here's some additional questions from Adele that she sent us via the Discord. Adele says "Many people mentioned the fourth book as the moment when the series becomes for young adult readers with more maturity rather than for children. Are you looking forward to the tonal shift in the series? And if so, why do you think Goblet of Fire and future books still have any of that childish whimsy and if not, will you miss it?" Great question, Adele. What do we think?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  39:41
I am so excited for that tonal shift. I love that part. And what we were talking about earlier, remembering the first time we read this. I remember specifically, it was like three in the morning, and I was in my room that I currently shared with my little sister, and everyone was asleep, obviously. Getting to the part where it shifts to the graveyard. It was scary because it was like so quiet in my house, and it became so dark, and I was wrapped up, I think, in a way that was different than the first three books, even though those were really engaging. It was just something more magical to me.
 
Christina Kann  40:19
Well, and also the climax resolution of the first three books -- I mean, Sorcerer's Stone and Chamber of Secret -- that's like three chapters, maybe? Prisoner of Azkaban, it's maybe four or five? But the resolution of Goblet of Fire is like 10 straight chapters.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  40:34
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  40:34
It's bonkers.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  40:35
Yeah.
 
Grace Ball  40:36
And I think that is an important thing that's missing from the movie. The movie, it just goes from Cedric's death to -- oop, next day, and I guess everyone's sad, but mostly fine. But the book just really spends a lot of time on that. And I think that's really awesome.
 
Christina Kann  40:56
I mean, I read this this morning. The book drags so much in a way that is very well done between when Harry gets back from the graveyard and when it ends. It is agonizing. And something that I really appreciate is they show Dumbledore and Fudge breaking up in the books. And like in the movies, it's just kind of like, "Well, what do you expect? It's a politician and an educator. They don't see eye to eye ever." But there's like a very realistic, actual breakup. And I think that's a really important part of that denouement, as well. And also, don't even get me started on this Sirius situation. I know. No, I know. Dumbledore is like "Madame Pomfrey, this dog's going to accompany Harry to the hospital wing." And I just wish that when I wasn't feeling good, I could just summon a very well behaved dog to snuggle me, you know?
 
Brooke Matherly  41:51
I don't even necessarily see it as a tonal shift. I like the later books so much more than the early books that when I think back on this series, they all have this tone to me.
 
Christina Kann  42:02
Interesting.
 
Brooke Matherly  42:04
I find elements of the tone of the later books in the earlier books more than vice versa.
 
Christina Kann  42:11
That's a very interesting perspective. You know, apart from the darker tone, we also get more nuanced humor throughout this book, which is so enjoyable, and that really only escalates. I think maybe book seven's like a little bit of an exception, everyone's dying, we're on the run. But the humor to me gets so much more fun. I remember also being a kid and I learned a lot of words from Goblet of Fire, where I don't think the previous three books really taught me a lot of vocabulary. But I, for some reason, really specifically, remember a couple words that I learned from this.
 
Grace Ball  42:47
I'm excited for the tonal shift too. And I think that what's really cool about this book is that I just think following this book, it becomes so much more character-driven. And I don't know if that's like to do with the tone necessarily, but I think that it is at least kind of, and that's just something I really, really enjoyed through the rest of the series.
 
Christina Kann  43:10
Yeah, I think hand-in-hand with that as well, I do really enjoy when the romance starts happening, because it's all so bad. Like there's no good, healthy, saccharine, like "Please, that's enough of this, like straight white romance" -- there's like none of that. It's like all so awkward and bad the whole time. Like every romantic encounter is just like so god awful.
 
Grace Ball  43:35
That's the humor you were talking about.
 
Christina Kann  43:36
Yes! I love it so much.
 
Brooke Matherly  43:38
That's also like what this period of your life is.
 
Christina Kann  43:41
Yes.
 
Brooke Matherly  43:43
You know?
 
Christina Kann  43:43
Absolutely. Adele's next question. "Also, what is your favorite side character introduced in Goblet of Fire? Potential candidates include Winky, Ludo Bagman, Krum." I know some of those may not sound familiar to you, Brooke. Adele goes on to say "We know my answer. I've said it before. I'll say it again. #BerthaJorkinsDeservedBetter." I'm gonna second Bertha jerkins because y'all know I love a well-intentioned idiot who fucks up and everyone hates her, she's the underdog now. I am here for that bitch.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  44:14
She's the one that like disappears, right?
 
Christina Kann  44:17
She disappears -- oh weird -- in the last known hiding spot of Lord Voldemort and let's never look into that. That's probably nothing.
 
Brooke Matherly  44:25
I love to hate Rita Skeeter. I will say as the books progress, we get so many better bad guys. Up until now, Voldemort's just kind of been like looming in the shadows. And there's like one very clear, big bad at the end of everything. And we start to get these really fun, intensely detestable bad guys in the later books, you know, like Umbridge, Rita Skeeter. That is the thing that I really enjoy.
 
Christina Kann  44:56
That's a great point. And now that you brought that up, there are so many bad guys and they're all such different characters. The spectrum from Snape to like -- I'm like, who's even -- like Bellatrix and Fenrir Greyback, and like you said, Umbridge. Even considering Snape's ending, I still consider him to be a nuanced bad guy, you know what I mean? Like, there are some really cool characters that crop up in this. And then there's some characters who are just forever neutral, you know? Kind of like Snape. It's like, are you a good guy? Are you a bad guy? In the end, you're just a guy. And that's part of the story. Or like, fucking Mundungus Fletcher, where it's like, are you a good guy? Technically, but you're kind of a bad guy.
 
Brooke Matherly  45:42
We also get away from the kind of meddling childish bad guys, people like Filch, where it's like, he's just trying to do his damn job. You know what I mean? That's such a hallmark of children's books because adults in positions of annoying authority that keep you from living your dreams are an easy to go to bad guy. But as the books mature, you get actual bad people thrown in there and we kind of move away a little bit from Peeves being the worst thing that happened to you that week.
 
Grace Ball  46:17
Yeah, I think Adele bringing up Winky is good. I am excited to revisit the whole house elves situation.
 
Christina Kann  46:29
Spew.
 
Grace Ball  46:30
This is where that whole thing starts. Yeah, spew starts. Hermione. Oh, Hermione. Oh, girl.
 
Christina Kann  46:37
The book stylizes it. When Hermione is talking, it's in all capitals with punctuation marks like a proper acronym, but when other people are saying it, it's all lowercase. Always in italics every time because everyone's always like *disgusted* "Spew."
 
Grace Ball  46:56
Her intentions are so good. That's just like, wow.
 
Christina Kann  46:59
Yeah, it's also just another example of how JK Rowling, the author -- I'll say her name -- because she hates women, dude. Mike said at once in like chapter two of Sorcerer's Stone, and I just have not stopped thinking about it since. She hates her female character so much. And it's like, "Look at this stupid nagging idiot" the whole book. It's like, "How silly does she look right now?"
 
Grace Ball  47:23
Not great.
 
Christina Kann  47:24
Not great. Mary-Peyton, what about you?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  47:28
I was gonna say Winky because I love her. The poor thing is so torn and like, almost tortured the whole time. And she's so cute. I don't know. I mean, I think you guys kind of nailed it. There are so many new characters in this one of so many different levels of likeability and good and bad and apathetic. I think it goes with the tonal shift -- the the idea of good and evil kind of shifts to this like more adult version of it.
 
Christina Kann  48:02
It's a gradient rather than a binary.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  48:06
Yeah, and we start to realize that often the people that cause the most harm are the people who are either avoidant, like Fudge, you know, trying to pretend like everything's fine. People who are apathetic. You know, that those things can do the most damage.
 
Christina Kann  48:27
Thank you so much, Adele, for all of your questions in your email. We love you a lot. Hey, girl. Email from Mats! Mats says, "Hello there. So I've been listening to the podcast lately, and I keep thinking about Tom Riddle's diary. Do you think Lucius Malfoy wrote in it before planting it on Ginny? 'Dear Tom, Lately, I've been contemplating cutting my hair short. Narcissa got mad at me and said that it's just my midlife crisis talking. What do I do? Please help me, Tom. Best wishes, Lucius'." Mats goes on, "I like to imagine part of the reason why he had to get rid of it was that Narcissa got mad at him for spending more time with the diary than with her. Also, what if Gilderoy Lockhart had picked it up in the bathroom instead of Harry? Don't you think he'd write in it? If so, what would he write? The most vain, self-absorbed shit like how we see him for most of the series? Or the darkest secrets he has? Like all the things we know he did? Also also, am I the only one who feels like picturing Voldemort writing in this diary immediately makes him a lot less threatening and intimidating. Anyway, thank you all for being awesome. I love this podcast. It truly is the highlight of my week. I have the honor to be at your obedient servant, M dot Fur." Well Mats, this podcast is going to be the highlight of my weekend because I'm recording a beautiful episode with you. This is a lot of really good, hilarious points about the diary. Guys, any thoughts, feelings?
 
Brooke Matherly  49:54
I think that Lucius would have absolutely written in the diary, but I think it would just be like horrible fanboy questions. Like "Hey Tom" -- because he knew what this was -- being like "Hey Tom. So like, what's your favorite color? Do you have a favorite food? Like do you like spring or fall?"
 
Christina Kann  50:11
"Do you think it makes me less badass of a Death Eater if I go for this pumpkin spice latte?"
 
Grace Ball  50:18
"Do you think my hair looks box died?"
 
Christina Kann  50:22
Yes.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  50:23
And then later, with like anyone else in the real world, he brings it up all the time. He's like, "Oh my god, Tom was so funny today."
 
Brooke Matherly  50:33
And I once again want to reiterate one of my favorite, darkest fan theories that we came up with on the podcast about Gilderoy Lockhart, is that he is secretly gay. And when he sleeps with men, he tells them all his dark secrets and then he Obliviates them afterward. And that's how he purges it from his system.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  50:49
I hate that theory.
 
Brooke Matherly  50:50
It's not a good theory in that it's like fun, but it's a great theory in that you can immediately see it.
 
Christina Kann  50:57
Okay, it's not it's not fun, though, from like a storytelling perspective. Okay, here's Mats' next question that he asked in the Discord. If you had to choose one Harry Potter spinoff series that you wanted to be made, what would you choose? And I would choose like a Casanova-type Lockhart series where he's burdened with being the protagonist, so he has to like change slightly and take action, you know?
 
Grace Ball  51:20
Mhm. I like that. My theory for Gilderoy writing in the diary, though, is that he doesn't write anything. He just sketches self portraits. And that's it.
 
Christina Kann  51:35
They all look like Greco Roman statues of himself.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  51:39
I was gonna say stick figures.
 
Brooke Matherly  51:43
Does that mean that Tom Riddle writes back art critiques?
 
Christina Kann  51:46
"I don't know how to say this... Your nose is a lot bigger than that."
 
Grace Ball  51:51
I went straight for the nose too in my mind. Definitely comment on the nose. Because you know Voldemort's sensitive about the nose.
 
Christina Kann  51:58
Oh my gosh, I was thinking that Greco Roman statues have big strong noses.
 
Grace Ball  52:03
Oh, yeah. Okay, great.
 
Christina Kann  52:06
I do love the idea of my dear, sweet, stupid Lucius sitting down to write in a diary. He's already not even a remotely threatening character to me. In the beginning, like in Chamber of Secrets, he has the most minimal amount of sway on like the Board of Governors for the school or whatever. But he pretty much goes MIA for the next two books and then comes back as Voldemort's number one coffee bitch. You know, like Lucius Malfoy is the intern who never got promoted.
 
Grace Ball  52:37
Yes, he's giving me like Bo Burnham's Unpaid Intern. You know?
 
Christina Kann  52:43
Yeah, so he's already not very threatening to me, but just picturing him writing in the diary does make it better.
 
Grace Ball  52:51
Wait, is it Lucius or is it Voldemort writing in the diary?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  52:55
Oh, the intimidation, that was Voldemort.
 
Christina Kann  52:58
Oh, well, you know what? I'm just like using these questions like Play Doh to mold my own.
 
Grace Ball  53:02
No, it's good. I like it. I just want to make sure we're answering the questions. You know what I mean?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  53:10
We were talking about TV spin offs. I would love to see a Big Brother-type show but with all the kids in the dorms, and they'd have a confession camera.
 
Christina Kann  53:20
Ooh, that's good.
 
Grace Ball  53:22
I like that.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  53:24
I'd like that.
 
Brooke Matherly  53:25
I would like to have a spin off series of like young McGonagall and younger Dumbledore having adventures together. Also because -- I believe this was included in Pottermore material later -- but at some point McGonagall was married and living in Hogsmeade and commuted into Hogwarts.
 
Christina Kann  53:45
Yes.
 
Brooke Matherly  53:46
And so, I want to see all of that. I want to know how she got all this experience. Like, I want to know what she was like when she was young, wild, and free.
 
Christina Kann  53:55
Oh my god. Have you all seen the movie The House with a Clock in Its Walls?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  53:59
Yes.
 
Christina Kann  54:00
Okay, well, there's a very adorable, deeply platonic adult friendship -- adult wizard friendship -- in that movie that I think is actually probably like straight up a younger McGonagall and Dumbledore were like. Just constantly dissing each other in the most intelligent, mutual, loving way.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  54:22
Yeah, and they get really snippy with each other and they know each other's flaws. Teah, that would be beautiful.
 
Christina Kann  54:29
Yeah, great team. You love to see it.
 
Grace Ball  54:31
Okay, other end of the spectrum. Hear me out: Love Island.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  54:40
With like the faculty?
 
Grace Ball  54:43
It would have to be, right?
 
Christina Kann  54:44
Yes.
 
Brooke Matherly  54:46
I would honestly love to see a Love Island concept with the obscure Order adults. You know what I mean? Get like, you know, Bill and Charlie up in that bitch. Yeah, you know I mean, toss Moody in there. See how that goes.
 
Christina Kann  55:02
I'm really excited to hang out with Bill and Charlie in this book.
 
Grace Ball  55:06
Yeah me too.
 
Christina Kann  55:07
At length.
 
Grace Ball  55:08
Oh yeah.
 
Christina Kann  55:09
*sensually* at LENGTH.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  55:12
Whatever length that may be.
 
Brooke Matherly  55:14
I'm more of a girth girl.
 
Christina Kann  55:17
Brooke, that's not the first time you've said that to me this week. Why were we talking about that already this week?
 
Brooke Matherly  55:21
Because I like a girthy dick.
 
Christina Kann  55:25
A couple other questions. These are ones that I wrote. Just three. Who has been your favorite character so far in the trilogy based on their behavior in the first three books?
 
Grace Ball  55:39
It's gotta be Harry Potter. No. Just kidding. Just kidding.
 
Christina Kann  55:43
For me, I think it's maybe McGonagall. She's strong. I have so many questions. Like, I just love her spirit. Whenever I see her, I'm like, Good, okay, we're safe now.
 
Grace Ball  55:56
Yeah, I mean, it's hard for me to only consider the first three books. So I was gonna say Molly Weasley, but--
 
Christina Kann  56:04
She's kind of just a nag in the first three books.
 
Grace Ball  56:06
Yeah, that's not great. But I feel like she has some good moments in this book.
 
Christina Kann  56:13
God, there's just so much stuff that happens in this book.
 
Grace Ball  56:15
I know, I'm so excited.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  56:19
I think I like Ron a lot, if it was just based on the first three books. I mean, I still love Ron a lot, but I feel like he'd probably be my favorite because he's just, he's funny, and he's such a great friend through all of it.
 
Christina Kann  56:32
Yeah.
 
Brooke Matherly  56:34
I would also say Ron, I don't know. He's got like, a whole personality in the books, you know?
 
Grace Ball  56:41
Yeah. It's surprising.
 
Brooke Matherly  56:43
He's funny, and he's charming. And he's like, he's not great at school, but he's not not a smart guy. You know what I mean?
 
Christina Kann  56:50
I'd give him a chance.
 
Brooke Matherly  56:52
I was like, hardcore team Ron, in terms of being a young girl and being like, "If I could date any of these boys -- if I could snog -- it would have been Ron."
 
Grace Ball  57:05
Yeah, me too.
 
Christina Kann  57:06
I really don't remember having crushes on either of them. Which feels so weird to me because I was not not a horny preteen -- like I definitely was -- but I don't know if they were just like unsexy to me and I was into other hotter stuff like Twilight, etcetera.
 
Grace Ball  57:23
Not hot enough!
 
Brooke Matherly  57:26
Imagine getting that note from your publisher. "I don't know if this book is hot enough."
 
Christina Kann  57:34
It's for children?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  57:36
It's about children?
 
Grace Ball  57:38
No, no, I hear you. But the note stands.
 
Brooke Matherly  57:41
You've already got them making out; I just feel like maybe go further with that.
 
Christina Kann  57:47
I like those answers. I knowmy first choice was the most serious character in the entire first three books. But my second choice is Fred and George because they carry like 90% of the comedic writing in the first three books. Other people get funny. Harry Potter gets much funnier, like the narration. I think that's partially Harry Potter becoming more informed, becoming an adult. But I think it's also partially Rowldemort becoming like a more competent writer who is more stylized and more secure in their voice. So what has been different for you on this read of the first three books that is different from previous reads?
 
Brooke Matherly  58:27
Well, I remember them now. So that's nice.
 
Christina Kann  58:30
Yes.
 
Brooke Matherly  58:31
Because, you know, again, I think I've said it before, this was my first time rereading the books since ever, since I originally read them.
 
Christina Kann  58:39
Yeah. So this is your first time reading them with any kind of critical training, any kind of literary background, and your whole adult brain.
 
Brooke Matherly  58:48
Yeah. And like, surprisingly, my whole adult brain developed okay. And it's been interesting. I was really shocked by the amount of like raw child abuse that goes on in these books.
 
Grace Ball  59:01
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  59:01
Yeah, that doesn't get better.
 
Brooke Matherly  59:04
As an adult, that's shocking. I think as a kid you just don't think about it.
 
Christina Kann  59:10
As a kid you're like, "What if I was in an abusive household and then I got told I was a wizard and then I got to go to really dangerous school where I had to like do all these grown up fights -- like what if that happened to me and there was no one else who could do it? It was just me?"
 
Brooke Matherly  59:24
But the actual undertone of that is always, What if you're normal? But you're not normal; you're special. And as a kid, you're like, "I am special." And as an adult, you're like, "No one's fucking special. You're not special. Gandhi is not special. The Queen of fucking England isn't special. Go sit the fuck down."
 
Grace Ball  59:40
Yeah, basically.
 
Brooke Matherly  59:41
But also don't hurt people needlessly.
 
Christina Kann  59:43
Right, yes.
 
Grace Ball  59:45
Yeah, I mean, definitely. Wow. never read them so slowly.
 
Christina Kann  59:51
That's for damn sure.
 
Grace Ball  59:53
--as we have on the on the cast.
 
Christina Kann  59:56
It's good for you. It's good to pace yourself.
 
Grace Ball  59:59
No, it is good.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:00
It's like how when I have Goldfish cracker snacks, I eat them with chopsticks so that I can only eat them one at a time. It's like a built in pacing mechanism.
 
Grace Ball  1:00:09
That's how I eat Hot Cheetos. But that's mostly because of the red dye.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:14
Yes. Oh my gosh, my plug for this week is please use chopsticks to eat almost all snacks.
 
Grace Ball  1:00:18
Yeah, it's really good. It's a good call. I endorse that.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:23
Um, okay, great.
 
Grace Ball  1:00:24
I guess that was the end of what I was gonna say.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:26
I guess none of us have ever read it for the purpose of a podcast. That's something we have in common.
 
Grace Ball  1:00:31
I've never thought about it as much as I have.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:34
I've barely even thought about it. I've mentioned this before that the first time I read them, I was eight. And as an adult, all of the 15 times I've read them since then, every single one of those rereads was informed by my first interpretation of them.
 
Grace Ball  1:00:51
Exactly, and I'm like "That's how it is."
 
Christina Kann  1:00:53
Yes. So like rereading them this time has just absolutely blasted my brain open in the Harry Potter universe. And I'm so grateful.
 
Grace Ball  1:01:00
Plus, with everybody else's perspectives on the podcast, I'm just like, "Damn, I got some smart friends, by the way. That's pretty cool."
 
Christina Kann  1:01:07
Yes. And now, I'm like fully convinced that Snape was in love with James, you know? Everything is different now. Mary-Peyton, what about you?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  1:01:19
Probably analyzing the rules of the world outside of the storyline. You know, reading, like, I'm sure I analyzed it a lot the million times that I read it before this podcast, and I know I did. But analyzing at that level was just like, "Why does that work here? Like, how does that work again?" But with the podcast, we just go on these tangents of talking about: Okay, what does that mean for the rest of the wizarding world? Like we were talking about the drugs of the wizarding world. You know, I don't think I've ever thought about that before.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:01:56
I will say that this podcast has caused Harry Potter to infect my entire life in terms of moving through the world. I think about Harry Potter more than I've ever thought about Harry Potter in my life, I relate it to just about everything. It's really good in a business setting; you're really helping me with my job.
 
Christina Kann  1:02:19
I do relate to that deeply. I'm the Harry Potter friend. Everyone mentions it to me always. When there's a really good TikTok, I get it sent to me like seven or eight times. That being said, if you see something funny, and you want to send it to me, please continue to do so because a lot of my friends send me really hilarious stuff. And I use it for this podcast's social media accounts. So I am grateful. Last question of the session. And I do apologize that we didn't get the opportunity to visit every question. We got a lot of really awesome questions from all of our devoted listeners. And we love you a lot. And we're so grateful that you took the time to kind of engage with us today. So if we didn't read your question, it's because of time. So now it's time for the last question. Who is a character that, just in this past rereading of these first three books, who is a character that you've totally changed opinions on?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:03:14
Honestly, Petunia. Which is maybe a weird thing, but I had never really thought of her in any other way than like, you know, a bitchy, awful woman. And really digging into her psychology, as we have done now three times in our very first chapters of each book, and really thinking about what probably caused this, what brought this on -- and also the realization that she did actually have to raise baby Harry. Babies take a lot of work, and she did that.
 
Christina Kann  1:03:44
Yeah.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:03:45
All of those kind of things compounding together. I don't know that I necessarily have like a different opinion of her in terms of like -- I still think she's a bad person. But like really digging into what we think might be making her tick has completely changed the way I view her actions. I find her to be somewhat more forgivable now.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:12
Hmm. I definitely agree that an adult perspective on Petunia gives you more sympathy for her.
 
Grace Ball  1:04:17
I think for me, it's Hagrid. And Brooke, you may have had some influence on that.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:04:24
I fucking ruined Hagrid for you, didn't I? So sorry.
 
Grace Ball  1:04:28
No, that's okay. You know, when you're a kid, you don't notice all of the things that Hagrid is doing. And you're not asking yourself, why is Hagrid doing that? But I did. I asked myself that this time. And Hagrid did not come out too great. That's okay.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:45
Well, that's the thing. When you become an adult, you have to start asking yourself, Is this an appropriate way for an adult to behave? Because up until you're like 14 maybe, you can kind of act however you want. It's like "Ah, she's just tired, she's just hungry, you know?"
 
Grace Ball  1:05:00
I just need to drink some more water.
 
Christina Kann  1:05:05
Yeah. "Wait, I know this. This is inappropriate adult behavior for sure. You can't trick me."
 
Grace Ball  1:05:09
Yeah, so sorry, man.
 
Christina Kann  1:05:13
I was also gonna say Hagrid, but here's a hot take. Here's my character that I've totally changed opinions on, kind of: Dobby.
 
Grace Ball  1:05:26
Okay.
 
Christina Kann  1:05:27
I don't like him.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  1:05:29
How fucking dare you.
 
Christina Kann  1:05:30
And I think that I've never liked him and this is the first time I've ever permitted myself to not like him. I find him deeply meddling and obnoxious, and I feel like he's just there for sympathy. That's like all he has, like, look at this poor pathetic creature. He's such a caricature of a character, and I don't like him. I think that his role in the story should have been done well or not at all. And I don't think it was done well
 
Brooke Matherly  1:06:07
He could have been more of a Winky character and it might have worked better.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:14
Winky is rough dude.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:06:15
No, but like...
 
Christina Kann  1:06:17
Let's revisit that after the reread.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:06:18
I get that. I'm not saying like full Winky, but like, you know, he could show any amount of actual stress at what he's endured instead of just being like, "LOL I ironed my knuckles! Anyhow, you can't go to school. Kay bye!"
 
Christina Kann  1:06:35
Yeah
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  1:06:36
Yeah, it's a little nuts.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:39
Yeah.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  1:06:41
Can I say JK Rowling?
 
Christina Kann  1:06:43
Oh, round of applause.
 
Grace Ball  1:06:46
Yeah, you win.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:48
Okay, you win, and that's a good place to end this podcast frankly. I think we've all judge opinions on that woman.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  1:06:57
That bitch.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:59
I probably wouldn't start this podcast now. You know? But I'm glad that we have it. And I'm glad that we get to be part of the other narrative. You know, I'm glad that we get to contribute to creating a safe space where people who love Harry Potter but are upset by that. But we're not going to harp on that too long because this is like a pump up episode, this is a pregame. This is the mailbag episode. I've called it a million different things. One thing's for sure. The very first episode that we record after a Goblet of Fire is called Group Therapy.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  1:07:34
Thank God.
 
Christina Kann  1:07:37
You're gonna need it! Um, in conclusion, before we move on to plugs, I would like to just one more time encourage everyone to sign up for our Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you can be part of our online community on the Discord, where we have a lot of really awesome conversations all the time. There's a lot of really excellent people there. For the $5 tier, you can get monthly bonus episodes, and September's bonus episode is going to cover My Immortal, the mysterious and legendary Harry Potter fanfiction. I can't emphasize how much you don't want to miss that, so please check us out. The link is in the show notes. So now it's time to move on to plugs. Brooke, where can people find you on the internet?
 
Brooke Matherly  1:08:19
You can follow me on Instagram @passionforparks. You can find me on Twitter @grumpybrooke. And this week, I am going to plug a book that I read recently and absolutely loved. It is called The Henna Artist. It is by Alka Joshi. It is an awesome female-forward book that's set in post-colonial India. And it's just a really delightful read. It has some twists and turns. It's really just a woman trying to make it on her own in a society that doesn't want her to, and it's it's just amazingly entertaining. I highly recommend it.
 
Christina Kann  1:08:59
Awesome. Thank you so much. Mary-Peyton, what about you? Where can people find you on the internet?
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  1:09:04
You can find me on Instagram @richmondreads or @crookmp, and you can find me on Twitter @crookmp, although I don't do much on there, mostly just retweet on that one.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:14
You show up once a month and like everything I've posted.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  1:09:17
Yeah, just go down the list just liking.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:21
She's very supportive.
 
Mary-Peyton Crook  1:09:22
Hey, I do it genuinely. I'm not just liking it. I like it, okay. But yeah, you can find me there. And then I'm going to plug something that I've been plugging in my regular life to everyone I've seen, so sorry to you guys, but The Haunting of Bly Manor, the show on Netflix, which is so freakin good. I did not watch The Haunting of Hill House, which everyone said was so good, because I do not like scary stuff. So I just avoided it. And my little sister convinced me to watch The Haunting of Bly Manor, and of course it's scary. It's got the word "haunting" in the title, obviously. Man, it was so freakin beautiful. And I'm someone who thinks way too much about dark stuff. So, you know, middle of the season, I was kind of really feeling it. But it's so well done. It's really more of a love story. I could not recommend it more.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:24
Thank you so much for that. Grace, what about you? What have you been doing lately? What do you have to recommend today?
 
Grace Ball  1:10:29
Um, today I'm going to recommend a podcast called Noble Blood.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:36
Wait wait, did you just start listening to that?
 
Grace Ball  1:10:39
I've been listening to it for a little while.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:41
Oh my god. I just started listening to that podcast in the past couple weeks.
 
Grace Ball  1:10:43
Really? Well, great choice. It's really good. It's hosted by Dana Schwartz. And basically she just kind of goes through stories of some messy royals, man. It's crazy.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:55
It is crazy.
 
Grace Ball  1:10:56
Just like so much murder.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:58
Yeah, when people were like "George RR Martin, why did you write these fucked up books?" and he's like, "Joke's on you. It's based on history." This is the show where you're like, "Oh, my God, he was completely right."
 
Grace Ball  1:11:09
Yeah, it's very good. I definitely recommend just like starting from the top and just binging it, because it's awesome.
 
Christina Kann  1:11:17
Hell yeah. Thank you so much. And obviously I second that plug. So I've been your host, Christina. You can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann. You can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. And this week I'm going to plug the book Ariadne by Jennifer Saint. It's a retelling of, you know, the Ariadne story from Greek mythology, which involves the Minotaur in the labyrinth and Daedalus and Icarus and Theseus and Dionysus, they all end in sus. Weird. That's pretty sus. It's a very lovely retelling, a more contemporary retelling, of an old Greek myth, and we actually are reading it for our August Movie Night Crew Book Club, which we're doing over on the Discord. It's been really exciting to be able to talk to people as we're reading it. Yeah, I recommend Ariadne by Jennifer Saint. Well, that's the end of it. Thank you so much, ladies for coming on and chatting with me about the Goblet of Fire and about all that we've read so far and fielding some questions from our beloved listeners.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:12:33
Here we go again.
 
Grace Ball  1:12:35
Yay!
 
Christina Kann  1:12:36
Yeah, here we go again. Get ready, because it's um, I mean, this is the grown up ride now.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:12:41
This is that roller coaster that goes forwards and backwards.
 
Christina Kann  1:12:45
Yeah, yeah. I don't want to be on this one. I don't want to. You gotta; I'm sorry. From here on out, all the books end in MURDER. Alright, gang, I gotta go finish reading "Cool Haircuts for Wizard Daddies" before this book tries to shank me. Goodbye.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:15:32
I like can't -- I cannot chill if I cannot see that my Audacity is currently recording.

​SPEAKERS
Mats Furuli, Lelia Hilton, Christina Kann
 
Christina Kann  00:22
Hi, my name is Christina, and when my cats are mad at me, I snuggle them!
 
all  00:29
Hi!
 
Lelia Hilton  00:29
My name is Leila, and I pooped on the potty like a big girl today!
 
all  00:35
Hi!
 
Mats Furuli  00:36
Hi, I'm Mats, and I'm just happy to be here!
 
all  00:39
Hi!
 
Lelia Hilton  00:43
Not what I was... Improv!
 
Christina Kann  00:47
Hey, gang. Welcome to the Restricted Section. It is me, your host, Christina. And for those who can't tell already, today we're covering the music -- the off-Broadway play, Puffs. I almost said "the musical." There's no music.
 
Lelia Hilton  01:02
I keep thinking it's a musical too, even though I've seen it.
 
Christina Kann  01:06
I am joined today by my beloved Lelia.
 
Lelia Hilton  01:09
Hi.
 
Christina Kann  01:11
Hello, hello. And we also have a returning special guest, Mats.
 
Mats Furuli  01:16
Hi!
 
Christina Kann  01:18
Hi, Mats. We're so happy you're here.
 
Mats Furuli  01:21
I'm so happy to be here.
 
Christina Kann  01:22
The reason that all three of us are here today is because we are all three Puffs.
 
Lelia Hilton  01:29
We're number 4!
 
Christina Kann  01:33
So yes, I wanted to get all of us together to talk about the play Puffs. I was taking notes at first, but I quickly realized that it was kind of a futile endeavor. Like while I was watching it, I was like, there's no way I can type everything that's happening because this movie, this play, is essentially the entire series of events of the entire Harry Potter series from the Hufflepuffs' perspective. But it's like a parody. So the four houses are Braves, Smarts, Snakes, and Puffs. And like, what are the Hufflepuffs doing? There's this guy named Wayne who's the main character, and he's just like so deeply unspecial. They're just having a great time, and fuckin Harry's just floppin around getting plot done.
 
Mats Furuli  02:33
Like completely by accident.
 
Christina Kann  02:40
So much of the reason that this play was even on my radar is because you've mentioned it a lot. And you want to tell everyone a little bit about like, when did you see it? Where did you hear about it from? What's your experience been?
 
Mats Furuli  02:57
I don't know when the first time I ever heard about it was, but the first time I decided that I wanted to watch it was when Mike Schubert, host of Potterless, decided to cover it on his podcast earlier this year or like late 2020. He ran out of books, so he's covering all the extra material. I know he's been doing My Immortal recently. Yeah. Just wonderful. Just horrible. Wonderful. Yeah. And yeah, I watched it. And it was just wonderful. It blew my mind in just the most wonderful, wholesome way possible. And yeah, my life is so much better because of because of this play.
 
Christina Kann  04:02
Me too. So um, Lelia and I both watched it for the first time this week. And Lelia, what are your initial feelings?
 
Lelia Hilton  04:13
I was fortunate enough to watch it with Haley. And Haley is a great person to watch anything with because yeah, she's so smart and funny. And so, you know, she gave me a lot of great insight. I watched it with Haley and Jason, who are both strong Ravenclaws. Yeah. And they were just like both looking at me like knowingly the whole time.
 
Christina Kann  04:43
I felt the same way. I watched it with Sean, who's a Slytherin, and the whole time I just kept like realizing that I was laughing so hard and looking back to make sure he was having fun. Like I feel like such a Puff.
 
Lelia Hilton  05:01
It's such a Puff move. I feel like immediately after that, I did something super Puffy too. I mean, that's just my whole life. You know, we just care a little bit more about, like, just just hanging out and like, friendship and not being a threat. Puff formation 4!
 
all  05:21
We are not a threat! Please be our friend!
 
Christina Kann  05:29
Oh, I just really relate. So, there was one character--I'm just gonna get this out of the way. There was one character in Puffs that I particularly related to, and I had this feeling and then Sean was like, "That girl is you." And then Haley also texted me that that girl was me. And it's Big Stupid, Leanne.
 
Mats Furuli  05:52
I knew it!
 
Christina Kann  05:55
She's she is, um, what is the name of that girl from Wizards of Waverly Place? You know?
 
Lelia Hilton  06:00
Oh, my God. Yes, Harper.
 
Christina Kann  06:02
Harper.
 
Lelia Hilton  06:03
Why do I know that?
 
Christina Kann  06:05
Just like a big adorable idiot. And I'm like, okay. She's like wearing a tutu and dancing around the stage. And I was like, it's kind of annoying that she reminds me of myself until at the end, she gives the speech that moves all the Puffs to stay and fight Voldemort. And then I was like I am Leanne!
 
Lelia Hilton  06:26
You are, and even like, down to the way she was dressed. And even her hairstyle, like everything. Everything about her. Haley for sure would not stop talking about that. She was just like, "I mean, tell me that's not Christina." And that's my best Haley impression, sorry Haley. And then she was like, "Guys, tell me that--" What's the main character's name again?
 
Mats Furuli  06:55
Wayne.
 
Lelia Hilton  06:56
Just like, "Tell me that Wayne doesn't look like kind of a lot like Sean." And I was like, "Oh my god, he does." They're both there!
 
Christina Kann  07:10
Okay, Mats, which character in Puffs do you most relate to?
 
Mats Furuli  07:14
Oh, um, I'm probably going to have to say Wayne for that one. The pop culture stuff.
 
Christina Kann  07:22
Oh yeah, he had like good t-shirts. Ninja Turtles and something else.
 
Lelia Hilton  07:28
They were so cute. I loved that he would always do like some kind of DIY cut-out that made it somehow Puffy.
 
Mats Furuli  07:39
That is one of my notes as well: Wayne's shirts are my absolute favorite.
 
Lelia Hilton  07:45
What are some specific examples, Mats? If you can remember?
 
Mats Furuli  07:48
Oh, yeah, one of them is Wolverine, but it's like, tape like a badger head. Another one, I think, is Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, but it's Wayne, Oliver, and Megan.
 
Lelia Hilton  08:09
So cute!
 
Mats Furuli  08:14
It's great.
 
Christina Kann  08:16
Lelia, who do you relate the most to?
 
Lelia Hilton  08:20
I don't know. I related kind of to all of them as a group. I feel like I'm maybe more of a Megan. I'm not like as edgy or cool as her in any way--
 
Christina Kann  08:35
Dramatic.
 
Lelia Hilton  08:36
--but I am very dramatic, as we all know.
 
Christina Kann  08:39
She was so dramatic. Megan was like, "We're fighting!" and everyone's like, "Why? We don't have to."
 
Lelia Hilton  08:47
Maybe not, though. She's like, a little scarier than me. Maybe I would also be like a diet version of Leanne.
 
Christina Kann  08:59
Yeah, I did really love like, the pack mentality of the Puffs. It's like, we're in this together. I related to it so big. Like, they don't care about winning, because they're together. I've never related to anything more in my life.
 
Lelia Hilton  09:21
Me too. I grew up in a sports family. Like, they've all played in college or in high school, all throughout their lives. And like multiple sports, so many sport things. And I never did one sport for me, not one. It was all about theater and drama and chorus and things like that. Oh, man. Yeah, ever. I'm like lazy and don't want to exert myself and have no hand-eye coordination. Other than that, the main reason I never was interested is like, I just really don't care for that type of competition. It just doesn't do anything for me. I feel like it can just be a little mean, you know?
 
Christina Kann  10:19
Yeah. I completely agree. It's the yelling. Like being at a sporting event, the yelling is so aggressive. Okay, here's the thing: When people yell because of sports, they make my empathy alarms go off. I'm like, "Oh no, human in distress," but it's about like a very inconsequential thing that is like so far removed from our existence that I'm like, "But wait, my brain says this is stupid." Like the intersection of those two?
 
Lelia Hilton  10:51
Yeah, I get it. I think people focus too much on competition, instead of like the experience.
 
Mats Furuli  11:00
Just having fun.
 
Lelia Hilton  11:05
So it's like we're number three, or even maybe we're number four. Like, either way we don't care. Like, we're, we're, it's fun. We're doing it together like Cedric's here for a little while. Speaking of how did we feel about Cedric, you know, the actor that portrayed him, and then his whole little arc that happened?
 
Christina Kann  11:27
Okay, I there when you said Cedric, I started laughing because the actor who plays Cedric, then later plays Voldemort. And like, he looks so ridiculous in that role that I have a hard time picturing Cedric now because all I can picture is like the bathrobe and the tape on his--
 
Lelia Hilton  11:44
He just has tape on his nose!
 
Christina Kann  11:46
It's the best they could do.
 
Mats Furuli  11:49
Yeah, it's great. And like, honestly, I love James Foley as Cedric, and whenever I'm reading the books now, like, that's who I'm picturing as Cedric.
 
Christina Kann  12:07
His whole personality screams coolest Hufflepuff. Like, yeah, I guess you're cool. But like...
 
Lelia Hilton  12:17
Well, it's just like they say, what is it? Year Four, or the year where the Puffs mattered? It's so true, but he's much more personable and like a "cool guy" kind of Cedric. Not that we we hate on Robert Pattinson's portrayal at all.
 
Christina Kann  12:41
Different vibes. So okay, we said that I'm similar to Leanne. That's more of like an aesthetic. She's big dumb in a way that I'm not, right? I feel like if I was in the Puffs, I would have more of a Cedric role because I'm a little bit of a leader. I build other people up. I'm like, "Come on, let's go. We're gonna get fourth place."
 
Mats Furuli  13:05
I'm not in any way a leader.
 
Lelia Hilton  13:07
I just thought about the part when Cedric opens up the egg. It's just a guy screaming!
 
Mats Furuli  13:14
Oh, it's so good.
 
Lelia Hilton  13:19
I think I almost wet my pants. For listeners, the part in the books and in the movies when they open up the egg for the triwizard tournament and like, when it's not underwater, it's it's like a very terrifying scream, and in the play it's um, it's literally just like a dude offstage, like probably Wayne or one of them just like going like *screams*
 
Christina Kann  13:53
Honestly, this whole play had me dying laughing from the hilarious references like that to the original text. The plot that the pumps go down is like a totally different path from what Harry Potter and the gang are doing, but the all of the asides... Like in Goblet of Fire, Book 4 in Puffs, where Dumbledore is like, "Harry, did you put your name in this cup?" And he's like, "Nah," and Dumbledore's like, "I'm the definition of calm right now." You can't not mention it. For the Harry Potter fandom, that moment is like Viggo Mortensen breaking his toe. By law, you're required to mention it when it comes up.
 
Mats Furuli  14:45
Oh my god.
 
Christina Kann  14:46
So how do we feel like the tone of the story was different because of its perspective? Was it telling a different kind of story even?
 
Lelia Hilton  14:56
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  14:56
For example, I always say that the Harry Potter narrative is a Gryffindor narrative. Like, "I am the chosen one and I need to sacrifice myself." Like so Gryffindor. But in contrast, I always say Avatar: The Last Airbender, that's a Hufflepuff series. Because it's about like, how do I do my job and protect the people I love without hurting anybody? You know what I mean? Like, how do I find balance? And that's like big Hufflepuff vibes. If so, like, how did the the context switch when our main characters switched?
 
Lelia Hilton  15:03
Um, I mean, one of the biggest things is just really seeing how much of a minor role like Harry -- it just kind of shows you the perspective of the entire story, and just like how Harry's quest and how Harry's arc really kind of fucked up, everybody else's life.
 
Christina Kann  15:54
The play Puffs kind of framed it as if Harry was going on side quests that were fucking up the main quest, you know, it's like, dude, you gotta stop. Like, we're trying to just go to school here.
 
Mats Furuli  16:09
Yeah, while the Harry Potter books are very much a like "chosen one," Puffs, in contrast, is like, this one guy wanting so badly to be the Chosen One, the hero, and he's having to come to grips with the fact that we're all in this together, like, having to learn that whole mentality. And yeah, I think, like as a Hufflepuff myself, I think it's a really nice mentality to have.
 
Christina Kann  16:58
Yeah, absolutely.
 
Lelia Hilton  16:59
Well, just like in Hamilton, you know, we have no control who lives, who dies, who tells our story.
 
Mats Furuli  17:14
There is literally a quote from Puffs, where the narrator goes, "Who lives, who dies," and every time I'm watching him, like, "Who tells your story?"
 
Lelia Hilton  17:29
*singing* "I tell your story."
 
Christina Kann  17:31
Okay. We can't do this. Because when that part of Hamilton comes up I am sobbing. Like she lives on to tell his story. It was her story the whole time! Okay. Sorry, sorry,
 
Lelia Hilton  17:42
*singing* "Let me tell you what I'm proudest of."
 
Mats Furuli  17:45
*singing* "The orphanage!"
 
Christina Kann  17:45
Okay, shut up. Don't TALK TO ME ABOUT THE ORPHANAGE! So I also really love how this is, this is the opposite of a "chosen one" story. It's like the chosen one in this story is like, an like a non-entity. And it's like, you cannot just sit around waiting for the chosen one. And you also can't thrust yourself into the spotlight and be the chosen one. You have to look around who is standing beside you and make a promise to work together to protect each other. And that's when I started crying at the end, when they all decide when Leanne gives her speech, and it's like, this is what Puffs do, is they just like, they protect what they love. And they do it together.
 
Mats Furuli  18:41
What you said is exactly why I love the portrayal of Harry's character in this play as well, because you can't want to be in the spotlight. And then like on the other hand, Harry's just like stumbling into the spotlight just succeeding without really meaning to.
 
Christina Kann  19:05
Yes, "stumbling" is a perfect word. I feel like the actor who played Harry in this was like a drunk toddler just like walking around, like wandering into danger or wandering out of danger. Also, if you're listening to this, you haven't seen it yet, just stop and go watch it. Because like the things that we're describing are so much funnier seen than described.
 
Mats Furuli  19:30
Yeah I have a really had time in any way shape or form describing or like doing this play justice. Like you're you're going to have to watch it.
 
Christina Kann  19:40
There is no like describing live theatre and I mean, this is a particular one where it's like, you got to experience.
 
Mats Furuli  19:48
A hundred percent. And I just want to add that Madeline Bundy, who plays Harry and Moaning Myrtle -- I just love the fact that the same person plays Harry and Moaning Myrtle -- but also Susie Bones, also was the lead set designer, prop designer, and costume designer for this play. It's wild.
 
Christina Kann  20:18
That is so crazy. So that brings me to a good point is that I mean, at least from a spectators perspective, watching this you can tell that every actor plays like 15 different characters, and it's like so impressive when the whole cast comes out at the end. You're like "Oh, yeah, there's only like 10 of these guys running around the stage like maniacs the whole time," but they each do such a good job. There's that one actor who plays McGonagall, Dumbledore #1, Professor Sprout, Megan's mom, every adult. She's got adult face, I guess.
 
Lelia Hilton  20:58
She's she's got the cheekbones.
 
Christina Kann  21:03
Totally. And she did Hannah Abbott too. But I think she is like the first voice that you hear in the whole play because she's doing a McGonagall voice. And I was like, "Damn, that's a really good accent."
 
Mats Furuli  21:15
That's a really good McGonagall impression holy shit.
 
Lelia Hilton  21:19
Also, the actress who plays Harry does the best Moaning Myrtle impression I think that I've ever heard. Like, we were dying.
 
Christina Kann  21:30
It's very good. Just another special Harry moment. Harry's like your friend who just like always needs a hug, kind of. I feel like this version of Harry's always--
 
Lelia Hilton  21:41
*kissing sounds*
 
Christina Kann  21:42
Yeah! He kisses Wayne's shoulder. He doesn't just kiss Wayne's shoulder; he kisses Wayne's shoulder four times in rapid succession. That makes it like so much cuter. Like an automatic weapon of kisses.
 
Lelia Hilton  21:58
And Harry in Hermione. How did you like their portrayal? How did you like the actors?
 
Christina Kann  22:03
Yes! That's what I was gonna bring up next.
 
Lelia Hilton  22:06
Ron and Hermione, sorry.
 
Christina Kann  22:07
Oh, yeah. When I started being like, "you have to see this because describing it is stupid," it reminded me that I was trying to get to Ronand Hermione are both played ostensibly by brooms.
 
Lelia Hilton  22:19
Mops? I don't know.
 
Christina Kann  22:20
Yeah, mops.
 
Mats Furuli  22:21
To be fair, I think the personality of Ron's character in this play pretty much exactly fits the character in the movies.
 
Lelia Hilton  22:32
Yeah, you're right.
 
Christina Kann  22:34
Harry has his whole fight and falling out with Ron as an mop.
 
Mats Furuli  22:41
And then Oliver comes in, and he's like, "Okay, I'm sure you guys will be fine." And then, "Hey, look, there's no need for you to be an asshole. Jeez! You really are the worst member of your family."
 
Christina Kann  22:57
Oh, my God. Yeah. Have you all seen The Good Place?
 
Mats Furuli  23:02
Yeah.
 
Lelia Hilton  23:02
Yeah, not all of it.
 
Christina Kann  23:06
Did Oliver in this remind you of Chidi a little bit?
 
Mats Furuli  23:08
Oh my god, yeah!
 
Lelia Hilton  23:09
Oh, yeah!
 
Christina Kann  23:11
Just like a little uptight. Like a little "Come on, bud, loosen up. You've got a great personality, but you're super uptight. You got to chill out."
 
Lelia Hilton  23:19
Oh my god, how much would that suck? Imagine being told you're a literal like mathematician, child genius. And then you're like the best student at your school. And then they're like, "Just kidding. You're going to wizard school. You suck. You're not brave or smart."
 
Christina Kann  23:44
Okay, like obviously not to the same extent, but like that is kind of what happened to Hermione in the book. Like she was a gifted child, right, who had devoted her life to studying, and then surprise, none of this matters to you; you have to go start over.I think that's why she was such a brat in the first book, because she is like trying to prove so hard that like she's got this, you know? Yeah. Little Oliver with his little shorts.
 
Lelia Hilton  24:10
And his mismatched paisley socks.
 
Christina Kann  24:13
Yeah. So something else that I liked about this is -- so the main trio is Wayne, who was like, you know, the stand-in for Harry. He's like the anti-chosen one. And then there's Megan, who sort of denies her Puff identity. She comes from a long family of Puffs, who wish they were Snakes, basically. And so she believes in her heart of hearts that she's an evil snake, so she hates being a Puff. And then there's Oliver, who is like a genius who learned that he's a wizard and has to start over. So one thing I really liked is how different those three characters were from each other because Harry and Ron and Hermione have a lot in common. They're all sort of dry, boring British people but also like, the way that they approach any situation is just like pretty much pure Gryffindor at all times. You know what I mean? Like they're really similar, but I felt like Megan, Wayne, and Oliver are like so different. They made a really strong trio because their skills are so different. The personalities are different. Just love them.
 
Lelia Hilton  25:21
Yeah, I think you're right. I love the contrast. I also think that Megan trying so so so hard to prove that she's not a Puff is just like the most Puff thing that she could have done.
 
Mats Furuli  25:35
Like full-on identity crisis. She goes from being a Snake in year one to "I'm into books now" in year two. And then in three, she's like, "Okay, yeah, I'm going to be with the Braves this year, because everything notable that ever happens in this school, happens to them" and then the first Brave that stumbles into the room is Neville.
 
Christina Kann  26:10
Yeah, and then by the end Megan is like so happy to be a Puff. And like, I relate to that. I feel like when I was younger, I was like, "Being nice is stupid. I'm smarter than everyone, I got this, and fuck you guys." I've said before that I was pretty shitty person when I was younger. And it was part of my journey that I like I'm like, yeah, Puff is the way to be. Yeah, Puff's the way to be.
 
Lelia Hilton  26:35
It's okay to not be the toughest or the bravest or strongest, you know, sometimes it's a little bit more special to be that person that people feel comfortable coming to and feel comfortable gathering with.
 
Christina Kann  26:47
Yeah, yeah, gathering. Lelia, Mats, I swear to God, we're gonna gather one day. Just you wait.
 
all  26:54
*singing* JUST YOU WAIT!
 
Mats Furuli  26:56
Hamilton again.
 
Christina Kann  27:00
Yeah, but definitely, Leila and I show a lot of love by inviting people into our home and making them eat food and get drunk basically.
 
Mats Furuli  27:09
I'm the biggest introvert in the history of introverts. So I cannot relate to that part. But yeah, I think I do enjoy being around people. I'm just really bad at taking initiative.
 
Lelia Hilton  27:23
Well, that's okay. At least for me and Christina, our best friends are pretty much all introverts because what's happened is that we've gone into the world and just kind of like forced them into our friendship.
 
Christina Kann  27:35
Shut up, Lelia, please tell the story of Jason and Haley.
 
Lelia Hilton  27:40
Oh, the vax story? Oh my god.
 
Christina Kann  27:45
Please, tell us a story.
 
Lelia Hilton  27:46
So we all know Haley, sweet Haley, can be a little shy, even though that's hard to believe for her on the podcast, but she's very introverted, as is my husband, Jason. He's as introverted as I am extroverted, basically. And they try, they do the do. And they both were going to get their second shots of their vaccines for COVID. And they both happened to have appointments at the same place and same time in Richmond, didn't know. They're standing in line, or should I say in queue?
 
Christina Kann  28:22
They're like five feet apart.
 
Lelia Hilton  28:23
They're five feet apart from each other in queue, in line. And Haley just starts sending me texts while I'm at work, and she's like, "I think that this--" I feel like I should pull it up. Just like "I think this guy that I'm seeing, he's like tall and blond and looks exactly like Jason. But like, also, it could be not Jason, because he has on his mask. And then like, What would I say? What if it wasn't? What would I do then? And then what if it was Jason, what do we do? We can't talk from there." Then she sends me a picture and she's like, "Ma'am, is this your husband?" Like, yes!
 
Christina Kann  29:06
Just ask him! I had like, I have like a long conversation with Haley after that. I was like, "Hey, babe, next time just be like, yo Jason!" and if he doesn't turn around, you're good. And she's like, "What if he does her? What if he's like, I'm not Jason!"
 
Lelia Hilton  29:20
Like, I don't think anyone would do that. But yeah, and then later, before I got home, I called Jason. I was like, "Hi, why didn't you say hi to Haley?" And he was like, "What the fuck? How did you know about that?"
 
Christina Kann  29:34
Okay, so the whole story is just to demonstrate that we to have friends who need their emotional support extrovert.
 
Lelia Hilton  29:42
And we're here for you.
 
Christina Kann  29:43
Oh, there was a meme going around the internet that -- well by "going around the internet" I mean, I saw it one time a long time ago. It was a Slytherin saying "Ma'am, I need that. That's my emotional support Hufflepuff." That's how I feel was Sean.
 
Lelia Hilton  30:01
It made me feel good about myself a little bit. Not really at first -- I mean not always because they do portray the Puffs like in a very big dumb energy
 
Christina Kann  30:12
Big dumb. Like all himbos.
 
Lelia Hilton  30:14
All himbos.
 
Christina Kann  30:16
Yeah but I agree that it was like the first time that I ever felt pride in being a Hufflepuff that wasn't in an abstract, fandom kind of way. I know this was a fan-produced show, but it was almost like giving me cannon to identify with. Which I guess is sometimes the whole point of fan-fiction, to fill in the gaps where the author has failed. And the Hufflepuffs in the Harry Potter series, with a couple exceptions, are not portrayed very well. Really it's like Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, or like go home because obviously, all Slytherins are evil, we'll get to that in a minute with the Snakes. But also the Puffs are like just kind of like jellyfish. They just suck. Justin Finch-Fletchley is just like a whiny bitch boy; just like, come on, buck up. It's a snake. You got it. And then there's Ernie MacMillan, whomst I hate so much.
 
Lelia Hilton  31:16
Ernie Mac in the play.
 
Christina Kann  31:19
Yeah. And then Justin Finch-Fletchley was J-Finch. He was like -- I don't remember what he said. He was like, "I'm boyish, like cute."
 
Lelia Hilton  31:27
He was always like, "I'm J-Finchin' over here." All I remember is that everybody in the play just started treating him like he was invisible.
 
Christina Kann  31:37
Imaginary. Yeah, because Leanne says it once. She's like, "Blah, blah, blah. And like J-Finch, he's a great wizard, even though he's imaginary." And you could see his face just be like, "Am I fuckin imaginary?"
 
Lelia Hilton  31:52
Very un-Puff of everyone to gang up against him.
 
Christina Kann  31:59
Um, so let's talk about the Snakes. The way that this play, like pokes fun at the Harry Potter series is by like, doubling down on things. So they're like, "All Snakes are evil, and that kid looks like he would throw a glass of white wine in your face," right? Which is the funniest description of anyone I've ever heard in my life.
 
Lelia Hilton  32:24
They all have this expression that looks like they're about to throw a glass of white wine on your face. They're all, you know, 12 but they all still share that expression.
 
Christina Kann  32:35
Honestly, 12-year-old Tom Felton did look like he would throw a glass of white wine in your face.
 
Lelia Hilton  32:45
Totally, completely.
 
Christina Kann  32:47
Yeah. So good casting there. Did we even see any Snakes? Were there any Snake characters? I don't even remember.
 
Mats Furuli  32:59
We did get a little bit of Draco.
 
Christina Kann  33:02
Oh, yeah. If you think Harry was joke, Draco was a goddamn joke. He had like a tiara, right? Or like a crown.
 
Mats Furuli  33:13
Oh and a little bit of goyle during the Sorting. Just the name "Goyle."
 
Christina Kann  33:20
I've thought about that before, about how Crabbe and Goyle's names are Vincent and Gregory, which are so much more attractive names. Like a man named Vincent, he could be attractive. You know what I mean? But not Crabbe.
 
Lelia Hilton  33:45
Also the name Vincent Crabbe just reminds me of like, a really cute animated crab named Vincent.
 
Christina Kann  33:53
*singing* Vincent the crab, just pinchin on shit.
 
Lelia Hilton  33:58
J-pinch.
 
Christina Kann  34:04
Oh my god. Darwin went to the Galapagos to study the J-pinches.
 
Lelia Hilton  34:11
And he was disappointed.
 
Christina Kann  34:15
Let's talk about the teachers in this play. I think the teacher we saw the most was like -- Oh, we got to see Snape considerably. Like Snape was a joke, Snape had nothing to do with the plot. Leila is doing a gag right now. You gotta watch the play to figure out what it is. Yeah, there's a bit where Snape gives a sex ed talk. And if you think Alan Rickman's voice in the Harry Potter movies is like low and dramatic, you have no idea.
 
Lelia Hilton  34:49
He really sits on the quality that Alan Rickman has. I like to call it lovingly "the egg," or the old "egg yolk in the back of the throat" sound.
 
Christina Kann  34:59
I call it the whomping. He was womping so hard that I couldn't understand anything he said. I don't think you were supposed to.
 
Lelia Hilton  35:13
No.
 
Christina Kann  35:14
It sounds if you're watching a movie and a grenade goes off near someone, or like a gunshot, and they have temporary hearing loss, and everything's just like, "Womp womp womp." That's what it was like.
 
Lelia Hilton  35:27
Good description.
 
Christina Kann  35:28
I was like, "What is he saying?" So he was a joke, which I appreciated. It's like, we're not even gonna get into this.
 
Lelia Hilton  35:37
And then, he was still in love with "Lillith" in this one. Which reminds me of Frasier. If anyone likes Frasier.
 
Christina Kann  35:45
Oh, I have not watched Frasier.
 
Lelia Hilton  35:47
I highly recommend; it ages really well.
 
Christina Kann  35:50
I think it's good to know at age as well.
 
Lelia Hilton  36:04
Yeah, it does. They certainly don't all.
 
Christina Kann  36:09
Ain't that the truth? But you know what does age well? Puffs.
 
Lelia Hilton  36:14
Nice.
 
Christina Kann  36:14
Thank you, bringing us back. And then there was that one actor who played McGonagall, Sprout, and Dumbledore #1. They switched actors for Dumbledore when the films did, which was so funny. This one actor just did like everything, like all of her different teachers' voices were so impressive, like vocal control, you know?
 
Lelia Hilton  36:40
Yes. And then what's up with -- what is it? Zach? What's the name of the Quidditch --
 
Christina Kann  36:45
Zach Smith?
 
Lelia Hilton  36:46
Zack Smith!
 
Mats Furuli  36:48
The fucking Quidditch tryouts.
 
Christina Kann  36:52
Did y'all watch the outtakes at the end?
 
Lelia Hilton  36:55
Yes, I did.
 
Mats Furuli  36:56
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  36:57
So the actor was like -- they put a little subtitle on the screen, saying that the actor is allowed to come out and say whatever he wants to start the Quidditch tryouts. So this actor went on like a five-minute-long monologue describing the plot of 27 Dresses as if it had happened to him personally.
 
Mats Furuli  37:18
It's probably my favorite scene in the entire show -- or in the entire play -- because, like, improvised -- fucking, yeah.
 
Christina Kann  37:28
Hilarious, like, really the funniest shit. And at the end, during the credits, they showed some outtakes of all the different ideas. Some people are funny, dude. Improv is hard. You just got to keep talking.
 
Lelia Hilton  37:45
I hope it works out. Hope it's funny.
 
Mats Furuli  37:48
I'm really bad at improv.
 
Christina Kann  37:52
That's why I'm just like, so passingly okay at improv, because I can literally keep talking forever. Anyway, where even was I? Backing up... Zach Smith.. backing up. That was that was the actor who played J-Finch. All of the kids played -- I call them kids because they're Hogwarts students. All of the actors played so many different people. There was a lot of very -- Okay, so I did theater in high school. Mats, did you? Have you ever done theater?
 
Mats Furuli  38:29
No.
 
Christina Kann  38:29
Not your vibe; I get it. And I know Lelia's done theater. Some of those quick changes were so quick. And in the beginning, I was really impressed. I mean, the whole thing is very impressive. But you quickly realize that they're all wearing like 17 layers of clothing that they keep just like rearranging. It's smart. But a couple a couple of those quick changes were like, "Oh, shit!"
 
Mats Furuli  38:51
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  38:51
There was one scene where Leanne like fell off the stage and I was like, "That was kind of dumb." But one split second later, the the actress comes back on as Fleur Delacour. Like, "Oh, okay, I get it now." Like very impressive. It really took me back to high school, where I was part of the team, the Quick Change team, which is super fun if your leading man is very hot. Eric Fisher, Eric Fischer, if you're out there, love you, bud. He used to run off stage, and all the girls would be there stripping his clothes off as fast as we could, like QUICKLY! And then we'd shove him back into his like, waistcoat and cap or whatever, we'd be like, "Get out there, stud." So that was a lot of fun. And yeah, it took me right back. I just love the theater dude. It involves so much more -- obviously movies are great, but like movies have Hollywood, you know what I mean? And plays are -- you need to design every element of them to be seamless and straightforward. You know what I mean? It's like people and things need to be where they're supposed to be, everything has to work right the first time because it's live, you know. And so you can tell how aggressively they've practiced. And, like, I cannot convey enough how much every single person on the cast walked like all over the stage at all times. So there was like four or five doors -- maybe like six doors, I don't remember, four to six doors -- that they were just coming in and out of constantly. That was their set structure was these doors. There was this one moment where two of the doors across the stage from each other both open, and the two actors make eye contact, or maybe they like, shoot a spell at each other. And I was like, that precision is insane. Dude, precision.
 
Lelia Hilton  40:48
Yeah. I mean, I think it's, I find something extremely charming about these types of productions that are clearly done on the budget of like, a ham sandwich, you know?
 
all  40:57
Yeah.
 
Lelia Hilton  40:58
Because the thing is that it doesn't take anything away from it at all. If anything, it just adds more charm. I mean, when you see Wayne with his t-shirts, where he's literally taken like a piece of construction paper and like, drawn a badger's head and taped it to his shirt.
 
Christina Kann  41:19
Yeah, since we're back on this shirt subject again, the one that made me laugh is that Megan was wearing what was clearly a Nirvana shirt, but they taped over it and it just said "90s Grunge Band." I don't know why it made me laugh. I was like, "That's obviously Nirvana."
 
Lelia Hilton  41:41
Hers were really funny. I mean, all of the costumes, all of this sets, pretty much everything. There was nothing spectacular about any of it. It wasn't about the spectacle. It was about these actors that just worked their asses off and gave an amazing performance. The script was great. Clearly there has to have been more than one director. I mean, how...?
 
Christina Kann  42:05
To something like this together?
 
Lelia Hilton  42:07
Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. But you're right. I mean, like, who knows how long it took everybody to practice? Cuz you're right. The thing about theater is like, in Hollywood, it's so glossy. And the actors are pretty much all stars.
 
Christina Kann  42:22
And it's not like that doesn't take work. But it's totally different.
 
Lelia Hilton  42:27
Completely different. And it's a lot more high stakes when you can't just yell "cut" and do another take.
 
Christina Kann  42:34
Yes, yeah, you have to learn how to do right the first time.
 
Lelia Hilton  42:38
And every time.
 
Mats Furuli  42:40
The thought of doing theater terrifies me for that reason.
 
Christina Kann  42:44
It's terrifying. It's terrifying. I really am not the kind of person who is prone to nerves, but it's the Puff in me, the notion of fucking up other people is like, the worst thing I could possibly imagine. It's like a lot. If I fuck up in a way that fucks other people up. I'm done.
 
Mats Furuli  43:04
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  43:07
And that's why improv stresses me out a lot. When I did improv like a year or two ago now, I had such bad anxiety because it's such a team sport. You have to be giving to your scene partner, like so much. And it's like, if you fail them, then it's like, "I'm sorry. You failed because I failed first."
 
Lelia Hilton  43:30
Yeah, it's a it's a team effort, which is terrifying. But also like, what's more Puff? You know?
 
Christina Kann  43:35
Yeah, you're right. And Puffs aren't afraid of failure.
 
Lelia Hilton  43:39
Yeah. Well, everyone's a little afraid of failure, I think.You were talking about like, fucking up on stage. Let's see. I was in plays all throughout high school, but I went to a center for the arts high school where the actors -- where the kids; they were children; it was high school -- where the children were very serious about theater. Like, that's what they wanted to do. So, in order to get the lead in a play, you had to be like, good. You couldn't just be like the only girl who can sing there. Like, no, you had to be like a triple threat.
 
Christina Kann  44:18
My school was like that, too. Lelia is a little butthurt because Jason got a lot of leading roles at his other school.
 
Lelia Hilton  44:25
Danny in Greece. Are you serious right now?
 
Christina Kann  44:28
If you've met Jason -- I love the man and he's great at a lot of things. But I feel like if you've met him, you're like, "I don't see where Jason and Danny overlap." Like, where's the overlap?
 
Lelia Hilton  44:41
Not really what you'd think of as leading man material, but you know, just one man's opinion. I was in A Midsummer Night's Dream, the play, which was super fun. We did it -- I don't even know -- my sophomore year?
 
Christina Kann  44:56
That is such a fun play to put on.
 
Lelia Hilton  44:59
So fun and very funny, and the kids were so talented that they had the audience dying laughing at a Shakespeare play in high school. So it was wonderful. But you know, I was a nobody, so I was Peaseblossom.
 
Christina Kann  45:16
That's the most fun, though, is just be a fucking fairy running around.
 
Lelia Hilton  45:19
I was a little fairy. And there's much of the play which consists of my least favorite thing to do on stage, which is sit there and be quiet.
 
Christina Kann  45:29
Yeah, they do just be observing for so much of that play.
 
Lelia Hilton  45:33
It's hard, yo. I'm fidgety AF. And it's really hard for me to sit somewhere but still focus on what's going on. So as you can imagine, what happened was most nights when we were performing, I would just be sitting there, and I should have just been listening so that I could be ready for my, you know, like, two lines. And instead, what happened was an awful silence encompassed to the stage. And all of a sudden, I snapped back to reality and I was like, "I'm on stage" and I was like, "And I and and, and you to my Lord," or whatever my line was. Yeah, that's a terrifying feeling, to just be sitting there and then there's just silence.
 
Christina Kann  46:15
It's your silence.
 
Lelia Hilton  46:16
It's my silence.
 
Christina Kann  46:20
Okay, well, now that all of our listeners have a ton of anxiety in their stomachs, um, uh, who who is your favorite character in this? We already asked who did you relate the most to, but who is your favorite character?
 
Lelia Hilton  46:32
Uh, so hard. Mats, do you know? It's hard to pick. They're also great.
 
Christina Kann  46:36
Yeah, I do really like Wayne. Which is kind of weird because well, I don't really typically like the characters that I relate to, I don't think but-- Mats, love yourself.
 
Mats Furuli  46:51
It's hard, okay!
 
Lelia Hilton  46:54
Don't talk about our friend that way, Mats.
 
Christina Kann  46:56
Well, it's cool that the Puffs have given us a main character that is relatable. And it's like, wow, he's having a hard time with some really relatable shit. I can't relate to this prophecy bullshit, Harry, get over yourself.
 
Mats Furuli  47:10
Oh, yeah.
 
Lelia Hilton  47:12
What does he say at the beginning? During the sorting hat time, he's like, "What about if like, sir, for example, like, a kid didn't have maybe like a strong enough personality for any of that?"
 
Mats Furuli  47:25
Yeah, didn't have enough of a personality to be sorted into anything.
 
Christina Kann  47:31
Your only personality trait is that you look like you're about to throw a glass of white wine in someone's face.
 
Lelia Hilton  47:38
Yeah, at least it's not that.
 
Mats Furuli  47:41
I'd rather have a bland personality than talk as though I'm about to throw a glass of wine into someone's face.
 
Lelia Hilton  47:50
Yeah, but just to reiterate, I don't feel that you have a bland personality at all.
 
Mats Furuli  47:56
Oh, certainly not. See, that's the thing. That's the thing.The way that Hufflepuffs are depicted in Harry Potter is a caricature. And once you start putting real life people into Hufflepuff house, it has like a beautiful varied personality. All shades of yellow, you know? It's beautiful. 50 shades of yellow. No.
 
Lelia Hilton  48:17
50 shades of yellow. Oh, that sounds --
 
Christina Kann  48:20
I love it. I love it. That's like -- I'm not gonna say it.
 
Lelia Hilton  48:24
It's pee. It's piss. It sounds like piss. It sounds like sex and piss. Just say it, Christina.
 
Christina Kann  48:31
No, my brain went grosser.
 
Lelia Hilton  48:33
Oh.
 
Christina Kann  48:33
I don't have to say it on the podcast. Okay. No, no, I have to say it now. To me, it sounds like a diaper explosion.
 
all  48:40
*screams*
 
Lelia Hilton  48:44
Ew!!!
 
Christina Kann  48:45
Moving on. In this Zoom call, we have two shades of yellow because Mats is wearing a Restricted Section shirt, and I'm an idiot and I never think to dress up for anything, but I happen to be wearing a very deep mustard yellow button-up because I had a lot of meetings. So Mats, is that your final answer? Wayne?
 
Mats Furuli  49:05
Yeah, I think so.
 
Christina Kann  49:06
That's a strong choice. Lelia, what about you?
 
Lelia Hilton  49:08
I really enjoyed the actor who played Harry Potter and also Moaning Myrtle and Susie. And that was that was about it, right?
 
Christina Kann  49:22
You can only do so much.
 
Lelia Hilton  49:24
You say that, but some of them be playing like six fucking characters.
 
Mats Furuli  49:29
The same two people played all the teachers.
 
Christina Kann  49:31
Yeah, it did get confusing when like Leanne would walk offstage and then walk back onstage, and like, we're in love with her now. It's like, "Wait -- oh, she's different. She's a different person now. She's wearing different clothes. She's wearing a different hat. I get it."
 
Lelia Hilton  49:44
Suspension of disbelief is extremely important in a play like this, where every actor plays lots of parts. Except I don't think Wayne played anything else, except he might have been like hooded up as a Snake.
 
Christina Kann  49:58
I definitely saw him in a hood and I was like, that's our boy Wayne right there.
 
Lelia Hilton  50:03
That's my boy! Wayne, you're not a real Snake.
 
Christina Kann  50:07
So Lelia, pulled a Puff. I asked what your favorite character was, and you listed two actors and all six characters that they played, or whatever.
 
Lelia Hilton  50:16
Oh, I have to just pick one? Okay.
 
Christina Kann  50:17
Pick one character.
 
Lelia Hilton  50:19
Um, okay. Um, oh gosh, I hate that I'm doing this, but I really liked Harry.
 
Christina Kann  50:25
I did too.
 
Lelia Hilton  50:26
Yeah?
 
Mats Furuli  50:27
He was great.
 
Christina Kann  50:29
Harry is so much funnier in this than he ever is in Harry Potter.
 
Lelia Hilton  50:34
And so endearing.
 
Christina Kann  50:36
He's very endearing. He has, like I said, drunk toddler energy, just like confused and raring to go, you know?
 
Lelia Hilton  50:45
I feel like they could have gone another way with it and make Harry a little bit more like hottie.
 
Christina Kann  50:53
Himbo.
 
Lelia Hilton  50:53
Or Yeah, we're just make him like a little bit more -- because he is does literally like fuck up their entire lives. They could have kind of focused on that more and went a little more negative with him, but they didn't. They were just like, "I guess this is just our lives now." And then at the same time they still made Harry somebody who can kind of fit into the Puffs world.
 
Christina Kann  51:16
Yeah, it's almost like this Harry is the Hufflepuff perspective of book Harry. It's just a silly friend doing his best, you know, just like stumbling around getting into shenanigans. Like, you know what I mean? Cast a yellow light on the whole situation.
 
Lelia Hilton  51:33
Well, it's such a loving perspective.
 
Christina Kann  51:36
Yeah, loving.
 
Lelia Hilton  51:37
I mean, what's the Snakes' perspective of Harry? Just like this --
 
Christina Kann  51:43
James Potter?
 
Lelia Hilton  51:44
Yeah, this arrogant James Potter idiot douchebag who doesn't deserve anything and is like ruining everything. And it should have been me, me, me. And then versus the Puffs' perspective is just like, "Oh, you know, like, that's our friend Harry. And like, you know, he's always getting into trouble. And he's always kind of like doing kooky things, but it's okay. Like, we're here for him if he needs."
 
Mats Furuli  52:09
I definitely think that Wayne gets kind of annoyed with Harry.
 
Lelia Hilton  52:13
Oh, yeah.
 
Christina Kann  52:13
That's part of his arc.
 
Mats Furuli  52:15
Yep.
 
Christina Kann  52:17
Because in order to become a true Puff, you need your Puffness tested, and you need to overcome it and become a stronger Puff on the other side.
 
Mats Furuli  52:25
100%.
 
Christina Kann  52:26
So I also was going to list Harry as my favorite character. I feel like that's a role where the actor brought everything to that role. You know what I mean? I think that someone with a personality that was a little different would -- like if Leanne, the actor who played Leanne -- had played Harry -- could have done it. Would have looked weird. She's like a tall-ass redhead. But it would have been like a different energy. So I feel like you can really feel the energy of that Harry actor coming through. I'll go ahead and say that my favorite character was -- this is what happens when we get to plugs every week on this fucking podcast. I'm like, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. My favorite character -- um, I -- fuck, it's just Harry. No, no. Okay, wait. I really liked Cedric too. I don't feel like the films conveyed him as big Hufflepuff energy. He just has a "white British boy" personality like every other fucking person in that movie. Nothing about him says Hufflepuff except that he's like, "Hey, guys, maybe don't bully this younger student." You know what I mean? It's like, not quite enough. But this Cedric in Puffs was a leader and he was a sweetie and he was a tender boy and I loved him.
 
Lelia Hilton  53:46
Yeah, he was a wonderful leader.
 
Christina Kann  53:48
Yeah, he really was. He got people excited to lose. You know what I mean? Yeah, I admire him.
 
Mats Furuli  53:57
He's definitely one of my favorites as well.
 
Christina Kann  53:59
Yeah. I love every character that was  different from from the original text. McGonagall was the same, a lot of the teachers were like exactly the same. Sprout at one point basically comes off the backstage high, basically, like, "What do you need? Alright, well, is everything okay? All right. Bye." Or like, whatever she said. I don't even remember that exchange.
 
Lelia Hilton  54:23
That's another character that that mom character plays right? She's like, "50 points from Gryffindor for upsetting my plants." From Puff -- from Hufflepuff -- from Puff. Ugh!
 
Christina Kann  54:41
A little Hufflepuff-n-stuff. Um, okay, so I'm gonna ask one closing question, and then we'll wrap it up. So my final question is, what was your favorite joke in Puffs that was a nod to the original text, or the movie. I keep saying "text" but like, you know what I'm saying. Which was your favorite joke that was clearly making fun of Harry Potter?
 
Lelia Hilton  55:03
There's so many.
 
Mats Furuli  55:04
Yeah, there are a lot. I loved every time where there's an event from the books where a character does something, and then we see in Puffs that the action from that character was sparked by Wayne doing something. Like Wayne crashing into Ginny and convincing Ginyto throw the diary into the toilet.
 
Christina Kann  55:34
Yes!
 
Mats Furuli  55:34
And also when he convinces Cedric to ask Cho out to the Yule Ball.
 
Lelia Hilton  55:45
Oh yeah.
 
Mats Furuli  55:46
What's the what's the last one I'm thinking? in year five, when Dumbledore comes in, and he's like, "Hey, so have you seen Harry? I'm thinking about maybe explaining some things about his past and why I've been avoiding him." And Wayne's just like, "Yeah, I haven't seen him." "Okay, I guess we'll just wait until the end of the year."
 
Christina Kann  56:10
Wayne is just like shit-faced and is like, "No, I haven't fucking seen him." Um, I really liked the bit where -- this is such a classic comedy bit. Just the juxtaposition when Voldemort is doing his scary loud voice thing over all of Hogwarts and he's like, "Bring Harry to me." And then he keeps talking and he doesn't realize he's still on loudspeaker.
 
Mats Furuli  56:45
He's like "Did anyone bring any board games? Or snacks?"
 
Christina Kann  56:51
That actor's performance of Voldemort reminded me so much of Him from Powerpuff Girls. Do y'all know who I'm talking about?
 
Lelia Hilton  57:00
No, but Haley said something about that, too.
 
Christina Kann  57:03
Ooh! Haley, this one's for you, babe. Okay, well, I'll put a clip in the show notes. Go check out Him. I it's the voice. It's the voice, it's very like, *lofty voice* "Oh, wow, well well well." I feel like that also sounded like I was trying to do a McGonagall impression.
 
Lelia Hilton  57:23
It's kind of like when any of us try to do any accent as well. *terribly British accent* "Oh, oh, wicked good, biscuits, tea and biscuits.
 
Christina Kann  57:36
Oh my god. Lelia, what was your favorite crossover moment?
 
Lelia Hilton  57:41
I can't get this out of my head. I already talked about; I wish I didn't. But the stupid screaming cup. Goddammit. I mean, I'd like I think I might have peed from laughing so hard. It's that funny. It's just like a clever joke, a really simple joke, it's so simple that like, I wish I had thought of it.
 
Christina Kann  58:03
Yes! And there's a lot of jokes like that in this play, where it's just a split second. And if you miss it, it's fine. But like, you're gonna miss them if you're not paying attention. This was a no-devices viewing. Just me and the TV, eye contact for two straight hours.
 
Lelia Hilton  58:21
I agree. I thought about taking notes and then I was like, "Yeah, no, I need to be here. I gotta be here and present."
 
Christina Kann  58:27
Yeah, well, here I didn't even -- let me pull up my fucking notes, because I did write them, and I pulled them up for this. Here's my notes. Okay. "Year one :Harry Potter is super cute. Emo Puff Megan. Herbology is awesome. Is Ron a broom?" I don't know why I like -- obviously Ron was a mop. I don't know why my brain was like "broom broom broom." Okay, my next note is "Puff formation number four. We are not a threat. Please be our friend." Which, I love that so much. I feel like that's me walking into the bathroom at like a concert. You know, and I'm like, "I'm not a threat. Please be my friend."
 
Lelia Hilton  59:04
Yes. Haley actually said perhaps that should be what we chant when we have new guests on the pod.
 
Christina Kann  59:15
Okay, here's the fun note. This play took time for weird asides, which I feel like is very Puffy. Huffy Puffy. You know what I mean? Like they got off on tangents just to make us giggle. And that feels like a bunch of stoned Hufflepuffs in a room trying to tell a story, you know?
 
Lelia Hilton  59:31
Hundo p.
 
Christina Kann  59:32
Yeah. I'm almost done with my notes, don't worry.
 
Mats Furuli  59:36
I have so many notes.
 
Christina Kann  59:39
Well Mats, you'd seen this before. I should have watched it a couple times and then tried to eventually take notes, but the plot doesn't matter really, because you already are familiar with the plot. It's just the Hufflepuff version. So my next note is Cedric's quote about failing. "Failure is just another form of practice as long as you never stop trying." And I fucking love that big Puff energy.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:00:02
I think I think I did like get a little emotional when he said that.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:06
Yes.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:00:07
I love that.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:09
Absolutely. Okay, so I guess the end of my notes is, is when I was like, "Okay, I'm only gonna write down the really good stuff." Okay, I like how in Puffs of the bar is set so low, that progress is so achievable, which I feel like is really relatable. If we're just aiming for third place, you know what I mean? First place, that's kind of a lot, and we're setting ourselves up for disappointment. But like, third place? Now that -- that we could do. The tempering of expectations. And then my final note from this viewing is, "We all find that part of us: the Puff," and I don't even remember the context, but I wrote it down. And so I guess it moved me. We all find that part of us. The Puff.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:00:57
Yeah. And I think we do. I think everyone has a little bit of Puff in them. And if not, you're a psychopath.
 
Mats Furuli  1:01:03
So true.
 
Christina Kann  1:01:03
I was going to say sociopath. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that a lot of people, at least in my life, are becoming like more Puff as we grow older. Learning how to communicate, learning that your personal relationships are a priority, and you have to nurture them, like a plant so that they grow in the sun.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:01:27
So Sprouty of you.
 
Christina Kann  1:01:30
So is there anything that we haven't covered yet? Anything either one of you would like to touch on before we wrap this up?
 
Mats Furuli  1:01:35
I mean, I have over three pages of notes. So if I were to --
 
Christina Kann  1:01:39
Okay, lay it on me.
 
Mats Furuli  1:01:41
One of the very opening lines is just very fitting. "If you find yourself in need of using the loo make sure you make a big show of it." All about drama!
 
Lelia Hilton  1:01:53
Yes!
 
Mats Furuli  1:01:56
Also, yeah, freak chocolate frog accident? All caps and three question marks.
 
Christina Kann  1:02:02
Oh, yeah. Who was that? Wayne's his parents died in a freak chocolate frog accident. Oh, that's the Puffest shit. Wait, I didn't even mention that Wayne was raised by his uncle in New Mexico or Arizona. What was it?
 
Mats Furuli  1:02:18
The land of Cattle Poke Springs, New Mexico.
 
Christina Kann  1:02:23
New Mexico. And Wayne gets his letter, and he's like, "Uncle Dave, like, what is this?" and his uncle's like "Oh fuck. I definitely meant to tell you about that."
 
Mats Furuli  1:02:33
"Uncle Dave, there's a bird in the living room." And Uncle Dave's like "What kind of bird?" "Uh, an owl, I think." "Oh, fuck."
 
Christina Kann  1:02:48
I love Uncle Dave. He did his best.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:02:50
Yeah.
 
Mats Furuli  1:02:51
And the next one is Blundering Wimpersnatch. Is that a Benedict Cumberbatch joke?
 
Christina Kann  1:02:57
Oh, oh my god. That's funny. Definitely.
 
Mats Furuli  1:03:01
I love the fact that Mirror of Erisedis just called Rorrim Driew, which is just "weird mirror" spelled backwards.
 
Christina Kann  1:03:10
Okay, these are some details I've never noticed.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:03:12
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  1:03:14
We'll have to look for these next time, Lelia.
 
Mats Furuli  1:03:15
Some of the spell names are phenomenal, like Rickman-Sempra instead of "rictusempra." "Expelli-dermis," when Mr. Voldy just rips off the fucking band aid or whatever he's got over his nose. And "Olive Gardium leviosa."
 
Christina Kann  1:03:37
Yes, that one's stuck in my memory forever.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:03:40
What's the one where he kept generating doves?
 
Mats Furuli  1:03:43
Oh, uh, fuck. It's like "Aviforus" or something like that? Yeah,
 
Christina Kann  1:03:49
There was a couple magical moments in this that I could not explain scientifically. My eyes didn't move fast enough to figure out how this bird was getting around the stage. And there's one or two other things where I was like, "Damn, how did they do that?"
 
Mats Furuli  1:04:03
Oh my god. Same. Yeah, and the dueling club scene where Harry's like "No snake, please don't attack Justin," but unfortunately that's not what the rest of the school heard. It's like a fucking demon.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:23
He was like evidently speaking in tongues It is evil.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:04:31
He's like "No, snake! Don't hurt Justin!"
 
Mats Furuli  1:04:36
Also "real Mr. Moody costume." Yeah, it's Mad-Eye Moody. But he just tries to convince everyone that he's the real Mr. Moody. So I think his credited character name is "real Mr. Moody."
 
Lelia Hilton  1:04:54
Okay, real Professor Moody.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:57
I like that he literally just had a giant googly eye.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:05:05
But it worked like it. They pulled it off!
 
Christina Kann  1:05:08
It definitely worked. Yeah. And it made me laugh, a lot.
 
Mats Furuli  1:05:11
Same. Yeah. The next note is I really want a copy of Wayne's book on Fantastic Beasts. The fucking Balrog!
 
Christina Kann  1:05:22
The Balrog!
 
Mats Furuli  1:05:24
Mr. Snuffalufagus!
 
Christina Kann  1:05:30
Oh, yeah. Because Wayne in his introduction, what is it? He's like, "Hi, I'm Wayne. I've read The Silmarillion a hundred times!"
 
Mats Furuli  1:05:35
"I've read The Silmarillion twice!"
 
Christina Kann  1:05:38
Twice? Well that is as impressive as 100 times. The Silmarillion is no joke.
 
Mats Furuli  1:05:43
I have not read The Silmarillion yet.
 
Christina Kann  1:05:44
Yeah. Me neither. Because it's no joke.
 
Mats Furuli  1:05:48
And when Cedric turns the book around, it's Paddington, and a Dalek from Dr. Who.
 
Christina Kann  1:05:54
Yes. Paddington!
 
Lelia Hilton  1:06:01
So random.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:02
Also, yeah. Wonder what kinds of dragons are in the book. Blue Eyes White Dragon, probably from Yu-Gi-Oh. Yeah, Wayne's like a straight up like nerd, dude. I fucking love it.
 
Mats Furuli  1:06:16
So good. And also I love that the play brought this up. Why the fuck did Cedric think that transfiguring a rock into a dog was a good idea when fighting the dragon. It's like, there's no fucking way this is going to end well. And the dragon just fucking bites the head off the dog.
 
Christina Kann  1:06:39
I forget who was like "There is now a dead dog on the field. There is a dead dog."
 
Mats Furuli  1:06:44
The Ludo Bagman character, played by the guy who plays Zack Smith.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:06:51
And J-Finch!
 
Mats Furuli  1:06:51
Yeah, the fact that the play's told from the point of view of Cedric's friends made Cedric's death absolutely heartbreaking.
 
Christina Kann  1:07:06
Yeah. I thought about bringing that up. And then I was like, too dark. Because right before the the intermission, too. You know how in the movie, the music is still playing, but like, you know, something is super wrong? It's like trauma, trauma, trauma. The feeling of that music, you can see it in their faces when he  comes back. And then it just like fades off. And I'm sure when you're watching the show live, the lights just fade out, and it's like, intermission, have fun bitches. Absolutely. mortifying? Well, because they have no idea that anything is wrong. You know what I mean? Like, they don't have any of the context of the whole rest of the goddamn book.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:07:51
And I mean, they really just introduced Cedric to us in the fourth book, so we never really got time to know him in the books. Yeah, it was extremely sad for Harry when he died because they became friends. But we as the audience really got to know him, like from day one. So it's just like, I'm like, "No, he's gone." But it's okay. Because he comes back as Voldemort.
 
Mats Furuli  1:08:20
Also, I'd do anything for a Puff hug right now.
 
Christina Kann  1:08:25
Oh, yeah! Two of them would hug, and then the other would say "Coming in!" So cute.
 
Mats Furuli  1:08:35
Adorable. And yeah, which kind of Voldemort is the worst? The one that never shows affection or the overly affectionate one?
 
Christina Kann  1:08:43
Oh, yeah! Wait, that's a great -- Okay, wait, I'm changing my favorite joke from the movie to this. Because everyone makes fun of the infamous Voldemort-Draco hug, but in this he's lik -- to some random Death Eater -- he's like, "Let me show that I'm grateful with my physical affection" and starts giving him a hug and a neckrub.
 
Mats Furuli  1:09:05
*laughing so hard he's kindda choking* It goes on for so long.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:10
It's like kind of bit where it's like it's funny, and then it's not funny, and then it starts being funny.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:09:14
Cuz it goes on that long.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:17
It really was very intense physical affection.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:09:21
He kisses his hand at one point. Yeah, he like down and kneels and kisses his hand!
 
Mats Furuli  1:09:26
I thought about bringing that up when we were talking about Harry kissingWayne's shoulder.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:32
Oh, yeah.
 
Mats Furuli  1:09:36
AOL Instant Messenger.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:38
Oh, yeah!
 
Lelia Hilton  1:09:39
That was cute.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:41
Yeah. One summer Wayne gets sick of owls and is like, "We're doing AIM now."
 
Mats Furuli  1:09:45
Yeah, it's it's because of the ministry intercepting mail.
 
Christina Kann  1:09:53
Oh, yeah. Very smart.
 
Mats Furuli  1:09:55
Yeah.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:09:56
They don't know about that internet.
 
Mats Furuli  1:09:59
I do wonder how I'm making content though.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:10:02
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:03
Public library.
 
Mats Furuli  1:10:06
Next note is "Yippee kay-aye, mother-puffer."
 
Christina Kann  1:10:11
Loved it. Yes.
 
Mats Furuli  1:10:13
Yeah. I love the fact that the Death Eaters are called Death Buddies.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:10:21
I think I missed that!
 
Mats Furuli  1:10:24
 Also, yeah. Mr. Voldy and the Death Buddies would make a great band name.
 
Christina Kann  1:10:28
Yes. Well, I think that the Death Buddies, once again, sounds like a Hufflepuff who didn't hear it right. And it's just like, I don't know, it's just him and his Death Buddies. I don't know.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:10:41
They're all friends, I guess. Like, why else would they all be together?
 
Mats Furuli  1:10:47
It's definitely not a racist cult or anything.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:10:49
For sure.
 
Mats Furuli  1:10:53
Yeah, and the last note is, I can't believe that this play actually made me care about characters like Ernie McMillan and Justin Finch-Fletchley.
 
Christina Kann  1:11:01
Yeah. Yeah. Puffs are, like, endearing. You know, like the puffs are, it's like, you just so want them to be happy and safe more than the stupid Gryffindors! Because it's like, when you walk directly into the fire, it's like yeah, you're gonna fucking get burned, you fucking idiot. Like, Harry, why are you doing this? But with the Puffs, this is just their home and they're just trying to be happy. I really did weep at the end when they all come together because it has such a different energy than the Gryffindors. You know what I mean? Like Harry, Ron, and Hermione are not even with the Gryffindors during the final battle because they're too busy each being dramatic spotlight heroes, you know what I mean? It's like we're not even together. Puffs! Puffs. I freakin love em.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:11:58
Yeah. In that last scene, when the Death Eaters are just Avada Kadavra-ing everyone left and right -- it's a very reverent -- it's a very big shift in tone. Well, it really kind of happens for sure when Cedric dies. And then from there, I mean, we still get tons of hilarious bits and jokes and silly bits. But then the tone has shifted to a much more like reverent space. And it's almost like -- I'm so sorry to keep quoting Hamilton --
 
Mats Furuli  1:12:32
Never apologize for quoting Hamilton.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:12:36
Thank you. And Hamilton's not nearly as silly as this. I wish it were. But it's like at the end of Hamilton, when like, it's a very sad ending. But at the same time, it's really sweet and heartwarming. And it just goes to show like, you never know, like, everyone's just living life. This isn't really one person's story and everyone's just living in it. Everyone has their own journey and their own perspective on this whole arc that we're all in.
 
Christina Kann  1:13:11
Yeah, absolutely. It's a team effort. Yes. It's like a family. They say, you know, McGonagall or whatever, says, "Your house will be like your family while you're at Hogwarts." And I feel like, for the Puffs, it's way more true. You know what I mean?
 
Lelia Hilton  1:13:28
Yeah, they took those words extremely seriously.
 
Mats Furuli  1:13:31
And the Gryffindors did not.
 
Christina Kann  1:13:34
Yeah. The Gryffindors exist in each other's space, but they don't act like a family, not even the family members.
 
Mats Furuli  1:13:40
I guess Fred and George, kind of. I feel like by like being the loudest, they kind of brought everyone together to just laugh at them.
 
Christina Kann  1:13:52
That's my technique also! Oh my god. There was one Fred and George quote that I tweeted a couple weeks ago that was so relatable. It was like "Fred and George were dealing with the the added stress by being louder and more boisterous than ever," and I was like, they understand me.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:14:09
There you are there! There she is.
 
Christina Kann  1:14:11
I think if Fred and George had not been Weasleys they would be in Hufflepuff.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:14:16
I was just thinking the same thing. I guess they play Quidditch and help fight and stuff, but--
 
Christina Kann  1:14:24
Hufflepuffs play Quidditch too.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:14:26
Yeah! And they've helped fight too.
 
Christina Kann  1:14:28
Yeah, yeah.
 
Mats Furuli  1:14:31
And, speaking of Quidditch. Hufflepuff out of four games Gryffindor played Hufflepuff, Hufflepuff won three. So ha!
 
Lelia Hilton  1:14:42
Mats' got numbers! We got stats!
 
Christina Kann  1:14:46
Puffs Puffs Puffs! We started this episode by talking about how much we all hate sportsball.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:14:52
It's true. And here we are. Full Circle. A bunch of hypocrites.
 
Christina Kann  1:14:57
You know what? Hufflepuff is good at Quidditch because they're team players.
 
Mats Furuli  1:15:01
Hell yeah.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:15:03
I gotta say, yeah, as somebody who has input into who gets hired in my company that I work for, I would much more go for somebody who is a team player and maybe not a rock star employee. So like, yeah, a Hufflepuff. A Gryffindor is great. They're a rock star, and they're like going to the top, but maybe they're not really paying attention to how their coworkers are drowning.
 
Christina Kann  1:15:25
Interpersonal shit. Absolutely.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:15:27
Yeah. So be more of a Hufflepuff everyone.
 
Mats Furuli  1:15:30
I agree.
 
Christina Kann  1:15:31
I mean, I gotta agree. Yeah, like be more Huff. Be more Puff. I've always said "Huff" but I'm trying to train myself to say "Puff" because it has meaning to me now. Also Puff Puff Pass.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:15:44
Exactly. It's all connected. They didn't do any overt weed jokes. I was a little sad about that.
 
Christina Kann  1:15:52
I was pretty impressed. I don't think I would have been able to avoid the weed jokes.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:15:57
That would have been my first joke I like write down. Like, "I don't know. Puff, puff, pass? Put that in there, I guess."
 
Christina Kann  1:16:07
Are y'all ready to wrap up?
 
Lelia Hilton  1:16:08
Yeah, I think so.
 
Mats Furuli  1:16:09
Yep!
 
Christina Kann  1:16:10
Okay. All right. Lelia, do you want to tell people where they can find you online?
 
Lelia Hilton  1:16:14
Sure thing. If you want to find me online, I'm on Instagram and Twitter as @leelz4realz.
 
Christina Kann  1:16:29
That's linked in the show notes.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:16:30
Linked in the show notes. And you can find me most Sundays talking about movies with my friends in the Movie Night Crew.
 
Christina Kann  1:16:37
Hell yeah. And what's something you've been watching, reading, playing, observing, philosophizing recently that you think our listeners would enjoy?
 
Lelia Hilton  1:16:47
Sure. So this is a little off brand for our listenership. So I don't know who would be interested. But I really enjoy this comedy podcast called This Is Important. Tina, I was talking to you a little bit about it. It's created by the four guys who did Workaholics, so Blake Anderson, Adam Devine, and Kyle Newacheck and Anders Holm. And it's literally those four guys just shooting the shit. They did improv comedy with very esteemed improv groups for a long time and they've been working together and just have been friends forever. So it's just like a really funny, wholesome podcast where dudes just kind of joke on each other. And it has me like laughing so hard, I'm crying. It comes out every single Tuesday and they put one out every week for free on Spotify. So I highly recommend if you are at all a fan of workaholics, or if you're like "I'm not really into that type of humor," you might be surprised. Maybe give it a try.
 
Christina Kann  1:17:53
Yeah, give it a try. Puff energy. Mats, what about you? Do you want people to connect with you on the internet?
 
Mats Furuli  1:17:59
I mean, sure. Yeah. You can find me on Twitter and Instagram @mdotfur.
 
Christina Kann  1:18:10
I do love it. That's how you sign your emails too. And what's something that you would like to recommend to our listeners?
 
Mats Furuli  1:18:18
Well, I've not really been watching anything recently other than Puffs and Hamilton, but--
 
Christina Kann  1:18:25
You could do an old favorite too.
 
Mats Furuli  1:18:27
Sure. Yeah, I'm gonna plug Hamilton.
 
all  1:18:30
Yeah!!!
 
Mats Furuli  1:18:31
It is wonderful. I watched it this morning for the 34th time.
 
Christina Kann  1:18:38
Oh, my God. I'm impressed that you're still keeping track at this point.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:18:41
Yeah. Wow.
 
Mats Furuli  1:18:42
I think yesterday was my 10th. time watching Puffs. Yeah, I'm getting pretty high up in terms of numbers for that one as well.
 
Christina Kann  1:18:55
I need to catch up.
 
Mats Furuli  1:18:59
I feel like everyone at this point knows about Hamilton, and there's not really a whole lot to say about it. It's a phenomenal musical. Written and starring Lin Manuel Miranda, who wrote music for, for example, Moana, which is one of my absolute favorite movies. Probably my favorite Disney movie.
 
Christina Kann  1:19:27
We were fighting about this in the Discord recently.
 
Mats Furuli  1:19:29
Yeah. I love Frozen, I love Tangled, but Moana--
 
Christina Kann  1:19:35
That's the trifecta.
 
Mats Furuli  1:19:36
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  1:19:37
If you want to be part of our Discord conversations, you can join The Restricted Section Patreon! For as little as $1 a month you can hang out with the gang.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:19:46
We're really nice and fun.
 
Christina Kann  1:19:48
Yeah! Puffs! Yeah, I fully second the Hamilton plug. For sure. It's so good. The last time I watched it was with you, Lelia, and we were just weeping and looking at Grace to make sure she was enjoying it as much as we wanted her to.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:20:07
She was.
 
Christina Kann  1:20:08
Yeah, update: she was.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:20:10
Update: she was.
 
Christina Kann  1:20:10
So I've been your host Christina you can follow me on Instagram @christinathekann. You can follow me on Twitter @christina_kann. Tou can follow me on TikTok @sproutsprivatestash. And this week I would like to recommend-- Because you just mentioned Lin Manuel Miranda, I'm gonna recommend the His Dark Materials series, which I think is an Amazon Prime original. And Lin Manuel Miranda is in it. He plays a character that's called the Texan, which I find to be very endearing. So he's a little bit of like a gun slinging aeronaut with a basically like a pet rabbit. It's like very endearing, just him in a hot air balloon with his bunny being like, *southern accent* "What the heck is going on?" The whole plot of His Dark Materials is much more complex than that. It involves the space-time continuum and the meaning of death. So it's pretty heavy. And then the book series is great too. I recommend them. Lelia! Mats! Thank you guys so much for coming and Puffing it up with me.
 
Mats Furuli  1:21:17
Thank you so much for having me.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:21:19
Any time!
 
Christina Kann  1:21:19
Mats, I could not have dreamed of doing this without you. So thanks for being our guide to the world of Puffs. I think that me and Lelia are both feeling really seen right now.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:21:29
We are! And not only that -- I don't know about you, Tina, but I had never even heard about this before. And I had no idea that there was a platform where it was recorded where we could just watch it. So thank you so much, Mats.
 
Christina Kann  1:21:41
Oh yeah, I guess I should have said at the top of the episode -- I'll say it now in case anyone made it this fucking far and still is like "Maybe I should go watch it." It's available. I think it was available through Amazon to rent for like $3 or whatever.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:21:55
It's worth it.
 
Mats Furuli  1:21:56
It's also on Broadway HD if you have an account there. If not, it's also fairly cheap and also a hundred percent worth it.
 
Lelia Hilton  1:22:09
And if you only want to see Puffs, they have a free trial period that you can just start and just watch Puffs and stop. But you shouldn't, because Broadway is awesome.
 
Christina Kann  1:22:19
Yeah, true. True. Um, yeah, I'm just so glad that we got to go on this journey together. I feel stronger because we're together and I'm just happy to be here with you. Oh, love you guys!
 
all  1:22:38
Puffs! Puffs! Puffs!
 
Lelia Hilton  1:22:38
We are not a threat!

​SPEAKERS
Grace Ball, Brooke Matherly, Haley Simpkiss, Andrew, Mary Clay Watt, Christina Kann, Mike
 
Christina Kann  00:01
"Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of Number Four Privet Drive were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious because they just didn't hold with such nonsense."
 
Christina Kann  00:35
Today, Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived. I think most of us are probably really familiar with chapter one of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, which is called The Boy Who Lived, a phrase that we hear really consistently throughout this series. It starts with Vernon Dursley, of all people, as our introduction to the world of Harry Potter, a muggle -- the worst kind of muggle, if you ask me. He wakes up and he goes about his work day. He notices first a cat in the garden, reading a map -- but not reading a map, because obviously cats don't read maps. And then he goes to work, and he notices just some weird things throughout the day: owls and people dressed really strangely. He thinks he hears somebody on the street, one of these cloaked people, talking about his nephew, Harry, Harry Potter, the son of Petunia, his wife's sister, Lily. Vernon Dursley goes home; he broaches the subject of Harry with his wife, Petunia. She's not keen to engage in the conversation. So Vernon ends his day, uneasy, and he goes to bed. And then out in the garden, a man appears! You know who. He's wearing high heels, and halfmoon spectacles, and a great cloak, and he has a beard down to his knees and a twinkle in his blue eyes. And this man is Albus Dumbledore. And the cat is no longer a cat; the cat becomes Professor McGonagall. They talk about James and Lily Potter, who have died. They talk about Voldemort, who has been vanquished. But most importantly, they talk about Harry, the boy who lived when Voldemort tried to murder him. Dumbledore has decided to leave Harry in the custody of his aunt and uncle. Eventually Hagrid, the half giant, appears on a flying motorbike -- naturally, that is a very safe way to transport an infant -- and he has Harry in tow. And they -- they leave him there with the Dursleys.
 
Christina Kann  02:56
Hey everybody, how's it going?
 
all  02:58
Great!
 
Christina Kann  02:59
Wow, that didn't sound forced at all.
 
Brooke Matherly  03:01
Fair to average.
 
Christina Kann  03:03
I'm really excited that you guys are all here on my square table. We are drinking butterbeer, which is a combination of cream soda, Guinness, Smirnoff vanilla, and butterscotch Schnapps. So that is what we're drinking today. It's very good. The Guiness really helps to make it not as sweet as some other butterbeer recipes.
 
Christina Kann  03:24
So let's just do a quick roll call. Who's here today?
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:26
Haley!
 
Grace Ball  03:27
Grace!
 
Mary Clay Watt  03:28
Mary Clay!
 
Andrew  03:29
Andrew.
 
Brooke Matherly  03:30
Brooke.
 
Mike  03:31
Mike.
 
Christina Kann  03:31
Yay! Oh, me, Christina, your host. Yay! So today, we read The Boy Who Lived. It's just like coming home right after a long vacation.
 
Brooke Matherly  03:43
Can I start by saying that I realized -- this is a complete blast from my childhood -- the book edition that I'm using I got from the Scholastic Book Fair.
 
Christina Kann  03:53
Oh, fuck yeah.
 
Brooke Matherly  03:54
And it only cost me $5.99.
 
Haley Simpkiss  03:58
I have the same edition. I think this is the one that my mom bought me because it's got my name written in my mom's very neat handwriting and the cover is ripped off.
 
Christina Kann  04:06
The cover is, verified, completely gone. I'm reading the illustrated edition that just came out by Bloomsbury.
 
Andrew  04:15
When I moved out of my parents house, I think I left my books there, or they're in storage somewhere. So I went to 2nd and Charles to get and used one, but I can see through the sticker that they put on it that this was originally $6.50. So inflation had already hit.
 
Christina Kann  04:30
Which one are you reading over there?
 
Grace Ball  04:31
I am actually reading The Philosopher's Stone. I know we had mentioned that we're not gonna do that, but sorry!
 
Andrew  04:40
It's okay, you just have to read it in a British accent.
 
Mary Clay Watt  04:43
They're really beautiful covers. The new versions, we should add.
 
Christina Kann  04:49
It's funny because I'm reading the illustrated edition, which I didn't -- I mean, I thought it was American because it's called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, but the interior is either British version or a hybrid, I've not figured it out yet. It definitely uses the single quotes from Britain, and it also has a couple just like weird phrases that made me -- I was like, "This is definitely not in the original."
 
Mike  05:11
Something I really want to highlight is that -- well one, me and Brooke are sharing a book because I usually give away my books. But the thing I really love about the Harry Potter books is how the covers really like invite your imagination. And I think if we're going to discuss that first chapter, we've got to discuss the fact that your eyes immediately caught to this crazy cover, and I think it really sets a tone and paints a picture and creates this own narrative before you even crack the page, which I really love.
 
Christina Kann  05:39
Yeah, so this is an original American Scholastic cover, which I think a lot of us are really familiar with. Definitely my original series that I got was the hardcover Scholastics, and I think a lot of people are the same. Yeah, it's really heartwarming to look at my boy Harry. You start reading these really dismal first chapters and you're like, "It's cool. He gets on a broomstick at some point."
 
Mary Clay Watt  06:03
There's hope.
 
Christina Kann  06:04
There's hope.
 
Brooke Matherly  06:04
Real question I've never had answered though: Who is candlestick hand on the back?
 
Haley Simpkiss  06:09
I think that's also Harry. I think that's one of the multiple times he sneaks out at night.
 
Andrew  06:14
Which also implies that later on, he's holding a candle underneath a cloak, which does not sound like a good idea.
 
Christina Kann  06:20
He does that with great frequency.
 
Haley Simpkiss  06:22
He's 11. He's not smart.
 
Christina Kann  06:24
He definitely -- when he goes to The Restricted Section -- does that a lot with the invisibility cloak, and it is quite dangerous.
 
Haley Simpkiss  06:33
I think it was technically a lantern, and then eventually they figure out lumos but that takes a couple of years.
 
Christina Kann  06:38
I would like to argue that a lantern is still dangerous. Oil everywhere!
 
Haley Simpkiss  06:42
I'm just saying it's less dangerous than an open flame.
 
Christina Kann  06:44
You're right.
 
Grace Ball  06:44
Is invisibility cloak fireproof?
 
Christina Kann  06:47
All spoilers all the time. It is made from death's own cloak. So I think probably is flame retardant. Oh my god Hogwarts is burning down -- quick! Get the invisibility cloak!
 
Mike  06:58
So I think that's something to bring up here: which education and wizard education is really crappy because when you're a muggle, you get taught stop drop and roll and like don't play with fire. They're like, "No play with fire all the time and wear cloaks."
 
Haley Simpkiss  07:12
Yeah, they just leave the children to their devices  and whoever survives survives.
 
Christina Kann  07:17
They're like, "It's a stone castle, Hogwarts is going to be fine."
 
Brooke Matherly  07:21
To bring it into the chapter that we read: wizards are bad at everything is how we start this because they are literally running around in the streets in cloaks.
 
Christina Kann  07:32
They are so dumb.
 
Brooke Matherly  07:33
Just screaming at people what is essentially utter nonsense. And the only person bothered by this is of course Professor McGonagall, who is literally just like, "People aren't being careful at all," and Dumbledore is like, "Yeah, let's go to a ranger," effectively how he ends the chapter.
 
Christina Kann  07:55
Rereading this, I'm like, "Every damn one of these wizards is flippin Delagus Diggle, who sets off the fireworks in the later books."
 
Andrew  08:02
Can I share with you all one of my deeply held fan theories for a very long time ago?
 
Christina Kann  08:06
Please do; that's what we're here for.
 
Andrew  08:07
I think that not only is Dedalus Diggle the one that set off the shooting stars; I think he's the one that bumps into Uncle Venon. It doesn't say him by name, but it says that he has a violet cloak -- which he's always known to wear purple -- and the way that he has the high squeaky voice and he talks about like, "Even muggle like you!" I just always assumed in my head that Dedalus was like just chilling around London, bumping in muggles, and then went off and set off some giant shooting stars in the countryside.
 
Christina Kann  08:32
That is a great theory, and I wonder if JK Rowling wrote this random character in the first chapter and then like couldn't quite shake him, you know? Had to bring him back.
 
Haley Simpkiss  08:39
The thing with this chapter is that there's so many names that crop up that crop up later. I remember the first time I ever read the series on my own, seeing the mention Sirius Black lending the bike to Hagrid, I was like, "What the fuck?"
 
Mary Clay Watt  08:56
Reading this chapter, there were several points where I wanted to cry. And when Hagrid mentions, "I ran into Sirius and I got the bike," and knowing what we know happens in the future -- this is the night where everything went so wrong for him.
 
Christina Kann  09:16
This is the last thing he does before his life gets ruined.
 
Mary Clay Watt  09:18
I reached out and pet the page.
 
Andrew  09:23
That actually brings up another good point though, which is that Dumbledore either knows everything here or he knows nothing, because in his mind, the last person that he thought was the secret keeper -- because he's the one who performed the Fidelis charm -- at least that's what I remember -- we haven't gotten that far -- was Sirius. So the fact that James and Lily were found means that either Dumbledore had the knowledge that he had passed it on to Peter Pettigrew, or Dumbledore is just sitting there like, "Oh, you ran into Sirius. How'd that go? Good. Yeah, great, wonderful."
 
Haley Simpkiss  09:53
I think Lily might have been the one who performed the fidelius charm because she was supposed to be really adept with charms, and I don't think that Dumbledore knew about the switch. Even with the whole "Sirius wasn't given a trial" thing, that's a pretty big oversight, and Dumbledore does have a lot of pull with the government.
 
Christina Kann  10:11
Not to get too much into Book Three stuff, but I don't think Lily could have performed her own charm -- a charm about herself. I think that -- I'm just inventing rules right now -- but I think that may be a magical fallacy. Dante, buddy! My cat is on the table.
 
Haley Simpkiss  10:30
He's like halfway onto Andrew's book.
 
Andrew  10:33
He's nudging my arm like, "You're gonna pet me know."
 
Mary Clay Watt  10:35
Well, while Christina moves the cat -- jumping in to say that I think Dumbledore is the one who suggested to the Potters that they have a secret keeper situation. Which is weird here, because I think he knew -- either he just suggested, "Hey, you should get a secret keeper" and didn't know who it was -- or he knew it was Sirius. And I feel like he had to have known it was Sirius, because he was the one that suggested it, and I bet it was his magic that did it. But I think that's something that we might have to talk about throughout all of this. Did JK Rowling really know everything?
 
Mike  11:13
A lot of fans talk about that, where they think that she really didn't make the plot path like Book Three, Book Four. But I think that's actually kind of the beauty that runs through that first chapter, because we're exposed the characters, there's obviously a back plot that she's already created. But at the same time, those ties aren't there. So there's foreshadowing, but there's also a lack of foreshadowing about certain characters, which really lends the imagination and the ambiguity of it. You feel like you've stepped in the middle of something you have no clue about, which is a really great feeling to be exposed to because you learn with Harry.
 
Christina Kann  11:46
I don't know if you cover this while I was expelling my cat -- expelliarmusing my cat -- that's not the appropriate spell. While I was vanishing my cat.
 
Mary Clay Watt  11:56
You can use expelliarmus for anything.
 
Christina Kann  11:59
He has been disarmed. But definitely JK Rowling is on the record that she wrote the end first, but that doesn't mean she knew how she was going to get there. Much like the Game of Thrones writers! They're like, "I know we're gonna go, but I don't know how we're gonna get there."
 
Mary Clay Watt  12:13
That's the problem with that, though, is that you don't take into account what happens in the eight or nine years between when you have already decided the ending and the amount of character development that can happen.
 
Christina Kann  12:26
Yeah, and just like as a writer, I've definitely experienced when you think you're writing a certain character, and they just completely do their own thing. And you wonder if you're slightly possessed. That happens all the time; it never goes exactly the way you think it's going to.
 
Mike  12:42
I think somebody else to take into count is JK Rowling, she wrote this not famous, right? So she came up with that ending--
 
Christina Kann  12:49
She wrote it on a napkin.
 
Mike  12:50
Yeah, she came with that ending, not famous, but then as the books start blowing up around like four or five, then she started writing things, and now she's writing perspective of, "Oh my God, I have millions of adoring people. Oh, they probably--" You know? I think you also see that kind of change in how she treats characters and how she kind of does things versus in the beginning, because she's basically kind of like, "I'm just writing a kid's story, hopefully somebody enjoys it," which I think just adds to the charm of that first book, really.
 
Brooke Matherly  13:19
I haven't timeline question.
 
Christina Kann  13:21
Oof.
 
Brooke Matherly  13:22
I know. So almost immediately, Mr. Dursley is asking Mrs. Dursley, "Their son, he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?" But Dudley seems to be pretty far along in the development of a child in that he's got multiple words that he knows--
 
Christina Kann  13:40
"No" and "won't."
 
Brooke Matherly  13:41
Right, and also that he's able to go up and down the street with Mrs. Dursley asking for sweets, which is a thing that McGonagall references. But then in both the illustrations at the beginning of the chapter, and based on the words used, Harry's like a baby baby.
 
Mary Clay Watt  13:59
I think they're both between like 12 months old and 18 months old, and I think when they're talking about like walking up and down the street, I don't know if they actually said walking.
 
Haley Simpkiss  14:12
They don't say that he's walking up the street. It's said that he's kicking his mother up and down the street, which could mean that she's carrying him.
 
Christina Kann  14:19
But definitel, Aunt Petunia is not the one begging for sweets.
 
Mike  14:23
Actually, can we just give Dudley credit? I know everyone hates him, but maybe the kid's smart, alright?
 
Christina Kann  14:27
I'd also like to point out a couple things. One really good point was the developmental stuff. We're definitely not gonna get too much into baby development here, but they do progress at different rates. Although I would argue that Dudley might be one of those babies who has everything given to them and never has to learn how to speak because everything's provided. Also, I think the fact that Dudley is up and walking and talking a little bit, and the fact that in this chapter, we only see Harry swaddled -- he might have had a spell put on him. I know "he fell asleep just as we was flying over Bristol," but maybe it's because of magic!
 
Brooke Matherly  15:01
I don't think, however, that makes the abject child abandonment that occurs at the end of this chapter any better.
 
Christina Kann  15:08
No, you're completely right.
 
15:09
It is par for the course for wizards with the whole child endangerment thing. If you live, you live.
 
Andrew  15:14
Guys, it's important. A governor and a vice principal of a school that left this child. That is like the highest authority you could possibly find.
 
Christina Kann  15:21
I think that the more you learn about Dumbledore, the less surprising this is. He is running a school -- among many other clansdestine maneuvers that we're not really certain of, even by the end of the series. He's doing a lot; his schedule is full. I think that he probably is one of those privileged old white dudes who's just like, "It'll be fine. This is my word. This is what I've decided. It's gonna be fine. Minerva? It's gonna be fine."
 
Brooke Matherly  15:50
No. I'll take that for Dumbledore and I'll take that from McGonagall, but Hagrid literally just weeping and then being like, "Welp, nothing to do now. Off onto my borrowed motorcycle."
 
Christina Kann  16:00
But Dumbledore is his hero. Dumbledore is the whole reason that Hagrid has a life.
 
Andrew  16:06
So I've got a theory about Dumbledore. I think that JK Rowling, one of the things that I think she deeply wanted -- I can't speak for all of you, obviously, and I'd love to hear your input -- I love Dumbledore no matter how weird and dark and awful he gets. I still love him because of how I identify with him, and I think JK Rowling really meant for him to not be that way. I think she meant for him to be this grandfather type figure, and then for us to not like him by the end of it, and then Harry try and pull us back into liking him. The problem is, that never happens. Because all of us, I think, have so much connection to him as the anchor point, the hero, the ultimate wizened old man, that we're willing to look past the endangerment and the keeping out of the loop.
 
Christina Kann  16:50
I don't like Dumbledore.
 
Brooke Matherly  16:51
Neither do I.
 
Christina Kann  16:52
And I think that -- bear with me -- I think that the reason I don't like Dumbledore is because he could have been more like Gandalf. He could have had just a little more authority and a little more edges. Instead, he's kind of just like floating around talking in metaphors, always the kid gloves. "It's gonna be okay."
 
Mary Clay Watt  17:16
It's so funny, because I don't like Gandalf as much as I like Dumbledore because of that exact same reason. I think Dumbledore is so similar to Gandalf, but Dumbledore has a lot more warmth and whimsy about him than Gandalf ever did.
 
Christina Kann  17:37
Okay quick: on three, everyone say if you like Dumbledore or Gandalf more. 1-2-3.
 
all  17:42
*incoherent speaking over each other*
 
Christina Kann  17:45
That was aggressively Dumbledore. Am I alone? Did anyone else say Gandalf?
 
Haley Simpkiss  17:48
I like Gandalf better. I don't dislike Dumbledore. I think that it's kind of an apples to oranges thing, even though they're both like odinic figures. They're dealing with different shit on different scales. Gandalf is grumpier because he's dealing with more shit. He's dealing with the fate of the world. Dumbledore is dealing with the fate of a community of maybe 20,000 people.
 
Mike  18:09
I actually think it goes back to the root of what they are, you know? Gandalf is a divinity; he's chosen basically by God and created to watch over the world. Whereas Dumbledore, by his very nature, is a human being. And that's why we get the more whimsical, charming character.
 
Mary Clay Watt  18:27
I think it's interesting what you were saying about how JK Rowling wrote Dumbledore and how maybe she intended for us to interpret him and feel about him. I think she wrote him to be a grandfather figure that in the beginning we think is like, perfect, and he's always going to know the right answer. He's always going to know what to do. But then much like in real life, and how we grow up with Harry, and how you grow up in real life, you realize that the adults and the parental figures in your life that you look to for guidance are all human, and they all have mistakes that you that you learn about, and it makes them human.
 
Christina Kann  19:08
And he asks for forgiveness.
 
Brooke Matherly  19:10
I will also say that much like a grandfather, the parents have turned over this child effectively. And the grandfather is just running wild trying to get the kids to like him. It's a lot of like candy and adventures. And then at the very end, he's kind of like, "Hey, so there's also this thing, and your parents kind of told me about it, and I kind of forgot, but we do have to get to this point, and, um... you're a sacrifice."
 
Christina Kann  19:39
I forgot he was a sacrifice!
 
Andrew  19:41
It's important, though, because that is an important key to why I think Dumbledore does so well with the way he does things. Yes, Harry is a sacrifice, but that doesn't mean that you isolate him and don't let him have a life. Because remember: he knows he's a sacrifice, but one of his educated guesses was that the ultimate sacrifice would result in him not dying, and instead the piece of Voldemort soul dies.
 
Grace Ball  20:06
Fingers crossed.
 
Andrew  20:07
If that's the case, though, it's important, because you need a child who's raised in such a normalized way that they are decent enough that they are willing to make that sacrifice
 
Brooke Matherly  20:16
Generally incorrect because he did not find out about the horcruxes until much later.
 
Christina Kann  20:19
I also think that Dumbledore, much like Arthur Weasley, has this idealization of muggles. I think he's like, "Can a dog really be bad? They're so stupid, they're just trying to do the right thing. Like muggles. They're really trying out there. They don't even have magic. They invented this thing called ekeltricity to make their life go." That is part of why he kind of just disregards McGonagall's worries here.
 
Mike  20:46
Well, I think it's something to take into account is that as a plot device, the reason why Dumbledore kinda has to kind of turn, and not have the answers early in the books, is because the stakes have to get higher. Whereas in the first few books, it's Harry's little venture, but at the end of the day, you know the world's not gonna fall apart. Dumbledore is there; he's gonna, at the end of every book, do the sweet like, "Come here, Harry, let me tell you, and we're gonna go back through and I'm going to tell you everything."
 
Christina Kann  21:12
Oh my God, I had a Facebook memory pop up like two days ago that was like "that moment when you finish reading a Harry Potter book and there's 50 pages left for Dumbledore to explain himself."
 
Mike  21:22
And I think that's kind of the point is the stakes get higher, and then I think too if Dumbledore is an all knowing figure, and he's this truly powerful figure, like a Gandalf, then really, what is Voldemort? You know what I mean? So I think what we see later in the book says is that no, Voldemort is a more powerful magician than -- wizard -- than than Dumbledore.
 
Christina Kann  21:45
I love Voldemort as a magician.
 
Andrew  21:49
But also, how dare you?
 
Mike  21:53
I love the fact that Dumbledore's like, "Yo dude, there's a rager." He's like, "We may as well go and join the celebration." I would like the party with that guy.
 
Christina Kann  22:03
It is canon that Dumbledore loves parties. Remember that Christmas when almost everyone goes home in the Prisoner of Azkaban because they're all afraid of Sirius Black, and it's 13 people at the table, right? And Dumbledore's getting crazy, he's like wearing crazy hats.
 
Andrew  22:21
One thing that I do think is interesting is, like you said earlier, we do know that she wrote the end of the books first, and then, you know, came back and filled in from the beginning. And I think that one of the things that Dumbledore gives off in my mind in this chapter -- and this could be just because I know how everything goes -- but I've always read it as him being very pensive about the whole situation. "Yes, he's gone now, but--" I've always read it as Dumbledore knows that he's going to come back, maybe not necessarily because of horcruxes, not necessarily because of fill in the blank, but he knows that Voldemort is not truly gone.
 
Christina Kann  22:58
I think if anything he just thinks that maybe it was a little too easy.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:01
I think Dumbledore is very trope savvy.
 
Christina Kann  23:05
He's done his reading.
 
Haley Simpkiss  23:06
That explains a lot of the shit he does. He lets Harry be raised as a sacrifice and is involved in that, but he kind of knows, "Yeah, but the hero will have to have a second chance at the end!" But like if your evil super-powered villain with snake themes dies and there's no corpse, like... he ain't gone.
 
Mary Clay Watt  23:25
So McGonagall is kind of beating around the bush to find out whether or not the Potters have been killed or not and if Harry's lived, and she asks How is it possible that a baby has survived -- or a toddler or whatever, however old he is -- and Dumbledore says, "We can only guess. We may never know." I have two interpretations of that: one is he's trying to downplay the fact that we don't know everything because we need to be cautious here. They need to be cautious about the situation. But my main reading of that is, "You too do know, you know exactly what happened. And you're going to tell us at the end of this book 11 years later." But only partially, and then we're gonna have to wait another seven years.
 
Brooke Matherly  24:26
Can I throw brief shade at the fact that Mrs. Dursley comes strong out the gate saying that Harry has "a nasty, common name" when she named her child Dudley Dursley?
 
Mary Clay Watt  24:39
That's not a common name.
 
Mike  24:43
I'm gonna step in here. No, he's a he's a child, a very intelligent and smart child, so don't be putting shade on his name.
 
Grace Ball  24:52
To be fair, in my edition, Dudley says "shan't."
 
Christina Kann  24:57
Oh, yeah! Oh, that's exactly how I knew that -- illustrated editions say "shan't." And I was like, "Absolutely not. That is not what he says." I have this chapter memorized.
 
Mary Clay Watt  25:08
I didn't think anything of it because my brother had copies of every book in the British copy and the English copy. I say "English" like British isn't an English language. So I kind of flip-flopped between -- When I was reading the books or rereading them, sometimes I'd be like, "Oh, this time I'm going to read the British version," or whatever. So I just didn't think anything of it that he said, "Shan't," because like, yeah, they're British people. That makes sense.
 
Brooke Matherly  25:40
taking us back to child development, everyone's favorite topic. The "shh" sound is far more difficult for most people to pronounce and therefore the fact that if his second word -- it doesn't say second word; it just says "a new word" -- is actually shan't, it does say more to his overall intelligence than if his word is "won't."
 
Andrew  26:05
There's this old British comedy called Keeping Up Appearances. It's about this social climber woman named Hyacinth Bouquet, and I've always thought that the Dursleys were kind of like that. They're nowhere near as well off as you would expect, they like project this image that isn't true, and saying "shan't" instead of "won't" enough that Dudley picks up the word "shan't" over "won't" definitely fits in with that.
 
Brooke Matherly  26:31
My favorite piece of characterization in this entire chapter is the fact that Mr. Dursley sits with his back to the window because what a fucking psychopath. I have a big beautiful window in my office -- not to brag -- but it is the only reason I don't off myself by the end of the work day. It's because I get beautiful golden hour glow, and it is when I take 100% of my Snapchat pictures.
 
Christina Kann  26:55
Hey, I work in a darker corner and my light flickers.
 
Grace Ball  26:59
Your light is equivalent to the light of a thousand suns.
 
Christina Kann  27:04
We recently moved to Grace's desk into a window -- well, under a window.
 
Grace Ball  27:11
To be fair, I face a brick wall, so.
 
Christina Kann  27:13
It's a really narrow alleyway, and view sometimes trucks really play it fast and loose in that alleyway.
 
Mike  27:21
Talking about views -- I think it's really cool how this the whole book begins on this chapter, and how we start off with a muggle. I think it's cool, and also I think Mr. Dursley going through his day -- it's a day that most of us would go through. We all miss things, we don't notice things, and there's all these crazy things going on. Literally, after you read it, you kind of have to go about your day looking around being like "Okay, maybe I'm missing stuff."
 
Mary Clay Watt  27:42
I love how it starts out. It's this beautiful, magical tale, and it starts out with the worst possible non-magical people ever.
 
Christina Kann  27:52
I think that Vernon Dursley is really up there with like Umbridge in terms of god-awful characters, like locking children in closets and raising Dudley. Just the worst!
 
Brooke Matherly  28:08
I have another timeline question. So they're saying that "Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister but they hadn't met for several years. In fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't even have a sister," blah, blah, blah. Okay, so are they then chatting on the phone? Because if they haven't met for several years, how do they know about their less-than-one-year-old child?
 
Christina Kann  28:28
Um, I think maybe other family members?
 
Haley Simpkiss  28:31
I think Lily probably like has tried to reach out by sending letters. That seems like a Lily thing to do. Like she's sent Christmas cards and stuff probably, and Petunia just does not respond.
 
Christina Kann  28:42
Maybe even with like a photo.
 
Brooke Matherly  28:44
To be fair: How effing shocking would it be as someone who utterly detests magic to constantly get those like photo Christmas cards with people just moving?
 
Christina Kann  28:54
Definitely set them on fire.
 
Andrew  28:55
Referencing stuff from later on that we know: We do know later on that they were really close until Lily went off to school. I can't remember exactly how it's done, but when she learns about the dementors, Petunia perks up and asks, "Are you sure?" She obviously has more knowledge of the world. So there was a period of time, at least, where she had an interest. And so I can totally see a scenario where Lily would have been sending letters to Petunia, and Petunia would definitely be the type who likes to know everything going on. It says she looks over the fences, and--
 
Christina Kann  29:34
Definitely Petunia is like down until until her jealousy maxes out. And that's what leads her, I think, to wholly reject the magical world because it rejected her. And I feel like that's how she feels. So definitely they communicated, I think, at least for the first couple years of Lily's schooling.
 
Mike  29:52
I think that maybe maybe a counterpart to that is maybe it's actually not jealousy. Maybe at first it was jealousy, but especially as the Potters go down this wormhole, especially fighting against Voldemort, maybe she sees the danger of the magical world. A lot of people, if you're about to get punched or get in a car wreck, you close your eyes. Maybe in a lot of ways, they're just closing their eyes, and that's why they're so scared and violent to it is because they see the danger of the wizarding world.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:20
I always kind of wondered about something. So Harry goes to the Dursleys, right, because there's only living relatives. His grandparents on his dad's side are dead. And his grandparents Lily side are also dead.
 
Christina Kann  30:33
Murder everywhere.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:36
I have kind of a theory that like maybe Lily's parents really were murdered by Voldemort. Yhat wouldn't be outside the realm of possibility.
 
Christina Kann  30:43
That would give Petunia more reason to fear.
 
Haley Simpkiss  30:46
I kind of wish that had been explored.
 
Mike  30:48
Also more reason to be bitter to her sister and also to be bitter to this child. You know, we're all human, and you're like, "Because of you, because of all this," and you're showing it. Your abilities are unhinged and showing it even as a young child, I could kind of see how it could make you wrathful and very vengeful
 
Andrew  31:07
And I think that jealousy is definitely a piece of it, but I think that it's more of jealousy of the type where "you stole my best friend from me." At first it was jealousy that she wasn't there. But as time went on, I don't think it was jealousy of not having these powers; it was jealousy of the fact that "I had my best friend that was my sister and I lost that."
 
Christina Kann  31:26
And I think that's something that we can all kind of relate to in a way. When your friend gets into something that you aren't involved in, it's like, "Dude, we're supposed to be together."
 
Andrew  31:37
We're ride and die.
 
Mike  31:39
With that being said, I hated these characters growing up. With all this maturity as an adult, mind you -- speaking up as as a teenager and as a child reading this -- No, I hated them, and I still have no sympathy for them.
 
Brooke Matherly  31:52
Also in general, to throw some like respect on their name. The Dursleys are perfect for each other. A+ marriage, absolute meant for each other, written for each other type people.
 
Grace Ball  32:12
I think reading it, you know, as an adult, I have a new respect for Vernon because he is so terrified of Petunia. Just like, good for you, man.
 
Christina Kann  32:12
Definitely.
 
Christina Kann  32:30
I have questions that we have not explored, which is great, they're here for emergencies. And one of them is What do you remember about when you read this for the first time or as a child? One thing that I remember from reading it when I was a child is Vernon Dursley works for a firm that makes drills, right? And I remember being like "firm," pretty sure I had asked my dad, and he was like, "That's a company," and I was like, "Cool. Got it." And I'm pretty sure I was like, "Well, it can't be like drills. You make those in a factory. That doesn't make any sense. It must be something that I don't know. It must be a grown up thing, like running fire drills."
 
Andrew  33:03
That's what I thought! I thought it was like a drills, like an emergency situation planning company when I was young.
 
Brooke Matherly  33:10
In general, this whole intro to him as a character washed completely over my head as a child, because I was just like, "Alright, he's an adult. Adults do boring shit."
 
Mary Clay Watt  33:24
This is what all adults do.
 
Brooke Matherly  33:26
Par for the course.
 
Andrew  33:27
All adults that are in charge obviously yell at a few people every day. That's normal.
 
Haley Simpkiss  33:33
Something I picked up on on this read-through was that he has a secretary. Imagine being Vernon Dursley's secretary.
 
Brooke Matherly  33:43
In general, Vernon Dursley is like a pretty high ranking person in this company. And I think that the Harry Potter movies did a real disservice to them on the general size of their home. I feel like they have more money, because Petunia is also a stay at home mom.
 
Mike  33:59
Yeah, he works for a firm that has drills, but I agree with Andrew. It's a nonprofit that teaches people how to do fire drills. God knows there's these wizards running around with cloaks and candles.
 
Mike  34:12
All I'm saying is this is a good man who loves his wife loves his child.
 
Brooke Matherly  34:17
Even if I worked for a nonprofit, 100% guarantee not everyone in a nonprofit is here to save the world. There are also the budgeting department.
 
Christina Kann  34:26
I would like to say that Mary Clay and I are looking at the illustrated edition. I have previously pointed this out to Haley. On the very first page of this chapter, the illustration is a sample of the Dursleys' wall, including the bottom of a calendar from Grunnings, where it says "Boring is our business." Definitely for sure not fire drills. I wish I had this illustrated edition when I was a kid.
 
Brooke Matherly  34:50
That's a top-notch pun.
 
Christina Kann  34:51
I know! I literally was like, "Oh my God, look at this! I've discovered something wonderful."
 
Brooke Matherly  34:57
I am glad that you brought that up because I'm sure the illustrator that decided on putting that there was like, "I hope someone gets this."
 
Mary Clay Watt  35:04
Also at one point -- I think it's in Goblet of Fire -- someone pointed out to me that in the background in Ron's room on his bookshelf, you can see a stamp for -- I don't know what -- it has something to do with Lord of the Rings.
 
Christina Kann  35:20
It's Tolkien's monogram it has like a J R R T in it.
 
Mary Clay Watt  35:23
Okay, yeah. And so people were like, "Ron reads Lord of the Rings." I came up with several theories. First of all, it would make more sense that Hermione was the one who read Lord of the Rings. And second of all, I think the only way that Ron would read Lord of the Rings is if Tolkien was a wizard writer, because there's no way he would read muggle books. So that means JRR Tolkien is a wizard, and that's why his books make no sense, because he's writing it as a wizard and we're muggles.
 
Christina Kann  35:58
Or Gandalf was based on Aberforth -- edgy Dumbledore.
 
Mary Clay Watt  36:07
I'm really excited for us like seven years from now to get to that chapter.
 
Christina Kann  36:13
The fact that these are children's books and we are in no uncertain terms completely sure that Aberforth definitely was accused of fucking goats. I want to know what language was used.
 
Andrew  36:24
I think you said like "inappropriate," uhh.
 
Haley Simpkiss  36:26
Performing inappropriate charms on a goat.
 
Brooke Matherly  36:30
To be fair, when I read that as a child I definitely interpreted that more as like "inappropriate terms on a goat" like he tried to turn the back half into a frog or some shit.
 
Mary Clay Watt  36:40
Or he was like, "What if a goat had two butts?"
 
Christina Kann  36:45
Oh my god that's an episode of Bob's Burgers! Two-butted goat!
 
Andrew  36:49
As a young boy, I definitely read it is Aberforth was fucking a goat.
 
Christina Kann  36:53
I did too. It was book six or seven, and my mind was already in the gutter.
 
Mike  36:56
No no, even as a teenager I was like, "Nah nah nah, he's definitely just mutilating goats."
 
Brooke Matherly  37:02
I definitely thought it was more violence and less sexual.
 
Mary Clay Watt  37:07
My favorites Easter egg in the movies, in fifth one, when they go to the Hog's Head -- which later on we learned that Aberforth owns -- and you see there's a goat walking around, and that's one of my favorite Easter eggs that they've put in.
 
Christina Kann  37:22
Yeah, I love that attention to detail.
 
Mary Clay Watt  37:24
So speaking of attention to detail, I love this chapter. Sorry, I just wanted to talk about--
 
Christina Kann  37:29
No, that's a great segue.
 
Haley Simpkiss  37:31
One of my favorite Dumbledore moments is when McGonagall is trying to be serious and be like, "Hey, what happened? I've heard these rumors that Voldemort is gone now. What do you think happened?" And he goes, "It certainly seem so. We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for sherbert lemon?" And McGonagall goes, "What? Like, now is not the time, Albus!"
 
Haley Simpkiss  37:59
Another comment on this same conversation: The whole thing about "you-know-who" versus using the name. I cannot tell you how furious I was when I got to book seven and we found out, after no one telling us for six years, the name's literally cursed.
 
Christina Kann  38:17
I think that only happens in the seventh book.
 
Haley Simpkiss  38:19
That only happened in the seventh book, but that was probably happening at the time. That's why people didn't want to use his name, because someone would turn up and like fuck your shit. Dumbledore wants everyone to use the name because they can't possibly keep up if everyone's using the name. But like, also, y'all are alone right now. And you know that not everyone uses the name. Don't fucking do it.
 
Andrew  38:39
I don't think that it's taboo in the first war -- because that's what they refer to it this right? Is it's taboo. And if you say it, then they show up?
 
Christina Kann  38:47
Taboo with a capital T.
 
Andrew  38:48
I don't think it is in the first four, because at this point, I still don't think the Death Eaters would have necessarily had been together enough to know what's going on. They're going to have people in the field that are still deeply undercover or deeply on missions, whatever the case may be. And if there was someone whose job was sitting in an isolated area waiting for someone to say the name, then they would have shown up. I really think that's something they do later on because Dumbledore's Army and Harry in particular pushes so hard to not be afraid to say the name.
 
Christina Kann  39:23
I also think that just the language Dumbledore uses in this is like, "I've never seen any reason to fear it," and he's not like a fucking idiot. If there's a reason to fear it, he'll be like, "Okay, there's a reason to fear it."
 
Mike  39:35
Actually, that dialog shows that maybe Dumbledore is the stronger character than we think. Or the smarter character, because if Voldemort is dead, as a lot of people are assuming in that moment, by saying his name, you're testing the waters -- if it is cursed! If during the first war, it is cursed, you're testing the waters.
 
Christina Kann  39:54
That is a very high-risk experiement.
 
Mike  40:00
Remember: this is war. People are taking chances that risk their lives. Maybe Dumbledore is testing it out. And then on the flipside, the fact that McGonagall's a very strong witch in her own right. But obviously Dumbledore is like, "Look, I know you want to take on the burdens of the world, and I know you want to worry about everybody, but let me do that. I'm worrying about it," and maybe that's one of the reasons he feels guilty. "Maybe I could have stopped this all if I would have leaned towards the Dark Arts. Maybe I could have stopped this, so maybe I have guilt on my hands, and I'm trying to make you not think of these things, and so have a candy."
 
Andrew  40:36
And chill the fuck out.
 
Mike  40:40
And I think he's also embracing the future because now the world's wide so why think of the past and think of sad things when you should be thinking of the prosperity that is anew because He Who Must Not Be Named is gone?
 
Christina Kann  40:51
We call him Voldemort in this club.
 
Brooke Matherly  40:53
The other thing to do with the name that kind of honestly pissed me off as I went through: everyone does the "He Who Must Not Be Named." And like Voldemort, in and of itself, is a nonsense name.
 
Christina Kann  41:04
And people be like shuddering and gasping.
 
Brooke Matherly  41:13
There is no equivalent, I don't think, in our society.
 
Christina Kann  41:18
Hitler!
 
Brooke Matherly  41:19
Yeah, like I'm fine saying Hitler. To be fair, I don't think he's gonna pop up in my living room anytime soon. But it pissed me off as a kid that basically they're afraid to say someone's self-invented nickname. And is there a lamer thing than a self-invented nickname?
 
Christina Kann  41:39
Besides the whole drill debacle, what do you guys remember about reading this as a kid? For example, I vividly remember reading the description of Dumbledore for the first time. I'm pretty sure, with a couple exceptions, that this is the first fantasy book I ever really read. And the way she describes him is positively and chanting with the twinkling eye and half-moon spectacles, and I'm pretty sure he's wearing high heels. Yeah, high heeled boots. I was like, "This guy's badass."
 
Andrew  42:07
The two things that I definitely remember the most, for some reason -- I don't know why they went together -- The first was that apparently this lady can turn into a cat. I don't think they ever directly say that she turns into a cat. They referenced that she was the cat but they never referenced the transformation. And the second thing is for whatever reason, I latched on to the idea that Put-outer, not for the reason that it would be super important later on. But it always pissed me off when I watched the movies because you see the light travel to Put-outer, whereas in the book it very clearly says that he clicks it and the light just goes out."
 
Christina Kann  42:43
That's like a great question in general -- You know, there's a lot of fantasy out there with a lot of different magical systems and the extent to which they are subject to physics, you know, definitely exists on a gradient.
 
Christina Kann  42:59
No, I think the Put-outer's the thing I remember most as a kid. Rereading it now as an adult, I'm drawn to the details and the Dursleys and everything, but really, it's that Puter-Outer. It so vividly painted the street for me, because I imagined streetlights going out on a small street. But also I love the word, "Puter-outer," because it really introduces you to how wizards construct things. But now as an adult, I think, "Man, this book must have been crazy in German," because Germans use a lot of compound words. So like, if you're a German translator, you're like, "Thank God, there's an easy word that I can translate and easily put into a German word." It was a cool way to introduce you to these crazy weird wizarding concepts.
 
Brooke Matherly  43:42
It's also such a delightful place to essentially start us off with magic.
 
Christina Kann  43:48
Ease us into it.
 
Brooke Matherly  43:49
Yeah, because it's such a unimpressive bit of magic. And yet it's so clearly nothing else could have caused it. We haven't actually used the word "magic" at all.
 
Christina Kann  44:01
And we don't, I think, for a couple of chapters.
 
Brooke Matherly  44:03
No, and we're kind of still not sure. We know that the Potters are a thing. We know people wearing robes is weird. So all we know about this world -- this is the first time we see something that actually goes wrong. As a kid, the idea that owls are around in the daytime probably goes over most people's head. It went over my head.
 
Christina Kann  44:22
And also, that's another country. There could be so many owls there.
 
Andrew  44:27
I've been to the zoo. I saw owls in the daytime.
 
Brooke Matherly  44:29
I also want to say the only thing I remember about Dumbledore is the purple cloak because purple is my power color.
 
Haley Simpkiss  44:35
The whole thing hooked me, obviously, but the one image that always stayed with me,  that just stuck in my head, was after all of the lights on the street have gone out and the only light remaining are the little green pinpricks of McGonagall's eyes as the cat.
 
Grace Ball  44:52
I just love the fact that immediately I love Hagrid. He speaks differently than everyone else. And I remember noticing that.
 
Christina Kann  45:02
Was this the first time you ever read a dialect? Probably.
 
Grace Ball  45:04
Yeah, I think it was.
 
Christina Kann  45:05
I think me too. It's hard to get into, but she does it in such a way where it's really organic.
 
Grace Ball  45:09
Yeah.
 
Christina Kann  45:10
As editors that can be quite hard, we know. Yeah, definitely Hagrid stands out. Yeah, it's kind of like a lot at the end of the chapter there. Hagrid shows up, he's on the flying bike and he's talking about these other characters, and he's crying, and then there's a baby. It's a lot. But definitely, I think that Hagrid establishes his character in the first sentence and it stays completely consistent throughout the entire series, and I think that's why he's such a beloved character. You never doubt him for one second.
 
Brooke Matherly  45:36
I would like to ask what you guys think Hagrid's physique is like, because he is listed as being twice as tall as a normal man, five times as wide, which does not sound like great proportions, and yet the last thing we hear of him is his vast muscular arms. And I will just say -- you guys, we're gonna have to post a picture of Michael. Michael has an almost ideal male physique.
 
Haley Simpkiss  45:59
This is what peak performance looks like.
 
Christina Kann  46:05
Objectively.
 
Brooke Matherly  46:05
He has deeply muscular arms. If you need a visual at home, like Henry Cavill. But he is certainly not proportionally three times wider than he is tall. That is weird.
 
Christina Kann  46:22
It's like dwarf strength. You know what I mean? Wider than tall that's a dwarf thing.
 
Andrew  46:28
I pulled up a picture, and the closest thing that I've always been able to think of is Tyson Fury, who I know for I think everyone at this table is that maybe Michael means nothing. Tyson Fury to me is like the epitome of really tall with really big arms, he still has kind of a belly and like--
 
Brooke Matherly  46:46
I do not see those as being muscular arms, though. Those look deeply like just arms.
 
Christina Kann  46:53
A lot of really big dudes who are sometimes really fat have to be super fucking strong under there or else they would never be able to carry their own weight.
 
Haley Simpkiss  47:02
I feel like it's like a power lifter on a different scale of size.
 
Andrew  47:09
Power lifters don't work their arms.
 
Mike  47:16
The movie ruins the image to me, because I think the movie, of all characters, they did such a great job of painting the character of Hagrid in the movies, just what you imagine him to be also how you imagined the act and sound.
 
Andrew  47:30
The other thing I want to point out to is that at a later point, I believe it says that Hagrid's hands are as big trashcan lids.
 
Andrew  47:53
That is the most terrifying aspect. Twelve feet tall? Fine. Five times wider than normal human? Fine. But if you have hands that are like a foot in diameter, my god.
 
Mike  48:04
No no no, you guys are so wrong. She was talking about IKEA trash can lids, much smaller, European-sized trash can lids.
 
Christina Kann  48:12
Who has seen Disney's Brave? Um, Daddy?
 
Haley Simpkiss  48:17
King Fergus.
 
Christina Kann  48:18
I'm trying to find a good picture to show the class. I can't find a good full-body picture.
 
Brooke Matherly  48:27
Dad from Brave is probably Hagrid proportions except with more dolphin-shaped feet.
 
Christina Kann  48:33
And not a peg-leg?
 
Brooke Matherly  48:35
Anyone could do an edit for me of the dad from Brave but with Hagrid hair and dolphins for feet, please @ me, @passion_for_parks. Would love to see that.
 
Christina Kann  48:46
We will post any fan art on our Instagram.
 
Andrew  48:50
Similar to the dad from How to Train Your Dragon.
 
Christina Kann  48:55
I think that might have actually been the one that I was thinking of.
 
Brooke Matherly  49:00
So are we saying that really at his core--
 
Christina Kann  49:05
He's a viking.
 
Christina Kann  49:05
Hagrid is viking.
 
Christina Kann  49:07
He's a viking. And you know what? The fact that my brain went to Gimli at first with the proportions -- we have previously said in an unrelated conversation that Gimli fucks like a viking. I think this is all related.
 
Brooke Matherly  49:19
By the way, that was 100% me. I rank Gimli very high in the "people I would fuck from Lord of the Rings list."
 
Mary Clay Watt  49:27
WHAT?
 
Haley Simpkiss  49:27
He is a perfect gentleman!
 
Mary Clay Watt  49:29
You can cut this out. I need to know,  what is your list?
 
Mike  49:34
As her fiance, I can say she has made me crouch down and grow a beard. It's very weird.
 
Brooke Matherly  49:43
I have tried to convince Michael to dress as a viking for Halloween every year we've been dating.
 
Mary Clay Watt  49:48
Who is Gimli above?
 
Brooke Matherly  49:51
Gimli is for sure above Legolas. Yep, I know.
 
Christina Kann  49:57
I love an elfy boy.
 
Mary Clay Watt  49:58
I love an elf boy.
 
Brooke Matherly  50:00
Gimli is my one night stand number one because Gimli would be the perfect kind of guy: he's going to be kind to you; he will definitely be chill about it; but he will also pick you up and fuck you against the wall, no questions asked.
 
Mary Clay Watt  50:14
When has Gimli in his life ever been chill?
 
Brooke Matherly  50:16
No no, he's not chill. He's chill like amongst his friends when he needs to be, but he's got a raw passion in him combined with kind of a brute strength thing. Happy to come on your podcast and discuss who I would fuck from Lord of the Rings.
 
Christina Kann  50:29
Does anyone else have any fucking thoughts--?
 
Andrew  50:32
Any FUCKING thoughts?
 
Christina Kann  50:35
No, does anyone else have any GOT-DAMNED thoughts?
 
Mary Clay Watt  50:41
I think Dumbledore's a bottom for sure.
 
Christina Kann  50:49
Why, because he's frail?
 
Mary Clay Watt  50:58
Grindlewald is obviously a top.
 
Christina Kann  50:59
Okay we're getting into some really messy shit--
 
Andrew  51:02
That's what Grindlewald said!
 
Christina Kann  51:04
Regardless of how I feel about the Fantastic Beast movies, I think that is spot-on.
 
Mike  51:08
No, no no I'm gonna say I'm gonna say Dumbledore is straight and he's actually a creeper. Once again, going back to that "let's go to the party" thing--
 
Brooke Matherly  51:19
He's on the record gay though.
 
Brooke Matherly  51:25
All I'm saying is he's handing mysterious candy to McGonagall and then he's like, "Yo, let's go to this party." The book came out in 1997. And if you look at the music coming out in that time, Spice Girls dominating the airwaves. I mean, dominating. We're looking at like number-one British hit songs. I mean, Spice Girls pop up like four or five times. And also, this is very important, and I think this actually influences the plot. Just hear me out. Spiceworld came out in 1997. And if you're a gay wizard, you're definitely hitting that shit and you're like, "Yo, like, let's not do sadness. Let's party with the Spice Girls."
 
Brooke Matherly  52:04
Since we now know that Spice Girls was a number-one hit, I like to think that at these parties, Spice Up Your Life is the official song of celebrating Voldemort's death.
 
Andrew  52:18
I do think that this chapter, especially on a reread -- cuz I'll never be able to remember exactly how it made me feel the first time -- but it definitely feels like you're on a roller coaster and you can hear the clickety clickety click. He goes to work and he gets bumped into, and clickety click click. And then he's coming home and he's seeing owls, click click click. And then you see what's obviously McGonagall.
 
Christina Kann  52:43
Because of the way you're reading this book, the things that he's questioning, you know. "Did they say Harry?" and you're like "The name of this fucking book is Harry Potter. Yeah, they said Harry." Owls and shit, that's on the cover. Maybe not these other editions, but on mine, that is the prominent thing on the cover. You, for like five seconds, know more than the book.
 
Brooke Matherly  53:07
I really really liked that that it basically ends with a visual montage that covers over the next years. "Not knowing he was famous, not knowing who would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles." So that's your first image. "...nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin, Dudley." And then, "He couldn't know at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country were holding up their glasses and saying in hushed voices 'to Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived!'" Ending in an exclamation point, which I quite like. It's a strong literary choice. You get this visual moment when they find him, and you can almost hear a song playing in background. She opens the door, she sees the baby, and then it's like them sitting on the couch watching Dudley just like poke at this new addition. And then it's interspaced with a bunch of people in wizarding outfits cheersing and just being so so elated while you get the contrast of this family whose whole world has just been ruined.
 
Christina Kann  54:12
And it's funny because you don't get that montage in the movies. It's in the books only.
 
Mary Clay Watt  54:17
I also just wanted to point out another line that I think from our context, knowing what we know now and visiting back to one of the greatest franchises of all time, where McGonagall says, "He'll be famous, a legend. I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter Day in the future. There will be books written about Harry. Every child in our world will know his name." I love that line so much because obviously when she was writing it, she wouldn't have known that it was a fourth wall break. She never would have imagined that every child in the world would know the name Harry Potter.
 
Christina Kann  54:56
It has two meanings.
 
Mary Clay Watt  54:57
And now, because of everything that we know, it carries so much meaning for this whole series.
 
Christina Kann  55:06
I think something too -- especially that last paragraph and how it creates that duality -- something consider is, yes, the book's named Harry Potter, but we don't know if Harry as a hero or what he is. But in that final paragraph, we are exposed to a common theme that is the hero of literary circles. It's like almost like Batman, where he can take it, whereas the rest of us can enjoy and appreciate our lives, and here he is, before he even has a choice, or even has the ability to think or understand his part, he is automatically already taking the harder road, the harder thing, and I really really love that setting, because it sets us to know that Harry is a hero.
 
Andrew  55:47
Another fun little fan theory that I've always loved is the idea that JK Rowling is actually a rogue wizard who just took the most well-known and most common story in all of wizard-dom and was like, "I couldn't make it as a wizard. I'm gonna fucking write the Harry Potter series. I'm going to tell his life," and Rita Skeeter'd her way into fame and fortune. It's gotten to the point where it took off so quickly, and she sent it to all these publishers, and even though it was a great story, the reason that they didn't publish it is because there was at least one wizard working there, or someone connected to the wizard world, who was like, "Oh fuck, no, you're not doing this." And so she kept clandestinely sending it out, and finally she got into one tiny little publisher was like, "Okay, yeah, we can do this," and it turns out that they don't realize they're basically printing out an encyclopedia entry.
 
Mary Clay Watt  56:38
From her perspective as wizard JK Rowling, this is a biography. This is a very long, dense biography.
 
Andrew  56:46
We think it's fantasy, but in reality, all the wizards are like, "Fuck, they all know but they don't realize they know."
 
Brooke Matherly  56:51
She put in a lot of messy teen romance if this is a biography, and I'm creeped out.
 
Christina Kann  56:57
I think that is a great place to end this episode. Do you guys feel good about it?
 
Christina Kann  57:02
Personally, after reading this chapter, I'm incredibly stoked. When I started reading those first words I just really -- I said once and I'll say it again -- it's like coming home. Thank you guys for coming here today. Thanks to all our listeners for bearing with us. Yeah, I'm stoked. We can go around the circle, maybe, if anyone has anything to plug, anything cool you've been reading or watching lately that you want to share. Feel free to say "pass" if you want to pass, but you have to say it so that people can keep track of who's who.
 
all  57:03
Yes/yeah/etc.
 
Haley Simpkiss  57:34
Yeah pass.
 
Christina Kann  57:36
Starting out strong.
 
Haley Simpkiss  57:37
I have nothing going on!
 
Christina Kann  57:39
And I told you you couldn't say The Witcher, so here we are.
 
Grace Ball  57:43
I've been watching Outlander.
 
Christina Kann  57:45
Cool! That book's on my shelf which is why I haven't seen it.
 
Grace Ball  57:48
I want to read it, but too late.
 
Christina Kann  57:51
You're enjoying it?
 
Grace Ball  57:52
I am.
 
Christina Kann  57:53
It seems pretty badass.
 
Grace Ball  57:54
Thanks.
 
Christina Kann  57:54
So you recommend Outlander?
 
Grace Ball  57:55
Sure.
 
Mary Clay Watt  57:57
I'm going to plug my Lord of the Rings podcast like I'll probably do every single week. Look it up @tolkienaboutpod on Twitter and Instagram. I'm reading Lord of the Rings for the first time. If you have not watched any of the Good Place, watch all of it now and then prepare yourself. I say this coming off of -- it was like a week ago that the finale premiered, and I cried so many tears. I want to go on and on and on, but I won't, about how the Good Place, I think, is one of the most perfect television series created, because it's an example of what happens when the creators put the story first, before money. Instead of the producers saying, "Oh, this is so popular. Let's renew it again, and let's keep bringing it back," the producers and writers were like, "No, we have this story in mind, and we're going to write it and that's it."
 
Andrew  58:55
So I have two things that I just recently have gone back and read. One I finished and one I restarted. I just finished -- I'd never watched season three or four of Sherlock, and so I just watched those for the first time. Holy shit, the second to last episode of that series, the last five minutes of it is like -- I don't know if they meant it this way, but it's the most terrifying thing I've ever seen in my life. The other thing is I'm rewatching The West Wing, which is--
 
Christina Kann  58:55
I know that's one of your favorites.
 
Andrew  59:07
I first watched it with my parents when I was like 11 years old, and I've rewatched that at least once every two or three years, and I'm going back and rewatching it so that's what I've been doing.
 
Brooke Matherly  59:36
I have a small podcast to recommend for you which is Jules from N-Zed. Jules is a girl used to know very well while I was living in New Zealand. Her name is Julia Bergeser. She is doing an excellent podcast about New Zealand. It's a funny, tiny country if you know nothing about it. It is a delightful podcast. They're short, 30 minute episodes, and she just goes in depth about random things about New Zealand. And I think it's a beautiful introduction to the country. And I think it goes so far beyond most people's reference point, which is just Lord of the Rings or the fact that there are beautiful, sweeping landscapes, and takes you through things like the history and the mythology. It's a really gorgeous podcast, Jules from N-Zed, highly recommend that.
 
Mike  1:00:22
You can follow me or weird cars @weirdcarsrva on Instagram. Also big shout out to the fact that there was a Super Bowl once that didn't actually have the Patriots in it and didn't actually have Tom Brady. Also, if you're a huge fan of Harry Potter, there's a really good movie that came out in the '90s that I think really helps solidify and create that bond if you're reading right now. A lot of fantasy and a lot about empowerment, female empowerment. Check it out, you might find on Netflix or wherever: Spiceworld.
 
Christina Kann  1:00:52
You almost made me spit butterbeer all over my book!
 
Mike  1:00:54
Really just really great. I think it just sets the mood. So check it out sometime.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:00:58
Michael, did you just Google to see if it was available on Netflix before you recommended it?
 
Christina Kann  1:01:02
Yeah, yeah, I did.
 
Grace Ball  1:01:04
That's the only responsible thing to do.
 
Andrew  1:01:07
Michael, I love you.
 
Christina Kann  1:01:08
If you're local to Richmond, I've been taking improv classes at Coalition Theater recently. We have a lot of really cool shows, a couple every week, so if you are local, definitely check that out. Also, I just finished reading the Vicious series by Victoria Schwab; Grace recommended it to me. If you're looking for something that is incredibly more metal than Harry Potter -- just so much murder! It's so good, so I couldn't recommend it more. Thank you guys so much for being here. Now get the fuck out of my house.
 
Christina Kann  1:01:45
The Restricted Section was created and hosted by me, Christina Kann, based on the book series by JK Rowling. All music by Ryan Kann. Logo by Michael Hardison. Technical support from Sean Watson. Don't forget to follow us on Instagram @restrictedsectionpod or shoot us an email at restrictedsectionpod@gmail.com. We'd love to hear your thoughts, feelings, complaints, conspiracy theories, or lavish praise.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:02:14
I am deeply in love with the description of "Hagrid's feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins."
 
Christina Kann  1:02:25
Oh yeah.
 
Mary Clay Watt  1:02:26
I missed that!
 
Brooke Matherly  1:02:29
That simultaneously paint such a picture and paints no picture at all.
 
Andrew  1:02:35
It shows that those boots serve a porpoise.
 
all  1:02:37
BOOOOOO!
 
Christina Kann  1:02:40
Andrew, you have been voted off the island.
 
Mary Clay Watt  1:02:43
America has voted. You're voted out of Hogwarts.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:02:47
I'm imagining a dolphin. And there's obviously the size comparison. But furthermore, I'm wondering about the shape of these boots because dolphins kind of have a curved shape to them. That unless it's inverted -- but even if it's inverted that's a real--
 
Christina Kann  1:03:04
That's like a leprechaun shoe.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:03:05
Yeah, and it's got a fanned heel on it at that point.
 
Christina Kann  1:03:10
Show us your fan art of these dolphin shoes.
 
Andrew  1:03:13
Hagrid needs a lot of arch support, that's the problem.
 
Haley Simpkiss  1:03:16
I think we're all misreading this line. Clearly what it means is that his boots are made from the skins of baby dolphins.
 
Christina Kann  1:03:23
No, he would never! First of all, he has no idea what a dolphin is. That's a muggle animal.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:03:27
And that's why I think he would totally go for it. It's a muggle animal. It's kind of one of those things where they're like, I's baby dolphin boots," and he's like, "The gray looks cool. I don't know."
 
Andrew  1:03:37
I just want to point out we're assuming that it's a muggle animal.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:03:40
No, no.
 
Christina Kann  1:03:42
Dolphins are basic as fuck, okay? They are definitely muggles.
 
Brooke Matherly  1:03:45
They are the symbol of a '90s tramp stamp. There is no way that wizards are in on that. And also we do have the definitive texts of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and dolphins are not in there.
 
Christina Kann  1:03:55
Also shout out to my best friend and Harry Potter pal, Alexis, who knows that I deeply love dolphins. They've always been my favorite animal.
 
Mary Clay Watt  1:04:07
I thought you were about to reveal that you have a dolphin tramp stamp.
 
Andrew  1:04:10
Ask her what a favorite chapter is, snd we can try and do a different night of recording where she can come.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:15
She's invited to all of them. Alexis, you're invited to all of them.
 
Mike  1:04:19
Dolphins are not, though.
 
Christina Kann  1:04:21
No dolphins!
 
Christina Kann  1:04:23
Any dolphin that turns up will get turned into footwear.